One of my fondest childhood memories is visiting my grandparents' home. My father would bring my brother and me every Friday afternoon. Grandma would hover over us anxiously, feeding us her famous potato kugel, chocolate chip cookies, and ginger ale, all the while peppering us with questions and advice. Growing up among friends, most of whom had lost their grandparents in the Holocaust long before they were born, I felt very fortunate to enjoy the loving affection of doting grandparents.
Years passed and I grew up, married, and had children of my own. My grandparents' health began to fail. Grandma suffered from dementia and eventually she had to be put into a nursing facility where she spent the last seven years of her life. She seemed totally incoherent her last few years, incapable of even eating normally.
Visiting her was depressing; she was but a shadow of the vibrant, busy grandmother I had known and loved. I didn't even have the satisfaction of knowing whether my visits made any difference to her. I dutifully brought my children to visit the grandma they never really knew, but as time went on, the visits became shorter and less frequent.
My father would visit Grandma every single day. A loyal and loving son, he made sure she was well taken care of, and that she was given the proper nourishment and medication by the nurses. He also made sure she looked presentable, though I couldn't imagine anyone really knowing the difference. The nurses all knew my father would be there each day, gently checking on them, and they would treat Grandma more carefully than they would some of the other residents.
My father would often take my young children to visit their Eltere Bubby, their great-grandmother. They would return with enthusiastic reports, shouting with glee, "We saw Zaidy put make-up on Eltere Bubby's face!"
I wondered why God would prolong a life that seemed to have so little meaning to it.
I felt guilty not sharing my children's enthusiasm for visiting my grandmother, but I justified my behavior that they didn't remember her like I had, and it wasn't as depressing for them to see her as it was for me. In truth, I just didn't feel the same sense of responsibility for Grandma's well being that my father did, and I couldn't muster up that same tender affection my father showed his mother that had such an impact on my own children. I felt like I had already lost my grandmother several years earlier.
When Grandma passed away I was asked to eulogize her at the funeral. I loved my grandmother so much and I really wanted to express that love with the right words, but it was difficult planning what to say. The freshest memories in my mind of the past seven years were those of an incapacitated woman for which there was there not much to say. Frustrated, I wondered why God would prolong a life that seemed to have so little meaning to it. What purpose could there be to a life that is unable to perform any mitzvot [commandments] whatsoever?
But then it hit me. Who were we to decide what constitutes a purposeful life? Even after my grandmother was no longer able to care for herself, she had still provided her family with a model for the fulfillment of a most important mitzvah, honoring one's parent. My children were able to see their grandfather fulfilling his obligations to his mother with care and concern, although she may not even have known what was being done for her. Isn't that purpose too? After all, the primary function of a parent is to be an educator for his or her children. Sometimes educating may be more passive than it is active, but that may very well be the will of God for a specific individual in a specific time and place.
Belatedly, I realized that as difficult as the past seven years had been, we were very fortunate to have had Grandma playing her role as matriarch of our family. Whether she realized it or not, she afforded us a valuable experience. Ultimately, I have no doubt that Grandma, too, benefited from her role as a teacher for the family. That was her mitzvah.
Sudden Turn of Events
Several years passed and my wife and I were blessed with another daughter. Our joy was marred when shortly after her birth the doctor quietly informed us that the baby showed certain signs characteristic of Down Syndrome. Although we would not know the diagnosis for certain until test results returned, the initial feelings of fear and despair set in right away.
My wife and I looked at each other helplessly. The relatively smooth births of our other children, had not prepared us for this sudden turn of events. "How am I supposed to feel?" my wife asked, somewhat bewilderedly. "Is this really a simcha? We don't even know if the baby will ever be able to function properly. I don't know if I could handle this."
I tried to reassure her that many people with Down Syndrome are very high functioning, and with God's help, our daughter could be as well. But silently, I also wondered, "What if she won't be able to function properly? Of course everything comes from the Almighty, but what purpose could there be in a life unable to observe mitzvot? Is that not the purpose of our existence?"
I suddenly thought about Grandma who had taught us there can be purpose to life, any life, even when one is unable to perform mitzvot like everyone else.
Somehow, the question seemed to strike a familiar chord, though I wasn't really sure why. Then another familiar thought crossed my mind: Who were we to decide what constitutes a purposeful life?
I suddenly thought about Grandma who had taught us there can be purpose to life, any life, even when one is unable to perform mitzvot like everyone else. God, in His great wisdom, has a plan and a mission for every person, whether or not he or she is capable of realizing it.
