Sometimes we have the attitude of, "I don't need anybody else. I can do it alone!"
Ahuv literally means "being beloved." Because whether with family relationships, business partners or friends, the human need to be loved is deep and natural. We need it like oxygen.
Of course, that love has to be earned. King Solomon said: "As water reflects a face, so does a person's heart." In other words, if you project coldness, you will attract coldness; if you give out warmth, you will attract warmth.
When people love you, they want to help you become wise and wealthy. They'll invite you to social functions, and patronize your business. They'll give you good advice – and eagerly accept yours. You will succeed in all areas of life.
What Do You Love About Others?
Let's start with a definition of love: "Taking pleasure in another's virtues." Hence the expression "to know him is to love him."
Make a list of the people you love. Study it and ask yourself: What about them do I take pleasure in? After you see the virtues, you have the basis for a true love relationship.
In return, to be loved by others, you must become virtuous in their eyes. Do for them what you'd want them to do for you. This will identify you as a source of pleasure – and everyone loves those who bring them pleasure!
A general rule is to be happy and upbeat. It's a drain to be around people who mope and complain about every little thing. Be full of joy and vitality – and you'll be well-loved!
Communicating Love
All parents love their children. So why is it that many children feel rejected? Because "feeling" love toward others is only a part of it. We also have to "communicate" that love. Many children only hear their parents' anger and criticisms – and therefore get the wrong message.
To communicate love, you have to show you understand, appreciate and take pleasure in the other person's essence. Stop and analyze the good they do, and stop focusing on their flaws. We often show more courtesy and attention to strangers!
Push yourself to show people that you appreciate them. Practice saying: "I like what you said." "I'm glad you came." "You did that perfectly."
But don't confuse compliments with flattery (i.e. insincere praise). Judaism forbids flattery because it is misleading and manipulative. Be sure you express honest appreciation, not just to get on the person's good side.
Giving is the Key
The most effective way to be loved is to give to others. When you give physical, material, emotional, spiritual pleasure – with no strings attached – they will love you.
In practice, how does someone become a "giver"? The answer is simple: Start giving.
Some people say "I can only give to someone I love." This is incorrect. The Hebrew word for "give," hav, is the same root as ahava, meaning "love." The Jewish idea is that giving is what leads to love. When I give to you, I have invested a part of myself. You then become more precious to me and I love you.
This is why parents love their children most of all. It is their greatest investment.
Resolve in your mind, and your heart, that helping others will be part of your life's philosophy.
A few suggestions: Visit patients at the local hospital. Invite friends to a Shabbat dinner. Volunteer to serve meals at a homeless shelter. Or do the dishes at home even when it's not your turn. Emulate God and be a giver. Do it with zeal. And inspire those around you to do the same.
Your Pleasure Is Their Pleasure
Giving others pleasure provides us with a tremendous source of pleasure. Giving pleasure gives our life purpose and meaning, because we see the positive impact we can make.
So why don't we do it all the time?
Because we're too busy seeking our own pleasure, wrapped up in our narcissistic envelope.
Get out of your own small universe. Reach out. A simple "hello" lifts a person's spirits, and shows that you care. Simple things can make a huge difference!
Particularly in a marriage, giving is the foundation of the relationship. When two people are focused on giving to one another, the relationship flows in two directions – connecting, linking and forging the bond. But when both are focused on taking, then the dynamic is pulling in opposite directions – creating strain and tension.
Unfortunately today, many people get married with the intention of taking more pleasure from life, not giving it. How long can a marriage survive like that?
Love and Admiration
Distinguish between "love" and "admiration." Being admired means to be respected for your accomplishments. But being loved means being appreciated for the essence of who you are – blemishes included!
Although achievements may gain you admiration, it's not going to gain you love. Anyone who seeks the admiration of others usually loses it. But being loved by others lasts a lifetime.
Fear of Intimacy
A prerequisite to being loved is the inner decision to allow yourself to be loved.
Why do people veer away from intimacy?
- A person may be afraid of getting hurt. (Once you lower your defenses, you are open to being hurt.)
- A person may be afraid of getting to know himself better. (If people get too close to us, they force issues to surface.)
- A person may simply want to be left alone.
If you sense any of these issues, make it a priority to work them out. Until you do, you're pushing away the love of others.
The Greatest Gift of All
The greatest gift you can give to someone is wisdom. A pair of socks is worn for a year, but the right insight can change someone's life forever.
From now on, whenever you learn a piece of wisdom, think how you can apply it to give someone else pleasure.
Don't forget to "gift wrap" the wisdom – i.e. focus on the person to whom you are speaking and make it relevant to him. Don't bore people, aggravate them, or mutter the words straight and cold. Even if you're repeating an idea that's "old," convey it with the same freshness as the day you first heard it.
At the very least, don't give other people pain. Don't criticize and say: "It's for your own good." Treat human beings as if they're real. Think of who they are and what they need. Be friendly. Help them out. Share their problems.
