Anne was an abused child. When she grew up, she did what many abused kids inexplicably do: she married a man who turned out to be an abuser. When she realized the scope of the damage her husband was inflicting on their three children, Anne took the children and fled.
Life has not been easy for Anne. Although she is a college graduate, she cannot use her diploma since she is in hiding under an assumed name. She supports her children by cleaning houses and taking in ironing.
Money is scarce. Half her meager monthly income goes to pay psychotherapists for her children. The kids, especially the boys, are aggressive, belligerent, and rebellious. They feel they got a raw deal in life. Since their father is not around, they blame their mother. It doesn't help that she has no money to give them to buy the things the other kids have, not even treats. The oldest, 14-year-old Nate, was caught stealing candy at the local supermarket.
A strong, strapping boy, Nate often gets into fights with the neighborhood kids and with his younger siblings. Verbal sparring matches between Nate and his twelve-year-old brother Donny sound like a script out of "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
Like many people who were abused by their fathers, Anne has a hard time forging a relationship with God. Since moving to a Jewish neighborhood and living among religious people whose lifestyle she admires, Anne has set new goals for her family. They now keep Shabbat and kashrut, and the children go to religious schools. As much as she appreciates the beauty of Judaism, however, Anne has a host of gripes against God.
Anne has a host of gripes against God.
"I don't blame him for the marriage," she says. "I went into that with my eyes open. But why did God have to give me such monsters for parents? And why, even now, does He have to make my life so difficult?"
Anne suffers from a battery of minor health problems. Frequently, she must choose between buying a new pair of shoes for one of the kids or paying the electric bill. The telephone company recently disconnected her telephone. "It's easier to live without a telephone than without electricity," she explains to me. "My kids are afraid of the dark."
Last Friday, Anne called me. (Someone lent her money to pay her phone bill.) "I'm about to have a nervous breakdown," she told me grimly. "On top of everything else, my iron broke. How does God expect me to earn money without my iron? And I can't afford a new one."
On Saturday night, after Shabbat, I telephoned Anne with the good news that a neighbor of mine had an extra iron which she was willing to give her. She informed me that over Shabbat the plumbing in the upstairs bathroom had broken down. She had no money to call a plumber.
"I just wish God would lighten up on me," Anne complained.
I didn't know what to say. She certainly does have a difficult lot in life, I thought. I tried desperately to summon up a spiritual perspective which would lift her out of her depression.
"God does give you a lot of challenges," I said finally. "But who knows? Even all the stuff you suffer -- the broken iron, the broken plumbing -- may be God's mercy instead of giving you something worse like..." Here I faltered. What could be worse than all the hardships she has endured?
NOTHING CHANGES; EVERYTHING CHANGES
The next morning, Sunday, Nate needed to go to the nearest big city. He stood at the entrance of their small town in order to hitch a ride. A white Mitsubishi with three women he knew stopped to pick him up. Nate got into the car and asked them where in the city they were headed.
When they told him, Nate had second thoughts. He didn't really have money for bus fare in the city. Maybe he could get a ride which would take him closer to his destination. On the other hand, maybe he couldn't. For a split second, he vacillated. Then Nate thanked the three women and got out of the car.
Five minutes later, the father of one of Nate's friends picked him up. They had traveled no more than a few minutes down the highway when the traffic stopped dead. Nate got out of the car to see what the trouble was.
He saw the road splattered with blood. Then he saw a hand lying on the road. Then a foot. Horrified, his eyes moved to the two vehicles which had collided: a bus and the white Mitsubishi, now crushed like a discarded tin can.
All three women were dead.
All three women were dead.
As soon as Nate reached the city, he called his mother. His voice was shaking. "I was in the car," he repeated over and over again. "Five minutes before the accident, I was in the car. I'm not even sure why I got out." Anne could not remember the last time she had heard Nate crying.
When Anne called me a few hours later, she was still trembling so hard I felt like the telephone wires were shaking. "Do you realize how close he came to being killed?" she asked me, trying desperately to convey her sense that her son had been miraculously plucked out of the doomed vehicle just in the nick of time.
She had one pressing question for me: "How do I thank God?"
Nothing had changed. Anne still had no money, no good job prospects, poor health, broken plumbing, and three scarred kids. But suddenly, in the split second that it takes two vehicles to collide on the highway, everything had changed. Her eldest son was alive.
She felt like a woman blessed beyond words.
