The silence in my house is refreshing, yet slightly unnerving. Not that I remembered much background noise before pulling the plug on my Facebook account, calling a month's hiatus. Rather, the mental chatter is gone; all the conversations, comment threads, instant messages, and status updates, having generated a nonstop stream of counter-conversations and running commentaries (not the friendly or forgiving kind) in my head, are becoming a distant memory.
It happened quickly. I'd gotten hurt by something someone said or didn't say, delirious from sleep deprivation around 1 am, had lost even more sleep worrying about it, and texted my tale of woe the next morning to a friend, who bluntly responded, "So delete Facebook."
What?
After a stunned pause, staring at the screen, I realized I'd been toying with this idea for a long time. Watching everyone else's relationships unfold right before my eyes, and judging my own relationships by comparing them to others, was crippling, mentally and emotionally. Who's more liked? Who gets more 'likes,' wall posts, and responses to their comments on comment threads? Why do people take such a long time to respond to me, when they're clearly responding to other people? Why did my number of friends go down??
Related Article: Facebook Friends
Why did my number of friends go down?? Why do people take such a long time to respond to me, when they're clearly responding to other people?
The 'what do they think of me' syndrome wasn't the only issue. There was the constant feeling of treading water yet not quite staying afloat: how to keep up with the overwhelming number of interactions, status updates, birthdays, events... was I paying enough attention to x? How many birthdays did I miss? Did I forget to answer y's message? Did I offend z by not mentioning him/her in a post? Or with a snarky response to his/her joke? All this, without facial expressions and vocal inflections to gauge the other person's response, something a coworker called a "disconnect of human emotions."
It's no wonder I was frequently awake until the wee hours of the morning, aware that I had to be alert for work the next day. As a result, I was frequently in a sour mood and wasn't getting along with many people that mean a lot to me. Misunderstandings and arguments erupted, resentments festered, and a general sense of unease permeated many of my interactions.
Looking back at my sleepless nights wandering the empty streets of Facebook, one thing became crystal clear: My ego was having a field day. It's demanding, constricted, and always has to be right. It wants very badly to be liked and to look good. It's never satisfied; a bottomless pit of approval seeking, dependent on everyone's opinion for its self worth and happiness, and therefore a victim of outside circumstances.
In contrast, the soul's voice is quiet, calm, unassuming, open, expansive, and willing to see all sides of the story. It wants to make a difference and to be good for its own sake. It doesn't demand that others behave or react a certain way, and it doesn't need specific conditions in order to be happy. It's content with what is, grateful no matter what the outside circumstances. If it has a desire to change things for the better, it does so, knowing that it's a co-creator of its own life, a partner with God.
Every once in a while, a quiet small voice would remind me of a key lesson I learned: my job was not to be liked, but to make a difference. I clearly got caught up in the 'being liked' trap, which was very disempowering. I was making myself a victim rather than a co-creator of my life.
In social media, you can choose to act from a soul-based perspective, which makes use of all the wonderful benefits Facebook has to offer -- connections, reunions, photos, birthdays, silly videos to cheer people up, and event postings. But if you choose to let the ego run the show, it's not pretty. Facebook was giving my ego a chance to use its every tactic to trip me up every chance it had.
So what have I been doing without Facebook? Meditating. Catching up on lectures. Reading. Hanging out with my nephews and niece, having conversations over bagels and cream cheese, dodging flying objects, and playing hide and seek instead of being transfixed by a computer screen or a Blackberry. Recently I've enjoyed dinners in my sukkah, sometimes with friends (including a new one) and family, sometimes alone with my thoughts or a book. Experiencing real life rather than virtual life. I'm also getting a lot more accomplished.
I'm feeling somewhat disconnected from my 868 contacts.
I'm only two weeks into this hiatus, and truthfully I'm feeling somewhat disconnected from my 868 contacts. But I'm appreciating the face-to-face interactions and the nuances of real conversations.
I assumed I was not alone in this social media preoccupation (I'll even venture to call it a true addiction) phenomenon, but the proof came in an article about social media-induced depression among teens. [ http://www.cbsnews.
If I do return to Facebook, I'll know how to be more balanced about it, using it as a tool rather than a crutch. Either way, I've come closer to experiencing my true self, having been more present in my life and open to real, more meaningful connections. Which is a good reason for Facebook to exist in the first place.
