I remember repeating a little chant to myself as a teenager and young adult: "Open your eyes, world, and see / Not the illness I despise / But me."
At the time I was struggling to cope with the confusing and often terrifying reality of mental illness in a world that seemed unready or unable to see the vulnerable, frightened girl beneath the myriad strange and confusing symptoms. How could I explain that despite the fact that I sometimes behaved in a way that most people dismissed as crazy, I was just as perplexed -- and probably more frightened -- than any observer could be by a mind that seemed to have betrayed me, thoughts that rushed out of control in unpredictable ways, and an increasing conviction that I had lost my mind forever. Above all, how could I let people know that though I appeared to have gone over the edge, to a place where "regular people" never venture, I was still a person whom they could relate to, if only they could understand?
Things fall apart; the center cannot hold / Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world. -- W. B. Yeats
I gazed out the window at the rather ordinary view below of comfortable-looking homes, manicured lawns, and people going about the business of living. It all seemed so reassuringly predictable, and I was lulled into a sense of calmness and security until I recalled my current reality with a sudden jolt. My heart caught in my throat, and a sharp, profound sadness struck at the very core of me, engulfing me. I used to be just another regular person, I thought.
Just a few months ago I had been an ordinary person living an ordinary life, indistinguishable from any other observant high-school girl busily involved in schoolwork and a lively social life.
I turned away from the small window with its thick black bars and heavy glass, and the painful reminders it afforded me of life "on the other side." Then I gazed bleakly at my surroundings. The room was small and bare, with a metal-frame bed nailed to the floor, stiff white sheets, and a scratchy wool blanket. There were no other furnishings, no pictures or knickknacks, nothing to give even the illusion of home. The heavy metal door was closed, though there was a small window toward the top that could be used to glance in at me.
Diary entry: I have not stepped out of this small room for 120 hours, excluding the minute it took me to get my lens case. Now I know why so much fuss is made about solitary confinement -- it's a painful ordeal. I got in here Friday afternoon and tomorrow is Friday again. I don't even know whether or not I hate it anymore. I'm apathetic. Do I have any higher aspirations than a one-bed room in a mental hospital? Here I'm safe. I've proven to myself that I can't handle the swirling, rushing whirlwind outside. I'm at the depths of despair.
Just outside the door, I knew, sat my one-on-one -- a staff person assigned to monitor particularly misbehaved patients 24 hours a day. How had I misbehaved? I had tried to put an end to my suffering. How being alone in a prison-like room, with no diversion and nothing to occupy me but my own depressed mind, was supposed to make me want to live was unclear. With time, I would understand that, in fact, the purpose wasn't to make me better; it was about keeping me under control. The fact that the "treatment" only deepened my desire to be out of this world seemed to escape anyone's notice.
I am in a tunnel
Engulfed in darkness.
They say there is a light ahead.
I strain my eyes
But I cannot see
Beyond the sea of blackness.
This is the first stanza of a poem I wrote at the time, trying to express my overwhelming, unremitting sadness, hopelessness, and despair. The type of depression I was experiencing responds neither to logic nor to reality. It is persistent and insistent and causes its victims to view everything around them in the most negative light possible. The day can be bright, hazy, or gray, but to a mind depressed, it is always black. Persuasive arguments, cajoling, threats, encouragement, or attempts to shift my perspective were all equally ineffective. My mind seemed to have lost its capacity for positive thinking as irrevocably as the loss of a limb.
All this began way before I landed in my hospital room. I remember attending an engagement party that took place in my high school for a new kallah in the 12th grade, a few weeks before my hospitalization. It was a lively party with food, dancing, and the kind of excited energy that teenagers so readily supply. I pretended to be interested and did a pretty good job of not standing out. I had made sure to button my Oxford uniform sleeves below the wrist and took care not to let the sleeves pull up. That way nobody would notice the Band-Aid I had placed on my wrist. Nobody would know about my pain. Nobody would think I was crazy. I could go on being just another high-school girl among so many others.
My strong desire to be "just another high-school girl" and not considered "crazy" was intensified by my mortification toward the end of the previous year, when I had my first encounter with a psychiatric ward. Mental disorders manifest themselves through the particular characteristics of the culture in which the person has developed. Having grown up in a religious neighborhood, my obsession took on a seemingly harmless, and perhaps even admirable, desire to become more religious. So my general, all-encompassing anxiety and sense of helplessness, and my compulsive desire to regain control, were directed onto the one area of my life where I felt control was possible. I wanted to do every mitzvah and keep every detail of Jewish law in the most exacting way. I wanted God to be pleased with me and thought the way to accomplish this was to make my observance of each mitzvah increasingly more complicated and difficult.I didn't simply kiss each mezuzah I saw; I kissed it many times, each time reciting an additional prayer.
My mind was slowly slipping away and I began to experience mild hallucinations.
I also began to experience what I would later recognize as delusions and mild hallucinations. I would look around the classroom and convince myself that certain girls were holy tzaddikim with a special connection to God. I made these determinations judging by a special glint I "saw" in these individuals' eyes. Very few made the mark. Most everyone's eyes seemed blank.
My mind was slowly slipping away, yet I don't recall seeking help, nor do I recall anybody trying to reason with me. My longer morning prayer sessions in school progressed from an extra half-hour to an extra hour and a half. I would retreat to an isolated corner in the school building to complete them. I do remember encountering some resistance to this behavior, but I was for the most part allowed to continue uninterrupted until, finally, things came to a head.
One day I decided to pay a solitary visit to the school library. Surrounding myself with piles of Jewish books, I opened each one in turn and thought I saw various passages and sentences lighting up before my eyes. The words jumped out at me. I concluded that it was my divinely appointed mission to bring these passages to everyone's attention so -- helping myself to the use of a photocopier -- began frantically photocopying massive amounts of material. Then, using a highlighter and pen, I furiously underlined the sections that seemed particularly crucial and began taping the photocopied pages in highly visible places around the room, forming a virtual collage of messages that I just knew God wanted me to share. In the midst of this frenzy, a teacher happened to walk into the library, took one look at me and the whole scene, then walked out. She must have alerted the administration because shortly thereafter I was sent home under supervision.
At home, I continued imposing many new self-created rituals and demands on my overworked mind and body, all ostensibly in the name of becoming a better Jew and closer to God. My family undoubtedly noticed my growing frenzy but found my behavior so confounding that they were at a loss as to what to do. It wasn't long before my efforts to control my actions escalated into a consuming effort to control my thoughts. Now, not only could I not speak lashon hara, I was also forbidden to think it. Eventually I only allowed myself thoughts I considered holy and directly related to establishing a connection with God. The demands I placed on my mind were so extreme that I could no longer walk about and perform any normal daily activity. I concentrated all my energies on my burdened mind and became increasingly dysfunctional, to the point where I simply retreated to my room and rocked back and forth for hours, desperately trying to keep the "good" thoughts in and the "bad" ones out.
By now, some of my bewildered family members were trying to cajole me out of my frenzy, with invitations to join them at normal daily activities. But I was too far gone. I was enslaved now to my obsessive and ritualistic thoughts and could not respond to their desire to help. I had stopped eating, drinking, and sleeping, focusing all my energy on thought-control. I retreated completely into myself as my mind unraveled. After a few sleepless nights, I began experiencing vivid visual hallucinations. Suddenly there was a waving American flag and then a resplendent bird on the wall, then a dark, shadowy monster. I decided the monster was the yetzer hara, the evil inclination, and that I must fight it. So I attacked my hallucination, physically wrestling with the dark image in my room, never comprehending for a moment that this self-created symbol of evil was but a product of my disintegrating mind.
Somewhere about this time, the thought of a mental institution entered my mind. The idea presented itself not as a place I might need to go for help, but as impending punishment for my sins. I became convinced that I would go to this disturbing place that I envisioned as a deep black pit of despair, replete with crazy, gesticulating, and wild-eyed inhabitants. A sharp terror struck the core of my being as I became increasingly frightened that I would spend the rest of my life in a holding cell for lunatics.
Sensing my helpless mind's loss of control over itself, I became increasingly frantic and focused on doing whatever I could to stay in control.
I have often wondered how this downward spiral came about in such a short period of time. I think that as I increasingly sensed my helpless mind's loss of control over itself, I became increasingly frantic and focused on doing whatever I could to stay in control. This took the form of being "more religious" and the idea that it would be possible to please God to the exclusion of all people in my life. Much like the symptoms of anorexia or obsessive-compulsive disorder, my desperate need to manage an increasingly disordered mind was not related to any real process of becoming more religious. Genuine spirituality does not lead to darkness, dysfunction, or madness. If it leads to madness, it's obviously not spirituality.
When I eventually ended up on a psychiatric ward, after the involvement of the local Hatzalah who were contacted by my increasingly frightened and bewildered parents, I assumed I had finally arrived at the institution of my worst nightmares.
"Grab her arm!" "Hold her down!" Instructions whirled around me as I was strapped to a chair on wheels and my arms were restrained. I put up little resistance, still focusing on turning all my thoughts heavenward, determined not to be distracted. By this time, the thoughts were disjointed and torturous. They continued incessantly, spinning increasingly out of my control. A needle was jabbed into my arm as I was unknowingly administered my first dose of psychiatric medication. I didn't know what it was, nor did I care, as I concentrated on the spinning whirlpool of thoughts in my mind. I was wheeled into an elevator and led to a small white room. I would later learn that this room was especially reserved for severe cases and therefore situated right near the nurse's station. I was placed on a bed, and thick white straps of canvas-like material were wrapped tightly around my body. My wrists and ankles were fastened to the headboards with metal restraints, closely resembling handcuffs. Encased and immobilized in my first straitjacket, I was a mummy-like figure, completely powerless and helpless. I could not so much as scratch my nose or move a strand of hair from my eyes.
