“I need to be transparent with you,” my husband said. And I froze.
Those dreaded words. Those honored words. Those words that I’ve heard time and time again.
I’ve heard them at times in my life where my neatly stacked house of cards would wobble and threaten to completely come crashing down. I have heard those words at times when I didn’t know if I even had the strength and courage within me to get through that very moment.
Those words, genuine and vulnerable as they are, honest and gentle as they may sound, always felt like a punch in my stomach, almost taking my breath away as I would wait for the rest of the bomb to fall.
“I gave in to my craving and watched porn,” he said.
Silence. What exactly is one supposed to say? “Thanks for being so honest and transparent with me”?
All I wanted to do was scream and yell like a child, “Nooo! It’s not fair!”
“I need to be transparent with you." Just a few words and my entire world felt like it was caving in. Crushing me.
Again.
My hopes, my dreams, my trust... shattered. Anger. Sadness. Loneliness filling its place.
I was married for 4 years, with two children when I found out about my husband's porn addiction. I didn't think we stood a chance to pull through the storm.
I was 24 years old, married for 4 years, with two children in tow and I was pregnant with a third when I found out about my husband's porn addiction. My world turned upside down and it became very dark at that time in my life. In my extreme pain I miscarried the baby I was carrying.
What was the point? I assumed that we did not stand a chance to pull through the storm.
I sat in front of rabbis and therapists and begged, pleaded, for an easy way out. It would be easier to throw in the towel on our marriage. After all, I didn’t sign up for this!
It’s been almost two decades now. Two decades of this life of mine, being married to a porn addict. An addict in recovery.
Day in and day out I have chosen to stay. And that has been the best decision I've ever made in my entire life. I’ve been through all the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Yes, of course my situation comes with the pain and discomfort of holding onto fears, trauma, and uncertainty... I constantly need to keep my anger and ego in check. It takes work. And loads of faith.
Working on myself to do what I can do and let go of anything else that is not in my control. “Let go and let God” as is famously often quoted from the 12 Step Program. My husband quotes from that program often; it's his second bible. Learning what I can do to be a support to him, trusting myself in knowing when to ask questions, when to be involved, or when to turn a blind eye. Learning to practice self care and compassion with myself was and still is crucial. Learning how to live a beautiful and full life within this reality of mine.
Learning how to fully trust again. Live again. Respect him. Love him. It is possible.
Learning how to fully trust again. Live again. Respect him. Love him. It is possible.
The worry never completely goes away but at times it fades into the backdrop of life. And sometimes, even for a few moments, I can almost forget all of these woes of mine and feel even ‘normal’. Yes, it is a life that I never signed up for. A path that I had no interest nor expectation to venture down. But this package that God gave me was by no means a mistake. It has been a path filled with tremendous opportunities for growth. Laughter and tears. Pain and joy. Growth and evolution that I never would have expected was possible for myself, and that I wouldn’t give back for anything in the world.
Seeing firsthand the hard work involved in the recovery process, I am filled with complete awe and admiration for this man and for anyone taking their recovery seriously. I have so much respect for his path to recovery. I am proud to stand by my husband's side and walk humbly next to him. We’ve been through a lot together, the ups and downs of life. We are raising a strong Jewish family side by side and I wouldn’t want to do it with anyone else in the world but him.
Our sages have told us that you cannot judge someone until you’ve walked in his shoes. I can never understand the strong desires he has towards things that may harm him. It’s beyond my scope of understanding. I have weeded out all the judgment I once carried, and throughout the years of watching him work so hard on his recovery work I have replaced the judgment with support and respect.
We all have our issues. We might each have our own “addictions” or drugs of choice that we turn to when we are not in our best emotional place. It’s part of the human condition. We all have our work cut out for us in the years that we've been allotted. We are all works in progress.
I think I reached a turning point this past Yom Kippur. I was praying to God, asking Him to grant me another year. I looked at my husband who was standing in front of me, deep in prayer, and my prayer took on a different direction. I said, “God, look at him and how far he has come. He works so hard on himself. He never stops fighting the battle of his yetzer hara, the evil inclination. He has years of sobriety under his belt. He is your devoted servant in every way. You, God will give me another year of life, not because I necessarily deserve it on my own account, but because he deserves happiness and we deserve each other.” And I never felt so confident in any prayer I have prayed in my entire life!
