My bipolar is something that has led me through my greatest personal journey. There have been many stops along the way, some breakdowns needing emergency work, some happy stations and some stops in the darkest towns, empty and lonely. And the journey continues, showing me new routes to take.
For many years there has been “something” always there, lurking. Whether it was being the class clown in school to being way over-sensitive as I grew older, from the times when I sat as a child in the corner of a room rocking back and forth having an animated conversation with my deceased grandmother, to the time I desperately tried to dig up the graves of children who had died a hundred years ago, convinced they couldn't breathe.
All of these “episodes” went untreated. They were viewed with horror and silence, with dread of what the neighbors would think. Until at last, after a severe breakdown, I was diagnosed with bipolar.
I’m not a great lover of labels, but getting the bipolar label has given me a lifeline.
I’m not a great lover of labels, but getting the bipolar label has given me a lifeline. I no longer feel alone. I no longer worry that I am a crazy, unpredictable person, someone to steer clear of. I accept who I am and acknowledge that even though hundreds of thousands of people are battling the same mental health issues as me, there is sadly a stigma attached, a stigma which will never go away, a stigma which will stop people living the fullest, happiest life they could be.
Being a person with bipolar (not a bipolar person – there's a big difference!) is like having a little extra part tucked away in my brain. It usually sits happily, quietly minding its own business, but it’s always there and it has an effect on the way you think as a person. Things that people may innocently say become mountains in your mind; you replay every word. In general you feel more, so your sensitivity levels tend to be much higher than other people.
For example, someone walking down the street and sees a parent yelling at a child would probably shake their head and have some empathy for the child and then move on, but my bipolar brain will become obsessed. I can see every detail of fear on that child’s face. I will go home and my mind will become full of possible scenarios: Will the child be ok? Is he being abused? What is happening to him now? And as these thoughts overtake me, that little blob sitting comfortably in the back of my mind grows, and keeps growing…. eventually leading to an episode.
So we need to be extra careful; we need to take care not to listen to horrific news, see disturbing videos and read highly emotive books. We need to watch out for triggers, and they're lurking everywhere.
On the other hand, this extra sensitivity gives us the ability to be more empathetic, more understanding, more caring and loving.
Bipolar episodes are different for every person. They can happen weekly, monthly, a couple of times a year or not happen for many years. They also all differ in severity. For example, over the course of the 16 years that I've had my diagnosis there have been a few hospital admissions, some for a few days and the longest for over 6 months, but some only an hour or two.
I tend to experience my bipolar with highs. I will go through a highly stressful time, and I will know (it takes years to come to the point of knowing) when an episode is coming, the free-falling, all consuming, erratic thoughts, the inability to concentrate, the fantasy that becomes my reality of being the queen, a secret agent etc. are all warning signs. Sometimes I can stop the episode before it consumes me. I go to a safe place, I sleep, I take extra medication, (medication is essential), but sometimes there is no stopping it, and I am in my ”happy place” in no time at all.
When I'm convinced that I'm a Mossad agent and those around me are my soldiers, I know who my safe people are.
For the people around me it is very difficult. When I steal the car keys from my husband and try to climb out the bedroom window to drive down the motorway, or when I'm convinced that I'm a Mossad agent and those around me are my soldiers, I know who my safe people are. Those few who know from the tone of my voice that I am on the verge of or in the midst of an episode, those three or four people are thank God always there and they know what to do.
Bipolar is NOT a choice. There is no point telling us to stop, to pull ourselves together. We can control it with medication, but still, at times the medication will stop being effective or will not be a strong enough dosage and a manic or depressive episode will occur.
Please know, despite media reports, we do not commit terror attacks or drive planes in to a mountainside because we have a mental illness, and when such an event happens we are saddened when the media will immediately fall back on the ”mental health issues of the perpetrator”.
We are you, we are me, we are your family and friends.
If someone you know has a mental health issue, do not be ashamed. It's an illness; not a personal choice. Make sure they are on the correct medication, that they know they are loved and that you are there for them, no matter what.
Therapy is incredibly important. I feel everyone would benefit from having a therapist, but for the person with bipolar it is even more important as we have all the anxieties, stress and unknowns that come with it.
My journey is ongoing. I hope to somehow help open the eyes of those blind to the reality of mental health issues and how it affects all of us in one way or another.
(36) Deborah Litwack, March 1, 2020 2:46 AM
Yasher koach!!!
It is heartwarming that your are able to describe your experiences so well. I wish you continued success in managing your bipolar symptoms. My dearest friend lost a daughter to suicide due to poorly managed bipolar disorder- such a tragedy for the whole family left behind!
