Nothing about the way I grew up would have predicted where I am today. I was raised in a middle class suburb of New Jersey. The town, which was once staunchly Italian and Irish, had increasingly become more Jewish, mostly as a result of the migration of Russian and Israeli Jews in the ‘80s and ‘90s. Many of my friends were Jewish, simply because that's who lived in the town.
My family was secular, unaffiliated. I am originally from the former Soviet Union, where Jewish identity was stripped from people back in the Russian Revolution. My family somehow maintained their Jewish identity in a particularly Russian sort of way. This meant supporting Israel and gathering with family on holidays. Jewish knowledge or religious observance was not passed on. That was all seen as antiquated, something that modern, secular, city people did not engage in.
In college I began exploring my Judaism. I participated in Jewish activities, and even went on a short trip to Israel the summer after graduation. These were meaningful, but none moved me along as much as two months with Livnot U'Lehibanot in the fall of 1999. Livnot is a beautiful program that combines community service, hiking, and Jewish study in Jerusalem and Tzfat.
I didn't know it then, but the seeds planted by that program would eventually flower. I have evolved from a secular, unaffiliated, and unknowing Jew -- to one who identifies as traditional, with hopes to grow even further.
In the six years since I participated in that program, I've gotten married. I always wanted to marry a Jewish man, but after my return I also knew I wanted someone who shared my love of growing Jewishly. I became convinced that my future husband should, like myself, want to be affiliated with a traditional synagogue, keep a kosher home, support Israel, and be willing to send our children to day school so they could get the Jewish education I did not.
Positive Effects
Seek and you shall find, as the saying goes. And I did. My husband, an attorney, grew up Conservative. His family kept kosher at home, went to synagogue on the High Holidays, and had Passover Seders. They passed on the foundations of Judaism, but like many American Jewish families, did not imbue him with Jewish spirituality. When we married we began to build the kind of life we believed was important. The key was that we were in agreement about our Jewish values.
We began with a commitment to do something every week for Shabbat. We joined a local group of traditional Jews who rotated gathering in people's homes for Friday night services and a dairy potluck dinner. On those weeks we did not attend, we usually had a traditional dinner at home. On Saturdays we went about our lives, running errands, cleaning, shopping, etc.
When we began to search for a new home, we looked for a community that had a traditional synagogue along with a sizable traditional community. We found that mix in Highland Park, NJ, and bought a home close by that we could afford. We joined a synagogue where many members observe kashrut and Shabbat. As we acclimated, we began to attend Saturday morning services, and made a commitment to keep as much of Shabbat as we were ready for at this time.
I believe in combining practical strategies with spiritual ones.
After we moved, we became serious about starting a family. I am a big believer in combining practical strategies with spiritual ones. Why limit yourself, if there's power available in both? I recall long ago hearing about the mitzvah of mikveh. I dismissed it out of hand, because it seemed so archaic and unnatural.
This summer, at a reunion for my Israel program, I met a woman who made me rethink my position. She began going to the mikveh after someone suggested it as a remedy to infertility. She, like myself, came from a secular background, and was initially resistant to the idea of mikveh. But she tried it, recognized the positive effect on her marriage, and embraced the practice.
By the time we met, she was seven months pregnant, and believed that the mikveh had much to do with that. I decided to try it myself. Being in my 30s, I'll take whatever help I can get with fertility.
Much like the woman I met, I too have experienced the positive effects on my marriage. Although we are not so strict, during the off time we do abstain from marital relations. For me, the mikveh has become another important way to connect to my soul, and to the long line of Jewish matriarchs. It's about me and the Jewish people both.
Family Friction
My husband and I have grown a great deal since we first married. We went from living basically secular lives to ones with continuous Jewish awareness and a commitment to increasing practice. We assess our beliefs and practices at Rosh Hashana time, and decide together where we will go in the coming year. We have gotten tremendous support from people in our synagogue, who too have moved into a more traditional Jewish lifestyle. They keep us moving forward, when we feel weighed down by our families' and society's resistance.
We know we are swimming against the tide, and to some people that is threatening. We have dealt with criticism and judgmentalism from our families, friends, and even strangers. Yet we are committed to continue along this path because we feel strongly that it is rich with meaning and purpose.
The questioning of our lifestyle choices comes in many forms. Some of it is trivializing the additional practices we take on as being antiquated or illogical. I am also frequently told that support for Israel is all that's expected of a Jew.
