I woke up with a sharp pain on the left side of my head. I looked around but did not recognize my surroundings. The only thing that was familiar was my mother who sat on a metal chair with her legs up on my bed. But even she was almost unrecognizable. Her face was lined with fear and sadness. Her chapped lips were shut tight, as if she were consciously trying not to cry out in her sleep.
“Mom?” I said, in confusion. "Where am I?”
Her eyes popped open and for a moment she too looked lost. “You mean you don’t remember?” she asked, clearly surprised.
“No. Where am I?”
She got up to adjust my blanket. “You are in the hospital, Cheryl. You were hit by a car.”
I had absolutely no recollection of being hit by a car or being taken to the hospital. The last thing I remembered about that day (was it even that day?) was sitting in my college cafeteria trying unsuccessfully to study for a test.
“Am I okay?” I asked nervously taking a quick survey of my body.
My mother breathed deeply and spoke slowly, as if each word might shield me from the next. “Cheryl, the skin was torn from a large portion of your leg and your kneecap was shattered.”
Physical therapy would strengthen my knee, but it wouldn’t get me through the next few months of questioning.
I looked down to my leg that was covered with the yellow hospital blanket and lifted the covering. The leg was wrapped in bandages protecting me from what lay beneath them.
“What’s going to happen?” I asked.
We are transferring you to Columbia Presbyterian Hospital for surgery.
I was transferred and three and a half weeks later I received a skin graft. My knee cap was put back together with pins. I would emerge from the hospital with a disfigured leg and a very weak knee. Physical therapy would one day strengthen my knee, but it wouldn’t get me through the next few months of questioning.
I had suffered a severe concussion in addition to my other injuries. Later I would be grateful for those sharp headaches and temporary amnesia. It put off the larger religious issues that would eventually plague me. It was the wedding of a close friend that ultimately brought out the questions. My friends had gone off to dance with the bride leaving me at the table with my leg, encased in its fiberglass cast, resting on the chair next to mine. I sat there half listening to the energetic music, but mostly feeling completely and utterly alone. And then, at the height of my depression, I allowed myself to question. Why did God do this to me? Did I do something wrong?
I desperately needed some answers. Fortunately, as a philosophy major in college I had the tools with which to begin my excavation. I scrounged the writings of Saadya Gaon, Rambam, and others, gleaning a tremendous amount from their works, but something was still missing. I learned so much about faith and the philosophical problem of evil, and yet I was still so utterly alone. Everyone around me functioned as if nothing had happened…and yet something did. And my philosophers could not make the pain go away.
It took one particular Jewish thinker to make me understand why my search for answers left me feeling cold and empty. I needed to grasp the concept that no intellectual answer would ever suffice. It was acceptance that I needed to embrace, not intellectual satisfaction. And I needed to understand that these types of situations should be perceived as communications from God; not punishments. They are God’s way of trying to tell us something.
In his essay Kol Dodi Dofek, the 20th century Jewish thinker Rabbi Joseph Soloveitchik describes two different types of people -- the Man of Fate and the Man of Destiny. The Man of Fate responds to tragedy by questioning. He wonders how a God who is all good could cause evil. He comes up with solutions to his queries, but the philosophical solutions don’t address the real issue.
If we perceive suffering as a message from God, we can begin to ask the question: what can I do to respond?
The Man of Destiny responds very differently. He doesn’t ask, Why? He asks, What? He doesn’t ponder the philosophical ramifications of evil, which do nothing to further him as a person. Instead he asks: What can I do in face of this evil? How can I respond to it?
The Man of Destiny creates a life altering experience out of his suffering; while the Man of Fate sits on his brown leather couch and continues to ponder. If we perceive suffering as a message from God, we can begin to ask the question of the Man of Destiny: what can I do to respond? Only then can we redeem the tragedy; only then can we find meaning in suffering; and only then can we begin to sense the true hand of God.
So that’s what I did. I started to ask myself new questions: What can I do with this experience? How can I transform it into a positive force within myself and the world at large?
The answers to those questions were not simple. They required a deep understanding of myself and my relationship with God. The difference between this search and my former search however, was that this one brought me what I had really sought from the beginning: a deeper connection to God. Finally, I felt no longer alone.
(22) Scott, May 31, 2013 7:44 AM
Gratitude
My daughter was born with Down’s Syndrome. People keep talking as if that’s a bad thing. But they don’t know anything. You see the year before, after three miscarriages, we finally had a pregnancy that made it to the eighth month. We had the stroller were talking about the color of the nursery. We had a shower scheduled (We’re not superstitious.) And then on a Wednesday morning at a sonogram the doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat. My wife had to deliver a dead child. And we had to bury her. It was terrible.
G*d put us in a community where the Rabbi and the Cantor were amazing. The chevra kadisha handled everything-we had no idea and were absolutely crazy with grief. Our neighbors, who were Jewish-but with which we really had no more than a hi and bye relationship-took the shovels from the cemetery workers and made sure they finished burying our child. One of my oldest friends came and stayed with us for a month and kept us from going crazy. Those were all miracles.
