When I was a child, I believed that God existed because that’s what I was told. Being raised in a Conservative Jewish family, keeping kosher, and attending Jewish Day School meant that believing in God was just something you did, like brushing your teeth. As I grew into adulthood, I foolishly subscribed to the preposterous notion that God intended for us all to endure a certain amount of pain in our lifetime. Once we reached that quota of hardship, we were entitled to uninterrupted happiness (an immunity card). This was my own personal take on how God operated. Yes, after thousands of years of scholars studying theology, Lisa Goodman had cracked the code!
I figured I’d paid my dues. After all, I was diagnosed with a rare disfiguring autoimmune disease – scleroderma – at the age of ten. My entire body was sprinkled with telangiectasia (red spots caused by broken capillaries), my arms and fingers were permanently contracted, and my legs were thin as twigs. Throw in the painful ulcers on my elbows and fingertips that leaked calcium and you can imagine how cool I looked in Junior High. In case growing up with chronic pain and deformities wasn’t enough to qualify me for God’s immunity card, I had a few other issues too. Like, a Bipolar father living in a halfway house whom I hadn’t seen since I was eleven and a difficult stepfather who was prone to harsh criticism.
Yep, I had paid my dues alright. I felt I earned my young adulthood that brought me tremendous happiness. I met my husband, David, who looked past my exterior and fell in love with me for the person I am. We married, established fulfilling careers, and welcomed our son into our lives. Our life was far from perfect, but we were genuinely happy most of the time.
I told my 3-year-old that I’d be back in four days with his new baby sister. I came home from the hospital 218 days later.
So, on April 26, 2006, I had no reason to believe that my scheduled C-section would result in anything other than a beautiful daughter and a small scar.
Due to scleroderma, both my pregnancies were high-risk. Since the birth of my son had gone so well, doctors assured me there was no reason to believe my daughter’s delivery would be any different. I told my three-year-old son that mommy would be back from the hospital in four days with his brand new baby sister.
I came home from the hospital – 218 days later.
I was bald, in a wheelchair, weighed under 80 pounds, and wore a hissing bandage on my neck that concealed the hole left by my tracheotomy wound. Needless to say, I suffered grave complications after my daughter’s birth. What began as a postpartum infection spiraled wildly out of control. I survived an emergency colectomy, eight major surgeries, the loss of my spleen, two tracheotomies, temporary paralysis, ICU Psychosis, and a myriad of other medical traumas that brought me to the brink of death at age 31. For many months I didn’t eat, drink, speak, move a muscle, or see my children.
My husband Dave and me.
Those seven months away from my husband, newborn daughter, and toddler son nearly destroyed my marriage, ability to parent, will to live, and faith in God. I thought God and I had had a deal. If I could beat the odds of my scleroderma diagnosis (many scleroderma patients don’t survive more than seven years), grow up without a father, and just generally try to be a good person, God was supposed to reward me with my immunity card. I wasn’t expecting exemption from all things unpleasant. An occasional parking ticket, plumbing problem, root canal, or marital spat was certainly acceptable. I was simply expecting immunity from any major life catastrophe.
I was expecting immunity from any major life catastrophe. What had I done to deserve this from God?
During those 218 days, I would often weep to my mom and sister, wondering why God was punishing me so harshly. What had I done to deserve this from God? The hospital rabbi came to visit me weekly on Fridays, always bringing challah and grape juice. Most of the time, I had a tracheotomy and was unable to talk, but even if I could have spoken, I didn’t have anything to say to him. The last thing I wanted to hear was some rabbi’s “pearls of wisdom,” so I usually pretended I was asleep when I heard him enter my room.
Yet, as angry as I was with God, I kept praying anyway. I had very little else to do with all my spare time. My family, friends, and total strangers all prayed for me as well. We had nearly every religion covered. In July, when my surgeon hit my splenic artery during surgery and I hemorrhaged on the operating room table, my mom even had our rabbi change my Hebrew name in an attempt to change my mazel and fool the angel of death.
By September, I was making slow and steady gains toward recovery. So when the hospital rabbi walked in on Rosh Hashanah, with great trepidation, holding his shofar almost as a peace offering, I smiled at him. Exhaling with relief, the rabbi asked if I would like to hear the shofar. I nodded that I did. My mom, little brother, older sister, and David all stood on either side of my bed holding my hands. The rabbi began to blow the shofar. As the familiar notes pierced the room, we all closed our eyes and let the tears flow freely. I knew we were all praying for the same thing. Please, God, make this a better year than the last, please let me be inscribed in the book of life.
It was moments like that which allowed a glimmer of hope to seep back into my heart, but it was years until I fully reconciled with God.
In a world without miracles, I would be dead.
