During what seemed like a normal labor with my eighth child, I was hit with an unbearable pain. I’ve had plenty of experience with labor, but this pain was off the charts. One minute I was thinking, “This doesn’t feel right,” and the next minute I saw black, voices became distant and I felt only a sweet nothingness.
The next day I woke up in the ICU to the steady sound of beeping provided by the machines, monitors and IVs attached to me; my hands tied to the bed to prevent me from pulling at the breathing tubes; my feet wrapped in inflatable cushions to prevent bedsores and blood clots. I had no idea what I had just been through.
He told me I had just experienced a miracle.
My husband and sister-in-law were at my bedside. Soon after my parents and extended family were also at my side. As I came out of sedation, my husband explained to me what had happened. He told me I had just experienced a miracle.
It was a doctor’s nightmare; a completely unpredictable condition called Amniotic Fluid Embolism. A.F.E. is a rare obstetric emergency in which amniotic fluid, fetal cells, hair, or other debris enters the bloodstream, causing cardio-respiratory collapse. The doctors, along with almost the entire staff of the maternity ward and specialists, rushed to perform an emergency c-section. They worked frantically for four hours to stop the bleeding, save the baby, and keep me alive.
I was also stricken with Disseminated Intravascular Coagulation (D.I.C.), another condition often caused by A.F.E. D.I.C. causes the body to bleed profusely all over the place. In most cases the ominous nickname for D.I.C. -- Death Is Coming -- is all too true. I lost more than the full amount of my blood and had blood transfusions equaling close to two times my blood volume. Maternal mortality approaches 80 percent with 50 percent not making it past the first hour of the onset of symptoms. Those who do survive generally have permanent neurological impairment.
My husband described to me how he had sat in the birthing room with our new little baby in his arms (which was a miracle in itself) and prayed and prayed. His description of those few hours was that a massive amount of people all over the world stormed the gates of heaven with prayers and tears begging God to spare my life. My mother, who was in Israel at the time, arranged a prayer group at the Western Wall and then took the next flight back. Schools in different cities stopped classes for the children to pray. People went to get blessings from Rabbis on my behalf. Another group of people gathered to pray at my brother’s grave.
As I looked up at him trying to take in his words, I was overcome with emotion. My entire being was trembling as fragments of understanding began to penetrate. The hot tears streamed down my cheeks. My soul made itself heard even as my voice couldn’t utter a sound: “God loves me. God loves me so much!”
I was grateful and incredulous. God, you did this for me? Imperfect me? Self-centered me?
Soon after, my husband left the room to take care of the baby’s needs. I was alone and scared. Yet at the same time, I felt like angels were surrounding me. I felt God’s love in a way I never had before. It was as if a curtain had lifted to reveal a stunning clarity.
Love holds compassionate encouragement, not criticism.
Those days in the hospital brought with them tears, healing and many prayers of gratitude. They also brought to light this profoundly simple truth: God loves us.
Lying in bed, I wondered how I could have missed this until now. Sure, I have always professed to know this to be true, but my inner world didn’t look as if I believed it. I’d start out each day with great intentions, excited to accomplish all that I had planned. Then, instead of simply taking pleasure in my completed tasks, I’d keep on second guessing myself. Somewhere in my mind was a full chronicle of all the things I should have done better. There were lists of kindnesses I didn’t perform, or perform well enough. My judgments of priorities were under constant scrutiny. Subconsciously, I was relating to God as if He was constantly saying, “I expect more from you!”
How could I have missed what was so obvious? Love. Love holds compassionate encouragement, not criticism. Love is constant and unconditional; it has room for mistakes and repairs.
God loves us. He’s the parent who is rooting for his child to succeed. He’s not the parent who says, “You could’ve done better, shame on you!” That’s our own voice. The voice of negativity rooted in the evil inclination. It’s not the voice of Truth.
We all want our kids to be helpful, kind and obedient. Yet our love for them doesn’t diminish when they are out of line. We understand that it’s part of growing up. Truly, if our children were perfect where would the arena for relationship be?
God doesn’t demand perfection, only that we keep on striving.
We’re God’s children and He spends every moment of existence showering us with love. He knows us and understands our struggles. He doesn’t demand perfection, only that we keep on striving. Our efforts to do His will are so precious to Him, even when we fall short.
What does He ask of us? That we love Him back. These are the words we say every day in the first paragraph of the Shema, “And you should love God, Your God, with all your heart, your soul and your might.” These words of the Shema are a personal message to each one of us. “Your God”. I’m here for you, you only have to look My way and feel My love.
Each day that we wake up, that is God saying, “Here’s a present, a day of life. I know you’ll use it well. I trust in you.” Throughout the day, He’s sending wonderful things our way to help us get to where we need to go spiritually and physically. It seems like our challenge may be in receiving God’s love; in relishing its abundance; in loving ourselves as He loves us.
