Dear Siddur,
After 17 years together, it pains me to write this letter.
I remember the day we met. You came to me through the assistance of a Jewish outreach organization when I was in Israel at the age of 19 – my first siddur.
At first, your words were foreign, but over the years they became familiar, almost second nature.
We’ve been through a lot together, you and I. You were there with me in those early years, when I was in yeshiva in Israel when everything was so new, when I was trying to figure Judaism out, trying to figure life out. You were there for me in college and then when I graduated. You were there with me when I was looking for my bashert, during a frustrating period of years that seemed like it would go on without end.
But you were also there with me when I found my bashert. Do you remember, siddur, the day of my wedding when I held you, praying, overwhelmed as I thought about the life that lay ahead of me? The tear marks on your pages still commemorate that day.
You were there for me during those days of triumph, and you were there for me during days of struggle as well. You were there with me as I sat at the bedside for each of my grandparents before they departed to their Eternal Home. You were with me when I was fired from my job, and unemployed for almost a year. And for the years when my wife and I wanted so badly to have children but were not yet blessed, you were there, siddur.
I won’t lie – it wasn’t easy opening you up during those times. But in those days you taught me discipline. You reinforced the lesson that prayer is not a magic incantation. It is a process by which we strengthen our relationship with the Master of the Universe, because only during difficult times is growth really possible.
And you were there for me, siddur, when my wife and I found out that we were going to be blessed with not one child but two – twins. There are tears on your pages which commemorate that as well. You were there when our beautiful children were born, you were there at the bris when family and friends joined us in this new chapter in our lives and as we formed another link in the eternal chain of the Jewish people.
You were there when I finally got the job that was meant for me and me for it.
With so many years together, you always seemed to know which page I wanted to turn to, almost instinctively. You even had all of the notes that I made in the margins during those first few years when I delved into the meaning behind your prayers.
But all of the wear and tear has taken its toll on you. I’ve tried to patch you up over the years, God knows, I’ve tried. Pages have fallen out, and I have taped them back in place over and over again, stubbornly fighting the inevitable.
I finally bought a new siddur. It doesn’t open to the right page or stay open obediently like you did. It doesn’t have the notes from my youth, or the tears. It feels so clean, so sharp, so foreign.
If you could talk, I have a feeling you’d say it’s time for me to move on. I hear that – another chapter in life. But it isn’t easy. So if it’s alright with you, I am not going to get rid of you entirely. I am going to tuck you away on a corner of the bookcase, and just open you up from time to time and visit you, my old friend.
Seventeen years. Thanks for the memories, siddur.
(21) Ann, April 24, 2013 8:25 PM
What Tears Have Touched
This wonderful piece by Sam Stern demonstrates yet again that we can never "kindle" a cherished book and all that it holds in its tenderly worn pages.
(20) Michael, April 23, 2013 9:24 PM
an old siddur
For several years I have been turning half ripped and taped pages and my wife keeps asking why I don't get a new siddur. I thought I was the only person who was sentimental about a prayer book. Now I don't feel so lonely. Thanks for the great essay.
(19) surie k, April 23, 2013 4:34 PM
lost siddur in Israel
Beutiful words and heartful prayers. My husband received a litlle leather bound Artscroll siddur from our sons some 20years ago. They where little boys who put together spending money to buy him his 40th birthday present. He davened from it 3 times a day.
Three years ago we where in Israel and he lost it , in the Gra Shul or at the Kotel. If any one comes across it please contact me . May we all be zoche to have all our prayers answered,
Surie K
Sarah Rivka :), April 23, 2013 11:23 PM
re: lost siddur in Israel
Is there anything special about it that could be used to identify it? An autograph? Notes written in it? A particular page that's missing? (I'm not there but perhaps I could have friends and family in Israel look out for it, if there's anything special about it.)
surie k, May 1, 2013 3:35 PM
lost siddur in Jerusalem
Thesiddur is a small light brown custom bound leather . It is an artscroll may have telephone #178-338-3324. We have since moved, possible intial sk. If anyone finds it please contact me at suriek@wedgwoodgadens.com Thanks
Steven, October 30, 2016 7:54 PM
found siddur
I found an ArtScroll siddur, brown, but unfortunately it's not leather-bound and doesn't match Surie K's description. However, it does have a lovely inscription, dated June 1994, and a 301 area-code phone number, which I called and was disconnected. Maybe someone is looking for it?
