It runs in my family. But depression is a sneaky disease and it did its insidious work without anyone putting a name to it. As I was growing up, no one said that my father was depressed — instead, he was ‘moody.’ My grandmother, who couldn’t pull herself together long enough to make dinner, was described as ‘eccentric.'
But clinically depressed? Not in my family, thank you very much.
By the time I reached adulthood, I was forcing my way through most days in a blur of emotional pain. Negative thoughts constantly pounded me: I was worthless — lazy and stupid — with no redeeming qualities. I didn’t expect anyone to like me -- I didn’t even like myself. I never seriously considered suicide, but if I’d had a huge cosmic eraser, I would have used it on myself.
Following family protocol, I didn’t call it depression. Instead I said that I had an ‘artistic temperament.’
Following family protocol, I didn’t call it depression. Instead I said that I had an ‘artistic temperament’ — a phrase that put a creative spin on an extremely painful state of mind.
To make matters worse, I faced serious real-life issues. My husband was undergoing cancer treatment - -and it wasn’t working. He fought the disease for years, but our children were very young when he died.
For a while I blamed my moods on my life circumstances. I was a 34-year-old widow with three little kids —anyone would be depressed! But that excuse wore thin as the years passed.
One day I just stopped. I sat in a chair and cried for three days for no particular reason. My kids tried to hide their worry, but I saw what my depression was doing to them — and I did something I should have done much sooner: I went to my doctor.
He asked questions, ran tests, and then wrote a prescription for an antidepressant. I knew I needed help, but I was ashamed that I hadn’t been ‘strong enough’ to beat depression by myself.
He scolded me when I told him that. “Your depression probably stems from a chemical imbalance,” he said firmly. “It’s as real as a broken leg.”
So I grudgingly took the medicine each day, and a week or two later, my life began to change. The inner pain was gone, evaporating like dew, and suddenly I could take joy in simple things: being with my kids, making dinner, taking a walk.
It felt miraculous, but it wasn’t artificial. I’d been afraid that medication would control me, imposing a false and frenetic cheerfulness -- but it didn’t. The medication simply ended the on-going emotional pain and leveled my emotions. I was still me.
In fact, for the first time ever, I was free to truly be myself. Without the negative thoughts and mood swings, I was in control.
Medication & Spirituality
For a few years, everything went well. I got involved with an Orthodox congregation and slowly became more observant. Big parts of my life began to change. Eventually I became a kosher-eating, mitzvah-keeping Jewish woman — and I loved it.
I loved it so much, in fact, that I stopped taking my medication. I’d been on an even emotional keel for a couple of years, and I hoped that my depression was a thing of the past. Besides, I reasoned, now I had God in my life — what more did I need?
“What kind of Jew has to be medicated to be happy?”
Things were great for a while. But slowly my emotions began to fluctuate and eventually I ended up back in the doctor’s office. If I’d felt guilty the first time around, now I felt shame; not only was I weak, but I’d failed God, too.
I told my Rabbi of my failure. “What kind of Jew has to be medicated to be happy?”
He said something that closely mirrored my doctor’s advice. “If you had cancer, God forbid, would you get treatment?” When I nodded, he went on. “So what’s the difference? You have a physical problem. God expects you to take care of yourself. In fact, He commands it.”
I trusted my Rabbi, so I followed his advice. Besides, I’d begun to realize that, antidepressant or no antidepressant, I still had a lot to learn about happiness.
For instance: I’d never owned up to the idea that I was responsible for my own happiness. When the fog of depression had first lifted, I waited for happiness to just…happen. When it didn’t, I became frustrated and angry. I finally realized that the medication removed the pain, but that was all. The rest was up to me.
The first time I heard someone say that happiness was a choice, I was indignant — especially since the comment was directed at me. I’d been complaining to a friend: one of my kids was having problems, my salary was too low—and on top of everything else, my car had broken down!
I was in a terrible mood. I deserved to be in a bad mood. I was enjoying my bad mood. And then my friend wrecked it by saying, “But happiness doesn’t depend on circumstances. You could choose to be happy, you know.”
I rolled my eyes and dismissed her comment as New Age mumbo-jumbo. Me? Choose to be happy? I didn’t like the idea, not one little bit.
Then I met Bruria.
It happened at a Torah study session. The Rabbi explained that it was a mitzvah to be joyful — happy— on Shabbos. There it was again — the idea that you could choose to be happy, even if just for one day. And he told a story to illustrate his point:
Bruriah lived during the Talmudic age. Her husband, Rabbi Meir, was at shul one Shabbos when the couple’s two sons died suddenly. Because it was Shabbos, Bruriah refused to mourn. After nightfall, though, her husband returned from shul and she had to break the news to him.