Then I noticed something strange and wonderful. My thoughts -- all those swirling, urgent, nonstop thoughts -- had vanished. My mind was clear. My feeling of relief was huge, and I began to realize how tortured and entrapped I had been by my own mind. I thought they would now release me. When they didn't, I turned my attention to my physical state. My muscles began aching. I started itching in places I could not reach. I began to feel desperate and tortured.
Twelve hours elapsed from the time my mind cleared to my eventual release -- twelve desperate, torturous, terrifying hours. Nobody tried to talk to me. No one inquired as to my state of mind, which they were supposedly treating. Nobody thought it worth their while to let me know why I was tied up, or how long I would stay that way. I was free to imagine the worst. How long could they keep me confined?
This was my first of many encounters with the random brutality prevalent in many psychiatric hospitals. I emerged from this experience shaken and subdued. My mind was indeed cleared of obsessive thinking, but now there were other problems. I could not speak coherently. I could not express my thoughts. I was reduced to mumbling and the occasional one- or two-word sentence. I knew I appeared confused, slow, or demented, yet was inwardly formulating coherent thoughts and ideas that I simply could not express in any meaningful way.
My horror intensified after a staff member brought me some beads and string as a form of recreation. For what seemed like hours, I tried to put those beads on that string. But my hands wouldn't work. Eventually, a staff member brought me extra-large beads and a thick string, and I slowly and painfully began to bead. My pain wasn't physical; it emanated from the shocking realization that I could not perform this activity any better than the average three-year-old.
Was I doomed to exist forever as a mere shadow of my former self?
I realized I had also lost my ability to write. The pencil would not cooperate, the letters would not form. My mind could not dictate the action of my hands.
I was engulfed by sorrow and unspeakable terror. Was I doomed to exist forever as a mere shadow of my former self, with no way to communicate or function beyond the barest minimum?
"Shani, can you check my English composition before I turn it in?"
"Shani, could you explain that geometry equation?"
"Shani, your grade of 99 percent is the highest in the chemistry class. Congratulations!"
A part of my mind drifted back mournfully toward these and similar conversations that had taken place in my high school. But that was before, I reminded myself -- before I learned that my mind could malfunction like some mechanical object gone awry, before my capacity for rational thought was swept away by the tidal wave that had mysteriously overtaken my brain. Before I went crazy.
Only a few months before, I had been a fairly popular, high-achieving high school student. As my principal would later apologize, "Even if we had known how to help you, how could we have predicted all this? Up until your breakdown, you seemed just fine." There was no way for her to know. There was no way for me to know. The events now unfolding were beyond my wildest imagination. The seeds of mental illness had been planted long before, but as they grew, silently and insidiously, bringing my mind closer to the oncoming destruction, not a clue was detected by anyone, including me.
Hefty doses of antipsychotic medications, along with my four-week stay on the second floor of the hospital's psychiatric unit, eventually tamed what would soon be classified as a manic episode, and I was sent home. There, to my enormous relief, I gradually regained some of the crucial skills and functions I had lost. Though shaken, traumatized, and considerably humiliated by my recent, rather well-publicized encounter with madness, I was functioning well enough to attend the beginning of high school the following year.
Then the lights went off again. The world went dark. My mind slowly filled with somber thoughts of frustration, futility, and death. Self-destructive urges became increasingly persistent and frequent. I was as frightened and baffled by these new developments as I had been by the previous ones.
I wrote more poetry.
Self-destructive thoughts led to concealed desperate actions. But my secret would not hold. I could not contain it. And shortly thereafter I revisited the fourth floor. I occasionally acted out the depth of my inner despair by periodic attempts to physically harm myself, and by an ongoing refusal to eat, bursts of temper, and fits of crying. The sense of hopelessness was constant, though I was able to utilize the changing activities and various interactions on the ward as temporary distractions.
Eventually I stabilized sufficiently to be released again, in time to complete the academic high school year. Once again, I tried to ignore the humiliating fact that everyone knew I had been in a mental hospital. One or two of my close friends were brave or curious enough to ask for details, and the subsequent disclosures ultimately strengthened my bond with them. In a gesture that would prove crucial to my future well-being and ability to cope, my principal did some research and referred me to a wonderful psychiatrist, which resulted in a long-lasting, productive, and healing relationship.
Though I was back with the same teachers and the same friends, I was not the same. I continued to experience exaggerated mood swings and a host of other disturbing and uncomfortable symptoms. I suffered from panic attacks, impulsive thoughts, self-destructive impulses, a heightened level of anxiety, and sluggishness. I was no longer able to concentrate well in class and could not process and absorb information as quickly or easily as I always had. Studying for exams became harder; I had difficulty reading and remembering. I instinctively tried to make up for these puzzling new limitations by studying longer and harder, but my grades fell. I was no longer a top student. I lived with an inner shakiness. I had learned something: life as I knew it could suddenly fall apart. I felt an ongoing anxiety that my struggling mind would shatter once again...that the world would again be transformed into a disturbing and terrifying place.
Outside school, I was speedily being initiated into the world of mental health practitioners and treatments. The first lesson was that not everyone who said they could help actually could. The second lesson -- one I am still absorbing to this day -- was that there's no such thing as a magic cure. For me and for most people who struggle with mental illness, there is no pill to make it all go away. Learning to live with the presenting symptoms of a mental illness is a meandering, highly individualized process full of trial and error. Though there is much to be learned from networking with others who live with mental illness, the most effective coping mechanisms necessarily differ from person to person.
There was a time when I clung to this diagnosis of bipolar disorder like a lifeline. It actually has a name.
Over the next two decades I would collect a colorful and varied repertoire of diagnoses, depending on which symptoms happened to present themselves when I was consulting this or that practitioner, or upon admission to this or that psychiatric ward. But the prevailing diagnosis, the one that most aptly encapsulates my various episodes, is bipolar disorder. There was a time when I clung to this diagnosis like a lifeline. It actually has a name,
I've never had diabetes, but I can tell you this much: bipolar disorder, or any other mental illness, is nothing like diabetes. Healing the symptoms of mental illness is more art than science, and there is no linear route to health, no well-defined solution that works similarly in all cases. Over time, I have attached less and less importance to the diagnosis. It matters little how the current psychiatric manual describes it. I have to live with myself, not some description on a printed page. I am not a list of symptoms. Like everyone else, I have a unique personal history, a unique family history, and a unique personality.
In my life I have visited not only the depths of despair, and the fantastical dreamlike whirlwind of psychoses and mania, but also the simple joy of everyday moments and the quiet satisfactions of life's ordinary ups and downs. Living within my limitations, I have experimented with different work environments and remained successfully employed through most of my adult years. Run-ins with mental illness have put an end to some jobs, but for the most part my decisions to maintain or leave a given job have been made of my own volition.
I have enjoyed new friendships in the two decades since my first encounters with mental illness; the most satisfying friendships permit me to be up-front about the realities the illness has created in my past and present life. In general, I gravitate toward people who have the ability to openly accept this aspect of my existence and see beyond it. Though I also have many relationships with people who either do not know of my history, or those who know about it but would rather not relate to it, these are inevitably more limiting, in the sense that I must filter my past and present to suit their expectations.
I have met people who have the openness of mind and spirit to accept and value me, despite the fact that my mind sometimes shatters.
I learned to hide. I developed a ready supply of superficial alibis to explain away substantial chunks of time spent behind locked doors, and to omit anecdotes of people and events directly related to whole segments of my life. Hiding is an art form. I have sometimes been up-front with the wrong people at the wrong time and have learned the hard way that a diagnosis of mental illness can effectively shut the door to certain jobs, living accommodations, and necessary social interactions. However, amid those closed doors, I have discovered some that remain steadfastly open. I have met people who have the openness of mind and spirit to accept and value me, despite the fact that my mind sometimes shatters. These people instinctively understand that mental illness is not contagious and that a person who has survived episodic breakdowns of the mind and spirit can still conceivably function well, work effectively, and contribute to society. They recognize that someone who has experienced the extremes of human emotion may also possess an unusual capacity for empathy and a fine-tuned sensitivity to others in distress. But such people are in the minority.
Through the years, I have explored various treatment options and have been placed on a wide variety of psychiatric medications, with varying degrees of success. I sometimes experienced debilitating and severe side effects, usually resulting from the incorrect dosage of certain drugs administered by irresponsible psychiatrists. I learned to be careful and discriminating when choosing practitioners. I learned to ask questions before agreeing to medications and, to a large extent, have learned what does and does not work for me. Ongoing talk therapy, including six years of productive psychoanalysis, has helped me gain insight, self-awareness, and coping skills.
Of course, it's not only therapy that helps develops better coping skills. So does living life. I find that as I get older, I have more resilience and adaptability when dealing with the world's inevitable ups and downs, and my episodes of illness get fewer and further between as I learn to avoid certain potential triggers and deflect others through better coping mechanisms. The effect of the illness on my day-to-day life has lessened, and for long stretches of time, I can forget there's anything unusual about me at all.
The man I married ten years ago stays staunchly by my side. I have never ceased to admire his ability to accept the realities of my past and present, to appreciate me, and to focus on the healthy aspects of my personality. His unique brand of humor livens up my days and sometimes finds me laughing through my tears, in spite of myself. From the start, I have been completely honest and straightforward with him about my history of mental illness, and thus experienced his wonderful acceptance of me from the time we were first introduced and were getting to know each other. His attitude when searching for a wife was that he wanted someone who understood that life offers suffering along with all its joys. Unfortunately, I have been through a number of dramatic illness-related episodes during our marriage, and these have sometimes strained our relationship considerably. They have also provided me with an opportunity to realize the depth of my husband's devotion and his resilience as we moved past these episodes and continued our usual lively, dynamic relationship.
