Right after the birth of my eldest son 15 years ago, I started suffering from post-partum depression. Symptoms ranged from incredibly disturbing dreams to apathy and a general misery that would just not lift. Looking back, I think that I have always suffered from depression and perhaps if I had been more self-aware, I would have realized this and that I was at a higher risk of developing PPD. I think that the shock of being responsible for a new life, the exhaustion and sleep deprivation conspired against me to make the depression worse than it would have been otherwise.
When my son was six months old, I consulted with a psychiatrist who said that I had to stop breast-feeding immediately and start with a regimen of antidepressants. Thus began my psychotropic journey. Over the years I tried various medications which eased the symptoms and took the edge off the intense feelings. But there was always a heavy price to pay for my sanity. I experienced various side effects from weight loss to apathy when I was over-medicated.
I had to accept medication as part of my daily life.
There were periods of time when I tried to live drug-free. But inevitably, both the withdrawal from the drugs plus the lack of dopamine in my brain forced me to accept that to function in society I had to accept medication as part of my daily life. But I never stopped hoping that one day I would successfully manage to live drug-free.
So about eighteen months ago, I decided to try again. I first consulted with a psychiatrist. I then started weaning myself off Cipralex very very slowly. Within a few short days, I turned into a raging lunatic, yelling hysterically at my children way too often. I felt out of control. I found myself crying often, for no apparent reason. I also stopped sleeping. And yet I kept going, yearning to know that I was capable of living an unmedicated life. I wanted it desperately and I really thought that if I persevered despite these turbulent feelings, I would find a way to go off my meds.
In the midst of all this, two things happened. We were notified that the apartment which we had bought years before ‘on paper’ was ready for us and we could move in within a few short weeks. And I was hospitalized for acute appendicitis on a Shabbos and had to undergo emergency surgery alone (my husband was with our kids in a different city).
The doctors told me that I had to be extremely careful not to lift anything even slightly heavy because I would put myself at risk of developing a hernia and that would necessitate yet another operation. At the same time, I also needed to pack up the contents of our apartment where we had lived for a decade and had accumulated a lot of stuff.
A week after my operation, I descended into hell. I could not stop crying. I could not fall asleep. And when I did fall asleep, I could not stay asleep. I was incredibly anxious. The seconds of each minute passed slowly as I experienced what was essentially a panic attack that spanned a few weeks. Words cannot begin to explain the agony.
Mental illness is like an intruder; it attacks at any time and often gives no warning of the impending storm.
I consulted a psychiatrist and began taking Welbutrin, a different medication. Unfortunately, this just exacerbated the intense obsessive thoughts until one night I was so hysterical that I had to be admitted to a psychiatric facility. Thankfully, they deemed my state of mind to be not worthy of admission. The on-duty doctor recommended that I stop taking Welbutrin immediately because I was clearly very allergic to it, that I urgently consult with my psychiatrist about taking an alternative medication and most importantly, that I find a therapist
I took this medical advice to heart because I could not imagine living like that anymore. Following a course of therapy and medication, I slowly ascended from the depths of the hell of my mental illness.
I wish I could give you a happy ending. Unfortunately I still suffer from depression and I probably always will. I have quite a way to go in terms of my mental health. That being said, I am incomparably different to who I was a year ago. I can go grocery shopping without erupting into tears at the till. I have not had a panic attack since then. I am a better wife and a far more stable parent.
Mental illness is like an intruder; it attacks at any time and often gives no warning of the impending storm. The people you least imagine, the people with the picture-perfect Instagram feed and glorious-looking lives, some of them are struggling with the same demons. A small group of trusted people might know the truth while everyone else sees the impeccable facade.
What helped me get through this gut-wrenching time was God, my family and friends, and my doctor and therapist. Thank God I live in an age where we have access to a variety of medical interventions. My friends and family took my endless calls, listening as I raged and wept, and my doctor and therapist demonstrated endless patience and kindness in its truest form. And when I am not in agony, I consider myself to be eternally blessed for every second of my life.
(22) Anonymous, September 11, 2019 9:29 AM
Are you married?
