What in life do you feel is coming to you? Health? A good job? Children? A peaceful retirement? Check yourself out.
If you're like me, you probably have a whole list of things you feel entitled to, and if you don't get them, you feel cheated. If you are unable to take a vacation or buy the home you've dreamed of, then life has robbed you of something you are entitled to!
We live in a society that feeds an entitlement attitude. Compare the Bill of Rights, which focuses on our entitlements, to the Torah, which focuses on our responsibilities and obligations.
Life Owes Us Nothing
The entitlement attitude says, "life owes me something," or "people owe me something," or "God owes me something."
You know if you're into entitlement because the result leaves you constantly feeling angry, resentful, or frustrated. If you believe that someone owes you something and that person doesn't come through, you feel angry. You feel you've been ripped-off and cheated out of what I rightly deserve.
But entitlement is a lie. It's a perversion of reality.
There is nothing in the universe that states, "Dov Heller deserves to live a long, happy, and successful life!" My feelings of entitlement are born from within my own mind. Objectively speaking, there is no basis for such claims.
Everything good we do get must be looked at as a gift.
Even though Judaism maintains that God created us for pleasure and wants us to have pleasure, we still should not feel entitled to getting what we desire. This is because everything good we do get must be looked at as a gift. Understanding this creates an awareness that the source of all our good is God.
This understanding that everything is a gift forms the basis of our relationship with God. Judaism also looks at the bad as coming from God and it should ultimately be viewed as a gift. However a discussion of this complex issue is beyond the limits of this article.
Neither God, nor anyone else for that matter, owes us anything. Do you believe this is true? Most people do not.
The Entitlement Attitude
There are many things we feel entitled to. For example, aren't we entitled to have people treat us fairly, with sensitivity, with respect? Where is that written? The truth is that any kindness we receive from others is always a gift.
What about marriage? This is an area of life which is full of expectation. What do you think your spouse owes you? Financial support? Emotional support? Is he or she the one who is supposed to make you happy for the rest of your life?
Your spouse owes you nothing! Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler emphasized this point in his Strive for Truth when he said, "When demands begin, love departs." If we would focus on our responsibilities to our spouses and what we can do to make them happy, our marriages would be much more fulfilling. Focus on what you are not getting that you feel entitled to and your marriage will be painful.
A distinction must be made between the illegitimacy of "entitlement" in an absolute sense and our legitimate claim to seek "justice" and the fulfillment of one's rights under society's laws or under a body of religious laws. For example, when a person isn't paid for his work, he is "entitled" by society's laws to sue for his wages. A wife who is being treated disrespectfully by her husband is "entitled" by Torah law to be given respect.
But in an absolute sense, a person is not entitled to be paid or to be given respect because there is nothing in the universe that guarantees any kind of individual rights.
The Gratitude Attitude
Eliminating entitlement from your life and embracing gratitude is spiritually and psychologically liberating.
Gratitude is the recognition that life owes me nothing and all the good I have is a gift. My eyes are a gift. So is my wife, my clothes, my job and my every breath. This is a major shift from the entitlement mode. Recognizing that everything good in life is ultimately a gift is a fundamental truth of reality.
Gratitude is the recognition that life owes me nothing and all the good I have is a gift.
To speak of seeing everything good we have as a gift leads us to confront the reality of a giver and the source of all this good: God.
Gratitude is where we begin to experience God in a powerfully personal way. "Thank you" is the simplest and one of the most powerful prayers a person can say. If you can say, "Thank you," you can connect with God and begin to develop a personal relationship with Him.
A powerful, although tragic, example of someone who mastered the gratitude attitude was a great Jewish woman named Bruria. The story of Bruria is told in the Talmud. Bruria and her husband, Rabbi Meir, had two sons who both died one Friday afternoon before Shabbat. Bruria decided not to tell her husband of the tragedy until after Shabbat since, according to Jewish law, one is not permitted to have a funeral on Shabbat or to openly mourn. There was nothing they could do until after Shabbat so she kept the information to herself and allowed her husband to enjoy the day (imagine being able to do that!). Explaining where the boys were was the least of her challenges.
