I didn’t believe the line in the home pregnancy test last week, but then again I never really believed I was pregnant last year, even when I saw my baby’s heartbeat on an ultrasound. Ten weeks later when another ultrasound showed that same heart utterly still, I remember thinking, It was too good to be true.
My baby -- the little miracle, the unexpected wonder making me throw up and sleep constantly only a few weeks into a brand-new marriage -- was gone.
It’s more than a year later and now, the doctors say, there’s another child inside me. Another baby, smaller than the head of a pin and already I love it more than I can imagine.
And I am completely and utterly terrified.
That first time around, I remember blithely skipping over the chapters on miscarriage (or the more tactful “pregnancy loss”) in the books I was reading -- that wasn’t going to happen to me. I was a gestating a miracle; I was flying beyond high.
Only months before, I’d written a piece about struggling through unwanted singlehood as Rosh Hashana dawned. I asked Aish.com readers to pray for me and by Yom Kippur, I’d met the man I would marry. A few months later, on the afternoon of my wedding, I poured out my gratitude and gladness in another article -- because I truly believed that the prayers of readers had helped me and others.
Read Related Article: Season of Isolation
Read Related Artilce: Season of Gratitude
I felt catapulted into the next stage of my life, amazed and overwhelmed at how, in the blink of an eye, my salvation had come and my life had been utterly transformed.
My husband was everything I had ever dreamt of -- more loving, upright, adoring and accomplished than I had ever imagined. And he even came with a few things I’d wanted: kids, who live with us.
I wanted step-kids, in part because I got married at 'A Certain Age' when the biological clock is ticking more loudly than ever but moving far slower. Having step-kids would ensure that I had someone to give my love to, even if they weren’t my own. And, ever-practical-me concluded, if I was able to have a kid or two, I wanted to be able to give them brothers and sisters.
I figured we’d wait a while and then go to whatever clinics we needed and jump through whatever hoops we’d have to. So I was rather surprised when my new doctor explained that the exhaustion I couldn’t shake from the flu that I’d caught a week after the wedding was, in fact, a baby.
I was almost embarrassed by the Divine abundance. My husband, my step-kids… and now this. So fast! And now I was sleeping through half of it.
Our First Loss
At six weeks, the doctor was concerned by something and sent us for a hospital ultra-sound. That’s when we saw the heartbeat, assuring us that everything was okay. Plus, my symptoms were getting worse: Alongside the constant exhaustion, I needed energy to run to the bathroom to throw up. I found it oddly comforting and my mother-in-law was delighted since everyone knows that that sort of sickness is a good sign.
I had trust in God. But then there was that tiny heart, not moving.
I kept thinking, God is with us. I was filled with faith. So I wasn’t worried at all when, after a check-up, the doctor sent us to the hospital again. With my worsening symptoms (“You’re throwing up? Great!”), she wasn’t worried either -- she just figured her office’s ultrasound machine wasn’t working well. We drove the half hour to the hospital, chatting happily. I even turned to my husband and said, “You’re not worried, right? We both know God is in charge. He’s taking care of everything…” I had trust in God.
But then there was that tiny heart, not moving. God was in charge, and this was the decision He made.
I was married not even four months and already we lost a child. The next year was a blur: I had complications following the miscarriage that took nearly six months to resolve. My hormones went crazy, I gained weight, I had to have surgery to correct something that had gone wrong during the pregnancy. It took nearly a year until my body felt familiar to me. We were ready to try again.
After a few months of nothing, my doctor sent us to a fertility clinic. At my age, she explained, you can’t waste time. I sat in the waiting room the first time, surrounded by grim-faced women past A Certain Age -- none of us wanted to be there, of course -- thinking that this is just stupid. God decides who lives and who dies, and who gets to give life and who won’t. Not some doctor.
There was nothing wrong, the doctor told me. “We really don’t know why some people get pregnant and others don’t,” she explained.
I knew that already. I’m a rational person, but I also believe devoutly that God runs the world. So many times I’d cried and screamed at Him, Why did you get me pregnant only for me to lose the baby? Were you toying with me?
At least I knew that I could get pregnant.
But I knew -- the insane complications notwithstanding -- that it was a blessing. At least I knew that I could get pregnant. I know of too many women who try for years and years, treatment after treatment. It was a small comfort, but a comfort nonetheless. Something, ultimately, to be grateful for.
