“You wan’ this one? I’ll give ya good price. Go on – name a price.”
I was tempted. Newly engaged, my fiancé had taken me to New York’s Diamond District to look at rings. The place was a wonderland of jewelry; store after store all selling the most dazzling creations. But we weren’t shoppers today. This trip was for strictly ideas, my fiancé explained. He knew a jeweler – a friend of the family – who would make up a ring for me, and my husband would design it. All he needed to know was what sort of ring I liked.
I looked at the ring the dealer was offering. It glowed in the sunlight. It was everything I’d dreamed of – a small sapphire, old fashioned and sweet. Mistaking our silence for bargaining, the vendor dropped his price lower and lower. It was beautiful. For years afterwards, I thought of it as the engagement ring I should have had.
“It’s nearly ready!” my fiancé called and told me a few weeks later. He’d been to his friend the jeweler and designed my ring. I was so touched. This was the nicest thing anybody had ever done for me, choosing a stone and making a beautiful ring – just for me! For weeks, I was fairly bursting with excitement – about getting engaged, about planning our wedding – and also anticipating my ring.
I opened the box and the crowd applauded. My husband beamed. I stood there one moment – aghast.
The big ring moment came one evening as we walked to dinner. We’d just left my apartment and as we crossed the street, I noticed my purse wasn’t closed. Looking into it, I saw a jewelry box. My soon-to-be husband’s eyes glowed and a grin broke out over his face. I took the box out of my bag. Some pedestrians stopped on the corner near us, watching us, then more joined them. Soon a small crowd was watching me open the small box – I’m sure they all thought he was proposing to me right there in the road. I opened the box and the crowd started applauding. My husband beamed. The strangers around us beamed. More passers-by stopped – they all beamed at us too. I stood there one moment – aghast.
I quickly pasted a big smile on my face too. “It’s beautiful!” I cried, my voice ringing hollow in my ears. “Gorgeous!” I said, as I slipped the ring. “Thank you!” I said as the crowd started to disperse.
As we sat at dinner, I kept glancing worriedly at my ring – which didn’t resemble what I wanted in the slightest. He read my ogling of it as pleasure, but one thought desperately kept running through my mind: Can I ask him to take it back without hurting his feelings? One glance at his proud, smiling face told me: no. This ring, which wasn’t what I wanted, was mine.
Trading Up
“Oh,” said a colleague at work the following Monday, gazing at my newly-bejeweled left hand. “Is it old?”
“No,” I replied through gritted teeth. “My fiancé designed it.”
My boss was blunter, taking one look and asking if I was going to get a different engagement ring after I was married. Clearly, my ring was unusual-looking and not just to me.
For years, this troubled me – I’d gaze down at my hand and remember the shining sapphire engagement ring I’d once dreamed might be mine. But life got busy very quickly – within a year we had a baby, then another and another. I still wore my ring, but it often had bits of dried baby spit-up on it, like the rest of me. I no longer expected it to glow, to light up my room. It became part of the landscape. After a while, I hardly noticed it any more.
Until years later, a dear old college friend came to visit. She had a high-level corporate job now, and looked the part -- incredibly put-together, with gorgeous clothes and jewelry. For the first time in years, I looked at my appearance critically. As we chatted away, I told her what I’d never said before: that I’d never gotten used to my engagement ring, that it still rankled me, that I’d love to change how it looked. I gazed at my friend’s tasteful, classic jewelry and longed for a moment to be so elegant too.
“Oh really?” she asked mildly. “I’ve heard that women who change their engagement rings for something nicer have a higher divorce rate.”
Among those who’d said they were willing to change their rings, a staggering 81% were divorced!
Turns out my friend was right. In 1988, Diamond Cutters International conducted a poll, asking brides whether they would consider “trading up” their engagement ring diamonds for bigger gems once they were married. Fifteen years later, those answering no had a divorce rate of 22%, while among those who’d said they were willing to change their rings, a staggering 81% were divorced!
In a flash, a line from the Ethics of the Fathers came to me: “Who is rich? One who is happy with his lot” (4:1). I needed to start appreciating my ring. I glanced at it again. For the first time I thought of it not with disappointment but gratitude: the ring my husband designed, the expensive, personal gift he gave me, this token of his love. I looked at my ring, abashed. I’d lived with it so many years, barely appreciating it, and at that moment I decided to make the decision to love it.
It might not have been the ideal ring I dreamed of years before, but it’s the ring I’m wearing in the pictures when I’m holding my new babies. It’s the ring I’m wearing in photos from vacations through the years, from photos of my birthdays, school plays, anniversary dinners, my son’s bar mitzvah. It’s the ring I wore while I was in the hospital with my husband when he had surgery; it’s the ring that was on my finger as I took my father to doctors’ appointments. This ring, I realized, has become part of me. And I actually started appreciating its unique style. Most of all, I now see my ring as something more than another piece of jewelry. It embodies my husband’s passion and hard work and sparkles with his sweetness and love. It is truly something beautiful.