When Shabbat was over this is how Bruria broke the horrible news to her husband. She asked him a legal question: What is the proper course of action if one person borrows two jewels from another and then the original owner requests that the return of the jewels. He replied with the obvious answer that one is obligated to return the loan upon demand. She then took her husband to where their two dead sons lay and said, "God has requested that we return the loan of our two jewels."
Bruria teaches us a potentially life transforming lesson here: Everything we have is on loan!
On Loan
My ears are on loan, my health is on loan, my children are on loan. Everything is a loan that is given as a gift.
What have we done that we could claim we earned life, health, financial success, or children? We have done nothing. As I mentioned earlier, when we internalize this truth, we become spiritually and psychologically liberated.
How freeing to live with a sense that everything good is on loan.
This is the key to internalizing the gratitude attitude. Once we understand that everything is a gift, we can begin to feel gratitude towards God, the source of all good, and grow closer to Him in an authentic and joyful way.
The 4-part series, "Falling in Love with God," includes:
Part 1: Falling in Love with God
Part 2: Mastering the Gratitude Attitude
Part 3: Indebtedness
Part 4: Service Payback Time
(33) Devyn, October 29, 2015 2:07 AM
Life
Communicate with others
(32) SusanE, June 13, 2011 4:48 PM
Entitlement is Trouble with a capital T
"But entitlement is a lie. It's a perversion of reality."---------------------- Rabbi, truer words were never spoken. I agree ------------------- I've written about entitlement here on Aish comments. I agree that it is one of the uglilest of the 'rights' people exhibit. Those people who feed entitled, feel they are above another person. In reality, it is simply their ego claiming an elevated status. Entitlement and gratitude don't get along well together. Thank you for your interesting views.
(31) Isaac, January 12, 2011 4:51 PM
Desire?
Dear Rabbi Heller, I disagree. For we say in prayer three times a day, "You open Your hand and satisfy the desire of every living being." Psalm 145. The question then remains, what is "desire"? Is it to want? If we were to search throughout all the prayers we recite all year, the phrase, I want this, or I want that, will not be found. We see from this, desire is not to want. So then what is Desire? This much I can say here in this comment and with all certainty. When one discovers the true definition of Desire, all things desired comes to him. May God bless you, Amein
(30) Dana, November 23, 2009 5:29 AM
THE POWER OF GRATITUDE
If you are a Jewish individual over the age of 18 may be eligible to participate in a study exploring the relationship of general gratitude and religious gratitude on psychological and health-related behaviors . So far, over 200 people have participated in this study. www.jpsych.com
(29) Yehudis, November 22, 2009 8:48 PM
Kesuba
The author writes, "What do you think your spouse owes you? Financial support? Emotional support? Is he or she the one who is supposed to make you happy for the rest of your life?" Well, when he hands her the ketubah marriage contract at the chuppah wedding canapy he is committing to providing for her, and he has a Torah obligation to make her happy.
(28) Aquinas, July 23, 2009 11:23 PM
Faith
So we aren't to even expect God to come through when we pray for simple things - a job, a bit of money and shelter. I realize we are blessed in good times and bad but I hope he cares for my minor material needs.
(27) chand, August 13, 2008 11:59 AM
YES THERE IS ONLY ONE THAT IS GIFT. THE GIFT OF THE UNKNOWN???????
LOVE U ALL.....
(26) Eleanor Gibson, August 3, 2008 2:49 PM
Gifts lost
I am not a Bruria, and I still cry, I buried by daughter in 1984 and a son in 2001. Yes they were great gifts. I would rather still have them with me. Yet I do thank G-d everyday for my living children.
Good article.
(25) Mark-Shane, August 2, 2008 3:07 PM
I disagree with the article that nothing in the universe asserts our rights.
The very Torah is a testimony that we are entitled to blessings and respect. The Torah does not only focus on obligations, but what to expect if we keep our obligations. It also tells us what those who fail to keep the obligations are entitled to.
(24) David Cohen, July 28, 2008 4:03 PM
Congress shall make no law ...