She didn’t say that their sons were dead. Instead she asked Rabbi Meir what she should do if someone loaned her something and later asked for the item’s return.
Her husband gave the obvious answer. “You should return the item happily,” he told her.
Then she told him that God had required the return of their sons.
“Oh, come on!” I exclaimed to the Rabbi after the class. “Her sons died — and she didn’t shed a tear? Because it was Shabbos?”
My rabbi answered mildly, saying that most people aren’t on such a high spiritual level. “But this story teaches that we should be happy on Shabbos.”
Then he gave me an assignment. He told me to find out what Ethics of the Fathers had to say about happiness. When I got home, I flipped through my copy.
Here’s what I read: “Who is rich? One who is happy with what he has” (Avot 4:1).
If I waited till everything in my life was perfect, I’d never be happy.
Happy with what he has? Happy with a troubled kid and too many bills and not enough money? Was this some kind of a joke?
Then it hit me. If I waited till everything in my life was perfect, I’d never be happy. I had to choose happiness — even if it killed me.
Related Article: Happiness, etc
Choosing Happiness
I learned that the Torah commands us to be happy. That meant happiness was indeed within my control. God wouldn’t tell me to do the impossible. For that matter, the Torah recorded that the Jewish people were punished — not for sinning, but for not observing the commandments with joy.
So I made a decision: I would be happy.
I wasn’t happy about it, but you can’t have everything.
When I woke up in a bad mood — a common occurrence — I consciously chose to smile and act cheerful.
It took a little practice. I’d catch myself grumbling and remind myself: You’re HAPPY! The next thought was usually an indignant I am NOT! Often the matter ended there, and I spent the rest of the day in my usual emotional funk.
Slowly, though, I learned to insist on happiness. I bought a dry-erase pen and wrote quotes about happiness on my mirrors and windows. “Who is happy? One who is content with what he has,” my bedroom mirror told me each morning. When I stumbled, still groggy, into the living room, the sliding door chimed in with Tolstoy’s pithy “If you want to be happy, be.”
And it worked. Gradually my attitude changed. I became calmer and less prone to anger over little things. I felt happier.
There were still issues that sent me into an emotional tailspin, though. Most of them had to do with control. I liked control. I wanted to be in control. And when I wasn’t — when other people had the nerve to inconvenience me -- I got angry.
I swore at long red lights and said unlovely things about slow drivers. I sighed heavily — and often — when faced with a long line at the bank. I tapped my foot impatiently when a sales clerk didn’t ‘see’ me right away, and complained angrily about the service.
I wanted to be in control of more important issues, too. For instance, my daughter’s class was taking a trip to Israel — a trip that I’d supported at first. But there had been violence, and there were threats of even more trouble.
I didn’t want to be the mom who wouldn’t let my daughter go, but I was afraid. I’d lost my husband; I couldn’t imagine losing a child.
My daughter was patient. “Nothing will happen to me unless God allows it,” she told me.
I believed that -- when I was in shul with my prayer book open. But my daughter lived it, even at home. Even when facing a risky situation.
She went to Israel and had a wonderful time. And I started to work on my emunah — my faith and trust in God — because I was starting to realize that emunah might just be an important component of happiness.
I slowly understood that faith and trusting God was actually the secret to being happy.
And I slowly understood that faith and trusting God was actually the secret. If God was truly in control — and if He wanted the best for me — then everything that happened to me was perfect. Everything.
It was a mind-blowing idea, and the effect was freeing.
I was responsible to put in my reasonable effort – but beyond that, I could let go. As long as I was working to make a living, I didn’t have to worry about money. I had what God had allotted me, and my only responsibility was give tzedakah and use my resources responsibly. If I stayed close to Him, He would give me what I needed.
I didn’t have to worry about my children. If they were going through hard times, I could give good advice—and pray. Beyond that, they were in the hands of God who was dealing with them perfectly.
I realized that I had only three essential tasks in life:
- To do what I knew God wanted me to do. I could find this in Torah.
- To put forth my best effort for a life of financial security, family happiness and spiritual growth.
- To be content with what I had.
That was it!
Things went wrong that first week. I mean, lots of things went wrong. I had to keep reminding myself the same lessons in emunah over and over again.And I still don’t have it down pat. But that is part of the effort. No one said it's going to easy.
I’ve experienced tragedy and suffering, and I don’t know why. But I do know a few things:
God created the world and He controls everything.
Nothing is an accident.
Everything He does is for our good.