For all those people who are living in this utter despair: Don’t give up. There is hope. Stick to the program. Believe in the process. It works.
If you work it, it can work for you.
Believe in the devotion of changing one's behavior and straightening one's ways. It is possible. God never gives up on anyone and neither should we.
Recovery is a process. It takes time, it takes patience, it takes everything you’ve got... one day at a time.
(32) Anonymous, December 5, 2020 9:35 AM
We owe it to ourselves not to suffer
Having been through your experience for over 24 years, with one major exception, that the man did not want to overcome his addiction, he thought it was normal - finally I could suffer no longer...
(31) Anonymous, November 29, 2020 8:27 AM
Porn addiction therapy
What kind of therapy is your husband going thru? Are you also going to therapy together to address the trust and intimacy issues? I caught my husband again for the third time. We have been married for 24 years, and he hasn’t had any sexual desire for me in 20 of them. He has excuse after excuse. I am struggling with my future with him. It’s very lonely.
(30) Anonymous, November 19, 2020 2:17 PM
speaks to me
....i am an addict like your husband..... thank you for writing this. God bless you both. /\
(29) Taratoot Esther, November 18, 2020 2:02 PM
Loved this article ! So real and sooo hopeful Thank you
(28) Rachel, November 18, 2020 3:33 AM
Can anyone give an explanation of why it’s an addiction?
The author has my support and admiration, and her husband too. Having said that, I am confused about why it’s considered an addiction. Obviously, anything that hurts one’s partner should be avoided. But my (lay petson’s) understanding of addiction is that it is a chemical problem, not a behavioral one. I am also not sure why it would have a terrible effect on a relationship. It seems like an irritating habit, not an addiction. I am trying to understand the difference. I think all couples should realize that their relationship is a dynamic thing. There were times early in my marriage when I complained and felt my husband was a workaholic, more interested in his truly cutting edge work than in our relationship. But after we had children, it was tempered by his desire to be a full time dad, although sometimes economic issues intervened.
Anonymous, November 18, 2020 5:42 PM
Eyes influence the heart
Eyes are the keys to motivate the heart. If the eyes are looking for spiritual growth, that influences the heart. If the eyes are looking for physical pleasure, that also influences the heart. In the context of a marriage, the eyes are used to reinforce the connection between spouses. When not used in the context of marriage, the heart is being led to temptation which furthers self interest and eventual corruption.
Rachel, November 18, 2020 11:59 PM
Must be a male thing
I just don’t get it. I guess I will have to take your word for it.
Nancy, November 19, 2020 2:50 PM
To commenter #28 Rachel
Maybe it would help to substitute the words compulsion and/or urge instead of the word addiction. The husband's actions here have caused his wife to feel significantly less than. This goes beyond an irritating habit. I hope I don't sound condescending.
(27) Nancy, November 17, 2020 11:20 AM
Voting with one's wallet
As I said in an earlier comment, pornography is a money making industry. I detest all forms of pornography. Porn exploits women, underage girls as well as younger children. However, if people stopped PAYING for this horror show, the industry would go away in a New York minute.
(26) Anonymous, November 17, 2020 12:24 AM
I feel this deep in my soul
My husband and I are working through a very similar situation. Some days are good, some days I cry in the shower just as a release. He is in therapy as am I, I have trust in the process of healing and pray for the best
(25) Canuck, November 16, 2020 6:27 PM
But womens' erotic novels are OK.
Men tend to be visual, so they prefer images. However women are, shall we say, more literary & prefer descriptions in writing. 50 Shades of Gray, a disgusting novel (to me, anyway) depicting sexual torture, sold tens of millions of copies. Its buyers were 99% women. Have any marriages been jeopardized by wives reading erotic literature?
(24) Anonymous, November 16, 2020 3:43 PM
Thank You
Thank you for being so vulnerable in sharing your story. What a challenge Hashem gave you and it's good to know that you have landed in a positive place. I am in awe of your strength and determination and commitment. May Hashem bring you and your family blessings and success.
(23) Benjamin Kurtzer, November 16, 2020 6:35 AM
Rational Recovery
Read the book by Jack Trimpey. It will save your life!
(22) Anonymous, November 16, 2020 4:33 AM
Fantastic.
