The story was too bizarre, but it was true.
A few days ago, the AP reported that a 91-year-old widow, Jean Stevens of Wyalusing, PA, was found sitting on her couch in her home next to the bodies of her twin sister and her husband.
James Stevens, her husband of nearly 60 years, died in 1999, and June Stevens, her twin died in October 2009.
Mrs. Stevens had their embalmed corpses dug up and stored them at her house — in the case of her late husband, for more than a decade — tending to the remains as best she could until police were finally tipped off last month, much to her dismay.
"Death is very hard for me to take," Stevens told an interviewer.
"I think when you put them in the (ground), that's goodbye…," Stevens said. "In this way I could touch them, look at them and talk to them."
She said she had them dug up, both within days of burial. She managed to escape detection for a long time. State police haven't said who retrieved the bodies. A decision on charges is expected soon.
I have never heard of such a bizarre reaction to death. Though I don’t defend her actions, I feel sad for Mrs. Stevens and her inability to come to grips with her relatives’ deaths.
Unfortunately, I can relate all too well to her feelings.
Shocked Anew
I too was forced to say goodbye to my beloved mother, Mrs. Judi Leff, may she rest in peace, a few months ago.
I feel shocked anew each time I think of my mother not being in this world ever again.
My mother was diagnosed with late stage non-smoker’s lung cancer around five years ago. Ever since that horrible day when I found out the news of the diagnosis, I always knew of the possibility of my mother dying in the near future. I was hoping and praying she would beat the odds, and she actually did, living double the years originally projected. But in the back of my mind, I was mentally and emotionally preparing for losing her.
And yet, when she died, I was totally unprepared. I never really knew that my mother, who I loved so much, who had given me so much, could actually die. I never knew life without her. How could she die? Without my mother, the world didn’t seem like the world.
In the deepest recesses of my heart and soul, I didn't fully know that my mother could die.
Of course, I never denied the eventuality of death. I knew that every human being who has ever lived has also died, but I apparently never really incorporated that it could happen to one of my parents.
In the deepest recesses of my heart and soul, I didn't fully know that my mother could die. And the worst part about it was that I didn’t know that I didn’t know.
Death hit me like a ton of bricks and I felt as if I would never recover.
Road to Recovery
At some point, I started to think of what my mother really meant to me. I tried to live with my mother in my ear as often as I could. I could take her lessons with me wherever I would go.
My mother lived 67 years. She was an amazing and loving mother and grandmother. She did so much for so many people in her life. Hundreds and hundreds of people were deeply affected and saddened by her death.
People who felt as outcasts by the ‘regular’ community for various reasons told us that they felt comfortable talking to my mother because she had a way of accepting them, showing respect for them and making them feel good about themselves.
She was someone who constantly gave encouragement to all those around her. She first and foremost encouraged and gave strength to her family. She raised us to feel special, confident, and secure with who we are. She gave us the ability to feel solid in facing our challenges, believing in us which made us believe in ourselves. This is certainly the most important element of parenting: to provide one’s children with a secure and happy home so that they develop into content, confident and independent adults.
When I shared this with my rabbi, he commented, “That’s right. And all those many people who didn’t get this from their parents are in my office seeking counseling all day.”
My mother taught pre-school for approximately 33 years, deeply touching the lives of over 600 children. She constantly encouraged her students, co-workers and even her supervisors. She gave each child unconditional love and made each parent feel as if his/her child was her only concern. Whenever a child thought that something was too hard, whether it was navigating the monkey bars or writing his/her name, she would give that child the confidence needed to accomplish the goal.
One Thing at a Time
One of my mother’s most favorite expressions was ‘one thing at a time’ or ‘one day a time.’ Whenever I shared with her frustrations or problems I needed to tackle, she told me to take it easy and get things done one at a time. I can hear her voice with this phrase whenever I feel stressed out.
I learned how to deal with my mother’s death by focusing on the lessons she instilled in me. I could still live with her daily, albeit in a very different way.
As a great man once said, death ends a life, not a relationship.
(26) Roberta, February 2, 2019 4:32 PM
Your mother’s words touched me
I loved this article and surely can relate about not considering that our parents will one day die.
One thing at the time and one day at the time is the wisest counsel, trying to live differently can be discouraging to even try.
(25) Tammy, July 26, 2011 3:26 AM
I just lost my mother just two months ago. It still hurts!!!
(24) julie, December 31, 2010 4:04 AM
spiritual tuning with my deceased boyfriend
I sadly found my partner dead , john had died suddenly, with a clot to he,s heart , we had courted for many years, and through all this sorrow and upset, in a strange way i still feel johns ith me, i as in turmoil until he came through in a very vivid dream, there as light all arond john and he was being lifted , and his smiling face beamed a thousand times brighter than usual,it was like john was showing me he was being healed,since that day i have felt a inner calmness, and like a part of me has been healed, and when i get upset over losing john, i start to feel johns presence calming me down, i feel that whilst our beloved deceased has parted , whilst the are still in our hearts they are never far away ,
ladydi, July 25, 2011 8:10 PM
julie
you are so right - I can feel my dad around me......he passed away 7 years ago....... his soul is near all his loved ones. RIP daddy.......