When I said that to a woman in my new community, who had been married five years and didn’t yet have children, she swallowed and looked down. “I am so glad you know that,” she said quietly. “I wasn’t going to point it out, but it’s so true.”
When I lost my baby, I was reassured by friend after friend who’d lost pregnancies – most early, but some at five, even six months. They all went on to have babies. It seemed like I had more friends who’d lost at least one pregnancy than ones who had never. Everyone assured me that I’d be pregnant again soon…
And now, more than a year later and a few cycles of hormones, it seems I am.
Round Two: Pregnant with Fear
And I am suffused with fear. I had bitachon, complete reliance on the Divine the last time around. I didn’t worry, I didn’t fret. I was just overwhelmed with gratitude. When the doctor back then said not to worry, I didn’t. I just felt the great blessing growing inside of me.
And yet that baby is gone. I needed to know if he had a soul (probably), I needed theological explanations for what happened (the best is that the soul was so pure and holy that its heart needed only to beat a few times in this world to accomplish a lifetime’s mission), I needed to understand why God put me through that (and, in truth, sometimes I have a glimmer of understanding as to why – but just a glimmer. That’s the way it works in this world.).
I felt somewhat betrayed, because I had been confident of one thing: That the same God who brought my husband and me together through what seemed like insurmountable odds would be with us in everything we did and in every struggle we had. He was, but not the way I wanted.
And now I'm carrying a baby inside me that is only a few weeks old. I don’t want to tell anyone. Something so joyous is covered over in fear. I want to want this baby, but I am so afraid of losing it. Please, I beg God, this year don’t let my heart break.
Today, the doctor’s office called with some test results – we’re watching to make sure that this is a “good” pregnancy. She was perfectly happy with them but based on the medical degree I’ve earned by reading everything on the web, they could have been better. And my mood plummeted.
This is not what genuine trust in God looks like. So I prayed. I started crying and telling God how much I want this baby and how I am doing the best I can and please please please, I’ll be sick, I’ll have this side effect or that, I’ll control myself even when the raging hormones turn me into a stranger, I’ll go to work when I am in pain and exhausted, I’ll do anything, I know this is all up to You anyway, so just please please please… After a few minutes of this, I asked for inner peace while I am going through this… And suddenly I stopped crying and felt calm.
I know that God is in charge, and I know I am not the only woman going through this.
Two years ago, I wrote about a pain I knew thousands of people shared and I asked you to pray for me and for everyone else. Today, I know I am on to the next step, and again I ask you to pray for me, for my family, and, this time, for my baby. I really want to meet him.
Four Months Later…
I wrote this piece, but didn’t submit it. I guess I was embarrassed; it seemed too personal, too close, too painful.
And then a month later, this baby’s heart stopped too. Even though I wasn’t as shocked as the first time (the nausea and fatigue that had been plaguing and delighting me for months had slipped away the week before), I was still bereft, lost in a sea of grief and disappointment.
A few days after the d&c, a friend told me “the most amazing thing:” The same day that I’d lost the baby, another friend of hers had been dismayed to find out that she was six months pregnant.
Um, yeah. Amazing irony.
But it gets better. Her friend, Jen, not only had her hands full with a house of pre-teens and teens, but she had been trying to end a horrible marriage, and -- to top off the pleasantries on her plate -- was undergoing cancer treatment.
Even though Jen had been in and out of doctors’ offices constantly during the entire six months of her pregnancy, neither she nor the doctors noticed anything -- probably because any nausea, weight gain, fatigue, or other symptoms were mistaken as simple side-effects of the radiation and chemo treatments she’d been undergoing.
“It’s just so incredible,” my friend enthused, “Here, you’re healthy and doing everything you can, your whole family wants this so badly… and the baby dies. And Jen doesn’t know if she’ll be around for her kids’ high school graduations… and now she has to deal with becoming a single mom to a probably sick baby on top of everything else.”
As tears welled, I told my well-intentioned friend that while I imagine I would appreciate the irony at some point, I was not yet there. I believe she got the point and dropped the subject.
For several weeks, I descended further into sadness and anger, resenting my body, resenting God, being horrible to my husband -- able to accept comfort only from my sweet step-son, who told me that he understood why the baby died -- because he hadn’t been praying for the right thing. He’d been praying, he told me, for me to get pregnant, and now he realizes he should have been praying for a healthy baby as well.
