Rachel was an elegant and well-dressed woman of 43, who consulted me following a bitter divorce from her husband of 15 years. Underneath her dignified exterior lay a thoroughly exhausted woman who spoke of the unbearable pain and anguish of her unhappy marriage.
Yet despite her fury toward the man who she felt had "ripped a sense of safety and security" from her life and that of her three school-age children, Rachel had an awareness we would all do well to internalize. She recognized that blaming her husband for her present misery, no matter how justified and easy to do, would only keep her stuck and impotent. Hinging her emotional well-being on the actions of another person would only leave her feeling like a victim. Rachel knew that she was responsible for healing her own life, and that she alone was responsible for her happiness.
The recognition that a person can choose emotional well-being – even when life doesn't turn out the way we want it – is the cornerstone of mental health. In that sense, Rachel was ahead of the game. She was willing and ready to let go of blame and embrace responsibility for her future. The road to letting go of anger and hurt still stretched before her, enormously daunting because of the deep pain she had been carrying around for years. But Rachel had hope, and she was willing to do the work.
Hanging onto anger doesn't hurt the other person; it hurts us most of all.
Holding onto anger toward another person is like holding a sharp object in the palm of your hand. The harder you squeeze, the more you suffer. If we cast blame, saying, "He makes me so angry" or "She is ruining my life," it's like blaming the sharp object for our pain – when we're the one doing the squeezing! When we let go of anger and resentment, it's like releasing our grip of the sharp object.
Hanging onto anger doesn't hurt the other person; it hurts us most of all.
In my experience as a life and relationships coach, I’ve discovered six steps to letting go of the sharp pain and toxicity of unresolved anger, leading a person to inner peace and emotional balance.
Related Article: Anger Management
Step One: Identify the loss
Have you ever shared a deep pain with another person, and immediately been given advice on how to overcome it? Most of us can identify the resistance we feel when we open up and are immediately told to “look on the bright side” or “think positively” or “try to forgive.” A person has to first be given unfettered opportunity to identify how they have been hurt and what exactly they feel they’ve lost.
For Rachel, it was a relief to simply put into words what she perceived to be her biggest losses: the pleasure of loving and being loved by another person; her children’s challenge to have a normal and healthy upbringing. In this first step, Rachel didn't need to shift her perspective or look at the situation differently; she needed to admit her loss and allow herself to feel it.
Step Two: Allow yourself to grieve
The Jewish laws of mourning are a wise system of graduated grief. In those first stages, the mourner doesn't respond to greetings and he remains at home. It's simply too early to offer comfort when the wound is so fresh.
Letting go of anger is no different. A person needs time to accept that the pain is real and to embrace the health that comes with allowing yourself to hurt for a while. The denial of refusing to grieve – "I am fine! I am strong! I'll get over it!" – is not an indicator of strength.
Step Three: Let compassion replace resentment
There is a saying, "Hurt people hurt people."
Once a person has gone through the first two steps of letting go of anger, they are often ready to do the difficult but liberating work of shifting their perspective. This involves the recognition that people only act very badly when they feel very badly. If someone has hurt you, take a look at their history. No doubt they were deeply mistreated themselves, and the hurtful and infuriating behavior comes from a deep reservoir of personal pain.
When we focus on the bad behavior and what the person did to us, we naturally feel resentment. But by looking beyond the behavior to see the hurt emotionally-scarred person underneath, we can replace resentment with compassion.
Step Four: Forgive
As long as you remain bitter and unforgiving, you're still squeezing the sharp object in your hand, blaming the object for your pain, and forgetting that you are the one doing the squeezing.
Forgiveness does not mean condoning or justifying any misdeeds. It's not rejoining with the offender. It simply means giving up your desire for revenge and letting go of the expectation that s/he will make amends. It's untying the knots that keep you emotionally entwined and prevent you from healing. It's a conscious and deliberate decision, without which a person cannot fully heal.
Step Five: Look for the hidden gems
Everything the Almighty does is out of love, for our ultimate good and for an absolute purpose. Even in this upside-down world with seemingly so much difficulty, we can commit ourselves to looking for jewels behind the pain.
I remember pulling out a crumpled sheet of paper from my daughter's backpack. On the top of the paper, it said "I'm thankful...“ and went on to describe many different challenges we all face, and the hidden blessing underneath. It's a simple but life-transforming formula:
I'm thankful (insert a challenge you are experiencing) because it means that (insert the hidden gem underneath the struggle).
(My personal favorite is, "I'm thankful for my teenage daughter who is complaining about doing the dishes... because that means she isn't on the streets!)
