Absent Fathers

While many men leave or abandon their families it is my experience that the large majority of them are forced out by family law. In divorce or legal separation the father is forcibly placed in a category called "non-custodial parent". That is a euphemism for non-person.

Almost all men's groups are set up to make fatherhood a parenting option for divorced men. Yet nothing has changed in the past forty years.

The pain of losing all the love and energy a father puts into parenting is almost too much to bear, and something most men never want to be exposed to again. So one really needs to hear the fathers' side of the story. You won't find it in the media or entertainment products. They almost unanimously select feminists to author their articles and shows on fatherhood and depict men as infantile or demons. I've never seen a movie or show depicting the feelings of impotence, disrespect and victimization that most fathers encounter in family law proceedings.

Wendy Langer would do well to speak with her father with open ears and an open heart. You might be very surprised at what you find.

...for speaking out for the mens' side of this issue. As you so rightly noted, the feminized, anti-male media & the entertainment world almost never do this.

Wow this was poetry to me. And it leaves me speechless and in Awe that I am not alone in this

This is a real melancholy piece, and reminds me of my life, in a way, except that I was adopted, and State law did NOT allow me to know who my natural parents were.

So, naturally I never knew who I was, never knew the who, what, when, where, or why of things. The pain of not knowing eventually turned into a huge void, and it would take over a half century to finally find out the identities of my natural parents, but not without tremendous effort and great expense.

By the time I found out who they were, they had passed on, but I am grateful that I am in contact with some of my maternal siblings, and a few paternal cousins, and that they are helping me to heal with family photos and stories, and because of that, the huge hole in my chest is starting to scar over, but it may take the rest of my life for it to completely heal.

Like Wendy Langer, I am trying my best to become increasingly observant, and to daven all three services on a daily basis, but Hashem contues to seem so very far away.

And unfortunately, until a majority of Klal Yisrael demands that the Beit HaMiqdash / The Temple be rebuilt, then G-d will continue to HIDE Himself, and we will all continue to suffer as a result (Yeshayahu / Isaiah 45:15).

I, too, have often struggled with the idea of the fatherhood of God when the word "father" carries nothing but negative connotations for me. My father and mother divorced when I was a baby, and he never troubled himself to be part of my life. I could count the number of times I had contact with my father on the fingers of one hand ... and still have enough fingers left over for a rude gesture. Those few times I reached out to him, hoping to forge some type of relationship, I found nothing but disappointment. I had to make all the effort. As hard as I tried, I could not find anything to respect about the man. When he died, all mention of me was left out of the obituary, and he made a point of completely disinheriting me in his will. My only offense was being the child of the woman who had the good sense to send him packing.

Very well written. You are very self aware to have learnt this about yourself. As a future father I would like to impart to my kids as much godliness as I can to give them a picture of what Gd really is. Above all is love. Very impressive article. And true!

I was abandoned by my father, too. Very painful, You have taken lemons and made lemonade! How inspiring to recite Song of Songs for solace and peace of mind. B"H I wish you the best for a bright future!

It's been six years since this writing appeared... and I very much hope that your prayers - if not answered yet - brought you even closer to an answer. I found your writing exquisite and very moving... it brought tears to my eyes, even though I am an old woman and understand the sad predicament of your father's limitations too. I hope you will(did?) find your way to loving relationship. - VL.

Wow! What an incredible amount of inner work you've done to reach the level of relationship you describe, despite not being given the model you so desperately wished for (as we all do). You have great reserves of faith, and you will only grow stronger and happier if you continue the path you have begun. Kol hakavod. Beautifully written too!

Tragic indeed when parents are not willing to undertake the responsibility of nurturing a child. Every child should have parents to stand by them, to give them guidance and strength. I KNOW you will find your beshert in the near future and I am sure you will raise your children in a home filled with LOVE and security and companionship. Tracht gut vet zein gut- positive thinking, and an approach of hopefulness in the future will lead to a great life. There is a lesson here for ALL PARENTS. We can physically be with our family yet still be removed, uninvolved. Parents must remeber to build and maintain and nourish the relationship on a day to day basis. Try this experiment- Tape your conversations with your children on just an ordinary day. You might be shocked to discover that most of the involvement with your children consists of COMMANDS- fibish your homework, brush your teeth, go take a bath, eat your dinner, answer the door/phone etc. We must have REAL conversations with all family members. Remember to be PRESENT, not just a figurehead. Important lesson for us all. Thank you for reopening our eyes. GOOD LUCK.

Now that you are an adult, perhaps you should begin to look at your father's side of the story. Perhaps he had or has psychological problems that resulted from the way he was brought up. Perhaps he and your mother were a poorly suited match. Perhaps he is gay, and shouldn't have been married in the first place. or maybe he is just a poor excuse for a dad. Perhaps his inattention to you was Gd's way of using nature to fashion the miracle that brought your soul back to faith. In any case, blaming others for one's problems is rarely beneficial, even when they are to blame.