I assured him that that’s not how it works, and that he’s not responsible at all, that God collected each and every word of his prayers, and knows exactly what he meant. After all, I explained, God is the One -- the only One -- Who can control whether a baby emerges into the world.
A few months went by, and, thank God, my malaise lifted and Jen -- my friend’s friend -- gave birth to a healthy, thriving, happy, little baby boy.
Only God decides who conceives and who doesn’t, and which babies come into the world and which don’t.
Anticipating that my happiness for Jen might be mixed with sadness for my loss and my continued lack, my friend was more sensitive when she told me. I felt only happiness for her.
In fact, that baby’s birth crystallized for me what I’d told my step-son: God, and only God, decides who conceives and who doesn’t, and which babies come into the world, and which don’t.
A week or two before, we’d gotten back the results of genetic testing on my tiny baby. She was a girl, and she didn’t have enough chromosomes. She never could have survived. Even though everything in this world was lined up “right” for her, she was never going to be in it.
And Jen's baby boy? Conceived while his mother was on birth control that she continued taking until two thirds of the way through pregnancy, exposed in-utero to chemotherapy, radiation, and a mess of who knows what other medicines cancer patients take, his conception was unwanted and he grew in the womb of a woman under enormous pressure of every kind, who was scared for her own future, and terrified for that of her children
He had everything lined up against him, but he was born healthy and is a fat, happy, thriving baby. He is nothing short of a miracle
But aren’t all children? Children are born not merely because of a chance happening of biology, not because of medical technology, not even because of their parents’ fervent wishes, hopes, and prayers. Ultimately, all these things help, but there is only one thing that brings a child into the world: God’s Will.
We can -- and must -- do our work in this world (whether praying, taking vitamins, or subjecting your body to all manner of procedures and hormones), but ultimately the outcome is not under our control. It is up to the Almighty.
And I find that enormously comforting. Just as He sent me loving friends and community to ease my pain when I waited so long to find my husband, just as He sent me a man who exceeded every dream I could have had and made that long wait worth it, just as He has continually taken care of me in every way and sent me guides along my way, He will take care of me now.
And just as He miraculously brought Jen’s son into the world, against every possible scientific odd, He will expand our family and transform me into a joyful mother of children.
Frieidl Liba bas Chava would appreciate your prayers, for her and for other members of klal yisrael who need to get married or have children.
(56) Anonymous, May 2, 2012 9:36 PM
I share your pain
A healthy baby is a far greater miracle than any other. After many losses, we learn to appreciate true miracles. The pain always remains, but gets more bearable with support. Without much support this time around I find it difficult to pick myself up and praise G-d nevertheless. Although my brain tells me I am wrong in pushing myself down, I hope deep down for some miracle to pick me up one way or another. Or maybe wake up to find out it was only a nightmare. Thanks for sharing your story. It helps me to voice mine and this makes the load lighter, instead of bearing it all inside with no one to share. May all the longing woman be blessed like the woman of egypt that had six at one time easy!
Anonymous, June 17, 2013 9:00 PM
Be blessed, "Anonymous" - may the Lord G'D help you - and may you as well perceive His company/understanding - you are n-o-t alone ;-): Shalom.
(55) suri, April 4, 2011 3:12 AM
its a hard one
i have been there 8 times in a row - yep its tiring but it has made me a better person cuz i am always searching for gd everywhere i go - i need him to get over the pain which at times is unbearable. but with him somehow i go on and i am a happy person.
Anonymous, May 3, 2012 10:18 PM
Please share your strength with me. I used to be like that but this time around I feel worn out. How can I contact you for support?
(54) Jenny, March 17, 2010 1:33 AM
I understand how you feel
I understand how you feel because in january of this year I lost a baby too. I was almost 4 month pregnant and between week 12 and 15 the baby's heart beat stopped. The genetic test came back and the baby was a girl had Turner Syndrome ( missing an X cromosom). Thank G.d we have two wonderful and healthy boys. Nevertheless it is very painful. I will pray to Hashem that you may conceive a healthy baby and let me know hen this happens. May Hashem bless us with beautiful and healthy babies.
(53) Anonymous, March 15, 2010 1:54 AM
Thank you so much!