Rachel came up with many hidden gems, and here is one of them:
"I'm thankful for the pain of my divorce... because it helped me understand what is important to me and what behavior I will not accept. It has brought me closer to becoming the person I know I need to be to have a healthy marriage based on mutual respect."
Step Six: Write a letter
The last step in working through anger is to put pen to paper (if that's possible anymore!) and write a letter to the person who hurt you. Most of the time it's better not to send this letter. People who are suffering from a low self-esteem (which most offenders are) are likely to receive these words in an inaccurate and distorted way.
But there's something about spelling out hurts and frustrations that allows you to release the anger. When a person clarifies their loss, and desires to forgive and move beyond the resentment, they often feel an automatic release of the anger that has left them debilitated for years.
Rachel wrote a letter to her ex-husband, read it out loud to me, and tore it up. It was the writing, not the sending (or any expectation of response) that set her free.
We all want to be focused and capable of enjoying our lives. We want to be aware of the Almighty's loving hand, and be grateful for the infinite blessings that He constantly bestows upon us. We want to take pleasure in our children and be effective parents. We want to be an appreciative and loving spouse. We want to be a loyal friend and a productive employee.
But if we are experiencing unresolved anger, we won't be able to live out those values that are most important to us. We'll keep sabotaging those deeper relationships with anger, criticism, negativity or withdrawal.
Inner balance and personal security comes from an absolute commitment to taking personal responsibility for the quality of one's life. This includes the willingness to release any unresolved anger. Anyone, no matter what traumas they may have experienced, has the ability to get there.
(49) Allison, November 10, 2016 2:38 AM
Try reading "The Angry Heart" by Joseph Santoro
If you grew up in a dysfunctional family then you may have anger coming from the fear, resentment and loss of trust that is caused. This book is hard to read, and I don't consider myself to have Borderline Personality Disorder. But to be honest now that I'm finally reading this book (it has sat on my bookshelf for 7 years), it really resonates and helps to explain my anger and what triggers it in my relationship. I am not responsible for what happened to me as a child. But I am responsible for what I do as an adult. It's hard not to overreact from these triggers instilled into me. This is helping explain why they are so strong and all encompassing. If you find this book too intense you may want to use it in conjunction with a therapist. Part of me thinks I should be seeking that help, as it's hard. But I'm just too embarrassed to do that as I live in a small town. I think the awareness of why it is so visceral a trigger will help me, but I will also need to work through the many exercises in the book in my journal to truly solve this. And then eternal vigilance. Good Luck. I feel your pain and wish you well.
(48) Ollie, July 25, 2016 12:06 AM
Excellent article / most helpful.
I've been struggling for weeks trying to rise above the anger. It really was the pain I was avoiding, turned that pain into anger / anger is easier. Your 6 steps are a blessing to me. I felt the anger leaving as I read through the 6 steps. The turning point for me was "hurt people hurt people". Yes. Thank you so very much. I actually feel physically relieved!
(47) Ben, August 30, 2015 7:03 PM
Forgiving myself
My issue is forgiving myself for allowing my children to live with their birth mother. I could not raise them with the rage she displayed. And yet, the only one I could rescue was me. She continued to emotionally abuse them. Now when someone brings up an incident of the pain she inflicted upon them, I still become angry even though the events are 30 and 40 years in the past.
It's true that the hardest person to forgive is oneself. I have to continue to work on it in order to not contaminate current relationships with my children both with her and my second wife. I fear it will be a lifelong process.
(46) Jessalynn, February 23, 2015 5:51 PM
Wow..
"Hurt people hurt people" Those four words... So true
(45) Anonymous, February 13, 2015 12:41 AM
Abandonment
How do we release feelings of abandonment from someone we love and that loves us too. I was left alone to carry a very heavy weight of responsibility simply because I am strong and I could. I lost trust and respect during that duration that I was left alone and want to regain it but can't because ......it simply makes me feel he did not take care of me and he is the one who should protect me . I feel left out to dry.....like he expected me to deal w things and figure it out. I did, I had too for the kids.....but it shifted the picture. I know he loves me but I don't know I can ever believe in us as I once did. Iit makes you question everything.
(44) an angry man, January 29, 2015 11:13 PM
I was born angry
At my age (55) I'll most likely die angry. All the therapy, self help study, medications, family, friends and good intentions continually fail to sooth the rage I so often feel. There's no one to blame. There's no solution. So, I will continue my suffering.
(43) Nat, October 3, 2014 3:51 PM
Easier said than done...
