6 Jewish Ways to Respond to Anger

If someone is acting unreasonably in a way that makes me angry, then I try to be polite but firm with them; I use decent language and strive to attack their *behavior*, and not them personally (there's a subtle but important difference between calling someone a jerk, and telling them that's it's not becoming for them to act like a jerk).

Good article. Easy to apply strategies. Easy to remember.

This superb article is about managing your own anger. But ...what should I do when other people explode in anger, especially at me? Especially when I'm INNOCENT!!!!

When I am angry it is usually because I feel misunderstood. My husband once told me that perhaps I need to make myself more clear so that I can get my point across.

I believe that anger can be controlled if you know how to control it. Anger can be controlled in many ways like meditation or using the count to ten method. If people don't know how to control their anger or their emotions they should take some classes or just follow the five ways to respond to anger listed in this article. It is alright to be angry but people need to know when enough is enough. Controlling your anger is a thing that all people need to know how to do. For example, if you have a teacher or classmate that makes you upset you should learn how to control your anger and not hurt anyone. Everyone can benefit from learning to control their anger and not acting on their emotions.

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I believe that anger isn't just a Jewish issue because everyone can benefit from learning how to control their anger. Also, everyone can benefit from reading this article. I believe that it is okay to be angry and to hate something/someone but all people need to know that acting on these feelings can have very negative results. Controlling anger can help maybe even save lives. I have a teacher that does not like me and is always angry with me. S/he acts on those feelings and is mean to me constantly and that makes me very upset, but I do not act on my feelings so no one can get hurt. I believe that EVERYONE should learn to control their anger.

We think that writing a note for your own eyes only is a good idea. Letting out your anger is a smart way to sit in the time-out zone for a little while to calm your self down. If you don't let out that bottled out anger, it will erupt on a wasted cause.

So comment below and let's here it!

I agree with you. I used this with my kids at school (I'm a teacher) and at home (I'm also a mother). Thank you for this great piece of advice, it really changed my life!!

I think that these steps are good. They teach kids that hate is a strong word so you should thing before saying it.

I often bottle up my anger and hide it with a smile. i know its wrong, and hashem gave me this obstacle for a reason, but a lot of times, they wouldn't understand. when i'm angry i dont want others to feel sad i hate feeling angry with no one to talk to. what should i do???

After cooling down, try to act assertively rather than aggressively. (Smiling when you’re angry gives a confusing message.) Think about what you want to accomplish. Then let the other person know in a calm and non-threatening way what it is that you’re angry about (using “I” messages rather than “you”) and what you would appreciate being done about it. (For example, “I feel angry when my opinions are not taken into account. Please consider my viewpoint in the future and be willing to discuss it with me.”} Also, you may wish to figure out if there are things that make you angry that trigger feelings from the past. If that doesn’t work, there are anger management classes, assertive training classes and therapists that can help. Books on assertiveness that may be useful for you are: “The New Assertive Woman” by Bloom, Levin and Coburn, “The Assertive Woman: A New Look” by Phelps, Stanlee and Austin, and “Assertiveness: How to Stand Up for Yourself and Still Win the Respect of Others” by Judy Murphy.
Good luck!

i think that anger is in everyone, and it is okay to feel anger. you just have to make sure not to let your anger out on people

Our very professionally and financially succesful daughter, living about 110 miles from our home, had never once been come to visit us 17 years despite many, many invitations. Thus I was very pleased and garateful that she did show up the day after her father died. Her then current Boy Friend was not familiar with our area so she filled him in with names of restaurants, sight seeing venues etc. making it very clear that she had probably been close to our residence many times over that 17 years and never evn stopped by.

As I was putting out food and refreshments for the guests she commented, Öh, these are all daddy's favorite foods." I couldn't resist, as my grandmother would have said, she pulled my tongue. "Well, I said, " Ïts too bad you never came to eat them here when daddy was alive."
My daughter stood up, threw over the chair she'd been sitting on, shouted Ï'm outta here!"and ran out the front door.
It will be 10 years on July 16th since I've seen or even heard a single word from my now 63 year old daughter.
Do I have a right to be angry? What does The Talmud say? Let's just say I'm so very sad, painfully disappointed, but I've become resigned to the loss of my child,

Carol - this is a very sad part of your life. It makes no difference if you have the right to be angry or not. It's your choice to live with anger and resentment, or to let it go. It doesn't mean that your daughter was right or justified. She was wrong. But you will ge the only one who suffers when you are angry. There are ways to let go of anger and let ourselves have peace of mind, even when others have done us wrong. I wish you good health and many blessings.

Am trying to put these hurtful words behind me,but every morning I awake with heart ache. The only way I think that I can do this Is: EXTRRICATE myself...and comfort myself with the fact that i have been a good person, a good wife , a good mother, ann
D a goog friend!

