It is possible to love anyone.
Don’t believe me? Often I will ask singles, “When you have children, do you think you’ll love them?” Inevitably they answer, “Of course I’ll love my child.” I inquire, “How do you know? Maybe your kid will be colicky, keep you up all night, have a personality that rubs you the wrong way, or maybe he won’t be so cute looking? How are you sure that you’ll love your child?”
“I will love my child because it’s my child.”
“But why?”
The main reason parents love their children is because they are committed to loving them.
When we make a one hundred percent commitment to love someone, we can love anyone. This is not only true for children; it is especially true for one’s spouse, the annoying neighbor, the moody boss, and the receptionist who seems to have it out for you. (I am not talking about people in your life who are abusive. Such people need to be kept at a safe distance.)
The only reason we don’t love the people we dislike is that we have not made a complete commitment to love them like we love our children.
Here’s what a commitment to love someone might look like. Pick someone and try it for 30 days.
Make a decision to bring this person into your circle of people you truly care about. Look at this person as if he or she is part of your family. Let me share something powerful that Jewish tradition teaches. “Invite the poor into your home and make them a part of your family” (See Ethics of the Fathers, 1:5).Note, the sages don’t say, “make them like your family,” but make them a part of your family. Treat them like one of your uncles, aunts, etc.
Make a commitment to care about this person’s life. Meet with this person and get to know them. Find out what their needs are. What do they struggle with? Make a decision to do whatever you can to meet their needs and help them succeed in life as you would if he or she was one of your children.
Make a commitment to identify his or her virtues. Study this person and see the beauty in him. Everyone is truly beautiful; it’s only that with some people we have to look a little harder to see it. On a daily basis review this list of virtues. Talk to others about the virtues of this person like a parent talks about his child with pride.
Accept the flaws of this person without judgment. This is exactly what parents do with their children. Parents choose to identify their child with their virtues and excuse their faults. Someone might say, “You know your son Josh is very disorganized.” The parent responds by saying, “Yes that’s true, but do see how sensitive he is to other people’s feelings?”
Take on the challenge and share with me in the comment section how it goes. The bottom line is, make a complete commitment to love someone, and you’ll discover that you will.
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(7) David Kasrelevicius, April 24, 2021 2:21 AM
Learning to love anyone
Hi:at my young age of 78,I was so gladly surprised to read this article which at first look it seemed to me “Quite along the lines of the ‘do gooders’ as we call them sometimes.
Nevertheless I was intrigued and even before the starting point, Ireadied myself to switch to something more along my so called “intelligent” knowledge base.
Quite a shocking surprise I had....I finished reading the whole article and shamelessly admitting that IT IS POSSBLE to love almost anyone if we commit ourselves to do so.
Live and Learn
Kol ha Kavod la hem.
(6) Bracha Din, January 24, 2020 9:32 AM
Thank you Rabbi Heller. Happy to come across this special article. I got so much from reading your words and hold them dear to my heart. I want to send this article to the world. In my eyes, it's the most important work. Over the years I realized that I have a beautiful gentle power and miracles in my life even when I reach out to someone I would rather not want to. When I slightly stretch past my comfort zone and call the person I least want to call, the loneliest person I can think of, the ugliest, someone who I think might like getting a call from me ...this action creates a space for Hashem to do a miracle. Thank you for the reminder of the opportunity of "expressions of love create miracles". And of course we know from our holy Torah that loving others helps take up our prayers.
(5) Jaya, December 16, 2018 4:55 AM
Love anyone !
What an interesting and empowering thought and action plan ! It is logical and seems so possible too . I like the instruction of not including abuser’s in the list !
(4) Dena, December 6, 2018 12:16 AM
So true!
Thanks for the reminder!
(3) Bracha Goetz, December 3, 2018 1:24 AM
Great!
(2) Helen Dudden, November 29, 2018 9:11 PM
Very useful
If love is kind and caring then you have a very good chance. Being honest with someone is also helpful.
(1) Victor A, November 29, 2018 4:06 PM
agree but..
Great article and good approach to life but like everything in life you have to be able to take it with a grain of salt. One doesn’t know the future and thus one’s judgement about the relationship with someone is so important. You kind of don’t know how will this relationship pan out and you want to invest in healthy relationship. But committing to relationship 100% should always be the case once you decide to go for it
Anon, November 29, 2018 11:16 PM
It sounds like you're avoiding committment because you're not sure how it will turn out. But by avoiding committment you're actually influencing the results, just like by choosing to commit.
Besides, I think all we really have control over is what we put into something. And how we build ourselves and grow up by making correct choices.
Also - would you refuse to commit to your child because you're not sure how that relationship will turn out? ..So your pretext for avoiding committment is not much of an answer. In the end, you commit because you've chosen to commit.
Ha! I think I need to re-read my reply and see how it applies to myself!
All the best.
Victor A, November 30, 2018 4:10 PM
reply
Anon, that’s a good point, to not be afraid of commitment and to go all in on something. I am for one not afraid of commitment and my response was not about commitment at all. The article read you can love anyone and in theory yes, if you commit fully you can love anyone but my question is at what cost? Is it worth my time? When the stakes are high, hardly anyone has an appetite for unfruitful relationship.
Victor A, December 3, 2018 8:59 PM
reply
note that my comments are geared toward a love between man and woman not parent, child, neighbor etc. since I think you can’t put those in the same category.
kari, April 13, 2019 12:56 PM
great advice
this article shows me that I am on the right path and pushes me to go on even if sometimes I wish to leave everithing and anyone. I have commitet to the person I work for I learn a lot and so does this person - we learn a lot from this relationship. But sometimes I get negative thougts - like: you will get hurt, or: you are not strong enough, or: everything will go wrong and you will be shown that you where wrog - people is bad, the world is bad and you are a fool if you think different... You are alone, no one will ever love you, you will die alone and nobody is going to notice. But I know these thoughts come from my past, my childhood, my mother telling me that I am bad and I will always be alone and that no one will ever love me.