I often take a moment to appreciate and marvel at the wonder of their existence and of motherhood itself.
From the onset of the illness, I worried that I might never be able to have children. I longed for children, though, and desperately wanted to become a mother. With careful planning and expert control of medications by competent professionals, my dream has, thank God, become a reality. I am blessed with beautiful children who give me tremendous joy. They allow me the chance to become reacquainted with the delights of childhood, continually reminding me how much fun life can be. I am profoundly grateful for the opportunity to bear and raise them, which I do not take for granted, considering the many pitfalls that could have prevented me from realizing this dream. When I look into their beautiful sleeping faces each night, enjoy a quick hug or a child's carefree laughter, I often take a moment to appreciate and marvel at the wonder of their existence and of motherhood itself.
I can't give myself credit for the remarkable comebacks I have made from the precipices of insanity, or for my numerous narrow escapes from the threat of long-term institutionalization. Certainly, I have tried mightily to swim against the current of madness, yet something larger than me is at work. Someone has sent me angels to help me along the way and pick me up when I fall. He who sent me my trials and tribulations also made sure I had the means with which to find solutions. However, I have struggled with the concept of a benevolent and loving Creator as I careened through varied torturous inner and outer scenarios and tried to make sense of it all. Following is a portion of a poem I wrote as I searched my soul.
The angels in my life have been ordinary people with extraordinary hearts and the ability to provide the unique type of help I need time and again. The remarkable psychiatrist who was introduced to me by my high-school principal ultimately provided insight, guidance, and medical advice over the span of two decades, without monetary or other apparent gain to himself. A certain wonderful woman displayed wisdom and incredible patience over many years, spending countless hours on the phone and in person. She listened to my often confused and desperate ramblings, deciphering and untangling the knots in my narrative, despite the demands of her own large and growing family -- also with no outwardly apparent benefit to herself. Devoted family members followed me repeatedly into the dungeons of horrifying institutions, providing financial or other assistance whenever possible, and encouraging me with their continued optimism that I would somehow, someday, get well. A talented psychotherapist appeared on the scene when she was most needed, forging a path to healing in her gentle, inimitable way.
My husband and children's ability to draw out the healthiest parts of me provide a balm to old wounds and a continuing sense of purpose and direction. The friends who stayed with me through it all, supporting me when I could not function, and their invaluable gift of ordinary friendship just as soon as I could rejoin them are all among my many angels.
But through all those years
I have been touched by angel
In the background, in the forefront
Hovering, protecting, watching, caring
Never abandoning
Angels with the attributes they say reflect Himself
"Hashem, Hashem, God, compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger and abundant in kindness and truth"
So I look back through the years
And remember moments of grace
Flashes of beauty
Interludes of reprieve
But most of all I remember the angels
And it all comes rushing back to me
And I know He is there.
"Things Fall Apart" is from Sarah Shapiro's recently published All of Our Lives: An Anthology of Contemporary Jewish Writing, [Targum/Feldheim]
Can He be found in the rotting walls
Of a neglected locked ward?
A prison for those
Already locked in their minds?
Can He be found in the screams of the desperate
Or the chilling laughter of the insane?
In the straps so cruelly fastened
For days and nights on end
On a body already broken
By a crushed and defeated spirit?
The terrible darkness
Rushes in on me.
Discouragement reigns,
Despair clutches at my heart.
Yet despite all this,
A spark of hope still flickers.
But I cannot survive on hope alone,
So I search for a way out.
(105) Anonymous, December 21, 2020 3:15 PM
Loved your article ! Bravo to you for sharing your story
Loved your article !I am a mental health counselor And Would love to be in touch with you regarding many ideas to help others I am looking for writers of my new magazine on mental health. Also be a guest speaker in my weekly support group Looking forward to hearing back from u My email is reachingnewheightsmy@gmail.com
(104) Samuel, June 29, 2015 5:30 AM
Others have been there, and left for good.
I have met several people who have gone through what you describe. They have all found genuine relief using a product made and distributed by NutraTek. Google the company (located in Raymond Alberta, Canada). Their product(s) are effective for many and relatively inexpensive. They will direct you to scientific studies you will find compelling. May you find the long term relief that I have observed. My "hat" is off to your husband. May the Creator continue to bless you. Sam
(103) Anonymous, April 21, 2013 8:43 PM
Any chance I could get this article in Hebrew?? Or other articles by the author. I would really appreciate it.
(102) Yehudis R, February 4, 2013 10:29 AM
but where did it all come from? and why?
There's one crucial aspect you don't address. Why do you think this happened - is happening - to you? Of course we can never know the answer to such a question with certainty, but to avoid addressing this ? is like saying God did this "for no reason." You mention "healing the symptoms." There's no such thing. Healing refers to the "disease." Symptoms are either present or absent. You don't have a disease, and even the best qualified psychiatrist can't identify one, either, as there is absolutely no proof that bipolar is a true illness - no brain studies, no genetic marker, nothing. Healing in the case of mental "illness" really means that the person has examined what led to today's point and worked through the factors that led to psychic pain. Healing means gaining an understanding of oneself and an acceptance of oneself together with all mental states - and we all have our ups and downs. OCD symptoms such as you describe don't just pop out of nowhere because you "went mad" or "manic" which is just a nicer way of saying the same. They say something profound about your self image and acceptance/non acceptance of yourself, and to go forward in life without addressing all this is to deny Hashem's hashgachah (God's message to you) in all of this. Do you really feel healed, or are you just "managing"? I really hope the former, but from my own experience with mental illness, I find it hard to believe that someone who is still living in the blurred world of medication where feelings are numbed and the self has become something distant (self meaning the entirety of self, including the unconscious) can be healed. Medication does have its place but only as a temporary measure, to get a person to a place where the core issues can be addressed. Unfortunately, medication used for extended periods can actually cause brain problems. This is well documented though BigPharma has been very successful in keeping it relatively unknown. I wish you and all of us true healing.
(101) Abby, February 3, 2013 8:53 PM
Inspirational thoughts
Shani, you truly are a woman who inspires those who may feel they are alone within themselves. You have empowered all women. B- H
(100) Susan in Toronto, October 23, 2012 4:20 PM
Than you
Shani, You're one of the most articulate, insightful women I have ever read. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your experience and wisdom. Wishing you many blessings and the very best of health.
(99) Malka, October 19, 2012 3:45 PM
Inspiration
you are an amazing source of inspiration to all of us, of how to navigate throuhg lifes ups and downs, may you always be zoche to be this resilient, this self-aware and so amazing at communicationg to others
(98) Shayna, October 19, 2012 6:05 AM
Wow. Your story is extremely powerful and beautifully written. Thank you so much for sharing.
(97) Laurie, October 18, 2012 6:41 PM
incredible
you are an incredible source of strength and have so much perspective on yourself and life in general. As I was reading I was anxiously awaiting to see if you were married and my heart sincerely melted when I saw that you were! I am so happy for you that you have been so strong and I wish you more koach as you navigate your way through it all!
(96) Anonymous, October 17, 2012 8:31 AM
Beautiful, brave and powerful work.
Thank you for your courage in sharing this article. Your honesty and faith are inspirational.
(95) Devora, October 17, 2012 3:56 AM
You are my hero
It's inspiring and uplifting to read about your struggle. I, too, struggle to get through the day with my paranoia, anxiety and irrational fears plaguing my waking minute. It's often hard to think, accomplish, work and dream about a future with a husband and children when I can barely cope with just myself to take care of. Thank you for your candid portrayal of your mental illness and providing hope to others.
(94) Rivkah, October 16, 2012 5:52 PM
Thank you & refuah-shelayma
This was a superbly written article. You have been given an extraordinary gift of communication! Thank you for sharing part of your story. I pray that you merit to keep all the gifts your experience has given you while enjoying a refuah-shelayma and true soul deep peace.
(93) Sheila Kirche, October 16, 2012 5:38 AM
Moving, articulate and poetic. Thank you
What an amazing piece of writing. Thank you for sharing this and for displaying the courage that you have. May Hashem bless and support you.
(92) Suzanne, October 16, 2012 1:10 AM
Writing this took real guts
Thanks so much for sharing. People need to understand that many people who have experienced mental illness are just like people anywhere - except that they have been put through hell and their stuggle for regaining life has been enormous. Shani, I certainly hope that the worst is behind you and I wish you everything good.for a happy future.
(91) Anonymous, October 15, 2012 5:59 PM
Thank you for your brave and honest article. may Hashem continue to grant you good things!
(90) sheri, October 15, 2012 3:31 PM
superb!!!
I think that the society has come a long way in accepting mental illness. i still feel, as a mental health professional, that there is still a long way to go in really accepting it as something real- the brain- equally as they would accept epilepsy. in my opinion, people in general have such a fear, almost a primal fear of "getting" a mental illness. maybe bec. life is so difficult as it is, that they are afraid it could get more difficult. i dont know exactly the reasons. the positive is that there is alot more acceptance out there, think about it. in the 1950's people were just locked away for life- unless they could somehow escape, like a jail. they were given "treatments" against their will, shots of who know what-basically to knock them out, etc. TODAY patients have rights. they sign a form to that affect. but like i said before, there is definately further we need to go as far as the stigma and fear, thankyou very much for your honesty, it is refreshing as well as very informative.i agree that this should be required reading for mental health professionals. THANKYOU!
