Vadim Botnari, born in Moldova to a Christian Orthodox family, studied economic relations and became a successful hi-tech product manager in Vilnius, Lithuania, specializing in mobile apps. Only one problem: By age 30 he’d been through a cycle of failed romantic relationships. Deep, thoughtful, sincere – and eager to start a family – Vadim began searching for nuggets of wisdom to guide him to the Right One.
Vadim suspected that the answer would have spiritual roots, yet he was disenchanted with his native Christianity. And the practices popular among his friends – yoga, Ayurveda, and other Eastern philosophies – struck him as “vague and abstract that led nowhere. I needed a more practical, concrete approach.”
One evening in front of the computer, Vadim thought: The Jewish people have disproportionate success in many areas of life – science, music, finance, and spirituality. Despite numerous exiles and persecutions, Jews have always managed to not only survive as a nation, but to be a driving force in the world.
Thinking this special nation might have insights into relationships, Vadim googled “the Jewish view of love.” He landed on the Aish.com article, What Is Love? by life coach and dating mentor Gila Manolson. Vadim read:
What is love – real, lasting love? Love is the attachment that results from deeply appreciating another's goodness. The word "goodness" may surprise you. After all, most love stories don't feature a couple enraptured with each other's ethics. ("I'm captivated by your values!" he told her passionately. "And I've never met a man with such morals!" she cooed…)
Nice looks, an engaging personality, intelligence, and talent (all of which count for something) may attract you, but goodness is what moves you to love.
If love comes from appreciating goodness, it needn't just happen – you can make it happen. Love is active. You can create it. Just focus on the good in another person (and everyone has some). If you can do this easily, you'll love easily.
“I thought wow – this makes rational sense!” Vadim tells Aish.com from his home in Vilnius. “Here were clear principles for success: the definition of love as focusing on another’s virtues; that love is not something you fall into, but something you choose to create; and how love grows through giving to one another. This was what I was looking for – concrete insights into daily life issues.”
Vadim dug deeper into Aish.com and landed on Rabbi Noah Weinberg’s classic series, 48 Ways to Wisdom. He was so impressed that he printed out the entire series, booked an Airbnb, and took a one-week vacation to do nothing but study 48 Ways. “I even brought a notebook and did all the exercises that each article suggests,” Vadim says.
The No-Touch Rule
Meanwhile, Vadim contacted Gila Manolson and ordered her book, Head to Heart. (She has since released a version for general audiences, Hands Off!) It was there that he encountered a radical new idea that would change his life forever. Gila writes:
The sexual revolution left the world with a variety of sociological effects… The Jewish approach to dating is in part designed to reduce the likelihood of people investing themselves emotionally in doomed relationships…
One way to avoid getting badly hurt is to not allow yourself to bond with another person before it is safe to do so. Reserving physical closeness for the security of a permanent relationship helps safeguard your happiness – and your future.
Gila goes on to describe “Shomer Negiah,” the Torah concept of no sexual contact prior to marriage, as a way to maintain objectivity and not be distracted by chemistry and hormones. So when Vadim met Monika in February 2019, he decided to give the Torah approach a try.
When Vadim suggested the No-Touch Rule, Monika agreed
A pharmacist by training, Monika was raised in a secular family with no connection to religion. After enduring a succession of unfaithful men, she yearned for a positive, trusting perspective on life and relationships. So when Vadim suggested the No-Touch Rule, Monika agreed.
With this approach, Vadim and Monika spent endless hours talking about goals, values, and family background. Things moved quickly and five months later, Vadim and Monika were married.
Lifelong Search
As Vadim and Monika began building a home together, they sought the key to a solid spiritual foundation.
“Although growing up I had little religion, since my teenage years I would talk to God every night before going to sleep,” Vadim says. He believed in the Trinity and would make a cross after every prayer. Yet as he matured, he soured on his inherited religion. “Christian Orthodoxy prays to various saints and has many religious icons,” he says. “They’d sometimes bring a holy icon from Jerusalem, saying it has miraculous healing powers. Everyone would crowd around it, trying to touch it and kiss it. From the standpoint of monotheism, this disturbed me.”
I was disturbed by the many religious icons, purported to have miraculous healing powers.
Vadim was drawn back through Judaism. In addition to the intellectual wisdom of Torah, the spiritual elements resonated and he decided to pray to the God of the Jews. He maintained a correspondence with Gila Manolson who introduced him to the Seven Noachide Laws, the Torah’s spiritual-ethical system for all humanity, as outlined in “Noachide guidebooks” such as Path of the Righteous Gentile. Vadim made contact with other Noachides in Lithuania, and now studies in a weekly Torah class given online for Noachides by Rabbi Chaim Goldberg.