A demented grandmother may fulfill her purpose by affording her family opportunities for mitzvot, and a challenged child can also fulfill her purpose in the same way, in addition to performing her own special mitzvot. Every child provides her parents with opportunities to practice love and kindness, and all the more so a special needs child. Of course, every parent would love to enjoy the nachas and joy a healthy child brings to his or her parents, but that is only secondary to the primary purpose in raising children, that of fulfilling the will of the Creator.
As I looked at our tiny, new daughter, I felt a wave of trust and encouragement wash over me. Hopefully, we would yet enjoy many accomplishments and much nachas from our daughter. But Grandma had already showed us that quality and purpose in life are far too valuable than to be measured by accomplishments alone.
(26) fred linnetz, March 5, 2006 12:00 AM
beautiful
a beautiful and accurate comentary on life
(25) Betty, February 28, 2006 12:00 AM
I recommend the lecture
Every family has almost a similar story
(24) David A. Miller, February 10, 2006 12:00 AM
Let's take the next step
Whatever path you take to the conclusion that every life is valuable, I support the result. But I too find disturbing the focus on people with disabilities as opportunities for others to do mitzvot and chesed. Perhaps that is the divine plan for an individual, but how can we know? There is too much danger in attributing value to a person only for the lessons they teach others, rather than for their own life--no matter what the conditions. It can result in the failure to treat an elderly person's medical conditions or the failure to educate a child. Even patronizing treatment and embarrassment are results we should take seriously. And what about the feelings of loneliness that are generated by treating a human being only as a spiritual lesson for others? I can not see the divine plan. Everyone has hurdles to overcome in life. Some are prominent, some are hidden. Everyone--holding that divine spark of life--deserves fair and equal treatment to the best of their abilities, as well as respect.
Anonymous, May 2, 2013 10:24 AM
maybe you missunderstood?
I don't see anything from the above article to indicate that the grandmother was not getting the very best medical care possible or that there was any neglect of any kind at all. Another reason for the suffering of old age is that it is an atonement for any sins the person may have committed .throughout his entire life. The reason for Downs syndrome , etc.is a tikun from a previous gilgul. Both these conditions certainly affect the person himself, and at the same time afford those around him the opportunity to do chesed.
(23) Ashvath Prasad, February 10, 2006 12:00 AM
Exactly what was bothering me........
I must say this article has been somesort of an answer I have been seeking amidst the many questions i have with regards to my purpose in life.
It was only yesterday when I was thrusted into a state of not knowing what I was made for.
What this article did was it showed how one being 'incapacitated ' is still not void of purpose to live. It's the mitzvuot, that is the purpose of living this life. That is why I am here.
I thank G-d for this article and Rabbi Ephraim through whom I was granted an answer I struggled to understand.
(22) linda, February 9, 2006 12:00 AM
wonderful story!
OH ! if only everyone would have the kindess and patiance of that father. the world would be a better place.
(21) Zeevah David, February 9, 2006 12:00 AM
Blatant misunderstanding of the author's intent
As the parent of a "high functioning" autistic child, I am moved by the author's insights in this article and distressed to read how totally incorrectly Anonymous has misunderstood what the author was saying. A child, not an object states that we need to stop objectifying special needs children and takes umbrage at the author's comparision of the valuable lessons and worthy of a person's life in dementia being compared to a similar value the author sees in the life of a possible special needs child. Personally I am humbled at the author's insights into the value of life no matter it's challenges and that is the message the reader should take away from this musings. Thank you Rabbi for sharing your thoughts and may your daughter bring you much joy.
(20) Michael, February 9, 2006 12:00 AM
Dearest Rabbi, Thank you for sharing this with us. G-D bless you always.
(19) Nomlas Fisher, February 7, 2006 12:00 AM
as I age!!
I was touched by your story,and recieved some insight as well,into being "old" and getting Older! I'm a little afraid,But with strength from G-d, my Loving Daughter,Son-in-Law and Two Beautifull,Smart GrandSons,5and6yrs. old, I'll be O.K. Thank you Rabbi Nisenbaum! yours Truly Nomlas Fisher.
(18) Anonymous, February 7, 2006 12:00 AM
A Child, not an object
Please do not mistake objectifying people with disabilities for inspirational writing. Aish publishes a number of articles portraying children with Down Syndrome (DS) as angels or as a means to spiritual enlightenment. Consider how these attitudes impact the community's attitudes toward people with DS. Examples: the piece where the author labeled a boy with DS as an angel for handing him a tissue, expressing profound suprise that this young man could be capable of such an amazing feat.