I read a story about an orphan who felt abandoned, but was comforted every time he recited psalm 27: when my father and mother abandon me,Hashem will gather me up. (Metsudah Tehillim translation)

I lost my father due to a extremely bad accident. It left me confounded not knowing which way to trun. My life was one big mess. But when I realized G-d was my Father, I started coming up out of my 49th parallel. So the roll of Father that G-d has is an important part of my life. I very much enjoyed this article. Thank You!

It saddens me to read the negative comments about who we identify G_D with. I can identify with the author's strength in relationship with the Father. My life has been full of trials and disappointments, I've felt betrayed and forgotten by the Lord but it doesn't mean he was guilty of doing either. He has always worked things out for good in my life when I decide to rest in Him and try to live in His instruction. My lack of understanding only reflects my weakness in contrast with His strength. I pray the bitter nay-sayers will decide to seek G_D for who He says He is in the scriptures and they will find new meaning in their lives.

Do you believe in God, or in some cosmic "father figure"? This is an example of the danger of anthrpomorphisms and why the Rambam spent much of his life battling against the understandings of God which borrowed too much from human expressions.

LOL! I had a semi-absent father, and I am still surprised when a stranger shows kindness to me, as if I temporarily forget that Hashem is the ultimate stranger who shows me the ultimate kindness.

It is also hard to relate to G_d as Father when you've had a really good human father---one who never failed you when you needed him, never left you alone, always understood what you were saying even if you didn't say it well, always took as much time as you needed him to take, never had to share his love with other siblings because you were the only child, loved to play with you, read with you, dance with you, teach you cool stuff, just spend quiet time with you, never hurt you, never hit you, never let you get away with anything bad but corrected you in a way that showed he believed in your ability to change and your own good intentions and desire to be the best you could be. It is hard not to prefer such a nice human father to the Father we sometimes experience--or fail to experience--when we are dealing with G_D, who can be very silent, remote, cold, and unresponsive no matter how hard we beg, how loud we scream, how scared we are, or how alone we feel. It is tempting to make up a G_D who is an "imaginary friend" who will always listen and understand and be on our side and defend us, but when something happens in real life and a child dies or a spouse gets cancer or your country gets attacked, and despite all your prayers for protection, the worst happens, it is hard not to think that your own real father wouldn't have let it happen if he had had the power that G_D has. So you still have to deal with resentment and bitterness either way. I think the whole Father image has drawbacks, just as any of the Biblical images do. We all know about kings, what tyrants and nuisances they can be. And shepherds--what do they want the sheep for, except to fleece them and then eat them. The lover in the Song of Songs tried to break into the girl's room at night and then slunk away and disappeared just when she was about to let him in and made her go looking for him all through the city where she was exposed to danger. No, we can only take images so far, and then like all images we have to let them go when they no longer serve us. G_D is beyond all images, not just the forbidden graven ones but even the ones He Himself has given us in the scriptures. We can't think about Him without some kind of image, but we have to realize they all fall short, all are defective, all fail to capture the ineffable mystery and marvel of Who G_D is. If one image doesn't work for you because of your own personal history, choose another and milk it for whatever you can get out of it, until it too runs short. There are so many, many names for G_D and each conceals treasures of imagery--all are inadequate, but all are suggestive. That is the best we can hope for.

Your articulation of His trait of yearning for his children is gorgeous!

My father and mother split up when I was five, and she died when I was nine and he was not to be found...I thought at the time that even g-d forgot about me...Many childhood families later, I have a loving husband and feel very secure. (Unfortunately, my daughter from a previous relationship had an absent father as well, and I think it hrt her as much. He is trying to make up now that she is 21, but it occurs to me the hurt is still there.)

My father was present during my childhood many years ago and I remember only negative, hurtful times. But he was a fool and in need of mental care. As is said, there is no fool like an old fool.

I can relate with Wendy's experience. Not having a father at a very young age and growing up without him was not a good experience. However, I never doubted G-d's love for me. In fact, He has shown His love endlessly. I may not be able to understand why some fathers abandon or hurt their children but I know that our Almighty G-d never stop loving His children and would always be there for them. Thank you Wendy for sharing your story and may Hashem bless you.

My father was abusive and so was my first husband. When I would daven to our Heavenly Father I would feel a sense of disconnectedness. My experience of a father was nearly all negative. I could not understand what a father could or should be. I am still trying to come to terms with this concept having seen my sons- in- laws and my new husband who are loving and caring fathers. It does get better, day by day

I'm afraid it's even worse. Much worse.

Wendy Langer's article saddens me....as I'm sure anyone reading it...It's written in apparent honesty through its raw description of a child's yearning to understand her father's absence. It's written with an adult's perspective of a spiritual connection with g-d. I am gripped, however, with the untold story of a father whose child may have been ripped away by an imposed court process and angered parents. Would that WEndy have reached out to her father? Perhaps showing him g-d's way to put his own pain and disillusionment? I don't mean to project, but in my work with parents and children of divorce, it remains easy to point blame. It is not easy to look into the hearts of all the family members. Would that Wendy can might bring more peace to her, to her father. Mark Roseman, Editor Contemporary Family.org

This is such a beautiful article. Thank you for sharing from your heart. I wish you so much success on your journey - may you always feel God''s loving hand guiding you!