It's been over 30 years ago that I found out my husband was a sex addict. We had 7 children I thought our marriage was wonderful. It took me years to learn to stay on my side of the street and let him work his program. He's clean over 30 years. He works the 12 Step program. He sponsors lots of frum men. I've learned it was never about me. Hurtful you bet. Hashem has his reasons for everything he does. I learned forgiveness and am so much richer for it.
(21) Anonymous, November 16, 2020 2:58 AM
Pornography addiction
Usually when a man is addicted to porn there is most times childhood sexual abuse. Or oftentimes the male had a bad relationship with his mother.
(20) Esther, November 16, 2020 2:07 AM
Thank you
Thank you for sharing this so big challenge and how you are dealing with it. God bless you!
(19) Brian Grossman, November 16, 2020 1:33 AM
Recovery
Hi,
I would love to know what type of therapy your husband did that aided in a long and successful recovery, if you don't mind sharing that; it will be confidential.
(18) Geoff Michaelson, Ph.D.McLean, VA., November 16, 2020 12:26 AM
Grateful words
My practice focuses on the treatment of sex addiction. You may or may not understand how important it is to have articles like this available for people in recovery. I am certain that the degree of suffering this spouse went through and the difficulty of recovery for both partners was severe and only equal to or surpassed by the joy they may feel. People in recovery need to hear these stories to have hope and to combat the shame that powers addiction. It is a blessing you published this and the spouses are a blessing to all of us. Thank you! Sincerely, Geoff Michaelson, Ph.D.McLean, VA.
(17) Maria, November 15, 2020 11:25 PM
Thank You
Yes, with God’s help recovery is possible for both parties! It takes 2 people to Row a boat and 2 people to work on a marriage. If both parties are willing to take the steps of recovery, healing is possible! Thank you for being transparent and sharing your journey of recovery to give others strength and hope!! :-))
(16) Mirel, November 15, 2020 11:16 PM
Glad for you but not every woman can deal with it
The fact that the husband confessed and told her when he slipped is why she had a chance at him being/staying sober. In most other cases, the husband doesn’t admit it, he gets caught and it begins a never ending cycle of promising the wife he’ll stop but most times he doesn’t. An addiction isn’t easily cured and most surrender to the strong urge. It’s a lifetime of misery for the wife.
From one who finally couldn’t deal with it any more
(15) Bonnie Siegel, November 15, 2020 9:42 PM
12 step programs
I am so glad to hear that our community is being introduced to 12 step programs and that our lives can be saved one day at a time!!
(14) Anonymous, November 15, 2020 9:31 PM
Hard Work on Love and Trust
It's wonderful when a couple can work through the porn or any addiction. But if that addiction is real life participation then all bets are off and the marriage is in grave if not un savable times. I know as my husband progressed from pictures to living that life in real time. We didn't survive that dangerous life style that affected the whole family exposing us to unsavory people
(13) Andrea Schonberger, November 15, 2020 8:57 PM
Women should be the addicts
According to research women have a much stronger physiological response to porn than men do so why don't we hear of women being porn addicts? Because there's no such "disease" as porn addiction. I think the issue here is not porn but masturbation, something society is loathe to speak about in private let alone in public, and men tend to use porn as an aid in this part of their sexuality. Is society using this porn addiction hype as an attack on men's sexuality? I don't know but I'm positive someone is making money off this.
Nancy, November 16, 2020 11:25 AM
To commenter #13 Andrea Schonberger
Pornography in and of itself is a money making industry. When a married man or woman looks at porn, like it or not it takes away from the intimacy of the marital relationship. Also, we don't know exactly who this man was looking at. I don't see porn as an attack on anyone's sexuality, but I can understand why the wife was so distraught.
Andrea Schonberger, November 16, 2020 9:51 PM
You're absolutely right
According to statistics this industry rakes in anywhere from $6-$15 billion dollars a year. It most certainly can take away from marital intimacy as it gives the viewer an unrealistic version/expectation of what we would consider a normal sex life--the viewer fails to take into account that the images on the screen are strictly actors that are paid to perform and their partner would most likely refuse to go along with such stunts. Of course the wife was beside herself and she ought to seek counseling to understand the situation.
(12) Tina Quijano, November 15, 2020 7:30 PM
Thank you.
