A note to readers: This article deals with a sensitive – and important – topic. Reader discretion is advised.
Rabbi Elazar Ha-Kapar says, “Jealousy, desire and honor drive a person from the world” (4:21, Ethics of the Fathers).
The second one, (the original Hebrew word is taivah) can be also be translated as lust. The sexual drive has been described as the single most difficult struggle a person can wrestle with. So naturally as a young, adult, single male such a struggle is on my mind frequently. Growing up non-religious, the struggle was never about holding back such urges. And I never had any qualms or shame about relieving my urges through self-satisfaction. I considered any notions to restrain or resist as puritanical.
But when I read the famous pickup artist book, The Game by Neil Strauss (certainly not religious book by any means), I came across the following:
If you regularly masturbate, you can easily become addicted. This addiction comes in the form of daily regularity that curbs your desire to go out. It also does not allow you to harness your sex drive, which can be used to motivate yourself to work on wealth-building projects.
This was the first time I had heard any secular reason to not masturbate. I filed that notion away and continued on with my life. However, when I started to become religious I gave this concept another thought. I didn’t drink the kool-aid yet, but when I went to Israel on a group trip, I decided to refrain the whole time. During the trip I noticed a healthier connection with women and an added sense of confidence. Resisting this drive, even if only for two weeks, seemed to imbue me with something.
As I became more religious my connection with God grew stronger. But I usually maxed out after a two-week period.
When I returned home, that energy continued. Until I gave in. Instantly the clarity and confidence I had achieved from my trip dissipated. Something had changed. I decided that maybe I should try to give Neil Strauss’s advice a try. Over the next year or so I started curtailing my habit and noticed added focus and drive at work. As I became more religious my connection with God grew stronger. But I usually maxed out after a two-week period. And when I did indulge, it all seemed to go away.
For a time, I resisted looking into what Judaism actually said about masturbation. I was sure it wouldn’t be pleasant and I wasn’t looking forward to any condemnation. But finally, I bit the bullet and looked into the Talmud. What I found was… exactly what I expected. However, I decided to press forward rather than shy away and confronted a Rabbi about how the Talmud could so strongly condemn an act that everyone struggles with.
He pointed me to Kabbalistic teachings, notably about the nature of Yesod, one of the ten sefirot. As with most Hebrew terms, they don’t have perfect English translations. Yesod is the quality of selflessness. But it is also about foundation, which is what the Hebrew word literally means. How are selflessness and foundation connected? Selflessness is the foundation of every relationship. What else is Yesod connected to? The sexual drive. Because the truest expression of that drive is a sexual relationship done for the sake of connection between husband and wife. What is masturbation? The exact opposite of that. It takes the holiness and beauty of intimacy and turns it on its head.
I didn’t love that answer but at the same time, I was seeing real and demonstrative benefits of holding back. So I decided to take the struggle a little more seriously. During Elul, the month before Rosh Hashanah, I decided to go the whole month, the longest I had ever gone. At the peak of the High Holidays, it was like I was on fire. They say that Rosh Hashanah is about seeing the best possible version of yourself and I was there.
But it’s no easy feat to resist indefinitely. Once you beat the yetzer hara, the part of you that pushes more animalistic drives, it comes back stronger. This created in me a binary mindset. Mindset A: being committed to growth and abstaining, and Mindset B: indulging and facing the reality that I can’t will my feelings away. Over the next months, I tried to get back to what I had on Rosh Hashanah, but never came close.
When Passover arrived, the time of our freedom, I was determined to tap into the holiday’s energy. I wrote down the desires I wanted to be free from and threw it into the fire during the burning of chometz. When I took my first bite of matzah, I imagined the freedom of living in “mindset A”. Did I think I was going to be free of my urges forever? Of course not. But at that point I had a goal to go the entire seven weeks between Passover and Shavuot masturbation-free. I would use the counting of the Omer to raise myself up spiritually like the Jews in the desert. Then at Shavout, I would have an amazing feeling of accomplishment in knowing that I ruled over my desires, my desires didn’t rule over me. And I would tie that to the receiving of the Torah. Who knows where I’d go from there?