Three months later another pregnancy. And nine months later she was born. When the doctor handed me my daughter and I held her little hand I saw she had Downs. But I didn’t care. She lived. What a miracle. Isn’t G*d amazing? She had a heart thing that kept her in the hospital for a month and it was hard (we had just made aliyah and had no apartment as of yet) …but there she was breathing. She came home a day after I found an apartment. The heart thing has corrected itself and she’s rolling around on the floor at my feet right now.
When I think of the meaning of things in life, I think of gratitude. G*d didn’t kill my daughter. She died. He gave us support that helped us through it and then a beautiful baby daughter. G*d didn’t give her Downs. He gave her parents that are so grateful for her that we don’t even care about that. Maybe it’s a little simplistic for the deep thinkers of the world, but it works for me.
(21) Jenn, May 29, 2013 12:46 AM
Anonymous, you are soo right sometimes it's just so so painful, you can't philosophize, and your left with so many questions.
(20) Anonymous, May 28, 2013 11:45 PM
Great conclusion
Great conclusion, don´t ask the why of your suffering but the what, that completely changes the perspective. Thank you for remember me this important concept in Judaism. Best of luck!
(19) ruth housman, May 28, 2013 9:48 PM
asking the right question
most people don't, so the answers are slow in coming, if ever. I just visited The Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit at The MOS, in Boston. You have to ask if you are me, about the massive coincidences, recorded, about these discoveries & dates. Why now? There used to be massive sacrifice re offerings to God to bring us closer, a Hebrew word meaning closer is associated with this. It seems in life, given such suffering, we are all being sacrificed. The Isaac story? Job? So is this to bring us closer to a Divine Prime Mover? We need to ask deep, troubling questions to arrive at answers. Why This story when there could have been, so many others? As in our collective Jewish saga.
(18) Rebecca S, May 28, 2013 4:19 PM
Excruciating pain
I live with excruciating pain and have learned to accept that this is my reality. Now I'm focused on finding the best doctors to help me heal. I have a beautiful teenage son who I want to be fully present for. There are days when I feel like giving up.
chavie, May 28, 2013 7:52 PM
may you find pain relief fast!
Dear Rebecca, I also live with terrible pain and am seeking out medical pain specialist for help. I pray that you will find relief through exploring every avenue, many new reliefs are covered by insurance or you can appeal for assistance. Meditation therapy from a hospital actually helped a bit, to my surprise. I'd try anything. May Hashem give you the strength and patience to endure. Wishing you comfort, peace of mind and rest and peace in your body.
Sarah, May 29, 2013 11:03 AM
Chavie and Rebecca, first of all, I wish you both health and freedom from pain. How about you two giving one another your name and mother's name so you can pray for one another? After all, our rabbis say that when you pray for someone, and you're in need of the same thing, you're answered first (I always add that I don't want to be the first to be answered; only that I should be answered).
(17) Yael, May 28, 2013 3:20 PM
So inspirational...
Cheryl, you are such an inspiration to me every day that I see you or even speak to you.
May G-d bless you and your family.
With love,
Yael
(16) Anonymous, December 23, 2009 8:46 PM
Thank you!
Thank you so much for this article. it gives a new perspective on suffering and helps a lot.
(15) Dale S, December 22, 2009 2:44 PM
what if was not an acident
I am in a very diffcult part of recovery from PTSD now and my struggles involve how to bring myelf into wholeness. I struggle with all these issues also, I do not care why now I am just working on how to keep going
(14) Anonymous, December 22, 2009 4:39 AM
I think that if a person has one thing that is catastrophic but fixable happen, one can philosophize about it. But when many, many things happen, it's just too difficult to do that. That's when people really start questioning things.
(13) Anonymous, December 21, 2009 8:40 PM
Thank you, Cheryl. This was a great gift. I don't know if I ever would have thought of dealing with tragedy this way. I am grateful to you.
fay, May 28, 2013 6:34 PM
This accident is not a tragedy.
Very, very difficult and painful with a long recovery ahead; but certainly not a tragedy! With the right therapies, etc. Chevi will get better - in contrast with, G-d forbid, death. I'm older (over 60) and was hit by a car more than a year ago. I'm still recovering - have pain, etc.; but I never considered this a tragedy - rather a setback.
(12) Norma Fares, December 21, 2009 4:37 AM
I don't beleive God punishes us. He gives us lessons because He loves us so much. Asking what instead of why makes the whole difference. Indeed. Beautiful piece. Thank you Aish!
Yehudis, May 28, 2013 5:57 PM
I'm glad you're finding answers.
Bs"D Dear Cheryl, shetichye Thank you for this article. I'm glad you are finding answers and with answers comes strength. Hashem should give you good news always, physically and spiritually.