Sarah, August 9, 2011 4:01 PM
Searching for somebody who might help me...
It's Tisha Beav today and It's been like 10 months my so beloved husband passed away... (it was exactly last Yom Kippur Shabes) and therefore I decided to leave everything behind and emigrate do Israel (Yerushalaim). I've been here for almost 4 months... but still missing him so badly... I was looking for something to read which might help me share my feelings with, then I read your comments...
(23) Jackie, December 6, 2010 10:15 PM
Death doesn't end a relationship, I hope
My boyfriend died on Nov. 14 2010 and I found him dead in his bed on Nov. 16. Although theoretically I knew we are all going to die, death had never hit me so closely before. He was a soul mate and larger than life. He had just turned 35. I have sought eagerly, desperately, to find signs that our connection still exists, that somehow his consciousness still exists. I don't know. I hope so.
(22) Anonymous, July 25, 2010 7:18 AM
This article on death is how I came to terms with my own mother passing. Each day there is something she said and I repeat to my three daughters on a daily basis. Thank u
(21) Michael, July 24, 2010 4:51 AM
Thank you Rabbi Leff
For sharing this. Another wonderful story given to the world by aish.com. G-d bless all or you and all Jews of the world.
(20) Mira, July 24, 2010 12:50 AM
Thank you!
I lost my husband recently. Your article was very touching. Thank you Rabbi. I am grateful to have loved him and lived in love. Your mother gave you many gifts. Thank you!
(19) paul, July 22, 2010 7:18 AM
I completely connect with what Rabbi Leff says.
I lost my son in a freak car accident last april and i just cant get over the fact that he is gone. He radiated so much joy around our home. I am shocked anew every time when i re-live the impact of the car connecting with him and the concussion that eventually killed him. He will always be with me whatever anyone says
(18) john, July 21, 2010 4:02 PM
ya never know
well yesterday the 20th of july my 28 3rd cousin whos a police officer came home kille dhis wife killed his 8 month old son then killed hiself , ya never know ; just be ready and u wont be surprised , peace
(17) Ed Hausman, July 21, 2010 4:02 AM
free
the years go by and leave us dazed that those we love are bound to die but love will always still remain when those we love are free of pain
(16) Donna Perel, July 20, 2010 11:38 PM
I understand!
There are a few more hours of fasting for me this Tisha B'Av. (May this be our last!!!!) I am trying to hold on to the feelings of the loss of our relationship with the Almighty! Almost thirty five years ago I lost my beloved Mother. I was 16 and she was 49. Although the years I had with her were short I still feel her presence everyday. She left with me the what the power of the neshoma can do. She was diagnosed with the dreaded disease and was told that she had 6 months to live. After four years she left this world. She had incredible strength to survive. I now understand that what Hashem did in taking my Mother, although painful, was what my neshoma needed. I have grown stronger as a result and have recently really understood that all He does is for the good. Rabbi Leff enjoy the memories that you have of your beloved Mother and record them with your family. This is a priceless Yerusha that will stay with you for generations.
(15) L. S. Raubvogel, July 20, 2010 10:38 PM
An offer for a drink....
I visited your home, one Pesach day, a few years ago, and your folks were in town. Your mother, o.b.m., offered me a drink. I politely declined. I do remember thinking how pleased I was with the offer. It was a nice example of hachnasas orchim, and it wasn't even her home!
(14) Anonymous, July 20, 2010 6:23 AM
three monts ago.
I lost my mother, I stil not get it, I miss her very much, I cry every single day, I fell so empthy, so lonly like I'm going with her, we were so closse. I miss everything about het. I'm a single woman.
(13) Rachel, July 19, 2010 10:56 AM
The World Feels Emptier and Scarier
The verse in Psalm 27 takes on special meaning: "...for my father and my mother have forsaken me..." It is sobering to lose a parent and scary to feel vulnerable and alone in the world. You are fortunate, Rabbi Leff, to have had such a kind mother. My mother died last year, and I feel quite at peace about it. She was old and her Alzheimer's had, in fact, ended the relationship that I had previously had with her. I am sure that she wanted to die and be wtih my father, who died several months earlier. I kept vigil by her side the last several days till the end came, and she left the world while my sister & I were sleeping on the floor by her side. I feel completely at peace, knowing we did everything we could to make her life happier and better, and I trust Hashem to take care of her and Dad now. The hardest part for me is to realize I'm the older generation and can look forward to declining health, the infirmities and anxieties of old age, and eventual death. Every time I forget anything, I panic: am I getting Alzheimer's like Mom? Will I end up with a tube down my throat? We may not like to say it, but this is probably the scariest part of losing those we love - facing our own fragility and mortality.
(12) Marvin Kravetsky, July 19, 2010 2:42 AM
My Mum and Dad and all of my brothers and sisters have died!