Related Article: Heavenly Cheerleaders
GIVING IT BACK TO GOD
The accident was Sunday. On Monday evening, while Anne was washing dishes in the kitchen, her eight-year-old daughter came running in. "Mom, there's a flood."
Anne rushed upstairs to see two inches of water covering the whole upstairs floor, gushing out from under the bathroom door where Donny had gone to take a bath. All she could think of was the electronic game always sitting, plugged in, on the floor of her sons' bedroom. Yelling to her daughter to stay downstairs, she ran to the bedroom. Water covered the floor except for the corner where the game lay.
Flinging open the door, she saw Donny floating face down in the tub. Her heart stopped.
Next she ran to the bathroom. Flinging open the door, she saw Donny floating face down in the tub. Her heart stopped. She grabbed his body and yanked him out of the tub. Donny burst into laughter. He had been playing dead. He had not noticed the bathtub overflowing.
Anne took a deep breath and surveyed the damage. They were in the process of moving to a smaller apartment; packed suitcases and boxes lay all over the floor of the hallway and bedrooms. Now everything was soaked. She would have to unpack, hang up every item of clothing, every sheet and blanket, and throw away what could not be salvaged.
She returned to the bathroom and motioned Donny to come to her. Donny knew that look on his mother's face, that look of tension, of being so overwhelmed that she lost control. People often parent the way they were parented. Donny put his hand over his face and flinched.
Then something miraculous happened. More miraculous than Nate getting out of the car. More miraculous than the water not reaching the electronic game. Instead of slapping her son, Anne cradled his face in her two hands and said, "I'm really upset about all the work you caused me, and all the ruined stuff. But you're my child, and I love you no matter what you do." And she bent down and kissed his forehead.
All she could think of was: "Thank God my children are alive."
MOMENTOUS ACTIONS
That very same night, Nate was rehearsing for a school play. During the break, one of the teachers gave Nate money to go to the pizza parlor and buy pizza for all the performers.
Nate was chosen to go because he had a spiffy new bike. His aunt had sent him $250 for a super-duper bike, a Bar Mitzvah present that was a year late, because it had taken her a that long to save the money. Nate had purchased the bike, the only truly wonderful object he owned, two weeks before. Because there was no money left over to buy a lock, Nate never left the bike unattended.
That Monday night, Nate took the bike into the pizza parlor with him. A gang of kids, a year younger than Nate, was hanging out in there. Nate knew them. A couple months before he had helped these same kids drag a load of wood up a hill. He had seen them struggling, and because he was bigger, he had helped them.
Nate did something so momentous its effect will be felt for generations.
When Nate turned to order the pizzas, the kids grabbed his bike, took it outside, and slammed it against a wall so hard they demolished the bike. Nate came running outside after them to find his precious bike a mangled carcass.
Nate's first thought was: "How could they do this to me? I helped them!"
His second thought was: "I want to kill them."
His third thought was: "I promised my mother I won't fight or swear anymore."
His fourth thought was: "Violence doesn't help. Even if I cream them, it won't bring my bike back."
Then Nate did something so momentous its effect will be felt for generations: Nate refrained from beating up the boys who had destroyed his bike. In so overcoming his past and his tendency toward violence, Nate picked up a machete made of his aspiration to become a better person and, with one mighty blow, severed a chain of violence which stretched back generations. The Talmud says: "Who is a hero? He who overcomes his own self."
Nate left the pizza parlor dragging the remains of his new bike. If I were a filmmaker, I would shoot the scene in slow motion, like the climax of "Chariots of Fire," when the Olympic runner breaks through the finish line. I would play a score of triumphant music in the background, with lots of trumpets. I would have fireworks going off in the night sky above Nate and his mangled bike.
And that's probably how it looked in the higher worlds. But in this physical world there was simply a tearful boy dragging home the mangled mess that had been his most prized possession.
One thing is certain: Few happenings that took place in the world that Monday night, including the events that grabbed the next morning's headlines, were as significant as Nate's and Anne's victories over violence. They are models of true heroism.
(34) Anonymous, July 16, 2015 8:04 PM
Challenges Happen, We need to Give Thanks When it's Rough
There are miracles all around. It is most important to say thank G-d. I'm learning this. I'm one of those people who was in a car on a day when things went very wrong. And I did go to the hospital for a long time. And I did thank the Lord for not having it worse. Even though I couldn't get out of bed, could barely talk, broke many bones and had other problems. Rarely will I say why did others walk away from the accident when I
was a mess. All I wanted to do for 3 months after the accident was inspire people. And I did. I really wish I would have been able to count my blessings more often before. I tried. Some of us need to try harder. Now I know.