Other times the pressure is about not being in flow with the rest of the family, for instance when family functions take place on Shabbat. I have gotten pressure about the importance of attending family events, of putting aside my personal beliefs for "what's best for the family," and even some guilt that my actions would forever harm my relationships with family members.
What was at first met with questioning and skepticism, has now become accepted as ‘just the way we are.'
I mitigate the criticism/guilt in a number of ways. The most important is what I term ‘consistent action.' Although not going out on Fridays, or not eating non-kosher meat, was at first met with questioning and skepticism, it has now become accepted as ‘just the way we are.'
I also try not to explain in-depth what we are doing, nor impose it on anyone else in my family. I respectfully explain our beliefs and practices when asked. I've learned to discern true curiosity from disdain.
I constantly draw strength from the sense of purpose I feel with the direction of our lives. I am overjoyed to be part of a Jewish community and of Jewish continuity. We know what we want to practice and why. We also know that we want to pass along to our children, God willing, both the knowledge and the spirit of our beautiful faith.
A friend once noted that once she was exposed to the "truth" of Judaism, she knew this was what would shape her life. I have to agree. Having assessed many "truths" in this world, for me, Judaism is the only one with authentic purpose and meaning. A soul at peace is the best mitigation of all.
One Way Ride
I don't know where we will ultimately end up -- if we will eventually grow to keep Shabbat completely, or the day will come where I only wear skirts, or if my husband will daven more than the once a week on Shabbat. All I know for today is that there is a peace in our lives that we did not experience prior. It is there because we have invited God and his values into our lives, into our home and even into our bedroom.
We know that we will never go back to the secular, spiritually disconnected Jews we once were. This journey is ‘one way' for us, and we are forever grateful.
(18) Nancy, June 30, 2014 12:04 AM
Wow! I didn't know anyone was going through a situation similar to mine. Hatzlacha on your journey.
(17) Gayla Ber, November 28, 2012 6:16 PM
I totally understand
I also started living a more observant lifestyle. Unfortunately, my husband is not quite as excited by the prospect of being more observant. He's happy to keep a kosher-style home, but he works Saturdays, and can't (or won't) give that up (it's a family business). My parents don't understand how a "nice Reform girl" could suddenly become observant, but I try to explain it's because of how they raised me, not in spite of how. There's been some wavering. I try not to drive Saturdays if I can help it, but as my children attend public school, classmates birthday parties are often on Saturday afternoons. So, we make Fridays special, we try to do Havdalah every Saturday (my girls love the 3-wicked candle that I bought in pink, one of their favourite colors). Where will I wind up on this path? Time will tell. I'm happy where I am now, though part of me yearns for more.
(16) Laurel-Esther, May 19, 2006 12:00 AM
so helpful ,am where you where and trying.
Thankyou so much, this article has given me great hope of being able to achieve peace in my walk with Hashem. I think that I and my family are where you where when you where first trying to find a Jewish space to live in. Most Shabbats we have candles and Torah Portion reading and celebrate the Haggim.However, this is as far as we are at and I have to admit that although I deeply desire a connected spirituality I still often feel lost at sea an d disconnected, so thank you and I will continue on our search and you have given me increased vision.Todah
(15) Chana Rivka, May 16, 2006 12:00 AM
wow
I just wanted to tell you that you are a true inspiration to me. I myself became orthodox just 6 years ago, when I was only 13. It has definitely not been the easiest thing in the world. I can toally relate to your feelings of guilt over not joining your family on Shabbos... my bracha to you is that you should continue in your search for truth and never stop growing and learning in Torah and mitzvos! Good luck- it is truly amazing what you have already accomplished!!
(14) Linda Hernandez, May 2, 2006 12:00 AM
I found her article encouraging and inspiring. I wish many blessings and continued growth for her and her husband. Although I am not Jewish, I have a special fondness for Judaism and your stories and websites have been a source of education and inspiration for me. I thank you very much.
Linda Hernandez
(13) Anonymous, April 29, 2006 12:00 AM
I can relate in an odd way. Raised Southern Baptist, I awoke to Judaism in my late teens. I converted 34 years ago.