My youngest son has refused to talk with me for several years. That is HIS loss, not mine. My other children amd I talk often, but he insists on playing his game.
I love him, but I have tried to reconcile but he wants to keep whatever he has against me going.
I REFUSE to let his anger affect me. Hashem is the only one who can change his mind.
Please don't let your daughter control your life. She feels like the bad daughter she is and doesn't WANT to face her guilt.
Please leave it in Hashes hands.
Love...Bev

Anger does not appear out of nowhere. As a family therapist for over 3 decades, I suspect the daughter remembers great pain received from her Dad. One can only guess what may have gone on, but I respect the daughter's decision to act as she did.

it is easy to get angry. Try to do something else like laugh or tell a joke or call someone on the phone. The one who made you angry will be surprised and not say anything to you and you will feel better. Later you can tgell him that he was wrong and you were mad abut you do not let go. Try this and see if it works.l Always remember that onece you get angry it will be hard to go back and erase what you said or did. Then you will be sorry.

Anyone who lives in Israel will relate to the SLSS syndrome mentioned above: Israeli's have it!!!!
Pushing into the lift before they let anyone out
Saving their spot in the supermarket queue
double and triple parking and endangering others so their kids don't have to walk to the car
blocking lanes of traffic to cut into turning lanes
pushing into long lines with "just a question"
The way of life here is continuously frustrating when people act as though there is noone else but them: Special Little Snowflakes
Grrr. Need some help from the points offered by the author!!

You're right about every single one of your points, but as Scott said, nobody is out to get you. Nobody wants to wrong anyone else. They're not mean. It's sort of culturally accepted. Yeah, they shouldn't be doing all those things, but they are. So what?

I agree

Having worked on my anger for years, I have almost succeeded in eradicating it. However, I am stuck on one thing and can't quite figure out how to control it. I am very close with my only daughter and we have similar souls but very different physical actions. I am a neat/clean freak and she is admittedly a slob. Seems so silly a problem but since I care for her family and home while she works full time, it is a real problem for me. I keep trying to ignore the issue but its really hard for me. Change yourself and accept others for who they are. Easily said....not so easily done.

When it bothers you enough you will either move or learn how to accept living in another woman's home.

There is only one issue on your table! Move or Live with it.

I think it is wonderful you care for your grandchildren, but you should not have the burden of caring for her messy home as well. Think how much better you'd feel to babysit in your own home! She's an adult who needs to be responsible for organizing/cleaning her own home! If you do everything for her, then she's being coddled. If she chooses to live like a slob, then that's her choice. It's one thing to help out by unloading a dishwasher or folding laundry. Perhaps she wants to be different but is exhausted from working full-time and being a mother. There are just not enough hours in the day! An amazing gift might be a cleaning lady once a month to help her maintain her sanity. Mother of three

When I think it over, many times in my long life have I be angry. But never ever stopped my brain its working.
Immediately I knew how I could hit back best. And that I did.
And I realize: "When I know what I say my responsibility in front of HaShem is bigger." Good, that in old age one does not get angered so easily.

Informative. Essential with Adequate RULES TO SELF CONTROL.

My respect and appreciation.

Victor Saman

Not all anger is bad. Anger is a natural emotion. Some anger is healthy. It stirs us to action. It drives us to correct wrongs-especially in ourselves. It makes us work harder and pay attention. When it's justified and expressed in a healthy way.

I have found that unacceptable anger is usually about people feeling entitled. I call it the special little snowflake syndrome (SLSS). SLSS says that you should not have to wait in traffic. That you are too important for someone to cut you off. That your problem is so important that you just can't wait for the customer service rep to call you back. That your wife should be perfect and anticipate your every need. Because you are the special little snowflake at the center of the universe.

Well you're not.

The shwarma guy will screw up your order. Your wife will say something critical on occasion. Your boss will ignore your suggestion. Your team will lose the big game and your stocks will drop in value.

If these things make you angry...that's unacceptable. These are the things that go with being human and living on this planet. You have to learn not to take everything personally, because 99% of the people that do these things really don't care about you...they're doing what they do as best they can so it's not personal. The other 1%...well most of them didn't mean to and yelling won't help.

I usually get a upgrade at the rental counter. You know how? I make sure I get behind the rudest, angriest, most difficult guy I can find and when I get up the counter I smile and commiserate a bit with the agent. In a sea of angry SLSS I'm the guy that wants things to go easy. I gotta tell you the new Impala is nice...and you got more of a chance of getting it for the economy car rate with a smile than an air of entitlement.

Besides bring POed all the time gives me a headache. So I let things go. Saves on tylenol.

Scott, I *love* your SLSS comment. In the process of applying for a mortgage, and have been feeling like a SLS myself lately. Will try to remember that the new mortgage financing laws have tightened for everyone, and that if it doesn't work out, I do have my current (lien free) home to continue living in for now. Thanks to you for your perspective, andto the author for the reminder that God knows best.

I completly agree with your state of mind. I tried being angry, it made my heart ache and my head pound. so stop being angry and stop wasting money on tylenol.

surpressing was not difficult for me- but the internal rage was-- the more torah i continue to learn- the calmer i am and i am a ffb= and a senior- but young at heart- and life is a LIFELONG journey
=the internal calm i feel more now- reflects onto those around me- while the internal rage i felt in the past- must also have affected those around me - though i didn't realize it at the time