(33) omer grynsztein, July 13, 2015 8:16 PM
Nice Article
nice article
(32) Anonymous, January 19, 2006 12:00 AM
Bravo!
Bravo! to Anne wherever she may be! Sara Yocheved, I love how you ended this article. Nothing can be truer! The amount of strength it takes to overcome past patterns is unreal. Anne is a Hero who is squeezing her lemons and producing delicious lemonade. And she WILL bs"d see the fruits of her labor.
Where did Nate get the strength to overcome his violent knee-jerk reaction? From seeing his mother consiously training herself to do so. From seeing her train herself to accept. Her efforts will IY"H pay her back, and one day may she merit to experience the joy she never did!
(31) Anonymous, January 8, 2006 12:00 AM
Two Comments
Those who called for action against the husband have not automatically missed the point of the story. It is definitely an issue but not always something that is possible even with sufficient finance and legal assistance. However, the revulsion aroused by such cruelty is understandable. Evil does exist, and we are sometimes powerless to confront it; this is one of the facts of life.
With regard to Anne's not wishing to become a charity case, it is perhaps pertinent to discuss with her the implications of the Torah ruling (Yoreh Deah 255:2) that someone who qualifies for assistance and refuses it actually comits a sin. If those kids will be given a better chance in life by her taking, it becomes an obligation to take, however embarrassing. Even on the simplest level, the Torah takes an extremely practical and balanced approach to life.
(30) Anonymous, January 7, 2006 12:00 AM
Re: Justice demands that Nate fight back
What would fighting back at that stage achieve - apart from having the gang beat Nate up? Had he been in a position to stop the destruction of his bike, and not get beaten up himself, that's one thing. But going after a gang of louts who have already done their damage is something completely difference. It is not called Justice, it is called revenge, anf Jewish Law dictates very clearly when and when not this may be applied. It would appear that the cry for this sort of 'justice' comes from 1920'3 Nuremburg. Nate knows who the louts are; he can go at any time to the police.
(29) Isaac, January 4, 2006 12:00 AM
readers missed the point!
I liked this article. I thought it teaches us to embrace change and accept our lot in life, instead of being angry with it.
Somne other posts have some gripes with the article. Why was'nt the community there for thios family? Who said they were'nt? Private schools costs approx. $6,000 a student. 3 kids would cost her 18,000 in just tutition. Who do you think picked up the tab? The talmud states that the best kind of charity is when you hire someone to do your work. This way they feel they are earning their money, instead of charity. So when the community gives her clothing to wash, this is the community that is trying to help her without knowing.
As per miracles, people don't think it's a miracle that the son survived a crash, and three other people died. We have no way of knowing why those people had to die. All we know it was their time and not the time of the son. Was it a miracle? Maybe not, maybe it was g-d telling him it was not his time yet and got him out of the car. Maybe all the hard work that the mother is doing, g-d rewarded her with her son's life. Would she rather have a hard life with a son or an easy life without one? I thinhk she'd choosed her son.
Also, why can't they arrest the husband? Well, usually the police would arrest the husband and he'd get released a few days later more upset and maybe even kill his wife. What's the point? Get a restraining order? Well, then he knows where she lives and could stalk her. You read a lot of abusive marriages on the news where the wife was killed my the husband, even with a restraining order. I think she is right to just disappear. it's safer.
Like I said, we are not g-d nor know what his plans are. But we do know he has his plans and this story just tells us to know he has plans and everything is for the best.
(28) rachel, January 3, 2006 12:00 AM
Very Touching
Reading this article makes me more open and appreciative of the inner struggles of others and myself. The battle and struggle itself is a holy thing, because the fact that it's a struggle means I'm holding at a point where I can become better if I make the right decision.
(27) Anonymous, January 3, 2006 12:00 AM
Missing the Entire Point of the Story!!
To the moron who used the subject "Her husband must be stopped":
YOU MISSED THE ENTIRE POINT OF THE BEAUTIFUL STORY!! Your comments are absolutely imbecilic!!