I love this article because it does not present before us some perfect ending, someone who has already gotten what they wanted, when there are in fact those of us who have not yet had our prayers answered, and others of us whose lives have passed by and we will never have children (or never marry, or whatever it is.) This is so comforting and strengthening to me to read these things from people who are still in the midst of praying and hoping and working on understanding and accepting Hashem's plan for their life, while having to know that their hearts' desires may never be filled.
(52) Anonymous, March 15, 2010 1:27 AM
Guard your tongue
I know someone who runs a "Guard Your Tongue" group for childless couples, and she has told us that a few couples have already have had children. If you supply me w/ your husband's name and his mother's name, I'll pass along the names. The person running this asked us if anyone has any names to submit. I give Aish permission for you to contact me directly.
(51) Anonymous, March 14, 2010 7:36 PM
I pray that you will be blessed with children
Your story, though painful, is inspiring to anyone who has experienced infertility or pregnancy loss. I will pray that you and your family will be blessed with healthy children.
(50) Ennjaygee, March 14, 2010 6:45 AM
Making us sensitive towards others
It took 17 years before an egg finally fertilized and became viable in my body. The roller-coaster emotions of expectation and hope against devastating disappointment and loss became a significant part of my husband's and my life and, like yourself, I wanted to know: why? I am grateful for those years. Everything then and all the subsequent challenges that Hashem has given us are a gift. You learn to be very grateful for what you do have (in your case, a loving husband and a family of step-children to hone in on your parenting skills. My goodness, that's gold dust); the ability to empathise with anyone else going through tza'ar and learning how best to help them (as opposed to saying cliched phrases); helping you actualize your tikkun (if everything went so smoothly in this world, would we be able to achieve our purpose here?); connecting to the Almghty in a very palpable way. Friedl Liba bas Chava, Hashem will give you exactly what you need at the right time and we will daven for it. B'sha'a Tova.
(49) Anonymous, March 14, 2010 12:55 AM
Thank You for Your Words
Your experience gave me tremendous inspiration after having a miscarriage just days before reading this. Your words mean so much to me and i can't thank you enough for that.
(48) Avigail, March 12, 2010 9:17 PM
May Hashem give you stregnth
Thank you for sharing your story. I too went through a miscarriage and then fertlity problems. I understand the excruciating pain that you feel. May Hashem give you stregnth, and a healthy baby, very soon.
(47) Anonymous, March 12, 2010 9:07 PM
Trust
The trust and faith in God is amazing. Keep trusting in Hashem-you inspire others.
(46) Dvorah, March 12, 2010 6:31 PM
familiar story to mine!
May Hashem fulfil for you and your husband to be an Ima and Aba. We too went through the same story and reliving this through your story brought tears to my eyes...Yes, Hashem is in charge and it would have been difficult to bring a child into the world with health problems. I believe, with Hashem's help, if you really want to be an Ima, Hashem will help you find a way. We adopted a set of siblings who are healthy, beautiful, smart and are really embracing their Judaism. We couldn't love these kids any more whether they are from our own gene pool or someone elses. Once you hold a child in your arms, they are yours. Hashem has a special plan for you. We will keep praying for you! I know what awesome parents you and your husband will be when you are blessed with children! Wishing you strength, courage and may your goals be fulfilled! Dvorah
(45) Anonymous, March 12, 2010 5:44 PM
Dor Yeshorim
Hashem makes all the decisions. Rabbi Josef Ekstein and his wife lost 4 children to Tay Sachs by 4 years old, r"l, and another child from a sudden illness when she was older. They took their anguish and started Dor Yeshorim - the only program that has ever eliminated the instances of recessive genetic diseases in community. They operate worldwide, screen tens of thousands a year, take over 90,000 calls on questions of compatibility, and have stopped thousands of tragedies. After they started Dor Yeshorim, Rabbi Ekstein and his wife had 5 healthy children (I've heard it said that Rabbi Ekstein comments that Hashem pays back with interest!) and have seen the Chuppahs of 3 grandchildren. Because of the Ekstein's pain, thousands were spared pain. Hashem has his reasons, even when we don't see them at the time of our pain, but we need to know that He is perfect and only does good for us. I'm sure you will find "your" good through your pain. Just know that you'll only find it through Him.
(44) Miriam, March 12, 2010 10:08 AM
Inspiration
Thank you for sharing such an honest account of your extreme heartache. we all can learn so much from your dedication to Hashem during such a difficult time in your life. May you be blessed with a beautiful family to add to the one which you already have. You are a true inspiration.
