I was pacing in my hotel room at the Hyatt Hotel in Jerusalem, eagerly awaiting the arrival of my 19-year-old son, Richard, whom I hadn't seen in six months. He was spending his junior year at the Hebrew University in Jerusalem, as I had done 30 years earlier. It was Saturday morning, so things were pretty dull for a secular Jew such as myself. I was relying on Richard to provide some amusement. Perhaps we would visit the Arab shuk.
Finally, there was a knock on the door, and I opened it to find my adorable son. After we embraced warmly, he said, "Mom, we're invited to the Rabbi's house for lunch."
"What rabbi?" I asked, as much perplexed as alarmed.
"You'll see. Just come with me," was Richard's not very reassuring answer. This was not what I had in mind for amusement.
After about a 15 minute walk, we arrived at a relatively new apartment building, and Richard led me confidently to the right door. This was obviously not his first visit. A very young Canadian rabbi and his wife from Vancouver (our home town) greeted us as we entered their clean but sparsely furnished apartment. Seated around their dining room table were about ten North American students, both boys and girls, all of whom were spending the year at the Hebrew University.
The impression that I formed immediately was that here were a group of youngsters, feeling lonely and isolated, away from home for perhaps the first time, ripe for conversion by religious zealots, and my son was among them. I remember distinctly wanting to get us out of there as quickly as possible, without being impolite.
When the lunch was finally over and we were just the two of us again, I confronted Richard. "What was that about?" I asked him, my annoyance scarcely disguised.
"Mom, I might as well tell you. I am getting closer to Orthodox Judaism. It feels right for me. I think it contains a lot of truth."
"What truth?" I countered. "You're young and vulnerable and ripe for the picking!"
I left Israel hoping that this was just a rebellious phase and that he'd once again become a good secular Jew.
The discussion/argument continued for a few minutes longer. I soon resolved to let it go, knowing that I would not get anywhere and that to persist would do more harm than good.
The rest of my time with Richard in Israel passed pleasantly, and I think we both silently resolved that it would be best not to raise it again. I left Israel hoping that this was just a rebellious phase that he was going through and that he would come to his senses once back in Canada, and would once again become a good secular Jew.
ANOTHER PLANET
This was not the case. Upon his return to Canada, Richard stubbornly clung to Orthodoxy. He gave up the nights of beer drinking and partying with his buddies. He no longer ate in non-kosher restaurants. He went to synagogue on a regular basis. He joined a study group. He made my life difficult with rules of kashrut. He went back to Israel for a year to study in a yeshiva.
"What has befallen me?" I lamented to my best friend, Morley. "Where have I gone wrong? It's like I have a kid who lives on another planet."
"It could be worse, Brenda," Morley said by way of comfort. "Richard could have joined a cult."
When I reflected on it, I began to see that Richard's espousing of Orthodoxy was not such a radical departure from who he was. He had always been spiritually inclined. Even as a child, he pondered the big questions, which he would often pose to me. "If God is everywhere, why can't I see him?" "What happens to a person's spirit after he dies?"
I recall that when he was in third grade in Talmud Torah in Vancouver, he brought home a report card full of C's in Hebrew studies. His teachers knew he could do better and were not amused at his self-appointed role of class clown. I told him that if he couldn't do better the next term, he would find himself in a public school. The next term he achieved mostly A's, and a couple of B's. Astonished by this turnaround, I asked him for an explanation. "I didn't want to give up studying Torah," he said. "It's fun."
I began to see that undeniably, he was becoming a happier, more fulfilled person.
Early evidence notwithstanding, as a mother I was more concerned about my son's happiness and well being. Was this new religious path having a good influence on his life? I began to see that undeniably, he was becoming a happier, more fulfilled person. A passion for argument fueled by temper gave way to a well reasoned, respectful exchange of ideas. Blame and accusation were transformed into understanding and acceptance. Impatience and dogmatic opinion were replaced by compassion and tolerance. Equally important, the people in his community shared the same attitudes and values. How could I not be pleased with my son's choices?