(18) Shalev, April 23, 2013 2:06 AM
Find a Bookbinder!
My Hebrew teacher's Tanakh was well worn when we started and these same beautiful comments were expressed. An old friend, and so much growth together. When I received mine as a "graduation" present from my first year, I looked into a bookbinder who could restore my teacher's Tanakh. The memories made it worth the cost. Please consider this all those who cannot imagine not using that beloved siddur.
(17) naema, April 22, 2013 10:07 PM
beautiful
thank you for your beautiful heartfelt words. i wept upon reading them. i too have a siddur i bought in college and often feel as if i am barely keeping my head above water. i carry it in my bag every day but am in too much pain or too numb to open it and daven. i envy your dedication and commitment. i am inspired by it. i hope i can find the strength to open my heart to those precious pages again.
(16) Linda, April 22, 2013 7:44 PM
Lovely article - very true - mt first Siddur is the same - it's favourite page is Maot Tsur
(15) Arnie, April 22, 2013 6:10 PM
an old siddur
Your story was beautiful and meaningful. I grew up with the siddur. Our little shul used one with no english first printed on the lower east sidde in 1912. On my first trip to Israel I bought a pocket one for my tallis bag that I still use whenever I daven at home. That was 44 years ago. It is well worn and opens o the right places on its own. Recently I found a copy of the old 1912 siddur that my Grandfather, of blessed memory, bought aand inscribed with his name in April of 1944, while he was saying Kaddish for his mother-in-law (and the world was mourning the Warsaw ghetto and so much more). Now, when I daven from it on a Shabbat, I see his tears and the marks of his finger and thumbprints. I pray that I can follow, not only in his footsteps, but also in those thumbprints.
(14) Anonymous, April 22, 2013 3:30 PM
I feel the same way about my siddur. I am not ready to replace my book of prayers that I shared with Hashem.
(13) victoria, April 22, 2013 1:20 PM
it touched my heart
Thank you so much, your words brought tears to my eyes, I feel the same way about my siddur as well and the pages are falling out already but I keep it.
(12) David, April 22, 2013 1:18 PM
New leaf, Old friend
Same soul, different body
(11) Lidia, April 22, 2013 1:32 AM
Really came from the heart!
This is a true witness of the special moments in one's life.
Precious! May you use your siddur for many many happy ce
(10) rachel, April 21, 2013 10:43 PM
beautiful
Thank you.loved it.
(9) mykhel, April 21, 2013 6:41 PM
keep it! don't stop using it...
beautiful story, but keep it! it is a badge of honor; it tells a beautiful story of your life. When you get old, noone will replace you. keep it. use it. it's more than a book of prayers. (just my opinion of course) :-).
(8) Mike, April 21, 2013 6:22 PM
My siddur
I received my first siddur on my bat mitzvah 40 years ago. Through ups and downs, times of being more/less observant and periods of great spiritual confusion it has always been there for me like a good friend. The shuls I attend use different siddurim, but at home my friend and I pray together.
(7) Zev, April 21, 2013 5:30 PM
Cute and beautiful piece. Very relatable.
(6) Jo, April 21, 2013 5:06 PM
Good things Never Die
Life offers such beautiful feelings.Thanks G. to those crossed our road with flowers. Shalom.
(5) Lisa, April 21, 2013 4:59 PM
Lets hear it for Scotch Tape!!!
My siddur looks like it got run over by a truck...but its been with me 24/7......On Shabbat & other Chagim I use a different siddur...but I dont have that same connection! I should tuck my devoted friend on my bookshelf....I just cant do it yet....but this article gave me the idea & strength that one day I will & it'll be OK!! Yasher Koach!!
(4) Anonymous, April 21, 2013 4:37 PM
Siddur
Love this article! I have my greatgrand parents' prayer books (written in Yiddish), with the names and notes they wrote in them. One of the few things that survived the fire at my grandma's house. They were loved and special for so long, I'm glad I still have them to show my children
Jacenty, April 22, 2013 5:24 AM
Beautifull memory
Beautiful family witnes of great past!
(3) Debi, April 21, 2013 4:30 PM
Perfect!
AMEN!!!
(2) Yosef, April 21, 2013 4:23 PM
Tears....
So beautiful....
(1) mimi, April 21, 2013 4:12 PM
Beautiful Thank you so much for that heartfelt story