I am expecting my first child. My two-bedroom apartment is stuffed with things we do not use or want. Browsing the web, I discover this new breed of people called minimalists; they own three pairs of shoes and four plates in total.
Inspired, my nesting instinct takes over and I throw away a huge number of things, and the image of an orderly, tidy home becomes my dream. The problem is that I am naturally disorganized, with zero clue how to create the order I crave.
Our family blessedly grows, and with it, the amount of stuff we own. We move into a bigger apartment; still there is never enough room.
The solution is clear: I need outside help. I hire professional home organizers. My heart sings when they leave, but a week later we are back to chaos.
I make peace with my limitations, but never stop yearning for a home where everything has a place and finding my keys is not a daily ordeal.
Kids’ clothes of all sizes and seasons pile up, I can never get on top of them. I am not ready to give them away, as our family is still growing, but I am drowning.
My clothes are no different. Clothes from before I got married and clothes that fit me in high school waiting in hope they would fit me again. The kitchen is the same. Just-in-case oversized platters. A never-used electric meat slicer given to me by my mom.
I turn to my old friends, the minimalists, but this time I am annoyed. The blogs seem to compete in the need to own the least number of things. It feels like a religion.
Marie Kondo is different; there’s no preaching but a lot about how to fold and store socks so they feel loved.
I have all but given up until my sister tells me she “marie kondoed” all her clothes. I am intrigued. Who is this Marie Kondo? I buy her book. She’s different; there’s no preaching but a lot about how to fold and store socks so they feel loved.
Marie Kondo doesn't dictate how many dresses are acceptable to own, or the ideal number of newborn vests (infinite if you ask me).
Instead, she encourages you to only keep things that "spark joy".
With renewed zest, motivated by the fact that I was expecting baby number four, I spring into action.
I yank out the luxurious tree-green curtains, which been stuffed in a cupboard for three years. Joy sparked? No. They spark only irritation of the space they take up. I smile gleefully as my neighbor lugs them home, not believing her luck.
That massive awkwardly shaped glass bowl is dispatched to my mom who entertains huge crowds regularly. Brand new shoes which are a bit too tight go into the charity box.
With each item, I get bolder, braver, more liberated. In the stealth of the night, I give away wooden peg puzzles and developmental stacking toys and beading activities. Our kindergarten is thrilled and my children are none the wiser.
I relish in my newfound freedom.
Until I start looking around and despite having rehomed half my household, my home does not match the joy-sparked homes I was envisioning. Instead of joy I feel let down and disappointed.
Without realizing, I am pursuing the Instagram images that are all the same: pristine spaces with a few books artfully placed alongside one perfect orchid, in neutral color schemes. It is beautiful, calm, and serene.
Compared to these images, my space sparks little joy. No matter how much I throw away, I can’t hide the worn couch with stains or the kitchen sink piled high with dishes from Shabbat.
I ask myself: what would spark joy? Would I really be happier eating out both Shabbat meals, with the house looking just as clean on Friday afternoon, with the white tablecloth unwrinkled and unused, free of grape juice spills and chocolate mousse smudges. Would that really spark joy?
Should I ban the kids – and their play dates – from playing inside so there would be no tiny Lego pieces to clean up?
I realize I need to redefine joy.
The sparks of joy I get from my home and possessions are through living and creating with them.
The sparks of joy I get from my home and possessions are through living and creating with them. The spark of joy I get from my couch is from sitting night after night with the children reading stories, learning the Torah portion and discussing the deep and trivial issues that come up in their life.
My cluttered and scratched dining room table evokes joy by playing its pivotal role in the heart of our home where we host Shabbas guests, play Snap, make birthday cards and have our Passover Seder.
Joy is found in watching my five-year-old share his new soccer ball with his younger brother, and my daughter concentrate while she practices her shading skills, with pencil shavings fluttering to the floor. Sparks of joy come through connecting and giving, through working on my kindness and creating a loving home.
Joy isn't about the space we live in but the space within in us.
So Marie Kondo, I beg to differ; owning less is not necessarily going to create the joy we yearn for.
In a few days, we will gather in our sukkah with the wobbly folding table and artwork scribbles from kindergarten. And in that space where the rain will inevitably mar our careful decorations we will celebrate Sukkot – the festival of joy.