(89) ruth housman, October 15, 2012 3:23 PM
manic depression aka bipolar disorder
People go through hell in various ways, and I believe for those who experience these agonizing lows, and then ecstatic highs, are heroes and heroines of great magnitude. The go to the sky and visit the planets, and then come thudding down to earth and hit the dark spots. I believe life has these bumps, as in time jumps, as in the extremes of emotion are present on a continuum for us all, and some take that slide, from high to low so easily, as if the slide is oiled. and it's painful, and often terrible, and often also, ecstatic, as in a feeling of union with the universe. Those who took or take psychedelic drugs often experience this, that the fire becomes the rose, and there is an ecstasy to what is perceived almost beyond words, and then despair, that is dark beyond imagining. I honor this. I see that all life is bipolar, and if anti psychotics, that are about merger, as in preventing merger, because surely I see the deep metaphoric parts to all this, well they are important, in keeping people in the moment with boundaries. In actuality we do not have boundaries, being chemical soup. We are part and a part, and we are all one, and alone. We could not exist in that merged state, here, on earth and function. But what is experienced is very real, and very terrifying, and it's going to the poles, fast, in a bipolar world. And often there are deep and lasting insights from this, that are about God, about the universe, and about what's cosmic and unifying too.
(88) Anonymous, October 15, 2012 9:04 AM
thank you
Thank you for your courage to share you story. Thank you for the generosity and frankness to tell the truth and express yourself in ways that open our eyes. What a mysterious part of life and mind. There but for the grace of G.d go I. There are stories of my grandfather... people on the street called him crazy. I never knew him but my mother keeps telling me how proud he would be of me. Oh the mystery of what is hidden but the threads of the heart that bind us in spite of our secrets. Thank you for articulating your experience so we could have a glimpse of sameness that connects us all. Thank you for keeping your faith, seeing the angels, and trusting there is meaning in it all. An old high school friend of mine shared some details of her extended stays in psychiatric institutions. I listened. I loved her through it. But I'm not sure I really gave her the support she needed from me. I could see her essence through the stories and I knew that she was not her mental illness but an experience in her journey. I never knew what to say though. I hope you will keep writing Shani, because you have a lot to say and we have so much to learn. G.d bless you! <3
(87) Anonymous Mom, October 15, 2012 4:09 AM
THanks
As the mother of a college student recently diagnosed with bipolar, this was very useful in helping me to understand what our daughter may be going through. Thank you for being so open about it so capable in your use of language.
(86) Shaindy, October 15, 2012 4:07 AM
Thank you
This is one of the most powerful things I've ever read. Your strength leaves me in awe. This essay should be required reading for mental health professionals. Thank you so much for sharing it.
(85) suri katz, October 15, 2012 2:30 AM
We owe you one.
You explained some of what you went through so well. I think the reason most of us avoid people with mental illness is fear of the unknown. Now that you have demystified mental illness, it should be alot easier for us to feel comfortable and regular around people who have mental illness. That in turn helps us just be nice and be our wonderful selves to you. You have done the mentally ill community a great service
(84) Rahel, October 14, 2012 8:57 PM
Thank you, Shani. You are an angel for sharing your life. So much pain. I was moved to tears. I believe you are on a high level, teaching those who don't have a clue. We all come here w/ something to be fixed ... some are more invisible , like bipolar/autism/schizophrenia or many middot. Some like orthopedic irregularities are more visible. I'm so glad you are surrounded by loving family and friends. Shalom uvracha ...and thank you again.
(83) Anonymous, October 14, 2012 8:47 PM
Incredible resilience
Thank you so much for sharing your story and providing hope for others.
(82) Hanna Perlberger, October 14, 2012 5:16 PM
This is the most touching story I have ever read about this subject. You have a special gift for writing, for sharing and bringing to life what is usually inexpressible by many, and unimaginable to most. Some illuminate darkness by lighting a candle - I believe you have made the darkness itself your candle. Thank you for sharing your story and showing us the courage of choosing life. You are really making a difference.
(81) Anonymous, October 14, 2012 3:02 PM
only a person who is married to a lovely person who is schizophrenic
Thank you Shani for your strength and beauty of writing to share your experiences with bi-polar disorder. My husband told me at the time of his first psychotic break that his diagnosis is schizophrenia, and fact he DID not tell me before we were married. His psycholtic episodes are all different..and comes in many disguises. The descriptions you wrote about nd your insights and feelings reminded me of the mysteriousness of mental disorders. It is a pretty confusing situation for the person experiencing the episode, as well as family, friends and sometimes even the health care personel. Bravo for your courage and insights in sharing.
(80) Anonymous, October 14, 2012 2:36 AM
We need more voices like yours!
I have a mother with bipolar. When she first displayed symptoms and was diagnosed, I was already married and having children of my own. Witnessing the breakdown of her mind, it was very clear to me that this was an illness of the brain, akin to a physical ailment of the body. Just as Hashem causes some people to become sick with cancer, He causes others to suffer from depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, etc. I hope that one day, people will realize this truth, and the stigma of mental illness will be removed. In the meantime, I applaud you for sharing your story with others.
(79) Anonymous, October 13, 2012 9:08 PM
I appreciate your honest and genuine description of what it is like to live with mental illness and I am amazed by your resilience and were able to work against the stigma that often, unfortunately comes with mental Illness. You are a true light and your story touched me immensely.
(78) Anonymous, September 4, 2012 5:13 PM
hard to hope
I applaud you for sharing. I cried reading your story because I have a son with bi-polar disorder and there are times whne he wanted to die and I actually thought he would be happier that way, he was so miserable. To feel this way as a parent is the most heart breaking feeling in the world. Luckily he does not have the nerve to do peranent damage but he has cut himself and hurt himself in other ways. My visits to ERs, psych wards, dealings with school officials and staff who don't understand or care give me little hope most days. You gave me a little hope with yoru story. Thank you for sharing.
(77) Bracha, February 13, 2012 6:13 AM
You are an inspiration to the world!!!!!!! especially frum community!!!
Wow Shani!!! Your story really touched me!! I know what its like to feel at war with your own mind!!! I live with borderline personality disorder, they are similar in ways. Both can be extremely destructive!!! I actually got a little nervous because these days I like frummed out!!! I was thinking maybe it was an obsession. I really hope not!! I need God in my life so much right now! Anywas your story was amazingly expressed!!!!! and I admire your ability and resiliance!!! you are amazing!!!!
(76) Don Reaux, January 1, 2010 2:11 PM
Excellect portrayal of illiness
Very encourging that you had family support.
(75) vinbeazel ApprenticeTeacher, December 13, 2009 7:57 AM
Is he manic or bi-polar?
I almost lost my family this year due to my obsession for giving away my time and possessions to know God... My life is starting to mend, but I have to watch my obsessive behavior; my wife has endured my mood swings, from manic to more manic, and I had to read your article, skipping over the part about depression, until I saw how open you were about your darkest hours and then I started from the beginning... I am glad that you found someone to share your life with; I hope that you will continue to write. I would like to invite you to come to one of our radio shows at BlogTalkRadio.com/ApprenticeTeacher to talk about your book....Shalom.
(74) Anonymous, September 13, 2009 5:47 PM
Kol Hakovod Shani - many many orthodox people suffer in this way to the point that it breaks marriages because they are not treated correctly! I too - have my own story - and am trying to be out there to help others who can benifit from my experience. Be strong and thanks for the chizuk ! ;)
(73) Stacey, August 31, 2009 6:16 PM
wonderful!
thankyou a million times Shani, for this article. I suffer from severe depression. No one understands unless they have been there. I lost my job, because I was crying at my desk. Before I took anti-depressants (which dont completely alleviate but thank Gd help) I would wake up at 5:00 a.m. with a pit in my stomach, knowing that I have to get through an extremely long day- because the depression slowed time down to one day feeling like 10 days. For someone who has not experienced it, I will give a good analagy. (I have a few children, thank Gd, miracles-due to the medication management, and what could have gone awry) The depression I suffer from while not on meds. is equivelent to giving birth with no epidural-but that physical intense pain in localized in the mind. I hope this will give clarity as well.
(72) rivkie, August 28, 2009 5:17 PM
real !
Thankyou a million times over for having the courage to write such an article, wow. Im blown away. This is definately an illness like any other one and needs to be treated as such. There unfortuately is a tendency to be viewed as perfect, but that does not exist in this world. Isnt this world Olam HATIKKUN??? So why do we have to appear perfect? We precisely are here to fix whatever it is our tikkun demands of us. The author was speaking about the treatement in the psychiatric hospitals. It is bad here, if not terrible, depending on the hospital, however in other countries it is worse. I was watching a program on psychiatric hospitalizations in Bosnia, and what I saw was so horrible I had to turn it off- people chained to beds, etc. THE MESSAGE THAT MENTAL ILLNESS IS LIKE PHYSICAL ILLNESS IS A VITAL MESSAGE THAT MUST BE TAUGHT INTERNATIONALLY. thankyou again and again for this article. You are helping, Shani get this message out there.
(71) Anonymous, August 25, 2009 5:53 PM
Thank you
Some parts of your story were eerily familiar to how I was when I was younger (though I eventually overcame it without intervention, so I suppose it either wasn't true mental illness or must not have been very severe). Thank you for this and may God continue to bless you and your family. :-)
(70) Malka, August 17, 2009 4:33 PM
Courageous
As a social worker in a psychiatric hospital, I see many patients with bipolar disorder. What never ceases to amaze me is the absolute dichotomy between how the disorder is viewed by the secular world as opposed to within the orthodox community. The typical patient enters the psych unit for treatment when beginning to exhibit symptoms. The typical orthodox patient is brought forward by mortified family members after weeks of suffering acute symptoms. Orthodox patients (based on personal experience, not on research) tend to present with severe symptoms and therefore are most difficult to rehabilitate. Shani's article, while a poignant personal story, is also a message to the community at large. Psychiatric illness is real. It won't 'just go away' if we don't seek treatment. By sharing her journey with us, Shani is giving each inidividual and family facing a psych diagnosis hope and kinship- you are not alone. There is treatment. It can get better. Thank you, Shani, for having the courage to uncover what is too often kept behind closed doors. Thank you for showing us with your eloquence and telling us with your story that there can be a future despite psychiatric illness.