Also, while the suffering is terrible, as others commented that it may not be noticed behind the facade, the spouse and family suffer much more quietly than one who G-d forbid had a recognized disease. Unpredictable days and nights, meals, laundry, etc. etc. NOT by the FAULT of the emotionally diseased, but yes, because of them. I ask where is the spousal appreciation here, because I was burnt by that omission. Some time ago, I was very badly served by an organization and a well meaning mentor of my wife. They stepped in through a family members urging, to help during a difficult few weeks between us after an episode that had her hospitalized. They mostly dealt with her (in her affceted state!) asking, listening, and subsequently advising her to go to Rabbonim to look into possibly getting divorced. What they didn't focus on was the decade plus of care I'd given her before and that I was also suffering at that moment and not my optimal self. Thank G-d when I realized the damage, they quickly disappeared (with no apolgioes to date) leaving us to heal together with a stronger outlook for the future. That is why I ask you and advise: SPOUSES! please find place in your mind to process appreciation and EXPRESS words and actions of gratitude to your partner who's daily dreams of a peaceful home were crushed and she/he stays by you and supports you, even if not always cheerfully, your gratitude may change their life, and then yours.
(21) Anonymous, September 11, 2019 8:27 AM
Are you married?
Your story is so painful to read, and thosecommenting on your personal accounts, medical regimen or definition of psychiatric pain should be VERY careful about passing judgmentunless they have specific experience with exactly YOUR experience. Just if I may ask, Are you married? As a husband of post partum bi-polar wife, with subsequent and hellish relapses, I personally would have appreciated seeing a few positive sentences about your spouse. While some certain people and organizations like to say "lift the stigma it's an illness like any other", mental illnes - while probably very close to what Hell looks like I.e. unescapable mental/emotinal non physical pain- very very difficult also for the marrige partner. And while this like any other illness needs support from family, the nature of emotional distress is that it consumes the suffered ones mind d, not leaving space to appreciate the caregivers and very importantly, being emotionally empaired have less of a capacity to recognize good, favors, or express appreciation like a bedridden person might.
(20) Anonymous, September 10, 2019 4:59 PM
Day by day, doing what you can, and allowing HaShem in --
Life is not simple. You sound like your difficulties are deep and so hard. I've had similar things, but not as difficult as yours. Somehow, day by day, I continued on. Sometimes things seemed to be looking up, but only for a while. Many people, professionals and others, tried to help. Some helped a bit, some more, some not at all. The last person who tried to help, combined with some other stuff I was doing, helped much more than he knew, and I'm very grateful to him. I function, I go day by day, sometimes I see some light, some actual inner joy. What a gift!
(19) Anonymous, September 10, 2019 4:28 AM
Thank you
Thank you for your bravery and honesty. "A shared pain becomes half a pain" and I'm sure many will be relieved from knowing they are not alone.
(18) Kathy Gill, September 10, 2019 1:45 AM
God bless you
Thank you for baring your soul and sharing your journey. You've had hard times but they show just how strong you are. May God bless you in everything you do. May He hold you gently in the palm of His great hand.
(17) E Wilson Leeds England, September 10, 2019 12:40 AM
A True Story - A real Eye-Opener on Depression.
Some 20 years ago as a new patient I joined a very large Medical Practice in Leeds, England. It was rumoured to be the largest in Leeds, and was certainly super-busy. They had thousands of patients. Dr Caring was appointed my physician, and she quickly diagnosed I had Depression and acquainted me with Serotonin intake and how it needs to be increased, so I was prescribed a number of medicines by her, all of which required visiting the Surgery often to be monitored and 'cared for' by her'.Medical treatment is free in the UK, I was treat for a long, long time. Then I got a letter saying the Practice had been sold and the original Doctors and founders had all retired. The new doctors made a lot of changes including firing a lot of receptionists and reducing office staff numbers. I met one of the old receptionists in the local supermarket and we spoke, I asked her what had became of Dr Caring, she laughed and informed me that she had had over 500 men on her books all being treat for depression, and there was nothing wrong with them, her exact words were "She Had the silly buggers eating out of her hand; and when she left everyone of them miraculously got cured?" Needless to say everyone of these original doctors were multi-millionaires, and the new owners were not very happy with their purchase. Taking a guess I'd say their is at least 20 human illnesses that cannot be cured and treating these is a Gold Mine throughout the world for all doctors. An American doctor wrote a book in 1970 exposing these frauds, it certainly made interesting reading. Its title was along the line of Truth in Medicine. Does anyone recall this book and its correct title, I 'd sure like to read it again.
