Anger is one of the most destructive traits. It can harm us and others spiritually, physically, emotionally, and socially.
The Talmud says that anger, powerful and negative though it is, can also serve as our teacher. Anger can show us who we really are, what's important to us, and how we cope with adversity and frustration. We can learn from anger and, in the process, master not only it, but also ourselves.
We are not doomed to repeat our tantrums and indignation, constantly and endlessly. We can change. As long as we are alive we can choose to correct the way we live.
Anger is a natural human emotion. Refining and transcending it provides us with the opportunity to become the type of human being we wish to be.
There are many tools and techniques that will either prevent anger in the first place or will enable you to calm down after you have become angry.
Here are some practical tools to help purge anger from ourselves. Familiarize yourself with them and experiment to see what works best for you. Be creative and create your own variations.
TOOL #1 - WHAT HAS WORKED IN THE PAST?
First of all, think of what has worked for you in the past. When you have been able to overcome anger quickly, how did you do it? Even if it took you a long time to overcome your anger, when you finally let it go, how did you do it? Some people eventually tell themselves, "This anger is just harming me and wasting my time. It isn't worth it." Then they are able to mentally move on. If you can do this, then practice giving yourself this message earlier on. Some people tell this to themselves after just a few moments of anger, and you can too.
Keep a journal of self-mastery. Every time you successfully handle a difficult situation write down how you handled it. Writing down successes will remind you of what you can do.
TOOL #2 - LEARN FROM EVERYONE
A wise person learns from everyone (Ethics of the Fathers 4:1). Learn from people who are able to remain calm in situations that get you angry; learn from people who are able to let go of their anger easily. Ask them how they do it. Ask them questions such as:
- "What made you able to stay so calm? How did you view the situation?"
- "How did you handle this so well?"
- "What approaches or techniques have you found helpful?"
Most people will be glad to share any strategies they have found helpful.
TOOL #3 - COUNT FROM ONE TO TEN
The classic way to give anger a chance to subside before speaking is to count from one to ten. Some people count from one to 20 and some need to get all the way up to 50. This can be even more beneficial when the words "more and more relaxed" are repeated after each number. Or you might find that repeating the words "centered and balanced," or "patience and humility," or "serenity and compassion," between each number will have a calming effect. By practicing when you are not angry, this technique will have a more relaxing effect when you need it.
It is almost guaranteed that any anger will have cooled somewhat by the end of the counting. This makes it easier to rationally decide on the right move. At times remaining silent and letting the issue pass is the wisest choice; at other times it is preferable to speak. The clearer your mind, the better chance you have of making a wise choice.
TOOL #4 - BREATHE SLOWLY AND DEEPLY
Breathe slowly and deeply to access calming states and release stress and anger. As soon as you notice that you are feeling angry, breathe slowly and deeply. Exhale slowly. As you exhale, feel all the anger, frustration, and stress being blown out.
When you breathe in slowly and deeply, feel the fresh oxygen energizing you and giving you greater feelings of serenity. Feel grateful for being alive and for each breath of air. If your mind wanders, calmly bring it back to watching your breathing. One try is all it takes to prove how highly effective this technique is. Be patient. Some people take only four or five breaths and claim it doesn't work. Be willing to keep this up for 10 to 20 minutes in instances of strong anger. As you practice this form of breathing, it works faster.
TOOL #5 - LET OFF STEAM BY WALKING, DANCING, GARDENING
Seek healthy ways to let off steam when you become angry. Physical exercise releases anger. Take a brisk walk, run, dance, or engage in other exercises such as jumping with a rope or on a mini-trampoline. This will dissolve stress, frustration, and anger.
One Torah scholar even said that dancing to release anger can be termed "rikud shel mitzvah," a form of dance that is a mitzvah!
For some people, gardening releases stress and anger. Attacking weeds is much better than attacking people.
TOOL #6 - GO TO THE BALCONY
If you are in a situation that could easily get you angry, mentally go to the balcony. That is, imagine that you are watching the scene from a distant balcony. This will enable you to emotionally dissociate yourself from what is happening. You are able to observe the entire scene as an outside observer and will therefore find it much easier to remain calm.
Some people even imagine that they are in a balcony watching themselves in the audience watching themselves on stage. This is a double dissociation and if you try it you will see that it allows you to observe an otherwise anger-provoking scene as if you were watching the entire scene in a play. From this perspective you will be able to think much more clearly and rationally.
When you are not involved emotionally, you can coolly observe the other person's words and pattern of thought as if he were talking to someone else. This is a skill that many professional negotiators use to remain objective in difficult negotiations. When you master the ability to become an objective observer, you will even be able to enjoy watching yourself in a scene that used to get you angry.
A good example of when to use this is during discussions with someone who is very mistrustful and tends to be suspicious that the other person is trying to cheat or deceive him. When we are accused of ulterior motives, most people feel hurt and often angry. But by going up to the balcony and watching the other person as if he were an actor on stage it becomes easy to ask, "What is this person's pattern?"
When we are aware that someone's brain constantly warns him, "Danger, someone might be cheating you," we won't take his accusations personally. Even though we won't necessarily like what he is saying, we will have the freedom to take a more objective look at the situation and choose our strategy.