Step Three: Let compassion replace resentment
I don't know how I can be okay with compassion. I feel the people who hurt me so bad got off on inflicting this pain on me. I also feel that they inflicted it on others as well. Part of my pain is I couldn't stop them from harm others and I couldn't save myself. It's been 15 or more years and I'm still hurting and I don't know how or what to do with it. I already had an awful life but with the "abuse" it really was adding salt to the gaping wound.
The others aren't so bad. I've written letters, cried over them and prayed and set them on fire so they could not be sent or read by the wrong people. The scars that are emotional still hurt and haunt my present life. It's not that I try to hold on it's the fact that this has a hold on me. I can try to run away. I even forgiven them. I don't dream of boarding up the entrances off their house and setting it on fire any more.
It just seems grossly unfair that I pick up the pieces and find that the pieces aren't all there any more and I'm not the me that I was nor will ever be. I went to therapists and not one told me they could fix me and drugs won't either. I tried religion... heck some of the people who hurt me claimed to be holy :P and nothing.
That step there might always be do-able. It's hard not to resent those who caused disorders that may out live you.
Anonymous, December 12, 2014 10:54 PM
Wow, this is exactly how I feel. I have read every self-help book, books on forgiveness, therapy, EVERYTHING. I was the happiest person in the world before, no matter the hardships. I feel after what these ppl did to me that I will never be the same again. The pieces are missing. They win, I lose...
T., January 14, 2015 11:05 PM
I don't think the article is speaking about abusive situations. Of course you mustn't feel compassion for criminals. My heart breaks to hear fellow humans describing such heartrending pain. I wish that G-d Himself brings you the comfort you need because your pain sounds so intense and so raw. I'm so sorry for your grief.
(42) Lori, July 9, 2014 9:48 PM
Broken
The steps are good ones, Growing up I never had a childhood. The oldest of 5. My mom worked 3 jobs, and I raised my siblings. Then I was happily married for 15 years, he cheated on me, because he had a computer porn addiction.Left him after 20 years. All that time passed and never had children. Then I started over went to counseling for 5 years. Met a wonderful man who had a Son and daughter.I was very close to our Son until he yelled at me and said ur not my Parent. That made me have to come across this
article, that is very helpful
(41) Jane, June 30, 2014 9:13 PM
Still angry
A great article! I hope it helps me. I have been divorced 24 yrs, have 5 adult children&12 grandchildren. I went thru a nasty divorce with my kids not knowing of some of the hurt. My ex is a compulsive gambler and I lost everything because of it including my home. His love in order is: gambling, Golf, his job, more golf, his kids (when he has time) women he has run around with, and then it was me, when I was married to him. He is extremely narsistic. When I have to attend family functions and he is there with the one that broke up our marriage, I just cringe. I am so angry at him and her. They both knew he had 5 kids and was married, but neither cared.
I worked 3 jobs after the divorce, bought a TH and he still calls me and says "I should have stayed married to you" A jerk? Yes, I am not interested but why am I feeling so much uncomfortableness at family functions. I really dislike going, but if I don't I won't see my children/grandchildren. Any suggestions?
(40) ann, June 25, 2014 5:52 PM
why ?
Altho they are no longer alive , I will never know why my mother and brother hurt me so much from an early age , I have carried hurt ,pain and secrets around me for 49yrs , my fear in life is never letting the anger and bitterness go , but most of all I will never know why .
(39) Krystle, May 26, 2014 8:04 AM
hope
You know when your reading this article and you start crying, you can feel the truth in each word. That somehow, for awhile you have already known this, but was scared of either direction. As I was reading, I felt a little calmer and as I always do, to write things down to remember to try writing letters but not sending them. Its easier to say how u feel on paper because you have no interruption in your speaking to forget because you can take your time in writing. Thank you for this site. I feel more hopeful already.
(38) Shary, May 6, 2014 4:09 AM
Thankful for this article that help me understand what was happening to me.i had a sad argument with my husband and he was full of rage and said horrible things to me :(:( and when we came back no I got silence for the rest of the night yesterday and today(in pain emotionally ,unnable to forgive,dropped ,let it go or forget it,he said he was sorry and I did not deserve his cutting words but I was angry ,in pain ,shut down resented and just today after grieved for two and a half days and crying to god for help because I was so resented and unable to forgive his rage and insults and cursing to me to me I was finally open too do it.i cry scream at him how angry I was for the pain and fear he caused,he refuse to talk but I went trough and finally I was
able to forgive and also ask for forgiveness about my resentment and anger(I was angry because I was insulted ,moc, and threat in his anger.
kim, July 16, 2014 10:51 PM
insulting
I will not be insulted and disrespected, I'm tired jus need find happiness in myself
(37) Anonymous, April 22, 2014 1:18 AM
just what I need
I am known for holding resentments and hurt for a very long time. Since a teenager (I'm 22 now), I was held back the opportunity to express my feelings the right way because my dad would think that is disrespectful. Now it's hurting me in the long run because I would have episodes of outbursts for either the right or wrong reasons. This is something I'm grateful finding because I can use this tool to work on myself.