(16) karen, September 9, 2019 9:31 PM
depression
Thank you for your article I also suffer from depression and it is really bad I have no quality of life Meds dont help Therapy doesnt help. My life is just waiting. Waiting to go back to bed for the night, waiting for dinner ( which is hard to do I have lost my appetite and my sense of taste so I eat for the nutrition, but iit s mostly stress eating and eating is something to do) I cant seem to do anything I just cant focus and process I try to read but it is hard staying with the content. I managed to get something out of your article.
Now I will just go and wait for bedtime and get those few hours of relief. I am so lost. I wish i could do more but I have no interest, no feelings and I just dont care. I struggle through the day. If anyone wants to write me I would welcome any response. I am so lonely I do see friends but that is hard to, I have trouble following conversations I get so lost I just pray to HAShem all the time for help. HAShem is the only ONE who can help me Thank you for letting me share. This is the most I have written
Anonymous, September 11, 2019 3:17 AM
I’d like to help!
Hello Karen,
Thank you for sharing something so hard and personal. You sound like an incredibly deep and honest human being. I would like to reach out to you as a friend...I won’t put too much on here but sometimes, meeting or making that new friend can do much more than you think!
Please reach out if you’re feeling up to it!
Chai813@gmail.com
Stay strong!!
Klaudya, September 12, 2019 12:44 AM
There is hope
Dear Karen,
I can understand a little about your feelings, my daughter (27)suffers from depression/ anxiety, and panic attack, along with a heart issue that it doesn’t help her mental state.
You are very brave sharing your story, and cooking is the one thing that can make our days fun, even if a little, as you mention we have the added benefits of nutrition.
Keep a routine for your prayers, (that has keep my sanity in the middle of all this chaos) even if in a moment you feel that is no point, even if you feel tired, stick to it. If you pray Tehillim, there are different combinations of Psalms that can give you strength in a moment. My favorites Psalm 91, 27,2024,29.
You can have your own combination with the ones that you feel more reflected. #119 is also amazing.
Get exercise, anything you like, even at home, but the best will be to go to gym or yoga studio if that is possible. Also get adequate sleep.
I don’t know where are you located, but this web sites have professional information that can support you;
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20356007
https://www.canmat.org/
May Hashem Bless you with all your heart desires for good.
(15) Anonymous, September 9, 2019 6:09 PM
why not men
Why do women get to write about their depression and not men? I have been through almost all the psychotropic drugs for depression and none helped. I am no better off without them than with them. I rage, I scream I often cry and I am too much of a coward to commit suicide, though I think about it often.
Anonymous, September 11, 2019 3:22 AM
You are not a coward
In no way are you a coward! You are someone with such a deep desire to get help and get better who simply hasn’t gotten there yet! While I’m not a professional, I am wondering if I could be of any help at all...just as someone who can be supportive and help you in any way I can. If you’re feeling up to it, please please reach out!
Chai813@gmail.com
(14) Anonymous, September 9, 2019 5:10 PM
Support
It sounds as if you have alot of people who care about you and want you to get "better." Not everyone has a support network. Medications contain a sense of hope. Not all medications work for everyone. It's a merry-go-round. You're functioning and that counts. For myself, Lighting Shabbos Candles was the one time in the week that I felt any joy. Thank you for sharing your brave story.
(13) Jay B. "Yaakov" Abrams, September 9, 2019 5:06 PM
Yasher koach!
Yasher koach to have the courage to share your tortured story with the world. May HaShem grant you and your family great mental health, peace, and solace.
(12) Yael, September 9, 2019 2:32 PM
Anyone would go mad from such a situation!
How could you possibly pack up the house by yourself and not lift? I'm not saying you could get off meds but you might be helped by going for therapy and learning how to ask for help. Like telling your husband, "There's no way I can do this. I'm not allowed to lift. You have to come back and pack up the house." Then, he needs to call friends, family, an organization, anyone, or many anyones, and get them to take the kids for a few days so he can come back and pack up. Or he needs to get people or an organization to do the packing. Or pay someone to do it. Or, if your husband isn't capable of doing the above, you have to learn to call people and ask for help. Family, friends, an organization. If they say no, try someone else. As much help as you need.
That's just my opinion, though I'm not a professional! I think you need to learn to ask for and get the help you need. You might still need the meds but at least it's a start.
