A single statement said to me by a holy woman when I was 37 years old turned my whole life inside out – or rather, outside in.
After living for 15 years in an Indian ashram, I had come to Israel to search for my Jewish roots. A friend who was editing a book asked me to write a chapter on “Holy Women in Israel.” My search led me to a ramshackle rural settlement in the Jezreel Valley to meet Rebbetzin Chaya Sara Kramer. I had been told that she was a Holocaust survivor. At the age of 20, she had been taken to Auschwitz, where her whole family had been murdered on the first night there. She had been kept alive to be experimented on by the notorious Dr. Josef Mengele. Now I was sitting across a rickety table from Rebbetzin Chaya Sara, eating cucumbers and farmers’ cheese, interviewing her about her life, and particularly the Holocaust.
“Auschwitz was not a bad place,” she said to me.
What? I was sure that I hadn’t heard her correctly. I asked her to repeat her statement.
“Auschwitz was not a bad place,” she repeated clearly. “There was a group of religious girls there. We stuck together. And all the mitzvos [commandments] that we could keep, we did keep. For example, one girl kept track of the days, so we always knew when it was Shabbos, and whenever possible, we avoided doing any forbidden work. We recited blessings over our food, meager as it was.”
“Bad” and “good” had nothing to do with what happened to you. All that really matters is what issues from you.
The holy woman fixed me with her pale blue eyes. “A bad place is a place where Jews can observe mitzvos, but don’t do them.”
With that, she inverted my whole reality. According to her, “bad” and “good” had nothing to do with what happened to you. All that really matters is what issues from you.
Until that moment, a “good day” for me had meant a day when I got an unexpected (and big) check in the mail, or someone praised me, or, driving late to an appointment, I hit all green lights. A “bad day,” on the other hand, was a day when my washing machine broke down, or someone insulted me, or I missed an important appointment because I was stuck in a traffic jam.
By Rebbetzin Chaya Sara’s definition, however, “bad” and “good” applied only to one’s own actions or reactions. I left her shack envisioning a spiritual plumbing system with two pipes attached to me. One was the “outflow pipe,” the thoughts, words, and actions issuing from me. The other was the “inflow pipe,” whatever happened to me, including other people’s offensive words or careless actions, the rain that ruined the picnic, the big check – or the big bill – that arrived in the mail, winning a contest or losing it, and even catching a cold or spraining my ankle.
From that day, my focus shifted from the constant evaluation of the “inflow pipe” to a careful scrutiny of the “outflow pipe.” When someone spoke rudely to me, instead of focusing on his outrageous behavior, I focused on my own reaction. Should I cut him down with my sharp tongue? Should I unleash a barrage of critical comments to put him in his place? Should I try to understand where he’s coming from? Should I let it ruin my day, or let it go? I was no longer the victim of harsh circumstances or human culprits. I could choose my reaction. From a spiritual perspective, the outflow pipe, not the inflow pipe, was what really mattered.
What Most Wives Really Want
Fast-forward two and a half decades. I started giving my women’s Marriage Workshop for Aish Webinars/Jewish Workshops. Participants were asked to submit their “most important marriage questions.”
Fully half of the questions were some version of, “How do I change my husband?” For example:
- How do I get my husband to stop overeating and lose weight?
- How can I get my husband, who is addicted to his computer, to turn it off and go to sleep at a reasonable hour?
- How can I get my husband to pay more attention to the children?
- How do I get my husband to listen to me when I speak?
- How can I get my husband to be less sloppy?
During the introductory session, at the risk of losing all my potential students, I had to tell them the truth. The cardinal principle behind my workshop is: The only person you can change is yourself. (But if you change yourself, you change your marriage.)
I explained to them the concept of the “inflow pipe” and the “outflow pipe.” “The outflow pipe is your own thoughts, words, and actions. The inflow pipe in everything else.”
You have 100% control over your thoughts, words, and actions. You have 0% control over everything else.
Then I sprung on them this life-changing truth: You have 100% control over the outflow pipe – your own thoughts, words, and actions. You have 0% control over everything else.
No wonder, as wives complain to me, they’ve been trying to get their husbands to diet for 30 years – with no success! No wonder the wives who have been harping about underwear left on the floor are still, decades later, nagging their husbands about it! You can’t control your husband, is my message. So stop trying.
How Much Control Do You Have?
It’s not just wives and husbands, of course. Ultimately, how much control do you have over your friends, co-workers, employees, neighbors, the meter maid, or the IRS?
The disheartening reality is that you have 0% control over the inflow pipe. But the empowering reality is that you have 100% control over the outflow pipe. You may not be able to convince the meter maid not to give you that parking ticket, but you can control whether you’ll let loose a nasty string of expletives or give her a resigned smile and admit, “Well, I guess I was eight minutes over.”
You can’t control whether your brother will loan you money (that you sorely need and he has in abundance), but you can control whether you’ll carry a grudge against him and institute a family feud that will last for generations. And you can’t control your spouse, but you can decide to focus on his or her good attributes and be happily married.
