All I could see was blackness.
Sure, I was alive in a beautiful world. I was healthy. I did not have COVID-19. My family was safe. Thank God, all was well.
But this awareness was all intellectual; it wasn't something I felt.
I was down, feeling flat, useless. In spite of my best efforts, I had lost my job due to company issues and financial market fluctuations. And now corona hit; I didn't see any way forward. No job, no money coming in.
All these years I had talked myself into accepting that I wasn't working at anything I was really passionate about or that made me spring up out of bed in the morning with purpose and a sense of mission, but I comforted myself by saying that at least I was making a decent living to support my family. Now that too was gone.
What did I have to show for my 50+ years? What purpose did I have?
All those Aish webinars and video clips with the snappy language, cool rabbis and pulsating upbeat music, pushing for a sense of mission were taking their toll. I couldn't even begin to answer the questions: What were my dreams? What were my goals? What did I want to accomplish on this earth?
I would berate myself. How dare you complain with all the abundance that you have? Are you in a hospital bed? Are you getting chemo treatments? Can you talk? Can you hear? Can you see? You godless ingrate. You don't deserve what you have. The beating up on myself was endless. The problem (no job) and the solution (try to see the good you have) just morphed into turning myself into one big punching bag. You are no good. You are ungrateful. You have so much to be thankful for. You do not appreciate. You are worthless. Don’t you think God will take the good away from you if you don’t value it enough? Over and over. It was a broken record in my head that gave me no respite.
I wasn't one of those workaholics who had to learn that my family was my priority. My family was my priority. I knew that. Sure I worked hard. I was not one to cut corners at work; I was meticulous and conscientious. But I always knew that my children were the most important thing to me.
When I realized years ago that I could not get both myself and my kids out the door in the morning without being stressed, I adjusted my schedule so that I could be fully (read, perky!) there for my kids in the morning. Unhurriedly, I sent them off with carefully packed lunches, completed homework assignments (carefully labeled; no dog-eaten, crumpled half-baked paperwork for these kids!) and caressing goodbyes, replete with little loving notes of positivity tucked into their backpacks, and private chauffeuring to school if a bus was missed. Only after sending them off in cheerful Donna Reed-like fashion did I wend my way to work, making up the lost work-time in the wee hours of the morning, after everyone was fed, bathed, story-timed and tucked into bed, giving up regularly on sleep or "me-time" for years.
When the guests we constantly had at our Shabbos table due to my husband's work in outreach and adult education (now there was the sense of purpose and mission that my family could tap into), started to infringe on my kids sense of self, we cut back, ensuring that at least one meal was exclusively family time. We understood that healthy boundaries were called for and that as parents, we had to respond to our children's need to be seen and heard, front and center.
So, part of me was surprised when not all of those children stayed religious. That some of them are struggling with their relationship with the Almighty. I was sure that we were handing down the Jewish tradition faithfully, with just the right amount of old-fashioned responsibility to the past, link in the chain message, and a healthy dose of inject your own strengths, inform your faith with your own personality, talk. We felt we were real parents, authentic about our vulnerabilities, open to questions, caring and giving. Where did we go wrong?
The other part is not surprised. We cannot micromanage our children's journey. They came up against challenges and demons we had never encountered, both close to home and in the greater world. Their 21st century realities are a far cry from the bubble of conservatism we Baby Boomers experienced. We didn't know what they faced until it hit us in the face. We were not prepared.
And so, here we are – a fragile nuclear family, hanging on to each other, trying to understand and be there for each other, with compassion and love. Encircling us, at a far distance, is a fractured, somewhat estranged larger family, with bad guys and broken dreams, trampled hopes, derailed lives, tarnished souls, and cowardice. I know clearly with whom my loyalties lie – my husband and children. That is absolute. And yet, I feel such pain at the betrayals and losses in my life.
It all comes out, unleashed in a torrent of tears and fury. My friend listens quietly, interjecting here and there in that sensitive, understanding way of hers.
I find myself in my friend's garden, sitting socially distant-appropriate meters away, pouring out my heart about the losses and pain, the estrangement from the larger family, the no job and no purpose, the senseless misery, the feeling of abandonment, of being an orphan with no parents, the sense of aloneness and failure. It all comes out, unleashed in a torrent of tears and fury. My friend listens quietly, interjecting here and there in that sensitive, understanding way of hers. I finally finish. I am spent.
"So you don't feel God in your life?" she asks. I nod miserably. "You feel your father died and left so much undone and is not here to help and hug?" I nod again. "Your pain at your larger family is justified, your estrangement from them is self-protecting; they hurt you and your family, but still there is a gaping hole, in the place where relationship once was. That is not phantom pain. That is real. But know that God is with you." I nod mutely. Sure.
I wasn't prepared for the email I received the very next day. It was from one of my estranged family members, someone I had not spoken with for years. I had not been ready for any kind of relationship with her. And the email went as follows: "I received the following note from someone I was corresponding with. Apparently that person knew your father. I found it meaningful. I hope you will also."
The story related in the email went as follows:
"I knew your relative quite well. I will take the liberty of writing a personal story that he shared with me about himself. [He had asked me what I was learning and I told him I was learning Tractate Yevamos which is quite complicated and difficult.] He said that after the war was over he was a skeleton of himself physically and emotionally and he was not sure he was sane. At the first opportunity that he had he got hold of a volume of the Talmud and it happened to be Yevamos. He opened it and began learning. When he saw that he could follow and, in his words in Yiddish, 'Ich hob zich gekent reorientirin [I was able to reorient myself]' he knew he was sane."