(26) Jonathan Keefe, January 3, 2006 12:00 AM
I thought I was a good person-lots of work to do
Can we send them money? Can we help her to get a Get? Thanks for the inspiration. I feel like I've been slapped in the face. My own inadequacies are now in very sharp focus.
(25) Anonymous, January 2, 2006 12:00 AM
Her husband must be stopped
Why hasn't her husband been stopped, so she does not have to live in fear and hiding, and can use her degree to get better work? Is she divorced? Is her husband in prison? Could he be capable of hiring someone to cause his wife and children, and those who help them, harm? Why must this woman, her children and the whole community be held hostage to one evil, brutish, mentally ill man? Does anyone know what can be done in such circumstances? Does she have a gun to protect and defend herself and her children?
(24) rachely, January 2, 2006 12:00 AM
heroes
wow this was truely incredible. im baling right now. when i started reading this article i thought to myself,"omiigosh what is this??"but i continued reading and it blew me away.the way anna was able to see the hashgacha pratit in her life, and her and her son were able to stop the patterns of violence in their family is amazing, and extremely heroic.
if u would be able to contact her somehow, please tell her that she's not alone and that klal yisrael has her back. hopefully in her merit we will be zoche to the biat hamachiach speedily in our days - amen.
(23) Daniela, January 2, 2006 12:00 AM
Comment on some comments
Hmm... It seems we need an article on why some and not all are saved in situations like the accident mentioned here. Can we have one please ? :)
As for others helping in the community, I think that's quite unfair to point fingers like that, especially when the vast majority in Orthodox communities are struggling with their own expenses. The point is, everyone of faith understands that Hashem gives every person the trials and tribulations they need as individuals. It's the obligation of others to help as much as they can, but to expect to put the entire responsibility on the shoulders of others is to deny Hashem's wisdom in these matters. We have to respect people in their entirety, bear responsibility and show support all at the same time. It's not always the right answer to entirely pay someone's way, but more than that, it's usually just not possible.
(22) Joe, January 1, 2006 12:00 AM
So in this community, where is the community?
These are inspiring people.
However...
I feel like I just saw one of those nature shows, where the cute baby animal gets eaten by predators. I always wondered why the film crew lets it happen.
You said these truly good folks live in a religious community? Hmmm... it seems clear that they could't make rent. Do you think that the one lady who gave an extra, unused iron is enough of a display of social responsibilty? Where are the other Jews here?
These folks have overcome trendous hardship and I truly believe Hashem will reward them for the intense spiritual growth displayed here. Yet, I am very afraid of the Yetzer Ha Ra in which others will cluck, "Hashem knows best, it all worked out, there is nothing for me to do." So, unless this community is really poor itself, shame on them. Shame on them for not doing more for thier fellow Jews.
(21) Anonymous, January 1, 2006 12:00 AM
Good article but...
I agree with the other writer who was perturbed that this was considered some kind of intervention on G-d's part to let Nate live and three women die.
The claim of miracles always bothers me when it is used to single out one or more person's escape but not others in the same circumstances.
Although my life might not be as impoverished as Nate's family I do have miseries and physical handicaps that can make me empathise with the problems that assail his mother.
(20) Shoshana, November 4, 2002 12:00 AM
Inspiring beyond belief
Wow... this truly is a powerful story. It shows how much Hashem is running the show and how we only see a little piece of the puzzle.
(19) Anonymous, August 27, 2001 12:00 AM
Beautiful Story
I came upon this story at a time when it was very necessary for me to read it.....all things come when the time is right. thank you
(18) Anonymous, August 16, 2001 12:00 AM
Some times G-d let bad things happen to good people, because He knows that will make us stronger and better persons. And in the future they will remember and thank G-d for all the things that they learn.
(17) Kathryn Brawley, August 8, 2001 12:00 AM
God is always with us trying to make us strong. HE was there for Nate and his mother and they accepted HIS help.
(16) Anonymous, August 7, 2001 12:00 AM
EVERYONE NEEDS TO READ THESE THINGS MORE OFTEN AND APPRECIATE THE MIRACLES WHICH SURROUND US EVERY DAY
WONDERFUL INSIGHT
(15) Anonymous, August 5, 2001 12:00 AM
An amazing story, give me a whole book like this any day!
(14) David Weston, August 4, 2001 12:00 AM
Why didn't God save the 3 women from the car crash?
