An unhappy life is a choice. I choose a perfectly wretched existence because when I'm miserable, I have a legitimate excuse not take responsibility for my own life or feel obligated to reciprocate all of life's goodness. Here are eight primary ways to live a miserable life and keep the insidious feelings of joy and gratitude at bay.

1. Never Grab the Reins on Your Own Mindset

Constantly blame your present existence on your past, your childhood, your spouse, your children, your cat, and other external catalysts. Don't look inward to find joy because you might just find it. Never rely on your own mindset or internal reserves to find strength and joy. Instead, allow your thoughts and feelings to be at the mercy of someone outside of yourself.

2. Wear Negative Eyeglasses and a Permanent Sour Face

Always view your cup as half empty. Avoid seeking out the positivity, joy, and blessing amidst hardship. When life gives you lemons, eat them and then make a terribly sour face. Then wear your sour face the entire day and contaminate every room you enter until your mood bounces around the world like a boomerang. Never smile, laugh, or give someone an uplifting word. Smiling releases hormones of dopamine in the brain, which in turn, gives you a lift. You wouldn't want that, would you?

3. Be Ungrateful

Retain the mindset that you have entitlements, not obligations. Write down five things that went wrong today. Keep a list of grievances against God and mankind in your pocket and look at it whenever you need a little down. Don’t appreciate your family, friendships, health, or life’s overflowing bounty and goodness. Never say thank you; you may accidentally slip into feeling appreciative.

4. Live an Unhealthy Lifestyle

Avoid choosing a life of health and fitness which can lead to a happier existence. Consume a diet rife with sugar, saturated fats, and other nutrient-free poison. Don't get enough sleep. Instead, sulk around late into the night while you complain about how tired you are and how it’s your spouse's and kid's and boss's fault that you never get enough sleep. Don’t exercise or engage in any rigorous physical activity which you may find God forbid enjoyable and uplifting.

5. Don't Look for Solutions to Existing Problems

Actively seeking a solution to a real problem is conducive to finding one. Don't face your personal challenges; denial and avoidance is always easier. Never turn to anyone for help. When life presents you with a difficulty, wallow in it and mope about how terrible your life is while drowning your pain in a bag of potato chips.

6. Continue Repeating Negative Thoughts and Behavior Patterns

Stick to toxic and destructive cycles of thought and behavior that eradicate self-confidence and empowerment. Cling to negative and obsessive thinking, binge eating, and addictive behavior. When feeling miserable, make yourself feel even more miserable by indulging in self-pity and false conclusions like how bad and helpless you are.

7. Don't Live in the Moment

While sharing a wonderful moment with family and friends, watching a glorious sunset or lunar eclipse, or feeling snowflakes trickle down your nose, do not to allow yourself to feel the intense joy of the moment. Instead, brood about your past and worry about your future.

8. Don't Pursue your Goals

Ignore long-term goals. Remain stuck in your box, never expanding your horizons, learning anything new or striving for a better you.

Remember: life is a bowl of cherries. Discard the flesh and choke on the pits.