Did you ever get on a train going somewhere, only to find that you're headed in the wrong direction?
The same thing happens in life. We set goals and make plans – and sometimes discover that we're on "the wrong train."
Bi-vinat ha-lave literally means "understanding the heart." The heart is the seat of emotions. We say: "My heart is heavy, my heart is lifted, my heart is broken," etc. To understand your heart is to understand your true inner self.
Many people go through life making assumptions about who they are. They never take time to "meet" themselves. Don't be afraid of discovering that the "real you" may be different than the "current you."
Often a crisis hits at midlife when people ask: "What's my life about? Is this all worth it?" We've heard stories of people who suddenly change direction, quitting their job and getting divorced. You know, like the successful doctor who decides he never wanted to go into medicine in the first place – so he drops it and becomes an artist.
Knowing yourself is the essence of being alive. If you don't know yourself, you are not living. If you don't know what makes you tick, you're a robot, a puppet, a zombie.
So don't wait for a crisis. Life is too short to take wrong trains.
Getting Started
Think of someone you'd be fascinated to meet, someone you'd really like to find out what makes him tick.
Now realize the most fascinating person you could ever meet is... yourself.
Sit down, say hello, and introduce yourself to yourself. Become familiar with yourself as if you'd just met a long-lost cousin. Interview yourself. Ask questions about your life and the direction you're going. Search out your dreams – both the ones you're fulfilling and the ones you've pushed to the back of your mind.
Get down to basics. You want to be rich. You want to be famous. You want to be good. You want to accomplish. You want meaning. You want to be creative. But why do you want all this? What's driving you? What you really want out of life?
The process of self-discovery involves asking a series of questions, always probing deeper until the underlying truth emerges. Ask yourself 10 questions that you would ask an intimate friend. Then wait for answers. Don't worry, no one is going to poke fun at you.
- What is the purpose of life?
- What is my goal in life?
- Why did I choose this career?
- How do I spend my spare time?
- What is my motivation for doing what I do?
- What really makes me happy?
- Am I as happy as I want to be?
- Is it more important to be rich or to be happy?
- What are my future plans? Why?
- What are my secret dreams and ambitions?
Don't be surprised if the answers aren't immediate. This process can take many months. Stick with it and find out what makes you tick. The answers are hiding in there. After all, you have a fascinating partner.
Finally, the most important question to ask is:
"What am I living for?"
It sounds like a simple question, but many are embarrassed to ask it. A voice inside us says, "Nah, why ask such a basic question?" We're resistant because we know this requires a lot of difficult soul-searching. And when you thoroughly know yourself, then you have changed. You've changed your relationship with yourself and the world.
Confidence in Decision-Making
People often avoid making decisions out of fear of making a mistake.
Actually, the failure to make decisions is one of life's biggest mistakes.
Imagine the beggar who receives a letter saying that he's inherited a million dollars. If he doesn't read the letter, is he rich ... or not?
Similarly, God gave us the free will to make choices in life and achieve greatness. But if we're not aware of our free will, then we don't really have it. And then we wind up blaming others when things go wrong – even though we know the decision is really up to us.
If you're not using your potential, it wears away at your confidence. Do you know what your potential is? Have you tried to use it? You have to tackle life. You haven't given up yet, have you? Let's get on with the game, with the business of really living, of not just "going through the motions."
Know the difference between "making decisions" and just floating, falling into place. Did you choose to go to college? Or perhaps you had nothing to do with the decision. Was it something you just did because you graduated high school and everybody else was doing it? Did you think it through and actually make a decision?
Imagine this private conversation of a college student:
Why am I going to college?
To get a degree.
Why?
Because I want to get into a good graduate school.
Why?
So I'll get a good job.
Why?
So I can pay back my college loans!
Through the process of questioning, he reveals a logical fault in his motivation. Really, the primary reason for going to college should be to acquire wisdom, knowledge and information. In other words, to get an education!
Now try the process yourself, using this example:
Why do I want to get married?
Don't accept pat answers. Keep asking "Why, why why?" Be frank. It's yourself. Ask any question you like. Be patient and persistent. Eventually you'll get an answer.