I like to think that by recognizing my depression, and treating it according to my doctor’s advice, I’ve strengthened myself. I’m still learning to genuinely trust the Almighty. It’s a lesson I’ll be working on for the rest of my life. I’m a slow learner.
It’s a good thing God is patient.
(61) Anonymous, November 19, 2020 5:18 AM
So real
Such a real and honest description of struggles. It helped me remember, that it's ok if I'm sweatin my way thru this climb. Because sometimes it's so easy to get discouraged.
(60) Anonymous, March 5, 2018 7:39 AM
Thank you
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It has really resonated with me and inspired me to really take action in being positive, taking care of myself, and trusting in Hashem. Really thank you.
(59) Tina, May 24, 2016 3:54 PM
Thank you for sharing your story. I needed to read this. Just in time. Blessings.
(58) Anonymous, April 29, 2016 6:43 PM
This was exactly what I needed. I will probably read and reread this again and again. Thank you for sharing.
(57) David, March 30, 2016 2:01 PM
Your perceived choices and beliefs aren't options for many people suffering depression. Please be sensitive to the experience of others less fortunate. Some people trust in God. Others feel betrayed.
(56) Ellen Diamond, May 29, 2015 2:14 PM
Depression is very difficult
I , suffer from depression.. It's more like a condition called Dysthimia, which is constant depression, but the ability to basically function. I never did not get out of bed. I just never feel happy. I am married to my third husband, who is a wonderful man. The two past marriages were, disasters, all because of low self esteem, which began, in my childhood. My mother is a Holocaust survivor, my father is American. The problem was a few things. I never felt as if I was heard, I felt invisible, all my questions or fears were either laughed off by my father in a loving way, but nevertheless never taken seriously, such as "you'll get over it," or telling me a joke when I wanted to be serious. My mother, had a very difficult childhood with her mother, where she received no physical love, very little attention, and had many difficult chores she had to do from a young age. Her father was a peddler, and was always away, even during the war he was in England. Her siblings who were much older , had already left the house, to begin their lives, so she was basically an only child. I did not finish college until much later in my life because I was terrified of Math. I never had teachers who were willing to take the time with me, only to put me down. I did fine in Math in college. My therapist told me, that my lowest moments come, when I feel that I don't deserve to be happy. There are many other reasons, one of which is that at my age, I should have had a teenage grandchild, but I don't even have one. My son married late in life, 40, his wife was 38, and they have not been successful, as they have tried everything. My daughter is divorced, and suffers from her own anxiety issues. She is 38, and I don't know if there will ever be kids. It's hard when everything I have done in life, has been much later than everyone else. It makes me feel less, and left behind.
(55) Aviva, May 29, 2015 4:22 AM
I also wanted to get off pills. Live naturally. But the pills kept me on an even keel so why not take them if they help. Choosing happiness is also choosing to act. Get involved with community and others. Best wishes for continued growth
(54) Anonymous, May 28, 2015 6:24 AM
What a couragous attitude to share your amazing story! It will help me with my teenagers! "Not everything's good but everything is for good" Thank you for reminding us of Emuna!! V" Hatzlachah beautiful woman!!!
(53) Anonymous, May 27, 2015 11:21 PM
Interesting article. Thank you.
(52) Aharon, May 27, 2015 2:46 PM
Been there
If meds help then you must take them, but as you heal emotionally, indeed you may be able to function well without them. I credit Hashem, www.emofree.com and IFS therapy (www.selfleadership.org) with healing my emotional life and being able to be med free for years now.
(51) sara, May 25, 2015 5:39 PM
I'm suffering too
Thank you for your thought provoking article. I too am suffering from depression, on the outside to other people I look fine and totally function normally. Inside of me is a whole other story. Thank you for sharing what helped you. I'm not there yet but hope to work hard to get there soon.
(50) anonymous, November 5, 2014 5:23 AM
@ James Almon
I hope you get a chance to read this, Im not the best when it comes to words but I can relate to your experience. I know the pain of losing a loved one, I know how depression takes control of life, and waking up every morning feeling closer to a robot than human. I wanted to point out how much talking to someone you trust helps! Preferably a therapist because they are trained in the field and will keep everything private. Slowly you will begin to heal by talking it out. Keeping it inside just eats away at you. This article does a great job at describing depression. Learning to focus on positive thoughts can be hard at first but once that idea is accepted by you, it becomes easier. Starting slow by focusing on even just a color you like is progress, because you are having a positive thought. Accept that healing will take some time, and the feeling of happiness feels foreign and uncomfortable in the beginning, but remember because you have felt so much uncomfort, misery, and sadness... happiness WILL feel strange at first. Just don't try to force feelings of joy , because what you resist persists and underneath you may be resisting sadness, anger, hurt, and resisting will cause more of it. It's good to feel the bad feelings to let them out of our system too, but when they start to take over us, it's time to talk or change out focus again. I know it's not easy taking advise, I myself was recommended to books, group meeting and classes, therapy etc... it it took me months to take that advise. When I was desperate for a way out of the misery, I remembered that advise. Slowly the days started getting better. Lots of prayer. Also sending a prayer request to have a prayer agent pray for 40 days at the wailing wall for me. I'm still in the process, but i sure don't miss the miserable days I felt lost and hopeless. I wish all the best for you and anyone else going through similar experiences.