(35) Colin Porter, February 29, 2020 6:15 AM
have suffered from endogenous depression /bipolar for 57 years
From age 17 (matriculation) in S.Africa I suffered from depression-always associated with "fearof failure" after not having been prepared for the life in the "big bad world outside", always when getting close to professional life during BSc in Forestry. Medications did not succeed and was successfully trated with ECT shock treatment from 1962-1972. Immigrated to Israel in 1969 and suffered same "fear of failure"and consequent depression during attempted thesis in MSc (Marine Biology) in 1972. From 1984 I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder,but only slightly hypomanic/greatly depressive. Medications and ECT (1990-Beer Sheva, 2017,2018-Geha) were unsuccessful. From1984-2012 I again suffered from "fear of failure" to become a researcher (no PhD due to failure in computer operating). Partial success as Desret tour guide (1996-2017)but ,despite tremendous support from my wife and 4 kids,never felt I was "needed"-this included 5 months hospitalization with medications and CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy). My wife is an unbelievable "eshet hayil" and was incredibly supportive!
Six months ago ,my daughter gave birth to twins and I felt finally "needed" to help with the 3 and 5 yr old granddaughters and was thus "reborn" and have never felt better! of course, after 57 years I cannot be 100% sure the depression will not return, but in feeling needed, finding my niche in performing tasks with no need to compete with others, bolstering my hitherto low assertivity, self confidence and independence,if the depression returns it will be much milder. I should also add that, being retired for the last 8 years, I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING AND CAN DO WHAT I WANT, so there is nomore psychological reason for depression! In my view , the problem has become chemical and as the brain is flexible ,it can react positively to the increased assertivity, self confidence, independence and feeling of being needed by filling uncompetitive "niches"!
(34) Rebecca K, February 27, 2020 10:45 PM
So important for people to understand that many people with bipolar are functional!
I have a family member with bipolar, and yes, it's an adjustment, and yes, lifelong there will be struggles, but like you said, with diagnosis, now they can manage symptoms more easily. They are a good person--like you said, more sensitive (which can be good!), and (I find) more creative. Between the peaks and troughs, they are functional. They are not "only" their illness. Thanks for writing this article!
(33) Sharon Lazenga, February 27, 2020 10:03 AM
Sara you are one hell of a Gutsy lady!Kol Hakavoed to you!!
It takes tremendous Guts and inner strength to open up as you have done and publicly share your life experiences! I am sure that by doing this will in itself help a lot of people who suffer in silence , who in many ways are cut of from the world as a result! Thank you for sharing and allowing others to get a better understanding of Bipolar Itself and the pain associated with it for the sufferer ! Hashem should give you continued inner strength, to carry on fulfilling your wish to help others!’
(32) Kathleen Downs, February 26, 2020 12:26 PM
Thank you for your insight.
Writing your innermost experiences with Bipolar is so encouraging. It came at, of course, just when I am seeking answers for my need and desire to uplift and love family and friends with Bipolar disorders.
(31) Anonymous, February 26, 2020 7:16 AM
thank you for sharing your story and helping to stop stigma against mental illness , especially in the frum world.
(30) Maile Marlene Perez, February 24, 2020 11:43 PM
Thank you for your transparency
I really appreciate your transparency. Bi-polar runs in the family and has effected myself and teen daughter. It's great that the stigma is lessening and I believe it's only because of people being more outspoken and transparent.
(29) Anonymous, February 24, 2020 5:37 PM
Brilliamt
Thank you for describing bipolar so beautifully and thoroughly. I have family members who have it. Your article helps me understand them better.
(28) michele joy pozsonyi, February 24, 2020 1:00 PM
this is very good and accurate.
yes what Sara has said is so true. I also suffer from Bipolar,
(27) Sara benbassat, February 24, 2020 10:46 AM
Thank you
Just to say thank you to all of you for your comments. This is the first time I have had my writing published and it was a nerve racking experience. Your comments and shares are so appreciated
(26) Anonymous, February 24, 2020 5:44 AM
Excellent educational material
I learned a lot about this illness and am now much more sympathetic and understanding for people who have this. Empathy is awakened. Before I was judgmental and not informed. Thank you for a great article.
(25) Ralph David Ortegon, February 24, 2020 5:15 AM
The State of Bipolar Senses.
Thank You, for allowing Strangers, Family and Friends and Past Enemies; to enter your world and by far the gifts of all gifts, and you have very unselfishly given the readers to see the entry of Your Soul. Bipolar has a pair of additional co-host who get Razzled at the miniscule behavior violations i.e. Which are assumed every event; I would be remissed ,if I didn't introduced Anger: This Monster , whose Name is "ReX", raises his voice and acts like The Villiage Idiot!, And Last but always the least! Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), now this Muggle and IT (s) Minions. raise the very depths of HELL! I'm the recipient of the above whole bundle, although I have accustomed my daily norm of this Life to a ? Commitment of Keeping My (the) Faith and deal with My Terms of Enderement. After all it was I who Volunteered to join the Military in Service to America. Rrgsrds, RDO ,
(24) Rachel, February 24, 2020 1:26 AM
There should be no stigma
Who cares what the neighbors would think? Thank you for this courageous story. The more people speak out, the more others will realize that the only correct response to someone’s illness is compassion, not judgment.
