When Daniel, my husband-to-be, first met me he thought I was pretty and smart, and as an added bonus, I wasn’t Jewish.
He didn’t want a Jewish girl because he’d had some negative experiences with religion growing up. So he dated non-Jews and never wanted to get married.
I was a blond haired, blue-eyed girl from a WASP background who was always attracted to Jewish men and mostly had Jewish friends. I’d even done Passover Seder with my first serious boyfriend when I was 16.
In the first few months of dating, Daniel and I were living a modern-day millennial fairytale. We lived in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, the hipster mecca, where we’d go out for brunch at the French café down the block, or grab a coffee at one of the many specialty roasters around the neighborhood. We’d frequent comedy shows and raised a rooster and a chicken in our backyard. We’d stay up until the sun rose, watching Woody Allen movies on his couch and talking about our hopes and dreams. We quickly fell in love.
And then one day, while on a train to Coney Island to spend a perfect Saturday on the beach, the topic of marriage came up. I was only 21 and not ready for it, and Daniel and I had only dated for a little while at that point, but I did see myself marrying him sometime in the future.
I won’t marry a non-Jewish girl,” he told me. “Then why are you dating me?”
He quickly squashed that idea. “I won’t marry a non-Jewish girl,” he told me.
I told him that didn’t make any sense. “Then why are you dating me?”
“I don’t want to get married,” he replied, “so it’s a moot point. And I love you, so don’t worry. Nothing else really matters.”
I thought: What does Daniel have against marriage? And why couldn’t marriage and love just conquer all those rigid traditions? Can’t he just love and accept me for me? Why would I have to change for him when he isn’t even religious?
It didn’t get any better when I learned that his family was unhappy with him dating a non-Jew. I just didn’t get it. Black people married white people. Catholics married Protestants. But a Jew couldn’t marry a non-Jew? What made Judaism so special? I was determined to show Daniel that our different religious upbringings didn’t matter, and that eventually we could and should get married, no matter what.
Daniel and I were broke – very broke, in fact – during those first few months together, so he suggested we go and get a free meal at a place called Chabad on a Friday night. He had me at “free.”
That Friday night, something inside of me was sparked. (The pintele yid that I had no idea I had?) I was inspired by the rabbi’s words, the warmth around the dinner table, and the love the rabbi and his wife showed everyone who wanted a meal and a Shabbat experience. I was hooked and wanted Daniel to take me back week after week.
I started delving into Judaism, attending Torah classes and eventually, I decided to undergo an Orthodox conversion. I spent five years studying, taking on mitzvot like observing Shabbat, dressing modestly, praying every day, and eating kosher. I studied in seminary in Jerusalem and moved to an Orthodox Jewish neighborhood in Los Angeles.
Throughout my conversion, as I took on more, I slowly moved further and further away from “old” self. I felt as if my soul was awakening. I had gone from not believing anything to believing in one God, from eating bacon a few times a week to not eating any non-kosher food, from wearing leggings every day to switching over to skirts, and from always being worried about my life to trusting in God that it was all going to work out.
I also finally understood why it was so important for Daniel to marry a Jewish girl. Even though Daniel had strayed far away from Judaism in his youth, he yearned to become observant again. He wanted to ensure that we, as a couple, would raise our children with a love for Judaism and that it would continue that way for generations.
Eventually, sometime during my conversion process, Daniel decided that he did indeed want to marry me. Before he dated me, he hadn’t met anyone he wanted to marry and he told me I changed his mind.
Daniel and I have been married and I’ve been a fully practicing Jew for three years. I’ve been thinking about what I would do if our future son or daughter wanted to be with a non-Jew. That would be a very tough conversation, considering my past. I haven’t yet come to a conclusion about what I would say.
But I do know what I will do: Raise our children in a warm home, ensure they have an in-depth and vibrant Jewish education, show them that same kindness and love that the Chabad rabbi and many family members and friends have shown me, and do our best to instill a sense of Jewish pride in them. I hope that after all that, they will see how beautiful Judaism is and choose to stay. I hope that they will raise their children in a similar way, continue to carry on our amazing meaningful traditions, and do their part to guarantee the future of the Jewish people.
(17) Sabena, April 16, 2019 1:32 PM
Amazing!
How did your family feel? How did his family accept you?
(16) Laya, May 12, 2018 12:53 AM
Keep shining
Beautiful story of awakening, both yours and your husband's. I'm sure your story will touch many. Keep shining!!
(15) Anonymous, May 11, 2018 10:24 AM
Observance of a Jewish Convert; outstanding
Really is a great story and very inspirational. I love when Aish is willing to print a story and mention Chabad. It makes me love Aish and Chabad that much more. Two amazing organizations who really serve many different audiences and many the same. So many Jews unaffiliated there is plenty of room for both and with similar approaches and I love when they do things together. Another great message of unity for all Jews to see. Great messages, great love, great caring. Thank you Kylie, you help us non-Orthodox take on more mitzvah's yiddle by yiddle, as the Great Rabbi Shlomo Schwartz used to say of blessed memory.