TOOL #7 - STAY OUT IN THE CAR AND SEND IN AN ACTOR PLAYING PSYCHIATRIST
A highly successful sales consultant with a sense of humor gives the following advice to anyone wanting to be more effective when trying to influence others: "Stay in your car. Don't go out 'yourself' to meet someone who might be hostile or intimidating. While 'you' are sitting calmly in the car, send in 'an actor playing psychiatrist.'
A psychiatrist doesn't get offended or thrown off balance by what anyone says. Since you are only an actor playing a psychiatrist, you are even more emotionally safe. Your feelings of safety are increased by the consciousness that the 'real you' is sitting peacefully in the car."
Look forward to the next time you will need to interact with someone who might possibly provoke your anger, and experiment with this approach. It's amazingly effective for anyone who has a basic knowledge of how to interact well with others, but whose fear or anger prevents that knowledge from being accessed. Seeing yourself as an "actor playing psychiatrist" lets you access more of your knowledge.
TOOL #8 - TORAH MEDITATIONS
A meditative approach is to repeat either of the following two verses over and over again as you breathe slowly and deeply.
A. "Ein od milvado - There is nothing else besides God" (Deut. 4:35). Rabbi Chaim of Volozhin wrote that there is tremendous power in repeating this verse as a meditation. Reflecting on the profound concept of this verse causes anger to disappear.
B. "Yehi ohr - Let there be light" (Genesis 1:3). As you repeat this verse think about how the entire planet was in total darkness until these two words were said by the Creator. Feel the Creator's light entering you and calming your muscles and cells from head to toe. Visualizing this light will have a wonderful effect on your nervous system, and will melt anger.
TOOL #9 - WATCH YOURSELF IN A MIRROR, OR LISTEN TO YOURSELF
One cure for anger is to see and hear yourself as others see and hear you when you are angry. Decide that the next time you get angry you will go to look at yourself in a mirror. There is an ugliness to anger, and especially if you contrast it with the way you look when you smile, it will strongly motivate you to do whatever you can to conquer anger.
You might want to ask someone in your family or office to record you the next time you lose your temper. Give them permission in advance to tape you surreptitiously so that you can later hear exactly how you sound to others. When you are calm, listen to the tape.
TOOL #10 - WRITE A LETTER, BUT DON'T SEND IT
Write an angry letter without sending it. Write down all your angry thoughts in a letter addressed to the person you are angry at. Since you are not going to send the letter, you can express yourself more spontaneously and less tactfully.
Then make certain to tear the letter up into little pieces. Make absolutely certain that no one else will see the letter you have written. Expressing yourself in writing will release some of your pent-up anger in a harmless way.
Important note: Even if you haven't finished writing all that you wanted to say, tear up the letter if you have to leave the room. You can always repeat yourself in the next imaginary letter. The harm caused by someone else mistakenly seeing words written to alleviate your own pain can be grievous. So is the harm of expressing angry thoughts and words that are not filtered with tact and a focus on your goal.
TOOL #11 - FOCUS ON GOOD QUALITIES
If someone has done something to you that you feel angry about, focus on some good quality of that person. That person might have done you favors in the past, he might have done much good for other people, or he might have certain virtues that you respect. Even though you don't appreciate the way he interacts with you, you can still respect him for the positive things he has done in his life (Tomer Devorah, ch. 1).
When you are angry at someone, your focus is limited to what he said or did that got you angry. Try focusing on what is positive about this person, you will have a more balanced perspective and will find it easier to say things to resolve the issue at hand.
TOOL #12 - WHAT WOULD YOU ADVISE SOMEONE ELSE?
When you become angry, ask yourself, "What would advise another person in a similar situation?" It is much easier to tell other people reasons why they needn't be angry. Viewing the situation as if you were talking to another person might help you find a better way of looking at it.
A similar idea is to ask yourself, "What would a wise person tell me right now?" You might think of a particular wise person you know or have read about. Imagine what he or she would tell you. This will help you access knowledge that you already have stored in the wondrous database in your brain but might not have thought of without this approach.
TOOL #13 - IMAGINE A LARGE CROWD
If you are angry at someone, imagine a tremendously large crowd cheering you for your self-mastery as you courageously remain silent until you feel calmer. Since you are creating this crowd in your mind, you have the ability to create a crowd of millions cheering for you with intense enthusiasm. Some people increase the effects of this imagery by playing a tape with a crowd cheering and mentally imagining that they are shouting words of encouragement. Imagine what it would be like to win a trophy for self-mastery.
TOOL #14 - DEVELOP PERSPECTIVE
Develop a sense of proportion. When something is about to get you angry, ask yourself, "How important is this in my life?"
Other questions that will help you get a more accurate sense of proportion are:
- "What is my actual loss?"
- "Why is what happened not really so awful?"
- "How will I look at this in a week from now? In a year from now? In ten years from now?"
- "How could this be worse?"
And the final question: - "In the scheme of the entire universe, how important is this?"
Excerpted with permission from "Anger: The Inner Teacher" by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin. Published by ArtScroll/Mesorah Publications Ltd., Brooklyn, NY.