Without going into too much detail of the struggle, I’ll just say I managed to go five weeks. Longer than I’ve ever managed to go in my life, but still two weeks shy of my goal. I can look at this as a failure or as an accomplishment. I’m realizing that I’m never going to be a complete master of my sexual desires. I’m not supposed to be. I’m supposed to get married. And believe me, I’m trying, but as long as that’s not happening, I’m in a tricky place.
I’m climbing the ladder and will sometimes fall, but at least I’m on the ladder and shooting for the heights.
There are rabbis and speakers who will say that the Torah has the ability to change your nature. And to some degree I’m sure that is true. But it is a life time of work and I don’t believe you can ever fully uproot a desire. It’s being in the spiritual fight that’s meaningful. I’m climbing the ladder and will sometimes fall, but at least I’m on the ladder and shooting for the heights.
There’s no escaping that fact that when I am in “mindset B”, my connection to God is weaker. I don’t want to pray and when I do, I’m more likely to speed through my prayers. I’m less likely to be authentic in asking for what I want. Why bother? I don’t deserve it!
But then I remembered a teaching someone told me a while back. The first line of the first paragraph of the Shema reads, “And you shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your might.” There’s an unusual thing about the Hebrew word “all your heart” – it’s spelled with a second beit. The word leiv, heart, normally has just one. The Talmud says that because of the second beit, the word should be translated not as heart, but as hearts. Judaism recognizes that we have two aspects to our character, the yetzer hatov our good inclination, and the yetzer hara, our wicked inclination, and that both of these drives should be devoted to loving God.
I had known this teaching for years and it never really resonated with me. But shortly after falling off my abstinence wagon, I went to pray. As I was getting ready, feeling like it was more of an obligation than something I could connect with, I remembered the two hearts. And then even though I was more identifying with mindset B, I was able to connect, both hearts, unified in prayer.
It was an interesting experience and a very different quality of prayer. It felt like the whole of me was invested. There wasn’t this resentful side of me dragging its feet resisting the process. Even though I wasn’t able to pray with the full intention that I normally do, I was fully at the table.
Yes, it’s a struggle. A struggle that I never expected I’d be okay with taking on. Yet somehow, I am.
So at this point, I have my base of two weeks. I can get to that pretty easily. From there, it’s about knowing I’m capable of more because I’ve done it before. Yes, it’s a struggle. A struggle that I never expected I’d be okay with taking on. Yet somehow, I am. So even though the Talmud gives virtually no leeway in even the occasional indulgence, there is the recognition that no one is perfect. The Torah wasn’t given to angels. But the decision to take on the struggle is something meaningful. And the fact that I’ve grown as much as I have is something to be proud of.
(36) Anonymous, January 4, 2021 2:57 AM
Thank you
This article is really well written and very relatable for me as I’m sure it is for many others. The line “it’s being in the spiritual fight that is meaningful” was so beautiful to me that it nearly brought tears to my eyes. For some reason my relationship with Judaism has always been more end-goal based than about the “fight” - more about the destination than the journey. But I now see that the struggle is at the epicentre of building a relationship with God. A person’s desire to connect with the creator-or any other for that matter-is not captured in them being exactly what another wants, but in them meaningfully putting in the effort to be the best representation of that that they can be. Thank you, this really helps.
(35) Ryan Mangual, September 18, 2020 4:54 PM
Masturbation
Thank you for this article . To be honest , I don't think masturbation isn't as bad of a deal in comparison to other things . I do think sometimes we do have to satisfy that animalistic self . However , one can't make it an addiction.
Baruch atah
(34) Anonymous, April 13, 2020 11:17 PM
Excellent article
What did acknowledged Poskim suggest to you as a means of Teshuva .for past actions. I believe Teshuva is always available at anytime but there must be a process. The Rambam outlines the basic steps to Teshuva but what SPECFICALLY did Poskim outline for you regarding this issue? Thank you
(33) Anonymous, June 16, 2019 4:04 AM
Wow
You pretty much explained EXACTLY what I'm going though right now. You're spiritual experiences and mindsets, EVERYTHING. It's like an internal war.