(43) Miriam, March 11, 2010 4:03 PM
Matching your soul to Hashem's will
Freidl Liba, my heart goes out to you and to all who have to deal with the issues of unexpected deaths and illnesses. We may never know the reason Hashem has given us these tests, but we do know that our souls cling to Hashem even if our hearts and minds ask "Why?"
(42) Talia, March 11, 2010 2:23 PM
Blessings to you and your family
I found myself crying out "no! no!" at the computer when I read that you lost your second child, even though I do believe what you wrote-that G-d is in control. It sounds like you have a very sweet son; I pray that you will be blessed soon with a healthy baby. Thank you for this article.
(41) Anonymous, March 11, 2010 3:57 AM
DONT LOSE HOPE!
My dear friend, I have walked the same miles as you. But I can assure you there is hope. I got involved with Partners in Torah and started learning the laws of lashon hara daily and thank God it helped. May you have an abundance of success. Another organization you might consider is bonei olam.
(40) Aliza Hausman, March 10, 2010 9:35 PM
Wow!
What a beautiful piece. Thank you for being so open and honest about your struggles.
(39) Chana Jenny Weisberg, March 10, 2010 8:21 PM
May Hashem bless you...
Dear Freidl Liba, thank you for sharing your journey with us, the downs and the ups and now the difficult times again. May Hashem bless you and your new family with an abundance of good...I am looking forward to reading your next article a year or two or three from now, with good news for your family and us aish.com readers.
(38) Anonymous, March 10, 2010 3:38 PM
Every life has a purpose.
G-d does give us the desires of our hearts, but make sure it is G-d who put the desire there, if he has, then he will fulfill that desire. G-d's will is better than our own. Everyone's life has a purpose, some is just met within a few weeks in the womb. There can be much to learn from that life even years from now. Give names to your babies. You do have two children, they went on to eternity. I'm not observant, so I don't know the correct words, but during the part of the service for those who mourn the death of a loved one, stay and don't leave, your babies were people too. You need to let yourself grieve, if you don't do it now, someday you will have to.
(37) Katia E Spiegelman, March 10, 2010 6:48 AM
You described a pain that I have felt , I will pray for you . G-d will be there for you to bring comfort and joy for your family .
(36) Donna Perel, March 10, 2010 4:31 AM
Been There Many Times
Before I got married at 34, I knew that the odds were stacked against me. I got married in June and by August I had my first miscarriage. I then went on to have my two older daughters followed by three more miscarriages. then blessed with my wonderful son. Then again a miscarriage. Finally at 43 I had my youngest daughter. I still wonder what those five souls were like. They completed their job. Don't lose your faith.
(35) Anonymous, March 9, 2010 11:50 PM
Encouragement
I am praying for you and trust that G-d will bless you with healthy beautiful easy viable pregnancies/children! It is so courageous of you to share your story. My aunt had her first child at 45 years old and that was way before there were any fertility treatments. I trust that G-d will bless you with bountiful joy - healthy beautiful babies. Please know that you are in my heartfelt prayers and please share the good news on this site:) Keep the faith...abundant blessing will follow with G-ds help!
(34) Anonymous, March 9, 2010 11:11 PM
Thank you for being transparent
Your article touched me today. I stumbled on your article while surfing the web, and I have been praying for several friends who are believeing to conceive. Thank you for being so open and may G-d bless you soon with your heart's desire.
(33) Anonymous, March 9, 2010 6:21 PM
Been there, but worse
It is good to know that people have had it worse, but it in now way diminishes your very real pain. I've chalked up my two 2nd trimester losses (within one year, yes, delivery, blood transfusions, surgeries, hospitalizations, and lots of healty nausea and vomiting, plus more that you don't need to know) to a power challenge on working on faith before my son arrived (preg w/ him presenting its own set of issures). may you know no more pain and only grow in the areas of empathy and compassion for others as a result of all your troubles.
(32) CR, March 9, 2010 3:37 PM
letter of consolation in Torat HaYoledet
For you Freidl Liba and any other woman who has lost a pregnancy, if you are a fluent Hebrew reader, there is a beautiful letter of consolation for just this situation in the book, "Torat HoYoledet." Most of the book deals with the laws of what to do when a woman gives birth on Shabbat, but it also includes a beautiful letter which was a great source of comfort to me (I've had three documented miscarriages in a family of healthy children, thank G-d). One of the very strong emotions that I and many of us share after losing a baby is the feeling of emptiness - all that raw potential of miraculous new life and future generations and then nothing came of it. This letter's message is that it was not for naught. I don't remember every point, but here are some that I do recall: * You as the mother did a great kindness hosting this soul whose entire tikkun was completed just by being in your womb during that brief time. * When after 120 you will join "the world of souls" that child will thank you and recognize you as his/her mother. * While the child was in your womb, he was studying Torah with an angel. May your children be as olive saplings around your table.