(31) Nancy, April 30, 2018 2:17 PM
Something important to remember
Each week for 25 glorious hours we have the privilege of being technology free. That is no small feat. Also, moderation is the key word here. FB was very precious to me when I learned about the terminal illness of a friend whom I had not seen in a long time. Not too long ago people abused the telephone and wracked up huge long distance phone bills. That was not a sign to get rid of our telephones. It only meant we needed to think about the way in which we use them. We need to think of FB in the same manner.
(30) TJH, November 21, 2014 8:24 PM
RELIEF!!!
I read this article in 2011 when it first was written. I was completely indulged in FB. I thought there was no way I could unPlug from this social phenomenon. 4-years later, it was the best decision I've made in many years. As a FT Server @ WDW in EPCOT, being social "WAS" required, so it seems. We had a group just for our restaurant where we could post shifts to give away, to swap, to pick-up extra shifts, etc.... As a professional server for 33-years, & now @ age 51, my age group was passed up by the computer craze. They were never used in HS or College when I attended, & many of us in my age group, give or take 5-years, constantly are playing catch-up when it comes to computers. Anyway, it's 4-years later, & I've not looked @ FB since I unplugged from it. Twitter has come about & I have no idea, nor do I want an idea of how to use a # on a daily basis. My BP is better. I read the Torah more. I'm more in tune with my partner of 20-years, I've developed space for "ME" time. I just could not be happier!!! THANK YOU for writing this article. By taking it to heart, I've increased the lifespan of my own ❤️!!!! UNPLUG PEOPLE. You'll cherish life so much more!!!
(29) Trott Felipe, October 14, 2013 1:03 AM
I agree.
I just started one and it has been great so far. http://www.brianlaesch.com
(28) Brian Silvey, December 4, 2011 4:41 PM
Afreindectomy
Great Article! I took my own hiatus from it after I posted, "Brian is having major surgery in three days... contact me for details." Four days later, the surgery I mentioned was to "unfriend" (remove the friends from the list) that didn't respond. I called it an "AFRIENEDCTOMY", as recommended by Dr David Pelcowitz, a frequent speaker at Yeshivah University. Luckily, the "procedure" went very well and I am much happier after it. I strongly recommend this same procedure to my fellow Aish friends reading this response.
(27) Chaia Frishman, November 13, 2011 3:14 AM
Wow
So funny that there is even an option to "like" this article. But being that I am too not a slave to FB protocols, I have the opportunity to say how much I "love" your message! Yasher Koach.
(26) Geoff, November 10, 2011 12:49 PM
Thumbs up!
I 'like' this article!
(25) Anonymous, November 9, 2011 3:45 AM
What a relief
the transition from ego to soul consciousness calmly reveals a sublime Oneness... here is to healthy Paradigm Shift
(24) Ronnie, November 7, 2011 12:25 AM
the shocking truth
the truth is, i am one of those "media website depression induced" teenagers, or whatever you'd like to call them. Facebook was and still is ripping my family apart. There is a time in a place when technology is useful, and when it just goes too far and causes a regression amongst communication with one's fellow man or friends. Loved this article. I really related to it because i pulled the plug on MY "news feed" today. I hope to get my life back soon.
Dara, November 9, 2011 4:51 AM
proud of you
you DID take the first step in taking your life back. i'm so glad you read this and did what was healthy for you. i'm really touched, and may you have peace and joy in your life and in your family's lives. blessings, d
(23) Anonymous, November 3, 2011 5:42 PM
Great Article
Very nice article, thank you for sharing your story.
(22) Laya, November 3, 2011 1:24 PM
interesting...
....to see which of my Facebook friends "like" this article! :-) Only blessings!
(21) Alan S., November 3, 2011 12:35 AM
I do not have a FB account, but my wife and children do, so I am familar with it. It is both surprising and saddening to read how some people need FB to validate their self worth.
Anonymous, November 9, 2011 3:56 AM
FB is just a symptom
At root level in this whole matter lies the reality of OCD which has a wide enough spectrum to affect so many otherwise healthy individuals... what is new here is how FB is the latest mechanism for the disruptive cycle in the mind of one suffering a compulsive disorder...
(20) Silky, November 2, 2011 5:05 PM
It is both good and bad
Like most things in life, there is both good and bad about it. I like facebook for the friends that I made. I like it bacause I can keep up with friends and family. It is also easier to reconect with some one after you've been astranged because it isn't face to face. That said, Facebook can be an incredable time waster. I was off FB for 3 weeks while I was on vacation and now I do not intend to spend as much time on it. FB itself helped me because they changed the site slightly and I can't get used to it. All in all, I feel that for me, the good out weighs the bad.
