I’ve been addicted to food my entire life. Ever since I was a little girl, I remember eating huge portions at my meals and never truly feeling full until I was sick. I loved French fries, pizza, sugary cereal, potato chips, donuts, and just about any type of bread there was.
When I started converting to Judaism in my early 20s, I took my eating to a whole new level. At the Shabbat table, I would eat slice after slice after slice of challah, dive head first into the entrée, and not come up for air until after dessert.
The holidays were worse. When Rosh Hashanah or Passover had ended, I was bloated and feeling more down about myself than usual. Through my conversion, I had gained a deeper closeness to God, a meaningful way of life, and a beautiful community. But I had also gained 30 pounds over the course of a few years.
Fortunately and unfortunately, there is a lot of food in Jewish culture. It’s wonderful that we have so much availability today in kosher foods. I love that a meal can bring people together in a home or a synagogue, fostering bonding amongst Jews. And I’m grateful that I can afford to buy food.
But for addicts like me, being surrounded by food all the time is tough. Though I enjoy kugel, cholent, challah, latkes with sour cream, honey, gefilte fish, kishka, schnitzel and other traditional foods, they’re loaded with unhealthy ingredients.
In college, I felt isolated from the other students, so I’d order a pizza and eat it in my room while watching TV. My mom couldn’t make it to my wedding, so I ate French fries – a food that reminds me of her – nearly every day for the two weeks leading up to it. I used to head out to the corner deli and get a sandwich at 2 a.m. because my husband was asleep and I was lonely.
I know that it’s a mitzvah to eat at certain times, especially when it’s Shabbat or another celebration. But it’s also a mitzvah to take care of the body that God gave me. I’m not supposed to drink to excess, smoke cigarettes, or do drugs. And when it comes to eating, I need to emphasize the same values.
Living in an unhealthy manner impinges on our ability to invest in our spiritual growth with all we’ve got.
Maimonides said, “Keeping the body healthy and whole is part of the ways of God, as it is impossible to understand the will of God if one is sick. Therefore, one has to be careful to distance himself from things which ruin the body. He should only eat when he is hungry, only drink when he is thirsty, and not wait when he has to use the facilities.”
Our ultimate goal is to work on ourselves and get closer to God. Choosing to live in an unhealthy manner impinges on our ability to invest in our spiritual growth with all we’ve got.
In my own experience, when I eat a large container of popcorn at the movies or four slices of pizza in a row, I’m in a spiritually low place. I’m in my “who cares” mode as I call it. “Who cares, I’m going to die one day, might as well enjoy the good food while I still have it. Who cares if I’m overweight? Nobody cares but me. Who cares, this is how I cope with how hard life can be.” In these moments, instead of turning to God for strength, I turn to food for a false sense of relief. I get sad, and I eat.
When I’m not in that state of mind, I can think a lot more clearly. I’m able to see how these foods could cut my life short, or how being overweight is both physically and mentally draining. I recognize how food is just a way to physically satisfy myself, and that’s it. God gave me food to live, and I shouldn’t be abusing that blessing.
This year, I’ve grown exponentially in my observance, and at the same time realized that I have a problem with food through talking with my therapist and husband. I eat for comfort and to fill some sort of hole that’s missing from my life. In situations where I’m feeling low, my first coping response has been to turn to food.
As I began to learn more and deepen my relationship with God, I felt calmer. When I was upset, connecting to the idea that whatever was happening was all for the good helped me get through it. I’ve realized that when I feel more spiritually fulfilled, I am at peace, and don’t have to rely on food to feel better.
Lately, I’ve been working out regularly, seeing a nutritionist, incorporating more fruits and vegetables into my diet, and keeping Shabbat meals healthier at my own home. I can’t control what other people serve, but I can do my best to change how I cook.
I’m in the beginning stages of recovery and I have a long way to go. Food is not a drug I can just give up, and the community will always serve the same delicious and unhealthy food on Shabbat and the holidays. I hope by Hanukkah I’ll be at the point where I can have just one potato latke (not ten!) and connect with the more spiritual aspects of the holiday.
In the end no matter how much I eat, I never feel full. So instead of fixating on the physical, I’ve learned to focus on my soul.
(13) Chaya, August 19, 2018 2:33 AM
Address the cravings
While I related to the idea that overeating often has roots in emotional dissatisfaction, there is a physical component as well. There is a wonderful book called “To Your Health,” which is available in Jewish bookstores. It is an in-depth guide to following Maimonides’ health directives. Through implementation of any of his recommendations, you will see a noticeable decrease in your cravings for unhealthy foods. Torah wisdom is not a fad diet- it is real, proven and timeless. Kudos to you for coming this far and May you see success on the rest of your journey!
(12) l schwartz, June 20, 2018 11:06 PM
Meaning is no substitute for dealing with underlying issues
Plenty of people with "meaning" and religion in their lives attend OA and AA. Without dealing with past trauma these problems don't go away.
