The other day my son Yehuda, who has Down syndrome, was called a "retard" by a younger boy. Thankfully this is a rare occurrence, and at the Jerusalem cheder where he is mainstreamed, his second grade classmates more or less accept him. But the name-calling still stung me.
Yehuda on the other hand, wasn't fazed one bit; at age 7 he doesn't yet realize he's different than others. He just called him "retard" back!
But that time is going to come – if not this year, then probably next, when the disparity between him and his classmates will be even greater – and it makes me wonder: How is it fair that God created him with such disadvantages?
How is it fair that God created my son with such disadvantages?
My wife and I are extremely grateful that Yehuda is very high functioning – he speaks two languages, knows how to read, he's working on his writing skills, his comprehension is decent and he's got a great sense of humor and kindness streak that make him very endearing – but there is an obvious gap. His speech isn't perfectly clear, he doesn't have the coordination (yet) to ride a bike without training wheels, some of his social skills are off (there's only so many times one can watch him do his "magic trick" or listen to the same joke) and there's no way he can keep up entirely with the second grade workload. And this inequality is only going to grow.
Related Article: Raising Yehuda
The "retard" epithet magnified the reality of the differences between Yehuda and other kids his age which I still futilely try to minimize. And it stealthily conjured up that question: Where's the fairness in all of this?
One doesn't need to have a mentally challenged or handicapped child to provoke the issue. Why does God make one child a naturally gifted student who excels at anything she puts her mind to, and another child an adventure seeker who struggles scholastically? Why does God make some people beautiful and slim and others less so? Why are some people born in the lap of luxury with all the advantages of western society and others are born in poverty in third world countries?
The question in various forms plagues most people. Who hasn't woken up in the morning at one time or another bemoaning life's inequalities: why did he get the promotion and not me? Why does she have the perfect husband, the perfect house, the perfect kids and not me? Why was I born with this skin, this hair, this nose?
When we measure our success by comparing ourselves to others we are guaranteed a life filled with discontent and unhappiness. There will always be someone who has more advantages than you. This is the calculus of unfairness.
Personal success has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else. It should be measured against oneself; how much am I actualizing my potential? The yardstick for fulfillment and meaning is based on how many rungs of my ladder I have climbed, not how far ahead I am compared to others.
God creates each person with a unique mission in life, with the challenge to bring out his inner strengths and wrestle with his set of weaknesses. On that score, whatever deck of cards we were dealt, we are all equal.
Comparing Yehuda's success to others reduces fulfillment to external results rather than the struggle inherent in life itself.
Comparing Yehuda's success to others negates his soul's uniqueness and masks the primary spiritual challenge in exerting his free will. It reduces fulfillment to external results (which are ultimately not in our control) rather than the struggle inherent in life itself ("According to the effort is the reward" Ethics of the Fathers 5:26). Yehuda will never be able to fully keep up. So what? He isn't the same as others, just as others are not the same as him. It only becomes 'unfair' when I make the irrelevant comparison to others.
The wisdom in this perspective may be obvious, but because we live in a material world, it's a real struggle to stop comparing ourselves to others and live with the awareness that our life's purpose is to strive to bring out our inner potential, whatever it may be.
Sitting in the sukkah gives us the opportunity to reinforce the idea that the basis for our real self worth is internal, not external. It's the great equalizer. We all leave our comfortable homes, whether they're big or small, and live for a week in a hut with the stars overhead, recognizing how fleeting the physical world truly is. "Vanity of vanities, all is vanity," we read in Ecclesiastes during the holiday. After attaining the piercing clarity of what's truly important in life during the intense High Holiday period, we have renewed strength and focus to translate our inspired vision of ourselves into action.
It is no wonder that the holiday of Sukkot is called "zman simchateinu" – the time of our joy. Living in the shadow of God's embrace, we realize life is fair after all.
(18) Anonymous, July 21, 2017 2:16 PM
Someone will always have more........
However, someone (probably many someones) will always have less than I do. Sadly I grew up in a household where I was judged by how much I weighed and who I would marry. (My parents would have preferred me to marry a doctor. Yes, my childhood sounds like a really bad Phillip Roth novel.) I love my husband and son for who they ARE.
(17) Elisabeth Pridonoff, October 24, 2011 7:28 PM
Many thanks!
I just wanted to write and let you know that your article touched the lives of many last week. My students at the University with whom I shared this, and for me to reaffirm the priorities and importance of life and it's uniqueness and our responsibility to being the best person we can be given the talents and attributes Hashem has given us. Thank you for this very precious message.
(16) Bobby5000, October 20, 2011 12:36 AM
Beautiful and inspirational
You are one of the people who lives what he says. Your story and your son's is an inspiration.
(15) Anonymous, October 19, 2011 1:09 PM
Thank you
Thank you for teaching us this beautiful lesson. My 4 year old this year has a boy in his gan who also has down syndrome and my husband and I couldn't be happier! Our son, who has B'H chosen to make this special neshama his best friend, will BE'H not need to be taught acceptance, it will be a given! I really appreciate parents like you choosing to mainstream your children, it benefits the entire class!
(14) moses, October 18, 2011 4:07 PM
What a blessed and touching artical.It has relinquished my desires to pursue dreams inhelent in my heart.It is worth reading because it touches on the source of our true happiness and that is developing our innate potentials.
(13) Anonymous, October 12, 2011 4:49 PM
yehudas so big!!
Yehuda is so big, wow!!! I miss him!! I hope to go to Israel in December and visit you. Ask him if he remembers me, its been so many years though..!