(69) Susan, August 11, 2009 9:09 PM
So well expressed.
So well expresed, your words can be a light for others. I especially appreciate your insight to experience yourself as a person rather than the particular category/diagnosis developed by others (and certainly not by any eternal source!)
(68) Anonymous, August 11, 2009 4:18 PM
Schizophrenia
The way you describe your symptoms sounds like schizophrenia, not bipolar. There was a famous movie about a professor who had that and it was similar to your description. I kbow some bipolar people and tehy have very different symptoms. What matters, however, is that you are you, a decent human being, a wife, a mother, and functional. Best always.
(67) Rachel, August 10, 2009 11:45 PM
My bipolar story
Thans Shani for sharing. I am especially happy to read that you are married with children. I am 34, and went bipolar at 25 but thank G-d, affter 2 years of depression followed by mania, and another long depression, I was put on meds that have kept me well since then. Being unmarried, I am not so much of getting married as having kids. The meds I am on and the disease itself require "a quiet life," and I am afraid that having to care for a baby, staying up at night, and other stresses, would trigger something that has been dormant for over 10 years. I have heard that being bipolar is an issue in the shidduch world, which I am not a part of, thankfully, in my case. My fervent wish is that this world understands that depression/bipolr are highly-treatable, and that meds exist to keep people functioning and flourishing, as oposed to theri fate 50 years ago- locked up in a hospital, no chance for a normal life.
(66) Anonymous, August 10, 2009 6:12 AM
Bipolar people are individuals and are not alike
Shani, I admire your openness in telling us about your illness and how BH you were still able to live a fulfilling family life, get married and have a family. However, just as all people with cancer are not alike in their personality, so too, all people with a mental illness are not alike. Some are good people with a disease and some are evil people with a disease. My ex was dignosed with Bipolar when he was 45, after being married over 15 years with him. Prior to that, eight years into the marriage, he was diagnosed with ordinary Depression. I thought it was me not making him happy. I never realized his inability to appreciate things was a symptom of Depression. He ruined my life during a manic episode by impulsively gambling all our life's savings and losing it. He then plunged us into extreme debt as well. Finally, taking the appropriate meds,and out of debt, I sighed with relief, thinking we licked it and had a good life to look forward to. He thought the same. Only he wanted a new younger wife now that he was all Ok. And he served me with a get. He is still causing me pain, unwilling to give required child support, spreading loshon hora about me, using lawyers to deplete me of what little I have. Shani, you were blessed that your illness was diagnosed EARLy and you got professional help all along. Your family did not hide it. as my ex's family did. He has remarried now ( I am too traumatised to do so). Did he mistreat me becuase that is him, not the illness, or was it the illness? Or a little of each. Your family handled it as it should be handled and that has made all the difference. And mazal was there too.
(65) Shani, August 9, 2009 5:37 PM
I, too, have struggled most of my life with mental illness, although not as severe as the author's. I am very familiar with the helpless terror that you're losing your mind. Reading articles like this, I often find myself thinking, there but for the grace of God go I. Will I end up like this? Am I crazy-crazy, or just normal-crazy? About halfway down the article, I got the chills: "Shani, can you check my English composition before I turn it in?" "Shani, could you explain that geometry equation?" "Shani, your grade of 99 percent is the highest in the chemistry class. Congratulations!" My name is Shani, also. And those comments? I've heard them from all my high school friends, too. I would always get the highest grades, know all the material, once got asked to teach the class when the teacher wasn't there- and at the same time, I was prone to breakdowns, panic attacks, and crippling anxiety. (In college, it's mostly the same). I can only thank God that my problems were discovered early in life, before I had a crisis like the other Shani's, and that I've had supportive friends, family, and teachers to help me through the rough times. I am heartened by the fact that the other Shani has managed to have a relatively normal life and family. Maybe I'll be able to manage, too.
(64) Linda M. Cucher, August 9, 2009 10:19 AM
Outstanding!
Every Jewish soul needs to read this excellent piece you have so graciously and beautifully written about your experiences, Shani. Hopefully people will, through your story, become aware, informed and G-d willing, more understanding and compassionate towards the many individuals in their communities who live with this particular challenge of the "human condition". May you continue to heal and be blessed with every blessing, good & sweet.
(63) Jane, August 9, 2009 12:00 AM
You deserve every one of those angels
Shani, Thank you for sharing. I lost a dear friend to her Bi-Polar illness. I personally have suffered deep sorrow from many losses and traumas. And, lyme disease effected me neurologically. I fought hard to hide the symptoms from unsympathetic "friends?" and co-workers. I am left with "only" the sorrow, which I work very hard to overcome. Faith, several good people (my army of angels), my cat, and painting have been my saviors. I see every kind person as an angel. Just a smile can save a day! Much continued happiness and God's Gracious Love to you Shani!!!!!
(62) Anonymous, August 7, 2009 8:00 PM
Dearest Shani, I am in awe. signed, Senior Vaad Member
(61) Devorah, August 7, 2009 11:21 AM
Thank you
Thank you for being open and brave enough to share your inspiring story with us. I am overwhelmed with admiration at your strength and trust in G-d. May you continue to have blessing, peace and Nachas throughout your life.
(60) Esty, August 6, 2009 2:02 PM
Thank you, Shani
I couldn't help myself from feeling your pain as it painfully reminded me of the hell I've been through so similar to yours. I've written diary entries and poems so similar to yours it's scary. I really admire your courage to share yourself with the entire Jewish community-especially the Frum world. I've had a lot of difficulty being accepted by my past teachers, principals, friends, and acquaintances simply from ignorance of understanding Mental Illness. I don't blame them, but I feel that as more and more people come out and share their experiences of Mental Illness, it will, G-d willing be more accepted as it is-an Illness just as painful and real as a physical illness. Thank G-d I'm doing really well now. I've struggled with finding G-d through all this, and have found that I am so much closer to Him now than I think I could have ever been had I not been given this challenge. I too want to share my story and help people who are suffering from Mental Illness. You've helped tremendously in giving me strength and courage to do so. Thanks again, and may Hashem continue to bless you and your family with health and happiness always.
(59) Anonymous, August 6, 2009 11:41 AM
thanks
I'm also a frum Jew who has Bipolar... I can't say I received your level of understanding. My yeshiva wouldn't let me back in -- even thogh I was a star student as well, learning with a chavrusa 3 years my senior. I went "off the derech" , only to return with Hashem's mercy after four years of spiritual scarring. Thank you for publishing this article. I don't know if it will foster better treatment or understanding from the "establishment", but it gives people an idea. And it gives others hope, you have a stable marriage and family, thank God! Yosher Koach for having the courage to share the experience. I don't yet. Maybe after my kids are married, or my grandkids, please God.
(58) Anonymous, August 5, 2009 6:59 PM
excellent
I have suffered with Bi-polar disorder for over twenty years, and of course my behavior was abnormal. I didnt want to admit it for a long time. On e example to help explain this for those who have not had this sickness is the following: Not knowing how to swim, although I did know about holding my breath under water and kicking (thank Gd for that) I jumped off a high platform (above a diving board) in the deep end of the pool. Its a miracle I survived. What I was thinking at the time was that this is exciting. another example of this, is ( I grew up in Long Island, NY) taking a few different LONG train rides to get to the worst neighborhoods in the Bronx, and Manhattan. I went to detox meetings (even though I was never an addict) just to meet people. From there, when the meetings finished, I would go to the individuals houses. Once I was spending time in the south bronx, at one of these peoples houses, and he tried to inject me with a needle heroin or something similar, and I fought back physically, with miraculously the needle being tossed in the air, and me literally running for my life.I assume he wanted to rape or kill me. Him thinking (who is this white girl doing at my house in the south bronx anyway????) The last example I will give to illustrate the seriousness of this disease is: during a hurricane when I was in Florida, I went on the beach and sat on the sand for at least a half hour. There were huge waves and severe winds. Gd helped me for sure survive, and unfortunately I got diagnosed too late- any one of those experiences could have easily been fatal. My parents did not want to admit it- and that delayed the diagnosis a good 10-12 years. I now take mood stabilizers which have side effects- but at least now Im stable. I can not thank Aish and Shani enough for bringing this vital message to the world.
(57) Chaya Weisberg, August 5, 2009 5:41 PM
keep on fulfilling your unique mission
Go-d decides where we will start out and we decide where we will take ourselves with it. What an amazing example of taking the challenge that you were given and choosing to fulfill your uniqueness. Thank you for sharing, it strengthens my understanding that I have to fulfill my mission, with whatever gifts and limitations I was given. May Hashem give you unbounded nachas (jewish pride and joy) from all that you work hard in.
(56) Loretta, August 5, 2009 5:22 PM
Thank You
Thank you for being brave enough and strong enough to share. I,too, have been have been in the dark place and struggle with the demons that wish to haunt me to this day. I applaud Aish for making this article available. It is my hope that those who hurt will take comfort in knowing they are not alone.
(55) Anonymous, August 5, 2009 4:24 PM
The other side
Perhaps it is easier for male spouses to hanle abipolar wife than the other way around. Maybe female sufferers do no put their husbands in the stae of fear that can happen to a wife. I was married for 39 years to a bipolar man. He had had the condition since childhood but since he was in the army when I met him I could't imagine there was anything seriously wrong with him. He was misdiagnosed and often badly treated by the medical authorities and I sufferred terribly as a result. He died last year but I am still haunted by the extreme stressand fear I had and still have.
