The call came late on a Sunday night in June 2003. Shlomo Dror’s ex-wife was worried about their elder son, Emil’s, emotional well-being. A psychoanalyst in Tennessee, Dror promised to follow up quickly. Phoning the next day from his office, he couldn’t mistake Emil’s deep distress. Dror whirled into action. Telling his secretary to cancel all his patients that week, he rushed to catch the first flight to San Francisco and arrived at Emil’s door unannounced after midnight.
The next day they had heartfelt talks from morning to night. Emil, 34, echoed a complaint he had first lodged years before as a rising high school senior. He dredged up the hurt of a 6-year-old boy whose father pounced to make a winning move while teaching him chess.
Dror recalls, “I had this crazy idea I had to teach Emil how to get along in a rough world. Here he was years later telling me this was one of the most crushing experiences he ever had, and for the rest of his life it gave him a sense he couldn’t count on my help to make him feel good.”
Now Dror was there in person to rescue his precious son from major depression. He called a colleague in the San Francisco Bay area and made a therapy appointment for the two of them the following day. Having a plan seemed to foster a sense of calm over the situation.
The next morning, after reviewing the plan for the day and confirming Emil’s agreement, Dror was showering when he heard Emil shout cheerfully, “I’ll be back in a minute.” Intuitively, he knew his son didn’t plan to come back. He feared Emil was about to do the unthinkable.
One psychiatrist asked, “Have you called the Golden Gate Bridge?”
Dror called all over town, including police and emergency personnel, hoping to prevent Emil from harming himself. One psychiatrist he consulted asked, “Have you called the Golden Gate Bridge?”
As Dror was to learn later, it was too late.
After almost an hour of dreadful foreboding, he answered the phone to hear a highway patrolman say, “We recovered your son’s body from the bay.”
Dror lay on the floor in anguish, pounding his fists and screaming with all his might, "Emil, don't jump! Please, please, please don’t jump!" He knew he couldn’t change the reality, but he continued screaming and crying anyway.
“I was filled with terror, horror, unbearable pain. I was expressing it with my entire mind and body. I cannot think of any equivalent moment of concentrated experience in my entire life.”
Life after Death
After picking himself off the floor, a great sense of calm unexpectedly washed over him. That moment marked an indelible turning point. “I have had two lives, before and after the suicide. I brought one life to a close and started a new life, almost as an infant,” Dror reflects.
Soul-searching became his constant focus. While agonizing over his tremendous loss and what kind of father he had been, Dror was counseled by his Chabad rabbi, among others, and over time he became an observant Jew.
“At that point we had already been studying on a weekly basis,” Rabbi Yossi Wilhelm of Knoxville, Tenn. explains. “We discussed many of life’s happenings through a Torah lens, which without question looking back was gave Shlomo a foundation to allow growth to come out of this terrible tragedy.”
Rabbi Wilhelm describes how Dror wrestled with his grief, pain and regret. “He mourned, and I’m sure he continues to mourn, struggling to get over the blame, and then he realized he would choose to learn from this. He accepted what happened and looked at how he could grow. By choosing to live life in a fulfilling way he is honoring his son’s memory. I believe this is a very Jewish approach to suffering.”
“By choosing to live life in a fulfilling way he is honoring his son’s memory. I believe this is a very Jewish approach to suffering.”
Dror’s slow journey toward Jewish observance had begun when he got cancer at age 40 – one year after the trauma of his divorce. As he says, “I intuitively felt that getting cancer was meaningful, although it would be several years until I gained broad understanding of its import. That ‘catastrophe’ provoked serious soul-searching as a close encounter with mortality often does.
“Dr. Dick Felder z’’l, a personal friend, visited me in the hospital while I recovered from a second surgery. He said he had read everything in the medical literature on psychological characteristics of cancer patients – psychosomatic disease was one of his specialties – and he learned only one thing of significance. ‘If you want to survive this,’ he said portentously, ‘you’d better get connected to someone.’
“I didn’t know what to make of this at the time, but after four months of intensive radiation therapy post discharge, I traveled to Spain to present a paper at an international professional conference. By ‘coincidence,‘ I met Ruth Dayan, widow of Moshe Dayan, in a Madrid art gallery. Hearing that I lived in Knoxville, she asked which shul I belonged to, and named both of them. I was embarrassed to say I had never been to either.
“Dick‘s admonition to ‘connect’ and Ruth’s mention of congregations in my hometown combined to influence me to investigate the opportunities. After comparison shopping I became a member of the Reform temple, my first act of Jewish affiliation. It was also the beginning of an experience of connection that would culminate in a connection the likes of which I never imagined.”