It is particularly in the sukkah when we leave our permanent homes and enter a holy space encased in God's eternal love that we experience true joy.
The deepest joy is found specifically when we move out of the safety of our things (however many or few), with no solid roof over our heads, open to the elements.
It is found in our vulnerability, in acknowledging that we are powerless but beloved, and part of the Divine plan which we do not fully grasp but trust is good.
It is found when we look way beyond the concrete through to the stars, realizing that security ultimately comes from connecting with God, basking in the sparks of joy that come through God's loving, sustaining embrace.
(9) Nancy, October 8, 2020 12:39 AM
Minimalism
IMO it seems like this definition is quite fluid. There needs to be balance. However, if you have so much stuff that you can't find anything then you have a problem with daily functioning. Re: Minimalist websites. They are only guidelines. There is no law saying our homes MUST look like what we see on Pinterest!
(8) Anonymous, October 13, 2019 12:10 AM
Interesting
I am new to the website, not Jewish, didnt understand some terms, but loved your point of view about joy. I am a minimalist, but not a radical one. I think the point of minimalism is not being slaves of our stuff. Not all just in case items are really needed (candles and matches for sure, 32 plates or 3 spare curtains not necessarily). All best.
(7) Blair, October 12, 2019 4:32 AM
I find it interesting that the author not once mentioned her husband, is she solely responsible for maintaining the cleanliness of the home?? I she is disorganized, is he too? Why take on this project to declutter your home without involving the whole family to participate? Husband and kids. I find it very puzzling when married women speak as if they live alone or are single mothers. Two adults live in the home, why not involve everyone in the project and conversation?
Esther, October 6, 2020 9:51 AM
The Nesting instinct happens to mothers
It would be really helpful though , If the entire family got hit with such an instinct.
Nancy, October 8, 2020 12:35 AM
To commenter #7 Blair
I agree with you completely. The author mentioned hiring a professional organizer, but it sounds like there was no sustainable plan put into place. What works for one doesn't necessarily work for another person.
(6) Yael, October 11, 2019 8:33 PM
This is a beautiful article
Thanks so much!
(5) Anonymous, October 11, 2019 12:46 PM
You can have both-Joy celebrating holidays and joy with less possessions
Clutter is not a calming state. Shalom Bayit is not having to crawl over things to sit on a couch. Too many shoes, clothes or tschokes detract from the peace we want. We have a beautiful table for Shabbat and Holidays-Are we calmer in a home that has things put away, or one that has papers and stuff end to end? What about those less fortunate? Could they benefit from our excess? It is not as easy to have a clutter-less home with young children, but aren't we to teach our children to take care of their possessions? Study is a value- couldn't we study (Marie or others) on how to have less stuff and more spirituality? Maybe with all the sets of dishes and needs for an observant home, couldn't we ask for help from someone who is able to be observant AND have a home that we could model? I am sure they are out there. Children and adults need a calm and loving home. Less "stuff" is a value to embrace.
(4) Elizabeth, October 11, 2019 9:01 AM
Great article
What a great article! I really resonated with this - and it puts all those minimalist websites in their place, which is, for us, in the realm of fantasy.
Anonymous, October 11, 2019 1:13 PM
"Putting people in their place is not a value for the New Year!
We just celebrated Yom Kippur- We should not be "putting people in their place!" I am sorry you feel that clutter of possessions in the home is acceptable. We ask for help when we have problems. If we have problems with clutter, we should ask for help. "Giving up, or it's how is always been done" is not what G_d wants for us. We help each other put up sukkahs, we help each other with child care- could we also help each other by helping de-clutter our lives? When we have less, we actually can be even more joyous! (more time for study, not as much to clean :) .
(3) Anonymous, October 10, 2019 2:36 PM
Take the best, throw out the rest
You were able to take the best Marie Kondo's teaching offers, and throw out what doesn't fit your needs. It is your own customized Kondo style, and we would all be bettered by joyfully reducing and yet relaxing amidst what remains.
(2) Bracha Goetz, October 10, 2019 2:26 PM
Joyous!
(1) chaya, October 10, 2019 12:14 PM
Incredible article
Thank you for your amazing words !