(32) Anonymous, May 29, 2018 8:29 PM
Wrong quote reference
Dear Rabbi,
The quote "Rabbi Elazar Ha-Kapar says, “Jealousy, desire and honor drive a person from the world” is from 4:28, not 4:21 Pirkey avot
(31) LarryB, January 5, 2018 6:56 AM
Now being taught in American schools
Google it. The addiction part is of your problem is the result of your attitude toward this activity. Most people learn these things from others and without a strong foundation this and many other habits/addictions can result. Welcome to the fight we,re all in, learning everyone has weaknesses, faults, blindness if you will, to seemingly simple things that really do matter. Share this new understanding in your dealings with others. It will help you in dealing with yourself and make you stronger. The end result can be change, once you realize that understanding and strength are not enough. Now you have to surrender and stop. The opposite of Hashem teaching can be disastrous.
(30) Anonymous, November 14, 2017 6:16 AM
Great Article!
This is wonderfully written and the Kabbalistic teaching is a nice tough. I freatly empathize with the article in that I am too a Bal Teshuva and spent many many years engaging in masturbation, thinking it was harmless both physically and even more so mentally beneficial. After becoming more religious and studying the sanctity of sex and relationships I know can see the harm that is caused through masturbation. Just like you 4, weeks was my longest. Then I went to Yeshiva for 8 weeks. And I’m proud to say that not once did I give in. The week I got home, being on my own just made it to tough to resist and now I can go a couple of weeks or so, but still give in rarely while trying to not feel too much guilt. I hope one day I can give up masturbation 100%. And I’m sure we can all agree that would be much easier with having a wife. But until then it’s all about retaining both our hearts (לבב) at their purest forms so we can feel most inspired and closest to Hashem. May Hashem bless you with a beautiful wife and family and keep you with a pure and sanctified heart.
(29) Anonymous, October 1, 2017 3:09 AM
Thank you
I just want to thank you for sharing what was a very private situation. I am in a similar place, though wouldn't see myself as Orthodox. I now trying to read your article before I consider indulging again, and it sometimes inspires me to continue abstaining. Thank you, שנה טובה.
(28) sm, August 7, 2017 1:38 PM
Keep up the good work
That was a very brave and amazing article. I am sure that was not easy to write but I am glad you did. The trials we have on this subject today are very difficult and It is everywhere. Like others said: day by day keep working on it. It is a lifetime struggle and if you can manage to say at the end of your life (120) that you concurred this, Your life would have been worth it. The following helps me with any bad habit or Avaira. I tell my self ill do it in one hour or latter or tomorrow. I keep pushing it off and most times I forget about it. try it out, tell yourself that you'll do it one hr or latter (but obviously don't do it) Just remember you are not alone with this struggle and do not give up working on this no matter how many times you slip up.
(27) Shlomo, June 29, 2017 10:54 PM
Reglaim on this topic
For what Torah has to say on this topic, read Leviticus, Chapter 15. It is most informative and absolutely the definitive word on the subject.
(26) Anonymous, June 29, 2017 5:15 PM
There is help
Have you heard about Sexaholics Anonymous? Look them up in your area.
(25) Anonymous, June 28, 2017 10:01 PM
What about those indulging while married
One thing no one's talking about here is what about those who are instill indulging WHILE married?! And what about during the two weeks that the wife is forbidden to the husband??
Anonymous, July 6, 2017 1:53 PM
It's unfortunate
That's a very serious problem. I know a few people who are like that, and their marriages are awful. I would not wish that on my worst enemy.
Anonymous, June 2, 2020 11:29 AM
Maybe the problem is that you know this about them. TMI.
Anonymous, October 23, 2019 11:10 AM
What if wife refuses to have marital relations just to aggravate you?
What if wife refuses to have marital relations just to aggravate you? You may answer: Divorce her and re-marry! What if one has four children with this woman? Wouldn't one think twice before divorcing her? Take her to therapy! I tried, she refused.
(24) Annonymous2, June 28, 2017 3:09 PM
Baby Steps
Very interesting and impressive article.
You're in the process of building your spiritual muscles. Lift too much and they'll tear. Don't lift enough and they will also start to debilitate. You said 2 weeks is where you can reach. Perhaps, instead of going for a 4 or 7 week spurt, try going for 16 days? Small and steady wins the race and as your spiritual muscles grow so will your ability to combat your urges.