(14) elchonon, May 11, 2018 8:57 AM
Marrying out
"I’ve been thinking about what I would do if our future son or daughter wanted to be with a non-Jew. That would be a very tough conversation, considering my past. I haven’t yet come to a conclusion about what I would say."
This is a lovely article, but i don't see the authors confusion on this point, as im sure the author understands very well, judaism is not about our feelings rather our duties, and if someone leaves the path and marries out we have a clear precedent in the torah that this person is considered dead to us we sit shiva for him he is allowed no honours in the synagogue irrespective of his background.
(13) Anon, May 10, 2018 3:06 PM
What about Jewish women who can’t find Jewish men?
As a 36 single year old who lives in the NY metro area I feel a mix of emotions reading this article. I never thought I would still be single and unmarried at this age. Being a reform - Conservative raised Jew with longings to be more religious yet feeling Orthodox men won’t consider me and the non religious men are on Tinder looking for non-Jewish men , I have had an impossible time. I don’t want to date non-jewish men because often they don’t have the same values and obviously lack Yiddishkeit. The fact that so many reform- Conservative Jewish men are on Tinder instead of a Jdate or Jswipe is soo tragic and does it not say in the Torah from Gd almighty that this is wrong and the ultimate sin? No one likes to talk about the consequence this has on Jewish women. That these men are forcing us either to struggle in our dating lives or remain single.
zehava, May 10, 2018 6:54 PM
not comfortable with this article
I agree with you.. I am totally not comfortable with this article and the message that came across to me is that is ok to date out of the faith - its completely not ok. There are sadly lots of amazing jewish women out there who cannot find a jewish man and making it fine and fun to date outside the faith is just making the problem much worse
Jane L, May 12, 2018 7:16 PM
Don't resent, and don't limit yourself.
As someone past the marriageable stage of life, I would recommend that you forget about criticizing the choice of others, and concentrate on building your own happiness. Date good men, regardless of their religion, while making it clear you will raise your children Jewishly. You will be surprised how many men, whether they convert or not, will support your desire for a Jewish home and family.
Kingsdaughter613, May 12, 2020 2:02 PM
That’s because you’re forgetting: your spouse is determined forty days before your birth (or conception; it’s a debate.) God puts us together. We only think we’re involved.
Obviously, this man’s zivug was born a non-Jew. They had to go this unusual route to find one another. Sometimes the ages are vastly different; I know a few girls who married men that were in high school when they started dating, and many more boys who can say the same.
I also know one couple who got married decades after they met, after they had both married and divorced other people. They bumped into each other and immediately reconnected. Clearly, they weren’t supposed to get together the first time.
If you believe God controls the world, then there is no reason to worry about yenem’s dating practices. When the time and place is right, you’ll find your zivug. And there is nothing that anyone does that can prevent that.
(12) Chaya Lam, May 10, 2018 1:28 PM
I really enjoyed this article. I feel it is open, honest & warm. I would want people I know who are unaffiliated & considering opting out to read this Thanks for sharing!
(11) Richard, May 10, 2018 1:26 PM
Beautiful piece.
It would be a great experience for you and your husband to read The Book of Ruth! It is one of the most beautiful stories of Ruth, a convert and her experiences.
Carol, May 10, 2018 4:36 PM
The book of Ruth
The Book of Ruth is one of the most beautiful books in the Bible. Love conquers All! <3
(10) Bracha, May 9, 2018 10:56 PM
Thanks for sharing!
What a beautiful story. Everything happens just as G-d plans!
(9) Kathi Johnson Rock, May 9, 2018 4:58 AM
What A Great Story!
I deeply admire this young woman for what she decided and accomplished at such a very young age. She did not convert to Judaism because she wanted to marry a Jewish man but because she discovered it for herself. This is the type of commitment that will be an asset to the Jewish community. While there are many born Jewish women out there who have so much to offer, for whatever reason, this man did not connect with them. I would never expect someone to marry someone just because they were Jewish and for no other reason. Isn't it better that he married someone who came to accept Judaism and converted versus a non-Jewish woman who was not interested (or even a Jewish woman who was not interested in Judaism)? Now their children will be Jewish and this adds to the richness and numbers of the Jewish community. There are so many positives in this story and we must celebrate those! I wish this family all the best!!
(8) Tom, May 8, 2018 9:30 PM
Cool Story
A lovely story and do keep us informed about children and their choices later.
