Like it or not, life is full of disagreements and disagreeable people. The Mishna in Ethics of the Fathers sheds light on how to deal with people who can or have wronged us:
Nittai of Arbel says: Keep far from a bad neighbor, do not become connected to an evil person and don't ever give up on the notion of reward and punishment (Ethics of the Fathers, 1:7).
This Mishna is offering advice on three different levels of dealing with unsavory people.
The first and optimum choice is to avoid them altogether – "Keep far from a bad neighbor." Some people we cross paths with are simply bad news, negative and toxic. The best advice is to try to completely avoid them. As I often tell my kids, “Nothing good can come from this." If you see a guy driving erratically on the highway, don't try and teach him a lesson, don't flash your lights or try to box him out. Let him go on his way and keep your distance so you don't get hurt by the collateral damage of his recklessness. Don't engage such people because "nothing good can come from this."
Every morning we say an important prayer: May it be Your will, My God and the God of my forefathers that You spare me today and every day from brazen and shameless people, from a bad person, a bad associate and a bad neighbor... from a difficult trial and a harsh litigant...
When it comes to being sued, very little good can come from it. Often when it comes to trials, court cases and the like, the best we are trying to do is get back to zero and limit the negative fallout. Nothing gets into the positive side of the scale in these situations and this is what this prayer and the first part of the Mishna are getting at: first and foremost we should do whatever we can do keep these people from entering our lives, including praying for it.
Unfortunately we can’t always avoid negative and toxic people. They may be family members, co-workers or your next door neighbor. That’s when the second statement of the Mishna comes into play. "Do not get connected to an evil person" is telling us that for those harmful people we cannot escape from, we need to keep our relationship with them to a bare minimum. Be cordial, be businesslike, don't look to pick a fight, and don’t do anything social with them unless forced to because of circumstances, and as the Mishna says, do not befriend or connect with them. You might have to share space with these people, but keep your distance emotionally and mentally.
And finally we have the third statement of the Mishna that, at first blush, does not seem to fit in: “Don't ever give up on the notion of reward and punishment.” The Mishna is addressing the situations when we can’t separate from bad people and, try as we might, they are in our lives and have had their negative impact on us. We are the victims of someone else's bad behavior, bad decisions, evil designs and the like. We have suffered financially, emotionally, materially or physically from the rotten choices of rotten people. No matter how much we would have preferred to avoid them altogether (Mishna statement 1) or kept it to a minimum (Mishna statement 2) sometimes it’s a sad fact of life that other people's garbage stinks up our lives.
So what are we to do? Hold a grudge forever? Jewish tradition tells us that there is a God, there is Ultimate Reward and Punishment and that we should never lose sight of that fact. What goes around comes around; measure for measure is built into the fabric of Creation and the righteous will eventually prosper while evil withers. away.
We can see that on a national level where our enemies have disappeared to the trash heap of history while the Jewish People continues to grow strong and successful. The same is true on an individual level; eventually the good guys come out on top and the toxic negative people will self-destruct.
If we have suffered injustice, it will be addressed. Maybe not this year, maybe not next year maybe not in 10 years - but it will, if not in this lifetime, then certainly in the next. And if it's any consolation, how often have we seen situations where someone did something terrible to us, we ended up hating them at the time but then years later, in retrospect, we saw the good come out from this.
Life is not perfect and unsavory people insinuate themselves into our lives. Stay away if you can, keep them to a minimum if you cannot and when all is said and done don’t forget that there is a just God who never forgets the evil done to you by another. Take a measure of comfort in that.
(19) Mitch, February 19, 2020 9:54 PM
Thank You
I am still relatively new to Judaism. This article made me cry because I have been searching for an answer as of what to do with a family member in my life who abused me. It's just good to finally know what I am truly suppose to do a out the situation, and I know longer feel conflicted.