Best of luck to you!
(11) Anonymous, September 9, 2019 12:22 PM
wow
I wish you to feel clearly Hashems loving hand each day. for calmness to take over and for you to feel the love and beauty all around you to support you. You are very courageous and thank you for sharing your story. You are stronger than you know but your story shows this.
(10) miriam adahan, September 9, 2019 7:06 AM
I have a system to help people manage depression without meds.
B"H
Please write to me. I went through something similar and learned to manage my symptoms without meds, but with a very strict diet and nutritional supplements that raise BOTH serotonin and dopamine naturally. I am happy to send you my pamphlet that describes how I stay balanced. It's free. I'm happy to share it with others. New mothers need a lot of sleep and proper nutrition, which is difficult in this modern society.
Anonymous, September 10, 2019 4:13 AM
Dearest Miriam, does your pamphlet include information about...
... how a so-called counselor testifies in court against a client? Would be interesting reading, for me at least.
Klaudya, September 12, 2019 3:00 AM
How can I get your pamphet?
Hello Miriam,
it is so uplifting that you are better with diet and supplements, please let us know how we can get the information-I would like to try it for my daughter!
Many Blessings
Klaudya, September 17, 2019 1:06 AM
I think I found you
I apologized I didn't know you were this prolific author. thanks for sharing.
(9) Reuven Frank, September 9, 2019 3:45 AM
You ARE Brave
Tracy
Thank you very much for sharing your story.
More people need to do so, so that we can slowly but surely break the stigma around mental illness.
I have clinical depression and mild bipolarism.
But
Just like I take meds for my other conditions, I take them for my depression.
Medicine to lower my blood pressure.
A statin to lower my cholesterol, and
An SSRT to raise my serotonin level.
That's when we'll know that we've overcome the stigma entirely:
when those statements really ARE acceptable truisms.
Meanwhile,
Keep on Keeping on!
Best of Luck,
-Reuven
(8) Rachel, September 9, 2019 3:11 AM
Other health conditions can exacerbate depression
Depression is not the same as sadness or anger, although those may be symptoms. I am a stroke survivor, and the damage to my brain caused depressed feelings even though I was happy and grateful to have survived. The worst thing to tell someone suffering is that they should just cheer up and get over it.
(7) Anonymous, September 9, 2019 1:36 AM
multimodal
While it's hard to get around the trial and error approach of finding the most optimal medication regimen, we are fortunate to have a large selection of agents which are effective and well tolerated by many patients. Also genetic testing may be a useful guide as well as combining with certain supplements, TMS treatment and even Bach flower remedies. And kudos for keeping gratitude and Hashem in the picture always!
(6) Shlomo elspas, September 9, 2019 1:26 AM
You are courageous
רפואה שלימה, sister.
(5) Arnold Robbins MD, September 8, 2019 10:36 PM
Regards....
It has been ab awful experience. I know personally and from my work in Psychiatry how hard it is. I wish you the strength and confidence to find your way through the sad times. We are all worth some joy and happiness in this life.
(4) Anonymous, September 8, 2019 6:00 PM
Not the same as diabetes
https://www.kevinmd.com/blog/2014/08/stop-comparing-depression-diabetes.html
2 coments have compared diabetes to depression, and this blog post by a pediatrician explains the caution in doing so. The comments disturbed me so I found a link. I think it's important to be accurate so as not to mislead people. There is no blood test, CT scan, or x-ray to diagnose mental illness; the DSM is a collection of symptoms originally created for research purposes. To suggest the comparison to diabetes is accurate negates tools like meditation, talk therapies, stress management. This is not to suggest medication is not important for some, but it is not the same as diabetes.
Anonymous, September 12, 2019 12:47 AM
Thank you
Thank you for the clarification
(3) Helaine zack, September 8, 2019 4:48 PM
Mental Health is a treatable disease
I dislike your terminology that "mental illness is like an intruder." It is a treatable disease just like diabetes. Like any illness, one has to accept it first and be willing to treat it holistically through, diet, exercise, reducing stressors and consistently taking medication if warranted. Your comments stigmatize this disease.
Nancy, September 8, 2019 5:17 PM
To commenter Helaine Zack
I respectfully disagree that the author has stigmatized this disease. She is discussing her own, painful experience.
