1. Acknowledges and takes full ownership of his uncomfortable feelings.
Throughout our lives we experience a range of uncomfortable and sometimes unwanted feelings. We always have a choice. We can acknowledge and take ownership of them or try to ignore and get rid of them. Unfortunately, the latter option only leads to more emotional pain and to more complicated psychological problems such as depression. As physical pain indicates something is wrong with the body, emotional pain indicates that something is wrong with the soul.
2. Is curious about the meaning of his feelings rather than being afraid of them
Feelings are information and have unique personalized meanings. They are our teachers. The path to self-discovery and greater self-knowledge lies in unlocking the lessons embedded in our feelings and being able to listen to the messages they have to teach us.
3. Can tolerate the discomfort of intense emotional states
Some feeling states like anger, sadness, loneliness, guilt, shame, anxiety, and emptiness can be difficult and unbearable. Affect tolerance is the ability to bear this type of discomfort. People who cannot tolerate intense emotion look for ways to numb themselves to get rid of the pain. This may bring some immediate relief but often results in long term suffering.
4. Processes his feelings in order to learn and grow from them.
There are three steps to processing our feelings:
- Acknowledge and name the feeling. We cannot explore a feeling until we properly name it.
- Understand the unique personal meaning of this feeling in its present and historical context.
- Use this information to make decisions that will elevate one’s self, others, and the world.
5. Knows his vulnerabilities and triggers.
Many people tend to have specific areas that make them vulnerable to hyper reactivity and to being out of control. When we become flooded with emotions we cannot think clearly and make good decisions. Being aware of one’s triggers is one of the most important aspects of self-knowledge.
6. Assertively expresses his needs.
Taking care of our emotional needs is a crucial aspect of good self-care. People who are passive or are people pleasers suffer. Because they often believe their needs don’t matter, they emotionally starve while they hope others will somehow figure out what they need without them needing to ask.
7. Accepts and is patient with himself.
Self-acceptance is the foundation of good self-esteem. People who don’t accept themselves tend to beat themselves up which is accompanied with shame. Shame is the emotional experience underlying low self-esteem. When we identify something we don’t like about ourselves we have three options: feel shame and judge ourselves as defective, accept our weaknesses as part of being a limited and imperfect human being or make changes to improve ourselves.
8. Does not isolate when struggling.
Emotionally mature people reach out for help when they feel stuck or overwhelmed by life’s challenges. They are not ashamed to ask for help and receive help. They accept their limitations and don’t suffer alone with their problems.
9. Is not afraid to be open and vulnerable.
Being emotionally open and vulnerable is the way we connect deeply with other people. Being vulnerable means taking a risk to reveal personal and sensitive aspects about ourselves. Letting others “see” us is an essential way to bond deeply.
10. Values, honors, respects, and listens to the feelings of others.
Emotionally mature people are attuned to other people’s feelings. They listen because they understand that one of the greatest acts of kindness is listening to someone else’s pain. When we value someone’s feelings we are at the same time valuing their personhood. When we dismiss their feelings, we dismiss them. Emotional attunement empowers and strengthens. Non-attunement disempowers and weakens.
(12) Anonymous, July 5, 2020 3:03 AM
This is very interesting.
I'd be curious to have these ideas applied to any gedolim, if you knew someone who knew a gadol very well. I'm curious how it applies to them. I know one amazing psychologist (and person) who once met Reb Yaakov Kaminetsky and said he was the most emotionally healthy person she'd ever met.
I'm curious about this topic because some of these ideas don't sound super healthy to me. While they may be useful for people with a history of struggling with emotional health or self-esteem issues (and who doesn't?!) , I wonder how, for example, identifying an emotional feeling and naming it's history, by which I guess you mean, it's first occurance or source, is a sign of that traditionally emotionally healthy person. Like when I think of a true Gadol or even, in the secular world, a superbly emotionally healthy human being.
I guess what I'm saying is: When I picture an incredibly emotionally healthy person, I picture someone who's not really that focused on their feelings at all! I picture someone who's more focused on doing rather than feeling. Kind of always asking themselves: What would be the best thing for me to do now? Instead of asking themselves how they're feeling.
I was wondering what your opinion is about this.
Wondering what you think.