When you thoroughly analyze an issue, then you can make wise decisions with confidence.
Identify where you lack confidence. What makes you nervous? What situations inhibit you from being yourself? Why can't you make decisions? Is it that you don't know how to make decisions? Or that you doubt your decisions after they're made? Or you just don't feel like making decisions?
Enjoy making decisions. Deal with the world you live in. That's loving the dynamics of life.
Isolate Your Blocks
Anytime you find it difficult to achieve a goal, figure out what's holding you back.
Everyone has problems. Being aware of these problems is the key to getting in touch with yourself. Because as long as you don't face problems, they fester and bug you from behind.
Write your "blocks" on a piece of paper. That's a good step in the right direction. By isolating specific obstacles, you turn them into concrete challenges that require solutions.
Ask yourself:
- Am I lazy? Why?
- Am I disorganized? Why?
- Do I get angry? When?
- Why do ever I get defensive? About what?
- What makes me jealous?
- What makes me arrogant?
- Do I have trouble making decisions? Why?
- Do I lack self-discipline?
- Do I lack self-confidence?
- Why don't I take more initiative?
Negative character traits are the roots of our problems. Make a list of your negative traits, and identify when they affect you the most. Then analyze what triggers these reactions in you. Finally, formulate an effective counter-approach.
Working through this takes time. But do you have anything better to be doing right now?
Read Your Emotions
Get in touch with your emotional state. Take a reading of how you feel. Happy? Angry? Tense? Sad? Emotions are a measuring stick for what's going on below the surface. It's like taking your temperature. If you're sick, you need to be aware so you can fix the problem.
Find out why you're upset. Who or what is pressuring you? Is it an internal or an external problem? Identify it.
Let's say you are irritated. Why?
Because the boss chewed me out.
So why am I irritated?
Because I resent him.
So what? Why does that bother me?
Because I feel I am no good.
I'm no good? He's nuts!
Get out of yourself and track it down. If you don't, it's just irritation. And the next thing you know, you'll go home and yell at your kids.
Once you've identified what causes negative feelings, adjust yourself to minimize the impact. Either avoid these situations, or prepare yourself to handle them when they arise.
Further, root out negative motivations that corrupt your behavior. Let's say that you give charity. Why? One motivation is to help humanity. Another is the pleasure of being constructive. A third is the desire to do the right thing. These are all positive motivations. A negative motivation for giving charity is: "I want people to admire me." That's corruptive.
The next time you give charity, do so anonymously. Eliminate the wrong reasons. They are destructive.
The same goes with the positive emotions. Be aware of how your emotional state affects decisions. For example, don't buy a new stereo when you're in a euphoric mood. Wait. Think it over. You are susceptible.
Pinpoint what makes you happy. You can have more joy on a daily basis by formulating some practical applications. You got up in the morning, it's a gorgeous day and you feel great. You're energized. Now take that feeling and teach yourself how to get up on the right side – every day!
Another example: You did a good job and got the boss's compliment. Now focus: Do you need the boss to tell you did a good job? No! Create your own pleasure out of doing a good job.
Get In Touch With Your Two Sides
Everyone has an urge for greatness. We want self respect, power, fame. We want to accomplish, to be strong, to do the right thing, to even save the world.
Yet at the same time, we have a counter-urge to run away from responsibility, to get into bed and crawl under the covers.
Someone may say, "Life is beautiful," but he doesn't feel it. His emotions hold him back and he walks around going, "Ugh, life is a burden."
Recognize the volcano of conflict within you: What you truly "want," versus what you "feel" like. This is the conflict between body and soul.
Once you appreciate the dichotomy, you can identify at any moment whether your body or soul is talking. This makes it possible to live with sanity and choose the right thing.
The next step is to make peace between your two sides. The easiest way is to squash your drive to be great. But life is not about taking the easy way out. Just because you feel uncomfortable about an idea doesn't mean it's wrong for you. It's hard to break habits, and growth can be frightening.
For example, would you rather be happy or rich? Okay, you'd rather be happy. Now imagine this exchange:
"Come on, I'll teach you how to be happy. All it requires is effort and change."
"Oh, I'd love to, but I can't right now. It's impossible. I've got a flight to catch."