(36) Toby Jensen, January 18, 2014 11:09 PM
Forgiveness cures anger - first time done!
Congratulations this is the first to about twenty web sites (including a few dozen on Yahoo answers) that clearly states to forgive in order to resolve anger. Forgiveness cures anger, every single time, for everybody. Do it and it works. Pretend to do it and it doesn't work.
(35) WhisperR, November 15, 2013 10:14 PM
Forgiveness is found after thankfulness
It is amazing when we forgive others and pray for them as good as we pray for ourselves the result comes as freedom ! Starting with thankful letter to yourself and to the higher power , then send forgiveness to the universe to all people in the world , I Los send love and happiness to all. Right after that I find some of my wishes come true THE VERY NEXT DAY . TRY IT xoxo
(34) Rich, October 29, 2013 2:01 AM
Dead on advice
My sept daughter recently left to love with the people who have made a life I'd tormenting my wife. She is bipolar, wants 100% no rules and age went where she felt they would let her live without rules. Going to the was the worst possible strike at my wife but this article had a great effect in me. Especially the hurt people hurt people and I was hurting my wife. Read it and think pain really requires thought if you will make your life good again. I am thankful for this help
(33) rosealee, October 29, 2013 12:13 AM
need help
im needing help with my spouse hes the type that bottles everything up and since hes been back from afganistan.when he drinks which isnt alot but when he does and he gets to a certain point hes not him anymore its as if a demon has taken him over and he hates the world always talking about blowing it up and then he will hit stuff break stuff and get incredible strenght and then will shake and fall asleep and he never remember his change he remember everything before he got to that but never remembers when he changes into this other person in range some please help me to help him
(32) TMC, October 16, 2013 6:30 PM
Feeling andxious
Hi, I have been really mad at my self lately. I can say that I know everything I need to do while in a situation and its been numerous of times that I sat down with a friend and gave them my advise. Today am a married woman who is slipping into a road of destruction. I know all am doing wrong but i can't stop, I have fallen into a depression and is like the train am on has no plan to make any stops. I have bottled up years of resentment, hurt, humiliation, self-pity, low self-esteem, separation, failure etc etc. I have just put a smile on my face and didn't do anything about it. I just lived life as a perfect stranger to my on being. I have been over weigh all my life and hated it but I do nothing about it. You would say what is wrong with you get out and go for a walk or run do something, i cry that out to my self every single day of my life but am in my 30s now and I continue in my quest to self destruction. I really can't have this conversation with my friends or family they expect me or think am the happiest person on earth. I want to have children so bad but I married someone that obviously was not very sincere with me before getting marry he doesn't seem to want any. I don't think i can ever handle a divorce but I also don't want to have my children to a dad that originally didn't want them and most of all i don't want to miss out on having a child.
CM, November 10, 2013 4:17 PM
You aren't alone
I know very well the pain of covering up the hurt and sadness. My husband and I are masters of making people think we have a fairy tale love. Bottling it up and stuffing it down inside has only made resentment grow. I feel like it has sort of watered it and tended to it and cause it to grow bigger and stronger.
I too have had many self distructive behaviors, from over eating to not eating, from drinking heavily to verbally abusive tantrums (both drunk and sober). I've had panic attacks and breakdowns. I have never in my life wanted someone to hurt or suffer and now I find that I'm looking to make my best friend of 20 years feel just that. I've become someone I don't like and am now working hard to fix me, if not for my 17 year marriage and 4 kids, then for me, my health, and my safety. No matter what the outcome, my goal is to stop this cycle of pain, hurt, lack of self worth, resentment, and anger.
I can identify with everything you are going through (even the child part as it was a HUGE issue for us for many years). Keep working on you and know that you aren't alone.
Andi, February 13, 2014 8:51 PM
There is always hope and I pray that one day the angels will awaken you and show you the way to your inner peace . All you have to do is pray to them and ask for guidance.