(18) Etz-Simcha, January 25, 2020 9:03 PM
Thank you for excellent and thoughtful dvarim
Todah rabbah from Canada, Rabbi Nightingale, for this dvar. What jewishly lucid and vigorous practical teaching about a notoriously opaque quagmire in our lives! Just what i needed to think about right now, at a time when i’m still unhappily mulling over the implications of having been felt obliged to resort to R. Nightingales mishna 1 as well as mishna 2 recently at my shul (which is a deeply upsetting variation on Rabbi’s theme). What other torah pertains where the difficult interpersonal situation or difficult person concerns our kehila and the honoring of shabbat shalom in and around shacharit, kiddush, etc. ? Beyond that, I think a thorough discussion probably would and should include at least some reflection on situations in which we ourselves have been someone else’s difficult person - or so i imagine Hillel might have intended, at least tacitly...not that we necessarily feel inclined to do this when we are actively experiencing the upset and disequilibrium difficult people an influct - even at synagigue.
(17) M.J. Rimmer, October 21, 2018 5:17 PM
This was very helpful
Enormously helpful. This is how I believed as a child. Clearly I need to return to those beliefs, and I thank the author for a very helpful piece of writing.
(16) Mazwan Mohamad, April 13, 2018 3:56 AM
I am Toxic
How to change become someone better. I feel that I am the toxic guys. I am selfish. I use hate words. I am ugly but always to feel better by telling other's is ugly. Then I have a bunch of toxic friends too. Should I leave them?
(15) HB Long, March 10, 2018 3:34 PM
Good article but..
What about dealing with Very Irritating People who likes to follow you where ever you do because he likes to drill into your nerves despite your effort to avoid a confrontation?
(14) Katherine G. Levine, March 7, 2018 3:41 PM
An added thought
Left out, and I know it is Torah based, is the concept of not doing to others what you would not want done to you. To me this means not withdrawing coldly from toxic people; even when it is necessary to keep your distance, you can stay kind and compassionate. Toxic people are hurt people, reacting all the worse ways, but still hurting people. Besides being kind and compassionate nourishes your good as well as theirs.
Jane, January 11, 2021 8:02 AM
Be compassionate
I couldn’t agree more! I agree with parts of this article, but I feel like it missed the mark overall. It doesn’t feel like a Jewish approach. I have a brother who is terribly toxic but cutting him out of my life would be heartless and selfish. You are so right that toxic people are hurt people. They need love and compassion perhaps more than others. Abandoning them to stew in their own anger and negativity will only cause them more pain. I think the article started to make a good point about emotionally distancing oneself from toxic people, but it’s more about understanding that the toxic person isn’t making a personal attack on you. Rather it’s about understanding that their behavior is a reflection of their pain. We need to be kind to one another and not abandon loved ones, especially when they need it most.
(13) Aviel, March 6, 2018 9:08 AM
a response based on faith alone.I agree but not a shred of evidence
"If we have suffered injustice, it will be addressed. Maybe not this year, maybe not next year maybe not in 10 years - but it will, if not in this lifetime, then certainly in the next. "May be but seems to me just as likely that it's a tikun for mistakes that we as individuals or part of the Am have done or not prevented when we should have, and in big picture reality have not suffered an injustice at all.
Anonymous, March 20, 2018 2:20 PM
Injustice.
If this is true then why does Israel fight for it's existence?? According to you Israel has suffered no injustices.
(12) Anonymous, March 6, 2018 3:19 AM
Great article!
Well written and very helpful!
(11) Anonymous, March 6, 2018 2:12 AM
A different take on the meaning of reward and punnishment
Regarding this: "don't ever give up on the notion of reward and punishment" - I find that inspiring, not out of happiness that my enemies will one day be punished by Hashem - that doesn't make me happy - but because I will receive reward for having dealt with the difficult people I had no choice but to deal with. In other words, I prefer to focus on the REWARD that I get rather than on the PUNNISHMENT they will get. As terrible as my enemies have been, I'm sorry, I don't feel joy at the thought that they will suffer in the next world. And perhaps they won't - we don't know why people act the way they do - perhaps they have been abused and are compulsively compelled to abuse others and we can't understand their nisayon. I prefer to believe that the toxic people in my life act toxicly because they have issues - and I'm sure Hashem factors that in when meeting out reward and punnishment.
(10) Anonymous, March 5, 2018 10:26 PM
Very inspiring but..
Unfortunately Im in a situation with a family member who is also literally my downstairs neighbor. Im stuck in the moment and do my best to keep distance and avoid whatever I can. I have emunah that HaShem will take care of my family. Its been 2 years in this situation even if it takes 10 years to see justice I can wait. But to see things change in another lifetime how am i supposed to accept that? Yes I am human and limited it is in this human lifetime that Im in this situation, why would my neshama have to wait another life for justice to "play out" and in my current lifetime I wouldn't see it? I struggle with the fact that possibly Im even in this situation to correct something for my neshama... I just drive myself into circles if I over think it.