"Really? I'll pay you $10,000 a week to work on happiness."
"Sure! Where do I sign up?"
"Oh, but I thought you can't right now..."
We conceal our problems with rationalization: "I'll wreck my mind thinking about what life is about! Nobody really knows what life is about. It's not going to work. Nothing can be done about it anyway. I don't really care. It's not worth the time!"
The Sages say that a person only makes a mistake when overcome by a moment of insanity. So realize that you are fighting "insanity." It is not logical. You've got to be on guard. Because if you get off track, you'll pay for it down the road.
So ... do you want to change? What have you got against it? Feel the antipathy of the body. We are so darn lazy. The body just wants to sleep. "Aaaah ... I don't want to change. I'm happy enough. I'm comfortable in my niche of misery." Are you rich enough? No! So are you happy enough?
You see the importance of tracking that down? You have to identify the animal you are fighting. "The dread of change."
If you're alert, you see the enemy. You can fight it. You may lose a struggle with the body, but at least you have your confidence. "I know what I am doing."
Coax the Body
Get in touch with your spiritual core. Know what is driving you. Don't let free will be a subconscious thing. You want greatness. But the body says that's too much effort.
To try to convince the body, try to identify the tangible benefit. "Why is it necessary? What will it do for me?" You have to bring it home to emotional realization. "What do I lose?" What do I gain?" Only then will the idea have power. And you'll get out there and do it.
Here's the secret formula: Identify with your intellect, and coax your heart along. For example, if you're emotionally convinced of the benefit of getting into shape, then even when you break out in a cold sweat and your heart is doing palpitations, you will keep going. Because you have decided, "I want this," you know it is important.
To avoid negative backlash, your emotions have to feel comfortable with the changes you make. Learn to relax and reassure the body. Cajole the body and say, "It won't be so bad. Remember the last time you made an effort, how great you felt!" Be encouraging and reward yourself for success.
Don't say it doesn't work. You haven't made the effort. Don't give up on your intuition and perception. Just realize you haven't yet brought it home to actualization.
Consider how the basic human drives affect you: security, self-respect, honor, passions, social pressure, and possessions. Pay particularly close attention to how you accept responsibility. Let's say that you made a mistake. You want to apologize in a full and forthright manner. Yet you feel like forgetting the whole thing, hiding, running away and saying "it's not my fault."
This is the volcano. We want to be tough, dedicated and powerful – yet we feel like being marshmallows. Choosing the path of the soul doesn't come naturally. It takes a lot of time and hard work.
Know What You Know
Don't think that just because you understand something, you are living with it. It is possible to believe one way, and yet act another. It happens to us all the time. You can believe it's important to eat healthy food, yet gorge yourself on French fries and chocolate cake.
Our actions are determined by our level of clarity. If we understand an idea on just a superficial level, then we'll have difficulty sticking to it when the going gets tough.
Next time you go to a funeral, watch carefully. When they remove the body from the chapel, the mourners start to cry. Are they crying because they want to body to stay there?! No. All of a sudden there is a realization of death, that he won't be coming back. At the cemetery, they lower the casket into the ground and the mourners cry again. It's the emotional realization that death is final now.
Until you align your feelings with reality, you are in dreamland. Growth begins in the mind, but your heart has to buy into everything your mind discovers. Only then will you integrate these ideas into day-to-day life.
A lot of people believe in God. There are very few people who live with God. Does that make sense? You have to assimilate something that you've accepted as true. It has to become part of you.
Five-Finger Clarity
You've got to know yourself cold, just like you know your hand has five fingers. How do you know you are on the right path? How do you know you're not making a mistake right now?
To develop this clarity, articulate the important principles that guide your life. For example, in Judaism we say that love is an obligation. Is this reasonable? Work the issue through with yourself:
"Ridiculous. You can't obligate me to love."
"But if I have children, will I love them?"
"Of course I'm going to love my kids!"
"How do I know? I don't know what kind of kids I'm going to have. Maybe they'll be brats and I won't love them."
"I will. I'm obligated to love my children."
Do you see the contradiction? On an intuitive level, you know that love is an obligation. But the concept is not so clear that you can articulate it.