Peace
(31) Jackie, September 28, 2013 12:56 PM
Trying to move on
This article has really struck a chord with me and I'm working hard to go through these steps. I was and am still in love with someone who has hurt me deeply and I've thought I was getting a better handle on situation only to find that I'd slip back into anger, bitterness, resentment and depression and lash out. This article has made me realise I haven't fully addressed and worked through the processes before I can move on to next stage and feel more peaceful and properly move on without slipping back over and over. I'm really going to try and give myself time and work on each step as want to leave these feelings in past for good and really forgive with whole of heart. Thank you for such a clear and helpful article which I'm thankful I've found.
(30) Anonymous, September 9, 2013 2:34 PM
Thanks
My girlfriend of three years told me she liked someone else the other day, so I had to break up with her, it was the only option to me. In this three years, I can honestly say I put everything I had into the relationship. I was so angry that after all this time she clearly didn't respect or appreciate me at all. But then I realised, you know what, she hurt me and it will totally change my life but who's to say it won't be better? Who's to say this hasnt just set me up to go onto better relationships? I realise now I've had a little bit of time to think about it that she didn't deserve me, she wasn't mature enough obviously to be in his relationship and we didn't have that much in common. This would be easy enough for you to think that okay, just move on, but the issue is that we were best friends before we got together and we had such an emotional connection. This article has really helped me to understand I have to forgive, I did nothing wrong and she has already told me only after a few days that she regrets everything wrong she did and she has become constantly miserable, having been on the verge of depression for a few months, I really needed this article to help me get over our failed relationship and make sure I'm there for her again, like I was before when we were best friends so that she doesn't slip into a depression Honestly its been so good to read. Remember things always happen for a reason and you need to get over them even if they hurt you otherwise you will never be happy again Although I am very anti religion this article still helped me
(29) Mary, August 28, 2013 9:55 AM
Time
Your advice is clear and perfectly written. I pray for that inner strength each day to let go of my pain.
(28) Anonymous, August 17, 2013 1:14 PM
STEP 7: Don't fall for it the 2nd time.
(27) Josie, July 24, 2013 4:57 AM
At a crossroad
At the moment i am in a relationship I've been in with a guy for almost 5years. He was my first love, heart break and one of my most loyal friends. I love him so much but i constantly find myself feeling angry at times and resentful towards him because of the things that he's done to me in the past. This resentment has me feeling insecure, drained and sad. But i know he loves me and he's good to me but i question if i still am in love? If it is too late and too much damage has been done or do i just need to do my best to forgive for internal peace and for the beautiful possibility of what our relationship can be. Because i hurt him too so im no saint. Ive done alot of crying lately and dont feel like myself. Goodness i would just love some wholesome advice. Do I let go,forgive, and move on? Or forgive and hold on to this relationship?
(26) suzanne, July 16, 2013 11:03 AM
anger
I still hurt from my spouse living me a year and a half ago for his co worker. Its hard to deal with. I have lots of anger and so does my 9 and 12 year old. I really want to let go of the anger but every time I see them together its a struggle. For Me seeing them together reminds me of how they tore our family apart. It brings back the flood of emontions and the struggles that me and my daughters went through and still go through everyday.
(25) Mark, July 5, 2013 9:13 PM
This is the way!
I miss my X, the good and the bad. It has now been 3 months and she left me for someone else. We had gone through a lot together. The funny thing is this forum was pretty much a confirmation of what I was doing already. Tho I didn't understand HOW to do this and be healthy about it. Now I am at the point of compassion trying to make the transition from resentment. This page confirmed alot for me. Thanks!
(24) Richard, July 3, 2013 2:05 PM
Thank You!
My wife and I are staunch anti theist and have a disdain for religion. While you inject your god into your writing, your advice is written in a way that it is easy to ignore the sup positional credit given a deity. We do not have the outlet of speaking to a pastor for our social issues. Thanks to you and the wonderful technology called the internet we do have a wide variety of help.
Your advice here is succinct and gets right to the heart of the issue without a lot of rhetoric and repeating the same mantra.
Thank you for your efforts.
(23) Samantha, June 16, 2013 12:49 AM
Great article
I think this lays out some specifics and techniques for letting go of anger. I have done with these with an ex and the results are not long-lasting, so I have had to do them numerous times. Living your life and time does help these things pass. I think recognizing the pain and confronting it head on is the best way to overcome these things. You cannot run away from your pain. Seek professional help, find a trusting friend or call a hotline. The best thing we can do is grow from our experiences despite the loss and anger. I also recommend CRY, CRY and CRY!! Don't keep your emotions bottled up, this is the worst thing that you can do.