(49) James Almon, August 3, 2014 5:40 AM
depressed
I've been depressed for a minute. After losing my dad 3 years ago and losing two baby boys after that, I have been a train wreck. My thoughts take me places I don't want to be and I've tried other things to keep my mind a float trying to stay busy but it doesn't work. I have a script for counseling but I don't feel it will work for me. Taking meds before and i wanted to end my life so I stop taking them. No drive, passion, or vital signs of interest for anything. I feel like a robot.
Anonymous, November 5, 2014 5:30 AM
I hope the message I sent gives you hope
Meant to send the message here, but it should pop up on the column of comments
(48) MIRNA BAIZ, April 14, 2012 10:49 PM
BEAUTIFUL. COMFORTING.
THANK YOU FOR SHARING.
(47) phil, February 7, 2012 3:49 AM
i leard something
Well i know more than i did. Thanks for sharing this. I will try to smile and get out of bed more. Thanks.
(46) Linda, February 6, 2012 1:58 AM
Depression
Oh WOW! Its almost like, Tehilla Vanfossen, was talking about me. Thanks Tehilla, for sharing your story. Sincerely Linda
(45) Anonymous, January 31, 2012 4:54 PM
Thank you for this article... I too suffer from depression and do not like the fact that I have to take medication.....This article definately puts things in to perspective ! Thank you !
(44) Anonymous, January 28, 2012 12:35 AM
Like the author I was afraid to admit I needed help, for fear of being perceived as weak. Thank you for this article and allowing me to become comfortable with knowing I made the right choice to seek help and use medication. I was also told to go into counseling so that I can deal with the issues. It was also nice to hear a man of faith state that while depression isn't seen, it is as real as a broken leg.
(43) Martin, January 22, 2012 7:17 PM
Medication
Has the writer been able to stop medication?
(42) Joshua Wang, January 21, 2012 3:45 PM
Amazing
what a beautiful article.It's even harder to truly believe in Almighty especially a non-jewish like me.As a native Chinese student,I am in doubt about everything.I have to insist on believing Almighty even though many people surrounding don't do like that.As author puts it ,G-d is patient.Gradually,everyone will learn to truly believe in G-d.
(41) Anonymous, January 21, 2012 3:44 PM
Thanks
Thank you for sharing your life challenge.I deal with depression on a daily basis. I also deal with Seasonal Affect Disorder. Your article reminded me to smile even if I didn't feel that way. It is the first time I truly smiled and felt it inside in a couple of weeks. Thank You.
(40) michael, January 20, 2012 8:04 PM
wonderful
this is jiust incredible true and helpful thank you for your holy work yours in GD michael
(39) Anonymous, January 20, 2012 5:21 PM
THANK YOU
Thank you for reminding us that it's ok to admit we have a problem and take actions (and sometimes medication) to relieve it. You dont know how much this article means to so many of us.
(38) kobari, January 19, 2012 10:19 PM
GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES.
GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES.THANKS
(37) esther, January 19, 2012 9:11 PM
thank you!
As someone who is currently suffering from an episode of depression/anxiety,I commend you for your uplifting words.Most of all I thank you for being open about a topic that is so taboo in our communities.I am sure that I am not the only person who is going through this very frightening ordeal.So why then do I feel that I am the only one?The hardest part of this nisayon for me has been that feeling of I am so different than everyone.Its like this invisible illness in our circles.If only more support was available in the frum world to all of us genetically prone to this illness it would be so much easier to handle.I am generally a positive person with many strengths but when the depression/anxiety hit the suffering is so great that I feel like a completely different person and find it exceedingly difficult to focus and attend to even the most basic tasks.It is truly a chemical imbalance in every sense of the word and I thank G-d for the gift of medication that is helping me to weather the storm.But still how I wish I wouldn't feel so alone in this struggle.Can anyone relate to this feeling?
E, January 20, 2012 5:02 PM
Not alone, it's fairly common.