Take your time. Sort out the basic aspects of living. Ask yourself important questions about life's global and spiritual issues.
- What is the meaning of existence?
- What's good about living?
- How do I feel about humanity?
- What is the afterlife?
- How do I understand good versus evil?
- Do I have free will? How do I activate it?
- What makes me sad? Is it okay to be sad?
- How do I feel about God?
- Am I proud to be a Jew?
- How do I understand the Holocaust?
Some of these topics may be unpleasant to think about. If so, why is it unpleasant? Track it down.
Don't just use slogans to parrot things that you heard. Know why you are doing what you are doing. Otherwise, it's just society talking. You may have adopted part of society without analyzing its validity. Check it out.
Work through all the issues until you have "five-finger clarity." A human being who knows what he wants will get there. By hook or by crook. It's like a homing mechanism on a missile. If you program it right, you will get there.
Why Is "Knowing Yourself" a Way to Wisdom?
- You can know truth if you look honestly into yourself.
- Emotions are powerful forces of greatness. Know them. Harness them.
- Identify your problems. It's the beginning of solving them.
- If you don't get it straight now, you're bound to make some bad mistakes.
- Don't be afraid of finding out who you really are.
- Use your free will as a conscious tool for better living.
- If you're angry or upset, track it down. What's the root?
- If you're acting illogically, at least acknowledge that to yourself!
- The key to sanity is letting truth into the body.
- You can't afford to wait too long to get to know yourself. Because you are the most fascinating person you'll ever meet.
(41) Ellen, January 2, 2020 6:30 AM
Agree but for the "obligation to love" part
Reb Noach was one of the wisest, most level-headed people I've had the honor of knowing. His dedication to always delve deeper and find meaning and focus where most of us glide thoughtlessly through life was always inspiring.
There is one thing in this instance, however, that I think is a misconception. The idea that a parent loves his/her child/ren because of an OBLIGATION is not really getting to the crux of the matter.
Parents indeed love their children, but that love is natural and occurs with parenthood. It's almost inescapable, a parent or child would have to do something pretty drastic to STOP that love from being there. So parental love does not demonstrate an ability to control our feelings by command.
I know the argument about obligating someone to feel something and I imagine there are good explanations, but I think this particular one falls short.
(40) Yophi Thathazela, May 3, 2018 3:07 PM
Wow...Life changinging. God bless you more, thank you!
(39) Anonymous, September 15, 2014 12:05 PM
Excellent!
This is excellent! Thank you so much for posting this!
(38) Anupa, June 2, 2014 1:53 PM
Thank You :)
"Enjoy making decisions. Deal with the world you live in. That's loving the dynamics of life."
These lines inspired me the most !! Thank you for the insight.
Stay Blessed :)
(37) Leurhman, August 24, 2012 12:13 PM
Better days ahead
I feel better allready.
(36) Mike, November 1, 2011 10:31 AM
General Idea
I am certainly not as wise or as experienced as you, the author, but I must say that 28 years of life have taught me a few things. While it is heartening to see that somebody is making an effort to teach people about themselves, it is also very unfortunate that society fails to do so. I am a firm believer in teaching people to see the truth in themselves and the world around them, but I fear that doing so on a large scale would be quite an arduous or perhaps even violent path. How would you, as an educator, reach as many people as possible without corrupting yourself or forcing your truth upon others?
Chase Gielda, September 4, 2013 3:56 AM
The Truth is experienced, not shared with others
I am not sure if you have seen the "Truth". I am assuming so since you have a similar idea of sharing the beauty and pureness of it with all whom are open to it. (To be more specific, seeing the Truth more than likely brought you to your knees in wonderment and tears to your face). But I dont believe you understand that that you can not force anything and the best way to for people to the the Truth is to more than likely educate them and inspire them to seek on their own for this wisdom. that is definitely not violent. education of the youth and the inspiring of the youth is the best possible way I see at the present moment. I hope you agree :)
(35) Anonymous, July 7, 2011 1:26 PM
Thank you for making this program, because of this program, I was able to realize what I am.. Thank you!!! ;D
(34) suzzanne nemick, June 9, 2011 12:52 AM
I loved this and I have to replace my printer so I can get a copy.