Eleven years later, I’ve made a remarkable recovery. After seven months in the hospital and another six months receiving intensive physical, occupational, respiratory, and speech therapy, I am able to eat, speak, and walk again. I’ve come to understand that God does not owe me anything, and that little ole me cannot fathom God. I no longer profess to have God all figured out.
Some people have told me that my survival is a miraculous gift bestowed upon me from God and that it has renewed their faith in God. Others have asked me how I could still possibly believe in God after what I went through. I have done a lot of soul searching, read a few books, and had several deep conversations with my rabbi. The truth is I still don’t know exactly what I believe. But I am wrestling with the questions.
I do know that if someone asks me if I believe in God, I don’t hesitate in my response. Yes, I do believe in God and miracles. In a world without miracles, I would be dead. Somehow, I’m here to raise my children. Somehow, my husband and I cobbled back the shattered pieces of our marriage. Somehow, my friends and family demonstrated superhuman strength and devotion to carry me through those 218 days. I think that “somehow” just might be God.
(27) joshua, May 11, 2018 4:13 PM
kol kavod
...to you and your family. you are a tzadakis. your merits are surely towering. may you go from strength to strength.
(26) Kelly Rebekah ben Maimon, May 6, 2017 10:56 PM
Thank you for sharing
Oh my goodness!! What an inspirational story Lisa. You have been through so much, yet have the ability to continue and grow, touching the lives of others. Moved that the rabbi continued to visit you and that you were able to hear the shofar. May your name continued to be written in the book of life and as music knows no barriers, may your words continue to influence many thousands of people around the world. You are like a candle, burning brightly in this world. Thank you for sharing. London, England
(25) Sara Metzger, May 3, 2017 9:51 PM
Very inspirational
Thanks for sharing your story. i am so happy that the story had a happy ending. I am sorry you had to go through so much, and i am so happy you have gotten through it . I love how you end the post, "I think that “somehow” just might be God." All the best.
Lisa Goodman-Helfand, May 5, 2017 8:33 PM
Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to comment Sara.
(24) Frits Trijbetz, May 3, 2017 1:39 AM
i believe that one day we all get an explanation from Hashem. And we need to justify our way of life. Then it will all make sense but for now we are all sitting for 'the test of life'.
Be well (good health, physically, mentally and spiritually), be better (the art is in the trying; the bonus is succeeding), be the best (you can be).
(23) Anonymous, May 2, 2017 3:34 PM
I have no right to complain about ANYTHING
After reading your inspiring and brave story, it made me reflect on my own self-absorption with ongoing problems. Thank you for having the courage to share your story. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Blessings.
(22) richard, May 2, 2017 2:49 PM
I'd like to make a suggestion
Please check the web site LDN.org! Look at the research and consider trying it for your auto immune disease. It can be miraculous with virtually no side affects and works very well in so many cases.
(21) Jonas, May 2, 2017 2:48 PM
Debt Free in the World to come?
I've been suffering through cancer and brain tumors for over 10 years and even had a disabling stroke during one brain surgery.
All I can think of is as bad as things are in this world they'll be that much better in the world to come since I'm doing a good job paying off my debt in this life.
(20) Jolie Greiff, May 1, 2017 1:59 PM
immunity card
Lisa, I think you deserve much more than an immunity card.
(19) Em, May 1, 2017 11:09 AM
It IS so unfair. You SHOULD have that immunity card.
Avi, May 2, 2017 1:46 AM
Life (in this world) is not fair
(18) Shlomo Elspas, May 1, 2017 3:51 AM
May Gd bless you only with simchas, Lisa
You are an inspiration.
(17) Anonymous, May 1, 2017 2:23 AM
I am humbled by your faith and strength.
(16) Robbie, May 1, 2017 2:21 AM
HaShem led me straight to this. I have Juvenile Onset Dermatomyositis and have had similar feelings and experiences. I'm so blessed to have read this.
(15) Ra-anan, April 30, 2017 11:55 PM
G-D BLESS YOU!!!
G-D BLESS YOU!!! B"SD
(14) Tzvi, April 30, 2017 11:27 PM
A Warrior of Klal Yisroel
May your blessings be multiplied. May your strength become greater than ever before- & your children bring you Torah Nachas-AMEN
(13) Joseph, April 30, 2017 10:34 PM
"We had nearly every religion covered"
Sickness brings us all together. There may be agnostics in a hospital , but there are no atheists. G-d is the in the fact that so many different faith traditions come together to heal and helping to heal is love and G-d is love. Bless you for sharing.
(12) Phyllis Kaplan, April 30, 2017 10:28 PM
I was one of the ones praying
Dear Lisa,
Dear Lisa,
I was one of the ones praying for you and am so glad our prayers were answered.