There is this notion that "I am the only one with XYZ" but that is almost never the case. The funny thing about mental/psychological struggles is that it is all in your head. Yes, we sometimes need medication or other help to restore our equilibrium but no one knows on the outside what's up so we think we are doomed as being the only person with the problems. There are studies showing that Jewish people in the Western world are more prone to depression and anxiety than our neighbors but we are much less open about it. (For example, male depression in the Orthodox world is so much higher than the rest of the world that it seems depressing...but it is not). We all have our problems and nowadays most people keep it private and do not tell even their best friends their psychological challenges for better or worse. I've spoken with the valedictorian, the CEOs and CFOs, the good looking guy; you would never know they have depression and that is because they work on it and even use medication when necessary. If you suffer from this ailment and you are working on it then you are: 1) Not alone - part of a niche working to bring out your best. 2) Unique in the world - most people do not want to deal with their problems 3) Living life to your fullest - if you are struggling with something, that means you are living. When you don't struggle you sink and drown. Push yourself, don't beat yourself up (you deserve all the good you get), and remember that friends and family love you even during times when you think they don't. Best o luck!
Norm, January 21, 2012 7:55 PM
You're not alone
When I realized that my depression was very real and not a phase, I started talking to close friends and family members about it and guess what? More than half of them were either on anti-depressants or knew other close friends with the same illness. If you open up to your circle of friends and family I believe you'll be pleasantly surprised by the amount of support you'll find - you're not alone Esther, not by any means.
(36) Anonymous, January 19, 2012 8:01 PM
WHEN A PERSON HAS CANCER I SAY THE HECK WITH DEPRESSION
Anonymous, August 8, 2018 10:06 AM
Insensitive!
What an insensitive thing to say!
(35) Wolfgang, January 19, 2012 5:38 PM
EXCELLENT!!! Thank you
What a great example. I have sometimes felt the same about me having to deal with depression (I hold myself accountable for many things, including being happy) Your example of taking the meds as an aid, not as the cure is wonderful. I had never seen it that way. I don't need them because I don't have what you had, but I had never wanted to seek help because "I had to be strong enough to beat it", perhaps one day I will need it. I come from a different background, even different religion, but I fully understand your story and relationship with G-d. Thank you. Lots of blessing for you and your kids.
(34) Anonymous, January 19, 2012 4:01 PM
Powerful and affecting article. Thank you for writing it and may G-d Bless you.
(33) Hilda, January 19, 2012 12:50 PM
This was truly" a word in due season". Thank you for this wonderful article!!
(32) Julia, January 19, 2012 12:35 PM
Beautiful and heartfelt article. Thanks for sharing.
(31) Renee Bryer, January 19, 2012 5:32 AM
Very good advice
Eating correctly and exercise compliment the care of oneself which Hashem desires as well as prayers, doing what Hashem desires of us regarding mitzvot and having faith.
(30) Anonymous, January 19, 2012 1:42 AM
great!
Outstanding article. Thank you.
(29) SusanE, January 18, 2012 7:35 PM
Thank You
What a wonderful story you have. Thank you for sharing it with us. It is hard to decide on happiness when we want people to see how hard we 'really' have it. If we try to look or act happy are we being deceitful? No, of course not. Because the more we act happy, the sooner real happiness takes over. The author is teaching her children how to choose being happy. If they should inherit that depression ...they will be empowered to seek treatment and know how to ensure their own decision to have a happy life. You have given us great information and a wonderful combination of Torah and living honestly.
(28) Emilio Alvarez, January 18, 2012 2:48 PM
Depression-Hapiness.
Wonderful article, I go every day through the same prosses, plus so much more., & I find very hard to accept the fact, why God permits suffering, & so suffering is part of God plan for us.
(27) Gila, January 18, 2012 9:22 AM
Your article was written for me
OK, I'm not that selfish, but I resonated with so much of what you wrote, Tehila. Same genetic depressive tendency, same ruminations, same self-pity (love the 'cosmic eraser'!), same expecting things to go my way in a passive-aggressive sort of way. Antidepressants have helped, but I've gotten very depressed while on them too. Rav Shalom Arush's books (Garden of Emuna, etc.) turned my life around, as did others who encouraged me to let Hashem more into my life. The more I committed myself to speaking to Hashem daily, the better my life became. B"H I was able to get off medication a few months ago and I'm committed to fighting my depressive tendency with emuna and acceptance. Thank you for such a beautiful article, and may the sun shine on you more each day.