(12) Anonymous, April 27, 2006 12:00 AM
I was blown away
wow natalie, what an ispiration you are! I was moved to tears as I read your article. I hope you only continue from here and know you are doing G-d will. He only wants us to be close to him and you are doing that today. I'm so inspired by you. thank you,
Aviva
(11) Doris J. Snyder, April 26, 2006 12:00 AM
Just Keep Going
You are doing what you are supposed to be doing...moving toward your historical and relgious life. I am 75 years old, raised by a large, warm, Jewish family which by the time I was born, had shed all observance. I grew up as asecular Jew, with no observance. In my adult years, craving something, I joined a Conservative congregation, got no spiritual grounding, and dropped out. Ten years ago, I joined a Chabad Lubavitch shul, moved by some inner need. Today I have a Grandson who is Shomre Shabbos. Each year I find I have moved closer to Orthodox observance. I have a long way to go, but I would never think of going back to the emptiness and lack of spirituality of the secular Jew. I see this movement of people toward observance going on all around me. It is an awakening that will be studied in future years. Don't ever look at how far you have to go, look only at how far you've come. We are being guided.
(10) Dovid Samson, April 25, 2006 12:00 AM
Slowly does it
One particular aspect struck me in your very honest article. You are taking things on slowly. That is so important.
A teacher of mine once said:"Becoming frum (observant) is like frying potato chips. If you do it too quickly, the outside gets cooked but inside it is still raw."
It is so good to see people taking their time to internalise the truths they learn.
(9) Elena Kriman, April 25, 2006 12:00 AM
Natalie,
it was striking to me that someone wrote so well about what I've been going through. I have the same background as you (I'm from the former Soviet Union, my family has been less than supportive, etc.), and I could've written a similar article, with only a few things that differ from what you've described. I'm becoming more observant as time goes by, and it is truly a one-way ride. Good luck,
Elena
(8) Diane Hartman Cudo, April 24, 2006 12:00 AM
Affirmation
Dear Natalie,
What a joyous statement of faith and commitment. HaShem does surely take joy and pride in you and your family! As you've shared, there is a tremendous peace and strength that comes from following what you believe to be true and right. Owning it as your own belief and practice without attempting to persuade or demand the same of your family and friends is a wonderful way to walk in peace. I merely want to affirm you in this choice and celebrate with you the delight of keeping and developing your faith. Supporting Israel is wonderful; while it may be all that the Jewish community requires, God requires more of us. Shalom from Israel.
(7) Basil Taylor, April 24, 2006 12:00 AM
This article has been truly encouraging. I too am seeking to rediscover my Jewish roots, and this has been met with some ridicule and resistance from those who do not understand the essence of being who you are. This includes family members. We are a special people in G_d's eyes and we should treasure the heritage He has given to us.
Thankyou for a wonderful article.
Zambia, Africa
(6) Barbara, April 24, 2006 12:00 AM
Inspiring
Natalie,
This article is just simply inspiring to me, someone who is on a growth of Jewish observence as well. I was raised much the same, with the privlege of going to a private hebrew high school. Since then my religiousity has grown. I just recently have begun observing Shabbat and plan on beginning keeping more strict kashrut laws in the coming months.
It puts everything into perspective when I know that other people are on the same path. Many times I beat myself up for not doing more sooner, forgetting the journey is half the pleasure. Thank you for reminding me.
All the best,
Barbara
(5) Anonymous, April 24, 2006 12:00 AM
Hatzlacha on your journey
Thanks for sharing your journey with us. Though we may never hear the "end" of the story, we're confident that your genuine search, courage and perseverance will take you far in life - wishing you all the best!
(4) Shelly, April 23, 2006 12:00 AM
I hear you
Having been adopted, and raised as a gentile, I completely hear what Natalie is saying. The journey for my family has been somewhat similar, and I could never see myself any other way. May we all be seekers of what HaShem has planned for us and never look back.
(3) aaron florer, April 23, 2006 12:00 AM
excellent article
loved this article wonderful much truth here! nee more of this type.
(2) Jennifer Rudner, April 23, 2006 12:00 AM
EXCELLENT - KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK
Hello. I live in Sandton, South Africa and I come from a very traditional family. We do all that we are supposed to do and keep up all the traditions. We go to an orthodox shul and I keep a strict kosher home, change for Pesach, fast on all the fasts but lead the sort of life that you do. I do a bit of shopping on shabbos, after going to shul. However, to me it is very important that my child (I have one) is exposed to being Jewish and to leading a Jewish life. She goes to a Jewish Day School and experiences all the traditions. One day when she makes a decision about her life, at least I can say that I set the example and I paved the way. I hope she will see that her life will be more enriched by leading a traditional Jewish life and marrying in the faith and carrying on with the traditions. Good luck to you, from me you will only receive encouragement. Jenni
(1) Jason Lipstein, April 23, 2006 12:00 AM
Excellent Story!
I know firsthand of what it is you're going through.. I am also a Ba'al Teshuvah. Mazal tov to you and yours..:)
Jason