(7) M., May 8, 2018 6:50 PM
It seems to me that the guy in the story was initially using the girl to "sow his wild oats" and eventually leave her when a more suitable (Jewish) candidate came along. It is sad really.
Anonymous, May 9, 2018 10:55 PM
He said he never wanted to get married, so like a lot of other guys, he dated whoever. I don't think he was using her until someone else came along.
(6) Shlomo Elspas, May 8, 2018 6:28 PM
B"H
Mazal tov, sister! Welcome aboard. BTW the Torah teaches that your neshama was always Jewish; it just got misplaced some generations back.
(5) Mark, May 8, 2018 4:14 PM
Man plans. G-d laughs
Beautiful and heartwarming. I believe it happened just as G-d planned for both of you. Sometimes I think that some orthodox Jews are hoping that G-d serves them the life they dreamed of, instead of the one HE has for them.
This dreaming by man can be the cause of a lot of misery for the children of some orthodox Jews who refuse to believe that their children have addiction and need professional help and other imperfect issues.
(4) Jody, May 8, 2018 2:07 PM
Great story!
(3) Stanley Tee, May 8, 2018 2:05 PM
You have nothing to worry about!
With your commitment to bring your children up as Jews, with a Jewish education, I believe you can look forward to unending nachas from them and your future Jewish grandchildren. It's the lack of Jewish education that has led to the loss of so many young Jews today. And that's why I want to thank you for living up to your own ideals.
(2) Anonymous, May 8, 2018 12:54 AM
I read this article with mixed feelings.
I read this article with very mixed feelings. I am happy that the writer found that she connected to Judaism and converted with a whole heart. On the other hand, I am angry with this young man, and so many others like him, that feel they have to run after non-Jewish women. There are so many lovely,kind, beautiful Jewish women that are waiting to meet their bashert. I find this very sad and wish these young men were raised differently. It is very good, a mitzvah, to welcome the convert into our midst but it is at the expense of our daughters, and I am sorry, but that cannot be right. Like I stated before, this article produced very mixed feelings. I wish everyone only the best.
Anonymous, May 8, 2018 3:18 PM
Those daughters are expenses by living in a generation that doesn’t value Jewish identity
Only when dating a non Jew do the parents wake up. These Geriim are righteous Jews and full members of the Jewish people and dare I say remind us of who we are
Anonymous, May 8, 2018 4:21 PM
Nothing is at the expense of anything else
For one thing, on the face of it, Daniel would not have even gone out with a Jewish girl, much less married one, had he not met the writer. So you don't have to worry that she married him at the expense of our daughters...
Secondly, since we're dealing here with bashert, what are you worried about? We make our efforts and everything works out the way it's supposed to.
Thirdly, given that the writer is (now) a pure Jewess - had Daniel not married her, would it have been at the expense of our daughter the writer?? No! She is one of us totally, and just like we do not bemoan Miriam's wedding because it's not Shira's, so too we are happy with every Jewish wedding and construction of a new bayit ne'eman in Israel!
Kol tuv to you and everyone else!
Anonymous, May 10, 2018 2:06 PM
so true
so true. it's not a popular opinion, but sadly very real
Anonymous, May 12, 2020 2:20 PM
God decides who we will marry before we are born. HE puts us together, in the right time and place, and nothing and no one can stop it.
This young man could have dated 1000 FFB girls and not connected with any of them. Meanwhile, this woman could have found another way to Judaism. Someone somewhere would have suggested it, and they would still have found each other and been married. Because that’s what bashert means.
I’ve seen people find their bashert through the most insane circumstances. The man who met his wife when he hit her with his car. The one who’s sister created an online web profile, which was promptly forgotten, only to receive one suggestion years later - the right one. The couple that abruptly split when they were young, only to find each other DECADES later. (They has both been married and divorced in the interim.) I have a cousin who got married because a snow storm shut down NYC for a few days, and he and his wife connected via text when they hadn’t in person. (Prior to this they had not planned to continue dating.) God shut down the city so they could get together!
On the sadder side: several people who would not have dated their spouse had they known information that came to light (with neither knowing previously) later, such as fertility issues, or a health diagnosis shortly after the wedding. Others refused to date their future spouse due to some issue (broken home, broken engagement, etc.) then did so later, when they were no longer as picky.
I’ve also known a few girls who married men who were high schoolers, or even middle schoolers!, when they started dating. If your zivug is six years younger, and he doesn’t start dating until he’s 23, and you start at eighteen, you won’t meet until you’re almost thirty..
God makes shidduchim. We aren’t involved. When the time and place is right, we find our zivug.
(1) Fay, May 7, 2018 3:13 PM
How inspiring!
I am blown away by Kylie's inner strength! I hope that Hashem will grant you healthy children and that they will grow up to be ehrliche Jews! Kol HaKovod!!!