(26) Ben S, January 18, 2012 2:13 AM
Faith in a Nutshell...not the way you usually hear it
Firstly, the article was inspiring because it is often Taboo in the Jewish world to talk about mental health lest you be ostracized. It isn't accepted yet but one day... I heard a nice idea from Rbtzn Jungreis on faith and it sums it up: A guy is going to the airport because he has a BIG business meeting in Chicago and the flight from New York leaves in 3 hours, he has plenty of time until he gets on the highway and it is shut down due to a tanker spill and he must reroute. Ends up showing up to the airport 40 minutes before the flight and they refuse his entry. So what happens? Turns out the plane crashes...right? WRONG! The plane arrives in Chicago on time without him and he misses the meeting and has to reschedule and it is quite a mess. But the bottom line is that he knows G-d has a plan and is in control of the world. Sometimes we don't know why things happen (whether small like missing a flight or big like your cruise vacation turning disastrous) but faith means KNOWING that G-d is running the world even if you feel kinda crummy today. Not every day is a success but every effort is. Best of luck my friend.
(25) Miriam, January 16, 2012 7:23 PM
Tehila, you sound incredible!
Raising four kids on your own! Wow! Also try, if you haven't yet, reading Duties of the Heart, The Gate of Trust in G-d, in English, five minutes every night. It's fabulous.
(24) Anonymous, January 16, 2012 6:44 PM
GREAT ARTICLE
I wished, after being through every drug imaginable I could find the happiness you have found. I am a 60 yr old retired male and all I seem to do is ruminate about retiring early, money etc. Kol ha Kavod to you
(23) Anonymous, January 16, 2012 6:01 PM
Happiness is a Choice, but don't expect all to be happy about your happiness
Thank you for your well-written and thoughtful piece. Depression runs in our family, too. When my children were growing up and confused about erratic behavior of a particular family member, I explained the situation as "bad chemicals" in the brain. Understood. It wasn't until recent pharmaceutical science developed Prozac and the newer medications that depression became less of a hidden, shameful condition than a treatable, medical condition (which it is) and we could talk about it openly. That's often the case. Indeed, medication DOES help correct the brain chemistry but doesn't affect our responses. WE need to establish new habits and routines to replace whatever negative was internalized during time pre-medication. Erasing the "bad tapes" that speak in our heads takes takes daily positive action, prayer, emunah, and bitachon, as the writer stated. We can only change ourselves, nobody else. Enlisting our loved ones and friends in supporting us, it surprise us that some people may, consciously or unconsciously, resist our changes; it requires them to treat us differently, perhaps, or as our behaviors change, refrain from interacting with us in the same manner they've done in the past. I used to put up with mean comments and be the object of unkind things people would say in my presence. I'd privately seethe about their words and turn phrases around and around in my head, perhaps incubating a resentment. The Torah doesn't require that I stay quiet when people hurt me. It is a mitzvah to be happy! In order to be happy, I could not let myself be a people-pleasing doormat. I learned in therapy how to tell people how they statements hurt and upset me. Then I learned to drop the bad feelings. Once I refused to engage in the dialogs, some dynamics between us changed. Some people (family) don't like how I now refuse to take abuse myself because it infringes on their "right" to say what they want. As long as I act like a mensch though, I'm getting happy and healing.
(22) Anonymous, January 16, 2012 4:59 PM
thank you for sharing
your article resinated with me - thank you for sharing your story. I have travelled and continue to travel down a very similar path. May Hashem continue to allow you to find your strength...
(21) Anonymous, January 16, 2012 3:45 PM
Thank you!
From someone else suffering from depression, all I can say is thank you, I can so relate and your article is sooo comforting. May Hashem always give you sunshine in your heart!
(20) ruth housman, January 16, 2012 3:28 AM
once upon a story
I am a psychotherapist who has worked in many Clinics with people suffering from major mental illness. It could be said, that psychosis itself is a form of merger, and that merger, is actually what is the true nature of existence, and that what we do, in coping is the erection of barriers against merger, because we need separate identities to function. It could also be said that life itself is essentially bipolar, and we all do move to the poles, of exhilaration at one end and black depression on the other. The goal is to stay in the middle, and to achieve balance as best we can. But we're all in this together. Some people slide more easily to the extremes and suffer deep anguish and inability to cope. Life is filled with emotion, with angst, with terrible sorrow, and we all do feel, being human. We all do cry at times, and depression is a human and humane emotion. It is true we can work with our thoughts, and that we can turn dark thoughts around to find those silver linings. It's also true, in my view, that we're all here to learn, and that life presents deep and ongoing lessons for us all, and some feel cruel, and others part of crewel, meaning a deep and beautiful tapestry. When we see this we see, going down the years that the "down" time was also meaningful and part of our individual and collective stories. I do not fault people from falling into the abyss. That's human. And I do believe we're here to provide the rope, the support, the words of hope and comfort, and also medications to help people climb out. it's all part of this very complex business of being, human. And emotion, e.. motion, does have propulsive force.
