Before I converted, people tried to dissuade me. “It’s expensive to keep kosher,” and “It’s hard being Jewish” were the top arguments I heard. “Why are you doing this?” was another question people asked frequently. I was committed to complete my conversion no matter what people said. For me, there was just no other option to live a life of meaning and closeness to God.
A year and a half after I converted and became an Orthodox Jew, I still feel the same conviction towards being Jewish. But, as some people warned, this road has not been easy.
What has been the hardest part about being a convert?
Well, it’s not keeping kosher. I have the luxury and privilege of living in New York City where kosher groceries, products, and restaurants are abundant. Modesty? Not a problem. I joyfully took on that mitzvah. Shabbat? It’s my ultimate spiritual cornerstone to Jewish life.
Don’t get me wrong; some mitzvot are challenging and there is always room to learn and grow. I am no tzadiket; I’m not perfect. I took on the whole Torah to the best of my ability and by no means do I have any regrets.
For me, the hardest part of being a convert is the loneliness.
Some converts, myself included, can lose their entire family because of this enormous change. It’s not that you can’t join family gatherings anymore where treif food is served or where other discomforts or compromising situations can arise. Sometimes a convert’s family of origin, like my own, can take their child’s conversion offensively. Some gentile parents may cut their Jewish convert children off, leaving the convert to fend for themselves, hoping they’ll decide to renounce Judaism and return to their families. For me, renouncing Judaism to get my family back never was, nor ever will be an option. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. It would be dishonest of me.
For me, the hardest part of being a convert is the loneliness. This challenge echoes itself most loudly in shidduchim, dating for marriage. No one ever warned me of the potential loneliness I would face or how hard it can be to get married as a convert.
Shidduchim remind me that I am different from other Jews. Someone may have an interest in dating me until they I find out I am a convert. Sometimes it’s the family that opposes the match, no matter how compatible their children may be; they do not want their child to marry a convert under any circumstances. These families may see the convert as being flawed. They may consider the convert’s background “impure,” thus mistakenly rendering the convert “not- 100% Jewish.” Some people are against marrying a convert because of the custom of their communities is to not allow it, for they assume that all converts convert for insincere reasons. This is unfortunate because it puts an unfair bias against true converts. Have we forgotten the important figures of our history who were converts themselves or born from converts? Did their converted parent’s background stop them from reaching spiritual heights?
I have been shunned and forgotten by some shadchanim, matchmakers. A shadchan may match a convert with another convert, despite having nothing in common other than being a convert or share the same race. For converts of color, this is especially true. As a woman who was never married with no children, when I am lucky, I’ll be suggested someone who is divorced with children because we’re both in the category of “difficult cases.”
How many times does the Torah need to remind the Jewish people to love the convert? I now understand why the Hebrew word for a convert is “ger”, which means “stranger.” You may God forbid remain unmarried and your Shabbat invites may dwindle after you leave the safety net of seminary or yeshiva. You can observe Judaism and feel close to God, yet close to no one.
Please don’t treat a convert like a second-class citizen. We are 100% Jewish like you are.
I write this article not to kvetch, but to give this issue attention. People often do not realize there is a problem in their communities unless they or their loved ones experience the problem themselves. Many people do not talk about their struggles openly or wish to put themselves in the public eye.
Here is my request to the Jewish community: Please make the extra effort to love a convert, to help them feel welcome in your communities and shuls. If they have gone through an Orthodox conversion, their rabbis have already asked them plenty of questions. Don’t feel it is your duty to have them repeatedly undergo the process of conversion. Please don’t treat a convert like a second-class citizen. We are 100% Jewish like you are.
Please do not ask a convert (especially on the first date or at the Shabbos table in front of strangers) why they converted. For me, sharing my story requires some rapport with the person asking for me to feel comfortable. Each convert has their own personal, legitimate reasons for converting that are frequently very private. Don’t be nosy. There is a good reason why Jewish law prohibits reminding a convert that they converted. Please respect their boundaries and look for the good in them. And for shadchanim, try to address a convert just like you would if they were Jewish by birth.
I hope my article generates conversation and helps Jews to fulfill the mitzvah to genuinely love the convert and their fellow Jew.
(137) Anonymous, January 15, 2021 3:07 AM
The shidduch scene is hard for everyone
Unfortunately, converts are not the only ones who are navigating the tough shidduch terrain, especially women. The overweight, over 30, siblings/children of the terminally ill, individuals who misbehaved as a youngster but did teshuva and Baalei teshuva in general are all in the same slow moving boat. It is just another test of bitachon. I found the bitachon series by Yonasan Roodyn on Torah anytime very helpful. Please remember Hashem makes shidduchim, not shadchanim. Based on what I’ve seen, most people, even many “hard cases” eventually find their mates. When the time is right, Hashem will send your shidduch to you. In the meantime, spend your time beseeching Hashem for guidance and strength and reading about great people who overcame the hardest obstacles in life. As for the indiscretion at shabbos tables, why in the world does anyone have to know you converted? You are just another Jewish woman, could be Baalas teshuva
(136) Nechama, December 31, 2020 5:07 AM
Amen
I'm sad to say that as a convert I too have experienced acute loneliness...and I'm married. Not until my husband and I visited Israel did I experience living as a "real Jew." For thirteen days, not one Israeli drew attention to the obvious fact of my being a convert. On day fourteen, someone said I didn't "look Jewish." At home in Canada, I can't go a hour without a reminder of some sort, or an attitude, or whatever.
(135) Anonymous, September 18, 2020 9:40 AM
Convert
Shalom JP, please reach out to me as I am also a potential convert to Judaism. I also live in Cape Town.
(134) Yosef Yehudah, July 3, 2020 3:29 PM
Right to the point
Excellent Right to the essence of the problem Yosef
(133) Anonymous, June 25, 2020 1:00 AM
After 40 years of being a convert, I found my Sephardi ancestors on my mother's side. What I found out is that Askanazim are 50% European; and they are more closely related to Italians then to Sephardim. They are all hypocrites, who think that they are racially pure, when they are Bene Gerim themselves. It turns out that my DNA that is Jewish, is pure Judean second Temple. How about that. I am also Mizrachi. However, many Rabbis want to continue to call me a Ger.
(132) Anonymous, October 25, 2019 12:06 PM
I am a doctor and I am most likely at the end of my conversion and what you have written resonates with me on so many fronts. Thank you for your article. I have been totally baffled by the hypocrisy which is evident in the communal system when it comes to converts. I wish you the best of luck in everything you do.
(131) Anita, August 28, 2019 12:50 PM
Single
I am converting to Judaism just by myself. First I wanted to convert with my partner but he became alcoholic and he started to treat me badly... We were together 12 years and it was very hard to just left everything behind me. I am 29 years old, I live in Manchester and I learn how to be a single person once again...
(130) Eliezer, July 26, 2019 4:31 PM
Disappointed
My difficulty as a convert has a lot less to do with born Jews and more to do with being matched with converts who reject me for not being a corporate lawyer or something. I've spent all my time and effort just trying to become Jewish, do we have time to go to Harvard while struggling to study Torah and making ourselves worthy of a Jewish wife? Do these women not realize that a lot of us gave up EVERYTHING, including great careers and big paychecks? So they might feel rejected and write blogs about it. I find that most blogs include an elaborate and desperate plea for men who aren't janitors. I'm a 'janitor' who used to be a commercial pilot, I gave it all up KNOWING that I'm not only the bottom of the marriage barrel for being a convert but the lowest level. I only get matched with converts who are too good for me.
Andre Pettersson, August 2, 2019 7:18 PM
An EU convert
It's not about your job but whether or not true love exists. Your job title does not automatically guarantee how well or otherwise you get on with other people.
(129) Peggy J. knox, July 22, 2019 2:50 PM
It will Be 30 years 17 Elul
I am also a convert who was raised Christian, raised my son in the church and as hard as I tried to be, I knew I wasn't Christian. I am also descended from John Knox, the Scottish reformationist. One night I went to a concert because it was free. I was the first there and handed literature about converting Jews to Christianity. I asked, "What right do you have to do this?!" My tone was so strong, he asked if I was Jewish. I said no. After the concert, he asked me if we could talk. I agreed. He asked me a question, I answered, then asked him one. After ten minutes of this back and forth, he said, "Lady, you may have been raised in the church, but you're a Jew. You act, talk, think and question like a Jew. Go to the synagogue!" I did that Friday. The minute I sat down, I felt like I had just come home. I studied for two and a half years before going to the mikveh, asking questions of everybody in my shul. Although people didn't understand why I wasn't going to the mikveh, I knew G-d would let me know when it was time, I also lived like I was already Jewish, as suggested by an article in a Reconstructionist periodical I read so I would know and experience anti-Semitism, which I did, including a man threatening me with bodily harm and walking through a Klu Klux clan rally instead of changing my route. G-d told me it was time in a dream, and onI the 17 Elul, 30 years ago after long study and questions, I became Batsheva bat Abraham v't Sarah. It was one of the happiest days of my life, I have not regretted it for even one second. However, most of the time I'm referred to as a convert, told I'm not really a Jew, though G-d knows and I know I am a Jew with every fiber of my being. I was disowned by my immediate family except for my sister who is a born-again Christian. Three months later death threats were spray-painted on our shul. I was asked why I went to Shabbos services that week, I told them I'm a Jew and I'll die for Judaism.
(128) Suzanne Dunklin, July 22, 2019 12:24 AM
Thank you
Thank you. I might have been able to stay in Israel is someone had just once invited me over for Shabbot, but I was considered a questionable Jew.
(127) Sarah Dvir-Rosenberg, June 30, 2019 4:56 AM
Thanks for speaking out
As a long time member of the Chosen People, I have found that after a while the status of being a convert is non-existent. Your actions, words and lifestyle will blend in with the rest of the community. Once the convert reaches this level, the status of "being a convert" does not have to be mentioned by the shadchin to the potential husband. After a few dates, the subject can be mentioned by the woman to the man who will be very pleasantly surprised. Usually the shidduch will end well!
(126) Anonymous, June 3, 2019 9:26 AM
Is the future a lonely one!
I am in the process of converting to Orthodox Judaism and wondering what the future is going to be. In the Shul they are friendly but as soon as the service ends it means going through the door and walking in to loneliness again. In 7 months I have had 4 or 5 invitations to a Shabbos meal. Two of which have been last minute someone can't make it so its me just making up the numbers as a last resort. Two others as a result of a friend who has asked someone to take pity and include me at the last minute. Not really a good sign for what the future holds but it definitely puts me in the place where they think I should be! I am determined to be the person Ha Shem wants me to be but it gets harder and then your resistance sinks lower and lower. I have moved far away from my remaining family ( I lost my wife two years ago ) and have no connections here. From my searching on the internet it seems that converted Jews have a very hard or impossible task to finding a partner. As I said at the start of this reply is the future a lonely one?
Anita, August 28, 2019 1:01 PM
The same story
I am sorry to hear that... I am in the process of converting to Orthodox Judaism either. I was with my partner 12 years and we both wanted to convert but unfortunately he became alcoholic without any willingness to change... When I go to the Shul is exactly the same, I always go back to home without company, completely lonely...
Dassie, January 27, 2020 4:29 PM
The future doesn't have to be a lonely one. Challenges exist, but so do good experiences.
Anonymous, this is late and you've probably completed the process already, but just to reassure that everyone has a different story.
Just like some people have a grueling journey on the way to conversion, and some people have a very easy journey, and other journeys fall in between the 2 extremes, so too with the experience of converts after conversions.
Unfortunately, the negative stories get most of the press.
People who are happy & content with their lives tend to be busy with that, and don't upload blog posts or articles about it. Happiness doesn't need an outlet like unhappiness does.
Most of the converts I know are married to Jews-from-birth, baalei teshuvah mostly, although a couple are married to frum-from-birth, so I'm always surprised to hear about converts who are only offered other converts in shidduchim.
Most of the converts I know did not take a long time to get married.
Most are not grilled during Shabbos meals or made to feel less. Many are also met with admiration, both from baalei teshuvah & FFBs.
There are unpleasant experiences, no doubt about it, but not everyone goes through them. It depends what Hashem decides is the most "polishing" challenge for one's soul.
Many converts who complain are not actually kosher converts, but they feel they are, so that is how they present themselves.
I think the above reasons explain the high ratio of negativity from converts on the Internet.