Best of luck to all of you!
(22) D, June 6, 2013 8:28 PM
What now?
So what I'm looking for information on is trying to let go of anger and hurt to try to make a relationship work. I cannot begin to try to forgive until I can release the anger. How do you put to rest resentment to try to move forward? Can you do this? The other side is trying but I fear it's too late as I'm still so angry and just waiting for more broken promises.
(21) Tila, May 30, 2013 7:44 PM
forgive and forget?
its harder then it sounds, the person who probably wrote this hasnt gone through a tough enough struggle to understand why people are as angry as they are now and days.. they are outsiders looking in..
(20) anonymous, May 26, 2013 11:24 AM
this is so thorough and impressive. this is helpful enough to be worthy of sharing with everyone. with this perspective ive learned some important things. and the activity was really helpful too-there are multiple things to say about every hardship we go through that are positive. (one thing ive realized is that you cant always tell exactly what a person meant from what they wrote. the readers sometimes get different things out of writings because they have different thought processes. so im going to share this with people i know and hopefully elaborate with them in it.) great stuff :]
(19) Fran, May 12, 2013 8:22 PM
This I believe is so true. I have recently went through a similar break up and I am just beginning to let go the hurt and anger. I will try the letter writing. It makes me feel so much better that I don't need to accept or condone his behaviours then and now but I can forgive, understand and ultimately forget and move on. Thankyou. I am now aware that I was ment to read this and this was gods way of helping me too
(18) Mr Laberdee, March 12, 2013 5:39 PM
Trying to repair myself and my family...
By reading this article i understanding the pain i put my wife and kids threw. Reading this has brang to light the pain I've cause. It's givin me helpful advice to changing my way of challenging and dealing with my anger. I have to learn how to respect her love her and appreciate her for sacrificing so much for me. I wanna start being a better man. If anyone is reading this feel free to contact me so we may share positive advice for one another, im sorry Monkey, i love dearly.....
jessica, June 29, 2013 12:32 AM
hi Mr Laberdee
I wish I had heard those words I tried to save my marriage but I couldn't force to make him change he broke my heart with affairs friends, family all types 20 years wsited I was 18 when we married...
(17) MalleyAsh, March 11, 2013 7:53 AM
burning alive
I have tried for years to figure out why i am so angry or who i am angry at... but no suck luck as usual so ill just keep snapping at everyone until i die :/
(16) Robin, March 10, 2013 3:04 PM
No matter how hard one works at a relationship if the other isn't working just as hard, it won't last. You can't change anyone except yourself. Life is too short to spend it with someone you mistakenly thought was Mr. Right. Thanks for the great article. I needed this.
Anonymous, April 20, 2013 6:00 AM
@Robin I know what youre talking about my sons father is a good example. All I do is cry and just dont know what else is there to do.
(15) mariam, November 17, 2012 8:16 PM
I realized i had looked first to find compassion that i didnt embrace and go through my angr
This article really helped me see some things I've missed doing on my healing process. I'm certain this is why reaction is still present for me. I see many activities I can do for myself and with my children to own these important steps. I will print it, read it and think about it many more times. Thank you
(14) BARBARA FINN, November 4, 2012 2:50 AM
Thank you for sharring your thoughts with us. I loved the article.
(13) alan begoun, November 2, 2012 2:08 PM
this is a very meaningful article that can apply to everyone and any situation. I'll try to use it as a guide in a few (fortunately minor) situations I have right now.
(12) Avraham, November 1, 2012 11:30 AM
Writing a letter and tearing it up
This idea is mentioned by the Piasezna Rebbe tz''l as a way of dealing with anger. He says you can write a second one as well.
(11) david, October 31, 2012 1:05 PM
work on the marriage
If Rachel would have worked at making her marriage work then maybe she would not be in this situation. Women think divorce is an easy way out but in the end every one suffers
Chana, October 31, 2012 7:06 PM
@ david ~ Why do you assume that she didn't try hard at making her marriage work? Do you know her? did she tell you that herself? It may be that some women think divorce is an easy way out but I can tell you from personal relationships that I have with different women, that they work hard on their marriages everyday even when they want to give up. Even when there is verbal abuse they stay and they try specially if there are children involved. I've yet to meet anyone who got a divorce and said it was easy.
