In the middle of the night my mother softly woke me. “C’mon, sweetie. Let’s go.”
I yawned while rubbing my eyes. “Where are we going, Mommy?”
“Vacation, remember? Hurry, we need to make the flight.”
Every year, my mother took my two sisters and I to Virginia for the summer to visit my grandparents. My father never joined us. Looking back, this isn’t necessarily normal, but it was what I knew.
But this time little did I know we were never coming back. That moment would be the last time I would see my friends, my room, my toys, or my father for 15 years.
I've blocked out most of my horrific experiences but a few scenes are etched into my memory forever. When my mother was pregnant with my youngest sister, my father took her by the neck and choked her, lifting her feet off the ground. Terrified and hiding in the closet, I watched him choke my mother until she nearly died.
One Friday, my mother was finishing the cooking in the kitchen. My father became inexplicably angry and started throwing all the food in a rage. That Shabbos we had no cooked food to eat.
Another time, my father was playing dominoes with me. He started lining them up and when my elbow slipped and knocked one domino onto the floor, he beat me.
These are only a few memories that have penetrated the deepest recesses of my mind. My mother would try to physically protect us, and I recoiled as he retaliated against her. I saw him punish her severely for small infractions during everyday life.
My mother made an executive decision to extract us from this abusive reality. In doing so, she exhibited tremendous self-sacrifice to ensure our safety.
My parents officially divorced and my father disappeared into a distant memory.
At every birthday thereafter, I blew out my candles and made a wish that my father would come back. But what I was wishing for was a fantasy. I didn’t mean my father, but a father who would love me unconditionally and be part of my life.
One might think my life circumstances would leave me bitter and angry. But thank God, I am well-adjusted and married, with three beautiful children of my own. I have a successful career and lead a happy life, even during Covid-19!
People often ask me how I manage to maintain a positive attitude after experiencing trauma. Here are some of the tools that have helped me.
Accept Help and Express Gratitude
One of the hardest lessons I learned was to humble myself to receive. I learned how to accept emotional and financial support from others. The school helped my mother with tuition, and various community members stepped in to help my mother pay for doctor and dentists bills. My family saw God's guiding hand with both small and large miracles throughout our journey.
My childhood was laced with “strange” occurrences in the form of acts of kindness or money. Special people 'randomly' appeared throughout my childhood at exactly the right moment.
Once, when I was driving at night with two friends and my gas tank was completely empty, my car began sputtering and stopped in its tracks. My phone had died and I didn’t know what to do. We were on a hill and slowly rolled the car down, hoping to reach a main street to ask for help. Within moments of reaching the road, a tow truck drove up behind me and stopped, asking if we needed help. He happened to have a portable tank of gas, which he gave us that night.
My best friend sometimes says to me, “Bracha, please just pray for me because I know God makes miracles for you.”
Although I didn’t have a real father present in my life, I did – and still do – have God, the ultimate Father, right by my side. God is always there, even in tough times, offering help exactly when we need it. Learning to lean upon God enabled me to feel supported, loved, and connected throughout my life. When I started writing down these miracles and instances through a gratitude journal, I realized that recognition helps that moment's joy last.
You Own Your Happiness
You own your happiness and no one can take that from you.
I try my best to focus on anything positive, and sometimes I have to fake it. I've come to learn that if I merely put a smile on my face, then God gives me more reasons to smile.
My mother served as a role model of positivity which I try to imitate. She could have easily succumbed to depression. When she left my father, my mother had three children under seven and she was suddenly alone.
Instead of falling to despair, she created her own happiness. Every day my mother lavished us with love, affection and attention. Several times a day she would tell us how much she loved us. When we walked in the door her face lit up. She played music in the house and filled the house with laughter. We knew from her actions we were the light of her life. As a family, we focused on our new life. If we could manage to create happiness during that crisis, then I can certainly create my own happiness in daily challenges.
Choosing Connection
When I think about the happiest moments in my life, the common thread is connection: connection to oneself, to another human being, or ultimately to God Himself.
After accepting my father’s absence, I promised myself to focus on the connections I do have because choosing connection translates into living an overall happy, fulfilled life. Initially with my mother and siblings, and after marriage, extending to my husband and children.
When facing difficulty in a relationship, we can choose to connect or disconnect, relationship or estrangement. Connection means sometimes I have to hold back from saying something hurtful, or apologizing even when I don’t feel like it. But the joy I experience from renewed connection outweighs the difficulty in the moment.