Those who are hurting need validation and empathy, however, it's not completely accurate for them to portray their negative experience as the standard.
Anyway, wishing you the very best in your journey. I certainly hope your experiences will be positive and that your future will NOT be a lonely one, but full of warmth & companionship.
(125) Tikvah, June 2, 2019 3:28 AM
We need to ban together
I hear you, dear sister. It is the loneliest I have ever been.
In my former shul my rabbi would not give up trying to matchmake me with another convert who was not at all my type and due to that and other reasons I left and went to the other shul in town to do my conversion. My journey was as heart felt as anyones. It is often a bittersweet time as I sit alone at my Sabbath table and sometimes I cry because I LONG to be with other Jews, or to be back in Israel where I lived for 2 years before converting. I know there are some converts who manage to find an accepting Jew by birth, but it seems rare. I cry out to Hashem often for a partner, a friend, my beshert. Maybe we all need to find a way to connect. I am thinking of starting a FB page. Is anyone interested? I pray for all of you out there who are in the same boat. We are scattered but we have a shepherd who will , bezrat Hashem, bring us together one day. Sending you all much love.
Anonymous, August 28, 2019 1:03 PM
I am sorry to hear that... I am in the process of converting to Orthodox Judaism. I was with my partner 12 years and we both wanted to convert but unfortunately he became alcoholic without any willingness to change... When I go to the Shul is ok, but when I back to home, I always go without company, completely lonely...
Anonymous, August 28, 2019 1:42 PM
I forgot to ask about that Facebook page? Have you done it?
(124) Anonymous, April 28, 2019 12:01 PM
Learning and lonely
I am doing my Orthodox conversion in the UK. I am living in an Orthodox community and attend Shul for 3 services daily. I have a teacher who is very good. My problem is in the 6 months I have been living here I have only had 5 invites to a Shabbos meal. Two of which a friend had asked on my behalf and two invites where they said that someone had pulled out at the last minute and would I like to make the number up. Other than these occasions it's a case of open a tin of tuna and tolerate the loneliness until it's time for Shul again. I am determined to finish my conversion but I can see that the Jewish communities don't mind people being ignored or just left to make do on their own.
Anonymous, August 28, 2019 1:07 PM
Lonely
I am sorry to hear that... I am in the process of converting to Orthodox Judaism either. I live in Manchester. I was with my partner 12 years and we both wanted to convert but unfortunately he became alcoholic without any willingness to change... When I go to the Shul I just can't wait but when the service is finished, I always go back to home without company, completely lonely...
(123) Leib Gershon Mitchell, April 22, 2019 9:53 PM
Are you trying to meet match with Black Hat people or Modern Orthodox?
(122) William, April 18, 2019 2:24 AM
Thank you
Thank you
(121) Miriam, January 1, 2019 8:32 PM
Welcome home, sister! I wanted to thank you for writing this article. I agree with every word. May you find your zivug agun soon.
Blessings,
Miriam
(120) Anonymous, November 26, 2018 2:59 PM
I married a giyores
I am married to a giyores and when I was offered the shidduch the shadchan said “are you sure? She’s a giyores!” I said to the shadchan “how can you prove you are Jewish?” She responded “well cause I am and my mother was Jewish.” “Prove it,” I said, “because a ger has testimonial documents from a beis din that prove it to everyone in every generation. You don’t have proof, just family speculation.”
(119) Margarita, November 19, 2018 7:50 PM
Not sure about the article
this article might be a mistake. most likely it was written in good faith, however this kind of attitude is damaging. conversion is not a key to easy life, but rather choosing a path of faith (which is generally discouraged for a reason). It's a hard decision, challenging studies and processes. even if I have not always felt that the harsh reality of conversation is fully justified, this article (and especially some comments on it both on website and social media) are making me feel otherwise. this is the most important lesson - conversation does NOT solve your own social challenges or deliver instant results. rather it's a choice of lifestyle dictated by the needs of your soul. not sure why one has to go through challenging times, but my hope that you will find your way through it. on the personal note, it's a very sad story that highlights the need to forgive & judge each other favourable.
(118) SPB, November 18, 2018 6:57 AM
Thank you for your touching article. It is important for us all to remember the great mitzva of loving a Ger. I have often pointed out that only a convert truly knows they are Jewish and not a mamzer(es)... the rest of us are just hoping that's the case. So, a convert truly has the best yichus.
A few points regarding shidduchim...
Living in NY is a double-edged sword. In some ways, it is easiest, because it's where the largest concentration of Jews live. Unfortunately, though, as someone who has lived in NY, but now happily lives "out-of-town", I think you will find a higher percentage of Jews who are caring and tolerant of differences in "out-of-town" communities.
Also, it is sad, but when it comes to shidduchim anyone "different" seems to get lumped together. I was divorced with a kid... and had shadchanim suggested the most outlandish ideas.
Most importantly, please remember that while it may be heartbreaking to go through the dating experience, the fact is you only need to find one, the right one.... and when, G-d willing you do, it won't matter whether you dated 200 guys or 20 guys or 2 guys... just that you find the right one.... and when you do, it will be wonderful.... (speaking personally as someone who has been happily (re)married for almost 20 years....
Lastly, remember that Hashem loves every creature on this planet.... and from them people, all the more so... and from them, Jews all the more so... and from them, converts all the more so. You are literally a daughter of Avraham Avinu and Sarah Imeinu (the first converts)... And Who better ti be looking out for us than Him.
May Hashem continue to give you strength... and may you merit to find your true zivug very soon...
(117) marlene leonard, November 15, 2018 4:31 AM
Interesting perspective
I am a convert. While dressing the Torah someone whispered I shouldn't be doing it because of my status. First I cried then the entire congregation called me to apologize.
(116) Anonymous, November 12, 2018 7:28 AM
Thank you for highlighting what needs to be heard
I commend you. As far as I am concerned if you have come home you should be welcomed with open arms.
May Hashem bless you to find your true zivug.
(115) Eliana, November 11, 2018 3:37 PM
Beautiful article
Dear Elishava,
Im so sorry about your experience. Both my husband and myself are nearing the end of our conversion process to Orthodox Judaism. We have never experienced or heard of the challenges you are going through. We belong to a Chabad community. There are a several converts, single women included in our community and I have never heard anything but utter praise and admiration about converts. Chabad truly teacher the Torah word by word and lives it and as you said it is repeated in the Torah to love a convert. I know it would be a transition but maybe try the Chabad community. Or even just go an consult them for advice. They are the most loving, non judgmental group., visit the Rebbe's resting place or 770 in Crown Heights and ask for blessing. Many non Chabad jews do that. Lastly, try to look at your challenges as given by Hashem for a purpose. As everything he does is for the best. May Hashem give you strength and ease your struggles and may you find a good husband.
Margarita, November 18, 2018 6:14 AM
Thank you
Thank you for telling the truth. Wishing you success.
(114) Anthia, November 11, 2018 1:00 AM
Well written dear! Thanks.
God bless and reward you for this. And may your article generate change for the better. You are not alone in this!
(113) JP, November 10, 2018 8:17 AM
We are in a desert.
I understand exactly where you are coming from. Not that I wish your (our) situation on anyone, but it is rather comforting to know that there are other people in the same boat as me.
Most of my friends, no, all of my friends are Christian. I don't have a single Jewish friend. We have a local Shul here that I went to once, but they weren't very hospitable.
If you are looking to make a new friend, ask Aish for my email since they do have it. I am a 27 year old male all the way from Stellenbosch, South Africa.
We are in our own type of desert, just like Israel was, strangers trying to make our way home, just like they did - in a wilderness where they did not belong, on there way to Eretz Yisrael.
May Hashem go before you.
(112) Cliff, November 9, 2018 12:14 PM
God bless you Aliza
God bless you Aliza. I would enjoy very much to hear your conversion story. It is a wonderful thing to hear such stories and inspires me.
I will keep you in my prayers throughout this day that you find the second love of your life, God being your first, who loves and honors you.
(111) Sam Glaser, November 9, 2018 6:52 AM
Try Pico Robertson
One of the most chill, welcoming and wholesome communities will embrace you with open arms, starting with an invite to our Shabbas table! Don't be a stranger!
(110) Debbie F., November 9, 2018 2:07 AM
The shidduch issue is a real problem.
I had a best friend who was a ger in progress for years. The holdup for her was that she was having trouble finding a decent Jewish guy that was interested (and she was beautiful and very popular) and she was afraid to commit to conversion if she'd be alone. She ended up finally not converting and marrying a non-Jew.
(109) David, November 8, 2018 3:56 PM
Thank you
This was a very heartwarming piece And I truly understand at least from a male perspective her struggle for my wife, my dearest dear one who has now gone converted and gave me a truly Jewish home with a perspective quite different from those born into Judaism. Observing, kosher, David an quite different from those born into Judaism. Observing, kosher, Davening, My life with her was wonderful I am sorry for the pain of the author
(108) alan ziegler, November 8, 2018 3:02 PM
Time to leave Crown Heights
Ask your Rabbis, who are generally involved with Kiruv, why few, if any, do not make or suggest marriage with their own children with converts. They seek and prefer thorougbreds, but the nectar of Jewish lineage tells a different story. Tragic they forget about their own press clippings.
(107) Anonymous, November 8, 2018 2:16 PM
My husband is a convert
I know that he had a hard time with shidduchim, but so did I - and I'm FFB (frum from birth). I personally didn't see anything wrong with marrying a convert - on the contrary, I saw that as a sign of what a special person he was - and to be honest, it's not something I think about at all on a daily or even weekly basis. (I do have to say that my father was NOT very happy with the idea of me marrying a convert - but I think that today he appreciates what a wonderful husband I have.)
I am immensely grateful to all the people who helped my husband along his path by opening their homes and their hearts to him. Yes, it might be that some or all of them wouldn't have wanted to marry their own daughters to him, but I'm glad because otherwise I might have snagged him :-)
In short, I do understand your loneliness and the challenges you are undergoing with shidduchim, but I am sure that there is someone out there who is your bashert - and he will marry you very happily, without giving your convert status second thought.
(106) Silvia Haia Antonucci, November 8, 2018 12:29 PM
I am sorry for Aliza and I do not understand why her Community did not stay with her
I read with great interest the article "The Lonely Convert". It struck me a lot. I myself am converted but I have not experienced what Aliza Elisheva writes. I do not mean that I have not heard rumors of people who did not consider me well because converted, but I mean that I have excluded these people from my life and I have attended people who have accepted me 100%. I married a divorced man, but this simply happened, we fell in love when he was already separated from his wife, it was a natural fact. In the Jewish context, unfortunately in the most orthodox circles, especially as regards marriages, sometimes converts are often "put in the background", and this is a shame, precisely because those who judge are "more orthodox", they should know that G-d looks at their behavior and that, even if in the Talmud there are parts not really "in favor" of the converts, it is also true that there are other parts that, instead, speak of converted in an extremely positive way and it is written, also, that who remembers a convert to be so, deserves the punishment of Karet, fact that is commented on its own. It is also very strange that the same community where Aliza Elisheva was converted did not bother to let her enter a family that "took care" of her from a religious point of view. I do not understand why Aliza Elisheva does not have a community near her, some Jewish friends who support her: being Jewish means living in a community, sharing rituals, festivities. It is really bad the story that Aliza Elisheva makes of meetings with Jewish boys whose families are opposed to their relationship because she is converted, really shameful the behavior of the parents and even more shameful the behavior of the boy who evidently was not in love with she and it is equally shameful that the proposed engagements were with people considered "with problems", ie divorced and the like ... I think that it is urgent that a rabbi explain the argoment from the halakic point of view.
(105) kendie, November 7, 2018 11:41 PM
i get it
,I can so identify with this, especially the part about the parents taking it personal. I'm struck by the fact that a convert is called ger, and I'm reminded of the part in the Torah that says to remember that we were once strangers
(104) James, November 7, 2018 1:34 PM
Convert rashi
isaiah 56 Rashi comments on converts
(103) Jeffrey Liss, November 7, 2018 6:37 AM
Invite
If you ever want to get out of the city, you are always welcome at our table for Shabbat or any Holidays. We live in Cherry Hill and I will arrange your Transportation.
Hang in there,
Jeff
(102) Miri, November 7, 2018 6:28 AM
Totally Agree!!!