(54) Linda Trump, August 5, 2009 10:28 AM
Shani is one of many gifted and unique people with bipolar
I run a bipolar support group in Johannesburg and found Shani's story heartbreaking because of the time it took for the people around her to realise that she was ill, and then the horrific treatment she received in the psychiatric institution to which she was admitted. I think AISH readers need to be aware of the fact that many people with bipolar respond well to treatment and remain stable for many years if the condition is diagnosed early and treated effectively. More encouraging is the fact that this condition is shared by many gifted and highly sensitive individuals, of which Shani is a shining example. The names of writers, musicians and artists with bipolar read like a Guiness book of records and inlude Mozart, Beethoven, Vincent van Goch, John Keats, William Blake, Charles Dickens, Winston Churchill, Franklin D Roosevelt, and many, many more. It is high time for mental illness to be destigmatised in the Jewish community. Shokeach to Shani on her courage in reaching out to others and enlightening them in the process.
(53) Anonymous, August 5, 2009 6:23 AM
Aish: Thank you for opening up this subject
Thank you for your honesty and painful story. You did shed so much light about mental illness. Hashem kept watching over you and you never gave up on Hahem. May you only have brachos, mazel , hatzlacha in life. I would like to know, is there anyway to contact you. I know that it would mean a lot to me. If I have to go through Aish,leaving them an email that is fine and it could be forwarded to you. Thank you again.
(52) paula levin, August 4, 2009 5:54 PM
we are more than our brains
what an incredibly written piece and i echo the comments below congratulating Aish for publishing it and creating this comment forum. I suffered post-natal depression nearly four years ago where my mind seemed to shatter with anxiety and depression (loved the image for this story). there is also a stigma around this illness because society defines the self as the brain. guess what - we are so much more than our minds and our thoughts. there is a self far deeper and infinitely valuable and loved by Hashem. to the writer, you are very brave and a very very brilliant writer. please use your gift and may you have only health and simcha going forward. lastly, may you never doubt your connection to Hashem.
(51) Anonymous, August 4, 2009 4:29 PM
A FELLOW BP SOLDIER
very encouraging and comforting, sincere and relative, from a fellow BP SOLDIER, thanks to my husband's steadfast support, and my supportive children (we need more opportunities like this to exchange thoughts, feelings, advice. . . .)
(50) Anonymous, August 4, 2009 7:29 AM
Courage
Dearest Shani; You are an inspiration. Your challenges have made you a more compassionate, humane human being. I have ADHD, and my own "cure", was to embrace my Jewish Heritage, and make it the focal source of personal strength, compassion, and empathy. I am so deeply grateful that my Neshama is Jewish, as is my Spiritual heritage. Mitzvots are not just outwardly directed - being kind to oneself and self-forgiving, are not the exceptions but are some of the starting points of consciousness., empathy towards others, and compassion to all living,sentient beings who are also struggling with all sorts of challenges. I thank you for your honesty, forthrightness, and very balanced conclusions which you have drawn from your own challenges and suffering. Mostly, I deeply am grateful for your willingness to share your tribulations and struggles - perhaps that is the meaning - to remind all of us that from the worst circumstances, and perceived profound humiliations of one's life, arises the very best of which we are capable, but did not realize. Again, many many thanks for your sharing. Avayah todah
(49) Leah Lesserson, August 4, 2009 7:12 AM
Wow, wow.
Wow, Wow. thank you for such beautiful, open and heart-warming article. I am so sorry for your pain that you have experiernced over the years. Thank you for reminding me that life's challenges come in many different forms and that we should have much empathy for people suffering in ways that are more hidden than obvious. What a beneficial article for others to read. People with mental illness, you are ok, you are not alone, you can live a normal life surrounded by patient and accepting family and friends, and you need to feel no embarrassment in 2009. I wish you all to find the right medication, support system and balance that you need to live the most happy life that you are able to within your challenges.
(48) Sarah, August 4, 2009 5:27 AM
A view from the inside
Reading your article has changed the way I will relate with the mentally ill as I prepare to enter the mental health field. I deeply appreciate the opportunity to have an insight into mental illness from the insiders view. Your words are incredibly touching and moving. Thank you!
(47) M. Paz, August 4, 2009 3:49 AM
Thank you
Dear Shani, Thank you so much for your brave words, which I believe bring a light of hope to all those suffering from conditions as harsh as bipolar disorder, and help us all to better understand their experiences. I hope your life continues to be filled with the love and support your "angels" have showered you with you along your path. All the best, M. Paz
(46) Anonymous, August 4, 2009 3:44 AM
wow
Your story touched me very strongly, especially because I have a brother that has a mental illness that is in a lot of ways similar to yours. Like you wrote, doctors may give many names to the illness, and prescribe different medicines, which may and may not - mostly not- help. Davening and being there for my brother is only what I can do. Thank you for sharing.
(45) Anonymous, August 4, 2009 2:59 AM
Thank you for your bravery
Thank you so much for sharing, and thank you to AISH for providing the forum. It's time we start facing the realities of mental illness as a community with honesty, strength and love.
(44) Anonymous, August 4, 2009 1:39 AM
Inspiring & Enlightening
Shani, You have opened the eyes of so many! The inner emotions, pains and struggles of the mentally ill are sealed of from many. We need to care and respect the mentally ill despite their outer behavior. Every person has a Tzelem Elokim. We are all special and treasured by Hakadosh Boruch Hu. Each and every one of us are like his only long awaited son. He loves us more than any love found in this physical world.
(43) Rena, August 4, 2009 12:10 AM
thank you
Thank you for opening my eyes and giving me a glimpse into the lives and minds of people who suffer from mental illnes. You are truly special and I would be honored if you were my friend - you have so much to give. Just as you are fortunate to have a wonderful husband and children in your situation they are just as lucky to have you. Your writing is also beautiful and articulate. May Hashem shower blessing upon blessing on you and your family.
(42) Anonymous, August 3, 2009 10:20 PM
BRAVO!!!!!
As others have suggested, this was truly an amazing artilce and Aish should be comended for bringing this article to this forum. As someone who was involved with someone who had bipolar disorder, I truly wish I had read something like this prior to meeting this person. The article addressed many of the different aspects of mental illness as it may relate to loved ones, who truly want to help, but may not have the knowledge or know how to address and actually "feel" some of the daily occurences that someone with a mental illness may have to bere. But I think the one thing that I have personally learned is by no means should you treat the person with such an illness differently, instead concentrate on makeing that person feel as comfortable as possible and as "normal" as possible. With a little understanding compassion and knowledge of what mental illness is all about, you can make a tremendous difference in that person's life and allow them to achieve their g-d given talents to achieve great things in their life. An absolutely great and very touching article.
(41) Sara Yoheved Rigler, August 3, 2009 9:27 PM
A masterpiece
Rarely have I read such a piece, where the depth of the content was matched by the eloquence of the writing. Whatever work you do, Shani, I suggest that you continue to write. You have tremendous talent. I learned much from your story. Thank you for giving me a window into a world previously unknown to me--and to most of your readers.
(40) esther, August 3, 2009 8:54 PM
thank you so much for sharing your story. your honesty and strength is breath taking. may Hashem give you the continued strength to spread your story, bring awareness and inspire others. hatzlacha in all your endevours
(39) Anonymous, August 3, 2009 7:35 PM
beautiful. what an incredible article, written so clearly. There is nothing more I can say that hasn't been said in previous posts...your story has impacted a tremendous amount of people. You should have continued Siyata Dishmaya in all you do.
(38) Anonymous, August 3, 2009 6:20 PM
A response to all your beautiful touching comments...
Dear Audience, Thank you to each and every one of you who took the time out, not only to read my writing, but also to respond. I have read each and every response and they have all brought me more of the quiet but profound joy and satisfaction that comes to the author who learns he or she has touched someone's life for the better. I am so very glad and grateful that you have been inspired by my story. Whether you responded as a mental health professional, a fellow sufferer of mental illness or an interested reader all your words are welcome. My intention in writing this article was to help lift the stigma that continues to surround the topic of mental illness and hurts all those who suffer and the loved ones who suffer along with them. My intention was also to provide company of sorts to those who suffer today, those who suffered in the past and those who are trying to help loved ones...an effort to provide support and be a friend via the gift the written word can be. My intention was also to expose the complex and often hurtful and abusive approach of so callled mental health care facilites and pschiatric institutions. cont.
(37) Goldie Kleinl, August 3, 2009 4:38 PM
Your story is inspiring, and can give hope to the unfortunate individuals who are in the abyss of mental illness.I admire you greatly...your courage...your inner strength and beauty of character. Hashem rewarded you with a caring husband and beautiful children. May you always have the strength to be a source of encouragement and help to the needy. My admiration for you knows no bounds. Hatzlacha V'Brocha Bechol Maasei Yedeidhem.
(36) Chava F., August 3, 2009 4:09 PM
Beautiful, extraordinary, so well said!
(35) Kathy Capps, August 3, 2009 2:44 PM
What a blessing you are!