(11) martin, October 26, 2017 10:00 PM
good for you
good for you for your insight and honesty. I can fully identify with your issues with food
(10) Ronnie, November 17, 2016 6:07 PM
I certainly can relate to this story! 34 years ago I joined Overeaters Anonymous and put me on a spiritual path which changed my life! As a result I became a bal tshuva in 2001 and my life is so much better today! When the food calls my name i now can turn to G-d and ask for his assistance and we do together what I cannot do alone! Being Shomer Shabat the amount of food that occurs in my life has been a real test of my faith, B'H it can be done!
Thank you for sharing!
(9) Ruth Palatnik, November 15, 2016 12:08 PM
a fellow traveler
I used to weigh 150 kilos (330 lbs); today about half that.
Addiction to food is a constant battle, except, unlike other addictions, you can't just give it up. But it needs to be treated like any other addiction.
This means analysing WHAT situations/emotions/ trigger and/or contribute to YOUR overeating. [Tension/lack of sleep/ perfectionism/ boredom/ anger/ etc] Then you need to set up a plan to meet those needs without excess food.
Once you have that, along with a decent eating/exercise plan, you have a chance!
https://www.facebook.com/Tivcharu-712956828861538/
(8) Nathaniel Warshay, November 14, 2016 2:07 PM
Over-feeding and over-eating on Shabbat and Chagim
While my family many times has just a thick chicken soup for Shabbat/Yom Tov dinner, I'm amazed how many friends will serve multiple robust courses at the meals, including challah, dips, salads (if lucky), fish, soup (for dinner), cholent (lunch), chicken, "meat" (i.e. beef), potatoes, kugle, and other starches. Followed by desert, sugary drinks, etc.
While the Gemara says we're to eat three meals on Shabbat, I don't think the commentators ever took that to mean "overeat at three meals."
Also, we're not in the impoverished shtetl, where we didn't' usually eat but one meal a day during the week if lucky.
So, why is this a thing in the observant community? I truly am curious.
Nancy, November 15, 2016 12:37 PM
To commenter #8 Nathaniel Warshay
I'm guessing that people have grown up eating these large meals on Shabbat and are simply continuing the tradition. When I am home, I actually enjoy eating nothing more than soup, a challah roll and lots of veggies for lunch. We always have chicken, rice and veggies on Friday night. We actually do NOT eat soup, because I would become too full and would have stomach pain.
Nathaniel Warshay, July 21, 2017 3:00 AM
to nancy
Hi. I just saw this. No, I didn't grow up observant, but simply have observed the behavior at others' Shabbat tables. Like you, we many times have just soup for dinner, and simple lunches, not salads, fish, chicken, beef and cholent. Plus desert.
(7) YehudahLeib, November 14, 2016 8:31 AM
Kylie - make aliyah NOW and your food troubles will disappear
Kylie - make aliyah NOW and your food troubles will disappear. You will have more vital things to consider. Come Home now while you still can.
(6) Danny Frankel, November 13, 2016 10:03 PM
Food is to be enoyed!
I sympathize with your struggle but disagree on 1 point. You say that 'God gave us food to live' as if we were automobiles that require refueling & nothing else. But I think that God created an incredible variety of (kosher) food & the tastebuds to enjoy them for our pleasure as well as for sustenance. The key is to enjoy them in moderation!
(5) Adrienne, November 13, 2016 9:11 PM
Oh don't I know!
I am right there with you. I started gaining weight at 10 yrs old, my mother started taking me to Weight Watchers at 12, I was raised in a home of emotional overeaters, my mom was obsessive about dieting (and finding to perfect diet cheesecake recipe) over my lifetime I kept gaining to 200 lbs. Then married to a man with mental issues. 16 years of emotional abuse lead to a fear of abandonment and a weight gain of an aditional 100 pounds during my pregnancy. At 365lbs I was still lonely, fearful and empty. I divorced and remarried to a great guy, but have only managed 100 pound loss so far, and seem stuck at 275. I lost one leg, have bad foot that I wear a big orthotic boot for and most of the feeling in both hands (I'm an artist) to Diabetes. I try everyday to eat right, but notice that most little upsets in life send me to the kitchen to whip up whatever I crave (yes, I am a wonderful cook) You are correct, that hole can only be filled by Hashem, He wants us to reach out to Hime instead of that donut! Thanks for sharing your journey, I'm going to remember this.
(4) Sarah, November 13, 2016 7:18 PM
I appreciate your insight and your openness. Food has been called the best of the worst addictions, but in reality all addictions stem from the same place. I too, am a food addict and have found a 12 step fellowship called GreySheet that has a food plan and a "no matter what" principle and other spiritual principles that help fill the God-sized hole inside of me with God instead of food. Good luck to you!
From a sister on the journey
(3) jim, November 13, 2016 7:14 PM
spot on is right!
cut down, way down, and don't look back!
(2) Anonymous, November 13, 2016 3:25 PM
thank you
I am in the same boat. You inspire me. It sounds like you are doing everything right. Best wishes. Keep the faith! I am going to try to do the same. Because I cannot button my buttons!
(1) LRG, November 13, 2016 1:50 PM
As if you read my mind
Much success in your journey!
While reading your article I could relate to every single part. Hope that I too can fix my replacing food for whatever is missing.