I held the iPhone in my shaking hands, tears rolling down my cheeks. Just yesterday in a quiet garden in the middle of nowhere, I had cried about my estranged family member, my need to get healing from a father who died too young and my sense of distance from God. These were the people/beings in my life I was missing.
And today, I received a message from each of them.
Is God in my life? You bet He is. And with all that is going on in this crazy world of ours, He takes the time to listen to our pain and send us sweet messages that He is there all along.
(7) Anonymous, July 17, 2020 4:26 AM
Wow!
Thank You so Very Much For Your Article. I'm exactly in the same place you were. Lost access to my five kids 8 years ago, due to Parental Alienation through a ugly divorce. I was a stay at home dad for 15 years, whilst working all after hours shifts.
(6) Anonymous, July 17, 2020 12:08 AM
Still searching
I have been feeling exactly the way you felt. No job. No purpose. Lost. Adrift. Then guilty for not being grateful for all my blessings, which spirals into what a horrible person I am. Your words could be totally mine. My kids and my family were also my number one priority and I dedicated myself to being a good mother. But they, too, are now gone and grown. I also do not feel God in my life despite how hard I pray and ask for guidance. And as I watch the world go seemingly crazy in 2020, I feel even more alone and hopeless. I am so happy you received a message and found that God is indeed with you. But I have not been fortunate enough to have something like this happen. And I have been searching for a very long time. I do not know what else to do...I am falling into despair, despite knowing in my mind that I should not. I think of those in the camps, and recognize how incredibly worse things were for them, how hopeless and brutal, and I berate myself for feeling sorry for myself. But yet, I continue to sink. I hope to find solace and feel a connection to God soon. I continue to pray.
(5) miriam, July 15, 2020 12:00 PM
chills
Chills and goosebumps.
Thank you so much for sharing.
(4) greatest lack in life, July 13, 2020 6:02 AM
God is the greatest lack in many people's life
I once saw a study -- done by gentiles around 40 years old -- that a lack of God is the greatest lack in their life. In other words, most people have what they need, but they feel a nagging feeling -- the lack of God in their life.
How to bring it in? it's not so hard. One can start looking for His Hand, and one can increase effort to go in His ways.
A great rabbi once advised a man, new to religion -- who thought he'd study all day, said the rabbi, while studying all day is meritorious, and many do that, know that if you increase in your character and honesty, and your family, friends and coworkers see that, you have already accomplished much greatness!
(3) Marvin Pietruszka, July 12, 2020 7:22 PM
which Psalms are for a cure for an illness?
Thank you.MP
Reuven Frank, July 13, 2020 4:15 AM
Hoping this helps -- a little bit, at least.
Dear Reb Marvin
In the Book of Psalms you are using, there should be a "Prayer for the Sick".
In the introductory paragraph above it, should be a list of the Psalms to say first, before the Prayer.
I used to have the list but can't seem to find it.
(That's why this is only helping, at most, a "little bit".)
In any case, you will need the prayer as well so I hope you find the list.
Alternatively, you can get onto Aish.com when the "Chat with the Rabbi" function is active. (Sometimes, you can get into chat but the Rabbi isn't there. BUT, you can schedule a time when he will be and ask him to please get you the list.)
It just occurs to me that he might well recommend the ArtScroll Book of Psalms.
This is well-organized, comes with all the prayers and lists I mentioned, has a lovely intro. to the Psalms, and even has a nice commentary.
I hope whoever you are praying for has a complete recovery, body and soul, speedily and in a short time time to come.
Sarah, July 13, 2020 8:07 AM
You don't specify what illness, but psalm, but psalm 41 is good for healing. If the problem has to do with kidneys, the letter קוף in psalm 119 helps with both right and small kidneys. And if the problem resides in the eyes, psalm 6.
Refua Shlema!
Sarah, July 13, 2020 9:03 AM
Sorry, I made a mistake! The correct letter for the kidneys in psalm 119 is the letter tet. By the way, when my husband z"l was having problem with his kidneys, my daughter and I would say this psalm, and it really worked! It has to be said 7 consecutive times.
And psalm 100 is good to promote happiness, which of course helps to heal!
Also, if the ill person is in hospital, or the illness is fraught with danger, it is recommended to say psalm 20.
(2) Anonymous, July 12, 2020 4:13 PM
Growing Awareness
I turned 80 two months ago. During the past several years I have transitioned from a long-time interest in Buddhism, which I have come to feel is lacking in personal warmth, to a primary interest in the deeper mystical elements of my birth religion, Judaism. During this time I have frequently thought back over the events of my life (so far - LOL!), and I often can see the non-randomness of these events. I have come to feel that G-d is always a constant presence, and more than that, that Hashem is intimately involved in all that happens to us. We are, every one of us, accompanied by and led by our Creator and Sustainer, and we are so blessed in this! Our task in life, every one of us, I now believe, is to bring mind and heart ever closer to G-d and to be helpful to all other of G-d's children, loving our sisters and brothers and easing their way as much as possible.
Anonymous, July 12, 2020 4:29 PM
Slight correction to my post: My 80th birthday was in April. (Ah well!)
Well, what's a month in the scheme of things?! LOL!
(1) Anonymous, July 12, 2020 12:21 PM
Beautiful article, so relatable, expressed so openly and so well.