Natasha was finding it harder and harder to control her anger with her two children, ages 6 and 8. Particularly, she found herself yelling at her older daughter way too often and her husband had begun to point it out to her. She was losing it and decided to take some parenting classes. The techniques she learned were very good but after three months of applying them, her anger was still out of control. She began feeling bad about herself and thinking she was a terrible mom. She was feeling hopeless.
Judaism takes a strong stand against anger because it is such a toxic and destructive feeling. Our Rabbis suggest many ways to control and reduce feelings of anger such as creating a picture of one’s self not getting angry and looking calm, reframing the situation, trusting more in God, and letting go of needing to control every outcome, to name a few. All of these are effective tools in dealing with anger in what I call, a decontextualized way; that is, they are universal remedies for treating anger in a generalized or generic way.
Exercising self-control when angry is critical in all situations. But the goal isn’t just to control our anger, it’s to understand the deeper meanings of our anger in order to transform ourselves. We do this by understanding the unique meaning of the feeling as it is experienced by us personally, in the unique context of our lives. This approach is called, contextualizing one’s feelings.
When we come to understand the unique meaning of our feelings we not only stand a chance of diminishing our anger, we gain a deeper and more expansive understanding of ourselves and our emotional world. With this expanded self-awareness new possibilities open up for becoming one’s best self. Feelings are information and every feeling has a powerful lesson to teach us something important about who we are.
The key to implementing a contextual approach to transforming difficult feelings is to ask questions that contextualize one’s emotional experience. Here are some examples:
- Why am I feeling this way in this specific time and place?
- Why am I feeling this way with this person and not with other people?
- What was the specific trigger that brought about this feeling?
- Have I ever felt this way before?
- When is the first time I remember having this feeling? Is there a specific memory?
How does this person I am presently engaged with remind me of someone in my past who first triggered this feeling?
When Natasha explored her anger contextually, she discovered some amazing things about herself and the unique meanings of her anger. First, she realized that she felt threatened and overwhelmed by the needs of her children, emotionally choked by their neediness. She felt angry that they needed her so much, which made no sense since she clearly understood that there was nothing unusual about their needs. Nonetheless, she resented them.
Second, when Natasha explored her past, she began to see the connection between her current anger and the bad feelings she had as child in her relationship with her mother. She remembered as a child being overwhelmed by her mother’s self-centered demands. Now as an adult, she began to understand that her mother had narcissistic tendencies that made her feel suffocated. She also saw that she was transferring her childhood anger at her mother onto her children because she had never resolved her anger towards her mom.
Upon discovering this connection, she was able to uncouple her anger towards her children from her anger towards her mom by recognizing that her children’s needs were reasonable while her mother’s narcissistic needs was truly dangerous. Natasha felt a sense of liberation with this discovery and was able to better deal with her children’s needs with more patience, kindness, and sensitivity.
Natasha’s transformation of her anger from intolerable to tolerable demonstrates the power of contextualizing one’s feelings. If you’re struggling with a difficult feeling the relief you long for may be found by exploring the meaning of your feelings contextually.
(8) Rina, July 2, 2019 11:56 PM
Question
What if you are angry, and you try to figure out where it's coming from but it's too painful to sit with your own feelings?
Dov Heller, July 3, 2019 3:38 AM
The place for therap
Rina, this is exactly when a therapist is needed. A therapist provides what I call a relational home for your feelings. Therapy creates a relationship that helps you feel your feelings so they can become tolerable which allows for a deeper exploration and understanding. Take a look at my website. Claritytalk.com
(7) Anonymous, June 27, 2019 12:14 PM
Book recommendation please?
Rabbi Heller, Thank you for this article on such an important topic. Clearly, therapy is the most productive course of action, but could you please recommend a good book on this subject? Do you know of a book that includes therapeutic exercises or other functional suggestions? If you know of an online self-help course on understanding and controlling anger, that would also be greatly appreciated as well. Thank you most sincerely.
Dov Heller, June 27, 2019 6:04 PM
Suggestion
I do not know of a book that particularly deals with anger in a way that I feel comfortable with. But I would suggest a book that deals with managing difficult feelings in general. The title is, the dialectical behavior therapy skills workbook. By McKay, wood, Brantley. Good luck
(6) Anonymous, June 26, 2019 4:48 AM
Rav Israel Salanter was right
It took me a long time to "cognitively" analyze my anger like this article suggests.
About 15 years to be exact.
I'm still not perfect. (NO human being is.)
But I think I fit into the low end of the "Novoko" Anger Scale now.
When I think back on this, I recall something attributed to Rav Israel Salanter,
who is usually thought of as the father of modern Mussar (character development).
He said, "It's easier to learn the entire Talmud than to change a single **Midah** (character trait)."
Had I been learning the "Daf Yomi" Program, I would've gone through the whole Talmud TWICE in the time it took me to change that trait.
To get my anger under control and resolved.
[It's not enough to suppress it. You have to think it through.]
It was hard but it was worth it.
I knew I'd made it the day my second child turned to me and said,
"You know, Abba, you used to hit and yell a lot and you don't do that anymore."
All I could think was, "Yesss!!!"
(5) Richard Polak, June 26, 2019 1:26 AM
Terrific
As always, Rabbi Heller writes with insight and depth that truly helps people.
(4) Anonymous, June 25, 2019 6:08 PM
Honoring your parents requires mastering your feelings.
When we are little children we can’t control our feelings. As adults we have to.
(3) Robbie Romilly, June 25, 2019 4:11 PM
Narcissistic
I had a mom like Natasha. I have always used the word “mean” to describe her. This article has given me a way to describe her as Narcissistic which doesn’t feel as if I’m judging her. I always felt the word “mean” was judge mental. Narcissistic is a Personality Disorder and that allows me to be compassionately. Thank You
(2) Hilary, June 25, 2019 3:08 PM
Practical, useful advice.
This is the first really useful advice for dealing with 'irrational' anger I have ever encountered. I don't know how effectively I will be able to implement it, but I am grateful.
Dov Heller, June 25, 2019 4:13 PM
You may need help
Hi Hillary, when we contextualize our feelings it takes us into some deep places. Sometimes the guidance of a therapist is necessary to fully implement this process. Good luck.
(1) Anonymous, June 24, 2019 3:49 AM
The approach of understanding that the anger is coming from a deeper place is absolutely right. Most people are not consciences about their inner self as are some others, but by practicing your advice and looking within, one can get much closer to knowing his/her self and finding a level of piece with pass suppressed emotions that have built the anger. Thank you.
Dov Heller, June 25, 2019 3:12 AM
I appreciate your feedback
I appreciate your feedback. Thanks