(33) Anonymous, December 28, 2010 4:11 PM
fabolous
what u tld is approximately correct
(32) Deborah, November 17, 2010 7:46 AM
Why I'm Working on My University Degree Program
I come from alot of husslers and they all had it all, the hard way. I am one of the few in my immediate family that is working on my degree. There are a few in my immediate family with their degrees and some have advanced degrees. A couple of them are like me, they take their time earning their advanced degrees and degrees at University. We are the ones' that would like to have it all, but using mental persuasion, as compared and contrasted with using wit and brute persuasion to have it all. We are the one's whom didn't inherit from these Grandparents, the one's that were like them, did. I am already in private practice, psychiatriac social work. I have my regular clients, but without pay. I am teaching my self as I go. I get it that I am utilizing what my forebears knew all along, to go out in the world and challenge it, for a living. Amen
(31) Undecided, May 21, 2010 12:02 AM
Whom does this exclude?
Does the above essay apply to those with severe and untreatable mental illnesses? If not, the essay denies their humanity. If so, the essay asks of them the impossible.
(30) Jaime, April 29, 2010 10:05 PM
We need tolearn to read
The person who posted comment #28 did not get the point. If he'she did, Why make such comment? The reason for going to college to get a a good job is good, but the student saw it as "getting a good job" to pay for his education. The point was that the student discovered that he did not need to "get an education so he could pay his education".
(29) ER, April 26, 2009 1:23 AM
Masshy, the point about the college student is that he doesn't really know why he is learning. He is simply trying to get a job. But why does he need a job? What is the real end-game? That student doesn't know himself yet.
(28) Ruthiel, January 26, 2009 6:00 AM
good article
I agree with almost everything, but I think there is nothing wrong with the college student s motivation to get a degree in order to get a good job. Knowledge is for sure important, I am sure that some people without a college degree might be as knowledgeable as those with one. In these days, a degree allows you to get much better job, so why not such a motivation?
(27) sagar, December 10, 2008 6:59 AM
I really very satisfied with this,i guess its all true,this is very helpful to those who are appearing to the campus interviews.
(26) Raju P, December 4, 2008 5:47 AM
It is really great article-inspirable
I am just started to ask my self these 10 questions and I really inspired by you. I appreciate your information.
(25) star, September 25, 2008 7:44 AM
Brilliant
Thanks alot.Your artcle i tought provoking and very informative.
(24) masshy, February 29, 2008 7:52 AM
i really like it. . i guess its all true.
(23) Joey, February 27, 2008 3:24 PM
It's true, in order to truly go, we must integrate all aspects of ourselves---allow our minds to lead our feelings and our feelings lead our minds, all closer to God. May He bless Rabbi Weinberg with help!
(22) Robert Cheiffetz, February 25, 2008 1:12 PM
Taking time
Thank you for your thought provoking, eloquent article. I never stop to take the time to try to understand life and why we are really living it. The important things get lost in the day to day struggles. To look at what is really the important aspects of life that G-D has given us are the true aspects of what life could be.
(21) Anonymous, July 31, 2007 3:45 AM
Way #4 is a powerfully written piece.
(20) Gangappa Angadi, April 18, 2007 3:08 AM
Felt confident after reading!
Nice article; one must read it to understand himself/herself better...
(19) achand, November 29, 2006 4:32 AM
It is nice to know that this really touch my heart because being a restless like me. this is awesome.
(18) Tyris, July 10, 2006 12:00 AM
This is the most wonderful article I've ever read
This is defenitely the top article of learning to know yourself. I really changed after reading this.
(17) guilda, March 26, 2006 12:00 AM
Wonderful things to read
I need to read more contents about this subject
(16) pratap, February 10, 2006 12:00 AM
this article is absolutely awesome and i really would like to recieve other features via email
(15) Tali, October 31, 2005 12:00 AM
It made me think
I hav eread many articles on Aish and this one is definetley on the top ten. I hav ethought about these issues for a while but actually doing something about it takes a lot of effort. Asking focused questions and answering them isn't easy but it definetley will change you (or at least you will really know who you are at the end of the process). I will print this article and I hope to strat working on it. Thanks for the head start!
