Marriage Year One

It's the best and worst year of your marriage.

Comments (17)

(17) Meira, May 8, 2014 8:15 AM


First two months of marriage were beautiful and lovely....and fake. We were tip-toeing around each other, trying not to upset the other, but not really relating. Once we were able to start communicating our needs and wants, we became closer. (I think that's what emotional intimacy is all about.)
Yes, many parts of that process were rough, and with a very tight budget, school, two jobs, and a health issue, I was way over my head. Baruch Hashem my husband has a head on his shoulders and knew what work marriage really takes and he guided both of us through that very rocky first year.

I am so glad it's over, but at the same time, most of my fondest memories are from that year. It's extremely intense and exhilarating and painful all at the same time. And if you pull through, speak to a mentor as often as needed, and stretch yourself in ways you didn't realize were possible, you both become better people for it. If my husband wouldn't have pulled the tow I don't know if I would have. But now that he's shown me his strength, I have the courage to push myself just a little farther.

Thank you Lorie, as always, for your delightful insights!

(16) Anonymous, March 13, 2011 9:27 AM

Looks happy, really is hard!

I'm now up to year 10 and I feel like we are starting to get somewhere, really growing, and enjoying each other. Being married is Hard Work! I remember when I was married for a few months. Someone called me and said "You know, I met so and so and she told me she loves thinking about you. You are married to the right kind of guy, so caring, and you are living in Israel and living the life you wanted to live. You must be so happy!". I remember being so confused: they were right, I was living the exact life I wanted, and married to the perfect person for me, but I was NOT so happy. It takes a lot of hard work to be happy! Keep at it, effort does bear results, but don't expect it to come naturally. The first year is just the start of the process.

(15) Anonymous, November 24, 2010 12:52 AM

What a year!!!!!

I have recently celebrated my 1st yr anniversary with my wife. Marriage is more complicated than rocket science and any other complicated stuff you can think of!!! It was so rocky. We were both not sure if we would ever make it this far. No way! Hashem helped us. We have a rabbi and we used to go to a therapist but our money ran out. Therapy is so expensive! So we had to fight by ourselves. kinda funny but still... It's very hard to understand the other side when you don't listen. I think that people should seek a lot of advice and guidance before marriage and have a rabbi available on a weekly basis. And when you don't make an issue out of every tissue, you will live better. I am so happy we are still married. I really pray that our marriage gets better everyday because this past year was sometimes extremely difficult. May we all have the patience and understanding for our spouse and learn to live with them happily and with health for many peaceful years together. Hashem - Please help us all!!!

(14) Anonymous, July 20, 2010 4:20 AM

Thank You!

Oh my gosh.... Thank you!!!! I got married six months ago and some days are amazing, but some are such a struggle. I grew up with the honeymoon and roses view of the first year of marriage, and mine is not like that. Most of the time I feel so lucky that I am married at that I found my soulmate, and sometimes I feel like, "What am I doing?" I'm pretty young to be married (19 yrs. old) and sometimes I feel like I'm messing up. I'm glad to know that it's just something everyone goes through, and that it'll only get better from here. If my life turns into the good days without the awkward ones, I'll be thrilled!!!!!!

(13) Anonymous, June 23, 2010 6:49 PM

marriage and tikum O lam

I when I anticipate food, I pray no one should go hungry. When I contemplate marriage, I pray no one should be denied it. Starvation continues. Marriage remains a right not universally shared. Celebrating blessings like food or marriage feels better to me when I take a moment to consider how lucky some are and the work that remains for us to ensure no one is denied basic rights; like eating or getting married.

(12) Anonymous, June 17, 2010 8:08 AM

Finally got it right

Our eldest just got married. My husband and I worked very hard to give her (& also our son in law) the benefit of guidance and support we did not have when we got married. They are starting their married life on a much stronger foundation than we ever did. It took about 25 years, 4 kids, a lot of arguments and endless tears, but my husband and I finally got it right. The last 2 years of our marriage have been wonderful. Life is as stressful as ever (if not more so), but our relationship is solid, loving & respectful. It took a gifted therapist, a commitment to change & a willingness to give 100%. One of us had to initiate & it was tough to risk rejection, but you don't give up on a marriage without a fight. Unfortunately, my husband was diagnosed with cancer last week. His prognosis for recovery are good, but I cannot help but mourn all of the years that were wasted. We are now middle aged and fumbled through what could have been the best years of our marriage. Enjoy that first year, but more importantly, establish good & loving communication & healthy problem solving skills. The patterns you set that first year will last throughout the marriage. Most of all, cherish & appreciate the special time together. Marriage is like a bank account. The deposits you make have to tide you over for the "lean" times.

(11) Elizabeth, June 17, 2010 4:20 AM

WELL...being we have not been on the TORAH path too long

YET, and I do think it would have made MUCH better things all along, including the first year, it was tough!! It was during Nam, so hubby was in the Navy and came home on leave, we had a 3 day honeymoon and then back to my parents house to pack and leave. I ALMOST did not go with him, after a lovely episode (NOT) with his nasty sister. Long story. No, I would NEVER FOR ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD want to return to the first year. No way, no how. Things now are good, very good. It has taken many years to reach this and most of it came after we began to try to follow all the TORAH teaches!!