I'm a convert as well and have been very lonely at times. And I am lonely in terms of dating. I was born with a Jewish soul and it's the only place I feel comfortable, so I have no where else to go.
And the Torah does say to accept and love the convert.
After all we were ALL CONVERTS after we left the land of Egypt. And it is said that everyone who is or becomes Jewish was present at Sinai, so please accept converts as fully Jewish!
With everything going on in the world, we need more Jews, not less. We need each other no matter what background we came from. We need to have each other's backs and to stand united.
(101) Anonymous, November 7, 2018 2:23 AM
Similar situation
Having been in a similar situation of being rejected because of simply 'being', I totally relate, and its really hard. I will say two things, one look at everything as an opportunity for growth. Hashem doesn't take you on your spiritual journey for nothing. Two find a mentor who is a convert who is happily married with kids to look up to, talk to and seek guidance and who knows, maybe they will help you to find your soul-mate.
(100) From an FFB Bubby, November 5, 2018 12:26 PM
Thank you, Aliza Elisheva!
Your hope that "my article generates conversation and helps Jews to fulfill the mitzvah to genuinely love the convert and their fellow Jew." has been achieved. My closest "neshama-sister" friend is a "Jewess by Choice." While she has faced many challenges, now many decades down the line she is reaping the dividends with all of her children well-married and raising beautiful families. She has always maintained an exceptionally close relationship with Hashem, probably strengthened by her many trials and tribulations (partially societal rejection as you describe and plenty of G-d-given tests). Many of those who rejected her children when it came to marriage don't come to her heels in spiritual achievements. I'm sure that in the World of Truth, that truth will be known and she will reap her eternal rewards. But, as I wrote, she also is enjoying this-worldly pleasures - mounds and mounds of nachas from her amazing family, real friendships and the pleasure of her unshakable relationship with Hashem. Way back when, at the time that she herself was looking for her life-partner it was not easy, but until she stood under the chuppah with her (born-Jewish) wonderul husband, what made the wait easier was her focus on the knowledge that Hashem is the only One in control and that she only needs ONE person - the right one - to accept her as she is. So, Aliza Elisheva, you are loved, welcomed and accepted by Hashem and with His help, you will marry a wonderful man who will value all of your special qualities. And for those Jews who love you but stop short at allowing you to marry their children, it is their loss. "Ploni" lost out while Boaz married Ruth thus becoming the forebear of King David and Mashiach. Rabbi David Ashear has a beautiful, inspiring daily emuna email that you can subscribe to (for free): http://www.ateresshimon.org/daily-email-programs.html - my daily shot of chizuk to help me focus on Who is handing me my challenges and Who gets me through them!
(99) buzz, November 5, 2018 8:45 AM
Shame on Jews who shun the convert
My wife converted as we dated. A 'friend' made a negative remark about her conversion and I told him if he ever said anything like that again I'd beat him to a pulp. I stopped associating with him. I’m a former Marine and I prefer to talk, but if reason and kindness is lacking then i am ready to use another 'language'. My wife had an orthodox conversion. I love her dearly. I will not stand in silence if someone abuses her.
A female convert, broke down in tears because her husband's family verbally attacked her conversion. Her husband was silent. I would have thrown my family out if that was done in my presence. As the former head of the Jewish Defense league in my city for 10 years I know all Jews aren’t perfect We Jews can create hatred against us. We must honor the convert for they’ve had not heard the trumpets on the Mount, yet they still joined our faith. If a Jew hears someone berating a ger, it’s their obligation to perform a mitzvah and tell the moron bothering the ger to shut up? Abusive slobs like that often think kindness to be weakness.
Bubbelove, November 7, 2018 9:35 PM
I hate the word "Ger" when talking about a Convert
I find it despicable using the Hebrew word Ger for a convert.
A convert is no longer a stranger, and therefore the word is repulsive. I think that there should be no name for a convert to Judaism other than Jewish Soul.
(98) [shem] b-t Sarah, November 5, 2018 2:21 AM
Tizki l’mitzvot!
? !!!תודה רבה
(97) Maria, November 4, 2018 11:29 PM
Yes
Hi Lisa,I just want to say that I completely understand your position,we need to remember that all Jews where converted at mount Sinai when Torah was given.,I hope you have the strength to keep on your faith.I am in the beginning of this journey to convert my soul desire to embrace Judaism so feeling alone is not easy ,but G-d is in control.May G-d bless you Lisa
(96) John, November 4, 2018 8:19 PM
Wonderfully stated. You are a woman of valor, and no doubt a very good catch.
(95) Esther, November 4, 2018 6:38 PM
yes you are 100% Jewish
but Jews are not the most open minded people when it comes to the issues you raise, soul searching is a hard thing to do
(94) Lisa, November 4, 2018 4:26 PM
? Jewish
Thank you so much for your article on conversion. I did not know that converts experienced this kind of loneliness. I think it is wonderful that you are sharing your experience. In a way I understand, even though I was born Jewish, I did not learn basic Jewish prayers or certain rituals and felt very isolated when I started attending Jewish services. I felt lonely as well and still feel insecure and “less than” when attending certain services. God Bless You and your commitment to Judaism ✡️ which is more than many who were born into a Jewish home.
(93) Dr. Miguel Stroe, November 4, 2018 4:16 PM
well put
There is a lot of learning that observant Jews have to do. Remember to be kind to the stranger because you were once strangers... . I agree with the writer that asking private questions such as 'reasons for converting to Judaism' have to be done in the appropriate setting and with a lot of tact. The gerei Tzedek have always contributed to our people's strength, remembering Onkelus, Rabbi Akiva, etc.
(92) Robert Rabinoff, November 4, 2018 3:55 PM
Not just converts!
Finding one's bashert never seems to be easy for anyone. There are lots of "difficult cases" -- the divorced, ba'alei t'shuvah (who in some respects are almost like converts in terms of loss of family, lack of family traditions, etc.), the widowed. And there are also the too-picky who sacrifice the good on the altar of the perfect.
So hang in there and rest assured that the Ribono shel Olam treasures you as much or more than any born Jew, and is giving you exactly what you need at every moment.
(91) Naomi Lieberman, November 4, 2018 3:40 PM
Lonely convert
Dear Aliza,
May Hashem bless you and welcome!!
Love,
Nomi
(90) Anonymous, November 4, 2018 3:35 PM
It helps to keep a journal of thanks to G-d & to keep in mind:
My sister, Aliza, and everyone reading this: May I share that the intended marriage partner is just that, intended. It would be wonderful to convert to Judaism and quickly and comfortably be introduced to the pre-ordained other half of the soul. But it usually doesn't go that way. People are usually given, by Divine Providence, many experiences that force them to dig deeper in their relationship with G-d, one's own soul, and people. It would also be wonderful if we all heard only support and respect. It would feel great to somehow never hear from Torah-educated Jews, who we assume should "know better", but are grappling with their own inner struggles, from their own journeys in gullous, words that don't seem Torah-true, and can be experienced as discouraging and hurtful. Only G-d is perfect. I was born Jewish, but took on Torah and mitzvoth in my twenties. It took some years for my intended to discover Torah and mitzvoth and then meet me through a matchmaker. It was NO picnic. But unlike previous "suggestions" my intended really fit, made sense. It took me more years to be able to keep going straight to G-d to help myself to not still feel "alone", now trying to raise a family while struggling with my vulnerability and "newness" MISUNDERSTOOD by my and my husband's not yet religious family, and even within the religious community; to forgive people who I felt HURT by, and focus energy on those who ARE currently in an overall healthy position, where we can often encourage each other. The years that I was single were so challenging, but things improved when I started to "thank in advance" for my zivug, wherever he was, and all of his growth etc. I do think that kind of praying was in time with his being blessed to discover Judaism (also not on a smooth road). Throughout "Tanach" it never went smoothly. Aliza, we know G-d loves you, and all of us, all together as one. Blessings for revealed good to all, especially Moshiach that we all want.
Anonymous, November 4, 2018 3:57 PM
p.s. Just saw Naomi's Comment (91) Amen!
"May Hashem bless you and welcome!" from "(90) Anonymous".
klaudya, November 5, 2018 2:57 AM
thank you
A thank you diary! Everyday we enjoyed small miracles, so what could be more appropriate that to keep a *Thank you diary* ,for all the thousands and thousands of favors.. Hashem does for us everyday!
Whatever we are lacking or asking for, a thank you can go a long way! thank you for sharing and all the best Aliza (:
linda, November 10, 2018 11:55 AM
Agree! I am learning to have gratitude for trial and tribulations because: Everything is from Hashem; Everything from Hashem is good; Everything from Hashem has purpose (teachings of R Shlalom Arush/R Nachman of Breslev. Instead of blaming others for our difficulties we can praise Hashem for our situation and even loneliness while waiting with emuna instead of despair (Hashem forbids) for our soul mates or fellowship with converts or Jews. Thank you Aliza, your story on these pages is also from Hashem! May we all turn to Him with teshuva, renewed humbleness and kindness. Baruch Hashem
(89) Barbara Ben-David, November 4, 2018 3:05 PM
I am in awe
Your article was so full of sincerity, courage, sensitivity and strength! You are a beacon!!
(88) Anonymous, November 4, 2018 12:37 PM
Thank you for giving us insightful advice.
It sometimes takes a great deal of courage to search for the 'emes' in expressing personal and, especially, embarrassing details. I admire your sincere rendering of an important area that really requires attention. I feel that you are using your "giver" character qualities in helping us to shape up. Hatzlocha that your article is read and appreciated by those who can help and be active in changing this important part of our obligations...not only to do what is correct but also not to withhold what is absolutely required . Thank you.
(87) Raphaelle Do Lern Hwei, November 4, 2018 9:11 AM
Living In Community
I am not too sure of the comment that someone divorced with children is a difficult case, like the recent convert to Judaism. I also read your profile and think you have a very nice working life. I am not of the Jewish faith but I find that I share some of the beliefs. There are quite a few "perfectionists" around in any faith community those who tend to look and highlight another's character flaws. I believe that the divorced person with children could be better than one who is never married and does not have children but lots of picky and fault finding parents and elder family members. Worse still, is that you find this out when you are married and that he inherits some of their character traits.
(86) Eliyahu Avraham, November 4, 2018 5:25 AM
The Lonely Convert
I am also a convert to Judaism. I enjoyed reading the column. I just have to say, that the origin of conversions goes back to our Father Avraham and Mother Sarah. During the Exodus, the Egyptians joined the Children of Israel. The Egyptians were also know as strangers or “ger”. It should be noted that the ger or convert were not assigned to any of the Hebrew tribes. They were a fifth column, they were never enlisted to war. They lived among their own group, They were not included in the distribution of land as well. Yet, the converts were required to observe all 613 mitzvot.
(85) Rabbi T, November 3, 2018 10:21 PM
Take Heart
Aliza, you've probably noticed that almost every response to your article has been sympathetic, with some readers even offering you their friendship. So, yes, there are some misguided Jews who just don't know how to treat another person. But you can see for yourself how many people are on your side. Second, some communities are naturally more open-minded, but the modesty you value so highly could be challenged if you join one. I hope you find the right fit -- whether in your current community or another one. Please post a follow-up article so that we all know how you're doing!
(84) Ayelet Hashachar, November 3, 2018 6:29 PM
Thank you
Thank you Aliza for sharing!
(83) Aray, November 3, 2018 4:34 PM
Thank you for your sincerity
Thank you for sharing a subject that is so important address. Thank you for the courage.
(82) Isaac changani, November 3, 2018 12:48 PM
Dear Aliza you're in my prayers.
(81) Anonymous, November 3, 2018 11:28 AM
Move to a new Jewish Community
Congratulations on your conversion; BH. I'm not sure where you live. I understand the loneliness from your immediate family. That's a shame. but if you don't feel absolutely welcomed, loved, and embraced by your Jewish community than I say you are in the wrong community. I would say move to somewhere, (research and visit) to a community which welcomes all Jews; regardless of background, where you can practice your observance, meet good Jewish men, be included in activities, and be welcomed and embraced by the woman of the community. I spent 20 years in California. In my younger years, I spent time at Aish, a wonderful organization which embraces all Jews, converts included. Later, I was involved in 3 Chabad Shuls: Shul by the Shore, Chabad Redondo Beach JCC, and the Chai Center. All three had many converts, who married within and outside the community. In all three, many of the converts were leaders. At Shul by the Shore, the Rabbi's right-hand woman was a convert and NO-ONE looked at her as this or that or anything but a great Jewish Woman. At the Chabad JCC we had 20 Noahides who came to every Shabbos and everyone treated them as one with the community. I used to love seeing them. They were so excited to be there and everyone was excited they were there. It was beautiful and a few of them converted. I'm also involved with another Chabad Shul outside California and the same is true here. I love Aish as well and I know they have the same outlook. If you are in NYC, in the middle of the hood, get out. There are too many Orthodox and they can become way too judgemental. Move to where there are lots of Orthodox; enough to live an observant life but where you aren't cut off from the rest of the world. All the best. Be blessed. You can't go wrong with either Aish or Chabad but outside the hood.