(14) John, August 26, 2005 12:00 AM
Very good
I am not Jewish I was raised a Christian and influenced by Buddhism. Your common sense wisdom and spirituality is greatly appreciated
(13) Jill Goldstein, December 10, 2004 12:00 AM
An inspiring article and words we all should live by:
Thankyou Rabbi Weinberg for giving a roadmap to life that some people have never begun to unfold. I am 48 years old and my quest for the meaning of life began at a very early age. Not only knowing one's "self" but the alignment of heart and mind, are issues that I have studied in depth. Your article enables one who has never entertained these thoughts, to stop and take hold of what lies inside of the mind. Thankyou for all of your beautiful work and for sharing it with us at Aish!
(12) Serenity, October 28, 2004 12:00 AM
48 Ways To Wisdom
Hi!
I have started reading the 48 Ways to Wisdom and I am really enjoying them and learning from them. I am really looking forward to reading and listening to more of your teachings. Thank you so much for presenting them to us, we really, really appreciate them.
May God bless you richly!
(11) chanelmarky, August 22, 2004 12:00 AM
Think and Do
What a great site. Not only does it make me think it provides practical ways of realizing my thoughts and acting on them. Much Love.
(10) a seminary student, May 10, 2004 12:00 AM
Thank You
Thank you for the taking the time to write these articles. They profoundly affect my life and the lives of those around me.
(9) Kitsie, December 24, 2003 12:00 AM
life-changing
Hi! 48 Ways To Wisdom is the best! I'm not Jewish, I'm a Filipino, but I have a high regard to your culture and your religion. The 48 Ways helps me change my life for the better. Thank you!
(8) tzipora mandel, August 18, 2003 12:00 AM
thank you so much ! this article has given me lots of practical ideas
(7) Anonymous, June 19, 2003 12:00 AM
Remarkable, Outstanding, Resonating
We, human beings, at least in the American culture, wander about, grasping and searching for meaning in our lives. We look in the media, in the movies, and in religion, and occasionally find minute specs of wisdom, but no where have I found a source with the clarity, the vein of gold, so rich as in the 48 Ways. I must stay here a while, perhaps a lifetime, to mine the gold and pass on the wealth to my family and others. Thank you Rabbi Weinberg and Aish Hatorah.
(6) Marj Lewis, April 24, 2003 12:00 AM
Folding Wise Ideas Into the Framework of Judaism is Powerful
In reading Introduce Yourself to Yourself I saw a lot of "old hat, I know that already" concepts. BUT, folding them into the framework of Judaism allowed me to look at them differently, newly. They seemed more important and more relevant to me! I feel invigorated and want to actually DO the exercises.
I'm taking off the training wheels, so watch out!
(5) Anonymous, April 1, 2002 12:00 AM
The Wonderful Effect of This Series
I would like you to know that I recently met a convert and her daughter. They told me that they first began exploring Judaism through this series during the Sefirah. They did one a day. Today this mother and daughter are observant Jews living in Boro Park.
Keep it up!
(4) Beth Collman, December 15, 2001 12:00 AM
oboyoboyoboyoboy
I get it! It's brilliant! It's true! I'm laughing! Thank you for the pleasure you have given me. I am grateful. I want more.
(3) Anonymous, October 19, 2001 12:00 AM
Thanks
Thank you for spending time to give me a bit of wisdom.
(2) Elizabeth Ahearn, September 14, 2000 12:00 AM
Wonderful get-going motivation/difficult reminders
Your elaboration on getting to truly know one's self is a get-tough reminder that "I am the hero(ine) of my own story"(late writer Mary McCarthy), and skirking decisions is akin to a chet!; it's wasting the Almighty's Gift of Life. This seems to be a Western dilemma, if I am correct in my asumption that some of this passivity, or laziness, has been insidiously woven into modern culture.Who needs a personal coach after reading your 48 Ways?...They could save me a lot of self-improvement book expenses at Barnes and Noble....
(1) Anonymous, September 10, 2000 12:00 AM
Excellent, very true would like
to read this article and more in
a book. I do not have a printer to print these articles.
Karen