I have also found that speaking to your Yeitzer in times when your urges are peaking is incredibly helpful in having it dissipate. Literally - words out of your mouth, even if they're only audible to your own ears. Speech is a tool that is distinctly human and harnessing it will help you in your battle.
I wish you much success, hatzlacha and continued growth.
I also look forward to reading an update if and when you're ready.
(23) Anonymous, June 28, 2017 4:10 AM
NF Companion
NF Companion is a free app for android. It keeps count of your "clean" days and awards you badges for certain time periods. It also has daily quotes of inspiration to help motivate you. It even has a journal feature. It's a great app and helps a lot with this struggle.
(22) Anonymous, June 28, 2017 4:05 AM
Impossible to overcome without a spouse
I have personally dealt with this issue for more then 10 years and I speak with experience when I tell you that it is impossible to overcome this addiction unless you have a spouse to share physical intimacy. Although Torah learning is the antidote for the Yetzer Hara - at the same time you learn torah your Yetzer becomes stronger - so it's a double edge sword - growing in Torah = a growing Yetzer and stronger desires for physical release. Without a spouse - it's impossible to refrain. Short time - yes, even up to a year at most. But without a spouse eventually you will fail. It's inevitable. The Yetzer is just that strong. King David, to my knowledge is the only person the Torah records as having "slew" his Yetzer Hara - however, he ultimately succumbed to his passion with Bat Sheva when he asked Hashem for a greater challenge. The only answer is to get married and engage in marital relations. There is no other solution - will power, torah learning, etc... will not do it. Hashem should remove this nisayon from you immediately and lead you to your true besheret so that you can get married and have a loving intimate relationship with your spouse and build a Jewish family.
Moshe, June 28, 2017 1:41 PM
Disagree
Mr Anonymous, to say that it's impossible to succeed at this without getting married raised my interest. It's something that I definitely disagree with. You might be able to say that about yourself - and that might not either be true, but to say that it's impossible for others? Last I checked that's not your decision to make.
Moshe, June 28, 2017 5:33 PM
Marriage is the Torah way
Moshe - as this is a Torah based website I was trying to stay within the confines of that perspective. You are correct in that you don't actually have to get married to have relations if you are not using the Torah as a guide, the essential point was the only way to overcome this issue is with physical intimacy. As you allude - this is possible outside of marriage too. Although if we wish to keep within the Torah perspective such an intimate physical relationship is only permissible within marriage.
(21) Anonymous, June 27, 2017 6:58 PM
resource for success
https://guardyoureyes.com is an incredible resource for anyone struggling with this (and who isnt?) They have practical tools, support forums, etc etc.
G-d wants to know we are trying. Guard Your Eyes is a wonderful way to show Him you mean it.
(20) anon, June 27, 2017 6:38 PM
Tikun HaKlalli/Mikvah
Very important to say 10 Psalms of Rebbe Nachman's Tikun HaKlali (Complete Rectification) 16,32,41,42,59,77,90,105,137,150, It is also very helpful to go to a mikvah whenever seed is spilled.
(19) anon, June 27, 2017 6:35 PM
12 Steps
Please see 'Secret of the Brit" by Tzvi Fishman. The activity you describe has severe spiritual (and consequently physical and emotional) implications. Some people go to 12 step programs for this. It is not about "beating" or "defeating", but it is about surrendering the urge to G-d, over and over. This is the first 2-3 steps of the 12 steps.
(18) Mike, June 27, 2017 6:09 PM
another reason why people should marry
strange indeed that 'modern', 'enlightened' culture of today seems to say the opposite: be unwilling to marry/"settle down" and do do this thing....
what a shame that we (I think I can speak for many people) were brought up that way
(17) Ben Aliyah, June 27, 2017 4:18 PM
I can strongly relate to your struggle
I can strongly relate to your struggle
Many years ago, I had the same struggle. As I became more religious, I decided to stop completely, too. I had grossly underestimated how strong a fight it would take! It was like my body was still manufacturing a backlog of pleasure chemicals daily as before, only they had no outlet. The hardest struggle was involuntarily when asleep. Thanks to G-d, after a couple of years I met my wife and married. In frank discussions, we found our lives had parallelled before marriage, both of us stopping at great effort, and now reaping the rewards.