(10) Anonymous, June 15, 2010 5:57 PM

The Truth about Marriage

I have been married for appropriately 4 months now and I have a terrific relationship with my husband, b"h. While drama is hard to preclude, I would not want to relive the singles scene ( which is not the primary reason I got hitched ). Marriage can be a challenge. If you are properly equipped to adjust to a new lifestyle, there is a high probability that you will live a lifetime of happiness and marital bliss. Yes there is conflict involved as there are inevitably in any relationship. You can't allow petty arguments to pollute your marriage. I love my husband dearly and I couldn't imagine being happier with another man. We tend to have our disagreements and disappointments. Change is never easy especially those who have been accustom to the environment they grew up in. The first year is make it or break it. It takes a lot of mutual effort,patience,devotion, maturity, perseverance, and hark work to ensure a happy, steady, healthy and a secure marriage. There are things that constantly need to improvement. I wonder how hasty most 18 year olds would be if they knew what marriage really entails in the first year.While its important to encourage people to marry,we shouldn't conceal certain facts about marriage.

(9) yehudit levy, June 15, 2010 5:48 PM

torah tells it like it is!!!

What a great topic. I'm hope you will have the merit of saving countless marriages with this wonderful advice. I remember asking my mother why she didn't tell me the first year was so difficult, and swearing that I would advise my future daughter (no kids then) about this first year fantasy fallacy.. Well, Baruch Hashem, 10 years after marrying, 3 kids and becoming torah observant, we are finally in our real "first year": happily married!!!! And I won't have to worry about my daughter too much, because thank G-d she is in a Torah education and will hear it first hand from the best source in the universe , Torah ! (G-d willing! We mother's will always look out for our daughters....)

(8) chaya, June 15, 2010 4:00 PM

NOT easy!

year one for me was very stressful and i honestly thought that im not cut out for marriage. then came year 2 and so on.. and it became a whole lot easier not because its year 2 but because this is a guy iv lived with for a whole year and got to know and appreciate and learn how to work with him on the marriage. i learned how to deal with my in laws as well. now my husband and i BH look back and say thank g-d we are over that stage and i really tell a lot of girls that get married the truth and how hard it is. the other thing is i know a lot of secular people that say that because iv lived with the guy before its going to get easy so thats the thing its not!!! year one is hard for every one and living with the guy before just makes it more complicated. good luck to alL!! THANK you lori.

(7) Anonymous, June 15, 2010 12:28 PM

Oy! I would not want to go back to that first year.

My heart goes out to comment #2. Please go and seek marriage counseling, for everyones benefit. May Hashem help you all.

(6) Anonymous, June 14, 2010 3:46 PM

Not Always

I am actually currently in my first year of marriage and it really is wonderful. So you'll say I'm living in this blissful temporary reality that will soon end, but I disagree. My spouse and I both go out of our way to avoid conflict and we are enjoying these months immensely. It bothers me when everyone says, "Oh just wait til those fights etc..." that really the way of Klal Yisrael and Bnei Torah? Why can't the home always truly be a place of blissful harmony? Yes, we are humans and I'm not saying it's always easy. But with determination and true yiddisha middos, I think it's easier than the world makes it to be. So again you'll tell me I'm inexperienced, etc. etc. Maybe. But maybe not.

(5) Anonymous, June 14, 2010 2:23 PM

Great message

Lori, thank you so much for posting this video. I'm about to get married and have been wondering how it is that two single people can instantly know how to live together in wedded bliss as soon as they are married. I found your message reassuring and encouraging.

(4) Anonymous, June 14, 2010 8:08 AM

shana rishona takes more than 1 year

I've been told that "shana rishona" -- the first year of establishing the foundation of a marriage -- takes at least 5 years. We're entering year 3 are very much still in the 'first year' that Lori mentioned. Marriage is a big learning process!

(3) SusanE, June 14, 2010 2:18 AM

Maybe the Years Change the Memory of that First Year.

We got married in November and he was driving coal truck. Found an upstairs apt for $30.00 a month fixed it up and and moved in on our wedding night. ------ There was a coal furnace in the basement with an outside entrance that had to be stoked a few times a day cause the downstairs tenants worked. I stoked it and added coal one cold day then went to my Mothers till it warmed up. When I came home the downstairs neighbors had the windows open. I wasn't too good keeping the furnace steady. -------- We kept butter and milk and such in a Coleman cooler on the upstairs porch until we found a second hand refrigerator. -----We were 19 and probably too dumb to think we had important stuff to work out that year.------ We just concentrated on making dinners (learning how to cook cheap food) and having fun with other married friends who didn't have much money either. It took 5 years to afford a honeymoon and we went to Niagara Falls. I don't remember terrible times that first year. Maybe it is because I'm looking back in perspective. The marriage lasted another 35 years.

(2) Anonymous, June 13, 2010 7:43 PM

Shana rishona-miserable

Shana rishona-my husband was hardly around. It was miserable from right after sheva brochos on. He was either working fourteen-hour days or spending them with his father. It was worse when he was working overnights and I found out I was pregnant with my son. I felt left out most of the time and had to compete for his attention with his job, his parents and his books/computer. Five years and two kids later, it hasn't changed, except he spends slightly more time with me.

(1) , June 13, 2010 7:29 PM

Thank you!

Thank you Lori for the inspiration and reassurance this message brings! It cannot possibly be stressed enough! We need to hear more realistic messages like this to counteract the Hollywood vision of blissful relationships we've been bombarded with! Thank you for a good dose of truth!


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