(23) Joseph Katzman, February 23, 2020 11:48 PM
I've known someone with it - be careful of avoidance though
"So we need to be extra careful; we need to take care not to listen to horrific news, see disturbing videos and read highly emotive books. We need to watch out for triggers, and they're lurking everywhere."
My only thought, from experience watching it, is that this kind of avoidance strategy can expand to become a swamp into which your life sinks.
There's a psychological domain called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. It won't cure the underlying condition, but it may well help give you a wider set of choices re: managing everything else. Which may improve your ability to live the life you want.
Good luck.
(22) Kerry, February 23, 2020 10:49 PM
Thanks for sharing
Thanks for sharing a little bit of your life. It was very informative and helpful.
(21) John Rowe, February 23, 2020 10:41 PM
My experience
My life battling bipolar disorder has been the biggest roller coaster ride of my life. Over 3 decades, multiple hospitalizations, and suicide attempts, I'm still here today. People say I'm bipolar, I correct them and tell them I have it. I am not my illness. Just like I am not diabetes. One day, I pray, the stigma will go away, I just pray it is in my lifetime.
(20) Julianne Sobel, Psy.D., February 23, 2020 10:13 PM
I commend your courage and honesty. There is still such a stigma against mental illness. And there are better and effective treatments for it. It is something that should not get in the way of a shidduch, but it can unfortunately. Regarding shidduchim, I advise my patients never to “lead” with this on a first date, because your diagnosis is “misleading” and easily misinterpreted. You are so much more than your diagnosis. The great artists, writers, entertainers are disproportionately bipolar. You are in very good company!
(19) Abby, February 23, 2020 9:51 PM
Another consideration
For women diagnosed as bipolar 1 who have experienced mostly mania and especially with psychosis please consider a similar poorly recognized condition known as cyclic psychosis or menstrual psychosis. It presents as mania but occurs at predictable times in the menstrual cycle. It typically resolves completely after menopause as can be treated with hormones until then, which in my experience have minimal side effects and is effective. There is a variant that only occurs in girls who are just starting to menstruate and only occurs for a few cycles and they are fine after hormones regulate after only a few cycles. Unfortunately if diagnosed with bipolar or schizophrenia they can be placed on drugs for life with potential serious side effects. Dr Alan Jacobs can diagnose and treat via telemedicine. His website can be found at neuroendocrinology.org
(18) Nina Anders, February 23, 2020 8:17 PM
Sara has taught me so much
I feel privileged to call Sara a friend. She is so carring, giving and insightful being. I wish more people would have her middos and loving nature. We were fortunate to be neighbours for 7 years, I learnt so much about humanity and about myself through our friendship. In short I admire Sara and her husband!
(17) Anonymous, February 23, 2020 8:13 PM
Thank you
As a mental health professional thank you for your honest and revealing article. Bipolar disease, as all mentali illnesses, are just that: a disease, an illness, no different to any other physical disease for example diabetes. Everyone has someone in their life with any one of different mental diseases. Countless lives would improve if we would all move past the archaic notion of embarrassment from mental illness. It’s the year 2020; way past time to move beyond shame and embarrassment from an illness that could happen to anyone of us.
(16) Anonymous, February 23, 2020 8:05 PM
I have suffered for years...
...with bipolar disorder. Thank you for caring enough to put this issue in perspective. I know many people are grateful for your having the courage to speak.
(15) Anonymous, February 23, 2020 8:00 PM
Thank you
My family member was diagnosed with atypical bipolar. Not easy for sure for him. I would say, hands down, one of the most upsetting remarks that I see on the internet is "Prove to ME that someone has bipolar or depression etc. There should be a test that showwwws this diagnoses. After all, other medical doctors have blood work tests to prove. Don't tell me that your doctor knows.... There should be a test. This person just needs vitamins and sunshine and it's all the food they eat and if they would only improve their diet blah blah blah.." These arm chair experts have done more to hurt than to help. Listen and don't judge those who tell you they have been diagnosed with bipolar or depression etc....
(14) Anonymous, February 23, 2020 5:52 PM
Cousin in England Had the same
If one were to go to the Facebook page, they would read my cousin Daniel Levy’s blog all about his struggle with bipolar affective disorder. My cousin was also classified as a genius. Sadly, this past week he passed away at the age of 62 as a result of having COPD.
Leah, February 23, 2020 7:52 PM
Baruch Dayan HaEmett. No words....