Dov Heller, July 6, 2020 3:47 AM
I asked
Hi, thanks for your inquiry. It sparked my interest. I asked a Rav whose rebbe is Rav Shmuel Kamenesky what he thought his response would be. He said he's sure Rav Shmuel would agree 1000% with all 10 points for what it's worth.
(11) Janine Laura Bronson, July 3, 2020 11:53 PM
can I deduce that all narcissists are not emotionally mature, then?
I have been listening to the characteristics of narcissists in general, and can I deduce that most, if not all, narcissists are not emotionally mature, then?
Dov Heller, July 4, 2020 12:26 AM
Correct
Yes that is true conclusion.
(10) Dvorah, July 2, 2020 12:22 PM
Clear direction
The clear direction you set is so helpful. It helps us detach and analyze what's happening, as well as understand what the healthy way is to deal with our difficulties. This is something many of us never learned. Thank you, (especially in this challenging period of coronavirus).
(9) Sam, July 2, 2020 8:58 AM
A very powerful article
Thank you!
(8) Sarah Newcomb, July 1, 2020 7:43 PM
Excellent article
You have written a masterpiece describing the ability to live a fully engaged life both in healthy relationships as well as the best version of ourselves. The awareness and willingness to stretch ourselves toward growth, healing and connecting is transformational when put into actions/practice. I view it as life’s work! Gratefully! Thank you for sharing!
Dov Heller, July 1, 2020 9:19 PM
Thank you!
Hi Sarah,
I'm glad you found this piece of value. Thank you.
Best regards, Dov Heller
(7) Anonymous, July 1, 2020 4:51 PM
ok, so now what
I live with one such emotionally immature person, and every single shabbos two people (from the family) come to my home and their chilldish behavior drives me crazy. I dont have one single tranquil shabbos. If not for my husband i would not be able to deal with this. What do you suggest?
Being that I am around such people all the time, I might add that the BIGGEST problem of emotionally immature people is that do not control their mouths.
What comes into their head comes out of their mouths, and it is usually incredible stupidity. They get angry. They don't let me give my opinion.They attempt to control me. They treat ME like a child. They think they know it all and have no evidence to prove what they say.
If you would like to contact me privately, I give permission for Aish to give you my e mail.
(6) Phuc Duong, June 30, 2020 11:18 PM
High-EQ people
Absolutely precise
(5) Barbara Eldred, June 30, 2020 8:44 PM
Greatest wisdom i have read in years!!!!
Thank you so much for that summary. So much wisdom there and so many simple phrases that joined dots for me... like emotion is the soul's way of showing pain.
I was widowed 2 years ago and am finally forced with having to accept responsibility for who I AM, now. Have no one left to blame for my "problems". Both Mum and Pete are gone. Been tough but so liberating.
Bit scary because I have no idea where I am going but The Lord will get me there. He has been pretty good so far.
Thank you so much.
Regards
Bee
(4) Tzipporah Pollock, June 30, 2020 8:21 PM
Kol HaKavod!
In my opinion this article was empowering, validating and extremely appreciated. I thank both Rabbi Heller and the Aish HaTorah staff for this meaningful helpful content. Looking forward to more.
(3) Rob, June 30, 2020 2:26 PM
Pronoun
Too many masculine pronouns. Should be neutral . Even I raised an eyebrow on this. Thank you
Dov Heller, June 30, 2020 4:07 PM
I agree
I actually originally wrote it in the feminine. See the version on my website.
Bunny Shuch, July 1, 2020 5:24 AM
There were only three masculine pronouns that I saw
I"m a woman and didn't find the use of a few masculine pronouns offensive. I didn't even notice them until Rob mentioned them and then had to read the article again to find them. I suppose the word "oneself" could have been used instead of "himself" but most of the pronouns were "we" or "they." I'm getting tired of "political correctness." Let's look at the message of the article, which was good.
Anonymous, July 1, 2020 10:56 AM
Intelligent perspective
(2) Anonymous, June 30, 2020 12:06 PM
Great, especially love the 10th quality, beautiful!
(1) Regina, June 28, 2020 4:51 AM
EXCELLENT
Rabbi Heller's outline and description is phenomenal - what a terrific blueprint for personal growth. Thank you for sharing it with all of us here.
Dov Heller, June 28, 2020 8:17 PM
Thank you
Hi Regina, thanks for the feedback.