(31) Yehudis, March 9, 2010 4:05 AM
We´ll pray for you and for us
I just want to tell you that i´ll pray for you and other women that are in your same situation to have BS´D healthy children who will live to be a great person,with good midos and iras shamayim. Also i´ll pray for all of us, to be able to understand that we cannot understand everything and that everything that Hashem does for us is for the best even though it´s difficult for us to get it. Lots of braja, hatzlaja and BS´D that we will hear besorot tovot soon.
(30) Anonymous, March 9, 2010 2:19 AM
praying for you
You described a pain that I have felt. So many women throughout the ages have probably felt the same way in similar circumstances, and it's so wonderful that you were willing to write about it publicly so each woman feels a bit more understood, and hopefully each person's pain is diminished just a bit knowing that her experience is not uncommon. Wishing you strength and may all your dreams come true.
(29) Pearl, March 8, 2010 10:20 PM
you've given me hope
thank you so very much for the encouragment, so sorely needed today. I too am looking for my bashert, all the while knowing that I have definite fertility issues. Your hope and bitachon are so amazing and I know how hard it is to keep up the good cheer with CONSTANTLY RAGING hormones! Know that I am davening for you.
(28) Anonymous, March 8, 2010 10:15 PM
You are not alone
After having had a miscarriage myself and counselling young women through them, I can now state that I dont' know one person who is married, and has a kid, and has NOT had a miscarriage, or two. No matter their age, young, old or their health status. Us women are being tested to see if we are strong enough to cope with what is coming, and this is how Hashem tests us. Be strong.
(27) Anonymous, March 8, 2010 8:36 PM
There is no doubt in my mind that you WILL be a joyful mother of more children, beyond the beautiful souls you so joyfully mother already with your husband! G-d should give you comfort, strength, joy and shalom always, and b'shaah tovah, healthy babies both in body and soul to bring into this world and add more joy and simcha to your beautiful family!
(26) Anonymous, March 8, 2010 8:11 PM
An Excellent Reference
I'm so sorry. My wife and I also had trouble having children. A good sefer on this topic is Roni Akarah by Rabbi Yakov Hillel Shlita. May H' Bless you with a big, healthy family very soon.
(25) Anonymous, March 8, 2010 6:28 PM
thank you for this inspiration
having being diagnosed with an early miscarriage just two weeks ago, i've been asking these very same questions. it's so hard to know why H-shem does what He does, and yet we just still have to try. having just listened to a class by R' Jonathan Rietti on happiness was a huge help for me - he said we have to come to truly appreciate the brachos in our lives and then we will be granted more. it's so hard but i'm working on it. may we all share only in joy.
(24) Anonymous, March 8, 2010 4:48 PM
This is such an awesome article you had me tearing up while reading , G-d never fails. LOVE never fails, our wants and desires leaves us feeling so empty when they are not lined up with His , they leave us a little bit stronger for the next person we encounter to be a blessing to , this can be used for so many areas in our life wondering why G-d ,deep within us we know that HE is there and He has a plan G-d of the universe is holding you in the palm of his hand , I have THREE BEAUTIFUL children , but each year March comes around I remember my daughter who would be 11 this year ,loosing her at birth (stillbirth) Still hurts but I just have to trust THE ALMIGHTY I ENJOYED your article i'ts filled with so much wisdom , wisdom that comes from lifes' experiences ,awesome just awesome , BLESSINGS AND PEACE
(23) Dvirah, March 8, 2010 3:28 PM
Adoption is also a solution
Have you considered approaching this Jen with an offer to adopt her baby if she ultimately cannot care for it?
(22) Anonymous, March 8, 2010 10:29 AM
May G-d grant your request
G-d Almighty sustainer of the universe in His unending mercy grant Frieidl Liba bas Chava a healthy child who will live long on this earth. May G-d Almighty Bless her womb and grant this request in His unending mercy and kindness. AMEN
(21) Esther Shoshanah, March 8, 2010 10:14 AM
Frieidl Liba bas Chava...