I have so much to learn in this second chapter of my life, but this truth alone has brought me a deep inner peace. I can’t do it all, but I know what I can do. Love God. I work on trying to assess the next correct move and then do it, without getting caught in the trap of self doubt.
There’s so much God wants me to be and there’s so much that the world needs from me, from each of us. I don’t want to waste another bit of energy on negativity. I’d rather tune in to His encouraging voice saying, “I love you, now make it a great day!”
(19) Anonymous, May 23, 2019 10:14 PM
I’m sure I’m missing the point of the article....
I read things like this and I think, rough life. She has a husband a family
A community who doesn’t abandon her because she doesn’t live to their expectations.
But what of those like Me who were cursed by their family throughout childhood because we were “different” , never been married despite asking for someone’s hand, dealing with life threatening diseases in our old ages...who just don’t have the knowledge, strength, to change the paradigm they live with...alone. Begging to feel love from the creator during constant prayer and meditation?
(18) Teresa, May 15, 2015 5:34 PM
finding my family roots
My birth name is mize,my grandfather was Jewish,but I never got to know him because my grandma and grandpa divorced when my father was young,and my father will not speak of him,and my father wants nothing to do with Judaism,but I do and I want to know what tribe I come from and everything about Judaism,so if someone can help me,I would be very grateful.
(17) Penina, May 1, 2014 3:47 AM
RM- you are amazing!
I love Rivka Malka's energy. Just finished listening to her interview on her brother Rabbi Bentzion Klatzko's show on Jroute Radio. I feel so much better about myself! I have this constant voice inside of me, saying that "Hashem thinks I'm ADORABLE!" in that sweet rivka malka voice. Thank you for everything you and your family do for Klal Yisrael. You are a truly amazing person.
(16) Anonymous, February 4, 2013 7:10 AM
This article gave me much needed inspiration at just the right time! Just before the Shma prayer where we state we love G-D, we say the prayer Ahava Raba stating that G-D chose His nation, Israel with love.
(15) Anonymous, August 9, 2011 9:30 PM
aii i can say is thank you, your words gave me chizuk to continue on
(14) Corey Sondrup, March 29, 2011 6:15 PM
Very moving story.
Thank you Riva for sharing your story. I was deeply moved by it.
(13) Anonymous, July 26, 2010 1:02 PM
Hashem Yishmor - What a miracle! How are you today?
When I had cancer I began to pray - not just once a day, but two or three times a day. I don't go to sleep before praying. It is such a wonderful feeling to know that no matter what G-d is by our side. How sad it is when people deny that there is someone who controls the world. How do we explain to non religious Jews about G-d? Some articles about this subject would be very timely.
(12) Leah B, June 11, 2010 5:17 PM
Very inspiring story
this is a truly amazing story, I'm very impressed! I am proud to be her niece!
(11) Andrea Perlman, June 5, 2010 6:47 AM
I believe we may be related
Thank you for reminding me how much G-d loves us and how much I love him. My maiden name was Perkman and I named my youngest daughter Malka in Hebrew -this is very sweet!!
(10) Gila, June 2, 2010 2:37 PM
Thank you Riva Malka. Through recent life events and lessons, I have been sensing deeply the realization like the one you describe. Your article expressed this idea so beautifully and clearly and gave me a lot of strength. I hope you are and your family are doing very well.
(9) rivka malka perrlman, June 1, 2010 3:20 AM
thank you aish
Thank you aish for publishing this article and giving me a chance to crystalize my experience. Even as I read what I wrote I feel the unspoken question. What about those that didn't make it? Having lost a brother years back and seeing others go through tremendous suffering I can honestly say that any response for others would be arrogant. For me though I pray that I not be tested in this, whatever happens, these complex questions can still be answered through the fact of Hashem's love. That people have epiphanies when tragedy strikes is presicely because that's when the curtain of reality is lifted and they can see how the world really runs. Since the days of that miracle I've had hundreds of moments throughout the day, maybe thousandsof relishing Hashem's love for me. everything in my life is better and richer. If only we all knew how precious we are to Hashem. How much pleasure our deeds give him. If only we knew how the heavens are filled with song when we give a kind word or overcome a desire. The flip side of acknowledging Hashem's love is the recognition of how much destructive self critisism we subject ourselves to.We need to take constant notice of our positive attributes and let that bring us closer to Hashem as we see ourselves through His loving eyes. I'm so grateful for this experience and for being given the chance to share it with you. Thank you
(8) Rose, May 31, 2010 10:46 PM
"God Is Awesome"
This story proves How Great Is Our GOD and just how much he love's us all.
(7) Riva, May 31, 2010 5:16 PM
very beautiful. I was very moved. Thank you Rivka Malka!