Yael, November 5, 2018 4:30 AM
I Agree That A Different Community May Feel Different
I grew up in a "out of town" community, where it was normal for someone's parent or grandparent to be a convert or Baal teshuva. It wasn't until I went to Seminary and met a lot of girls from New York that I realized that this was not the case in all places . I'm not trying to paint with a broad brush, to say that all Jews from New York are closed minded or anything like that, but in communities that are more diverse it is easier to fit in. Also, smaller communities tend to be more welcoming because it's easier to notice when someone's new. And each Community has its own style and flavor. This is not to excuse Jews who don't make room for converts in their community, and it doesn't mean that a small community won't have any people who are mistaken in this way.
Thank you for your essay- we can probably all use a reminder to remember those who are left to fend for themselves. Hatzlacha with everything.
(80) Joy Simcha Dame, November 3, 2018 6:44 AM
I'm a convert and have made efforts to observent, I stand alone and don't go to temple where I currently live,I was not made to feel welcome by the current rabbi
(79) Jay Schiffres, November 2, 2018 10:14 PM
Thank you
Your statement is wonderful and sad. I would bet that most jews do not realize that you were included in the thousands at Mount
Sinai when G-D revealed his laws and blessings. You touched my heart.
Jay Schiffres
(78) Helen Dudden, November 2, 2018 8:54 PM
Very useful
There is another difficult area, that of the Disabled Convert. As a disabled person I've struggled to be taken seriously as a potential convert for many years. I've commented on Chabad on the subject many times. It's sad but true.
(77) Anonymous, November 2, 2018 7:59 PM
Sadly, you’re not alone
Hi Aliza, While I read aish often, I have never commented on a post but felt I should this time. First of all, I’m so sorry! I have never met you but as Jews we are one. So I’m sorry on behalf of all of us that treated you in such a way. No excuses ever! Second, you are not alone. I wish more people would speak up. I am not a convert but my father is and my mother passed away. The combination of the two literally have people telling me that I can only marry into certain families and men turning me down because their mothers wouldn’t approve. It’s truly amazing! We live in a world where we have control over absolutely nothing other than our reactions to things and yet somehow we are constantly judged by our fellow Jews for things clearly out of control instead of praised and supported for our good choices! It amazes me. To be honest, this is why I stopped dating myself. It’s impossible. I don’t have a rabbi for a dad and I come from what I’m told is a broken home. I appreciate you bringing this up! I know you are a convert and brought it up with a slightly different approach but you truly aren’t alone. Unless you fall into a few different “Judaism groups” you’re an outcast. Again I am so sorry and it looks like you have lots more support than you think! Stay strong! Hashem is holding the reigns so just try to enjoy the ride :)
(76) Srul, November 2, 2018 6:42 PM
Best of wishes...
I just wanted to mention that I thought Aliza comes across as really intelligent and sensitive, and that it is obvious that she has a lot to offer...as a prospective mate. I would add that, as an as-yet unmarried Jewish observant man, I would be very interested in forming an acquaintance with her, if that agreed with her . She could contact me, directly or otherwise, at vze8f0jv at verizon dot net. Thank you and all the best,
Srul
(75) Eva, November 2, 2018 5:00 PM
Hi Aliza, My name is Eva, let's be friends. I also live in Brooklyn and I am a convert too.
Aish has my e-mail, please email me.
All the best,
-Eva
(74) Anonymous, November 2, 2018 2:12 PM
So true...
As a convert, I've gone through everything the author describes, and then some. It's been 26 years since my conversion - so I've been Jewish most of my life. In fact, very few people know I'm a convert. But some things never go away. The difficulties in Shidduchim - one might think they're gone once you're married, but wait, they'll pop right back up again when it's your children's turn to get married. (I confess, after my kids finally got engaged, I did feel a bit of vindication when they had no problem proving to the Rabbi that they were Jewish, but their spouses, whose parents were born Jewish, had to produce all sorts of documents before finally being deemed Jewish!) Even if no one in a community knows you're a convert, there will still be life events that feel incredibly lonely - like when you make a simcha and can't share it - or share it deeply and meaningfully - with your family, or when there are no grandparents at your Pesach seder, or when a parent passes away and you don't sit shiva but don't want to explain to everyone why not. It's a priceless privilege to be a Jew. Yet there is a reason that there is a special mitzvah to love the convert, which is repeated so often in the Torah - no matter how wonderful and busy our lives, at some deep level we are very much alone but for Hashem. Thank you, Aliza, for writing this - it was to good to find support in your article, and important for others to understand. May you have much siyatta diShmaya and joy on your journey.
(73) Amichai, November 2, 2018 12:49 PM
Thank you
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings! Even though I am sure many of us know what the Torah says to hear it again and to feel the pain of ypur brother/sister going through this process is important. When you come to Israel you will be more than welcome to spend Shabbos with our family hopefully with your husband and if not who knows maybe you'll find him here/ May Hashem bless you with much happines and a wonderful spouse!
(72) Anonymous, November 2, 2018 8:12 AM
אחדות
שלם!אני בעצמי למרות שכבר יהודיה עברתי פעמיים גיור!יש גיור ויש גרים!בורות וחוסר רגישות וידעה בעם ישראל ובמיוחד במגזר החרידי זה ממש חילול השם בהדור!לא באה לקטרג או לשפוט רק לבכות לא עלי ועל גרי צדק שמקרבים את בגאולה ועושים תקונים בשקט וצנע אלא לשפוך כאן בבקשה וברכה!אמת אחדות ואבהב זו הגאולה!!!נשבור תבניות מחשבתיות !הינו עבדים במצרים בתבניות די כבר!
מי שמממש יהודי לא דבוק בתבניות אלא בהשם!לא מכירם את השם אז איך אוהבים ועובדים אותו!כדאי שנגיע להרחבת תודעה ויושר!
(71) Roxanne, November 2, 2018 7:17 AM
I wish I could give you a hug. You are a Jew period. No one should question you. May you be blessed with an amazing soulmate. May all of us (including me) be welcoming and loving towards all our brothers and sisters.
(70) Ariela Yael, November 2, 2018 6:58 AM
It's a question of fitting in
I don't think Aliza's problem in finding her bashert is so much that she's a convert but it's a question of will she fit in with the family/community that she'll marry into. I am also a convert but I converted 15 years after I married my Jewish husband in a civil ceremony--we remarried after my conversion in a Jewish one--but for those 15 years, in addition to taking Jewish/Hebrew courses, I paid close attention to my Jewish in-laws and in that way I was able to pick up and absorb the subtleties/nuances that are so very important in fitting in. It's not enough to be Jewish--you have to think in a Jewish frame of mind. Find your minhag/community and concentrate on fitting in with their standards. This may help you find your match.
(69) Annie Schlachet, November 2, 2018 5:27 AM
appreciation
Thank you for writing and submitting this beautiful heartfelt article about your personal experience. I understand the issues and points you made. I've had several convert friends over the years and they love Judaism as much as any dedicated Jew. Their stories, as yours, have been interesting to learn. I never thought of treating them less than Jewish by choice. There are many Jews who don't make that decision, rather take their Jewishness for granted or don't claim it with their heart. Again, thank you for offering this information and enlightenment to us.
(68) Anonymous, November 2, 2018 5:08 AM
I am never married. I am an observant. Haven't converted. I know how hard it is to be alone in life when others have settled down in their life. There are few people in my life who balmes me that I haven't got married because I follow judaism. Now, I am afraid when searching for a soulmate. I haven't found anyone who is convert or follows Judaism. I feel it's better to bear the pain instead of marrying a guy who doesn't believe or follow Judaisam. It aches my heart when match makers would ask me to marry a person who is divorced just because I am growing older now. Now I pray to Hashem to bless those who are looking for their soulmate.
Anonymous, August 28, 2019 1:20 PM
I am in the process of converting to Orthodox Judaism. I live in Manchester. I was with my partner 12 years and we both wanted to convert but unfortunately he became alcoholic without any willingness to change... Sometimes is better to be alone.
(67) Anonymous, November 2, 2018 4:54 AM
shidduch possibioity
My wife and I know 6 very fine single men of high caliber who we think would be willing to date and marry a convert. I have no idea of who is good for you. Four of these were never married, and two are divorced. All six are between the ages of 52 and 67. I do not know if you want to meet a man that age. If you do, I give Aish permission to give you my e-maiil address, and if you contact us we will be willing to work with you from there.
Meira Rivka, November 2, 2018 8:33 AM
Shidduch
She’s like 26. Why would she want to go on dates with men double her age? You don’t know a nice mensch in his 30’s?
Moskovits, November 2, 2018 1:49 PM
Shidduch
I Think you didn't read her article well or you don't understand what she is writing. 52? 67?? Why would a 26 old girl marry an old man?
Anonymous, November 2, 2018 6:28 PM
Did not read carefully
I made a mistake--I did not see that her age was given. Not knowing whether she was 26 or 46 I suggested possibilities to her with the question asking if any of these might be appropriate. I think that is the right way to go if one does not know the age. I do need to be more careful to read details. If anyone thought I was not caring in suggesting a reasonable match that perhaps that person needs to be more careful in being dan l’chaf zechus.. The main point of my comment was even though it is nice to be supportive verbally it is not enough just to SAY. We all must also DO, so I was trying to do my share helping her find a shidduch. No, we are not shadchanim and do not know younger men to suggest. My wife and I try to do as much chesed as possible, for example for making and bringing supper to homebound people, inviting homeless people off the street or lonely people in for a meal, or even to stay possibly for a day or two or even longer. We do not have a lot of money, but try to help in other ways. There are many acts of chesed we try to do and suggest others try to think of ways also--we may visit strangers in a hospital or senior citizen home. Our daughter adopted as a younger "sister" a child with Down's syndrome and studied with her regularly so she could do well in school and she actually graduated high school. Our daughter refused to go to camp because she felt her "little sister" needed her. We have had people in our home whose parents kicked them out. I try to put away all the siddurim and chumashim left out after davening, and on Shabbos it may take one-half hour. This is something we can all do and should do as a matter of kavod to Shule. But how many do that? If someone needs medical help or lost a job, we try to network for them. In fact, I was in a terrible accident a few years ago, B"H I am alive, but was laid up for months, lost my job because of that and still unemployed for years. It is very hard, but we try to help all anyway.
(66) Zehava, November 2, 2018 4:23 AM
Eliza, I know how you feel
Dear Eliza:
I converted 10 years ago, and I understood very deeply every word you wrote. I was drawn to Judaism for religious reasons, and when I started studying Judaism I felt like an invisible tuning fork within me was set to a Jewish frequency. I have since learned that I have Jewish ancestry on my mother's side, many generations ago. I had no idea, but it did not surprise me at all. Before I found out, I used to tell people that I did not feel like a convert, but a ba'al t'shuva, because I had no other religion, Judaism is my natal religion. At the end of the day I have come to understand that ultimately it does not matter how other people view your conversion. Yes, it can be painful and people can be mean (woman who screamed when I set a bottle of salad dressing on the counter and defiled her holy kitchen, you come to mind. ) But convert or born Jew Hashem gave us all Torah at Sinai, and no one can take that away. I hope you find your place in community and that I do too.
(65) Rabbi Aryeh Moshen, November 2, 2018 4:18 AM
Odd Questions That Make Sense
I don't often bring my candidates to the Lakewood Beis Din. When they met my first one they asked, "With whom do you eat your Shabbos meals?" and "Whom can you call at midnight when you have to talk to someone?" If you want to help a Ger, Giyores, BT, or divorcee be on those lists.