(13) miriam Cohen, February 23, 2020 5:31 PM
This is helpful
My grand daughter's best friend in Israel committed suicide while in the hospital. It has been a devastating experience for her friends, her parents and the close knit community in which she grew up. It is very brave of you to speak out, perhaps someone else can be treated and saved.
(12) Anonymous, February 23, 2020 4:11 PM
I am continuing
My early life did not parallel yours, but I many timesI felt guilty about behavior that I knew was hurtful to others. I was diagnosed in my mid forties and I was so relieved to find that I was not an ugly person, just someone with a diagnosable illness. Medicine changed my life but I still had mood swings that were painful. I am now 72 and I really try to help other people who are blaming themselves for something that isn’t their fault.
(11) Anonymous, February 23, 2020 4:04 PM
Very good article
I myself can relate. At 60 years old life has been a roller coaster. But counseling and medication help, though the ones you love and care for may never understand.
(10) Anonymous, February 23, 2020 4:02 PM
A wonderful article
I have walked in those shoes...I, too, have bipolar disorder...you said everything I would have said had I written that article.
My greatest hope is that your words will reach the people who are ready to understand
(9) Sara benbassat, February 23, 2020 3:57 PM
Thank you
I really appreciate your comments
(8) bernard zemsky, February 23, 2020 3:22 PM
Well said
I was diagnosed as Manic Depressive (bipolar) in 1966. It was at least three years before I accepted the need for treatment. Through the years I had some ups and downs. My major manic episode was a blast. My major depressions were horrors.
Since I have been on lithium my world is almost "normal". I have ups and downs but no extremes. I see a psychiatrist, who I trust, and get regular blood tests to see that my dosage is where it should be.
Recognizing the need for treatment is critical. This is no curse. Articles like this are very helpful and there should be more for the publics understanding..
Sara benbassat, February 23, 2020 3:32 PM
Thank you
Hi. I am sorry you have been through a truly hard time. Having awareness and want to help ourselves and get help from others is so important.
(7) Sylvanna, February 23, 2020 3:15 PM
There's a way out
My ex-husband suffers from Bipolar Disorder and our children have suffered for it even though he has sought treatment from a psychiatrist. But there is a way out if we will choose to seek after it. I have been blessed to take my youngest, our daughter, through a program called "Depression the Way Out" by Nedley Health Solutions. Please look into this program for yourself and your family. I find hope in the words of Shemoth 15,26.
Anonymous, February 23, 2020 3:33 PM
Will look it up!
Thanks for your comments. Will be sure to look up both of the things you have mentioned
(6) Caryn, February 23, 2020 2:46 PM
I can relate
Thank you for speaking about this. I have had and still have a similar journey and I am blessed with a partner who knows before I if a manic episode is about to occur. It is a huge challenge but Hashem gives us the strength and needed support to help us.
Anonymous, February 23, 2020 3:37 PM
Thank you
Thank you for taking the time to comment
Anonymous, February 26, 2020 2:58 AM
Nice to hear the spouse appreciated
As a spouse of a bi polar wife, I am happy to see for the first time in many articles and comments- someone who appreciates their spouse for the work they do to help.
It is sometimes extremely difficult and sometimes very saddening and other emotions...
Saying there by "There grace of G-d Go I" is not enough for me.
Appreciation is key!
(5) David T, February 23, 2020 2:39 PM
Hope for persons with bipolar disorder
Thank you for sharing your story. Bipolar disorder is generally a lifetime disorder, with periods of wellness interspersed. As a psychiatrist who has treated numerous persons with bipolar, my biggest challenges are in convincing them that they have a diagnosable condition and in convincing them not to discontinue treatment when they are feeling well. My goal is to help them prevent recurrent episodes, by establishing regular sleep-wake patterns, dealing with life stresses with talk therapy, avoiding destabilizing drugs and medications, and finding the right combination of medications; for most, older cheaper generic medications are preferable to new expensive ones. Never give up hope while you are feeling down; remember that downs have a beginning and end.
(4) Sammy Tanner, February 23, 2020 2:31 PM
Informative
This is a good article.
(3) Anonymous, February 23, 2020 2:07 PM
More awareness of this disease in young teenage girls is so important for those around them and themselves to understand so the child can be embraced, loved, and understood, instead of feared, misinformed, and distanced.
(2) Juliet, February 23, 2020 1:21 PM
Wow!
Hi Sarah I just went on to aish.com & and their you were in front of me I enjoyed reading your article over lunch well done and don't forget to book some me time with Esme :)
(1) Anonymous, February 23, 2020 9:14 AM
Sara, thank you for writing this piece which is so honest and real. Thank you for writing this to give us all a window into a world many try to distance themselves from. Wishing you continued success on your journey. Your piece really inspired me.