Your heart felt article touched by heart. I work both as a therapist and a chaplain. You have the gift to describe the experience of struggling with issue of mental health that is both powerful and healing. I have shared you words with people who are in despair and you have offeted them hope. What a blessing you are! Blessings, Kathy
(34) Anonymous, August 3, 2009 2:38 PM
Other factors in mental illness to consider
I am deeply moved and shaken by Shani's story. I am shocked and horrified by the treatment she received in this institution, and find it hard to believe that this happened in modern times. Toxoplasma can cause schizophrenia. Haldol, I think, was found to kill toxoplasma. I think there is a specific drug for this, too. Fix nutritional excesses and deficiencies. Omega 3 fatty acids fight depression, arthritis, heart disease. Some people are born needing much more B-vitamins than others. When people are under stress, they may need much more vitamin C, too. Hormone balance is important, and can be affected by exposure to toxins, such as heavy metals, mercury, excess copper, lead, cadmium; pollution of our air, water and food, using plastic water bottles that leach harmful foreign estrogens in people's bodies, toxic fumes from synthetic carpets, formaldehyde leaking furniture, growth hormones and antibiotics in meat and dairy products, which cause yeast overgrowth, that can lead to depression and a lowered immune system; pesticide exposure; too much sugar, white flour and white rice deplete our vitamins; too much alcohol; food colorings, additives and preservatives, fake sugars such as nutrasweet are excitotoxins harmful toour brains. The Feingold Diet, which eliminates harmful foods, has helped people with ADD and ADHD. Undiagnosed food allergies affect our minds and bodies. Louise Gittleman wrote about detoxification diets. A good book that shows the link between our food and our moods is "The Way Up From Down", written by a psychiatrist, Priscilla Slagle, M.D. I wish everyone a complete healing in body, mind and spirit.
(33) dON rEAUX, August 3, 2009 1:16 PM
Bipolar disorder for 40 years--a shattered and fractured life
My bipolar disorder had me confronted with police, jail and 3 face to face meetings with the secret service, presidential protection division. Unlike Ms. Silverstein, my wife did not support me and left me to care for my two children and grand daughter. She could not cope with "that mental thing". I am still quite depressed in my late sixties with a teen age son and a daughter who had to grow up to fast. My grand daughter has put a spark back into my life that is slowly growing.My bipolar disorder has a 10 day diabetic coma added to it that brought me to the brink of death twice. My wife supported me then. Why not now?
(32) Gemma, August 3, 2009 12:03 PM
Thank you so much for sharing; it is so important that stories like yours are heard. Your life is an inspiration, showing how HaShem doesn't abandon anybody, even when they fall to the most unimaginable, darkest of places. Thank you so much!
(31) yitzhak attias, August 3, 2009 9:58 AM
eloquently honest
Shani, Thank you for being so eloquently honest. As you can imagine, I have to read many articles - this one left me breathless. I feel it is your kind of 'real'ness that is present in tehillim - raw and totally sincere. "HaShem is close to those who call upon Him, to those who call upon Him in truth". I really felt HaShem in your words. G-D Bless. Yitzhak Attias. aish.com graphic artist
(30) Anonymous, August 3, 2009 8:09 AM
THANK YOU FOR WRITING YOUR STORY THAT WE ALL NEEDED TO HEAR.
I'M STILL WIPING MY TEARS AND CATCHING MY BREATH FROM YOUR ARTICLE , WRITTEN SO ELOQUENTLY, HONESTLY, PAINFULLY, AND WITH TRUE BITOCHON IN HAKODOSH BARUCH HU. THIS IS A TOPIC THAT HAS BEEN PUSHED AWAY FOR THE LONGEST TIME. SO MANY FAMILIES ARE SUFFERING ENOUGH DAILY,WITHOUT INPUT FROM OUTSIDERS. THEY ARE THE ONES THAT ARE SO NARROW MINDED, AND STOP THE PATIENT FROM MOVING FORWARD, IF THEY ARE ABLE TO BE IN THE REAL WORLD. ALL THEY NEED IS A CHANCE TO BE LOVED AND BELIEVE IN THEMSELVES. HAKODOSH BARUCH HU DECIDES BEFORE EACH PERSON IS BORN, WHAT IS DESTINED FOR THAT PERSON. WE HAVE TO ACCEPT IT AND KEEP ON ASKING HASHEM FOR THE RIGHT SHILICHIM TO HELP THEM AND THE FAMILIES. BITOCHON, MUCH CHIZUK, DAVENNG, AND THE RIGHT DRS. ARE INVALUABLE. WE LOVE EVERYONE THAT IS IN OUR FAMILY. HASHEM GIVES EVERY SINGLE FAMILY A NISOYON. MANY TIMES IT INVOLVES THE ENTIRE FAMILY,SUCH AS MENTAL ILLNESS. THERE SHOULD BE GROUPS(WHICH I'M SURE THERE ARE) TO HELP THE FAMILY COPE EASIER WITH THE CHILD THAT HAS ANY KIND OF MENTAL ILLNESS. LET US ALL OPEN OUR HEARTS AND OUR MINDS AND HAVE A KIND WORD WITH BITOCHON AND DAVENING FOR KLAL YISROEL FOR THOSE THAT NEED A YESHUA IN ANY FORM OF REFUAH. YOU ARE A TRUE AISHES CHAYIL. HAKODOSH BARUCH HU GAVE YOU A GIFT AND YOU WERE ABLE TO USE IT DURING YOUR DEVASTATING TIME TO HELP YOURSELF. WHEN I READ THAT YOU MARRIED AND WITH THE HELP OF HASHEM HAD CHILDREN,THE TEARS WERE STREAMING DOWN MY FACE. THROUGH YOUR MANY TIMES OF DARKNESS, HASHEM HAS AND STILL DOES HAVE A MASTER PLAN. WE CAN NEVER FORGET IT. MAY YOU ALWAYS KEEP YOUR BITOCHON, RAISE YOUR CHILDREN WITH MUCH MAZEL, HATZLACHA AND YIDDISH NACHAS. MAY YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND CONTINUE TO BUILD A BAYIS NE'EMAN B'YISROEL UNTIL 120YRS. YOU TRULY OPENED EYES TO MANY PEOPLE. LET SEE IF THEIR VIEW ABOUT THIS WILL CHANGE. WILL THEY WALK THE WALK OR ONLY TALK THE TALK. HATZLACHA RABBA.
(29) Anonymous, August 3, 2009 7:36 AM
Your article touched me profoundly
Thanks for sharing your story. One of courage and braveness. My dear brother passed away, after living a life of love to others and also of causing pain. He died a year ago probably as a consequence of his non diagnosed mental illness. I miss him dearly and wish he had had your courage to keep living. I understand him a little more thanks to your words. Thanks and may you keep being blessed with supportive people around you. Love, Aliza
(28) Ayelet, August 3, 2009 4:27 AM
Thank You
Thank you for sharing your experience with mental illness. You are a wonderfully talented writer and poet and have used your gift to help others even as I'm sure it helped you as well. To my fellow readers, I recommend the book "An Unquiet Mind" by Kay Redfield Jamison, another beautifully written, poignant memoir.
(27) sharon, August 3, 2009 3:32 AM
G-d bless you for this
I am bipolar as well and have found some peace(much) from Hashem. I know who my angels are as well. You are truly a brave and strong woman for sharing so honestly and in public. Hashem bless you.
(26) Malachi, August 3, 2009 2:52 AM
Beatiful Mind
Thank you for sharing your painful journey,it couldn't have been easy, I feel like crying, ..I believe that physical pain can't compare with mental pain..going thru your painful ordeal as you give us iinsight into what it's like to slowly start that spiral of mental torment, not seeing that light at the end of the tunnel, it hurts as I read it, but I want you to know that you sound more sane, normal and stronger mentally and emotionally than most of us supposedly normal people. you are an inspiration, God bless you and your family.
(25) dawn, August 3, 2009 2:01 AM
thank you
thank you for sharing your incredible journey, documented by poetry, of your highs and lows and discoveries over the years. May G-d bless you and your husband and children that you should all be strong and healthy and may you continue to give insight and chizulk to others!
(24) jellyka, August 3, 2009 1:26 AM
Thank you so much..
As I read this article...It spoke of my son..If he could put his thoughts and his feelings about his life on paper it would be as you wrote it...his journey though his mental illness has been a long road..but this I know about him..He loves his family and his Gd..He always says everything good comes from Gd and he always looks for the good..Thank you so much for writing this and opening up the eyes and the hearts of the people who should come across a person who suffers with mental illness...please give love and understanding and please lend a helpful hand and heart..
(23) Beverly, August 2, 2009 9:38 PM
You sound like a really neat person....
thank you for writing your story.
(22) Anonymous, August 2, 2009 9:14 PM
Thank you.
Thank you, author. And thank you, Aish. Thank you for sharing with us this incredibly brave, honest, beautiful, and moving piece of your life. How rare it is to see such honesty about so difficult a topic - in a Jewish forum. I am once again awed by Aish's (and so many of your authors') ability to challenge norms and provide a platform for validation, inspiration, and authentic discussion. Yasher Kochachem.
(21) Anonymous, August 2, 2009 8:28 PM
wow!
What an incredible article! First of all, I commend aish.com for printing this article about mental illness in the Orthodox community. Printing this was a very brave decision and also an excellent one that I am certain will impact many people. Secondly, I commend the author for sharing her experiences. A few weeks ago my next door neighbor,a young mother who is bi-polar, experienced a psychotic episode. Since then I have been struggling to figure out what she must be going through, and i so appreciate this window into her world and the world of the thousands of people suffering from bipolar disorder. May Hashem continue to bless you and your family with bountiful health and happiness!
(20) Isaac, August 2, 2009 7:01 PM
Thank you for sharing such a beautiful story
My heart goes out to you for having the courage to share your story. I am so sorry that there are people who still believe that the only thing you have to do is to pray and have a good attitude in life. Such naive attitudes need to be forgotten because, as your story so well demonstrated, this is not your "I am feeling blue today" kind of depression. In fact, bipolar illness is not your worst type of depression: the type that one seeks medical help for. It is so sad that when we injure our feet or when we have a live problem then our sense of identity is not in question but when our brain is diseased then our own very self is called into question by society. It is time that we realize that we are much more than our brains. Thank you again for sharing your beautiful story.
