Most of us think of failure as a plague to avoid at all costs, or something inevitable that we must endure.
But failure is actually a key component to building self-confidence, perhaps even more than success. Counter-intuitive? Allow me to explain.
I once taught a class and totally bombed. I didn’t like how I delivered my lecture. I was unhappy with the reaction I got. And as I traveled home that night I didn’t feel very good about myself. My confidence as a teacher was spiraling down the drain.
The next day came and nothing drastic happened. The world didn’t stop turning, and life moved on. I assured myself that things would be okay. The following week some women came back to my class, and some didn’t. I accepted it, trying consciously to not internalize the loss.
Yet, as I stood before the class for the first time following my failure, I sensed a feeling of calm wash over me before I began. I suddenly felt free, as I realized that I did not have to be faultless. I could make mistakes, but still be successful. This experience allowed me to let go of the perfection I was trying to attain. I could just be me, faults and all.
And that’s when my confidence truly blossomed.
Failure gives us the opportunity to reflect back on what we’ve done, allowing us the rare chance to accept ourselves for who we really are, in our most vulnerable form. Of course, success feels awesome and builds confidence, but we need to be careful about falling into the trap of perfectionism where we obsessively feel the need to achieve and feel unworthy if we fail. Success feels good in the short term, but if caught unaware, we can become dependent on that approval for our own self-esteem, ultimately diminishing our self-worth if we don’t receive it.
You don't need anything external for self-confidence. Not money. Not a job. Not our clothing. All you need is you.
We need to learn how to not rely on successes for our confidence. Taking it a step further, we shouldn’t depend on anything outside of ourselves for confidence. Not money. Not a job. Not our clothing. All you need is you. These external crutches may work as short term boosts to temporarily increase our confidence, but they are fleeting, and they won’t hold up in the long run. Establishing lasting internal tools will also help when facing larger, more serious challenges in the future.
How to Build Self-Confidence
Accepting failure is easier said than done. We often choose to avoid risks rather than allow ourselves the opportunity to fail. How do we get to the point where we are able to accept ourselves, whether we fail or not? How do we learn to love and respect ourselves, regardless of the outcome?
One way to build self-confidence is by proactively doing good without seeking anyone’s approval. Here’s an example I will never forget.
When I lived in New York my kind, sweet husband would shovel the driveway and the walkway every morning before I awoke. I never thanked him for it, but inside, I felt tremendous gratitude.
A whole year went by like this, until one night I said to him, “You know what? I never told you how much I appreciate that you shovel the driveway. It means a lot to me.”
My comment was met with a blank expression.
“I don’t shovel the driveway,” my modest husband replied.
“Come on, just admit it!” I laughed.
He just shook his head. “No, it really wasn’t me. I thought it was you!”
“What’s going on here?” we wondered together. “Who’s shoveling for us?”
It turns out that it was our 60-year old neighbor! This kind man was secretly shoveling our driveway every single morning. I used to say hello to him daily, but he never mentioned his actions once. He simply performed an unrecognized act of kindness for us.
This type of anonymous act, when performed regularly, builds self-esteem. You don’t get any accolades. “Oh, Jessica, you’re so sweet!” You won’t get approval and validation from people, or a nice write-up in the paper. Instead, something strange will happen. You will start to intrinsically feel better about yourself. Your own opinion of yourself will matter more than any compliment or show of gratitude.
We live in an age where if we don’t publicize an event, it’s as if it didn’t happen. If you go out with a friend and don’t immediately post a picture on social media, it’s like that moment did not exist. We crave constant validation, even for the most mundane activities. ‘Likes’ on Facebook replace true self-esteem – the kind we must work for.
When you do anonymous acts, the focus shifts to the relationship that really matters: the one between you and God. These acts can be anything. Sending flowers anonymously to people battling cancer. Baking to recognize another’s efforts. You don’t even have to spend money! It doesn’t have to be enormous – sometimes the smallest deeds are the most meaningful.
When No One is Watching
When I was in high school, there was an auditorium that we had to walk through to get to another wing of the school. One day, as I was walking through the empty auditorium I saw another student, Mark, who had no idea that I was there, bend down and picked up a piece of stray garbage, putting it into the trashcan before exiting. I still think about this moment and smile. Mark has no idea that I saw him that day, or any knowledge of his act’s lasting impact on me.
Who are you when you think no one is looking? That’s the real you. And that’s what self-confidence is about. Not caring or needing approval from others. Walking down the street, knowing that you are who you are – no matter what anybody else thinks.
As you go out into the world, allow yourself room to fail. Then immediately follow up failure with an anonymous good deed. Before long, you will start to see yourself through God’s eyes – perfectly imperfect, kind-hearted, and always ready to grow.
This state of mind will set you free.
Dedicated for the complete recovery of Meir ben Shlomo
(25) Anonymous, October 18, 2020 2:20 PM
Such great and much needed advice, thank you!
(24) Henry Afamefuna Ilona, May 23, 2018 1:33 PM
Thank You For The Priceless Wisdom.
Thank you so much for this timeless advise, you just spoke to me and I am blessed.
(23) Anonymous, April 30, 2015 11:58 PM
Nicely said.
(22) Anonymous, April 29, 2015 6:24 AM
Beautifully said! Keep them coming!