During Rosh Hashanah services on the second year of synagogue attendance, he had a series of unprecedented experiences. “First I realized that the language of the prayers – recited mainly in English as is the reform custom – was beautiful, in fact poetic. Then I realized that this was more than elegant language – the words of the machzor conveyed ideas – ideas I deeply agreed with. I had one of the most startling revelations of my life.
“Having been a ‘60s counterculture radical, I held the unjustified conceit that the system of values that mattered to me had been formed through my individual effort to develop a philosophy of life. With an enormous shock I awakened to the fact that all the values I imagined I had selected independently had actually come from my parents, who learned them from their parents. My values were Jewish values passed from generation to generation beginning with the gathering Mt. Sinai thousands of years before me. In a flash, the concept ‘I am Jewish’ changed from a nearly empty verbal formula to an altered existence. With this new insight, ‘I am Jewish’ became the defining feature of my life. This was the first time my identity as a Jew gained existential gravity and intellectual substance.”
Building a Spiritual Life
Growing up in the only Jewish family in the small agricultural community of Moultrie, Ga., Dror wasn’t given a Hebrew name. He changed his name from Stephen to Shlomo Ya’acov after Emil’s death. His spiritual journey intensified and he made aliyah, becoming a citizen of Israel, in his 60s. As he studied Torah with new teachers, he decided to have a traditional bris, the ritual Jewish circumcision.
His internal landscape shifted dramatically. Dror, now 74, says he has given up the materialistic focus of his life before Emil’s death. He is driven to contribute to society by seeking opportunities to give charity, provide free counseling to those in need and share his teaching gifts. He pours his heart into his relationships with his younger son, Jesse, 47, his daughter-in-law and three grandchildren.
“I had been a bad father in the boys’ youth,” he confesses. “I was bad-tempered even when I wasn’t shouting. I couldn’t change what had occurred in the past, but I devoted myself to acknowledging the damage I’d done and to doing everything in my power to rectify things, doing tikkun (repair).”
After Emil’s passing, Dror could not get a passage from Psalm 34 out of his head: “God is close to the brokenhearted, and the crushed in spirit He rescues.” He says these words perfectly expressed his understanding that loss can be transformative.
“After Emil died, I no longer exclusively focused on the concept of being a better father; it broadened to the entire world. I review my behavior all the time, the good and the bad,” Dror says.
“I gave up the pretense of being better than other people. I dropped so much ego. If I had certain strengths other people didn’t have, it didn’t make me a better person. If I went to services on Shabbat and other people didn’t, it didn’t make me a better person. Since then I have never had a concern as great as my concern for teshuvah, genuine change. Whatever time God allows me, nothing can push me off course.”
(17) Anonymous, May 26, 2019 5:28 PM
Aish is very interesting
After reading your many interesting arrivals I would like you to send this important Aish.com to my son Avi Gluck a very troubled young man . Perhaps your articlescan help him as they have helped me. Avi@Haivanti.com
(16) Anonymous, May 25, 2019 1:53 AM
How do you make a choice between being physically abused and staying in the vicinity of your grown but 5g mind controlled children, just in case...or do you try to avoid the abuse and hope you can return to your children?
Thank you for the heartbreaking but encouraging tale of starting over.
(15) Jaya, May 24, 2019 7:25 PM
Twice born .
Very poignant and moving account of loss and subsequent recovery - not just recovery but transcending the pain and rewriting one’s life’s mission . Deeply touching and insightful .
(14) Anonymous, May 24, 2019 6:10 PM
Wonderful
Sadly our era pushed us to believe achieving professionally financially was “The all Important “. I’m so sorry for your loss but grateful that your life is on a wonderful journey. G-d bless
(13) Raquel grunwalt, May 24, 2019 1:31 PM
You all are very helpful
(12) Tochi Biko, May 24, 2019 8:10 AM
Such a beautiful reminder of comfort and grace.
I appreciate this so much. I'm not a Jew, I'm Christian. But I was especially struck by Matthew 5:3-4 while I was studying last week. "Happy are people who are hopeless." and "Happy are people who grieve." Psalm 34, and this story really resonate with the peace i received. Thank you for sharing this touching story!
(11) Gillian, May 24, 2019 4:41 AM
Inspirational, honest and sincere. May his journey into this new space of belief and trust help him survive the terrible loss and be a blessing to others in need.
(10) Dedun, May 24, 2019 1:29 AM
What an encouragement
What an encouragement to many suffering from deep and unimaginable loss. Thank you for sharing the word of God and your recovery during this unspeakable tragedy.