(19) Devorah, November 2, 2011 3:52 PM
expose yourself to rejection
When I send a message via Facebook I know that I expose myself to rejection. When you talk to someone in person they have to reply, keep conversation going even if briefly, but when you send a message the other party always has an option of ignoring it, or being too busy with other things makes you feel ingnored.
(18) Linda, November 2, 2011 5:38 AM
don't like Facebook
I went on Facebook and within a week was inundated with a variety of perfectly nice people. And then I realized I wasn't getting much else done and certainly had not gained any in -depth friendships. I opted out of it and feel more sane as a result. It was good to hear another person's experience.
(17) Anonymous, November 2, 2011 4:37 AM
Limit your friends on Facebook
I've been using FB for about 2 years now. I don't always go on everyday. My only "firends" are family and a few close friends. If my friend total goes above 50 or so, I look for people to delete. I don't read everyone's posts, mainly just my kids and close relatives. We mainly use it for picture sharing. I rarely give a status update. Works for me.
(16) Steve C, November 1, 2011 11:31 PM
Probably best to stay away from Facebook
I opened a Facebook account several years ago but I have probably only used it about a dozen times. I never got used to the site, but now I am aware of just how many people rely on the site for socialization and distraction. It has even become a real addiction for many who constantly go on the site all the long. It almost seems like my previous considerations on whether or not to use Facebook is analogous to a kid who is considering taking an addictive drug for the first time. The kid knows that it is addictive but everyone is doing it and it seems like a lot of fun. That's my number one concern about Facebook - if I start using it regularly will I become another Facebook addict.
(15) Terri, October 31, 2011 10:20 PM
DELETE FACEBOOK?
When I first heard about Facebook, I shunned it for the longest time, then when it CLEARLY WASN'T GOING AWAY, I decided to 'join'. Well three years and almot 600 friends later, I have a love/hate relationship with it. On one hand, I think it's the best thing to ever happen to the internet, hands down. On the other, I know what the aurhor means about being 'jealous' or 'envious' or 'hurt' or 'outcast'......I have been them all.....but this isn't going to go away, it gives ordinary people the emmense opportunity to reach others', that they never would have been able to reach before, we just need to brace ourselves for the ugly truths, when they occassionally 'raise their heads'. Other than that, I think it's wonderful in every way.
Dara, November 2, 2011 1:33 AM
i agree
and i'm scheduled to go back on facebook this week. month's up. and i'll get to see how well i walk my talk.
(14) ray, October 31, 2011 9:44 PM
I "LIKE" it
facebook is the gehinom of the internet. My brief encounter consisted of opening an account, getting time wasting junk from "friends" then promptly pulled the plug and told everyone to email me if they want to contact me.
(13) Aviva, October 31, 2011 1:15 PM
Beautiful!
What a beautifully written, insightful, and moving article! Indeed, action does speak louder than words. Thank you! Best, Aviva
Anonymous, November 2, 2011 1:37 AM
thanks!
and you're welcome!
(12) Alan, October 31, 2011 8:57 AM
New group
I have a group on facebook, it's called "I have no firends on facebook" so far there are no members except me. Mind you, I don't let anyone join!
(11) rivka, October 31, 2011 12:49 AM
comparing marriage is dangerous
when I first got married, I compared my life to my friends who were still single and out partying in a much less responsible way than I was living. I was jealous; I wondered why I was in such a rush to get married and settle down. Eventually, I got more used to marriage and more happy with my life (including my 2 baby girls) but I agree with that you say about unhealthy comparing. Beware. Still not sure if I am gonna delete facebook, though! ;-)
(10) Aish, October 31, 2011 12:35 AM
Get rid of it!
facebook is much more than just a social club without the actual interaction with people. It is in fact a way to keep tabs on the users IP Address on your computer. You see when you create an account with a social media website, you are submitting your IP Address on your computer. Your every move can then be tracked by the social website. This makes it possible for them to place ads on your page that might be of interest to you according to the activity on your computers browser history. One would think, no big deal! However your information is not used so innocently. At any time, the government can subpoena the social website, retrieve your information including your computers IP Address, thus making it possible for the government to spy on your every move. Now, if your a conspiracy believer you know that the government does not even need a subpoena to gather your information. You see, government keeps tabs on web addresses such as prisonplant, stevequayle, and many more conspiracy websites. As these people that visit these sites are called terrorists according to the American government. Every time you visit these sites, the address is held and the govt picks up on it. There is no freedom in the internet. Everything is public....its just made public by easier means through social clubs.