The flip side of this is if you really want more wisdom for yourself, then be a good student. Pay attention and grow. This gives your teacher pleasure, and he/she will want to teach you more.
Why is "Being Loved" a Way to Wisdom?
- Giving others pleasure is your pleasure.
- Seeing the virtues in others is one of the greatest virtues you can exhibit. If you love others this way, they will love you in return.
- The first place to start showing appreciation is with your own family.
- Love brings unity. And unity is power.
(25) Rafael, November 18, 2014 4:16 PM
a deep understanding of other cultures and customs is a fast lane to people's love and respect
If a Gentile were to speak Hebrew you would automatically let your guard down and let them into your world. Privileges would be granted to them in a short time.
You must jump into other people's worlds and connect as Humans. If you insist on wearing the uniform of your beliefs , you will never be invited in , you will know how they think , they will never see you as someone to confide in.
Like the song " I love you just the way you are " it shows you do not wish to change a person . Because you pose no threat thay in turn will welcome your company.
On the other hand if you show a sence of separation or annexation, the exclusion is deemed as an intolerance of others outside of their denomination. You will not get the love you think you deserve.
(24) Pauline, November 13, 2014 6:44 PM
Beautiful. Absolutely spot on!
(23) Anonymous, October 2, 2014 12:55 PM
Excellent!
This is excellent! Thank you so much for posting this!
(22) Alexandra, April 26, 2012 9:58 PM
If only this were true.
I have spent my life giving and trying to make others happy. Now i feel empty and used. Like I was buying their love to get affection - I try not to think about it because of I analyse my life carefully the facts seem clear that all those who have played a part in my life have not really cared for me - they just wanted me to support them financially put a roof of their heads, offer them structure to their lives and a vision for the future. That was what I offered optimistically for years giving generously rating friendship and love as the highest values. Looking back I see they saw it as an opportunity to profit from me. I feel so sad.
Yaakov, May 8, 2012 9:48 PM
Keep going on
It might be that you gave to people who didn't deserve it. Start with your close family. A mishnah in Avos says "get yourself a rabbi, get a friend and judge everyone with the benefit of the doubt". What does it mean? Chose carefully someone to teach you and someone you can trust as a friend, whom you don't need to give the benefit of the doubt!
telheiba, July 12, 2012 3:42 AM
love
hi.... don expect anything in return for all those u give.... a true love is jus giving no matter what people return us.... its the sheer act that sud give us confidence, joy, and ofcourse a pride that we give expecting nothing in return. Well it gives me strength... or may be we not giving enough!!!
folashade toluyemi, December 25, 2012 9:52 AM
Bad Enough
I realy feel for u.When we give from our geniune labour prayerfully,the people we give to may definately not be the people that will pay us but other people who may not know us that God will send to us.Looking back is definately not it.May God give us more understading.
susan, November 14, 2014 1:21 PM
love
If your giving to get love its not love...its lust for power over those who are misfortunate to need you!if are love...you dont expect anything in return. If you can say it matters or you keep track if your giving, and want a return as f yoyr giving s an investment, then its not out of love your giving....its giving to gain something....its not love...if you can measure it, its lust of power, not from love! Love you can't measure! Without love there is no joy in giving! Love comes from the heart and if your/expecting a return, it wont happen! His I see t, you can't out give G*d. The closest to giving with the love of G*d is laying down self or dying for another!
Anonymous, November 15, 2014 5:02 PM
You are special
Acts of kindness and generosity are a blessing...you are a very special person and you are special and will be blessed in life.
(21) NAOM OMBATI, September 15, 2011 6:37 AM
showing my appreciation to the concerned.
i love the teachings because they are so inspiring.i will appreciate as i get to learn so much from you.
(20) Ron, January 8, 2011 1:39 PM
I am a 58 year old Man. All of my Life I have been a realist. I have so much hate in my heart. I pray to God everyday to be a better Man, a better Husband, and a better Father. I know God is with me, but I suppose the hate in my heart keeps him at bay. I want so much to be Loved! Reading this seems to help, but as the Bible teaches, The Lord helps those, who help themselvs. I will try to make it a point to read this each and everyday. Hopefully it will instill the love in my heart and push all of the hate out. To the person who wrote this article, I Thank You from the bottom of my Heart! God Bless You!
Chris, August 5, 2011 5:17 PM
You clearly under estimate your capacity to be loving!
Ron, I dont think you are either as hate filled, nor as hated by society as you seem to beleive! :) You say you are a father, which means you clearly projected enough love to be loved by a woman! 'To attract chicks', IOW, is something a lot of us struggle to do, and you accomplished it! LOL At least you are honest with yourself; should take you a long way to overcoming your flaws! Good Luck! :)
(19) Ashley, January 2, 2011 10:51 AM
Hmmm we learn something everyday, it sounds true, that we are too wrapped up in our own universe nowadays and too busy to give others pleasure. There is the market report to read, the money to make, yet another degree to get...Seems my new year's resolution should be investing more time on knowing people and giving them pleasure...