Bre, November 1, 2012 1:18 PM
I agree with Chana. I had to divorce my husband due to several accounts of adultery. My husband knew I was serious, and because of that, he chose to turn his life around. We remarried after being divorced for 1 1/2 years. I grew up in a divorced home, and do not want to pass that on to my children. Divorce is NOT EASY, and yes everyone does suffer!! My husband and I have been married for 3 years following our split. Forgiveness is a Beautiful Attribute, and it is something people have to embrace every day. I believe Abba works all things for Good for those that Love Him and are called according to His purpose. Thank you Chana for your stand. I hope you, David, will be able to see that not all women take marriage lightly. May you both be Blessed. :)
Anonymous, February 12, 2013 3:35 AM
Well said
Well said Chana
Laurie, February 25, 2013 11:37 PM
Good for you Chana
David immediately blames Rachel for the failing of the marriage. No one knows all the facts, and if there's one thing I've learned is that there are two sides to every story. I've been divorced nearly five years and still hold resentment towards my ex-husband. I feel like I got ripped off. I'm trying to let go of the anger and resentment, forgive him and forgive myself.
rebecca, November 7, 2012 10:53 PM
are you married david?
not all marriages can be worked out. i know of plenty people still within marriage and it is hell on earth. every person is different. with three children and lots of anger she must have been in a unhealthy relationship. she must have thought it over more than three times three before calling game over. there are unfortunately many people with no middos and think they are beyond the law and will not have to give din vecheshbon while their spouses are suffering from them untold anguish. are you david treating your wife with dignity and love or are you the man of the house and she must serve you? no, woman with three children know divorce is hard, but under abuse it is sometimes the only solution to stay alive another day. any kind of relationship where there was hope and betrayal of any kind is painful. some men think that woman have no right to anything, but hashem was smarter and put such a thing as a get into the holy torah for a reason. to outsmart those selfish people . divorce is sometimes the only way out of certain sufferings! the book "garden of peace" for men by rabbi shalom arush and translated by rabbi lazer brody is a beginner for you david to understand what Rachel went through.
(10) Anonymous, October 30, 2012 5:51 PM
MY FATHER NEVER SHOWS ME ANY LOVE
HOW DO I FORGIBE MY FATEH FOR NOT BEEN THERE FOR 52 YRS. WHEN WE SEEM MEET DURING FAMILY OCCASIONS AND IF I DONT SAY HELLO HE DOESNT. HE IS VERY FRAIL AT THE MOMENT AND I AM TORN BETWEEN COMPASSION, ANGER AND RESENTMENT. I SAW HIM LAST WEDNESDAY AT HIS SISTER'S FUNERAL AND HIS PRESENT MADE ME ANGRY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. THAT VOID IS AFFECTING MY LIFE
Anonymous, October 31, 2012 9:17 PM
Don't do it for him, do it for yourself.
We are trained to believe that forgiving those who wronged us is this wonderful, generous act, but when the wrongdoer is someone you love, and the hurt comes not only from what they did to you but mostly from the violation of the loving relationship there should be between you to, forgiving -or at least accepting them- is a selfish act, and a needed one too. Don't forgive him out of compassion for his frail state, forgive him just to get rid of that void you feel. And see him for who he is. Learning to see that our parents are just as f***ed up people as the next guy is a cruel but necessary step in being an adult. I wish you luck and peace .
(9) harry engel, October 30, 2012 12:34 PM
Please change the title of "Step Four: Forgive"
Your article is wonderful, in my humble opinion, in getting people to find a way to step back from anger in order to attain peace of mind. But, I respectfully suggest that you retitle Step Four, replacing the word "Forgive" with the word with which you start sentence four of the second paragraph......... "Untying the knot.....". I frequest this because the word "forgive", to me, implies allowing the offender to get away with his/her misdeed. Meanwhile, your detailed explanation of the benefits of "forgiving', as you put it, in that second paragraph is wonderful to read. Thank you for writing this.
(8) Anonymous, October 29, 2012 1:34 PM
Anger at oneself
This process works as well for anger against oneself.
(7) GLENN, October 29, 2012 1:02 AM
ANGER CAN BE LIKE A CANCER!
Dealing with one's anger is usually an ongoing work!..I have found that a large percentage of unresolved anger stems from one's Parents! It is so important to not remain in it on an ongoing basis, to not deny it and just hope that one day it will go away! Anger is like a Cancer and will continue to eat away at us and destroy any happiness and security within Friendships or Relationships!...There are so many help-lines available now, and the first step is admitting you need help!