You remind me of when I was a little boy. I discussed with my best friend about Mothers. I told him that my mother was better than his mother. You know what?He had the chutzpa to tell me that his mum was better! We had some minor fisticuffs and forgot all about it. but it is True a Mother is the best of all mothers and we are aware of it while they live But oh my how we mourn and remember them after they have passed away! Can you imagine my unhappines when once I belong to the most exclusive club in the world. My Mum and my Dad and my eight brothers and four sisters. Now I have nothing But Thank Hashem I have a wife who is a true eishes chaiyel! Baruch Hashem!
(11) Anonymous, July 18, 2010 10:12 PM
thank you
My grandfather, who I was very close to, passed away a number of years ago. I fully understand your meaning when your feeling of surprise and shock when your mother died, because my grandfather also had cancer and even though I was preparing myself for his death, deep down I never believed he would die, and when he did, it came as a total blow. Since then, I constantly yearn and imagine how our relationship would have blossomed if he were still around. Now, after reading your article, I realize that by remembering and honoring his words of encouragement and advice, I am actually strengthening the bond between us- Thank you for changing my outlook for the better.
(10) Ruth, July 18, 2010 10:10 PM
Thank you
for sharing your feelings & expereince with us all. I recently married a widower ,who has a family from his first wife, & reading articles such as yours helps me to understand my husband and my new family a bit more.
(9) Avi (from Cincinnati), July 18, 2010 7:51 PM
sorry for your loss
Rabbi Leff-- I am sorry for your loss. May you be comforted among the mourners of Zion and Yerushalayim.
(8) Leah Gross, July 18, 2010 7:43 PM
I know how you feel
I know exactly how you feel. I felt the same way when I lost my father. The feeling of how could the world go on without my beloved father. Why is the sun shining? But as I told my Uncle (his older brother) and other family members, we were lucky to have someone that we loved and miss so dearly. Not everyone is so fortunate. May it be a comfort to you and yours! Your mother was a very special gift that Hashem gave you. You were lucky to have her! You can still draw from her strength and carry it with you through life. Thank you for your beautiful article.
(7) tzila schulman, July 18, 2010 7:16 PM
I remember your mother
what a beautiful article you wrote about your mmother. I taought with her years ago at Hafter. I was the music teacher. She was a very regal, special lady. You were lucky to have been bonrn to her.
(6) Anonymous, July 18, 2010 6:55 PM
Beautiful
Rabbi Leff What a beautiful article about your mother z"l. A real tribute. I have warm memories of her of the few times we had met. May Hashem comfort you and your family for your great loss.
(5) Anonymous, July 18, 2010 4:13 PM
Words from the heart
What a wonderful story of life to share. Your mother sounds like a very special person. I'm sure she'll be missed by the many people that she has touched.
(4) Ann & Bernie Hoenig, July 18, 2010 3:55 PM
To Baruch Leff - thank you for a most beautiful and moving essay. We were very close with Judi Leff, living in the same community and being active together at the Young Israel of Far Rockaway. She was an inspiration to everyone around her, always exuding warmth and comfort; never complaining, despite her devastating illness. In that way she gave "chizuk" to others, making us all forget our own problems and to appreciate and recognize our own blessings. Judi conveyed her deep faith in Hashem to everyone around her through her smile, her quiet dignity, her courage and her poise. The entire Leff family was blessed through having had Judi Leff as such a wonderful wife, mother and grandmother. The entire community of Far Rockaway was blessed with such a "Eshes Chayil". Indeed, she will never be forgotten.
(3) Miranda, July 18, 2010 2:26 PM
Beautiful words
Thank you for this wonderful artical, it was particularly poignant for me as i lost my mother to cancer 7 years ago when i was 19, she was just 51. I can totally identify with all the emotions which you experienced and i found it comforting to read about your experience as mine was all too similar. My mother too was loved by so many in the community and is still so deeply missed. She was as encouraging and strong as your mother seems to have been and i still miss her every day. I do feel uplifted from the moral of your words- that relationships live on eternally well beyond death. Thank you for this inspiration. Wishing you and your family a long life.
(2) sarah, July 18, 2010 2:08 PM
May Hashem comfort you, and may you be privileged to share and teach others all the beautiful things you learned from your gifted mother. A sentence you wrote puzzled me: " I feel shocked anew each time I think of my mother not being in this world ever again". Perhaps because of your pain, when you wrote this sentence you didn't think of the fact that in time to come all our dear ones will be resurrected, and we will merit seeing them again. May the good memories you and all who knew her have of her help you bear your loss.
(1) Michal, July 18, 2010 11:24 AM
If I like it or not: death e n d s a relationship!
My husband died more than 6 years ago. It is not true that the healing of wounds are a matter of time. And a relationship? I have the feeling, that Hashem stands between us. The relationship I can only have with Him. But I am glad, that he is glad. What never ends is the sudden thoughts: Now he would have done this or said this and if we were still together, we would now laugh.heartily. How glad am I, that we meet again, and that there is the resurrection, when Moshiach comes. I miss his body too. His smile, and the way he lookedd at me. I can understand your sadness.