“I tried several religions, but none provide the pleasure and strong connection with the Almighty as Judaism,” Vadim says. “My life has improved significantly, and I believe that Torah is truth.”
Vadim has visited Israel several times, both as a tourist and on business. (He is a partner in a travel agency that promotes Baltic tourism to Israel.) Last month, he and Monika flew to Israel for the wedding of Gila Manolson’s son.
“It was an incredible trip,” Vadim says. “On Friday night we prayed at the Western Wall, then had an amazing Shabbat meal with the Machlis family. This was our first Shabbat experience in a Jewish home and it was extremely inspiring how they bring people together to show what Judaism is all about.”
Vadim and Monika punctuated their trip with a declaration of commitment to belief in One God, to accept the authority of Torah, and to uphold the Seven Noachide Laws.
“The more I learn Jewish wisdom, it’s always an eye-opener,” Vadim says. “We’re at the beginning of a journey that is profound and exciting.”
(19) Ahava, October 26, 2019 3:57 AM
It’s not about me.
I’m a Noahide and currently watching YouTube videos of Rabbi Manis Friedman. In one of his videos. He mentioned an analogy (at least this is how l interpreted it) like the Jews is marrying G-d and the non-Jews are all invited to celebrate the wedding. Those who are jealous are anti-semites. I was like, that is one of the most mind blowing things I’ve heard on my whole life. Truly humbling. It’s not about me. The Jewish people are chosen for a reason and G-d doesn’t make mistakes for He is infinite. And for that L’Chaim! P.S. I am never against Gentiles who wanted to convert. It’s all about personal journey. And like my Rabbi (Moshe Perets) in Jerusalem told me. There must be a reason I am born gentile and Noahide too.
(18) Rachel, October 25, 2019 1:58 AM
Thank you for sharing this story I enjoyed reading about a non Jewish person and also how in the end he found out there is only one God. I could relate to that part as I have had a similar outcome.
(17) Yak Fatzko, October 24, 2019 12:53 PM
Suggested edit
Inspiring! Suggested edit: "Shmiras negia" instead of "Shomer negia". Thank you.
(16) Anonymous, October 17, 2019 5:45 PM
old royal krown network R c N of wahington (DC) and allentown old lib. virtue independence (Bell, i.e.).
peace,eastern orthodox holocaust survivor, Age One, year(s.)
peace.
(15) Angelika Dumanski, October 17, 2019 3:22 PM
This is truly a wonderful story...love it...Im a Noahide,righteous of the nations...and love Hashem. He is my world, my savior, my King...So good to hear about a relationship that works, and how to get there. by no touch ,ect. Our thinking has to change if one wants to have the right person in thier life. Learning Torah is my goal,,,and keep on learning...shalom..B'H
(14) Sarah, October 17, 2019 2:22 PM
Very touching
Thank you so much for this story. What a wonderful thing it is to be able to inspired people to find their true path!!! This is our Torat EMET! B"H
(13) Shaindy, October 16, 2019 7:04 AM
Why should it be disappointing if a non jew after discovering the beauty of Judaism doesn't convert and "only" keeps the seven Noahide laws? We're supposed to be a light upon the nations and not active (or non active) recruiters. Our actions are supposed to sanctify g-d's name and bring people to behave as g-d wants, not necessarily that they convert. If a non jew keeps the seven Noahide laws he's doing g-d's will and earns his share in the world to come. Isn't it wonderful that there are non Jews like that?
Raymond, October 17, 2019 2:52 AM
I Simply Expected More
Yes, certainly it is wonderful when non-Jews follow the Seven Noachide Laws. And certainly we Jews are not in the converting business. At the same time, though, the story leaves me unsatisfied because I know that following such laws does not represent the pinnacle of spiritual ascendancy. Borrowing an example from baseball, it would be like a batter hitting a successful sacrifice fly rather than hitting a home run.
Marianne Gassert, November 7, 2019 9:21 PM
Shalom! I fully agree with all what you have said in your comment. It's so good to know, that there are people who try to stay on the never ending path to wisdom.