I am forced to agree with Rachel. In a time when the Bill of Rights is under constant legal assault by all three branches of the US government, I think it is irresponsible to cast that document in such a negative light by associating it with all negative attitudes that the author wants to attribute to modern Western individuals. It's also not even remotely true: Most Americans who may walk around with certain fallacious ideas about what "the world" owes them in terms of respect, money, convenience, cannot name even two of the Amendments that lay out what society LEGITIMATELY owes them in terms of protection from illegal search and seizure, freedom of petition and assembly, equal protection under the law, etc., or name even a handful of the landmark Supreme Court decisions that put those lofty Amendments to real-world applications. Especially given that later in the article, the author concedes that as it relates to society's obligations toward its members, individuals certainly ARE entitled to certain protections, it seems a cheap and ultimately self-defeating ploy to rhetorically pit the Torah "against" the Bill of Rights.
All the best,
David C.
Houston
(23) Kiva, July 28, 2008 3:17 AM
Life Owes Us Nothing
Perhaps so, but we didn't ask to be born, so the Universe, God or Infinite Intelligence should be a bit more lenient, don't you think. If not for me and each one of you, the universe wouldn't exist... period.
(22) Rachel, July 27, 2008 3:45 PM
Human Rights
I agree that we should have gratitude for all the good in our lives.
HOWEVER: To blame the Bill of Rights and other laws for a culture of entitlement is just ridiculous, and ignores an equally fundamental principle of Torah, namely that we are all G-d's children and should treat each other accordingly. The U.S. Constitution does not deal with humans' relationship to G-d or even other individuals, it is solely concerned with the rights of states and individuals under the federal system. And (unlike the modern constitutions of many western European nations), the rights enumerated are basically protections from, rather than rights to, actions by the government. (The 2nd Amendment gives one a right to bear arms, it does not provide a rifle in every house!)
A greater commitment to human rights and human dignity (including one's own) is a good thing.
(21) Bishop, Manasseh Mankuleiyo, July 27, 2008 2:12 PM
"When demands begin, love departs."
Rabbi
You have touched a very timely and necessary subject for the times we live in,
I know not of any religiouse institution,any family nor any peoples that is safe from this malformed type of thinking anywhere on earth
The "Me, Myself, I and mine " philosophy is truly turning us into very base humans
Thank you for a reminder
Today Rabbah
(20) Barbara C. Bailey, October 12, 2003 12:00 AM
reality check
It's great to know how to that others have pondered life in the same way that I have in 2003 and share similiar thoughts with clear direction and rationalization. Thanks
(19) ke meredith, September 30, 2001 12:00 AM
In my time of great need two friends came to my help and I am searching for a special way to say thanks - I found your site. Thank you. Ken
(18) L Richardson, July 23, 2001 12:00 AM
excellent
I do not believe that I have ever read a more eloquent article although I think along these lines truly this is inspired.
(17) dale sands, July 21, 2001 12:00 AM
what i needed
These four articles seem to have been written directly to me. I have been struggling with some mid-life issues lately and may have found the underlying problem behind them
(16) Anonymous, June 27, 2001 12:00 AM
Thank You Aish
I'd like to thank you profusely for all you are doing for the Jewish world. May you be blessed to continue your Avodas Hakodesh (Holy Service) succesfully until moshiach comes, may he come speedily in our days.
(15) Anonymous, June 3, 2001 12:00 AM
EVERYTHING is a blessing in disguise...
and be grateful for ...
I have taken upon me to write 5 things I am grateful every day....and little by little my attitude towards life is taking a different dimention...
(14) Susan Petre, June 2, 2001 12:00 AM
Excellent
The one thing that bothers me is that I don't feel I could be a Bruria. I have two daughters, and at times I find myself bargaining with G-d. It goes like this: "Take my life, strike me with any terrible disease or paralysis, just spare my daughters and give them a good life." I can't imagine being that spiritually enlightened, although I see the rightness of it.
(13) Monique Citron, May 27, 2001 12:00 AM
Liberating. Clarity.