(9) Anonymous, October 30, 2011 10:45 PM
Walking away can be healthy
Dear Alan - sometimes walking away IS healthy. There are some good things about Facebook like finding old friends, but there is also a lot of immature behavior and "hurt feelings" from others. I agree with the author -- there are SO many other positive things I could be doing with my life instead of wasting time on Facebook. Besides, II would much rather enjoy someones company face to face or over the phone rather then posting endless comments to internet space.
(8) Emily L. Armstrong, October 30, 2011 9:40 PM
makes sense to me
I'm sick of facebook and have been for a long time. I don't use it anymore unless someone calls or sends an email that tells me there are photos on it that they know I would like to see. Other than that, forget it.
(7) Henry, October 30, 2011 8:09 PM
Acquaintances or Friends
My mother used to tell us that we'd have less than ten real friends and acquaintances were a nickle a dozen. Real friends will know a very lot about you and still love you!
(6) Tammy, October 30, 2011 8:01 PM
On leaving facebook
I do believe that what started out as useful turned out to be just another trendy fad. I dislike fads so I am not into facebook. I had an account, got rid of it and then started another one for just family and friends and then took a hiatus from that because of a misunderstanding. Now I use it for making comments only as some of the email articles I get are connected to facebook and if I want to comment on them it is the only way I can do so. And you know something, life is just fine without all the other things that facebook involves.
(5) Schmiodile, October 30, 2011 7:01 PM
good article
This is a honest article about what can happen with social media. I also had such a time with a forum when I didn't want to miss anything that happened. But from this forum I now have real friends that I see in real life. We help each other with adivse and with our children. This is how social media can be a blessing to find peers. Also I enjoy messages from family that lives abroad and childhood friends.
(4) Rho, October 30, 2011 6:51 PM
FB
I never joined, nor will I. Yet, I still get spam from them.
(3) Stuart, October 30, 2011 3:34 PM
Question about the the "voice of the soul"
Interesting article. The part about the voice of the ego and the voice of the soul was especially interesting to me. It made me realize that I do not know much about the details concerning the soul. The New Agers have a lot to say about the soul but what does Judaism teach about the voice of the soul? Is there a consensus? I had thought that Jews were meant to praise God, obey his will and his commandments, be faithful to our covenant with Him, be a light unto the nations, etc. In particular, I am wondering does Judaism teach that the soul is a co-creator of its own life and a partner with God or are we, and it, humble servants of God? I and hopefully other readers would benefit from any guidance that is provided about this.
Dara Lifschutz, October 30, 2011 3:56 PM
yes, yes, and yes!
the answer to all your questions is yes. i'm happy to share more about where i learned these concepts, but it was mostly through chassidic thought based classes given by my mentor shifra hendrie. her website is kabbalahoftransformation.com
(2) ALAN, October 30, 2011 1:55 PM
Really ??
As a doctor I would expect a more pragmatic way of dealing with ones addiction other than running away. Facebook is like any other social tool that is out there . You can use it or abuse it. Don't get me started about its wonderful real life applications. Did I mention I met an old friend that I have not spoken too in years and had a chance to catch up and renew my friendship. Or the endless dating opportunities for young singles. So before we get into any rash conclusions lets work on our selves before we work on others.
Dvirah, October 30, 2011 5:38 PM
You Have Proved the Point
You comment just proves the conclusion of Dr. Lifschutz's article - the benefit of the proper use of Facebook. Would you also call AA "running away" because they stop drinking?
(1) Shani, October 30, 2011 12:11 PM
Been off for a year
I have been off of facebook for about a year already and it was one of the greatest gifts that I could have given myself!
Miriam, October 30, 2011 4:22 PM
"been clean" for about a year
I also have "been clean" for about a year. Honestly, my life is less complicated without Facebook. I still get people asking me why I deleted my account, with every reason from playing games online together to sharing photos. If you want to get together, let's play a game face to face! If you want to see the photos of my child or recent family party, just ask! Or better yet, we can look at them when you come over to play a game :)