(12) Michal, October 11, 2011 8:51 PM
I read your article on facebook, but I prefer to answer at aish
I remember, when you wrote about your little son with Down Syndrome and I was impressed how you accepted it. Now I am impressed about what he has learned in the meanwhile. When I was young (50 years ago) I worked with children like him. After a very short time you love them. Because they are extraordinary kind and lovable. As long as he has his parents, everything is allright. But you surely think, what his life will be like, when you are not there any more. Some part of him will stay this loving and trusting child. Hashem asks much from you, when you have to leave him in His, Gods Hand. But Hashem loves these children especially. And Yehuda will then be with other people who love him also. Like I loved those grownup "children" then in a special way. One gets all love a hundred times back. I am sure, Hashem will care about your son always. And He loves you especially, because you trust in Him already and you have the gift, not to compare! In that I am far behind you and can learn from you. Thanks for sharing your story and your thoughts!
(11) Lisa, October 11, 2011 10:09 AM
What is the definition of the word "fair" anyway?
No,I don't agree, life, as we know it now, isn't fair....but who says it has to be? In Olam Habah -- the Next World-- all will be fair & we will get what we "deserve!!"
(10) Rich, October 11, 2011 5:08 AM
Thank You
Thank you for sharing this wonderful story. Very touching and inspiring.
(9) Anonymous, October 11, 2011 4:31 AM
Great article
Great article.
(8) Avraham Turetsky, October 11, 2011 2:24 AM
how true!
"Sitting in the sukkah gives us the opportunity to reinforce the idea that the basis for our real self worth is internal, not external. It's the great equalizer. " How true!
(7) Anonymous, October 10, 2011 7:03 PM
Our Jewish Community Judges Us
Your son is so fortunate. He has a loving family. Is it fair for a child to be dangerously neglected and rejected then finally put into another family to suffer a childhood of the greatest sins against her and be rejected again? Then to turn to Judaisum and never measure up, never be good enough to sit in the same row as the higher ups. To be ignored by the well established congregation members. Is it fair When you are old and all alone and need surgery to be told "Why don't you just hire someone to take you to the hospital". "We don't do that." (twice) Then you make it through double knee surgery by yourself and return to shull. But when you sit in the informal the sunday morning adult ed. and drop your crutch, the others just watch you struggle and you know you have distracted them from the speaker they were half listening to. it is not fair for me and it is not fair for the wealthy at the synagogue. they did nothing to deserve the life they were born into and the advantages they were given. what is your comment?
(6) ruth, October 10, 2011 3:48 PM
Thank you Nechemia. A beautiful article. Love Ruth Ehrlich
(5) michael yomtov, October 10, 2011 1:04 AM
fair?
maybe not, but it is incumbent on us to raise the playing field for all, and lift all with the field.
(4) Anonymous, October 9, 2011 11:43 PM
acceptance
my husband and I are getting ready to send our son off to yeshivah in Israel. It is a program for American students without a lot of Jewish background. Truthfully, our son is from an observant home, but he is developmentally delayed, and this was the only program that interested him and that was willing to take him. He is a couple of years older than most of the other students, and we know he is going to struggle to learn what they will probably easily acquire. My husband and I know he will be functioning well below what the other students will be doing. What is not easy to see when you look at my son is that his whole heart is eager to go and to learn. yes, he may not learn as much as the other students. he may not "shine" academically, and he may not be the boy most parents would introduce to their daughters, but his heart is so much more eager for all of this than what I see from other students his age. I have moments when I feel angry that he has to struggle so hard, but mostly I am grateful to have a son whose heart is so open to learning. Nothing discourages him and his love for Judaism. I hope that the yeshivah appreciates him, but , even if they do not, my husband and I do!
Arthur Gillman, October 10, 2011 8:10 AM
Never cease being inquisitive, including about the meaning of the circumstances that surround you in life! Each of us has a Great Puzzle to figure out. Although we may never succeed at this, our experience of trying USES our life for the stupendous gift it is. Amen. Arthur in Winnipeg, Canada.
Rechama Lamb, October 10, 2011 8:18 PM
Much nachas
This is a beautiful comment. How lucky your son is to have you. He may not shine academically, but it sounds as if his neshama shines very brightly. Have much nachas from him. Shana Tova
(3) ruth housman, October 9, 2011 3:04 PM
coming to the Fair
This is a lovely piece of writing, containing deep truths. I have been revisiting classic children's stories, and one is, The Secret Garden, and in so doing, asking my class to respond to all the metaphors that do arise when conjuring up the image of The Garden, including the Adam and Eve story, of course! One book that might be relevant, and "the" movie, to this discussion above is Being There, because it's the story of a gardener, who is labelled retarded, but others do not know it, and seek his wisdom, which is deep and profound, coming from all the metaphoric connects that do arise out of the garden itself, so that these truths cover all of our lives. We learn from each other. Life's fair is filled with diversity, with people who represent a rainbow, in terms of their skills, their beings, their gifts. And so the answer of course is Yes! The beauty of this particular holiday, Sukkot, for me, has everything to do with winds, sand and stars, and a book called The Little Prince, a story of the meaning of love itself. Shana Tova!
(2) Anonymous, October 9, 2011 1:56 PM
wonderful
What a beautiful article - thank you! We are comprised of many things, a "package deal" as it were. When we "wish" that we had something that someone else has, we should realize that we can't pick and choose that one thing, that the person is indeed a "package deal" and we really would not exchange someone else's "pekelach" for our own.
(1) Kyle, October 9, 2011 9:17 AM
awesome!
This is one genius of a parent and rabbi. If only that message could be blared throughout the world. The New York Times op-ed would be a good place to start. Then an Aish.com film.