And yes, it was much easier after marriage. Though it may seem like 2 weeks apart for the monthly cycle is hard, and two months after birth (as a commenter mentioned), it was easier for two reasons: The Sages say, one who has bread in his basket has an easier time abstaining, and 2) it is a shared challenge to travel through her cycle together that builds emotional connection. (A side advantage, is the two week abstention makes men much more potent to conceive children - google it!). Soon you can't think of missing out on the greater pleasure of satisfying your spouse. It helps tremendously when spouses understand and provide for each others needs, and pre-empt the allures of society.
We both feel G-d showered us with immense blessing because of our struggles. Now decades later, we have married kids and grandchildren. It saddens us to see so many young people not knowing of, and holding out for, the deeper connection and pleasure only a soulmate can bring.
G-d is thrilled with your struggles, as Rabbi Dessler says (in his essay on Beshalach). G-d said to Moshe "the place on which you stand is holy ground." (Shemos 3:5) Meaning the point where your lowest struggle is, is holy: “A person who discovers his lowest point can draw from this challenge the spiritual impetus which he needs for growth.” May you have much success from your struggles.
(16) Mark, June 27, 2017 2:31 PM
Great topic
Thank you for shedding light on a subject that is rarely discussed. To take away the taboo may help us all, G-d willing.
(15) Barajas, June 27, 2017 3:10 AM
Rabbi Abulafia says to meditate on the Divine Names to take us to the level of Yesod. Meditate this code while in the conjugal act and when in tempation of onanism: yud, alef, alef, hei, dalet, hei, vav, nun, yud, hei, yud, hei this is code will take you to keter.
(14) Regina, June 26, 2017 10:32 PM
VERY BRAVE
The writer deserves a LOT of credit for writing about such a sensitive, personal topic with such candor - and AISH deserves a LOT of credit for posting it. It's not enough to just teach that it's forbidden - such a sensitive account of your personal experience/struggle/triumph goes a long way to illuminate this matter in a way that another person can identify with and understand.
(13) Anonymous, June 26, 2017 5:13 PM
Whoa!
What a brave and important article - thank you! We ALL have something that we are working on. Thank you for sharing yours.
(12) Anonymous, June 26, 2017 1:21 PM
There is a place in Kabbala that says that the reason people take seven steps when interning a person is for all the children that were never born due to this act. I don't know if this is the case, I am not an expert in this area, and do not judge others. Obviously, the urge is very great, otherwise it would not be an issue. I am also not not an expert in advising others how to restrain. If g-d commanded against , than whatever it is, it can be curtailed. G-d would not expect us to do or not do what is humanly impossible.
(11) Jonas, June 26, 2017 10:22 AM
Evil inclination?
I've never heard of loving god with both your yetzer tov an yetzer hara or how exactly this would work. How can you love a God who is all good using your evil inclination?
Yehoshua Friedman, July 10, 2017 8:08 PM
Strength comes from struggle
When you struggle against your evil inclination, it makes you spiritually stronger, just as the tension in your muscles when you exercise makes you physically stronger. Because you work against the bad part of yourself you have taken that part of you and made it useful in serving G-d. Not that I was ever so tremendously holy. Just saying.
(10) Yves-Marie Monfort, June 26, 2017 9:59 AM
Best writing on the subject
When most alas are satisfied just saying "it is bad" - we always said it ( my church ... ) or " it is good" because it is stress relieving or the most lazy "nearly every man does it ". Kudos ! Once again a light was shed by a Jew.
(9) Anonymous, June 25, 2017 10:01 PM
There is a website guardyoureyes.com that has lots of resources which might be able to help you stay in mindset A.
(8) Anonymous, June 25, 2017 9:46 PM
Very good article
Your article is very thoughtful, and inspiring.
I just have one thought I would add to yours - when you say "I’m realizing that I’m never going to be a complete master of my sexual desires. I’m not supposed to be. I’m supposed to get married."