(28) Ilana, November 11, 2020 6:35 AM
Okay
It's just a stupid ring. Why so much controversy over a dumb ring? If you like it, great. If not, no big deal. A piece of metal shouldn't have any impact on a marriage. That's just ridiculous.
(27) Ruben Martinez, July 19, 2015 7:09 PM
Most depressing story I've ever read
How do you not talk about likes and dislikes? The point is to figure out what she will like, if she doesnt like it then i'd feel like, as a man, that i've failed. Either he sacrifices up front for you or you sacrifice for however many years until you sppreciate it,
(26) Neicee, February 18, 2015 9:01 PM
I enjoyed this...
When my husband and I married 20 yrs. ago I lived in San Francisco and he in Montana. He thought I was terribly sophisticated and had expensive clothes so I must be used to the best - so he asked if I' mind picking out that important piece of jewelry and bring it to the wedding? I just laughed like I'd lost my mind. So I did. He didn't lie awake nights nor did I about it. I didn't want the traditional engagement ring and band, just a wide band like an eternity ring with dozens of small sapphires and diamonds. New Year's Eve a year ago he came up with a 1 1/2cc solitaire diamond. I love them. He said he'd finally decided to keep me. I wish all of you to never lose the freshness of the love you felt for each other on your big day.
(25) Anonymous, February 15, 2015 7:34 PM
badmouthing someone's happiness
happy you reconciled with your husband's caring gift to you.
its worth dwelling on the behaviour of your colleagues and others who had unpleasant views of the ring. apart from the loshon hora.....actually loshon sheker since the ring was not objectively ugly... considerable hurt to yourself, and the negative reflection on your husband-to-be, what's it REALLY their business? their job is to be a support and a friend to you and to increase your happiness at such a major moment in your life and to help build build the love and appreciation between a new couple. if they felt your feelings would not "rest" they could merely have said that these things are really just personal taste, that your fiancée had shown great character in the effort he had invested into a custom made and very PERSONAL gift of love, and that the greatest beauty of such a ring would be for YOU ONLY who knew the background of its origins. it really is a true gift of love...what could be more beautiful or be more an engagement ring?
i am personally in awe of your husband ..and of you for holding up his beautiful example as something to inspire us husbands.to put so much effort into a ring for YOU at such a busy and emotionally "crazy" moment in his life......
and i am very respectful of you, too, for accepting that ring and silently letting its real value develop over time.
perhaps it's also worth remembering that the halacha only requires a minimal value for a ring or other item to be a valid [and at the time "binding"] purchase of a bride. if she wants to accept it....
i don't think there would be a 'right-thinking' bride anywhere or anytime that would not want to accept someone's real devotion. and this is your proof of it.
(24) Anonymous, February 13, 2015 10:35 AM
Ouch
Wow and you didn't even use a pseudonym! Can't help but wonder what was your husband's reaction upon reading this piece!
(23) Yehudit, February 13, 2015 8:17 AM
Ouch
It can be hurtful to reject a gift. Yet if we are to live together we need to be able to be honest about our needs to each other. No one is a mind reader. The mistake here was not telling her fiancée that she would rather choose herself than having him design, or saying in advance that she's happy to give him the chance to design it if he's be ok with her not liking the outcome, or having input. Interestingly here were two people both trying to please the other for love but in the end it backfired. Sensitive honesty is the best policy. In my case I designed my own ring around stones that my inlaws chose and paid for. At the time I was fine with this and love the ring but have since told my husband that I long for a ring that comes from him. He paid for my wedding band and that is what I wear every day. I rarely wear my engagement ring since it wasn't a gift from my husband and reminds me of my immaturity at the time and my desire for a status symbol engagement ring.
(22) Rachel, February 12, 2015 8:01 PM
We got engaged senior year of college, with very little money
....but my mother had promised me her late mother's engagement ring. It was old and worn, but we took it to a jeweler and my husband purchased a new setting (that he could afford.)
I no longer wear it -- my hands are too big now, and I worry about loss or theft. But I never regretted it, and I've had it now for 33 years, along with my wonderful husband.
Annie, February 27, 2015 5:43 AM
Wear it. Have it enlarged. What are you keeping it for ? Just be careful-don't take it off when you wash your hands in a public loo :)
(21) Anonymous, February 12, 2015 6:36 PM
Whatever happened to the beauty comes from the love in it?