(19) Asher Fine, August 2, 2009 6:59 PM
The Brain is the one organ that is constantly being assaulted...
A truly captivating story. I remember taking a course in Ciminology at the University of Ottawa in 1986 and one of our professors said, the mind is the single organ in our body that is CONSTANTLY being assaulted. It is the seat of logic, of decision making between good and bad. We live in a world where the brain that holds the mind is exposed to conflict, immorality, love, hope, despair and so on. Each is such a rich experience and all are so different. He went on to say that for those who break an arm, there are doctors who fix it; for those who pull a muscle, there are doctors to treat it. He questioned then, why, when the ONE organ that is constantly being stressed and distressed, is there such a stigma when one seeks the treatment for what ails it? I will never forget his comments.. Life is beautiful, though also stressful and I cannot imagine the load that is placed upon one who suffers from chemical imbalances of the brain...I just hope and pray that God has rachamim and that society finds a way to deal more humanely with such sufferers. God Bless You Sarah Shapiro, especially for your candor in sharing such critial aspects and difficult parts of your life's challenges.
(18) Chana Rochel, August 2, 2009 6:39 PM
Keep going.
Your writing in this article is as beautiful as the thinking is clear. We join you in your thanks to G-d for your husband and children, and daven that your bouts are on the wane, thus allowing you peace. Please keep writing; we so appreciate your expression and admire your talent.
(17) denise, August 2, 2009 6:39 PM
Thank You Sarah
Thank you Sarah for writing this beutiful and honest article. You are fortunate in many ways and God has taken care of you. I meet many people who suffer from Mental illness and are forgotten by family,friends, and Government help. No one cares about them. They simply give them another prescription and turn them out in the street. Family does not want them and neither do society.Proffessional people can not always be trusted, It is all about money. I am glad that you received proper care and have beautiful people who loves you . Although I am not Jewish I always enjoy reading this site, we are all God's children. May God always bless you. denise .
(16) Tzvi, August 2, 2009 6:22 PM
Kol HaKavod to Aish.com
I am blown away by the openness and range of topics your staff is willing to deal with. I am still surprised by the topics and feel I am encouraged to grow in ways I never would have thought of. Special not to your art staff. I was moved by the art work that jolted me and drew me to read the article. The length was also risky compared to what the staff usually posts. Inspired to look at my own attempts to seek couseling in a new way and how I look at others going for therapy and treatment. Thank you.
(15) Anonymous, August 2, 2009 6:09 PM
Not living in isolation
Being a young adult recently diagnosed with Bi-Polar is something I am shamed of. One thing I do to protect myself from that is isolate. It is such a comfort to read a story of someone who I can identify with. As a Jew we often forget that we are not excluded from mental illnes and are not alone. Thank you for your brave stand against this cripling illness (which is just as bad, if not worse as diabetes.)
(14) e. m. lefrak, August 2, 2009 5:54 PM
wow . . .
May HaShem grant you a refuah shelaima b'soch sh'ar cholai Yisroel. Keep going higher, and thank you for sharing. Yasher koach to your husband. I could have cried when I came to the paragraph that tells that you are married. Boruch HaShem. May HaShem grant you and your entire family all the brochos that exist. Yasher koach to all the truly caring people out there ....
(13) Anonymous, August 2, 2009 4:00 PM
"No one can no your pain unless they live in your mind."
I have over the past several years suffered through bouts of depression and know the pain first hand. When other people have had similar episodes with depression their sharing of their experience is invaluable, talk with them and share. I have also found out that the taking responsibility of your life, with the help of G-D is paramount to success. Medicine is not the final anwer, you have the power within to your feeling good again. The answer is over come inertia; exercise daily, eatr good food, read relevant books and articles and going to therapy are omnipotent. The key ingredient is a "positive attitude" and you will have the power to drive the demons out!!
(12) Anonymous, August 2, 2009 3:47 PM
darkness visible
As a therapist who has also experienced, long ago now and far away, the swings or depression, I can say, I no longer experience mood swings that brought me into the terror and depths you describe, namely from ecstasy into darkness. The experience "brought" me somewhere and I can look down the years and wonder at my own story. Because the only "manic" moments I now have are about the beauty of life, another sunset, the laughter of a child, the beauty of of being itself. And yes, for me, there is indubitably a Divine presence. I see it in the words themselves, wonder, ONE der, and that there is a unity to all life that is almost impossible, once you take the journey, to describe. Psychotropic drugs, the antipsychotics, present a barrier for those of us who cross that barrier, into the confusion of that one ness, and the terror of no longer being in control. Benadryl, an over the counter medication is also a quick "antipsychotic" because it does dampen the manic moments. There is, I am saying, a connection between the boundary less state of psychosis, and the immunological action of Benadryl and other such boundary producing medications. There are spiritual answers to mental illness and there is also deep physical answers. I am saying, there are profound metaphoric connects that do run through all of life, and it seems, those somehow most sensitive to life, do suffer, in these ways. But I do see there is always light in darkness. A long time ago I was in what was said to be the darkest place in the world, a cave, in Spain. When the lights were shut off, I was so afraid. And yet, my eyes accommodated quickly to the darkness, the blackness, and I perceived then, that within the darkest of places there is always light. Perhaps that's the biggest and greatest metaphor for us all, in all circumstances of deep angst, terror, and beyond.
(11) BARUCH E KAHANA MD, August 2, 2009 3:35 PM
REQUIRED READING
This excellent article should be required reading for all medical students, all psychiatry residents, in fact, everyone should read this article. Mental illnesses are biological in origin, and we therefore need more research in the neurosciences. My thanks to the author for having had the courage to write this important piece.
(10) Shirley Wolff, August 2, 2009 3:09 PM
Amazing desription of the pain of mental illness!!
How I wish there had been more awareness of mental illness when my mother was diagnosed with schizoprenia and confined in a mental institution since I was an eight year old child!!
(9) Sharon, August 2, 2009 2:49 PM
Hope
Thank you for sharing your story. I have lived with knowing about mental illness since I was very young since I had relatives who have had this very kind of illness. And in the past several years, I have been dealing with severe bouts of depression, ADD, and trying desperatly to avoid getting the dreaded diseases of cancer, diabetes, and heart disease. But the mental illness is more difficult to prevent as you have found. Like you, I have children, thankfully, and hope to heal from some mental and health issues so I can help others who need hope and healing as well. God bless you, and may you have more and more joy through life, with His help and the angels in your life.
(8) , August 2, 2009 2:33 PM
Thank you for that - may you continue to give chizuk to all who suffer in this terrible way!
(7) Anonymous, August 2, 2009 2:25 PM
FEELING YOUR PAIN!!
I too have had similar situaitons in and of doctor's hospitals and one time i was institutionalized. I also have had the "hallucinations" as you call them. The difference between you and me is you were able to put into words what i have always tried to say. Toda for accomplishing what i was not.. Toda for putting into written words the thoughts of my mind. I have since also been surrounded my a loving husband who has brought out the best in me and although it is not a struggle like it used to be. i often sit back and think of the past and wonder how could it have been. To know that i wasnt alone in the world brings me comfort. Surrounded by angels we certainly are... but more importantly... loved by Hashem.. He kept us safe, secure and now confident in who we belong to...HIM and nothing can take that away from us...
(6) Rachel, August 2, 2009 2:09 PM
A Poem for Sarah
Out of the darkness Into the Light My spirit carries me Out of the darkness into the Light my soul forever free May Hashem bless and keep you. Your story brought tears to my eyes and touched my very soul. Your gift of wrting is beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
(5) Anonymous, August 2, 2009 2:00 PM
Destigmatize mental illness
So many frum people are suffering the pain of mental illness afraid to share with family & friends. If the body is sick but the mind is healthy, one can find a way to cope. But when the mind is broken (due to a chemical imbalance) the pain is excruciating & unrelenting. There is so much help available thru new psychotropic drugs to relieve the pain. But frum Jews feel it will be a stigma on us or our families to reveal our pain. And so, many suffer in silence. Time to destigmatize. Mental illness is biological in origin. Left untreated, quality of life & relationships all suffer.
(4) Dr. Harry Merl, August 2, 2009 1:42 PM
Is Psychiatry helpful?
This is a touching description of the development of a mental breakdown, but it also casts a light on the state of Psychiaric institutions in the US:I say this as retired resident Psychiatrist in Austria.The coldness encountered when being hospitalized is painful even when reading about it.
(3) Anonymous, August 2, 2009 1:09 PM
Thank you opening up a place where few people are willing to tred and clarifing areas that are not easy to understand.
(2) Eliav, August 2, 2009 11:29 AM
very powerful
Thank you for writing what must have been a very difficult piece to articulate. Your strength is admirable, and your will to live a healthy life will be the key, with Hashem's help, to you ultimately overcoming your illness to the extent possible and to be the wonderful wife and mother you are capable of being. Thank you for sharing your world with us for it enriches us all. Wishing you great success in all you endeavors.
(1) Anonymous, August 2, 2009 9:16 AM
very moving, touched my heart
I am deeply moved and impressed with the author's ability to articulate and describe the tremendously painful experiences from her life for the benefit of others. Your article gives me strength and convinces me that despite deep personal adversity, one should never despair, even in the midst of despair. There is meaning to the suffering one goes though; at times it permits us to see firsthand G-d's personal care for each and every person. Furthermore, it challenges those around us to react with compassion, empathy, and love. Your achievements are ongoing and remarkable, and they give me the inspiration to reassess what life is all about.