(18) Lyda, October 12, 2010 5:18 PM
Very useful article
I find the ideas brilliant!! Thanks for sharing them.
(17) mu_xan, October 12, 2010 10:22 AM
wheew .. now i kn0w
(16) Victor, August 8, 2010 2:15 PM
Lovely article to inspire love.
I am a 15 year-old in the midst of one of his recurring insecurities. People need to be reminded, and this pithy but witty article chased away my doubts so I can function properly once again. Thank you OP!
Anonymous, August 5, 2011 5:20 PM
Lol
"Pithy but witty"? Wow, I dont think you need to worry about being accepted by people with such an amazing vocabulary at 15 lol! People admire people who have a special talent-like linguistic prowess, as you clearly do! :)
(15) Dempson, July 31, 2010 5:40 AM
Thanks,d reading has impart a lot of facts to me.kip it up.
(14) Crystal, September 2, 2008 7:38 PM
Thank for the reading it really helps me to know how to really love and brings confirmation to new insight.
(13) Linda llewellyn, September 2, 2008 6:14 PM
LOVE
The hardest one is to love your enemies and those who use you. Thanks for your article. It has convicted me to be more of a giver especially when I don't feel like it.
(12) Anonymous, July 14, 2008 10:31 PM
Thank you for these words of wisdom. I am going to try and take all you said on board.
(11) Dvirah, May 2, 2007 12:36 PM
Do for them what you'd want them to do for you.
This believe it or not can lead to conflict. In giving, I have found, it is better to find out what the person really wants and give that: it might not at all be what I would want in similar circumstances. Also, don't expect to get the same treatment back; my experience is that mostly you won't.
(10) Anonymous, August 2, 2006 12:00 AM
Much appreciated
After surviving this last year with many trials and hardships I am probably that person that finds myself saying that I can do it alone. I find it easy to give to others, but hard to accept from others because of the hurt. I suppose wisdom is hard to learn at times. Thanks for your words.
(9) Linda, October 19, 2004 12:00 AM
Everyone has a chioce
Everyone knows someone in their lives that has shown them favor, and they know someone too, who is like a prickly pear, they don't want to be around them, because of their bitterness, or froward mouth, or complaining.
Everyone has the choice to be one or the other, a prickly pear, or one who finds a way to bless another, by deeds or words.
As for me, I want to be the Blesser, God gives me abundantly, spiritually, and materially, so let me be the one to give where I can, thanks so much for your treasure of wisdom....Linda
(8) craig, May 31, 2004 12:00 AM
That was a lot of wisdom.... excellent...
Mozeltov... blessings on you...
great message...
like going to temple...
straight from the rabbi..
thank you...
(7) sarah devorah, May 6, 2004 12:00 AM
thank you
Thank you for today, thank you for yesterday. I'm trying to remember to do a few critical things each day and being more joyful and loving is one. Praying is another. Your wonderful way of teaching and imparting critical information is so helpful and inspiring. If I remember to do my daily meditation, I always know I can be inspired by reading something you have written. Thank you for being so generous.
sarah
(6) DODI, October 23, 2003 12:00 AM
REACHING MATURITY
THANK YOU RABBI FOR HELPING OTHERS TO SEE THEIR FULL POTENTIAL AND FINDING INTEGRITY. YOU TRULY ARE A BLESSING.
(5) yes, September 18, 2003 12:00 AM
Dear Rabbi,
Thank you for your articles. it thas been a blessing to me and all surround us. Toda raba
(4) Anonymous, July 19, 2001 12:00 AM
From reading your articles on joy and on love, i was totally inspired. I was inspired to do good to people, i was inspired to help others, and i was inspired to make the community better!
I decided that i wasn't going to let this be a thought, so i ended up going to the jewish old age home and visitng the elderly and the sick. It brought me a feeling of joy and a closeness to G-d i had never felt before. Thankyou so much.
(3) Molly Johnson, July 1, 2001 12:00 AM
Its been great learning the 48 ways.
48 ways have better my life because it's taught me to speak and open new worlds which I thought really never existed before. Thank you Aish for the
48 ways.
molly
(2) Anonymous, August 12, 2000 12:00 AM
i read your article with much interest, and i personally experienced how much being a friendlier person can help you be a better person. i made a vow to myself, that during my freshman year in high school, i would be friendly to everyone, and try to smile, even on those mornings when id have rather been in bed. almost a year later, i look back and am very thankful i decided to be a friendlier person. i have made great friends in that way, and its easier for me to be happy even when im tired or pressured. i feel more loved, because it easier to see the good in people when you resolve to be friendly to them.
Tzippora
(1) , February 6, 2000 12:00 AM
I am going to apply this gem of wisdom to my life from this day forth.
Thank you for writing this article.I accidentally came by your site and the title 48 Ways to Wisdom caught my attention. I bookmarked it as one of my favoites. Every day of the week I include one of the gems of wisdom in my daily readings after my Torah readings and prayers. Thanks again.