(11) ruth, December 21, 2009 1:13 AM
on the cutting edge
One of the deepest questions plaguing mankind is Why? The Buddhists say suffering is a given. And surely what you did is transform the suffering. The question is deep and I honestly don't think it's wrong to ask the question? I think at times if we are asking an accounting from God, then we are meant to do this. The answers we get might be troubling, but I don't believe there is anything wrong with confronting God and God's universe with the question. Life is a quest, and perhaps, it is in adversity and sorrow that we are pulled to that most troubling question, and this question, perhaps paradoxically moves us closer to God. Certainly we do perceive in life, that the phoenix somehow does rise from the ashes, as we are moved to perform deeds of goodness, of support, of caring, of healing. It's about tikkun olam. We do derive deep meaning from life from these acts, and without them, we might be lotus eaters, as in Tennyson's poem. We need to feel, and deeply, and it is feeling itself that propels motion, E... MOTION. Perhaps we all go to the Wailing Wall with that most profound question but I think God intends for us to Go to the Wall with our prayers, and to realize, answers come slowly, and to each of us, in our time, and that there is something of beauty in the fall of a sparrow. And a destiny that governs all of our lives.
(10) Rachel, December 21, 2009 12:51 AM
Very helpful
I am recovering from a catastrophic illness, and I enjoyed reading this.
(9) Anonymous, December 21, 2009 12:44 AM
I related very much to this piece as i go through my own challenging illness. thanks alot!
(8) Laurel, December 21, 2009 12:15 AM
Yes
Thank you so much for your letter/ I amgoing throug a rough time nnow with my health and this is going to giv em e food for thought now. I will be busy trying to find a way to change my thnking and hopefully comeout on top. Please pray for me.
(7) carm, December 20, 2009 11:16 PM
asking the right questions
thank you for a thought provoking article. It is true that there must always be ways to turn positive from negative experiences. the people one encounters while trying to do good can be so negative that the negative experience you were trying to turn into positive becomes negative again. I have had this experience time and again. I think that gaining from negative experience requires attempting to make the experience positive rather than actually succeeding at your attempt. We live in a huge complex world. Doing good is too hard.
(6) Sara, December 20, 2009 10:19 PM
Why me?-Why not Me?
3 years ago at 38, with a 2-year old child, i was diagnosed with a rare terminal disease. i pray 4 courage to face each day and make use of my time. little annoyances don't matter anymore. i am grateful for the perspective. The mental pain is so much greater than the terrible physical pains.Speaking to Hashem and the support of my Rabbi and community are my biggest helps My husband of a decade left me soon after diagnosis. i would feel alone if i also had not worked on my personal relationship with Hashem. No one can really understand how i feel except Hashem. it took me a while to figure this out and feel much less alone.
(5) Beverly Kurtin, December 20, 2009 10:07 PM
I empathise
At 6:38pm on January 1, 1995 I experienced the single worst pain I’d ever experienced: I had experienced a burst blood vessel in my brain. At the hospital I went into a grand mal seizure and woke up with excruciating agony in both hands where frozen and fresh blood plasma was being forced into my veins. To make a very long story short, I was sent home a few days later without therapy of any kind; the doctors expected me to die so why waste money on a future cadaver? Here it is, nearly 15 years to the day and I still think that the stroke I went through was the best thing that could have happened to me because instead of asking “Why,” I asked “What have I learned and how can I learn more?” Hashem and I have grown closer and my mind is more open to just being quiet and learn. Due to some inactivity during my recovery, I have developed some joint problems that put me in nearly constant pain; it’s no fun, but as compared to what I have seen in others, I’ve been blessed beyond words.
(4) Deborah Wood, December 20, 2009 9:36 PM
Everything comes from G-d
My Mother has Alztheimers. When I first found out ,I ask why, Then I said why not. Who am I to question G-d? Everything comes from G-d. Our finances, our health, our joys & our sorrows, But they all come for a reason. Since Mother has become ill, I have never been closer to G-d than I am at the time. WE talk everday about everything. Without him I could not go on.
(3) dr. bernie siegel, December 20, 2009 9:23 PM
understand why
when you lose your health you look for how to restore it. just as when you find what your neighbor has lost and return it. as the baal shem tov said while watching jews being attacked by cossacks, i wish i were god so i would understand why. the answer is that perfection is a magic trick and not creation. we are here to live and learn, hunger leads you to food. so when you are hurting ask what you need to nourish your life and seek it. and when you describe what it is like to have this painful experience notice how the words fit your life and the problems which need to be resolved and when thy are will reduce the pain and suffering you experience.
(2) SusanE, December 20, 2009 8:10 PM
You Are Very Perceptive
For some people this knowledge and understanding is never realized in their lifetime. Thank you for bringing it to us in a way that is totally understandable. I don't know who wrote this article but for the name Cheryl, but whoever you are, Thank You Very Much.
(1) Sharona, December 20, 2009 9:59 AM
Profound
Thank you for honesty and telling us of your struggle. I can identify with your search for an intellectual answer. Through you, I now realize that the answer to "why?' will be attained by finding the answer to "what?".