(6) anonymous, October 28, 2012 11:28 PM
letting go of revenge not the same as forgiveness
I don't believe that giving up a desire for revenge and letting go of the expectation that the other person will make amends is the same things as forgiveness. After a heartrending divorce (my ex-husband cheated on me and then blamed me for everything), I was slowly able to reclaim my life. I am now re-married to an absolutely wonderful, affectionate, loving honorable man who I am very deeply in love with. I do not forgive my ex-husband for what he did, but neither do I concern myself much with him. He is already reaping his own karma. (He married the home wrecker that he slept with when he was married to me. After 5 years, they are getting a divorce). My ex-husband put me through a lot of pain, but I ended up with a much better person and relationship.
Anonymous, October 30, 2012 12:11 AM
right on, anonymous!
I agree! This is not the same as forgiveness. I agree with the writer that it is important to let go of the expectation that the other person will make amends. I went through this process with my challenge but still have trouble forgiving the wrongdoer. People keep saying "but you must forgive her", and I do not know how. In addition, while this author knows the steps to let go of anger, I do not agree with step 3. Not every wrongdoer was hurt themselves! I think the reason people hurt others could sometimes be because the wrongdoer does not have a real sense of sensitivity and compassion for the "victim". For this, I do feel bad and am grateful that I can be more sensitive to people and that I try to think about their situations and feelings so as to avoid hurtful comments..... Do you think all the wrongdoers were hurt themselves? or is it possible they are just being "selfish" and are not being sensitive and are not giving their actions towards their "victims" much thought? I recently read an article by a therapist who made a point about how some people are like children when it comes to REFLECTION. Some people do not reflect about their comments or actions to others.....
(5) Anonymous, October 28, 2012 10:14 PM
Works with PTSD, too, everytime it comes up.
These are proven techniques and I appreciate the author's work and case study in aiding us in perfecting these tools in our own lives. As a sufferer of PTSD I often found it frustrating when anger would trigger me, over and over again; I came to understand it wasn't how often I was triggered, it was what did I do about it when it happened? These tools work, over the short and long term. Thank you.
(4) Melanie Vliet, October 28, 2012 5:24 PM
Final Paragraph of My Comment
(Please read my main comment before reading this paragraph, which had to be cut off due to length limitations.) Since the divorce I have seen my son grow into a successful attorney. I have remarried. I have survived cancer twice and have had two pre-emptive surgeries so that there need not be a third time. That divorce was not a catastrophe at all; it was the unlocking of a prison door. Once I walked through that door, I became free to experience the wonderful life that G-d had ordained for me to enjoy.
(3) Melanie Vliet, October 28, 2012 5:21 PM
Good Ideas, but Here's What Worked for Me
When my husband of nearly fifteen unhappy years told me that he was divorcing me, I didn't know how I would be able to survive on my own—especially with a son about to enter Kindergarten. How could I manage my own responsibilities as well as the tasks that my husband had always handled? I felt that I was losing my mind. It seemed that everywhere I looked there were couples, and I was the only person who was alone. These feelings lasted for about a day. Then I decided to look upon my husband's decision to leave not as a disaster but as an adventure—an opportunity to find a whole new life for myself. I had long lamented being tied to a man who found me embarrassing instead of appreciating my uniqueness, devaluing me when I was certain that countless men would give anything to have a wife like me. This, at last, was my chance to find romance with some of those men, the ones who would appreciate all that I had to offer. Before the romance, however, I had more pressing needs to take care of. I decided that my chief immediate requirements were a job for myself and daycare for my son during my work hours. I set out to accomplish these tasks. This didn't take more than a month. Then I started having all the fun of which I had been deprived during my marriage. I regularly attended social dances for singles of my faith and got back into folk dancing. I discovered Karaoke. All of these activities brought fun into my life and made me too busy to feel depressed. Why should I feel depressed? I was having more fun than anyone I knew! I filled to overflowing the void left by my husband's departure. My life became fun for the first time in years—perhaps EVER! No catastrophe has to stay that way. It is the way you face it—the attitude that you take toward it—that affects your life, and not the circumstances themselves. As Christine Clifford of The Cancer Club says, “Attitude is everything.” (Please see my next posting for the final paragraph of this comment.)
(2) eve, October 28, 2012 5:12 PM
I love this
(1) Reuven Frank, October 28, 2012 4:53 PM
Me & My Anger
Wow! Has this author been "stalking" me long enough to get views of all my negative emotions? I'm only sorry there weren't OTHER comments to view. (That might have been interesting.) Anyway, all I have to do now, is figure how and where to save this article so I can see it all the time, and get busy working on it. Thanks again, to Aish!
Ruthann, October 28, 2012 9:19 PM
To Save or Print the article
Simply select "Control S" for save. And, select "Control P) to print it. Good luck. I also saw myself in this article.