(12) Judy R., October 16, 2019 3:23 AM
about a Non- Jew's search for love is miss
I thought after finding Judaism, instead of being a Noahite, I thought he and his wife would convert to Judaism. Does this happen sometimes, because to me the Noahite Laws are not enough, where is the holidays, the Shabbat, the connection to Hashem. I felt let down with the ending, I would of liked that the couple, would of taken the plunge and convert to Judaism. Maybe other people have different views, it is like the saying ,you go to the mikvah and you don't go in to it. I don't understand only keeping the Noahite Laws only, it seems like something is missing from the puzzle, like the picture is not complete yet. I wonder if other people felt like I did, let down from the ending, like reading a book or short story, and feel there should of been another ending to the story. I am sorry to say, but that is my view. Thanks for letting me write my view.
Raymond, October 17, 2019 3:15 AM
Great Minds Think Alike
Judy R, I agree with you completely. In fact, see the comments I have made in response to the above article. What I have said sounds very much like what you have said. Great minds think alike.
Joshua, October 25, 2019 6:30 PM
their story isn't over yet
they may indeed one day write the ending you'd hoped for (or rather, the beginning of a new story). spirituality is a journey with many way points. they've shared their latest and perhaps it is their ultimate.
(11) dante, October 16, 2019 12:07 AM
Noahide's Path
There is no were to go, no traditions, or customs, no mitzvot, for a noahide...Just online chat groups, and email classes, or conference call classes, which are great! Observe the 7 Noahide Laws... So after awhile, you might end up really on your own, sort of making it up, not really fitting in anyplace... Aish HaTorah is great, Im simulat to the guy jn the article... You can open up email and keep up with the weekly Parsha... Its complicated, enought to navigate this modern world.. A noahide isnt protected by a community of like minded people... Your on your own?
Dvirah, October 16, 2019 6:58 PM
A Place for Noahides
A structured Noahide community is coming into being, so no one need be isolated unless one chooses to be. Noahides can also be looked upon as a modern "Erev Rav" forming part of the Jewish community though not themselves Jews.
Joshua, November 8, 2019 8:48 PM
I hear you
that's such a true observation, and I don't have to imagine it could be lonely. i had the same feeling when i was becoming observant but living in a place hours away from the nearest observant Jewish community. you're very brave, i'm sure your choices have cost you more than just a lack of shared traditions. i'm sure G-d gives you so much more credit than you realize. may H" bless you with a like-minded community that embraces you completely and that you can embrace.
(10) Scott Silburn, October 15, 2019 10:44 AM
Lovely to read
Very inspirational - thank you for sharing. Perhaps I'll have a look at the 48 Ways...! :-)
(9) alfredo polanco, October 14, 2019 1:42 PM
it"s great to appreciate Judaism and its values
I liked this article very much. I'm reading several Jewish authors.
(8) Anonymous, October 13, 2019 8:49 PM
Wow!
A true Bnei Noach! I applaud him for choosing to take on the Sheva Mitzvos B'nei Noach.
(7) Trace, October 13, 2019 8:12 PM
The Year 5750
I became aware that Isreal,the Jewish people have and have always had a covenant relationship with HASHEM through the Abrahamic Covenant separate and apart from all other faiths. . It was 1990 when United Orthodox Synagogue in Houston opened up a class for Noahides . I was told that the year 5750 (1990) was noontime on the 6th day before Shabbat in the millennial week. The custom at that time was to give the gentile servants a half-day off to study the Torah where it applies to the non -Jew. This class at the synagogue in Houston lasted 2-1/2 years . After moving close to San Antonio I thought I had found a group to have fellowship. It turned out to be one of those Messianic 'messes' . Still looking. I just order the books from Jewish sites. My wife is a Christian woman. We have learned to have a warm relationship but my views make her uneasy . I hope to be around when the nations realize that G-d has set Israel apart from the world.
(6) Ally Maybury, October 13, 2019 8:09 PM
Great article inspiring
I enjoyed this article very much. I am a christian and am grafted in to the Jewish roots of my faith. I believe in the one true G-d. I do not bow down to false gods or icons. Not all Christians do. Messiah has come and G-d will remove the scales from the Jewish eyes as it says in Zechariah Chapter 12. Shalom
Raymond, October 13, 2019 11:59 PM
Not Quite
Christians may delude themselves into thinking that they have become part of the Jewish people, but it is just not true. The two religions are simply incompatible. Believing in the One True G-d of the Jews means having no other G-ds, not even the Jew whom Christians falsely claim to have been G-d. The Real Messiah has not come, simply because that same Jew I just referred to, did absolutely nothing that the True Messiah is supposed to do. We Jews see things quite clearly; it is the Christians who have scales over their eyes, as they have no idea what they are talking about.