Whatever happened to the beauty comes from the love in it?...he hopes for a happy marriage?...the commitment to each other? Both of my daughters were blessed to receive the rings of their chossons' grandmothers, one restyled, the other not (very old-fashioned setting). My daughters were thrilled! ...and I adore both of my sons-in-law! In those rings came the love of generations, the hopes, the dreams of generations. The ring is unimportant except as a symbol. A few years from now, make some excuse to have the ring restyled if you still feel you must, but meanwhile either wear it proudly and try to focus on the love your chosson put into his efforts- or, if it that important to you, you may need to rethink your engagement.
(20) Elisheva, February 12, 2015 6:33 PM
Emotions aren't thoughtful or logical
What a lovely and insightful piece about emotional attachments to objects - and the sometimes unfortunate lack thereof. It's incredibly brave to be honest about the things we would hate to admit to others. And when it comes to our emotions, we don't have much control.
No matter the situation, when the idea of a gift, event, object, etc. becomes greater than the actual item in question, disappointment is inevitable. I'm glad Yvette Alt Miller grew to appreciate the thoughtfulness of her gift, especially since it wasn't what she expected.
Mazal Tov, Yvette, on your your many smachot! May Hashem bless you with many more.
(19) ana, February 11, 2015 11:33 PM
I didn't want a ring
I didn't want a ring, I don't wear them, I told him he had better not give me one, and he didn't. Some people have a problem with this. We're fine with it. I would have been really upset to have gotten a ring at all since I would have never worn it and it would have shown a complete disregard of my feelings and taste, and proof that we are not suited for one another, and that he might be controlling or put other people's opinions ahead of our relationship. I did get an engagement gift, one much more suited for me. 22 years later, I wouldn't change a thing.
(18) Sammy, February 11, 2015 6:45 PM
Single people laugh at this one
So you didn't get the ring you wanted? Either tell him or let it go. If it still bugs you years down the line then that might be a sign of a grudge. Either way, sounds like a comical article because tons of single people would give up any ring just to find the right person. Not to be preachy but rings are nice but the main focus should be on the relationship. Best of luck.
(17) Anonymous, February 11, 2015 4:50 PM
I KNOW You Will NEVER Upgrade that Ring!
After reading your brief account concerning your eventual acceptance, and even love, of your once-hated engagement ring, I know you have come to value what it symbolizes, your husband's love and commitment to you. This is, as you have since realized, more important than the most expensive diamond in the world. Thankfully, you came to your senses before taking an action you may have regretted for the rest of your life.
(16) Vali Dan, February 11, 2015 7:29 AM
Old and new
Thank you very much for sharing your story with us! In a different manner, something quite similar happened between me and my wife, fourteen years ago... Life went further, we have four kids now, but we still have to take daily decisions to love... not especially a ring, but one another. I think here is the key for happines: the willing to decide to love what you have. Thank you again, and may God bless you, your marriage and your family as well.
(15) Anonymous, February 10, 2015 10:20 PM
You were honest - but ....
Now everyone, including your husband knows that you think of the ring.
Did you tell him before you wrote this? What will you do now? Keep the ring or sell it and get a new one?
(14) Marta Fainberg, February 10, 2015 9:44 PM
After 64 years
My now-husbnad said he couldn't afford an engagement ring, for more than $400. So I found one, which he declined as being too minimal so I picked out a band, for under $10, which disappeared from the bathroom drawer of our first house...? Much later, I bought a gorgeous vintage engagement ring in an Antique Store, which no longer fits on my arthritic finger! And my sweet husband's dementia prevents him from remembering any of this! So what can I say?
(13) Tammy, February 10, 2015 8:38 PM
wrong ring
My mother had the same situation--she loved the ring my dad had inherited, but he had it reset! However, my DIL has it now and absolutely loves it. I never had a ring but I had a wonderful marriage that lasted 46 years. It's not really about the jewelry, as the author found.
(12) JB Destiny, February 10, 2015 8:31 PM
It's not just another gift.
My husband was somehow convinced that giving me a ring before marriage was like marrying me on the spot and I might need a get if either one of us wanted to call it off (don't ask, and please don't judge). But as soon as we entered yichud, DH surprised me with a beautiful pair of pearl earrings, and even though I dislike pearls and avoid wearing them in general, I grinned with true joy as I put them on. I've almost never worn them since, yet the only way I'll get rid of them is when I pass them on to my daughter or granddaughter. See, those pearls, like an engagement ring, are not just another piece of jewelry. They are a piece of him to me, representing my husband's love and commitment to take care of me. Why shouldn't it reflect his taste more than mine? And aren't we going to need to compromise on a lot more throughout our marriage? (I never did get a solitaire, but one December day, DH came to get me at work to choose a diamond eternity band to replace the plain gold wedding band I'd worn since the chupah. Well, his band, actually, mine hadn't fit since my second pregnancy.)
(11) Mike, February 10, 2015 7:56 PM
very nice column!
that's a very beautful story
(10) Janet, February 10, 2015 7:44 PM
LET'S SEE!!!!!!