The author seems to suggest that God tailors a special life curriculum for each of us: tighten here with a challenge, let out there for spiritual growth. Thanking God for saving one from a car crash that killed three of his beautiful creatures doesn't show a deep understanding of how God works in His world.
(13) Jeff Leavitt, August 3, 2001 12:00 AM
How can I help them?
Please let everyone know how they can send this family donations, clothing, etc.. Thank you.
(12) Jane Topp, August 2, 2001 12:00 AM
Loved it!!!
God sometimes allows us to live through these things that we might realise the real priorities and be grateful to Him.
(11) Helen Stanbro, August 1, 2001 12:00 AM
May I replace his bike?
What an encouraging story! Too often we are led to believe that we are just products of our environment or our upbringing or our genes. It is good to see that with G_d's help, people can indeed choose to change. I would be honored to have the privilege of replacing the young man's bicycle. May I?
Thank you.
(10) Anonymous, July 31, 2001 12:00 AM
That was such a beautiful article
I want to forward it to everyone I know
We do not understand the behind the scenes of this world. We can just know if we are growing.
thanks for the inspiration...
(9) Anonymous, July 31, 2001 12:00 AM
Thank you so much for providing this inspiration, because I am often angry with the Master of the Universe.
I need all the help and inspiration I can find to overcome my anger and try to understand the experiences of the World.
Thank you!
(8) Sara Rigler, July 31, 2001 12:00 AM
Author's response to Dr. Leora Rosen's comment
Your assumption that the Jewish community is doing nothing to help Anne and her family is simply wrong. I first made Anne's acquaintance through someone who was sending her money for her kids' psychotherapy. This person helps her consistently, and they receive alot of other help from the Jewish community. Whenever I have become aware of a specific need of this family, all I have to do is stand up at the end of one of the Torah classes I attend in Jerusalem and announce to the women attending (none of whom have very much money) what the need is, and I get: money to pay the electric bill, 2 irons, a new computer monitor when Anne's broke (she was trying to make money doing editing), and other help I cannot describe for fear of giving away too much. Anne does not want to be "a charity case," and thus has not turned to the Jewish community for more.
(7) leora rosen, July 31, 2001 12:00 AM
what are we doing for battered women
If all we have learned from this story is how people can overcome difficulties, then we have not learned enough. Doesn't it strike anyone as disgraceful that a battered woman should be living in hiding like a refugee, and not be receiving help and support from the Jewish community? Before we feel too warm and fuzzy about the wonderful accomplishments of Anne and Nate, we should be feeling terrible about ourselves for not doing more to help battered women. This was a missed opportunity to raise awareness about the plight of abuse victims in our society.
Leora N. Rosen, Ph.D.
Co-author of: "The Hostage Child: Sex Abuse Allegations in Custody Disputes"
Indiana University Press, 1996
(6) , July 30, 2001 12:00 AM
very touching piece
thank you so much for this touching story. Made me remember to thank Hashem .
(5) Anonymous, July 30, 2001 12:00 AM
WOW
This story is truly unbelievable! I don't think I have the words to describe how I'm feeling at this moment. All I can say is that this story makes one want to rethink one's life.
(4) Denny Smith, July 30, 2001 12:00 AM
God is the greatest overcomer of all.
It's a great story. Let's hope that the learned lessons stick.
(3) y fried, July 30, 2001 12:00 AM
"Good things come to those who wait"
This story is so remarkable and so inspiring, it really reminds me about a book I once read entitled "Small Miracles". This book has in it a collection of many such stories that happened to people all over the world. The truth is that Miracles DO happen every single day of our lives. We just have to open our eyes a little more to see them. Also, as my Rabbi once said: "Don't give up hope" because we never know when HaShem sends a salvation to us. May this be a lesson to us all that Our Creator Never had or will abandon us totally.
(2) Anonymous, July 30, 2001 12:00 AM
Inspiring
The story was truly amazing and inspiring! I would appreciate it if the author could contact me at my email address (a.kess@inetmail.att.net). I would like to help chip in to buy Nate a new bike.
(1) Anonymous, July 30, 2001 12:00 AM
Justice demands that Nate fight back
I do not consider a display of weakness to be a personal triumph. Children must learn the difference between justified violence (i.e. violence in response to evil) and unjustified random violence. In this instance, Nate chose the path of appeasement -- much as Israel has done with respect to the Palestinians. Aish's articles have demonstrated time and again the consequences of appeasing evil. Had Nate been reading them, he would have acted differently.