Frieidl Liba bas Chava, I davened for you when you submitted your articles 2 years ago. You helped so many people going through the loneliness of waiting to get married, and now you are helping so many others who are waiting to have children. You are truly an inspiiration. Thank you. I was so, so happy to find out that you got married. And now, I'm so, so sorry to hear that you've been going through such a hard time. As an outsider to your experience, it is easy for me to think: HaShem tests the ones He loves - but I know it's much more challenging to live that message every day. However, I can only say that from reading your article, it seems like you're doing it! You have so much emunah and wisdom, the special kind that only comes about through undergoing deep yissurim. HaShem doesn't give these kind of challenges to just anyone. And perhaps everything you went through before in trying to get married, and all the amazing levels of growth you achieved has put you in the position where you would be able to handle such a nisayon as this and serve as a shining example of emunah and bitachon to others. Thank you so much once again for sharing your journey with us. I'm rooting for you (and davening!). I pray with all my heart that HaShem should bless you with beautiful, healthy, happy children who will follow you and your husband on the path of Torah, emunah and bitachon that you have paved for yourselves.
(20) Iris Moskovitz, March 8, 2010 2:40 AM
Very well written, on a very sensitive issue.
I know all too well the feelings of hurt,and anger, having suffered three miscarriages in a row. I Boruch Hashem have two beautiful daughters, that keep me quite busy, but I still find myself crying over my losses. I know that everything is for the best, but it is hard at times. May Hashem strengthen all of us who have gone through this challenge.
(19) Rachel, March 8, 2010 1:32 AM
Don't give up
I went through something similar after my first two children. (Although I admit that having already had children does make a difference.) I had four miscarriage in 18 months. Boruch Hashem I went on to have another two children at age 32 and 34. Don't give up! Get in touch with an organization like ATIME. They helped me in amazing ways. Their compassion and empathy is unbelievable! We are davening for you. May Hashem grant you all the wishes of your heart.
(18) Anonymous, March 8, 2010 1:14 AM
davening...
i totally had tears in my eyes reading this....as an older single with known potential fertility issues i cry for you and cry for all of us... please sign into atime.org for comfort and help. they have been wonderful even to me as a single.
(17) ECD, March 8, 2010 1:00 AM
Thank you for sharing
Having experienced a full term loss, I can understand the anguish of a loss. May G-d give you comfort. Only He can.
(16) Samsmom, March 8, 2010 12:45 AM
I have had 6 miscarriages
Thank you for bringing this issue to the forefront. It is hard for me to remain a woman of faith when I have lost so many pregnancies. I had 4 miscarriages before the birth of my son and two more losses after him. I have not been able to get pregnant for 9 years. I am still angry and hurt but I have accepted that only Ha-Shem decided which pregnancies make it and which do not.
(15) Anonymous, March 8, 2010 12:44 AM
We love you and pray
...thank you for sharing such a tremendous life experience. We pray that you are healed and healthy, and enjoy and love your life.
(14) Rivkah Devorah bas Sarah, March 8, 2010 12:22 AM
I feel for you
Friedl Liba, I've been thru similar pain and wish you only happiness in the future. We've been waiting for over 14 years...Hugs.
(13) Lisa, March 8, 2010 12:00 AM
I will daven for you..
I'm so sorry you went through such pain and sadness... I also met my wonderful zivug "after a certain age" and BH I had 2 children in my 40's.. it can happen! May Hashem give you koach to get through this challenge..
(12) sonia, March 7, 2010 9:33 PM
pregnancy
I cannot begin to know how you are feeling, but my heart goes out to you. I will do an extra mitzvah and ask my grandchildren also to do the same, we will have you in my prayers.
(11) ruth, March 7, 2010 8:57 PM
to have and to have not
Many years ago I would not have believed that God holds the universe together and I would not have allowed that this loss of two babies was God's inscrutable will, one that undoubtedly does take on personal meaning. These days I am rock solid you are right and I also do believe deeply that science and scientific advances are part of the story. Because if all is God then so is this, part of an ongoing discovery process. My daughter is trying to get pregnant and I am so wanting for this to happen, for her, and of course for us all, as this is a loving family. I have a feeling it will happen, and I also do deeply know, that whatever happens, it must be a story that does totally turn on, LOVE, because life is so flled with sorrows, and I do totally believe this symphony not only has a conductor but there is an explanation beyond our current "knowing".