(19) Anonymous, January 16, 2012 2:07 AM
everyone has their package in life
Depression is something I have dealt with, unfortunately, for the last several years. It is something that comes and goes. At times, the emotional pain feels so bad that I compare it to the idea of cancer. I know that it may be unfair to do that because I do not know what cancer feels like. That physical pain may seem unbearable; Not knowing how you will get through the next hour, week or month may be unbearable as well. The good news is that one with depression can actually survive in the environment, within society without others having any idea or clue that one is suffering from the illness. Medication and therapy can take you places you never imagined you can get to before, even though it is a long and draining process. The stigma and fears do not help the situation either. So looking at a glass half empty or half full seems to be a harder process for an individual who suffers from depression. Hopefully one day we will all experience a smoother life!!
(18) Avrohom Lukacs, January 16, 2012 1:47 AM
I know the feeling......
I have been depressed for many years already, and for me it started when I was in Yeshiva when I was young, always pushed around, named calling, picked on, bullied, hurt, hit, and I also got it from the Rebbeim, and rabbi's too. No one at MY side, I was so depressed in the 7th grade, that I had more guns magazines in my home than a Siddurim, and I had made numerous cuts to my wrist, but no one cared, no one listened. I got hit at home & at yeshiva. It got so bad, I took it myself to stop the depression, and they sent me to see a Dr. and when the Dr. asked me why I was depressed, I took off my shirt and I showed him all the black and blue marks on my body, from the people in the yeshiva & my parents, yet no one came to my aid, no one asked me what was wrong, how i was doing. I left the yeshiva, because if I stayed, I would have died that year. I begged Hashem to take me home, I asked every day, why do I deserve this life. I had kids who did terrible things to me, and they hurt me so bad. Even though this happened years ago, I still go thru the effects even now, I still cry inside of me, I still shake when I see my classmates, teachers, principles, and if you asked them why i left they will tell you a story, and if I tell you why I did it. I know what depression is all about, no one was at my side, no one hugged me, no one said "I love you", getting pushed on the bus, in the classroom, on the street, and they hurt my father too, these kids did not know what it meant to respect another human being. Why did they do this to me, what did I do to deserve that, that people can hurt others, for no aparrent reason!!
miriam, January 18, 2012 4:39 AM
im so sorry for your pain. may you see love and happiness and goodness in ur life
Esther, January 19, 2012 6:21 AM
If your memories trouble you, try EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique)
EFT is a tapping technique on acupuncture points that can relieve phobias and bad memories in a very short time. There is a lot of free information on using it on the internet. Emotional Freedom Technique. You took yourself out of the bad situation in yeshiva, please don't let the memories continue to hurt you.
(17) Susan, January 15, 2012 6:44 PM
Sounds Familiar
I want to tell you first, sorry for your loss. Then, I want to say that I too suffered from depression in my 30's-40's. It too runs in my family. Depression, suicide, back in the day, family members getting electric shock therapy... I won't bore you with details. I too prayed and prayed, my children suffered with me but grew up with an understanding. Then, in my 40's I was given the gift of a job to work with a holistic chiropractor who specialized in nutrition. Did you know that 70-80% of our neurotransmitters are in our gut? From all the coffee and sugar and poor nutrition, antibiotics, steroids that we are given for various reasons (they all are and can be life savers and used for a reason but in the long term we MUST replace the good flora in our gut) Once I received Cranial Sacral Therapy from an Upledger Institute trained therapist and started daily probiotics and healed myself from the inside out and PRAYED, did I begin to heal. Not everyone can benefit from this I am sure, it is up to the Almighty. This just happened to be my answer for me. I hope that everyone who has this issue, seeks the help and their prayers are answered.
(16) henry, January 15, 2012 6:42 PM
excellent advice re depression
For the person not suffering from depression it is sensible for him to advise medical drug treatment to heal the patient, and suggest that it is the patient's choice to be happy. For those with faith, the Jewish religion is supportive,for those without reliance on God's love is irrational, especially after the Shoah. Being satified with what you have, rather than envious for what you lack is an excellent biblical teaching, but the advertising world in which we live is based on the opposite.It is much more difficult for the depressed person to be happy with his lot, even though it is essential for his healing.