(20) Anonymous, November 17, 2016 7:55 PM
anticipating what will be significant in the long run
I see a lot of value in these suggestions, but have a question regarding # 14, Perspective:
How do you know what you can let go of without having to further capitulate to the point that you are often on the receiving end of others' disregard or dismissal of you?
(19) Carlton Moyers, August 16, 2011 11:15 PM
Anger the Inner Teacher
I'm having greater success with conquering anger since I bought this book than anything I've ever owned. If only I knew the good Rabbi would mention my name in prayer or remember me at the wall.
(18) Bill Sydnor, March 19, 2005 12:00 AM
Anger's Source is Powerlessness
"The source of all anger is powerlessness." The reason we anger is because we suddenly find we cannot do anything about something that has happened. We have temporarily lost our power to act. Once you know this to be true, you will find it much easier to release from anger and its destructive force.
(17) Jereme Scott, January 20, 2004 12:00 AM
The best advise!
We often look at various ways to feel anger, thanks for the insight and tools to help deal with anger in the real world.
(16) betty, January 24, 2003 12:00 AM
thank you for dealing in an idealistic way about this
I need this in my life right now, and at 59 years old I've always needed it. I pray for God's help in causing me to remember these simple but great things.
(15) Cathy, January 16, 2003 12:00 AM
EXCELLENT
I love # 6 & # 12. Easy article to read and pass along to others
(14) Barbara Karlton, January 12, 2003 12:00 AM
I can't tell you how much I enjoy reading your articles. I keep them in a folder and, when I have time I read them. Just what I need. Thank you so much.
(13) Anonymous, January 9, 2003 12:00 AM
great ideas
i think that idea of writing on a piece fo paper is perfect for me. i really feel this one would really work .
(12) devin lafayette, January 8, 2003 12:00 AM
OH how it saddens me how so little of society understands or respects us jewish people- How they mutilate our identity with mocking voice impersonations, sum us up as big nosed bagel eaters, or ofcourse -(the pitiful favorite)see us only as stingy with our money. When the ALL TOO TRUE TRUTH is that there is an undeniable spiritual threading of brilliant wit and endless devotion for GOD in so many of us ( I have not met a jewish person yet , even those unfocused, who have not had that "threading of something that i can only describe as ancient and of GOD- even if it be unbeknownst to them at the time- I've always noticed it working through some aspect of the jewish personality. We are not stupid in any way- I read the articles on this website all the time and am compelled to write in ( and that is so not me) to praise the Rabbis for getting it SO RIGHT in their spiritual offerings. It is literally like listening to myself think. Long live the eternally misunderstood Jewish people...
(11) Gershon in London, January 8, 2003 12:00 AM
being personally understood for employment
These articles are are a briliant theraputic way of helping ones anger.
Though-how does one contain oneself when people misunderstand ones status or sdituations and allow this to act as a block for employment thereby causing some understandable anger and resentments.This probabaly calls for further professional ideas and maybe some sort of forum to share ideas and better ways to help others.
(10) Anonymous, January 7, 2003 12:00 AM
An addition to Tool #4
Once when I was in an extreme state of anger I tried sipping on cold water. The relief I got was remarkable!
(9) Michael, January 6, 2003 12:00 AM
Wonderful article Rabbi Pilskin.
It says it all.
(8) Genny, January 6, 2003 12:00 AM
re: anger management
Instead of writing a letter and not mailing it, I journal the episodes that make me angry or upset ... then I can see a pattern that may need correcting, whether it's a weakness on my part or influence from others that handle the chaos in their own lives by transferring it to others.
(7) Cynthia, January 6, 2003 12:00 AM
Very helpful!
I especially liked Tool #8/Torah Meditations. I am going to try it!
Thank you & Shalom
(6) Anonymous, January 6, 2003 12:00 AM
Good web site
Hi i think this web psge is realy helpful to students my self.so keep it up!!
(5) Karen, January 6, 2003 12:00 AM
This covers all bases!
Loved this article. I especially related to writing letters of anger and then destroying them. Worked miracles. Of course, what worked even more was really seriously studying Torah. My life has never been the same.
(4) Anonymous, January 6, 2003 12:00 AM
inspiring anfd thought provoking
enjoyed this as I got pointlessly angry the other night!!!
(3) Ben Gruen, January 6, 2003 12:00 AM
How to calm yourself when you are angry.
I like this article because I always get into fights and now I know how to react.
(2) Sheri Graffius, January 5, 2003 12:00 AM
This article was helpful
I found this article to have very helpful information. The article not only talked about the problem of anger but gave a number of helpful idea's to help me calm down. I will save this for future use.
(1) Anonymous, January 5, 2003 12:00 AM
Write a letter
Writing a letter to vent your anger was an old Scottish tool when I was young in my native land. We were told to write one expressing our feelings and post it up the 'lum.' (chimney.) Presumably it went up in smoke and was supposed to take the bad feelings with it. Getting away from the cause of the anger is about the only thing that works, I believe. If you have a dog take your dog for a walk or - better still - to a park where it can run loose. At least observing another creature's happiness will surely lessen the grip the anger has on you.