Anon, November 5, 2018 6:11 PM
That's beautiful, thank you for posting.
(64) Shaiky, November 2, 2018 2:01 AM
A Fairytale: born religious
Funny, as a Jew born to a religious family it is so easy to marry, all the girls and their parents drool all over me. I have never heard of parents turning me down and not even introducing the possibility to their daughters because they think it just wouldn’t work. My family is close to me and we never fight. The expectations of me have never exceeded the results of my effort. I have never had any challenges at work, and my salary always exceeded my expectations. I have never had financial constraints. After Yeshiva, I continue to get more invites than I can accept. I have never been hungry anywhere that served nonkosher food. None of my friends got married younger than me, none started families before me and none became so occupied with raising their kids that they had no time for me. I was born to a religious Jewish family and people like ME never have any problems.
(63) Naomi, November 2, 2018 2:00 AM
I am Sorry....
I am very sorry to learn about the way you have been treated among the Haredim they are very closed community, they would have treated me just the same as modern Orthodox Jew. It’s kind of strange because King David comes from Ruth who was also convert. Your story is very well written and touching. I think Modern Orthodox are more accepting and open community. Good luck.
Bracha, November 2, 2018 7:20 PM
Definitely agree
I agree with Naomi, you don't need to be treated that way, and you should know that not all Jews believe that converts are second class citizens. Those people are the same people who think that if you own a TV or you wear a skirt a little above your knees or you consider yourself modern orthodox, you are also a second class citizen. I was born Jewish into a religious family and when I was still allowing people to set me up on dates, I got the same type of selective dates because my parents are divorced! Some people are just closed-minded. There are other communities that aren't, so you may want to consider going somewhere more open? I am so sorry you're having to go through that, and the nosy inappropriate questions- also SO not okay!! I believe that sincere converts are such a special part of the Jewish nation. We were born into it and didn't choose the hardships that come along with it, but you did, and that's amazing. To be judged harshly for it is absolutely obnoxious. My sister and I are both unmarried "older" (28 and 29) singles haha as well, and it is definitely hard to find a guy who is somewhere in the middle like we are- cares about judaism and shabbos and kosher, but is also more modern orthodox and relaxed about most things. I believe that if you keep hoping and praying for your soulmate, Hashem will send him to you at the right time, hopefully very soon! If you'd like to contact me for anything, please let me know. As cheesy as it sounds, I would love to have a friend like you!
Bracha
Yoni, November 2, 2018 8:07 PM
Love Your Fellow Jew
I think it’s really inappropriate to blame a whole community for the callous actions of a few. It’s particularly wrong to do so when Aliza mentioned the community she lives in. I grew up and lived my entire life in (“ultra hareidi”) Lakewood, NJ and it’s a wonderful community full of caring people, full of chesed. Sure, there are some bad apples anywhere, but it’s really wrong to malign an entire segment of Klal Yisroel. Please don’t use someone’s pain as a platform to put down other communities.
(62) Anonymous, November 2, 2018 1:56 AM
In the closet
I understand your feelings. I just hide it. For decades I have not said a word about being a concert but to my wife. It is so sad having to hide who you really are, but it is either that or rampant discrimination.
Anonymous, November 2, 2018 7:21 PM
so sad!
I'm so sorry that you're made to feel that way. That is so not okay. You're just as much a Jew as any of us, and shame on the people who would treat you any differently!
(61) Bonnie Nickle, November 2, 2018 1:36 AM
Sorry to hear this , hope it gets better.
I am disappointed in this discrimination practice, I call it as I see it. Where is the unity ? Let's do better.
(60) cee, November 2, 2018 12:44 AM
Beautifully written
Thank you for your honest and helpful words. I wish you the fulfillment of all your dreams. May Hashem send your basherte very soon and may all Jews learn from your words.
(59) Sheri Cordova, November 2, 2018 12:34 AM
The word "convert" is a verb! Welcome to the family!
Dear Aliza, for the past 18 years I have faciitated our city's "Introduction to Judaism" class. One of the first things I emphasize to my students is that there is no such thing as a convert! Convert is something one does: once that process has been completed, you are welcomed to the community as a Jew and considered non other than Jewish from then on. The Talmud instructs us in this mitzvah.
Whether born Jewish or converted to Judaism, we are all Jews by choice: how we conduct our lives and participate in our community is what defines us as Jewish.
Kol Tuv, Sheri
Anonymous, November 2, 2018 7:23 PM
What a great point! So true- no one has the right to make a convert feel like less of a Jew because they aren't! And if they think that, they need to take a look at their own Judaism and the way they treat their fellow man.
(58) Anonymous, November 2, 2018 12:26 AM
Thank you for sharing your insights. I pray that we all learn and practice your good advice. I am proud to welcome you to the fold.
(57) Anonymous, November 1, 2018 10:30 PM
Challenges can make you stronger
I read this article with great interest. Although I an an FFB married to an FFB, I also faced an unexpected crisis albeit of a very different nature. Here are some points I believe are important for any frum person to keep in mind. 1. It’s essential to have a rav that knows you personally and is accessible. When someone is in crisis, they will need advice. 2. Try to strengthen your faith. There are a wealth of musser works translated to English that one can choose from. My personal favorite is Chovas Halvovos (The Duties of the Heart). 3. Recognize that this difficult period in your life was tailored specifically for you by Hashem. A person can grow greatly spiritually from dealing with adversity in the correct manner. 4. Daven (pray) to Hashem! He’s always listening! As far as your shidduch prospects are concerned, I would strongly advise you not to compromise in two points. Make sure your prospective spouse is someone of good character (midos tovos). Secondly, make sure that he is passionate about his Judaism and wants to grow spiritually. Everything else you can compromise on! Wishing you much hatzlacha, I’m sure you will find your other half and build a wonderful Jewish home!
(56) Anonymous, November 1, 2018 10:19 PM
I'm so sorry for your loneliness
I was so sad to read your article, and I am sorry on behalf of our community for not doing enough to help you find your bashert in this world. You have taken on a huge amount and I am always so inspired by any converts I meet. Thank you for writing so honestly, and I will try to take your words to heart.
May Hashem help you to find the right one, easily and soon!
(55) A Noahide, November 1, 2018 10:01 PM
Sad reality
Stuff like this puts me off from wanting to convert. As if constant battles & struggles with oneself, ones family and society isnt enough, I dont think that born Jews realise how much a ger has to deal with. Non-stop pressure, striving every moment to live upto everyones expectations while doing their best to please G-d and not accidently break a rule. I dont know if I’ll ever become a Jew but nevertheless, Id like to ask all born Jews to have mercy on the converts. Overlook their faults and treat them like you would treat a born Jew. Dont be the reason to someone elses pain. May the Almighty guide us all, and unite the Jewish people as one. Best wishes! :)
Anonymous, November 2, 2018 7:27 PM
Thank you
What you wrote really breaks my heart, because even as a born Jew I am able to see so much judgement and closed-mindedness in some (not all) Jewish communities and I distance myself from them because I don't need to be judge harshly for not living exactly the way others do. Definitely something that we all need to work on because that is NOT what Judaism is supposed to stand for. Loving kindness and leaving judgments only up to G-d are what Judaism is supposed to be about.
(54) Anonymous, November 1, 2018 9:22 PM
Aliza elisheva I forgot to mention May you soon find someone good to marry someone who worthy for you.
(53) Ellen Jensen, November 1, 2018 9:14 PM
May Hashem bring all who are searching someone suited to you with lev tov
It must be very difficult for you to find yourself suspected and kept at a distance even now you are Jewish. There are also others who are born Jewish struggling to find suitable partners. Sometimes it is an option to create a network of people looking for partners who socialise together and keep an eye out for others, too. It can be even more rewarding to learn together and to grow together as a group, offering opportunities to get to know the people and not just their image. May Hashem bless you and all who are similarly situated with good marriages and families. Kol tuv!
(52) Anonymous, November 1, 2018 9:12 PM
I'm Jewish because my mom and grandmother. But people don't welcome me and make me comfortable to. Aliza Elisheva is a beautiful name. I can't be in your shoes so I can't truly know how it feels insude even though you wrote about it. It's like telling someone motherhood is hard but you don't know until you go through it to truly feel what it is like. I' wouldn't mind being your friend. I live in Florida.You are right people should treat you better. Converting shows the strength you have and the beauty you have. It is unfortunate that you are having a hard time finding your bashert.Why do people give a hard time to converts, divorced ,etc.... instead of getting to know person before they judge. May Hashem help you always .
(51) Anonymous, November 1, 2018 8:18 PM
Some Advice
I read your article - with understanding and sympathy. Human nature will always be human nature. My advice to you - if I may offer some - is to consider a different city. Crown Heights is a lovely location - but there - it's a big city in a big city. My experience is with Cleveland - both Cleveland Heights and University Heights/Beachwood. They are very warm and welcoming - out of town and yet vibrant Jewish cities. If you feel a closeness to Chabad - then University Heights/Beachwood is more your location. Rabbi Nisenbaum and Rabbi Stoll are incredible in the Kiruv community - thought not Chabad. They are affiliated with the Jewish Learning Connection which is also located in University Heights/Beachwood. I hope I was helpful. Don't give up - keep your eye on the reason you became Jewish - and never lose track of that.
(50) Carole Paul, November 1, 2018 7:56 PM
Marriage
Glad I became Orthodox, but not to receive the comment "I hope you don't think your the same as us" when it comes to marry. It always means I should marry another convert. She is a convert. I understant this article.
(49) Anonymous, November 1, 2018 6:57 PM
DONT BE LONELY YOU NEVER ALONE
DEAR ALIZA:
I READ THE STORIES HERE ON AISH AND YOUS TOUCHED ME DEEPLY EVEN BEING BORN JEWISH NOT ALL ARE ACCEPTING IF YOU DONT HAVE THE RIGHT FAMILY BACKROUND AS I BECAME MORE OBSERVANT, KOSHER, STUDYING TORAH AND TALMUD I HAVE NOT FOUND TO MAY OTHERS ACCEPTING THE LIFE I WANT TO LEAD.
I BELEAVE IN YOU AND YOU WILL FIND THE RIGHT ONE AND REMEMBER YOU VERY XTRA SPECIAL FOR THE TORAH DOES REMIND US TO LOVE OUR CONVERTS AND WELCOME PLEASE FEEL FREE TO WRITE BACK.
CHAIM
(48) Anonymous, November 1, 2018 6:05 PM
Hello there!
So sad to hear of your sorrow and pain.. There will always be negative and thoughtless people who hurt others. Remember, some eople are disabled in their bodies, others are disabled in their character and personality. Avoid the as you would the plague. You owe them nothing at all. Not even the time of day.. May Hashem surround you with loving and supportive individuals, and may you have happiness and joy very soon..
(47) Ssritz, November 1, 2018 5:50 PM
Great story, full of feeling, very touching
You are so brave and with strong determination, Good luck in finding your Bachert.
(46) Anonymous, November 1, 2018 5:36 PM
Please do not give up...
I read your article with great sadness- because you seem so unhappy. First, keep looking for another shadchan! Looking for a shadchan is like looking for someone to marry. Not all shadchans are for everyone! EVERY girl gets turned away by shadchans, all for different reasons... a family is not frum enough, a brother or sister went "off the derech," there is a disabled sibling, the girl is not educated enough or is TOO educated, the family is not wealthy enough, the girl was not raised frum but became a baal t'shuvah, etc., etc. Young men also get turned away for similar reasons. You might also try one of the online dating sites for frum people. One of my own daughters met her wonderful husband on such a site. Most of all, do not try to explain your status to anyone NOT concerned with marriage. It is none of their business. You are just as Jewish as everyone else, and don't owe any explanations!!! Finally, get out and join, Join, JOIN!!! Make new friends in the community!!! Make your OWN life and happiness, just like everyone else!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! May you be blessed...
Anonymous, November 1, 2018 8:04 PM
uplifting comment !
Yes ! just reading your comment made me smile! Do as she said Aliza, many Blessings !
(45) Elisheva, November 1, 2018 5:15 PM
Thank you!
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and your pain.
I agree with you whole heartedly. There is a lot of discrimination against converts. Torah mentions 36 times "love the convert." And many times it also indicates One law for both. So if Hashem sees converts no differently, why is it even an issue?
Please feel comfort in this..... if a convert is mistreated all you need to do is cry out to Hashem and He will take care of it.
