What is life's greatest pleasure? It's not an easy question. Close your eyes a minute and think about it before you read any further.
What did you come up with?
We know the answer is not cars, vacations or golf, although some of us may have a pretty good argument. Love gets a high rating by many while others vote for success, children and power. (That's more on target, but not the ultimate!)
How about knowing and having a relationship with the Creator of the Universe?
Even an atheist would agree that if there really is a God, then to know Him would be the ultimate pleasure – greater than Maui, family and all the success in the world.
In the great medieval classic entitled Duties of the Heart, the author Rabbi Bachya Ibn Paquda discusses four steps to falling in love with God.
The four steps are:
- Appreciate how great it is to be alive
- Mastering the Gratitude-attitude
- The power of "letting go."
- The art of Service
Even an atheist would agree that if there really is a God, then to know Him is the ultimate pleasure.
This article discusses the first step. Underlying the application of his method is a fundamental principle of Judaism: If you want to grow spiritually, you must grow emotionally and psychologically. Indeed, it's impossible to become spiritually mature without becoming emotionally mature at the same time.
To begin, says Ibn Paquda, you cannot fall in love with God until you fall in love with life first. It is impossible to love God if you do not deeply and passionately appreciate all that is good about being alive. Unfortunately, to become a master of appreciation is not easy to achieve.
Appreciating Life
Do you appreciate your hand? Most of us say we do, but we really don't. There is a crucial difference between having an "intellectual appreciation" of your hand, as opposed to having an "emotional appreciation" of your hand.
When we emotionally appreciate something, we experience a "pleasure burst." We've all had pleasure bursts. When something good happens, or we see a gorgeous sunset, we appreciate the beauty and goodness of the moment. But most of the time we are not experiencing pleasure bursts at all, which means we are not actively appreciating how great it is to be alive.
Which should give you a bigger pleasure burst – a bowl of ice cream or your hand?
Obviously, your hand is worth much more than a bowl of Ben and Jerry's, but we don't feel it, because we are not able to obtain a real emotional appreciation of our hands. Why don't we have a deeper and more consistent emotional appreciation of life and all that is good about it? Because we find it hard to accept that life isn't perfect.
A major reason why we are not in love with life is because we use much of our time and energy fighting and obsessing about what's not right with ourselves and others. We simply cannot tolerate the apparent imperfections. It's not that we're all perfectionists, rather it's that we have acquired a destructive way of seeing the world, which results in making us miserable.
We all know the person who goes a picnic but can't have a good time because he forgot the mustard.
A classic illustration of this is the story of the person who goes on a picnic and is having a great time with friends and family on a cloudless summer day until he discovers there is no mustard for his hotdog. The entire day is shot! Suddenly, not only is his hotdog inedible, but the whole day is ruined.
Sound familiar? This is how most of us live our lives day in and day out. We cannot tolerate imperfection and when we discover something that is wrong or missing in our lives, we obsess over it. Sometimes we are able to change what's wrong, but if we can't we often wipe ourselves out with frustration, anger or resentment.
My wife can't seem to manage money in a responsible fashion. My husband never picks the right gift for special occasions. I am always struggling with food, insufficient income or lack of self-confidence. I'm not married. I married the wrong the person. I don't have kids. My kids drive me crazy with their constant demands. We all have imperfection in our lives!
The Half-Empty Glass
We are all familiar with the piece of wisdom that suggests that in order to be happy we need to learn how to focus on the half of the glass that's full rather than on the half that's empty. I have come to believe that learning to focus on the good alone is not the complete truth nor the real challenge of life. The real challenge of life is being able to focus on and embrace both – the half that's full and the half that's empty.
Embracing both the good and the bad is our ultimate challenge and the key to emotional well-being and true happiness. No one enjoys only accomplishing half of a goal. Not only do we want to get to the finish line, we want to win the gold as well.
But life isn't perfect and more often than not, we don't get everything we want or accomplish everything we want. Therefore, we must learn to embrace the ugly or imperfect parts of ourselves and our lives while working responsibly to beautify them as much as possible. Only then will we be able to stop obsessing about what's wrong and begin to appreciate what's right.
The liberation that comes through acceptance is wonderfully expressed by the playwright, Arthur Miller in the play, After the Fall:
The same dream returned each night until I dared not to sleep and grew quite ill. I dreamed I had a child, and even in the dream I saw it was my life, and it was an idiot, and I ran away. But it always crept onto my lap again, clutched at my clothes. Until I thought, if I could kiss it, whatever in it was my own, perhaps I could sleep. And I bent to its broken face and it was horrible, but I kissed it. I think one must take one's life in one's arms.
Obsessively rejecting what we don't like about our lives always leads to psychological pain, while acceptance of what we don't like is the key to emotional health.
Accepting The Unacceptable
Ask yourself this question: "What do you find totally unacceptable about yourself and your life?" What do you obsess about changing? The irony is that we think our obsessing will somehow help us gain control of the thing we don't like. The truth is that the thing we continually fight, reject, and obsess over actually gains more and more control over us!
He will blow up at anyone who suggests he just enjoy a plain, mustardless hot dog.