How cruel to relate the story without a picture of the ring....:-)....!!! We're probably all dying to see it...!
By the way, any chance he will find and read your article...?
(9) Andrea, February 10, 2015 6:52 PM
Let's See
Very sweet column, certainly about more than engagment rings. Still I wonder how your well-intentioned husband got it wrong. I really want to see that ring!! Add a photo! My husband knows how fussy I am and so rarely buys anything without my approval or a "hint" that I like it. That said, I'm happy that we are past the point of buying gifts for the most part anyway. Who needs more stuff?
(8) Laurence Cohn, February 10, 2015 6:42 PM
Good
You don't look a gift horse in the mouth!
(7) Anonymous, February 10, 2015 6:39 PM
words from a wise woman
my mom a'h never tell your husband that a gift he buys you is not to your taste...except for my engagement ring which is exactly what i wanted..i kind of found fotos of other things when my husband wanted to buy something for me and voila!
perfect gift....problem solved for me and we were both happy
(6) Jonathan Keefe, February 10, 2015 6:13 PM
Thanks for sharing this inspiring piece of yourself
It's hard to do what you did. You are a really rich person!
(5) Anonymous, February 10, 2015 5:27 PM
The importance of communication
We all need to learn about others before we purchase ANYTHING for them! My husband knows I do not like scary movies, and if he rents one, he says "it has alot of scary visuals, you probably won't like it." Then I can choose myself. Why would you not consult your bethrothed on her likes and THEN come up with something she might possibly like? Ignorance is not an excuse. My daughter traveled to Israel and shared she wanted to bring me back a gift, what might Ilike? I shared that I wanted a spice box. That was the only recommendation I gave her, and we were both happy- she followed her budget, and I received a beautiful gift. Would I have liked anything she brought? yes. But we worked it out to both be happy, not one person stewing that I have something I don't like. We don't choose our children or family, but anthing else we have choice. Informed choice is possible and could bring much happiness. Hopefully, over the years you are able to communicate your likes in jewelry, (and other things) and were lucky to receive pieces that make you smile both because of who gifted it, and what it looks like.
glenda urmacher, February 10, 2015 9:29 PM
a spice box that one looks at occasionally is not an engagement ring.
unless the husband is a designer for Tiffanys, he was a presumptuous fool to design a ring when his future wife pointed out just what she liked.
Was he trying to do one better???
She should have told him immediately that she didn't like it , or graciously say it wasn't her taste.
To build a marriage on a lie is terrible beginning, and to be forced to look at a ring that one doesn't like for years is cruel and he is a nasty piece of work.
sure she got use to it, like she got use to all his faults that she put up with.
I feel so sorry for her.
(4) Benjamin, February 10, 2015 5:25 PM
Great Story; Great Lesson
Your experience transcends engagement rings and inspired me to appreciate that much more all that I have. It's funny that you had to see what your friend had to be able to fall in love with what you already had. Thanks for sharing!
(3) Anonymous, February 8, 2015 6:25 PM
I loved the last comment by Miriam-Just wondering.........
My son just got married to a wonderful girl. Though she never would have said anything but compliments, I wanted her to be truly happy with her jewelry and had her choose each and every piece. She is the one wearing it and I want every memory to be as beautiful as possible. I believe that we can take the material and use it to enhance the spiritual. I believe that Yaakov Aviein taught us this.
When one gives a gift, it is nice to think of pleasing the receiver -not pleasing our own ego. I am sure her husband is great in every area but for future grooms my humble advice to to try to please the bride with something she really loves! She should look at it with the most pleasant thought and not have to wait 15 years to the mature level of understanding what is really important.
(2) Tzivia, February 8, 2015 5:52 PM
I notice that the author does not want to "trade up" but choose something more to her own taste. Therefore, not quite sure how relevant the quoted article is, about trading up == divorce.
OTOH, since this diamond was something her husband designed, and not just picked out, rejecting it would be fairly significant.
I thing that 'surprise gifts' often backfire, and if a woman will be using/wearing something every day or every week, her taste should be consulted even if someone else is picking the final product. And the same for gifts to men, where you switch Menorah for Candlesticks.
(1) Miriam, February 8, 2015 12:11 PM
I totally relate to this article!
I hated the bracelet I got from my fiancée, didn't love the candlesticks...And, no, it never occurred to me to ask to switch it in although almost every other bride I knew got to choose her jewelry...I look at brides today and I know many would ask to switch it in since appearances have become so much more important today than they were 20 years ago. And yes, the number of divorces in our communities have gone up as well.
Thank G-d I was raised with an awareness that many times, materialistic choices are just not worth it!
Just wondering: How many years until you told your husband the truth? Or did he find out this morning on Aish.com?