I don't think being a master of sexual desires is opposed to being married. In fact, being master of your sexual behavior (a more accurate word perhaps than desire, since the desire is something that we don't always choose, but we do choose what we do with any given desire) is exactly what will enable you to have a happy and holy marriage.
That's not to say you will be desire-free. But that by being master of how you respond to your natural desires, you enable yourself to give most freely and most fully to your wife after you marry. Even after marriage, intimacy should be intentional giving of oneself to one's spouse, rather than just giving in to desires. That is the difference between truly loving your spouse as opposed to using them as an outlet for desires.
Just something to think about.
(7) Anonymous, June 25, 2017 8:06 PM
guardyoureyes.com
Guardyoureyes.com is a frum Jewish site for people struggling with masturbation and watching pornography. There are forums to discuss these issues with other struggling Jews. Many have overcome their struggle and share their ideas of how they accomplished that. It's good to let people know about this site. I believe that it is monitored to some extent. It also has an over the phone 12 step program, so you avoid the shame and the time of going to the 12 step program. I can only tell you that the less you allow yourself exposure to the media, the easier it will be. Of course studying Torah and mussar works has a spiritual mystical effect that is VERY powerful. With logic alone it doesn't make sense but it is a fact that has been proven over and over again. Keep trying- there are a huge amount of people that CONSTANTLY win this battle and there's no reason you can't be one of them. Hatzlacha Rabba!!!!!
(6) Anonymous, June 25, 2017 6:48 PM
Don't think the struggle ends with marrage
As a BT, I can fully relate to this story.
However, I should point out (and I don't think it is just me) that even after one gets married, the struggle continues.
Besides the two-week gaps of niddah and two-month gaps after childbirth, the fact that it is extremely hard to get rid of an addiction, even when one has an alternative to the addiction, keeps the struggle alive and well.
Even after 12 years of marriage, failure can occur now and then.
I think the key is what the article says - that it is an issue that requires long-term growth making sure that the occasional failures along the way do not lead to despair and depression.
Anonymous, June 27, 2017 4:16 AM
need to learn to departmentalize your mind
I have found that at times when I was struggling with the Yezer Horaz, I taught myself to not let it effect the rest of my Avodas Hashem. Yes I am struggling with this or that taiveh, but nevertheless, I know that Hashem still loves me and therefore I need to continue to do all the mitzvos I can, andat the same time I need to work on controlling my taivos. Hatzlacha.
Anonymous, June 27, 2017 12:28 PM
Throwing in the Towel
Writing that "even after 12 years of marriage, failure can occur now and then," is not much encouragement for one facing such challenges. The impulse might arise now and then, but being a Jew means not acting out on one's desires other than with one's wife. Self-control is the leitmotif of Judasim.
(5) Dina yaffa, June 25, 2017 6:36 PM
a very thought provoking and brutally honest article.
The writer of this article deserves a lot of credit for speaking about a very important topic that is usually not discussed. There are a lot of people that would benefit from reading this.
(4) Anonymous, June 25, 2017 4:54 PM
Thank you
Esteemed friend-thank you for your courageous and remarkable post...I felt as if you had read my own heart and shared my own thoughts with absolute felicity. I was particularly struck by your description of how abstinence intensified kavanah and closeness to Hashem and the contrast with those occasions where breaking one's resolve created a gulf, generated shame and sorrow, and diminished the desire to daven and to observe the Commandments...may Hashem bless you for your eloquence, honesty and courage...I no longer feel alone
(3) Anonymous, June 25, 2017 4:29 PM
Thank you for sharing! It's a important topic that most people skim over so those struggling feel like they are alone. Kol Hakavod to you!
(2) Anonymous, June 25, 2017 1:48 PM
כל הכבוד. חזק ואמץ!
(1) Tzvi, June 25, 2017 1:02 PM
Brave Writer
This is a very sensitive subject. It's kind of issue that needs to be dealt with discreetly, but not ignored. Check out the Tikkun HaKlali order of Tehillim as recommended by Rabbi Nachman of Breslov. This order of Tehillim is very calming helps to clean out the mind of distractions of all kinds.