(21) Harry Pearle, April 27, 2015 2:33 PM
Mixed Feelings on Failure (TEDVideo 'On Being Wrong')
I have mixed feeling on this approach to failure. People are prejudiced. We all are. If someone makes a mistake he or she may be judged very harshly. Sometimes we forgive and sometimes we do not. Some mistakes we can cope with and others, we cannot........There is a funny TED talk on being wrong from Kathryn Shulz: http://www.ted.com/talks/kathryn_schulz_on_being_wrong
(20) Anonymous, April 27, 2015 1:56 PM
try to live this way since a teenager
Tried to live this way, 60 now, since a teen
(19) Anonymous, April 26, 2015 3:58 PM
Thanks so much for sharinf
Such insightful and encouraging words, and what a lovely neighbour !
(18) Anonymous, April 26, 2015 3:30 PM
So Needed!
Thank you so much for this article! It's EXACTLY what I needed to hear and learn about right now. I really appreciate the ideas and thoughts!
(17) Rochelle, April 23, 2015 11:13 AM
Brilliant
Sarah, thank you for your clarity and inspiring examples. In the midst of unfortunate occurrences or "failures," we have to remember we are never alone. We are who we really are when no one is watching but the truth is, Hashem is always watching and although a challenge may arise where we feel we weren't successful, it most likely is an opportunity for growth, emunah, bitachon. Fall down seven, stand up eight. Thank you so much Sarah!
(16) anonymous, April 22, 2015 6:22 PM
inspriring
Thanks so much for writing this article on how to build self confidence and diminish fear of risk and failure . This will help me build the ME I truly want to be and help me guide my children in the correct path .
(15) Shani K, April 22, 2015 2:04 PM
Very Enlightening Article
I really enjoyed reading what the author had to write. It was written in a way that many of us can relate to, and I very much connect with the central theme, as well as the underlying lessons presented here.
I believe that one of the most impactful ways that we can truly accept ourselves is by finding our self love and fulfillment from within. That allows us to pick ourselves up and become more authentic, genuine and kind individuals, since we have our internal locus of control.
Thank you for another dose of inspiration!
(14) Anonymous, April 22, 2015 11:20 AM
Beautiful! So true
(13) Rachelle, April 22, 2015 4:33 AM
What a great article! So simply stated, yet such an important concept. It's so true that being a perfectionist could actually lead one to fall short of her potential if it deters her from taking on risks. I also love the idea of building confidence and self- identity through the action we take when nobody is watching. Brilliant :)
(12) Shira, April 21, 2015 10:22 AM
Failure is indeed a great tool when put in perspective and used as opportunity for growth. Thank you for the reminder, and for an inspirational piece.
(11) RGross, April 20, 2015 3:45 PM
Very important message given over well!
BS"D
Lots of clarity in this article about letting go of the fear of failure. As an experienced teacher, I once headed a summer camp at synagogue and couldn't accept some of the improv fun like campers throwing water balloons. I realized that, although I had confidence as a teacher, I wasn't successful as a camp director.
At the close of summer, I said to my friend, Rebbetzin Miriam Feldman, "I failed at this."
"Good," she replied, "Now you don't have to be afraid of failure."
Thank you Sarah, for your important message in an interesting, well-written article!
(10) Anonymous, April 20, 2015 7:21 AM
Amazing Article! Thank You.
Thank you for yet another article that is so easy to relate to! You have a tremendous ability to weave the lessons of the Torah into daily life, always giving the audience something to take home with them! The story of the snow shoveling was particularly powerful; many of us go an entire lifetime not expressing proper gratitude, especially to the ones that we are closest with! Truly inspiring how you self introspect and actually act on that introspection.
(9) Brooke, April 20, 2015 6:44 AM
Just what I needed this week!
Thank you for your insight.
(8) Anna, April 20, 2015 2:08 AM
Beautiful article and such an important reminder in a world that is so focused on external success! Thank you Sarah!!
(7) SusanE, April 20, 2015 12:43 AM
What else isn't clear in the marriage?
It's revealing that each of you thought the other was doing the shoveling for an entire winter season.... every single day, and never offered to help each other with the work load. Not even a mention or a thank you. For a whole year? wow, that is a failure to communicate.
Especially the husband thinking the wife does it.. She was still in bed when he left the house, When did he think she shoveled?
Who did it last year? Something isn't quite right about the article. The story focuses on an act of kindness, but the real failure in the story is about not showing your spouse appreciation.
(6) Anonymous, April 20, 2015 12:11 AM
Beautifully written!
(5) Zsolt, April 19, 2015 11:35 PM
duality
This article perfectly demonstrates the beautiful duality in Jewish wisdom.
As long as we keep our intention, tendency right, on the path of unconditional giving, loving, performing "good deeds" without waiting for reward or feedback, it does not matter if we fail or succeed, as our writings say, "...there is no righteous in the land who did not sin..."
Moreover without failing we would not even know what success is as without bitter we would not know sweet.
Thank you for the article!
(4) Anonymous, April 19, 2015 9:45 PM
Inspiring article!
(3) es58, April 19, 2015 8:12 PM
totally random response
you wrote: "I saw another student, Mark, who had no idea that I was there, bend down and picked up a piece of stray garbage, putting it into the trashcan "
I recently saw a quote about failure which in essence said: it takes a very small success to wipe out a big failure.
I was once feeling quite depressed, was outside by the garbage cans, found a piece of garbage, tossed it as if it was a basketball shot. It went into the can. I felt this sudden lift/surge "yes!". And at that moment realized that depression/failure must really not be the big thing we think it is, if something so insignificant could knock it off it's perch so suddenly.
Also, years ago, heard Miriam Adahan point out, even a person who was just in rage can hear the phone ring and calmly answer "hello".
Are these emotions, rage, depression, sense of failure, just illusions?
(2) Rena, April 19, 2015 3:57 PM
Reading this author helps me understand the essence of life.
(1) Tally, April 19, 2015 3:49 PM
So true! Thanks for the encouraging words!