(15) Mary, January 15, 2012 5:36 PM
lifting clous of depression
I enjoyed this article imensely. Thank you
(14) Eljunia, January 15, 2012 3:43 PM
Cloud of Doom
What a great article. My husband suffers from clinical depression and as I'm a positive person his negativity can be overwhelming. He is medicated and I pray everyday that he finds his way out of his funk (to put it lightly) but I also need not to be pulled in so I use the same therapy as Tehilla does on myself, some days are harder than others but overall it works great.
(13) Devorah, January 15, 2012 3:43 PM
inspirational
thank you so much! Your words are powerful and really help put life into a manageable view. Great Mantra.
(12) richard, January 15, 2012 2:33 PM
Letting go
Letting go is perhaps one of the more challenging tasks we have as people. Especially for control freaks.In the end, all one can do is their best and leave the rest up to Hashem.
maggie, January 15, 2012 5:48 PM
letting go
i agree with what you say richard letting go is challenging, its is a big challenge for me at the moment
(11) Anonymous, January 15, 2012 10:13 AM
We all have many blessings
As someone who was abused and almost destroyed in the past, suffered broken relationships, finally married too late to have any children of my own, though I have gained a wonderful new family through my husband, now I am truly happy and more whole than I have ever been in my life. I asked Hashem to help me to heal and He has in many amazing ways, as well as testing me greatly along the way. I know that every breath I breathe is a gift from Hashem: life is not a right but a blessing from the One who loves us. Every day, whatever the problems that may arise, is a beautiful day: years ago I could never have imagined that life was so worth living. Firstly, it is way past time that much of the frum world stops pretending that mental illness doesn't exist, or that chemical inbalance in the brain is nowadays very treatable, like any other physical illness. It is the strong thing to recognise and to seek the help you need, rather than to try and fight your way forward by yourself. Secondly, you create the thoughts that can help bring you down. So start creating positive ones: listening to uplifting music can be a good boost. Depending on the kinds of music you like, try listening to Stevie Wonder'sNgiculela/Es Una Historia/I Am Singing (easy to find on youtube). He happens to have been blind all his life: if you have eyes to see, remember that you have a wonderful gift that he never had.
(10) Anonymous, January 15, 2012 8:12 AM
You Hit the Nail on the Head!
Unfortunately, your story is all too common. All the signs showed that it ran in my family too, but no one, not professionals, Rabbis, teachers, nor parents saw the red flags, while I grew up as a nerd and an oddball and unhappy with myself (and enjoying my depression). Only at age 44 (after a "mid-life crisis" did a psychiatric professional cause a breakthrough in my life by telling me "it's depression" and prescribing Prozac. Thank G-d, awareness is growing and pedagogues are receiving instruction on how to see these red flags of all the mental health issues, so that kids will no longer stew in their juices and become adults stwing in their juices. I can see G-d's grace in that He saved me (and us) from other prevalent trials and tribulations (such as poverty, children's diseases, Shidduchim problems, etc.) as if to say: "I won't overload you with additional baggage". Thank G-d I am blessed with a wonderful, talented, and successful family who accept me as I am.
(9) Anonymous, January 15, 2012 8:05 AM
Who is rich?
"Who is rich? He who is happy with his lot. But... what if he hasn't GOT a lot?!" It's a play on words, humorous to some.
Ben, January 18, 2012 2:16 AM
Answer to "Who is rich" joke
Happiness is easy. It's getting all the money that makes it hard!
(8) rivka malka, January 15, 2012 6:56 AM
a great formula!
This article was so beautiful! Her formula for life is one I"ll carry with me. And her emphasis on choice is what makes the difference between good and great! This is clearly one great woman!
(7) Anonymous, January 15, 2012 3:12 AM
What strength!
I find so much strength in your story. It is not so often that you see people or Rabbis talking about this subject. Thank you for sharing your story so others can connect and find strength within your own.
(6) Gene, January 15, 2012 2:59 AM
Thank you
You have the courage to invite me to that healing also
(5) Amy, January 15, 2012 2:58 AM
Amazing article!! I might re-read it... over and over. Very inspiring.
(4) Nancy, January 15, 2012 2:39 AM
Very powerful. I think that Bruria is the perfect example of the effort one must put forth in order to obtain happiness. It's nice to hear such a personal and well written story.
(3) Jordan, January 15, 2012 2:13 AM
I found this a very nice read and a great insight into a topic to often kept quiet in the frum world. Thak you for this honest take on battling depression with the help of religion.
(2) Anonymous, January 15, 2012 1:43 AM
Amazing, uplifting and very insightful.
(1) Aaron Morgan, January 14, 2012 8:23 PM
Thank you!
Awesome article. Thanks so much for sharing!