This week, a newborn with DS is equated with an elderly woman in the end-stages of dementia in teaching us about the purpose of life. It is unfair to perpetuate the canard that the purpose of people with DS is to serve as an object lesson.
I am the mother of a 9-year old girl with Down Syndrome. I want her seen first as a child, because that is what she is. She should be appreciated for her individual characteristics, just like anyone else. It is not my concern if others find her inspiring or enlightening or think that she has some sort of elevated soul. Being inspiring or enlightening will not get you into day school or summer camp or youth group. Being viewed as a Jewish child with the birthrights of Torah, Jewish education and community is a lot more realistic, and useful. Instead of emphasizing differences that might not even be there, perhaps Aish should focus on the similarities between all Jews.
(17) Anonymous, February 7, 2006 12:00 AM
Einstein a high performing Autistic???
Einstein.. Albert that is.. would probably be defined today as autistic..he didnt talk for years... his appearance was unkempt and he was cetainly obsessed by Physics... would he be classified as Autistic today??? However he contributrd to our Worlds education.. no matter what his label...
(16) Anonymous, February 7, 2006 12:00 AM
Down Syndrome Child as a Blessing from G-d
A dear friend of mine who had Down Syndrome died on January 1st, just over the age of 39 1/2. We had been friends for over 7 years. In that time, I got to know him and his loving family. Allen gave me an opportunity to be kind and patient. Though verbally primitive, he could very well express his desires; and he was very accomplished at getting what he wanted.
I understand that in Torah, Down Syndrome people are highly evolved neshamos whom G-d sends back to correct 1 or 2 minor character defects. When these corrections are made, then He takes their neshamos back to Himself.
I can still picture Allen, a Gentile, wearing a yarmulkah while I lit the Shabbas candles. He would rock slowly back and forth, just like he saw us do in shul. May he rest in peace.
Tu., 02/07/06
(15) felice, February 6, 2006 12:00 AM
This life is filled with challenges...
This was a beautiful article. Life and death are G-d given, and human beings usually do not understand the purpose that is behind everything that exists. Yet we are required to stand up to the test and do our best to succeed in the challenges that we are given. Our ability to do so earns us our place in this world and the world to come. No one is given challenges that he does not have the strength to stand up to.
(14) Anonymous, February 6, 2006 12:00 AM
Preciousness of Life
Mitzvah given is to all touched by the life given. As a CNA for 3yrs. I was deeply touched and changed by all the grandmas and grandpas that I assisted. It was a true blessing for me to be there when their own families were unable. G-d is good. I was made a better person with all the lessons of compassion that these precious ones taught me.
(13) Susan, February 6, 2006 12:00 AM
best thing that ever happened
I also have a daughter with Down syndrome, she is 17 now, she's my 2nd of 4 kids. She is the best thing that has ever happened to us and I thank G-d for her every day - for her unconditional love, and for all that she teaches us about life. Thank you for your article.
(12) Andrea Levy, February 6, 2006 12:00 AM
Tu b'shvat
Tonight at my shiur, we talked about tub'shvat and the fact that we need to treat everything on the planet as though it is created by hashem with a purpose to serve hashem. a worm serves hashem as much as the greatest tzaddik.
i have a child with a diagnosis on the autism spectrum. he is high functioning, but his neshama is as pure as driven snow. he has an effect on people around him, because they see his goodness and it moves them. thank g-d he is a wonderful son, a great brother to his sister, and he loves and is loved by our extended family and friends.
sure, it is stressful sometimes, mostly related to not knowing how his future will turn out, but truth be told, sometimes there is benefit to knowing what the challenges you face are, so that you can work around them instead of crashing into them.
i recognize how lucky we are in that his purpose is obvious, but i must say that the fact that we are not supposed to arbitrarily pick a stem of grass, lest we should keep it from doing it's intended service to god, is much harder to accept. still, it seems to me that respect for our world and its contents can never be a bad thing, so maybe i can take that respect for a blade of grass and utilize it towards others, whether i understand their purposes or not.
(11) Anonymous, February 6, 2006 12:00 AM
so inspiring
Thank you for reminding us to say focused in life.
(10) Lenore, February 5, 2006 12:00 AM
Touching.......