My son's "religious conversion" has also had an enormous influence on our relationship. Perhaps initially motivated by the desire to fulfill the commandment of honoring his mother, over the years Richard has created a relationship with me based on mutual respect and devotion. It has opened the door for us to get to know each other in a very authentic way, to discover how similar we are in our humor, outlook, and general sensibilities. Though we live 3000 miles apart, we have developed a closeness and genuine affection. We have a wonderful friendship of which I am very proud. I honestly don't think this would have come about to the degree that it has had he not become Orthodox.
THE RIGHT WOMAN
I did have one major area of complaint. Despite many introductions he couldn't seem to meet the right woman. I was worried.
And then he found her, his bashert (soul mate), Orthodox, of course, and a mirror image of his own excellent values.
It gives me great nachas (pride) to see what a wonderful husband my son is, both from a Jewish point of view, and as a measure of who he is as a person. When I asked him where he learned to be such a good husband, he replied, "I am not sure. Either from watching my rabbi with his wife, or from my TV days watching Bill Cosby with his."
It has surprised me to realize that through my son's journey of discovery, my own connection to practicing Judaism has been strengthened in subtle ways. I have a greater awareness of the Sabbath and holiday traditions. I have begun to light Sabbath candles. I hosted a Passover Seder. Richard and I often have stimulating discussions on issues of custom and Jewish law. Although I still view myself as a secular Jew, I am very proud to have a son who mentors and inspires me to a stronger connection to my own heritage.
(15) David Fink, November 28, 2011 8:34 AM
What an inspiring article
I am sure it means a lot to your son that you approve of him. What a selfless sacrifice for him. It's no wonder why Hashem blessed you with such a wonderful child!
(14) guest, November 27, 2011 8:00 PM
beautiful article
Such a beautiful article. You have a wonderful perspective and you and your son are so blessed to have each other!
(13) Mich, October 3, 2010 4:42 PM
Thanks!
Thank you for the article, I will show it to my mom and maybe this could make her understand me and accept me being religous... Thank you VERY much!!!
(12) RachelBlum, September 25, 2006 12:41 PM
What a beautiful article!
(11) Anonymous, September 9, 2006 9:14 PM
If only all parents were like you!
Thanks Brenda. Maybe more parents of BT's will be inspired by you. It's been 20+ years for me, and I have yet to hear one good word from my parents on my lifestyle. Because of that, I had to raise my family away from my parents and their disapproval.
Anonymous, November 28, 2011 12:24 AM
Anonymous--My heart goes out to you. As the only observant Jewish person in my family, I often feel very alone. Both of my parents are now gone, but they were EXTREMELY unsupportive of my lifestyle. I'm always sorry to hear somebody else has to experience the same pain I do.
(10) DorothyBienen, September 8, 2006 5:38 AM
Heartwarming article for parents to read.
This article was very well written and was a joy to read. I also have a religious daughter and watched with patience and understanding while the transformation took place. I am learning and continue to learn from her and this path has enriched my life as well as hers!
(9) grace, September 7, 2006 4:36 AM
Your story was very close to home for me. I have a son who also went to Isreal to study,and has become quite religious. He is a kolel student of which I am very proud. It took a while for his father to come around,but he finally did. I am more proud of my son for his choice, more so than if he had gone to medical school.
(8) Anonymous, September 5, 2006 8:18 AM
great article!
thanks, i really enjoyed reading this. may G-d bless you with continued nachas from your children.
(7) sasha, September 4, 2006 12:41 PM
story from the book
sounds so great. i am a baal tsheva myself. its been about 13 years since me returning to the roots. and guess what, my mother is still against everything that i do!!
(6) Anonymous, September 3, 2006 10:44 PM
Mrs. Yablon, YOU are the Inspiration
I, too, am "the daughter that became Orthodox."
My mother grew up in a non-religious community in Israel, where she was taught to discard old and "outdated" religious practices.