(5) susan libitzky, October 13, 2019 5:16 PM
inspiring and hopeful
thanksFor bringing it to my attention in your Aishcolumn
(4) Nalinaksha Mutsuddi, October 13, 2019 1:44 PM
Congratulations to Vadim Botnari
Congratulations to Vadim Botnari for finding the truth that The Jewish people have disproportionate success in many areas of life – science, music, finance, and spirituality. Despite numerous exiles and persecutions, Jews have always managed to not only survive as a nation, but to be a driving force in the world.
Long live Judaism
(3) Anonymous, October 13, 2019 9:07 AM
Wonderful
Disenchantment. Disillusionments. And lies . Made me come to you all
(2) dvora waysman, October 13, 2019 7:31 AM
Inspiring story
I have several friends of other denominations (one a Christian; another a Moslem) who also find inspiration in many of the Jewish 'mitzvot'. Jewish wisdom has much to teach the whole world and I found this article very heart-warming.
(1) Raymond, October 13, 2019 1:13 AM
Half the Story
I am disappointed with this story. I had looked forward to the point where he was going to discover that to his utter surprise, he had really been Jewish all along after all. Yes, I know that on websites like this one, that such endings are all too common, but so what? They are the most dramatically satisfying. The above one thus leaves me feeling unsatisfied, as if the story stops in the middle.
Shraga Simmons, October 13, 2019 6:18 AM
story
This story is still in the middle. Who knows where it will end? Patience!
Raymond, October 13, 2019 6:26 AM
My Instinct
Good, so then my instinct was right. It really IS just a half of a story. I look forward to its second half.
Anonymous, October 13, 2019 6:43 AM
Who says?
This story is not a fairy tale or a romantic novel. This is real life. The journey he is on is wonderful and exciting. It might end right here- and why should it not? For a non- Jew, this new-found lifestyles will give him the pleasure and meaning he is seeking.
Not all stories are meant to give you a warm and fuzzy feeling inside. This story is an inspiration- a non-Jew discovering a way to get closer to the real G-d. Instead of being disappointed in his lifestyle, ( which stops shot of your expectation ) be inspired by his growth and take your own giant steps closer to a real and meaningful relationship with Hashem- a journey that should never end. That’s G-d’s expectation of you. Do you measure up?
Raymond, October 13, 2019 12:40 PM
Measuring Up
Do you measure up?
Anonymous, October 16, 2019 3:40 PM
Good Question
A question only G-d can answer. But at the same time, I am never disappointed in the spiritual journey of any human being- Jew or non- Jew. That, too, is only for G-d to judge.
I do my best, and applaud the successes of others, and pray that we all live lives which fulfill our G-d given potential.
Rachel, October 13, 2019 2:13 PM
Maybe this is the end of this part of their story
Why does it bother you that righteous non-Jews have embraced the Noahide laws? Not everyone has to be Jewish, but when Moshiach comes, we will all worship Hashem.
Anonymous, October 13, 2019 5:56 PM
Deeply Spiritual
I never said that I object to a non-Jew following the Seven Noachide Laws. On the contrary, we have every right to expect that of them. However, in this particular story, the man in question seemed to have a much deeper soul than that, a soul not satisfied with those seven basic laws of any civilized society. And exploring Judaism is the deepest, most satisfying spiritual journey of all.
Anonymous, October 16, 2019 5:06 PM
Deeper soul??
Your response implies that to be Jewish means to have a “deeper soul.” I was not born Jewish, but I follow the Noahide commandments and believe in the one true Gd. My husband is Christian and we were married long before I had my spiritual awakening. Because of my marriage, I cannot convert, despite a desire to do so. I do not think my situation means my connection to Gd is less- yes, my path is different and frankly harder without a likeminded community, but my soul is no less deep than yours or any other Jew. I know many Jews by birth who do not follow Torah at all.
Anonymous, October 17, 2019 3:20 AM
Spiritual Potential
We Jews have more spiritual potential than do non-Jews. However, potential is not the same thing as actual. Just because a Jew has more spiritual potential, does not mean that they always succeed in fulfilling that potential. Likewise, just because a non-Jew has less spiritual potential, does not mean that they cannot lead highly spiritual lives. We human beings judge each other by our accomplishments, but G-d looks at our hearts.
Sharon, October 13, 2019 4:15 PM
reply
I was sure he would find out he was Jewish when he did the search. lol!
Raymond, October 13, 2019 5:53 PM
Great Minds Think Alike
Thank you, Sharon. Clearly, great minds think alike. :-)