As a woman of faith, it is heartening to hear from another spouse of an afflicted man with this type of addiction. I will continue to pray and lift your family up. Shabot Shalom.
(11) Anonymous, November 15, 2020 7:21 PM
How can I get an email of this article? Would like to share it.
Fabulously describes her pain and her honesty about trying to save her marriage. Good for her and her family
(10) Anonymous, November 15, 2020 6:43 PM
the strenght of lady
All the human being mistaken and the better among the mistaken the repented
great mom
(9) Anonymous, November 15, 2020 6:07 PM
One minute at a time
Your article was written beautifully and to the point. True, we all have our “ issues” yet G-d truly gives us the strength to persevere..... and it’s not an easy road but absolutely doable. ONE SECOND AT A TIME.
(8) Anonymous, November 15, 2020 5:21 PM
Thankyou
Dear “wife of a porn addict”, Thank you for your article, and your commitment to God and your husband. My husband’s path got even deeper and darker. Porn wasn’t exciting enough. I wanted out but God had other plans. Only God could do the miracles of transformation and restoration that have been done in my husband’s heart and mind and our marriage. I pray all who are in our situation will see God’s hand and will be strong and courageous. With love & blessings. Another wife of a recovering porn (and more) addict.
(7) Anonymous, November 15, 2020 5:03 PM
I will not go so far as to say that the husband does not have a problem but the wife's reaction is an extreme reaction seems to be the bigger problem. I can't help thinking that there are not bigger problems going on in this situation than the poirn issue.
Anonymous, November 15, 2020 5:54 PM
I can imagine that the nature of this addiction as well as the huge breach in trust during their marriage (the fact that she didn’t know about it for years, meaning that there were years of lies to cover it up) would make it very difficult to build trust and intimacy again. A marriage is built on trust and if one partner hasn’t been faithful to that part of the marriage, it can be devastating. Of course I can’t speak until I’ve walked in her shoes, but I feel I would have had just as much heartache if I found out my husband had been struggling with this as well as keeping it a secret for so long.
Anonymous, November 16, 2020 1:37 PM
Blame the Victim
Are you serious?? The wife has an "extreme reaction???" Her poor husband has a problem because there "are bigger problems going on" than the wife has shared with us? Ugh.
(6) Roz leffler, November 15, 2020 4:40 PM
Theology of Rabbi Sacks
He was the only rabbi who was able to reach observant, non observant and non Jews as well. His wisdom was incomparable and the loss is great!
(5) Leah Sakowitz, November 15, 2020 4:15 PM
Awesome article...very encouraging to those going through similar hardships!!
(4) Anonymous, November 15, 2020 3:51 PM
What if I'm dating someone who watches porn and looks at inappropriate images, should I be as forgiving and understanding?
Anonymous, November 15, 2020 5:15 PM
I would suggest having an honest discussion about whether this person is willing/able to stop if it’s something that bothers you, and also if it has affected their expectations in terms of sex to make sure that you both are on the same page in terms of your expectations and values. It would also be a good idea to consult a mentor to ensure that you have clarity on the situation. Your situation is not the same as the one in this article in which she was already married, and this is an important issue to work out before marriage if that’s where your relationship is headed.
Anonymous, November 15, 2020 5:51 PM
Thank you so much
Anonymous, November 16, 2020 1:45 PM
No
What you should do Dear. is run away fast. Marriage is hard enough when everything is working for you. When things get hard down the road, you can bet he'll say "You already knew! I was completely honest with you before we were married!" which will mean to him you gave him tacit approval.
Anonymous, November 17, 2020 3:44 PM
Writing on the Wall
If you have the great benefit of seeing problematic behavior BEFORE you get married - run. It is far different if you are middle aged, with children, and find out that your spouse is an addict of some sort.
You are facing a yellow blinking light.
Run.
Run.
Run.
(3) Anonymous, November 15, 2020 3:33 PM
Thank you for sharing. It was helpful to me
(2) Nina Kotek, November 15, 2020 11:01 AM
Praying for you and your husband
May you be blessed to overcome this speedily and well and for good!
(1) CONNIE, November 15, 2020 10:27 AM
THERE IS NO ELEVATOR TO SUCCESS
YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE STAIRS....