Someone snubbed me last week. She looked at me from across the room and didn't so much as wave her hand or smile. Not only that, but I sat and played with her daughter for half an hour, and the mother didn't even have the decency to thank me. To add insult to injury, I do this woman a favor, gratis, on a regular basis, and she couldn't even take two seconds to acknowledge my presence?! The nerve!
I felt taken, imposed upon, vindictive, and most of all, angry! In fact, my emotional state was so severe that I telephoned two friends to complain, stewed inwardly for hours, and discussed it with my husband. It took all my willpower not to disclose the woman's identity.
I telephoned two friends to complain, and stewed inwardly for hours.
A week later, I had occasion to visit this woman's house. By the time of our meeting, I had let go of my resentment toward her and was able to be polite and friendly. Now was the perfect time to "work out the conflict," in an unemotional, after-the-fact sort of way. So as nonchalantly as I could, I asked: "Did you see me at the library last week?"
Her face was blank. "No," she said. "Which day was that?"
I began to feel annoyed. I had prepared myself for an apology, an excuse, or an explanation, but feigning ignorance was really outrageous.
"You were looking right at me," I explained as patiently as possible. "I read to your daughter for about half-an-hour." Said daughter, observing the exchange, nodded vigorously, confirming my words.
"Hmmmm," said my friend, gazing into the distance. She seemed confused. "That might have been the day I was supposed to meet someone at the library. I was scanning the whole place, searching for this particular person. I remember being very distracted. In fact, I let my daughter roam around, figuring that she could take care of herself and read some books. I don't remember seeing you at all."
I felt like one of those inflatable beach balls that has sprung a sudden, enormous leak. It was unthinkable! Here I had spent a good few hours of emotional and mental energy stewing over this woman's rudeness, and it had been a complete misunderstanding! Far from trying to snub me, my friend had simply not seen me. And to think that that possibility never even crossed my mind!
Mealtime Reading
Now here's where the orange juice comes in. A short while ago we began to buy a certain brand of orange juice, processed and packed by a Jewish company. As an avid reader, I have this nasty little habit of reading while I eat. It doesn't matter what it is: If it's in front of me at mealtime, I'll read it. Everything's fair game - a magazine, a Cheerios box… or an orange juice carton!
Instead of a blurb about reducing cholesterol, the container had "The Road to Tranquility."
As I scanned this particular carton, I critiqued the ad copy on one side, perused the nutritional information on the other side, and then nearly choked on my food when I reached the third side. Instead of a fluffy little blurb about how orange juice may reduce your cholesterol, the container had a passage entitled: "The Road to Tranquility." It proceeded with a quote made available from the Chofetz Chaim Heritage Foundation (chofetzchaimusa.org), an organization dedicated to raising the quality of interpersonal relationships. Here is a partial quote from the orange juice container:
People do not always speak or act as we would wish. As a result, we sometimes feel impelled to embark upon a rough road of anger or disappointment.But there is another path - a high road - that bypasses anger and strife and leads instead to a life of tranquility. That road is marked by the well-known phrase, "the benefit of the doubt."
Seeing someone else's mistake in the best light does not mean we are naive. It means we have the insight to know that misunderstanding, inexperience, worry and stress are usually behind the offending acts of otherwise well-meaning people.
The high road. That's just it! The dreary road of anger, resentment, and revenge is a well-trodden, dusty one. It's the road people travel most because it's the easiest route. It takes a millisecond for my mind to shift into "insulted mode," and a snub is automatically accompanied by a physiological reaction that gets my adrenalin flowing and my heart pounding faster.
But our Sages tell us there is a way to escape the bondage of anger and aggravation. Simply by reprogramming myself, I can free my mind, heart, and spirit from the physical and emotional dangers of stewing and judging. I can take a deep breath and say:
- "Hmmmmm, it's very unusual for that person to treat me that way. She must be having a bad day."
- "I know he probably didn't notice that he accidentally stepped on my toe."
- "She didn't realize that she cut in front of me in the line."
- "My husband is usually so good about buying me flowers. He must have been too busy to pick them up this week."
Drinking Poison
Well, the message was certainly clear. After two minutes in front of that OJ carton, I felt elated, wonderful, and ready to go test-drive the "high road."