This was a wonderful account of an all too familiar setting....thanks for expressing it in such a wonderful way!
(9) Yoshe, February 5, 2006 12:00 AM
Tears that awaken
Thank you for
opening my heart
to the beauty of
kindness given
and received.
(8) Leah Abramowitz, February 5, 2006 12:00 AM
Very important article
This is probably one of the most important articles that I've read though the Aish website. I work with geriatric patients, especially with their families, as a social worker and administrator for the elderly demented. The most common question that I hear constantly from those family members who are genuinely concerned and empathetic with their loved ones is, "What's the purpose of all this suffering?" A lot of people want to know, "What did he ever do to deserve such an imglorious end?" or "He/She would never have wanted to spend their last years like this." The author puts the situation into context--a heavenly, all composing overview. Sometimes our elderly hang on to show us just what strengths and compassion we are capable of. As in the story maybe there's a need to teach the third and fourth generation a lesson. The nobility of mankind is proven not on the battleground or in the Knesset--certainly not in the Knesset. Very often it's expressed day after day, moment after moment, at the bedside of a frail, deteriorated and dying elderly.
(7) Marc Gelmon, February 5, 2006 12:00 AM
What difference does it make to perform said Mitzvoth or not
I am not an observant Jew, but that doesnt mean I am not a good person or good Jew for that matter. When I read an article such as this and the questions arose for the Rabbi and his wife as to what kind of Mitzvoth these people can perform, and if not, than what is their purpose? I get very confused as to the "real" meaning of being Jewish. I thought we were suppposed to see people as whole individuals no matter their abilities or dissabilities. It is not ours to judge their so called mitzvoth to perform. They should just be accepted as who they are and treated with dignity and respect whether in your eyes, they are able to perform so called mitzvoth or NOT!
(6) j chana pombo, February 5, 2006 12:00 AM
Purposeful Life
This is a wonderful article. I agree with Rabbi Ephraim Nisenbaum, "Who are we to decide what constitutes a purposeful life?" It seems that people are being judged this way more and more in our society, even in regards to social status,(education, wealth etc., etc.). I believe that the lessons of empathy and compassion are of great value in G-d's creation.
(5) Claire Salant, February 5, 2006 12:00 AM
Remember Moses
Hashem chose Moses at 80 and Aaron at 83 to lead the children of Israel to freedom. Let us all remeber that Moses had a disability-a speech defect. Is this not a lesson we should always remember-not he physical appearance, not the so-called "perfect" person or the vibrant youth-but the charcter, the soul, the neshoma of a person.
(4) Anonymous, February 5, 2006 12:00 AM
I can empathize with both feelings.
We recently lost our father, husband, patriarch. His last few weeks also seemed 'useless.' But we made a kiddush Hashem by always being there for him, never leaving him alone....
We also have a Down Syndrome member of our family. When people ask whether he understands what happened to his father, we emphaticly say yes. He misses his father and is happy that he was able to help him go to maariv, that he spoke to him from camp during the summer and that he can say kaddish. And yes he still lives at home at the age of 26.
(3) Anonymous, February 5, 2006 12:00 AM
wonderful lesson !
I have a friend going through a very difficult time and feels he has no purpose in life now.He is an excellent doctor and wonderful person and that is his mitzvah.
(2) Connie, February 5, 2006 12:00 AM
A Hard Hit Article
Although I'm not Jewish, I do read most of the articles printed, and this morning's article, Grandma's Lesson For Life, really hit home. What a wonderful reading and lesson well learned. Thanks so much for the priviledge of reading these articles.
Connie
(1) Anonymous, February 5, 2006 12:00 AM
It can be very difficult to care for a child with special needs
Platitudes abound: "HaShem chose you for this child', or "This is how you learn what it is to be human and humane - not like the Nazis who killed people with special needs".
Some of us really are not up to this task. It is hard. It is expensive. It rips apart marriages. Make no mistake: raising a child with special needs can tear people to pieces.
Some people do well, learn from the 'experince', love their special needs child more than they thought they could ever love any child, improving their entire outlook. Some people have or develop better understanding of HaShem and derive strength from Him. For those people I am glad, and if I can help make that happen I am also glad.
But we must remember that it just is not true for some parents and some familes. It is awful. And then our job, as outsiders, is to take the same lesson, one step removed, and do what we can to help, to find services, to provide respite, to fight bureaucratic indifference, and maybe take one notch off the level of pain for a parent trying to do his or her best.