These are all helpful strategies, but when reality hits, we won’t always come out on top. I’m not always happy! I struggle, like everyone else. Releasing the pressure to be perfect is another important ingredient to attain happiness. When we accept help, create our own happiness, and choose connection, we can ultimately overcome anything life brings our way.
The author is using a pseudonym.
(11) Anonymous, July 16, 2020 6:59 PM
How old was your father last time you saw him?
How old are you now, and how old was your father last time you saw him? The reason I am asking is, because I am recently turned 33 years old. And my father was 33 years old when he died in a car accident. That means that all the abuse and all the "wonderful" parenting that I remember all my memories of my big father are up until this age.
I feel very small and young today, davening every day I shouldn't make mistakes with my kids. I am going to parenting classes, I am in therapy and I have a functional family.
Even if my father felt perfect, he was not. But in my mind he is my big father and if he beat me because I am clumsy, or slow I feel forever slow and clumsy....
It gave me a lot of perspective to turn his age. Our parents aren't perfect. They make mistakes. It is them and not us. It is his impatients and not my childishness.....
(10) Patricia, July 16, 2020 8:20 AM
Very encouraging. Thank you for writing it.
Very encouraging. Thank you for writing it.
(9) Fran Kemmer, July 16, 2020 5:13 AM
What a beautiful, wise gift to us all?An Absolute knowledge of Spiritual power !
(8) Anonymous, July 14, 2020 7:44 PM
Tell Bracha That Her Father Was Probably Psychotic-He Needed Medication
Hi,
Partly since my brother has been a psychologist for 40 years, and a course I recently took with R Aryeh Nivin on negativity, it appears to me that Bracha would feel much better about her live, and be able to forgive her father, on some level, if she knew he had a physiological-medical-mental illness problem such that with proper medication, he would never have acted how he did. They would reduce a lot of the pain and hurt she feels. Any mental illness group could explain the situation to Bracha if she'd speak it over with them Rav Nivin happens to have some particular tools to get rid of anger and hatred that could also be very useful. But first, realize it was a medically-induced problem. Please pass this on to Bracha or the author of the article to share with her. Thanks---up to you whether you thing you should publish my comment-but of course without my name
(7) Anonymous, July 14, 2020 7:01 PM
using a pseudonym
I was relieved to discover that Bracha is a pseudonym. Not everyone would have the sensitivity not to reveal their identity, and to do so would probably be an infringement of Jewish law.
(6) Lanre Odunlami, July 14, 2020 3:19 PM
This is fantastic , powerful and encouraging. reading it rekindles my connection with God.
Thanks for this article.
(5) Marlene Josephs, July 14, 2020 2:45 PM
Kol HaKavod
What an inspirational story! Thank you for sharing and for making the rest of us THINK about our own issues and how to handle them in a more positive light...and to ALWAYS keep HaShem in our thoughts and hearts...because He IS our Ultimate Father!!!
(4) Anonymous, July 14, 2020 2:15 PM
Forgiveness and rapprochement
If your father sought your forgiveness, if he had changed and was now the man that you had needed your father to be, would you be able to forgive him and connect to him? Would you allow your children to have a connection with their grandfather if he sought that relationship? Was there anything good your father did?
Anonymous, July 14, 2020 3:01 PM
Clarification
Thank you for your comment and questions. To clarify, this is not my (Sarah Pachter) story. Bracha was very brave to share her story and I was honored to merely write it up. She serves as an inspiration to all.
(3) Anonymous, July 14, 2020 2:02 PM
G-D makes miracles for you?
Thank you for sharing your story and I admire how you have dealt with these past issues by making your life a positive one.
Sarah Pachter, July 14, 2020 3:00 PM
Bracha's Story is inspirational
Thank you for your comment. I (Sarah Pachter) can attest that Bracha Kessler* is one of the happiest people I know. She is an inspiration to me and many others for her strength.
(2) Anonymous, July 14, 2020 1:32 PM
Thank you
Thank you for sharing your experience. I am sure it will help others.
(1) Anonymous, July 12, 2020 11:17 AM
Re: Abusive fathers
I had originally planned to say something else, but instead let me say I am EXTREMELY heartened by how the author has come through her trauma. Stay healthy and safe!