(9) Anonymous, May 23, 2019 4:51 PM
God loves the brokenhearted
WHY does god love the broken-hearted? Isn’t it better to not have a broken heart, than to be loved by God? And what does it mean that god loves us? How can we feel that love? With my daughter’s death, am I supposed to rejoice that god loves me? I’m not angry with god because I don’t believe in him/her, but if I did believe, I’d be very angry. As it is, I’m confused. I have nothing or no one to blame. I don’t feel particularly loved.
Me, May 23, 2019 5:54 PM
G-d has a Plan
We know G d is there otherwise how do we explain our self sufficient small populous planet in the vast endless universe or the many centuries of Jewish exile and persecution and now jews have returned from all over globe to israel which is now the country with modt jews.
Regarding tragedies we need to know Gd has a plan and in the end we see why. Regarding death we do believe in a Here after where it is a much better place as well.
daniel, May 23, 2019 6:06 PM
Please explain
Hello Anonymous,
I would like to answer some of your questions but I dont the question as it was asked. Are you asking one or multiple questions?
Anonymous, May 23, 2019 7:21 PM
To live in fear /awe of God seems to me essential for mankind
It is normal to be angry at loved ones including God
(8) Bracha Goetz, May 23, 2019 4:38 PM
Wonderful!
(7) Shimeon Weiner, May 23, 2019 2:34 PM
Thank you -
A very meaningful piece. Thank you for sharing your story - you've made a difference.
(6) Molly Brown Koch, May 23, 2019 2:07 PM
Inspired and inspiring message
To rise from despair as Shlomo Dror did, to face oneself as he did, and to seek wholeness to honor his beloved son and “choose life” can be a priceless model for others who have lost hope.
(5) Ann, May 23, 2019 1:59 PM
Inspiring article
This article was very inspiring and meaningful to me.
(4) Anonymous, May 23, 2019 1:50 PM
I had a similar experience
It was comforting to read Dror's experience. My son also committed suicide at the age of 44. Your life is never the same after that. You are truly brokenhearted.
(3) Aura, May 17, 2019 9:29 PM
TRULY INSPIRATIONAL SHLOMO DROR'S STORY
We are all on a journey in this life to grow into our individual potential, correct character defects but especially to grow as Jews and to grow closer to Hashem the source of all living things, our Father in heaven. Beautiful story showing how this man grew from his terrible trauma. He is an inspiration to all. HASHEM should continue to help him grow, develop and expand his possibilities. Thank you for this deeply moving story
(2) alison datz, May 16, 2019 1:54 PM
"God is close to the brokenhearted"
beautiful text
(1) Lizzie, May 13, 2019 5:35 PM
Great Reminder
Thank you for this article. I am going through major difficulty with my health and need a surgery that will coat thousands out-of-pocket. I am truly broken-hearted. I needed to hear Hashem is close to me now.
Shlomo Dror, May 23, 2019 3:16 PM
Where to look for God—chasidic story
A little boy wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long trip to where God lived, so he packed some potato chips and juices and started his journey.
When he had gone about three blocks, he met an old man sitting in the park, just staring at pigeons. The boy sat down next to him quietly. He thought of taking a drink of juice when he noticed that the old man looked hungry. He offered him some chips. The gratefully took them and smiled at the boy. His smile was so pretty that the boy wanted to see it again, so he offered him juice. Again, he smiled at him. The boy was delighted!
They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling, without saying a word. As twilight approached, the boy realized to go, but before he took more than a few steps, he turned around, ran back to the old man, and gave him a hug. The old man gave him his biggest smile ever..
When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later, his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face. She asked, "What did you do today that made you so happy?"
He replied, "I had lunch with God." But before his mother could respond, he added, "You know what? He's got the most beautiful smile I've ever seen!"
Meanwhile, the old man also radiant with joy, returned to his home. His son was stunned by the look of peace on his face and he asked, "Dad, what did you do today that made you so happy?"
He replied "I ate potato chips in the park with God." However, before his son responded, he added, "He's much younger than I expected."
People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime! Embrace all equally!
B. Zalman, May 23, 2019 3:44 PM
Encore!!
The article in itself was profound. There's a man on the west coast (I think he's been the subject of an Aish artilcle or two) who gives out cards encouraging people to smile. He also has a card that says: Be kind! Everyone you meet is fighting a battle that you know nothing about!
The life of Mr. Dror, with it's tragedy and uplifting turn was really insightful and moving. His response with the chassidic parable was an amazing topping to his own life experience.