Once you stop trying to control what you can’t control, you free up a lot of energy that you can use to control what indeed is within your control – your own thoughts, words, and actions. Instead of wasting energy in frustration and anger at the boss who didn’t give you a well-deserved raise, you can choose to be grateful that you have a job at all.
The key word here is “choose.” The most pernicious oxymoron is the phrase, “He (or she) made me angry.” Another person cannot make you angry any more than another person can make you fat. Anger is the reaction you choose (usually unconsciously) to the other person’s action. You could also choose acceptance or disregard or transcendence or even compassion for the miscreant’s difficult personality. (You have to be with him only sometimes; he has to be with himself all the time.) And if you do choose a lofty response, you transform yourself from the victim into the victor.
You can transform all difficulties into challenges. You are never backed up against the wall with ogres of illness, financial crunches, or various villains leaving you trapped with no escape route. Whatever is surging through the inflow pipe, your outflow pipe is always open to your free choice.
If the plumbing system in your house is reversed, instead of getting clean tap water, you’ll get sewage. If your spiritual plumbing system is reversed, you will labor in vain to keep difficult experiences from flowing in, and you won’t even notice the toxic reactions that are flowing out of you.
So be your own spiritual plumber. Stop trying to clog your inflow pipe and keep a vigilant eye on your outflow pipe.
Having a good day is totally in your hands.
(14) Nancy, January 23, 2018 3:12 PM
This is a little bit off topic.....
But I wanted to tell you how much I am enjoying your book about Henny Machlis. Thank you for sharing her story with me and the rest of the world! :-)
(13) T.M., January 23, 2018 2:48 PM
Mitzvos are not the same thing as an "Outflow Pipe"
Yes, but the holy woman Rebbetzin Chaya Sara Kramer said “A bad place is a place where Jews can observe mitzvos, but don’t do them.” That's really not quite the same as the "inflow pipe vs. outflow pipe" principle that the author of this article teaches. Mitzvos are not just any form of positive, gracious, deliberate, constructive Outflow. Mitzvos are not just a psychological technique. Mitzvos are the product of G-d's wisdom. As one writer put it: "Mitzvos are designed to enable the world to function in accordance with the Divine Will. The Torah precedes the world. Indeed, the world was created for the sake of the Torah, so that the Divine Will expressed in the Torah which itself transcends the world, should also be expressed within the world."
Dvirah, February 16, 2018 11:14 AM
One Within the Other
Most of the "how to do" of controlling the "outflow pipe" comes from the "between Man & Man" Mitzvoth. Things like judging favorably, greeting with a "pleasant countenance", turning aside anger, etc. all relate to the principle of this article - and would have been possible even in Auschwitz.
(12) Dalia, August 16, 2017 5:04 PM
Great lesson, thanks!!
(11) Ayobol, February 19, 2015 4:48 AM
Additionally..
Life is like a journey through a country lane - full of various terrain. Soon it pays to learn to navigate wisely, enjoying the scenes you can, overlooking those you can't. In all however, counting on, and drawing upon G-d's wisdom is always the greatest and the best companion.
(10) mindy k., February 18, 2015 2:49 PM
perspective
when life gives you lemons,make lemonade.
(9) Anonymous, February 18, 2015 2:25 AM
Anger can be a survival mechanism
Nancy (2) is right, I think, sometimes it takes a catharsis fueled by anger to make a change that is necessary for improvement or even survival. This article is reasonable in warning against blind rage without thought. It is far less responsible in seeming to reject all anger, out of hand. What if the source is mistreatment, abuse or threats to life and limb?
The difficulty is deciding when and how to harness anger for good purposes. Rebbitzin Chaya Sara's approach was not the only way that Jews and others survived Auschwitz. I've certainly heard of and from many who, even before they first saw the sign "Arbeiter Macht Frei," swore in anger both hot and cold that they would never let the perpetrators get away with what they had done, that they would testify for the rest of their lives of what they had seen, heard and experienced. Dare we say that they were wrong?
(8) Rachel, February 18, 2015 2:25 AM
this is great but...
...sometimes other people do harm us, accidentally or intentionally. And when that happens, we have the right to seek justice, but without anger. If a pedestrian is struck by a car, hating the driver is not going to help, but seeking damages to pay for medical care, time lost from work, pain, etc. May be completely appropriate.
And there was no mention of Hashem in this piece. Asking Hashem to help you regulate your outflow makes it easier....
(7) Zsolt, February 18, 2015 1:29 AM
outflow
Absolutely beautiful!
Our traditions, our whole Jewish essence included in it!
And also our responsibility to teach it through our own positive example to the whole world, so we can build a human society, that today resembles a complete, global, fully integrated, mutual network by all of us focusing on the "outflow" pipe, asking every second "what is it that I could positively add to the collective system?"
(6) Jim Gaylor, February 17, 2015 10:04 PM
Wonderful advice
Thanks so much. When confronted with a problem, I pray "Father if you won't change the problem , please change my attitude to the problem" God bless you my sister.
(5) Anonymous, February 17, 2015 8:13 PM
oh no, not again
A few months ago someone wrote a similar article and I wrote a comment which I will repeat here:
Any man who will not listen to his wife. I didn't say "do what his wife says". I said LISTEN and acknowledge that MAYBE she is right - turns her off completely, is a BABY. That's right.