A good way to put aside covetness for God. I am up studying because it is Shavuot and wandered to this site. I held a Speed Dating event at the JCC in Tarrytown, NY where I sometimes work. Thanks for all the good you do.
(12) sidney pohorille, May 12, 2001 12:00 AM
Attitude of Gratitude
An excellent article...thank you .Todah rabah.I need more.sidney pohorille.
(11) diane mcclain, April 27, 2001 12:00 AM
life without gratitude is a black hole.
God bless the giver even when the receiver shows no gratitude. For in the moment of the the giving one has seen God.
(10) , April 23, 2001 12:00 AM
Well-Done! Now lets get the harder dimension to understand to the people. Tragedy,trauma,accidents,disease, evil are also all from God, all arriving to us out of Divine love that we may learn what is vital to us that we may return to Him forever. It is time to tell this as well.
(9) Anonymous, April 20, 2001 12:00 AM
Excellent Article
It started a whole new way of thinking for me. Thank you for the insights offered here.
(8) robert mathias, March 31, 2001 12:00 AM
More
I read it and found it most informative, but most of all very touching. I had never thought of it in that manner.
Thank you
(7) Tom Slatton, March 27, 2001 12:00 AM
Good Blood Pressure Medicine
We are not our own but created by G-d for His good pleasure.
(6) nan aitel-thompson, March 26, 2001 12:00 AM
Heard.
I hear you....This was a joy to read. It needs to be put up on my wall to use for an affirmation story. thanks. I agree with Richard, it's a blessing to be able to take this in to my mind.
(5) Lewis B. Ziman, March 26, 2001 12:00 AM
good article
The article is to the point, that to live a happy life, we should pay attention to the details of the article.It drives the point home with clarity.
(4) James Davis, March 26, 2001 12:00 AM
The Rabbi is right. Each minute of life is a gift from G-d. People become so consumed with possessing and acquiring things or with their own desires that they forget that "there is no place empty of Him", that we are always and everywhere in the presence of the Divine. The Holy one Blessed Be He is the Master and owner of every atom of creation. We are merely the stewards of His creation. We are to treat others and even things as we would treat the most precious and valuable treasure. Humility is a trait all too often missing in today's world. We must begin to realize that each of our thoughts and actions have an affect on the entire universe. It says in the Talmud that each of our actions creates an angel, either a good one or an evil one. That we have the capacity to cause terrible suffering without even realizing it. True happiness comes from union with the Divine presence and this is achieved only through obedience to G-d's will, to Torah, not through the possession of wealth or power. Shalom.
(3) Richard Hoberman, March 25, 2001 12:00 AM
That's one side of the picture
I can agree that we are not owed anything. I can agree that an outlook of gratitude can liberate, or protect, one from the feelings of frustration that arise when one is under the impressions that one is not getting one's fair share. However, the atttitude of gratitude that you describe comes with its own psychological burden - being dependent on somebody else is a very unpleasant way to live. Judaism recognizes this very fact when it requires you to avoid one to whom you have lent money. Ask any beggar how they feel when living off other people. Knowing that everything is a gift from God, and knowing that one's gifts far exceed what one could ever claim to have earned is, in my experience, psychologically crushing!
(2) jane Topp, March 25, 2001 12:00 AM
I enjoyed your articles
especially the reminder about "rights". Our NZ society is just full of these and we wonder why so many marriages fail, so many children are in rebellion and crime is on the increase...yet in our schools there are lists on the walls of Children's Rights (and most of them exceed teacher's rights).
I have been battling with resentment in my heart but now I realise there must be a right I am cherishing so I will seek God to show me what it is and to help me to lay it down.thanks
(1) Richard Hassman, March 25, 2001 12:00 AM
Rabbi Heller you are a joy to learn from!
Years ago after taking Rabbi Heller's Unlimited Pleasures class I embraced the principles in this article but it is always so impactful to go through them and reread them - I am going to send many people to this article and the others here on Aish's website. I really feel blessed to have been open-minded enough to take the information in. Thank you Rabbi Heller and Aish Hatorah!