My father, may he be well, died forty years ago when my mother informed me that he was "sick," a helpless drug addict trapped by the tranquilizers he was supposed to prescribe for his patients. So for me, it is easier to conjure up the vengeful God at the Red Sea than the loving God of the Song of Songs. I finally succeeded in "creating" a loving God, but He seems a weakling, like a father who could not stop taking drugs. Good luck, Wendy Langer.

Amazing, you could be resentful and bitter, rather you turned to Scripture and are drawn out of self pity and into a loving relationship. Powerful.

Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece. It gave me strength and encouragement. May you continue to grow close with Hashem and have much blessing in your life.

What a wonderful article. Growing up I never had a father image.The men that came in and out of my life growing up were horrible. So when I started to wonder about Gd,it was terrible. Then I saw him in his word and I feel in love. Sometimes, Gd has the worst P.R. we humans.

Oh, this is SO True! My husband is emotionally very distant from his children. So it comes as no surprise that half became non-religious. At least this gioves me hope that there is a way back.

For those of us who also had an "elusive father", thank you so much for this thought provoking and heart rending essay. I am now reading Shir HaSharim and will do so for the next 40 days to find that re-connect and rebuild that love relationship with G-d.

It seems like all journeys, it starts with a few steps forward and a few back. Like a small child, we have to keep trying until we get it right. Is anything worth having if we don't work for it? The trick is to learn from our mistakes and find new ones so that we are always growing. I have found the book, Garden of Emuna, very comforting as I deal with my own struggles. Good luck and may you find what you are looking for and a few pleasant surprises along the way.

You are undoubtedly a very loving person and my question is who did you learn it from,your mother perhaps?

Hi, That's a very powerful piece - and unfortunately very true. I wish I could say that I've come to the same conclusion... but I haven't. I am still in the beginning stages... Desperately trying to fathom what our relationship with G-d is all about (as my biological father isn't a positive example). While most people find comfort in reciting the words, "Hashem's love to us is like that of a father's love to his son." - for me that's a killer. So here I am left with the questions and doubts, and hoping to somehow, somewhere find the answers - before it's too late. Thanks you for expressing these feelings so adequately.

I grew up with a similar experience, of an absentee father, and eventually learned the gift this person had at a young age, of less expectations and less pain. I have had a different relationship with God, but this article was amazing to see others with similar experience to mine. New to the orthodox community, I sometimes feel very out of place with this story behind me. Thank you for expressing your experiences.

Thank you so much for this beautiful article. I think that many people, due to problematic or failed relationships with people in their lives, be it a parent, partner, friend or colleague, misperceive G-d's role in our lives, be it as a punishing father, a rejecting partner or parent, or a dishonest unreliable superior who is out to get us. How can we bridge the gap between disappointment in human relationships to closeness with heavenly ones? Don't we need to heal that gap in order to establish healthy and committed human relationships? How can we clear the blocks (caused by human failures) and open ourselves up to that everlasting deep connection with G-d (allow for G-d's perfection to envelope us) to trust and commit to deep everlasting healthy and safe relationships with the (present and future) people in our lives? Be"H Rebetzin Tziporah Heller will address this topic for women in NYC on January 20. E-mail spzesq@gmail.com for information or to share your comments. I would love for the author to be involved as well.

. I know where you are coming from.May Hashem bless you with the fulfillment of your wishes LeTova

so many days in a row could almost constitute a mantra-type of situation, as are the daily prayers in Judaism...and other faiths. I use Modah Ani L'Fanecha Ruach Chai V'Kayom as one of my daily meditations, along with others. This is the closest I have ever felt to God for any length of time, closer than using a TM mantra that I could not discuss with others and I did not know what it meant, closer than when practicing Christianity.

Such beautiful writing and a beautiful theme. I hope you always find Him near.

What a beautiful piece! I am amazed at the soulful caring that the author has for her deeper self and her realtionship with Hashem. I experienced abuse by both my mom and dad and neglect as well. It takes so much longer to develope a relationship with Hashem when ones parents are either abusive, out of the picture or their in a scattered inconsistent way. I pray for you and your mom to have shalom and shidduchim that kead to marriage if that is current situation.

This is a wonderful article. I will begin reading the Song of Songs today!

This is an incredible piece of writing. Wendy,you touch an emotional part of our souls. Please,let us share more of your special talent. Give us more!!

My own father never left us, but we were so frightened of him that we often wished he would. G_d was to be feared, I could never accept the loving father concept, only anger and punishment. How wonderful to know that someone actually had the same feelings! I will begin reading The Song Of Songs today.

I have often wondered whether people who didn't have positive father figures could ever truly have a close relationship with G-d. You've answered: If you work on it. And, indeed, do any of us get anything truly worth having without working on it?

amazing essay - amazing relationship building w/ G-d. Thank you for this beautiful piece.

very powerful, spiritual article. May you continue to gather strength and grow. Thank you.