(6) Folke Holtz, May 31, 2010 11:33 AM
Wonderful article
This articles shows the great love ffrom G-d within Judaism. A love that it is not necessary to seek somehwere else. Miracles happen out from the warmth of Love of G-d. So let´s us praise him every day as it is written in Psalm 150.
(5) Sarah, May 31, 2010 10:01 AM
Thank you!
Thank you for reminding us that G-d loves us (I tried to write ..."reminding me that G-d loves me", but couldn't bring myself to it). I believe G-d wanted you to share your experience with others so as to awaken us to the well-known fact - but not always felt - that He is our Father, and He loves us. Period. Yes, we must strive to do His will. Yes, we must constantly revise our actions and strive to better ourselves. But we must never forget that He believes in us, and in our ability to act according to His will. And we must always remember that He loves usl Thank you again, and may you be privileged to have as many people as possible internalize this concept, this simple and profound truth: G-d loves me! (There, I said it).
(4) ruth, May 31, 2010 9:10 AM
LOVE
When terrible things happen, and we recover from them, we often have an epiphany about life, about the small things that bother us, and then, how insignificant they have all been, because being alive, to being alive, is "the epiphany". Are we all in a one room schoolhouse, and do we all need to be brought to our knees to find this out? Is suffering part of an equation that is the bringing of us forward, and into the light? This is a deep and intense question. Because not everyone makes it. And if this is the purpose, the epiphany, what about them? We can ask these questions and we do, and that too, must bring us to another place. Is there another side? Because if God is love, then what about this? Is it over when it's over? What about the woman who died during such an event? We need to ask questions and we do. Because life is a journey of discovery. And some answers are not evident, but just maybe, if we ask long and hard enough, the answers do come.
(3) , May 31, 2010 3:40 AM
A very uplifting article. We can all be so wrapped up in ourselves and what we are doing or want to do that we forget that G-d will provide everything. Rivka Malka Perlman is on the receiving end of a miracle. We all can be. Even though I have kvetching down to a science, something that I learned recently was to just let go, let G-d, pray for what you need, give praise and recite Shema. Through in some brochas for good measure and reallly mean them because we can all be blessed with the miracles of G-d's love and assistance. Daven and Praise G-d. Miracles do happen even in this 21st century. K
(2) Anonymous, May 30, 2010 7:04 PM
made me think
Before reading this article, I hadn't thought much about Hashem or what he does or what he wants from me. After this article, seeing HE gave us everything and we-I feel- only disapoint him, I decidad to start doing things to make HIM proud... like saying a tehilim a day, number 23.... or just saying "Todah LA EL" when things go well..
(1) D.K.Milgrim-Heath, May 30, 2010 5:07 PM
God Does Answer-Just Give Him a Chance
Answered Prayers At The Wailing Wall By D.K. Milgrim-Heath © 2009-2010 Ever had your prayers said via the Wailing Wall? In Jerusalem it’s so biblically blessed and very tall. People go to it from all over the world to pray- For God to bless them for whatever they need to say. I myself have in the last 40 days I really just that- My experience was extremely powerful so holy as a matter a fact. Things never thinking they happen really did came true- God showed His love me so this can happen even to you! Taking my prayer chances so what could my outcomes be? Our beautiful God in heaven answered those miracles for me! So yes there’s something very blessed about our revered Wall- That has stood for centuries bold and mighty tall.
D.K.Milgrim-Heath, August 19, 2018 9:23 AM
Yes on 7/9/18 I did have a brush with death in car car accident
Yes on 7/9/18 I did have a brush with death in car car accident-when the vehicle I was in (I don't know who hit who) slammed into the side of a moving big van head-on.
I was the passenger sitting next to the driver and I was badly hurt requiring months of physical therapy-I needed 2 MRI's
The airbags never opened and the head-on explosion sounded like a small terrorist attack and I couldn't get out of my side of the car-impact damaged my door-I tried to save an elderly lady that was bleeding profusely in the back in the car behind me.
God save me the strength to do so as my adrenalin set in so strong and I felt no pain but pain set in with time requiring emergency x-rays from my primary doctor the next day.
At first I thought I wasn't hurt-but my main concern was the bleeding elderly lady( having dental surgical background) lots of) blood doesn't affect me.
The ER and police took quite a while to come to the accident scene.
I was happy the frightened elderly lady didn't die bleeding to death, have a stroke or go into shock after the accident also when while I was helping her.
It was difficult to try to keep her from bleeding on me since there were so supplies in the vehicle for first aid emergencies.
We both survived via God's love for us -the 4 of us in the vehicle survived.
I told her and the other passenger in the car God is with us and protected us that we're all still here on earth.
I felt God's Holiest Presence Surrounding me as I went deeply into prayer for His protection after the accident impact.
Yes World-GOD's Active and Alive to all that need his protection and love.