Then suddenly an insidious thought punctured my spirits: But what if it's not true? What if that cashier was mean to me on purpose? What if it wasn't an accident that the neighbor sprayed me with his hose this morning? What if I know that that particular woman is catty and makes insensitive comments all the time? In short, why should I judge someone favorably if I'm certain that their actions are dishonorable?!
Beneath my question lies the answer, and when I practice a little humility and patience, it comes to me. The truth is that when I judge favorably, the real benefactor is me. I save myself from the headache and heartache of anger and resentment. I avoid the pitfalls of revenge, harboring hatred, and speaking gossip (all of which are forbidden by the Torah). In short, I stand to lose the most when I do not judge favorably.
Like a friend explained: "When we get upset at somebody, it's as though we drink a vial of poison -- and then expect the person we're upset at to drop dead."
I, for one, am sick and tired of all the poison. I'd rather drink orange juice instead.
(24) Sheri, May 2, 2008 1:57 PM
best if intentions
I completely agree with the article, however, it is very hard to programme the mind to think this way...I believe if everyone could embrace this form of thinking, we'd definitely be better off. It's very easy to get wrapped up in negative comments and not so easy to walk away. I love the ability of the author to assume the actions of the guilty party as accidental, I just wish there was an easy way to adapt my thoughts the same.
(23) Michal, April 1, 2008 3:06 PM
What if you are Judged
My sisters tend to judge me for my past no matter what I do now. I can't help but worry for them because they don't have compassion or tolerance which makes life hard. I can't be around their hatred of me because it brings me down. They are always in my prayers, but Jewish law also states that you have to protect your own life and being around them just about makes me want to die. Not that I disagree with this article, but there is something to be said about praying for someone from a distance, as well as venting. In the article the person needed an answer as to why this person was doing what she did. Sometimes you need to tell someone what they are doing before you can get that answer. And sometimes telling the truth to someone about what they did can be hurtful to them.
(22) Desiree, March 31, 2008 3:38 AM
Thank you so much. Just what I needed to hear today.The world would be a much better place if everyone remembered to practise what G-d taught us for our own benefit.
(21) Anonymous, March 30, 2008 2:53 PM
to # 9 The brand of OJ
I believe the brand of OJ that prints the messages from the chofetz chaim heritage foundation is New Square orange juice.
Thank you for the article!!
(20) Michal Batya, March 30, 2008 8:55 AM
It could have been me
Dear Riva,
How good I understand, what you describe in your article. I feel exactly the same. I am hurted, feel as if I had been poisened and it takes all my strength n o t to wish that the other drops down dead. I am sure, it is done by purpose. There is no doubt. I am the "mother in law". But you gave me a wonferful idea, at the very moment, I am shouted at, say a prayer for the other person. Until now I never did. I scarcely pray for her at all. We live in the same house and would have parted, if they did not need me. A thought comes to my mind: "Is it reasonable if I pray for my enemy I will try that with the prayer. Thank you very much.
(19) Chana O., October 30, 2005 12:00 AM
Bring On The Vitamin C
Riva,
This article hit the spot! Your insight is incredible as always.
One cup of OJ keeps resentment away!
Keep up the positive energy. I gotta get me some of those.
(18) Jerry Gersen, July 19, 2004 12:00 AM
Orange Juice Enivironment
After reading this - I was better able to relate to my alcohol/addiction recovery- Helped me to realize why thy
say Resentments will keep you sick!!
Thanks Rabbi Pomerantz
(17) Simi Shain, June 3, 2004 12:00 AM
Something we must keep in mind
Really enjoyed the positive outlook.This is the second article from this author that I enjoyed. Keep writing!
(16) franny, June 2, 2004 12:00 AM
this article is just what i needed to see today Thank you . My critical nature is deadly and exhausts me emotionally
Blessed are the peace -makers
(15) rachel, June 1, 2004 12:00 AM
MEAL TIME READING
I just wanna thank you for this beautiful awe-inspiring site. This particular article hit my attention and i learnt a tremendous lesson from it. Many thanks once again.