Bunny Shuch, March 7, 2018 4:36 PM
Don't overthink it!
Once when I was stuck in anger against a toxic person who had caused harm, a friend told me that obsessing over this person was like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die. I think you know the answer: don't overthink it. Try to let it go for your own sake. And if it's possible, find a way to move to a different place!
(9) Tonna, March 5, 2018 7:07 PM
Thank you
I have been practicing this for a number of years regarding some family members...at least for me, I feel much better. The toxicity still remains, but I do not have to be there to be a part of it. Thank you for this article! Tonna
(8) Nancy, March 5, 2018 2:54 PM
This article needed to be written
I will no longer put up with toxic individuals. If I am forced to interact with this type of person, I will of course behave in a polite manner. However, I much prefer to surround myself with mentally healthy and positive people.
(7) Mordechai Cohen, March 5, 2018 2:07 PM
very nice!
a beautiful insight into the mishna (and how all 3 sections of the mishna interconnect), and the toras chaim to be learned from it. Yashar Koach!
(6) Leigh, March 5, 2018 12:23 AM
It Is Best to Avoid Toxic & Negative People
Indispensable tips on managing negative & toxic people! Particularly the reminder that it is OK and best to avoid them unless special circumstances force you to interact with them!
(5) Anonymous, March 4, 2018 7:46 PM
A gift from above
I up this morning with hate in my heart for the people in my apt. building who have treated me badly (robbery and bullying). This has been going on for years and I stay away from them but the fact is I see them all the time and the hate continues. It is a constant battle within myself. Then I open my email and see this article which confirms what I know but need to hear all the time.
(4) Maria Dodoc, March 4, 2018 7:26 PM
Thank You!
(3) Abagail, March 4, 2018 5:15 PM
Gratitude
Toda Robah/Thank you So Much! I truly needed this encouragement, Today! It is deeply appreciated. Your G-Dly Sage wise wisdom that apply to every day life, is priceless! Ani Ahavah&Ani Shaalu Shalom Yerushayliem Yisrael, The Capitol Of Israel Forever & Home Of My Heart with My Life! Ahavah Achuti Abagail
(2) Lexus B., March 4, 2018 4:10 PM
Words of comfort for my shattered heart.
Recently my neighbours sued us in court regarding a property boundary dispute. They were arrogant and unkind since we moved next door. Truly toxic people. This is unfortunate because they have been blessed with a good life, a beautiful home, wealth, a very comfortable retirement - everything.
Their hostility towards us knew no bounds. For 7 years they pursued us relentlessly - even videotaping us 24/7 - with cameras focused on my property. They also knew that we were not financially secure but sued us anyway instead of resolving the matter amicably. Their shouting words to us were, "we'll make you pay!"
And they have. Now they have my land and are getting costs which could be upwards of $60K for a strip of land worth perhaps $800.
I never want to inflict harm or ill will on others. Yet this event has caused untold mental anguish and financial distress which has devastated me. Why did G-d let this happen to me?
Why did these unkind and selfish people have no heart to simply let us live peacefully on my property?
They essentially stole my legally owned property and they will live happily after. Yet I will continue feeling the emotional suffering and financial repercussions for years to come.
I am so happy to have read these helpful thoughts today. Perhaps they will still my heart.
Blessings.
L.
Leah, March 5, 2018 1:19 AM
Hang in there
May G-d bless you with the ability to withstand this trying time. I simply cannot imagine.
Annie, March 5, 2018 2:53 AM
Go bankrupt.
Why should these evil people have your land and money ? If you are legally bankrupt, they can't do anything and will have to pay the cost themselves.
Anonymous, March 5, 2018 7:48 AM
I feel for you for this horrible experience. Emotional pain and stress to me seems worse than physical pain and I hope that you may be comforted, heal and feel good again soon.
(1) Anonymous, March 4, 2018 3:53 PM
Powerful and beautiful article.
Wow, very powerful. I believe it's all true, and I'm grateful I'm connected to the source of ultimate truth. Life throws us many people, and many situations, that threaten to tear us down. Thank G-d for G-d.