For example, Let's go back to the guy at the picnic who is obsessing about his mustardless hotdog. The more he focuses on the "loss," the more power it gains over him and the worse he feels. This is why he will most like blow-up at anyone who suggests he should just get over it and enjoy his hotdog the way it is.
Until there is acceptance of what's wrong, there can be no appreciation of the good.
Before we can change what we don't like, we must make friends with it first. This is what the rabbis meant when they said regarding the evil inclination, "Draw it close with the right hand and push it away with the left." We must accept it, not totally reject it. Pushing away with both hands only gives it more power over us.
Only when we genuinely embrace the bad parts of our life, can we begin to appreciate and enjoy the good parts of our life. Learning to accept what's bad is a challenging task, but we can master it by working with a few tools.
The first and most important step is to recognize and admit what you obsess over. Ask yourself these questions, "What do I obsess about on a regular basis? What do I find totally unacceptable about myself, my life, my relationships? What do I hate most about myself, my life, my relationships?"
Most likely these are the issues that you are using "both hands" to push away. And these things which you are working so hard to reject are the issues you must learn to draw close. Again remember, acceptance doesn't mean giving-in or giving-up. It means I am taking ownership of them because right now they belong to me.
Taking Ownership
In order to take ownership, you need to verbalize it. For example, say out loud, "I hate that my mind works so slow and that I feel so stupid, but this is the mind I was given and I must learn to accept it even though it makes me feel limited and inferior to others."
Once you've owned and made friends with the part of you that you don't like, you need to take responsibility to make adjustments where possible so that your limitation will be less of an obstacle. In the example above, a reasonable step might be to take a class in improving reading and comprehension ability.
Awareness is the key to mastering the skill of acceptance. We must first acknowledge what we find so repulsive about ourselves before we can embrace it and take ownership of it.
The 4-part series, "Falling in Love with God," includes:
Part 1: Falling in Love with God
Part 2: Mastering the Gratitude Attitude
Part 3: Indebtedness
Part 4: Service Payback Time
(26) David E Kamins, January 16, 2020 3:18 PM
Great philosphy - learn it and practice it.
The older I get the more I appreciate philosophical thought. I loved this article because it gave me more insight into myself.
(25) Lauren shavitz, January 12, 2020 4:12 PM
Greatest Article
I’m totally wowed by this article ! It all made so much sense to me for a lot of questions I’m trying to understand! I’m so excited to read part 2! Some articles about God are so philosophical and this is just explained in a way I can relate it to my everyday life! Thank You! Warmly Lauren
(24) Maddy, March 7, 2014 5:03 PM
You have to love yourself first
I have obsess with my over wieght problem all my life and because I'm not happy I have made others unhappy so tiday I learned that I have to love myself first before I can love someone else thank you for helping me find the solution to the problem I have held on to all my life you opened my eyed and I know now where I have to start
(23) LOU JACK MARTINEZ, March 3, 2012 4:10 PM
WHAT AN AWESOME ARTICLE! THANK YOU, RABBI!!!
Be careful, Rabbi: your wisdom is showing! I LOVE an article that can make me open my eyes and LAUGH at myself. I am the guy with the hot dog; and somehow I feel that maybe you were the same at one time! It was just so real the way you conveyed the experience! I'm a Harvard grad who gave his BEST YEARS to non-profit work; now I have no profit, and I can't even pay my rent this month! LOL!; but if I take God's perspective, my life has had a tremendous impact on thousands of others, and I have too many dear friends to count. It's just that, I didn't see my life, financially, this way, and it's sometimes embarrassing to be a Harvard grad who can't pay his rent, or even OWN a home himself! I am now unemployed looking for some company to believe in me. But your article has sparked my enthusiasm, Rabbi, and I am looking at my situation with a much different set of eyes right now! I'll start with the MOST important thing: falling in LOVE with my God again. He's always had my back--for almost 48 years now--and I am confident that he always will. Thank you so much!!! I can't wait to finish the rest of the series...LJM,
(22) Anonymous, June 27, 2011 11:21 AM
Accepting / Taking ownership
Can you elaborate on how to accept the unfortunate parts of your life. For example, a guy who has been crippled because of a hit & run car accident. So understandably he'd be quite angry at God and not so accepting of his new situation. How does saying "I must learn to accept it even though..." change things? Is that really all there is to magically accepting it?
nikki, August 2, 2011 5:18 PM
What I've learned
I understand completely where your coming from. I had bone cancer at 15 and half of my clavicle bone removed. Although what I went through was in no way fair, I had to realize that I am blessed to be alive. I am limited to the things I can do now, however I am still here with my family and friends. The most difficult thing in life to me is not figuring out whether or not something is fair, but rather how to handle it. What happened to your friend is unfortunate and I'm sorry, life is unfair but he has life. Maybe you should ask him this. "What you went through was so severe and it could have easily taken your life, have you ever wondered why your life was spared?" In my opinion when you are snatched from the hand of death it is because you have a tremendous calling on your life and you are too much of a blessing on this earth to be taken from it. I will keep him in my prayers and you as well. Love yourself through the good times and the bad, because God does.