(14) Anonymous, May 28, 2004 12:00 AM
It's not about me
I have learned this too. and tell myself when someone treats me badly most of the time, It's not about me. That person is having a bad day and is wrapped up in their own world. To think that someone would plan their day just to make you angry is a little narcistic. to go along with that I have learned that "You wouldn't worry about what people think of you when you realize how little they do"
(13) Peter Gaffney, May 27, 2004 12:00 AM
Don't let other people live in your head rent-free
This is an excellent lesson!
In the case of people we know and love, why do we get angry, when we KNOW that of course they mean well, and that even if they have behaved badly, there's certainly an explanation. And if they have faults... well, so do we, and that hasn't stopped THEM from loving US!
Moreover, regardless of whether the person in question is a friend or whether their action was deliberate, it's only wasting YOUR time and making YOU miserable to stew over it. When you spend time being angry at someone, you're letting them live in your head rent-free!
(12) Rob Austin, May 26, 2004 12:00 AM
Joseph / lost since 722 B.C
I would just like to say how much I liked this article. It will help me out the next time that I meet up with a negative person. I have been effected by selfish people in my life as well and it is hard at times to pick your self up after such an encounter. I just like to remember that they are the ones having the bad day and they are simply reacting in an all too human way of bringing another down in order to bring themselves up. Just say a prayer for them and G-d will iron things out in His own way. Shalom, Rob
(11) sara, May 26, 2004 12:00 AM
What brand?
What brand of Orange Juice is this? I want enlightenment for breakfast too!
sara
(10) Silky Pitterman, May 24, 2004 12:00 AM
What a great way to start the day
How marvelous to start the day finding a new way to go through life! I will definatly keep in mind the example of the poison. And to think, I just read the oj box and wonder why they need Hatzola's number on it.
(9) Anonymous, May 24, 2004 12:00 AM
Excellent
The minute I saw the title of this article I knew which orange juice it was about! I have found the same message to be a wonderful reminder on trying days. Thanks for writing on this important subject!
(8) Aliza Hodges, May 24, 2004 12:00 AM
nice one!
Go Riva, so nice to see your name up there, and please, let us know when the book comes out. If only the OJ cartons in England had quotes from the Chafetz Chaim on them!
(7) patrick rice, May 24, 2004 12:00 AM
forgiveness
the expectation of a friend is to expect nothing in return....why give out love if you are expecting a reward.. would it not have been better to focus on the person you are with ie reading to than someone across the room who is consumed in their own mental reality...it is not what is done to us that determines the outcome; it is how we handle the encounter. for our purpose is to survive and not get distracted from our focal point G-d...the trial is our day to day activities and how we respond exposes our relationship with love. the purpose is not the person across the room ignoring us but is the prayer that G-d will help them through this, the daily encounter with situations so a simple prayer for your self; the one your reading to, who may be picking up your vibes of annoyance, and the one across the room may have brought in to your life that which you are seeking self value shalom
(6) Bob Burg, May 23, 2004 12:00 AM
Profound
Very nice article. Thank you for sharing. I especially love the quote, "When we get upset at somebody, it's as though we drink a vial of poison -- and then expect the person we're upset at to drop dead."
This lesson is something for us all to work on - myself espcially included - every day.
(5) Anonymous, May 23, 2004 12:00 AM
WONDERFUL THOUGHT --I TOO OFTEN DRINK THE POISON AND WAIT FOR THE OTHER PERSON TO SUFFER
I WOULD LIKE TO BE NOTIFIED WHEN RIVA
POMERANTZ'S BOOK IS PUBLISHED.WE ARE "LANTZMEN" I ALSO LIVE IN OHIO
(4) Anonymous, May 23, 2004 12:00 AM
This lesson alone can profoundly change a life .
Thank you for this lovely well written spiritual lesson. I've been trying. Your words will help me to continue to try as I move though a divorce and a career change. If it is possible, I would also like to be reminded when your book is published.
(3) Anonymous, May 23, 2004 12:00 AM
Emotionally Cleansing!
What an honest and profound article. It reminds me to continue to turn all negative thinking into positive thinking.It also alerted me to the fact that I am not responsible for another person's reaction/response toward me. Thank You.
(2) ralph, May 23, 2004 12:00 AM
well written, and more importantly it's well written torah.
(1) Marilyn Stahl, May 23, 2004 12:00 AM
excellent article
The article was direct and to the point.
I would like to know what the author's novel will be about.