Though she grew up in such an environment that still remains to her to this day, she didn't let that pass onto her children. She sent me to a religious school in innocent hopes of me getting a good Jewish education, yet not intending me to become the "fanatic" I am now.
Thank G-d--It took a long time, but today I am religious and proud of it. My mother doesn't do many religous things herself, but has been more than accepting of my "transformation" into who I am today. It was difficult for her because she was forced to give up many of the things she felt comfortable doing (such as driving to the mall on Shabbos)--and though I hoped not to try pushing anything onto her, she did this out of respect for my beliefs. She stopped buying me clothes I wouldn't wear and now only buys me clothing she know will fit me properly, yet she herself still buys what she likes for herself.
Thank G-d, I don't think I ever faced real opposition from her. She understands that this is my way of life, and she is willing to accept that. And for that I thank her.
And for that I thank you, Mrs. Yablon, on behalf of all the children who have been blessed with parents who allow their children to grow in the path of Judaism, even if the parents don't understand it themselves.
I am convinced that even though my mother may never become fully religious, she will benefit from the mitzvot I do just as much as I do myself. And I am confident that you too, Mrs. Yablon, will benefit from the mitzvot your son does--not because you are doing them, but because you enable them to be done.
Once again, thank you.
(5) MarinaRiveradelAguila, September 3, 2006 6:47 PM
Torah study gives us the foundation.
Torah study gives us the foundation to keeping traditional activities. Otherwise such behavior is empty. Traditions and "Jewish law" without Torah knowledge fly away under duress.
(4) Meir, September 3, 2006 3:58 PM
Now proud parents
Thank you for expressimg your experinces.
I know most parents including my own have had this change of mind.
My mother also called me a fanatic "Don't get too fanatical" she would say and soon enough by speaking to her and expressing the beautiful idea's she came around. Then I got married "shurely this is all a bit quick" she said.. our engagedment was a bit short..then words of joy how much she values judaism in her life, how proud she is of her Rabbi Son and just a few hours ago our beautiful son was born, as she said "oh I'm so proud of you both, this is just so beautiful" with the tears running down her face.
I sincerely hope that your article helps other parents of Fanatics I mean, Balei Teshuva to feel this is something good and to be proud of, and that you too are blessed with a beautiful grandchild in the right time.
(3) Mordechai, September 3, 2006 12:25 PM
Returnees are on higher level than Frum from birth
In regards to the title of the article, I prefer the positive term fundamentalist, to fanatic. A fanatic is irrational and is someone you can't reason with. A fundamentalist, on the other hand, has a more positivie connotation. He belives in the "fundamentals" of Torah Judaism as given by G-d. As a returnee myself, I'll never forget how my mother was once in a store commiserating with another woman whose son also was a returnee to Judaism. All of a sudden, a young girl approached them and said that the Talmud says that the ba'al teshuva (returnee) is on a higher level than the FFB(Frum [religious] from birth). My mother asked her what school she went to. She answered "Beth Jacob" (an orthodox Jewish girls school). Amazingly, I ended up marrying a "Beth Jacob" girl,(a different one!) and I just celebrated the bris of my third grandson, ken yirbu!!
(2) Sarah, September 3, 2006 9:48 AM
Thank you - so true
Thank you for sharing your experience.
I am "the daughter that became orthodox"
I know how hard it is for parents -- they worry about what is best for their child (Is this a cult?) and at the same time, they feel as if the kind of Judaism that they live & taught their children is "not good enough" They feel rejected. But in truth, your son built his "new" religious identity on the foundation that YOU gave him. I am so happy to hear that your fear has turned to pride and your admonition has turned to a closer realationship with your son. It's a tough journey -- but it can be done.
(1) Andrew, September 3, 2006 8:56 AM
you get what you pay for
As Brenda I sent my son to Jewish private school & then to Israel after high school. What I got & paid for was a good Orthodox Jew. While my mother complains & worries that he is becoming "too relgious", I am not at all dissapointed in a child that has morals, ethics, and a true sense of the way things should be in the world. If this is as bad as it gets, thank G-d for it.