Naava, November 1, 2018 9:15 PM
Beautiful words
Thank you for this.
(44) Laurie Young, November 1, 2018 5:07 PM
This shadchan would be happy to help you
What a beautiful essay you have shared. Please get in touch with me so I can try to find you a shidduch. There is a form on my website www.seattleshadchan.com.
(43) Lynn, November 1, 2018 4:25 PM
Me too.
Hang in there. Hashem will introduce you to your bashert at the right time. I am a convert too. I am fortunate to be happily married now, but I have experienced some unkindness in my community. I was particularly saddened by a Jewish woman I met in class. We hit it off and we’re quite friendly until she learned I was a convert. She yelled, “was it a kosher conversion?!!!!” I was horrified and embarrassed. I said of course it was. She never spoke to me again. I couldn’t wait for that class to end.
Dave, November 1, 2018 8:36 PM
This is awful.
I am so, so sorry that this happened to you. As a Jew-by-birth, I was raised to truly respect, welcome and admire Jews-by-choice. We are all members of the same Jewish People - we are brothers and sisters, children of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. What difference does it make if someone joined the family by birth, or through adoption? We are all part of the family now, that's all that matters. G-d bless.
Anonymous, November 2, 2018 7:32 PM
What a horrible way to treat someone!! I feel like crying for you. Yes, some people have no idea how to treat people who are even slightly different from them and you don't need such people in your life. Converts are absolutely wonderful and I believe they make the Jewish nation stronger and better.
(42) Ellen Center, November 1, 2018 4:21 PM
Not just converts!!!!
We need to treat everyone who is different from the norm with love and respect. Sometimes it can be open season on anyone who is different in soul or a guest in someone's home
(41) Mark Steyne, November 1, 2018 4:09 PM
Hi Aliza If you have gone through a conversion you are 100% Jewish. Do not allow anyone to tell you otherwise . My guess is that only the extreme Orthodox Jews would question your membership to the religion . Sadly it seems to me that the more extreme followers of all faiths are likely to hold these exclusive views .
(40) Anonymous, November 1, 2018 4:02 PM
shidduch crisis and unmarried Jewish women
I think an orthodox organization such as Aish could better serve the public by being involved helping the many many unmarried Jewish women. Why do converts object to marrying other converts? Do THEY think converts are inferior?
Rishona, November 1, 2018 6:43 PM
B/C Most Converts are Women
I don't know of the exact numbers, but the vast majority of converts are women. To try to match a convert with another convert....you are trying to funnel many to only a few prospects. Either that or you wait years until the mythical male convert (outside of Israel) appears.
Anonymous, November 1, 2018 6:53 PM
Marry other convert
The dating field should not be limited to just other converts. If you are of Polish descent should your matches be limited to only Jews who are also of Polish descent?. If full conversion has taken place the person should NOT be reminded of their former life, as they are now Jews. Possible matches should be any other Jew they are compayible with.
Anonymous, November 1, 2018 8:11 PM
100% agreed
Once you become a Jew, you are a Jew, just think of Ruth,Naomi look after her a a daughter and made sure she married a JEW! and ... you know the rest of the history (:
Anonymous, November 2, 2018 7:35 PM
Exactly!
Couldn't have said it better myself. There is NO reason a convert should have to marry only another convert. A Jew is a Jew and converts should be treated just like any other.
Rachel, November 2, 2018 4:53 AM
Converts need a Jewish family
The OU action magazine recently had a whole issue about conversion. It was pointed out that 2 converts will have no Jewish family members. I’m in a similar situation in that my husband’s very unibservant family could not be helpful to us. We’ve been on our own for holidays, had no help with bris, bar/bat mitzvahs, kids education, etc. Both my late parents and my husband’s parents are good, kind people, but they don’t understand and share our lifestyle.
There is also rabbinic opinion that the daughter of 2 converts may not marry a Kohen.
I would suggest that Aliza consider looking for a shidduch among the Modern Orthodox in Manhattan. There’s less concern about family affiliations than among Chasidim and Litvish. It’s not that uncommon for MO families to have non-Jews, baalei teshuvah, off-the-derech, and openly gay people in the extended family, and not hide this or shun such individuals. Familiarity tends to make people more open-minded.
Finally, as a convert, I would add that when my kids got to be school age, people just assumed we were Jewish bc the kids attended a Jewish day school. Occasionally a parent would check before a play date that we keep kosher or tell me their family only consumed chalav Yisrael milk (my family does not observe that stringency). But that was because there were some children in attendance from non-Orthodox families, not because they thought I was not Jewish
(39) Anonymous, November 1, 2018 3:57 PM
difficulites with dealing with the life of a convert
Aliza has really addressed the feelings and experiences I have endured from my community. I had some even worse situations--where I was publicly shunned, humiliated and once during a shiur I was asked to read a Torah portion in my slow Hebrew reading, and when finished, told that the portion was proof that Jews may treat non-Jews ill by cheating and lying to them. I disagreed with this interpretation. I, also, said, that it would encourage anti-Semiticism to flourish, since non-Jews would see the unfairness and the dishonesty as reasons to hate Jewish people. I never attended another shiur by this person. I cannot understand why this person was later hired by the shul as she spews nastiness to so many.
I hate to say it, but the women have been the only ones who have viewed me as some sort of a threat. I am not quite sure why?
I wish there was a bit of a support system for frequently ostracized people, like converts, etc., so we could better equip ourselves and come up with positive solutions to problems as we start out our life in a new community.
May much good come from your article Aliza. My struggles are the same. It was very heart-warming to read in the comments there are so many other loving people out there. I wish to hug them back as well as Aliza.
Anonymous, November 1, 2018 8:21 PM
So sorry to hear that you were treated badly, there are all sort of people in every community, the Jewish people are not an exception in that sense.
Regarding marriage and the convert, as far as I know, this has been an issue also in the past, when it was not seen with good eyes the marriages between Ashkenazi and Sephardic Jews.
I think, the fact that Aish.com is posting this essay and our comments is a sign that they are concern with the issue and want to help. Thank you Aish
Anonymous, November 2, 2018 7:39 PM
Yes, I'm so sorry, too. That makes me so sad. I definitely see this issue in the ultra orthodox communities (hence the reason I moved away from one)- it's not just against converts, it's against anyone who is not exactly the same. That being said, you don't need any woman in your life who acts threatened by you and treats you differently, and I hope you find those open and loving people to surround yourself with. You deserve nothing less!
(38) Anonymous, November 1, 2018 3:40 PM
I feel the same way
I too feel that loneliness. I too converted only to find out afterwards that my mother was Jewish but never told anyone due to WWII (I have a European background). I never, ever, ever, anticipated how hard it was to be accepted. The Torah even says that after conversion your past no longer exists. It has been, at time, a very disappointing journey. To the degree that I have been openly hostile toward some Jewish people. I cannot believe that this not accepting is still so prevalent today. I know of a number of other people who feel exactly the same. Shame on those who are so set in their ways. I feel sadly about this whole issue.
Anonymous, November 2, 2018 7:42 PM
I am so sorry you go through this also. That is terrible. There are communities who are a lot more open but I think that people who convert orthodox often end up staying in the ultra orthodox communities and those are the ones unfortunately who don't accept anyone slightly different from themselves. So not okay, and it's them, not you. I would love to hear more about your mother's story, it sounds fascinating.
Anonymous, August 28, 2019 1:33 PM
I am sorry to hear that... I am in the process of converting to Orthodox Judaism. I live in Manchester. I was with my partner 12 years and we both wanted to convert but unfortunately he became alcoholic without any willingness to change... When I go to the Shul I just can't wait but when the service is finished, I always go back to home without company, completely lonely...
(37) Akiva, November 1, 2018 3:38 PM
i wish you hatzlacha in finding your zivuk Bekarov
with continued Tefillah,Emunah and Betachon your Zivuk will come bezemano
Hatzlacha Rabbah
(36) Suzy Ratner Lourie, November 1, 2018 3:29 PM
Sad sad sad
Dear Aliza Thank you for this very important eye opener. Should you ever come to Israel please contact me. 972-54-6830652
(35) zak, November 1, 2018 3:26 PM
A Jew is a Jew
A Jew is a Jew, and we say love your neighbor as yourself. The highest level of chesed. Welcome the exile who has return to serve. For so righteousness is the gentile who returns on their own volition to serve. For so the Torah says. Mankind who reflects its purpose for the world to come. That we say there are two beginnings that lead one’s journey of uniting the family of HaShem. For mercy is given to those who divide that one day they will have understanding as the Torah reads. It is a good thing to study for both man and woman. For neither man nor woman would exist without each other. For they call us Jews not knowing that we to are divided, that we read the same Torah and make discernment's of one another. Read your Torah and see how personal it becomes of you.
(34) Sharon, November 1, 2018 3:23 PM
Lonely convert
That story was so sad it almost made me cry. Wish I could hug you right across the internet. Can't do anything to help, I'm not a convert and I'm lonely too. But I will pray for you. Wish could send you to nice dinner with my son. You seem so darn sweet. :/
(33) Anonymous, November 1, 2018 3:12 PM
Try a traditional synagogue
There are other communites you may wish to try who are much more welcoming to all Jews. You would likely have to give up the mehitza and hear a woman’s voice, but as i understand the role of women in much of Orthodoxy you arent really oblgated to communal prayer in any case! I happen to prefer traditional egalitarian albeit i attend mo and c as well! Many who attend the shulsb i attend keep kosher, observe Shabbat, are fully committed to halachic living.
(32) Danny, November 1, 2018 3:09 PM
Not Right!
Aliza- I’m so sorry to hear of your difficulties. I wonder if it’s easier to find your Bashert in more “modern” circles... Meanwhile, if you’d like to make Aliyah, I have a frum, sweet army officer to set you with (my son)!!
(31) Anonymous, November 1, 2018 3:07 PM
let the dogs bark and the caravan will continue on its way
This is I have been told an Arab saying.. Be what you want to be, what makes you happy and not what other people would like you to be. I belong to a Temple (reformed ) where converts are welcome and where they are an integral part of the Community .
If a man is ready to reject you because of your beliefs he does not deserve to be a part of your life and the father of your children.Be yourself, be happy .
(30) Gittel, November 1, 2018 3:05 PM
I would be honored to have you as a daughter in-law
I would be honored to have you as a daughter in-law.
The Book of Ruth comes to my mind will I was reading your article.
We all must remember that we are one people and those that chose to become Jewish should be welcomed and cherished.
I wish you only the best.
May Hashem send people of kindness and good will on your life's journey.
You are a beautiful woman with a beautiful heart!
(29) Sonia, November 1, 2018 3:03 PM
The Convert Problems
I completely agree with the author! Converts are left in a void, be it by their families of origin or by the Jewish community as a whole. It is painful, specially when the convertion comes from a body that holds a Jewish soul.
Deborah, November 1, 2018 6:43 PM
Convert problems
this is true on many levels and for many reasons.
Elisheva, November 2, 2018 12:39 PM
very true
I shared the article with a Jew from birth and explained to her that I felt the same way. And a hundred reasons were offered that I was misinterpreting and not judging favorably. This from a really good person that I consider to be a mench. I think that is why Hashem repeated 36 times to love the convert....because it does not compute to many.
(28) Chuck Udell, November 1, 2018 3:02 PM
So Sorry for Your Lonileness and Not Being Embrased.
Aliza, I am so sorry the way you are being treated by the Orthodoix community - It is a shame that other Jews have not embrased you.
I am on the board of the Society of Reform Judaism and one our basic tenants is embracing and welcoming the convert no matter their background. Please go to www.renewreform.org for more information. I know that we are not Orthodox; however we welcome all converts.
May you find happiness and fellowship .
Ian, November 1, 2018 7:34 PM
Caution of generalisation
Chuck - a word of caution I would avoid generalising about an entire community. I have found the Orthodox community to be exceptionally welcoming and encouraging of me as a convert. Unfortunately I would argue that in all communities there are some who are always happy to cast the first stone!
Aliza - I am so sorry to hear of your plight I read it with much sadness. Keep the courage and try as many different communities and Shuls as you can and I am positive you will find a welcoming home and your soulmate. Remember you are as Jewish as anyone else and it is no ones business but yours, no one has a right to know you are a convert if you don’t wish them to know. Equally if you can be proud of the journey you have been on then do be - chances are you know more about this beautiful religion than many of those discriminating against you - after all they should not be casting judgement! If you’re ever in the UK there are many communities that would always gladly welcome you!