If a man does what he wants, eats like a pig. doesn't clean up after himself. Refuses to do simple tasks when asked, IS A BABY. and no woman should have to put up with it.
JUST LISTEN quietly, AND DO IT. Why is that so hard?????
Why cause anger? why cause fights???
iF YOUR WIFE WANTS YOU TO LOSE WEIGHT, WHY DON'T YOU LISTEN? IF YOU CAN'T TURN OFF THE COMPUTER, YOU ARE JUST A BIG CHILD. CAN'T SPEND TIME WITH THE CHILDREN BECAUSE YOU HAVE "SO MANY OTHER THINGS TO DO?" A CHILD AGAIN (A SPOILED ONE) and WHEN YOUR WIFE SPEAKS, GET USED TO BEING ABSOLUTELY QUIET, LOOK DIRECTLY INTO HER EYES SO SHE KNOWS YOU ARE LISTENING, AND IF YOU DON'T AGREE, SAY IT IN A LOW LOVING TONE OF VOICE - EXPLAIN YOUR POSITION. YOU ALWAYS WIN IF YOU DO THAT.
Lenny, February 18, 2015 4:20 PM
Am I allowed to tell my wife to lose weight? I don't think so. your combative attitude is not endearing.
rachel, February 19, 2015 4:21 AM
it depends...
...on why and how you say it. My husband, who is almost always tactful and always cares about me, could indeed tell me to lose weight and I would not be angry. That is because he would only make such a difficult statement if he had legitimate concerns for my health, not because I am an object to show off to his friends.
I sincerely hope that your marriage will reach a level of mutual trust and caring that you can say and hear difficult things when necessary.
Anonymous, February 19, 2015 9:20 PM
let\s try this tactic:
Instead of asking your wife to lose weight, why don't you ask her,
"let's go for a our walk after dinner" every night or" let's try to run a little bit together." If you use the "we", which includes yourself,
You might have a better chance of her agreeing. HOWEVER, if she says she is too tired and worn out, you have TWO things you can try.
First: Tell her you will help her with whatever she needs so that both of you can go out for a walk or a run . She might get
all excited you're asking her out, and making the effort to do it. or;
second: Tell her that you have heard, that when you get up and do exercise in the evening (or whenever it's convenient for both of you) it boosts your mood, and the exhaustion actually goes away very quickly. You really do wake up!
another choice; turn on you tube, choose your favorite songs and dance (not necessarily together) for thirty minutes.
If she sees you are trying to be with her, she will make the effort.
(4) Daveed, February 17, 2015 5:45 PM
The Power of Thought
"As a man thinks, so shall he be." - King Solomon "The problem with men, is not the problem--but man's reactions to problems." - Aristotle And so I meditate..... Shalom
(3) Todd, February 16, 2015 8:49 PM
Auschwitz was a bad place (not that I was there)
Wonderful attitude, wonderful philosophy, but Auschwitz was a death camp.
(2) Nancy, February 16, 2015 6:33 PM
To JM - I like your perspective
Sometimes we have no other choice other than accepting the hand we have been dealt. However, there are other times when we perceive we are boxed into a corner with no way out. In the latter case the resulting anger may be what propels us to make necessary changes.
(1) SusanE, February 15, 2015 7:41 PM
I agree almost 100%
Thank you for bringing this article to us. From the article, "The most pernicious oxymoron is the phrase, “He (or she) made me angry.” Another person cannot make you angry any more than another person can make you fat. Anger is the reaction you choose (usually unconsciously) to the other person’s action." This is so true and I agree 100%. - - - - - - - With the following paragraph, I don't quite agree. " Instead of wasting energy in frustration and anger at the boss who didn’t give you a well-deserved raise, you can choose to be grateful that you have a job at all." It might be my pride speaking , but I find that this is a person allowing someone to undervalue him and his being resigned to disrespect from his employer, in essence still being a victim. Really makes us rethink our actions doesn't it. Thank you , again.
JM, February 16, 2015 10:31 AM
True - being proactive does not = anger
Susan, I have to agree with you. When I read the article, I was inspired by the central idea that a person chooses how to respond and is not a victim of the "inflow pipe" but I thought that there seemed to be a tone of passivity to negative circumstances, which is not always the wise road to take. As in the 12 Steps Serenity Prayer:
G-d, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
For example, the woman does not have to respond in anger to the boss who didn't give her a raise or go into depression because she feels devalued. But she still has other choices than just being grateful that she has a job. She can look for another job that will be at least as satisfying and that pays better. If that is not practical, then acceptance and appreciation is a wise choice rather than focusing on feeling exploited. In general, abuse is a situation that doesn't need to be tolerated unless there's no way out, as in the concentration camps, or when alternate options are worse. There is no mitzvah in being passive when positive action can improve one's circumstances. That said, whatever steps one does take should not be out of anger or revenge; one should definitely follow Mrs. Rigler's sage advice of evaluating one's "outflow pipe" to respond in the best way possible.
Heidi T., February 17, 2015 6:52 PM
I agree!
I agree with both Susan E. and JM - very well said.