(21) Anonymous, June 19, 2011 2:03 PM
easier said than done
I just can't seem to embrace myself
Anonymous, April 16, 2012 4:28 AM
agree
(20) suzzane nemick, June 13, 2011 1:55 AM
i love this and took lots of notes...I obsess and judge myself harshly and I do not want to do that to others...
(19) , January 27, 2011 4:49 AM
i really like it, very inspiring. i am truly blessed with this message
(18) Iman, February 2, 2010 9:06 PM
i am a Muslim and i became fascinated by your absolutely fabulous article. 10 out of 10 .
i am a Muslim and i became fascinated by your absolutely fabulous article. 10 out of 10 .
(17) darren titan, July 29, 2008 1:12 PM
very helpful
This was very good. it helped me look at my life and hopefully G-d willing accept my shortcomings and make the necessary changes in time
(16) Anonymous, December 1, 2001 12:00 AM
What I obsessively try to fix
Its interesting that I found this article right at this moment, because I've been sitting here frustrated over what I feel I cannot fix. What I can't fix about myself (but always try to fix anyway) is this enormous discipline/procrastination problem that keeps me from all of my goals. There's so much in this life I want to accomplish, but when it comes to actually carrying things out, I sabotage myself. I get lazy and/or put things off. When crunchtime comes around, I am usually left scrambling. Although I do this all the time I really hate this about myself. But I accept that this is my problem, and a part of my character. Maybe with time, I can begin to ease out of it.
(15) Susie Tomkinson, July 6, 2001 12:00 AM
I enjoyed this article.
(14) TERRI COON, May 29, 2001 12:00 AM
THANKYOU FOR YOUR INSIGHT, I HAVE STRUGGLED WITH ACCEPTANCE OF MY LOOKS ALL MY LIFE. I APPRECIATE THE ENCOURAGEMENT TO ACCEPT IT AND KNOW IT IS MINE AND IT IS WHAT MAKES ME WHO I AM. A GREAT BIG THANKYOU TO GOD.
(13) Gerald Carrington, April 9, 2001 12:00 AM
Nothing could bring more happiness than
knowing and having a personal personal relationship with our creator.
Thank You and bless you.
(12) dovid himelstein, March 6, 2001 12:00 AM
truly inspirational
i loved this so much that i copied it to bring it into the group that i facilitate. i believe my clients jew and non-jew alike will truly appreciate it. thank you Rabbi Heller.
(11) yael gormezano, February 14, 2001 12:00 AM
i loved it
thank u so much for having this online. I was very depressed and in a bad mood before I read this. This article helped me to put life in perspective. Sometimes just a few encouraging words can change a person's day.
(10) gloria stein, February 13, 2001 12:00 AM
Truth prevailed. Excellent!
Brilliance of the Jewish mind. Proud to be a Jew!!
(9) aryeh markman, February 13, 2001 12:00 AM
Rabbi Heller is brilliant.
Rabbi Heller has an incredible way of encapsulizing life and its relationships. Finally a voice of clarity in the pop culture wilderness of advice.
(8) Fernando Ya'akov Lalana, February 1, 2001 12:00 AM
Very helpful in my field of work
While being an internist-Cardiologist by training I have for the last two years devoted myself to drug rehab. This article is a powerful message for my patients who, as a rule, see the glass half empty all the time. As I teach Tanakh regularly, your input will be of great help to all my patients. G-d bless you and keep you.
(7) Joshua Lee, January 28, 2001 12:00 AM
Nice article, it's like the book it's based on.
I am currently reading "Duties of the Heart" but haven't gotten to the section on the Love of G-d yet. Like the book, this article, said to be based upon it, is very inspirational.
(6) Glen, January 28, 2001 12:00 AM
You are right on course, Rabbi.
Thank you for your input and straight forwardness. More power to you.
(5) Charlie Stevenson, January 28, 2001 12:00 AM
Amazing - THANKS!
Thank you for another example of indispensible spiritual knowledge. Especially valuable in briefing young people on life. Thanks again!
CS
Baltimore
(4) Rita Litchfield, January 28, 2001 12:00 AM
excellent - right to the point!
thank you -I will try to bear these comments in mind with lifes ups and downs- it will surely make it easier to handle!
(3) Anonymous, January 28, 2001 12:00 AM
Make friends with the part of yourself that you don't like.
This article is so beautiful, so true. We think that because WE don't like that something (whatever it is) about ourselves--and reject it, we think that others will reject us for it, also. [And, sad to say, some people will.] It's a risk we have to take.
(2) Jeff Stevenson, January 28, 2001 12:00 AM
Learning to accept the empty part of the glass of life
The wisdom of focusing on the half of the glass that's full rather than on the half that's empty. Is something that I need to do more of, as I see
so much that I must be happy for in
my life and with my life.
Rabbi Dov Heller; Thank you for
helping me to focus on the good part
as will as learning to accept and work
at the bad parts.
(1) Anonymous, January 28, 2001 12:00 AM
Very insightful. I wondered about references to yetser hara and the piece furthered my understanding, thanks.