(27) Anonymous, November 1, 2018 2:58 PM
This is SO upsetting
The Talmud has the rather strange comment that "Converts are as 'difficult' for the Jewish People as a Leprous Plague (i.e., a "Sapachat")".. . in order to understand this comment, Tosapfhot (I believe) states that there are two reasons for this comment: the First that the Convert (who has CHOSEN to be Jewish) is often more careful about Mitzvot that the "FFB" may be lax in observing. This serves as an "accusation" against the Jewish People -- i.e., the CONVERT is careful about Mitzvot - why not you? The SECOND explanation for that comment is that [sadly] Jews end up VIOLATING the explicit Torah Directive to "love the Ger" and not afflict him or her in any way. Again, the Ger serves as an "accusation" against the Jewish People when they violate this directive. Sadly, we see that the Jewish Community (at least the one in NY City where the author lives) is in full blown violation of explicit Torah Order. I do not know what "comfort" I can give... except maybe move to a community such as ours where nobody will pay attention to your being a Convert....
Anonymous, November 5, 2018 6:24 PM
Excuse me?! How dare you accuse the entire NYC community of being in violation of "a explicit Torah order," as you say?! There are insensitive people everywhere, plus - what is "the entire NYC community" anyway? NYC is VERY large and comprises of many communities (and sub-communities). To so tar the entire NYC is serious lashon hara - and it seems that YOU are the one in violation of an explicit Torah order.
(26) Ellie, November 1, 2018 2:56 PM
Being protected
I think Hashem has His plan to exclude, narrow minded families who would hinder and hurt you. Be patient and define yourself as part of the covenant along with us all. You want to be with Torah observant people and that means those who make no distinction other than knowing Hashem loves you most and they are honoured to have you in their family.
Marcia, November 1, 2018 7:34 PM
I completely agree with Ellie.
As a woman who converted over 40 years ago, I am so sorry that this loneliness and lack of acceptance is still true! Although finding a spouse was not difficult for me, my heart ached as deeply for my children and for the children of my fellow gerim who were ostracized as if it were me. But I became stronger over time, and I saw, as Ellie, you do not want to be part of a family who will not embrace you.
I must credit the Chicago area Jewish community for being honest about this blot in the community, being willing to look at themselves, and working conscientiously within the community to share practical ways to welcome and include gerim with sensitivity.
(25) Marta, November 1, 2018 2:50 PM
Thank you for this article. Really. From all my heart, I just needed to read this, today, to feel little bit less alone in this path. Thanks.
(24) MESA, November 1, 2018 1:45 PM
I still remember when I was single and I would talk to people about what kind of man I wanted. I'm FFB and I wanted a man who is 100% Torah Observant, but I didn't care if he was a baal teshuvah or a ger. Ironically, there were people who wanted to set me up with men who were not fully observant- "it's just to date, what's the big deal"- but they were aghast at the thought of setting me up with a baal teshuvah or ger. Not good. It happened that my bashert turned out to be FFB, but he knows that I would have dated and married him even if he was a baal teshuvah or ger.
Aliza, be strong. You're a truly special person who deserves to marry a special man.
(23) Rosa Saldana, November 1, 2018 1:36 PM
Wow this is amazing and your rite. I often wonder how Abraham delt with the convert being one himself???
(22) Anonymous, November 1, 2018 11:00 AM
Kol Hakavod
Kol Hakavod to you.
It's one of our biggest failings as a people and a family. My parents hid my fathers Geirus for years (for better or worse) because of this.
We've built a strange culture of stringency around ourselves based on fear. Nothing done out of fear has lasting power.
May Hashem grant you the strength and patience to overcome this next hurdle and ultimately build a bayis neeman (lasting) b'Yisrael
Gary, November 1, 2018 3:36 PM
Fear and Observance
I was thinking about your comment and the idea came to me that it may be fear that drives us to observance, and observance that drives fear from us.
Does that sound right?
(21) Natan, November 1, 2018 10:22 AM
Get out of Brooklyn
I lived in suburban NJ for 16 years and knew several converts (all wonderful, sincere, etc.) that married.
Better yet, move to Israel - it's a much more dynamic environment with Jews from all over the world...
(20) Michael, November 1, 2018 4:59 AM
Gairim/converts are Held In The Highest Esteem In The Torah!!
Aliza Must Proudly Hold Her Head Up!! Some Of The Greatest Figures In The Torah Were Gairim/Converts!! e.g. YISRO - A Black Man Who Designed Our Entire Legal System!! Abraham Came From An Idol Worshiping Background - Therefore Our First Forefather Was A Convert - Also His Wife Sarai!! All Yisro's Descendants Became Members Of The Sanhedrin!! Community Members Who Shun Gairim Are IGNORANT!!
Aliza Must Buy A CHUMASH And Study TORAH Every Day!!
I Guarantee Here Life Will Change!! CHAZAK UBARUCH!!
(19) Chaya-Rachel Levine, November 1, 2018 3:42 AM
Strengthing in my Kesher with HaShem in my 'Aloneness'
Aliza, and to all who read these comments, I cannot imagine being at the beginning of my journey as you are now with yours. I am a Ger, I did marry and have children and even grandchildren BH. but a divorce 2 years ago taught me the distinction between loneliness and Aloneness. Do not give up the journey to race to the finish line, you may miss something beautiful along the way. I was so intent on my end game, I forgot to enjoy the trip.
(18) sonia, October 31, 2018 11:30 PM
Be patient, everything will turn out fine
In Argentina we have a saying about a persona who has "the faith of the converts" meaning he has double size faith. since you started grown up, you dont take anything for granted, you see everything as important, and all is new. Such a way of seeing brings forward a reward. Sadly some communities are too interknitted and see anyone from outside-as an outsider. Have faith, look elsewhere, success is on the way. There is a documentary on several stories of converts here, hope you find a subtitled version https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HriErh2tPZc I wish you all the best.
(17) Dan Bornstein, October 30, 2018 9:28 PM
KOL HA KAVOD!
You are courageus a honest person.
(16) Anonymous, October 30, 2018 5:49 PM
Each Jewish Soul Is Precious
Tradition also holds that we need to be aware that Each Jewish soul is precious-- there is no distinction as to degrees of Jewisness in our souls. I think many of us forget to consider the depth of this concept in everyday dealings. We are precious to Each Other, and to G-d. If I recall correctly, the convert is held in Hashem's highest esteem... and I think that is in order to make it clear that our charge as Jews is to not make anything of one's conversion. Why is that so? It underscores to the larger community that there is to be no difference among the Jewish people. We are one. If we hold the thought that one person is a convert then it is as though we are "reminding" even without speaking. I am sorry for your hurt. We all have to work every day at being better people; being better in our Jewishness.
(15) Anonymous, October 30, 2018 12:00 PM
Difficulty in coming back to Judaism
Aliza, I feel for you. My problem is different. I will try to make my comment brief, 'though it spans a decade. I was born of Jewish; parents; grandparents, husband all Jewish. No children due to husband's medical condition. Due to personal reasons, through a non-Jewish friend, I became interested in Christianity. An escape at first from my personal problem. But at the same time; I decided to be a better Jew as my family was not that religious. My husband and I lost our jobs and had to move to low-income housing. We couldn't afford to join a synagogue but some temples would have allowed us to pay what we could. However, we were not treated the same as the other Jews. One rabbi when finding out where we lived shook his head and said he didn't know anyone who lived where we lived. No matter what - I felt inferior to other Jews. Any family we have doesn't have much to do with us even before I converted.. After 8 yrs. of struggling to stay Jewish I got baptized. Felt welcome and still do. BUT - after a few months, every time I met a Jewish professional(doctors) or there was anything Jewish, I cried. I tried to come back. Ok, some rabbis say I am still Jewish; others not. In any case, go to mikvah. Ok, but when I was about to, I developed a medical problem and don't know whether I will ever be able to go to mikvah. I am torn. I have talked to so many rabbis. I am a Jew but I am Christian. Why did G-d put me in this position? And why are poor American Jews looked down upon (at least what I have experienced).
Dovid R, November 1, 2018 11:33 AM
You are still Jewish
I'm so sorry for the difficult times you went through. But please know, you are still 100% Jewish even without the mikvah. That is only a formality to concretize your return. But you are 100% Jewish without it. You should think of yourself as such and others should as well.
May God give you the strength to overcome your difficulties and to only grow from all your experiences.
Anonymous, November 1, 2018 10:34 PM
keep strong
Some Jews leave Judaism to join Christianity, you had your reasons, do not despair.. also many of them come back to their faith, even stronger that when they left. There is an organization that is doing an amazing job- Jews for Judaism , -please browse their web site at https://jewsforjudaism.ca/
Contact them, the very founder did what you did, and now he dedicates his life to help other Jews in the same situation.
He is a kind person, I have the honor to know him personally,his name is Julius, don hesitate, you are not alone. Many Blessings
Pat Grossman, April 8, 2019 5:38 AM
Why do Jews convert to Christianity?
Because Christians are nicer and more welcoming and never remind you of the time you weren't a Christian, that's why. There is a huge lesson to be learned there, and we Jews need to learn it, quickly. Haven't we lost enough Jews?
(14) Klaudya, October 30, 2018 3:16 AM
thank you for sharing
I can appreciate your pain. Try to get involved in the shul events, volunteer in our community in something close to your heart, use your profession,skills, hobbies. Invite people over for Shabbat.
Give the community the chance to know you, give them time, don't despair, you are young, don't give up, maybe at the beginning one person will show up to your Shabbat celebration, little by little, you will have the space you deserve in the community. Also, maybe try https://www.shabbat.com/.is a social network that connects. All the best !
anonymous, October 30, 2018 5:43 PM
For Klaudya
Wanted to tell you how much I enjoy reading your posts; you are a kind, sensitive person. Thank you for posting.
(13) Anonymous, October 29, 2018 10:15 PM
I can relate to you...
The loneliness a convert feels is extraordinary, especially the separation from your own family. Some family members will say they accept you but deep down they really don’t. It comes down to them not being to spend holidays with you. They don’t understand why you can’t join them or why you have to be difficult in dietary laws. Everything is a problem. I too am a convert. It has been 20 years since I’ve converted. I don’t regret my choices. Baruch HaShem I am married to a loving husband with five children. My husband’s family in the states and abroad all welcomed me as if I were family. I truly have a very large family that love me for me and nothing else. Bezrat Hashem you will find your other half and have the happiness you’re dreaming of. All the best!
(12) Leon, October 29, 2018 4:18 PM
Not all conversions are for the right reason
I admire converts to Judaism, especially those who went through Orthodox conversion. But conversions for the wrong reasons do happen, mostly to marry a Jewish boyfriend or girlfriend. And later, if/when the married couple decides to divorce, the converted spouse can as easily convert to another religion or declare him/herself atheist, or agnostic, or "non-religious". And this leaves children of such couple in a limbo.
Anonymous, November 2, 2018 5:11 AM
And your point is?
A born Jew can also convert to another religion, intermarry, go off the derech, etc. Aliza converted as a single woman, so continuing a relationship with a Jewish boyfriend is obviously not the issue here.
We will soon be reading about Rivka (whose kindness revealed her to be a worthy mate for Yitzchak.) And despite his heritage, one of their sons was Esav, while the other gave his name, Yisrael, to our people and our faith. There are no guarantees. Judge Aliza as Aliza, not based on your list of potential future problems.
(11) Anonymous, October 29, 2018 1:47 PM
What i would like to see is the end to discrimination between different sects of jews!! Ultra and ordinary orthodox do not acknowlege the other forms of judaïsm such as reform/progressive as being jews/jewish!! Unforgivable!! If you cut us do we not bleed? Hurt us do we not cry? Shoot us do we not die? The 6 million of us who were murdered in the shoah were not aĺl practicing orthodox jews- did hitler's henchmen ask them for their credentials!! Ńo! Even those monsters did not discriminate between types of jews! But we do!!! What is wrong with our own people that we do discriminate in the ways that we do?!!
Dvirah, October 30, 2018 3:30 PM
Issue of Mitzvot
It is not the individuals but the institutions that are not accepted as "Jewish", for the obvious reason that these sects (for want of a better word) advocate eliminating large parts of Torah observance. How can you claim to be Judaism if you deny the Torah? What is written is written; no sophetries will change this.