(10) Anonymous, March 7, 2010 8:29 PM
I love you, hang in there! May we both hear good news soon!
(9) beth, March 7, 2010 8:15 PM
i know and feel your pain
for the last 6 years i suffered 7 losses and can feel the terrible pain. you have the right attitude. may i suggest you go to israel to visit rav shimon bar yochai and other tzaddikim. if hashem wills it - it will be - that is what i tell myself. but the pain is unfathomable and i still cry.
(8) Anonymous, March 7, 2010 4:57 PM
website on miscarriage from a jewish perspective
I'm very sorry for your loss having gone through a miscarriage and not yet managed to conceive 10 months later. Have a look at this website http://www.jewishpregnancyloss.org/ it has lots of answers to the questions you posed above.
(7) Marni, March 7, 2010 4:56 PM
Davening
I will daven for you until I hear you are holding your precious healthy baby in your arms, iy"H.
(6) Anonymous, March 7, 2010 4:48 PM
I cried the whole way through...
I'm 22 and have been struggling for over a year to have a baby. I had a miscarriage last summer and went through everything which you've described here. From the anger at Hashem to anger at my husband to wondering what I did wrong to deserve this. Just this morning, I got another negative pregnancy test and tried to pretend it was ok until I found myself sobbing in the shower. When I saw this article on Aish, somehow it felt like divine providence. When I started out on this journey to get pregnant, I thought my age would make it easy. I had several friends who were pregnant by accident and I felt sure I'd have no problem. I was shocked that it took 4 months the first time and heartbroken when only 3 weeks after finding out I was pregnant, my doctor diagnosed a miscarriage. I'm coming up on the anniversary of that miscarriage with nothing to show for it and I'm feeling hopeless and angry and every other emotion you could imagine. I just want to get pregnant again and have a healthy pregnancy. I want to experience all of the horrible side effects of pregnancy if only it means getting to cradle a happy, healthy baby in my arms at the end and raise it to live a long, happy, healthy life of torah, simcha and bracha. Please, I ask for your tefillos as well: Sora Bina bas Tzipporah Fayga Avigayil May we all merit to have our tefillos fulfilled in the most beneficial ways possible.
(5) Anonymous, March 7, 2010 4:42 PM
I wish I could give you a hug. I've been through this - two miscarriages between my first and second child. It was an extremely difficult time, mourning these unborn children, thinking that HaShem must be punishing me, and always wondering whether this is it, will there will be no other happier scenario. The truth is after 35 your miscarriage rate just does go up, and it's extremely common to have two in a row. I didn't realize how many women have had them, often in quantity, and how much we suffer with them, until I started talking about it. I also tried some alternative medicine, as the hormones made me feel unwell and messed up my cycle, and it was hard to see how I could get pregnant under those circumstances. It worked - in the end, I had my second child, a son, at age 44, and he is the sweetest most beautiful blessing I could receive. I thank HaShem every day for him. All I can say is that something inside me told me not to give up, and even if I'd had a third miscarriage, I still would have kept trying. I say listen to your body and to your instincts, and if they tell you to keep trying, keep trying! Keep as strong as you can (and be compassionate to yourself too) - I can't but believe that HaShem wants you to be a mother, the body just has to cooperate. I will be praying for you. xoxo
(4) Anonymous, March 7, 2010 4:39 PM
Thank you for sharing your plight with other members of Klal Yisrael, strengthening our bitachon along with your own.
(3) e.m.lefrak, March 7, 2010 2:31 PM
May you merit to have offspring, easily, quickly, and in a healthy manner, with everything going in an obviously positive way. Yes, we should be careful how we word our prayers. may Hashem fulfill all the requests from your heart, even if the words don't come out right.
(2) Anonymous, March 7, 2010 11:10 AM
adding to list
We'll be including you in daily recitation of Tehillim/Psalms. May Hashem answer your prayers, soon. Wanting so much to read a follow-up article next year with good news.
(1) shani, March 7, 2010 9:36 AM
Tefilos
Thank you for bringing me to true tears once again. Your unbelievable sense of faith is such an inspiration to me. I literally feel your pain, and pray that God grants you a healthy and happy baby. You are so strong, I am sure any child you raise will only benefit from your greatness.