Love,
Phyllis Kaplan
(11) D.K.Milgrim-Heath, April 30, 2017 8:22 PM
Lisa::You've changed people's lives and each of us need to better our world this way.
Lisa: You've changed people's lives and each of us need to better our world this way.
I'm proud of you I really am as I'm a survivor of another health situation.
Survival Having A Scleroderma Story
By D.K.Milgrim-Heath©2017
Survival having a scleroderma story-
Quite a miraculous Godly glory.
God’s with us in every earthly scene-
Everywhere even tiniest spaces in between.
When obstacles grip tragedies do show-
Daily/nightly doses of prayers for God’s help then does grow.
Being a preemie survivor I was a born fighter to be-
That’s why I know God’s around for all of us absolutely.
Disabled people have their life’s journey of poor health-
Yes -God’s protects His children having low physical wealth.
Do notice as the Torah shows us the more we pray-
Our earthly trials get lighter every day.
There’s something spiritual with prayer that relieves fear-
As we realize God’s our supreme healer being always near.
God’s presence is real and other health survivors show that you see-
We’re chosen to emphasize to others God’s healings absolutely.
(10) Louis, April 30, 2017 5:04 PM
Stem Cell Therapy for Scleroderma
Stem cells are now being used and researched as treatment for many previously difficult medical conditions including
Scleroderma. Ethical difficulties are bypassed by using the Mesenchymal Adipose-derived Stem Cells from a persons own tissues. This is the future of medicine....regenerative medicine. It's happening all over the world, so if you can't get the therapy in the USA, you might try Panama or Costa Rica.
Please see the following.................
http://www.stemcellresearchfacts.org/tony-underhill-inspires-by-fig/
Best of luck to all those needing help.
(9) Judy zwick, April 30, 2017 4:40 PM
Wow! I am so touched
To persevere is in itself a great lesson to me. May I have your full name for tefilla? I will place thoughts of you always in my heart, and may you see much bracha and refuah from HaShem, together with your husband see much nachas and kol Tuv!
(8) Lyone, April 30, 2017 3:40 PM
Honesty . . . .
What amazing strength YOU have.
For me, your most uplifting insight is that "The truth is I still don't know exactly what I believe." I suspect this is really the truth for most of us, but we are not humble enough to say so.
Thank you for sharing your struggle with the rest of us, who are also struggling in our own ways.
(7) Leah, April 30, 2017 3:31 PM
Wow!
You have a moved mountains! Forge onward, strong Jewish Eishet Chayil!
(6) Anonymous, April 30, 2017 3:23 PM
Wow, what a story!
May G-d continue to bless you and your family each an everyday!
I believe that every one has a story to tell, some stories are much more painful than others. I also believe that no matter how painful a story, one can always find one worse than hers. Most importantly, i think the pains in one's life and the fights along the way , and coming out of it all successfully, is what shapes a person's character. I am so proud of the strength I see in you! Reading your story, I had tears trickle down my face, knowing how badly you must have wanted to live and gain strength to be there for your kids!
We all have a choice how we look at life. I truly hope this experience makes you treasure every breath you take, every smile on your children's lips. I pray that you see them under the chupah and see their kids go under the chupah and that you live to tell them all your stories with a positive spin on them. That life is worth fighting for the one's you love!
(5) Rebecca, April 30, 2017 2:04 PM
Amazingly inspirational
You and your family sound amazingly inspirationally beautiful people!!!!!! My G-d continue to bless you with good health.
(4) Anonymous, April 30, 2017 1:50 PM
Paying dues
Many of us were lied to when it being brainwash to paying our dues whether to joining the military, staying in school, getting good grades and then finding out it was all for nothing because a few hundred wealthy people decide a long time ago that the rest of us don't deserve to have a good standard of life.
Alice, May 3, 2017 12:00 AM
Cynicism is totally uncalled for
I pity the writer of this message. As Lisa so wisely herself observed: "I came to realize that G-d owes me NOTHING!"
Why mix in anger at wealthy people and blame them for brainwashing the rest of population into "paying their dues" when that is TOTALLY irrelevant to the situation at hand.
How about looking in the mirror and honestly assesing whether YOU have put forth enough effort to have a good standard of life???
(3) Miriam, April 30, 2017 11:55 AM
Thank you for inspiration
Dear Lisa. Thank you for the very inspirational article. You look just amazing in the photo with your precious daughter (with the pink head band). May Hashem give you health, simcha, much brocha and nachas from your children. Thank you for reaching out to give others chizuk
(2) Anonymous, April 30, 2017 9:23 AM
G-d Bless You
May you be blessed with good health and happiness and may you have the strength to face all that comes your way.
Thank you for sharing your story.
(1) Anonymous, April 30, 2017 7:49 AM
So inspirational!
WOW! May G-d bless you with much good health and happiness! So very inspirational! Thank you!