Anonymous, November 2, 2018 5:15 AM
The Sephardim handle it differently
I agree that observance of mitzvot is of prime importance. However, I love the fact that all Sephardic shuls are Orthodox but not all Sephardim are equally observant.
(10) Shoshanna, October 29, 2018 1:42 PM
Hope
I can relate to what you're saying and could have written the article. It sounds to me that you're attempting to stay in an Ultra Orthodox community. There are other communities: Modern Orthodox, Conservative, Reconstructionist, and reform You are 100% Jewish. You have a star of David above your head like the rest of us. You don't have to identify yourself as a convert. You are not telling a lie. You are protecting your privacy. Just live. As I understand it, the only person that you can not marry is a Kohen. Even there, there is a loophole. HaShem and you walk hand in hand and pretty soon you'll be holding hands with more friends. If you'd ever like a Shabbat buddy, let me know. Shoshi
(9) Anonymous, October 29, 2018 9:19 AM
This is the reason why people filled that Jews themselves are racist. If we have to go by Hashem instruction, you do not make convert regrets going through this process. It is a personal issue between them & Hashem. What makes the born Jews better than converts. History is full with converts who made giant strides in the faith. Am sorry to say this, it is the reason why islam is gaining huge converts. Born Jews needs to understand this and make converts fill loved after been ostracized by their families
(8) Sarah Birk, October 29, 2018 3:12 AM
but you ARE different
I hear this sentiment a lot and I have yet to understand it. a) how did you not hear about this before you converted? Or were you perhaps so enamored with the idea that you didn't believe what you heard? Everyone knows this is an issue, I have yet to hear anyone fail to acknowledge it. b) You ARE different. You chose to change your life entirely for something completely unnecessary. Judaism does not encourage conversion. There is no mitzvah to convert and no obligation for the Jewish court to accept any converts. Once a person converts, then we are obligated to welcome and accept them. But just as you would surely struggle to understand why someone raised with Judaism would chose to leave, many of us struggle to understand why you would join. c) as an addendum to my previous point, many (most) people do not become observant or convert to Judaism for religious reasons. For many people it is the idea of a community, a need for a significant change, extreme dissatisfaction with their prior life, relationship issues and all kinds of other things that push them to it. But none of that disappears when you convert or become religious. Those things come with you and the same way they may have interfered in your relationships in your prior life, they will inevitably rear their heads in this new life. None of this is personal, but just sharing the way many of us in the orthodox communities view and relate to converts. Wishing you much success.
Channa, October 29, 2018 5:42 AM
Easy to forget
Sarah,
In point c you mentioned that you don't think that many people convert for religious reasons. Some of my dearest and most inspiring friends are converts, and thier reasons for convertion were religious in nature. It can be easy to take for granted the purity and sweetness of the Torah as well as the brilliance of the Talmud. This is a unique gift given to the Jewish people. Perhaps it shouldn't be such a surprise that people with a holy spark deep in thier souls would want to draw near and participate in that ancient dance we call Jewish life.
Anonymous, October 29, 2018 9:27 AM
You are not in position to judge any converts. It is not for you to determine if is geniue or not. You are not Hashem to Judge anyone for that matter. The instruction in the Torah is not to treat them differently. Why not perform the Miztvah as stated in the Torah and show love instead of looking for reason not to obey Hashem commandment.
Shoshanna USA, October 29, 2018 2:10 PM
The reasons
Speaking as a former Rabbi's Secretary, I can answer some of your quarries. I spoke to The Rabbi about some of the very issues facing people facing people who were converting. The short version is that he didn't feel that it was his job to get into those types of issues. His job was to teach conversion classes, become a sponsoring rabbi, gather a beiit din, and sign off on the paper work. That's it and go live your life.. When I suggested that the conversion course was incomplete and did not deal with real life issues- I was shut down. Ta-da Here we are. By the way, are you familiar with the Hasidic concept of gathering the sparks or remnants of Israel? I believe that there is a Jewish spark that no one in her family told her about or they themselves did not know about. Jewish children were given to non Jewish families, so they may live. She is a spark returned home.
Klaudya, October 30, 2018 2:05 AM
the neshama choses to come back
She chose to change her life for something that was necessary for her soul, it is our neshama the one that wants to return. There is a book written by Rabbi Maurice Lamm, Becoming a Jew, that may help you Sarah,to understand some of the reasons why people want to convert.
Anonymous, November 1, 2018 6:11 PM
??
That is a very uncharitable response to a suffering person.
You are part of the problem. Try to be a little more broadminded and kind. Compassion really does go a long way, and is the Hallmark of a real Jew..
Hadassah, November 1, 2018 6:45 PM
I converted for religious reasons
I converted for no other reason than for religious reasons. I liked who I was, I loved my previous community, the culture and cuisine. I have answered the points you raised below:
a)how did you not hear about this before you converted? (Because she wasn’t involved with anyone or dating anyone, so she never encountered it before or even investigated into the matter). There is a much wider selection of mates in secular just due to the sheer numbers. People don’t need to convert to try to seduce your young.
b) But just as you would surely struggle to understand why someone raised with Judaism would chose to leave, many of us struggle to understand why you would join. (If one can’t see the beauty of Judaism and why someone would be willing to give everything up for it, then, perhaps they should question their own sincerity or love of Judaism instead of questioning Aliza’s)
c) as an addendum to my previous point, many (most) people do not become observant or convert to Judaism for religious reasons. (Wrong, wrong, and wrong). For many people it is the idea of a community, a need for a significant change, extreme dissatisfaction with their prior life, relationship issues and all kinds of other things that push them to it. (I certainly hope you’re not implying that only people with mental health issues would be willing to convert).
d) just sharing the way many of us in the orthodox community’s view and relate to converts. (I wonder how these people can daven the shemonei esrei every day with a straight face, knowing full well they are lying to HaShem’s face).
Anonymous, November 1, 2018 9:45 PM
for all
I have a dear friend , she is a senior, we sat next to each other in Shul every Shabbat,, that is how we become friends.When I told her that my family in the past were Jews from Spain and I was going to the process of conversion because I was raised catholic, she shared w/me that she had converted many years ago. I have never ask her the reason.
she married a Jew, they have 3 children,one of them is a prominent Rabbi that lives in Jerusalem where he raised his family and is already a grandfather himself, her daughter is a devoted Jew and she enjoyed seeing her grandchildren in Shul.
she is the kindest person I have ever met and praying next to her every Shabbat is an honor and has been an inspiration for me.
When you feel alone as a convert, pray to Hashem,born Jews also feel alone sometimes,at the end we learn from every person that crossed our path a lesson, make sure they also learn a lesson from you, let your soul spark shine through.
Anonymous, November 2, 2018 12:52 PM
Shame on you
What an insensitive response to someone who is hurting. I converted because my neshama would not give up in spite of so many hurdles placed to make turn around and run away. After my conversion, I discovered that my parents and ancestors were of the Jewish faith and had fled from persecution. You are exactly the reason Hashem repeats 36 times in Torah to love the convert. You don't know what you don't know.
Anonymous, November 2, 2018 8:54 PM
???
Please explain why you think this should be your response. A. you are not G-d, and there is no reason you should be judging other people's intentions B. this is the same thing as someone saying to you "so I'm just confused why you decided to move from that state to this state. Is it because of the lower property taxes? Or because there are better schools? I just don't really feel comfortable around you because you're from a different state, so therefore I'm going to be standoffish and treat you like you're different. I mean, what is your justification in moving to "our" state?
That's what you sound like! You need to work on your own Judaism before judging others' choice to join Judaism. We should be kind to every person, convert or not, and we do not have the right to question inwardly or outwardly their intentions or relationship with G-d.
(7) Joshua, October 29, 2018 12:39 AM
Bitachon
Dear Aliza Elisheva,
I am also a frum ger, and have had to deal with some similar experiences.
However - I want you to listen carefully - you must have bitachon, trust in God. I married an FFB woman who had been dating since she was 18. She never had a 4th date with anyone. She saw her three younger siblings married and with children before her.
Yet she never despaired. She simply knew there was a reason.
We married at her age 32, my age 36. It took only 5 weeks and 8 dates. She simply had to wait for me to become Jewish, and I had to acquire a certain amount of knowledge before I would deserve a shidduch with her. We'll have been married 14 years this November, and have four children. Her parents and my brothers and sisters in law - super yeshivish family - give me nothing but 100% respect and love.
You are young, and I hope you are healthy, and you're obviously intelligent and sincere and you've made a commitment to serve H" completely. Now consider that he wants your happiness in the present - but a shidduch takes two. Perhaps your bashert isn't ready to meet you just yet.
Meanwhile, you're not obligated to tell anyone that you're a ger. Your dates are not entitled to know before the third date when you absolutely should disclose (although a good shadchan will know whether it's a deal breaker before suggesting the shidduch). You don't have to hide it in your daily existence (too stressful), but it's not necessary to advertise the fact either. There will always be ignorant people who treat you differently - not always badly but nevertheless differently. Your job it is to keep on learning to serve H" and let him work on your shidduch for you.
(6) Anonymous, October 28, 2018 8:06 PM
The need for more acceptance
I read your article with feelings of anger and sadness. I feel BECAUSE you choose to be a jew with all it's complications and difficulties it involves you should be held in high regard. When my children are old enough I will G-d willing, happily, let them date converts. May Hashem grant you only open revealed good and the right person to build a Torah based home.
(5) Dvorah, October 28, 2018 6:28 PM
Abraham, Sarah and Ruth were converts
Many highly revered people in the bible are converts including Abraham, Sarah, Ruth, thank you for such a poignant article and hope that others see the other side of things, I wish you Mazel, respect and acceptance from all Jewish communities, we are supposed to elevate the convert and also, like you say, not remind a convert that they are a convert because in Hashem's eyes, we are all Jews!
(4) Shmuel Goldstein, October 28, 2018 5:04 PM
Lonely, but not Alone
I feel your pain Aliza and felt a need to comment so that you know that what you're going through, although uniquely yours, is not one that many of us go through - especially Ba'alei T'shuvas. As a Baal T'shuva, we too are often cast aside by our families, since we have disregarded the values and culture we grew up with.
I'm glad you wrote this article and hope that those living in Crown Heights and other "frum" communities be aware of the sensitivity needed to connect with those "outside the circle". May you yet find your soul-mate so that you can grow a rich and enduring family for generations to come.
(3) Hadassa, October 28, 2018 3:30 PM
Hear, hear!!!
I completely agree with you. After only 3 suggestions for dating (& only 1 date each with only 2 of those men), I realized that, as a convert, the shadchanim were only "matching" me with other converts, divorced men & mama's boys who still lived at home in their 40s! I ended up meeting my (BT) husband without anyone else's help. However, without family in the community or even any family support from either side, we have definitely had a more difficult time than many other couples - from the dating & wedding phase through infertility & raising an only child to the "seperation" & divorce stage. I never felt like I belonged in my family/community/religion growing up & always felt like this was exactly where I was meant to be since "all roads lead to Rome" regardless of the many detours I tried to make. So, whenever I'm asked if I ever regret converting, I often think my greatest regret is & always has been in thinking that I would finally feel accepted & embraced fully as a true/full member of "the Tribe."
(2) Connie, October 28, 2018 1:22 PM
Your journey
Keep in mind. Long before u choose this path- it chose you.
Anonymous, November 2, 2018 12:54 PM
beautiful
beautiful response.
(1) Anonymous, October 28, 2018 8:21 AM
We Have a Problem Uniting
Thank you for your article; I am sorry you have felt neglected or less than.
I am reminded that our community remains deeply divided; many are not feeling welcome or included.
My Prayer is that Jew will embrace Jew, regardless of denomination, regardless of political party, regardless of stance on the Israel - Palestinian conflict, regardless of having converted to our faith.
Today, our People lost 11 in a deadly killing in Pittsburg, let us remember we are One, and enough with the negative rhetoric, hostility, and lack of open arms towards one another.
We are One, the Jewish people who received Torah at Sinai.
anonymous, October 30, 2018 5:32 PM
Deleted comment
This comment has been deleted.
Shoshanna USA, October 30, 2018 8:46 PM
Soul
Thank you for sharing. Your soul is evidently more advanced than mine. Amen.