Anonymous, September 8, 2019 7:24 PM
you're not right..
i have major depressive disorder, and major anxiety disorder and anorexia..I'm 65 years old...and I have suffered my whole life..
Yes, it is treatable, but for many, including myself, medicines are not always helpful....the side effects of psychotropic drugs are often pretty horrible...
there is so much trial and error.....when being prescribed meds..
there are meds that work wonders on some and for others, those same meds can make them into zombies, or even worse.
the author doesn't have to stigmatize mental illness, because even in this day and age....society stigmatizes mental illness..
yes, it's like diabetes or heart disease or any other disease....but most are leery of admitting they feel depressed, anxious, have horrible thoughts and more...
I married, had two daughters....i have 5 beautiful young granddaughters...but mental illness has intruded in my life to the point that it has stolen my life....
taken away my potentials, because mental illness, especially when untreated or resistant-to-treatment sucks the living life out of you and projects you into a never-ending battle to survive each and everyday....
and pray for the best..
plus, i will add....there are all different degrees of depression, anxiety, etc...it's not a one-symptom-fits-all-illness....
again, i speak from experience.....my experience and those close to me whom have and are suffering from mental illness..
Reuven Frank, September 9, 2019 3:40 AM
You're correct
The truth is that psychotropic meds only help about 70% of depressed people.
I'm very sorry, otoh, that you have suffered so severely.
OTOH, I am very INSPIRED that you have beat it down and overcome and functioned as well as you obviously (from your letter), have.
Mental disease is insidious and there are ways to overcome it and deal with it.
Gratitude books. Laughter. Pictures of your grandchildren.
(Rav Pliskin's "Gateways to Happiness" helped me a lot but cognitive therapy isn't for everyone either.)
I really DON'T mean these as platitudes.
I also have clinical depression and mild bipolarism but I'm one of the lucky 70%.
But, until we settled on my current antidepressant I went through more than six others and had hospitalizations and other crises.
Still, there ARE things you can try.
I can speak with you, if you like and hereby give Aish permission to release my email address for you to be in contact.
Meanwhile, Best of Luck every day.
One Day at a Time.
And sometimes I needed it to be "one foot in front of the other" at a time.
Be well, Take care, Feel good, All the Best
-Reuven
Klaudya, September 16, 2019 6:53 PM
not so much black and white
I don't think the author is stigmatizing mental illness. To the contrary, she is sharing her own painful experience.Mental illness is a topic that is seldom discussed as open as it should be, and most importantly, people with mental illness are not always treated with the same considerations that people with a somatic illness are treated.No matter how much awareness is out there,part of the society still see it as if the patient have some control over it. While I am agree with you, that nutrition, exercise, avoiding stress can help some people,
like myself, that battled reactive depression, for other patients is not the case.I have witnessed first hand my daughter's struggles, with PTSD and anxiety and breaks my heart to see how much she tried; after a while, one thing lead to another, relationship failed, undergrad unfinished,(3.5 GPA) where was the support in her school? bottom line, to compare diabetes with mental illness is just not the right comparison.
Anonymous, September 18, 2019 4:30 AM
That is sadly so incorrect
Diabetes is no comparison!
It's extremely difficult to live with, but the cause and affects and eelffectsvare so much more mathmatic.
This is personal, situational, reactional, and hormonal.
Do you have personal experience with taking xyz and blam, all the depression is gone?
Why do people say these things?
(2) Laura, September 8, 2019 12:15 PM
Tracy, thank you for having the strength and courage to share your journey with others. You are wished well.
(1) Anonymous, September 8, 2019 10:43 AM
Tracy, you're one brave woman!
Tracy, it is so heartwarming and inspiring to read about how you're arrived at self-acceptance! Many of us need that. It can be so hard to accept ourselves, imperfections and all. Your efforts to wean yourself from medication was not in vain. You went through a trial, trying your best to give yourself every possible chance until you came to the logical conclusion that G-d's plan for you is that you really do need medication. You had the guts to go through the process and the wisdom to reach this more stable place of acceptance. Your physioligocal need to taking medication in order to fulfill your task in life as best as possible is no different than others needing to take insulin for diabetes. You, I and they are not defective! No one is perfect. Some others need to work hard to overcome character flaws; no medication will help them do that. We each have our personal work of self-improvement cut out for us, and if some of us need medication to become our best selves, then so be it.