My tears surprise me. I am reading Oliver Sacks’ New York Times op-ed where he shares that his cancer has metastasized to his liver and in a few months he will leave this world.
These are not the tears I cry when I hear of a young mother stricken with incurable cancer, or a teenager plucked from this world tragically before his prime. In his 81 years Sacks has achieved dazzling success and acclaim as both a scientist and an author. His ground-breaking discoveries in the field of neuro-science have transformed modern medicine's understanding of the brain. Hailed by The New York Times as “the poet laureate of medicine,” Sacks will leave the world of both medicine and literature infinitely richer.
It is the fullness of his life which moves me. It is specifically the fact that he stands facing death with not a whisper of regret in his words. Quite the opposite, his words are dripping with fulfilment and gratitude. Till his last day, he chooses to embrace the world: “It is up to me now to choose how to live out the months that remain to me,” he writes. “I have to live in the richest, deepest, most productive way I can.”
I cry because I, too, will one day stand at the edge of my life. As unwilling as I am to think of death, I know it will inevitably happen. But what terrifies me most is to stand at the brink of my life and to have not lived fully. I am so full at the moment, brimming with dreams and plans and hopes and goals. I want so much – for myself, for my relationships, for my children. Yet I am constantly unsure that I will get there. I find myself pushing off my dreams to another day.
Oliver Sacks does not live in the world of “another day.” He faces death with courage and serenity because he is living a life replete with vitality. To stand at the edge of the this world, looking back with regrets and saying to yourself, I had dreams but I was afraid. I held grudges because I was too proud to let it go. I wanted to do so much but I got distracted. I thought there was more time – that is frightening.
Often one hears of stories of near-fatal events where a person was miraculously saved from an illness or an accident. A bucket list is written and dramatic changes to their lives are made. Relationships are prioritized, old feuds are settled and a heightened awareness of purpose and the sacredness of each moment is awakened. Do we have to wait for a tragedy to realign our goals?
Each of us is born with infinite potential for greatness. Yet we hold back. The what-ifs, the have-tos, the should-haves often cloud our choices. Sometimes we don’t examine our choices fully. We let the expectations and social norms dictate. Our dreams remained buried among fears and complacency.
So reading Sacks’ reflections as he nears the end of his time in the world, I am envious. He is confident that he has given his all. “But my predominant feeling is one of gratitude. I have loved and been loved; I have been given much and I have given something in return; I have read and traveled and thought and written.” To be overflowing with gratitude in the face of death can only be a result of life lived with constant appreciation of the blessings.
So with the courage, engagement and creativity that he lived his life, he approaches his death. The self he has cultivated – the self of love and gratitude is what he will carry through the rest of the days on this planet.
The tears I shed tell of a profound yearning for such a life. I imagine of myself at the end of my days as an old woman. My limbs may be frail and weary; and my face may be wrinkled, but I dream that I will hold a deep satisfaction that I gave my all. That I was brave and I loved and contributed what only I was able to. I want to know without a shadow of a doubt that I did all I could have done.
(13) Anonymous, April 10, 2015 1:22 PM
Very humbling and inspiring. Thank you for posting this!
(12) Anonymous, March 16, 2015 12:21 PM
Thank you Oliver Sacks .
Thank you Oliver Sacks for all you have shared so eloquently with us, your readers, bringing the light of your intelligence to some of life's experiences.."so long as men can read and eyes can see, so long lives this, and this gives life to thee."
(11) scott, March 15, 2015 5:22 PM
a life less examined.
I'm sorry to hear about this mans sickness. It seems we will all lose something when he passes.
On a side note I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Living fully. And greatness.
My grandfather is my standard for greatness. He was a simple man. He worked hard, paid his bills, raised and educated three sons to be more conventionally successful than him and retired. He left his wife well provided for.
He died last year and there weren't oceans of people at his funeral. The NY times didn't note his passing. He was old and mean and crazy at the end. Altzhiemers is cruel.
But he had three sons and ten grandkids and five great grandkids at his funeral and everyone teared up when the color guard handed the flag to my grandmother. Even his sisters in law. That's not nothing.
I don't ever think he spent five minutes thinking about living his life fully or died with any regrets. He was too busy living the life hashem gave him. Without reservation or pretention or lusting after greatness or fulfillment. There was golf to play.
He did amazing things and was present at the center of historic things in his time. But you'd never know it to talk to him. You'd have to ask someone else. He'd rather talk about how you are or his golf game or the birds visiting his feeder. Or fix something. He liked to fix things.
That's what I aspire to. To spend more time living life and less time examining it. We'll see how that goes.
(10) ruth housman, March 12, 2015 2:29 PM
Oliver!!!
I love Oliver Sachs for his humanity, bringing into perspective, a humane perspective the heroism of those who entered his neurology practice and his honesty in facing his own demons. I would say Everyone has a Story. The vagaries of that story for those not hitting the bookseller lists as they often die unknown as vague shadows shedding their own light, are equal and I know Oliver felt this. The humility of such knowing characterizes greatness. The housewife tending to her garden, feeding her birds is equal, and God wrote us all into The Most Amazing Story Ever Told. I have not one shadow of a doubt.
(9) Sheila Novitz, March 11, 2015 3:36 PM
A light in millions of lives - Dr Oliver Sacks
Dr Oliver Sacks has been a shining light in my life, and I am indescribably sad that he will soon be leaving us. I have never met or talked with Dr Sacks, never seen him in person, but his books have kept me wide awake with wonder and delight; he has made me laugh and cry, and his inherent modesty and kindness throughout his years of books have always shone through into the lives of others. He will leave a huge hole in the world, but his writing will live on.
(8) Anonymous, March 11, 2015 11:52 AM
see ourselves and others with gentle tolerance
a dozen years ago i eagerly went to hear dr. sacks speak in l.a. after viewing with the assembled audience a documentary he appeared in about neuroscience and art. at the q and a, a woman stood up and asked the first question which had to do with his integrity and some personal matter. . he left the stage immediatelyand the q and a was cancelled. we do not live perfect lives. in the end, i pray we are saved public embarrassment .
(7) Anonymous, March 10, 2015 6:40 PM
I am filled with gratitude for this light shed on the dying glow of a life well-lived, and the light of insight Oliver Sacks shares with all of us.
(6) Cyborg, March 10, 2015 5:14 PM
The waste; the waste.
How much we waste precious time. It's our greatest gift. What a waste.
(5) Miriamwcohen, March 10, 2015 5:14 PM
Death comes to all
Everyone comes to death on the end,and Dr. Sacks fulfilled his purpose in life. Not everyone believes, but everone dies. And he has no regrets since he was a productive person. He did fulfill his life's purpose , and he never denied his Judaism.
(4) Joan Michel, March 10, 2015 4:59 PM
G-D is good
So why do you have to be so judgmental---by your own standards--and claim one would not hold him up as ready to face G-d in the world of truth? Dr Sacks has done some wonderful things and I very much admire him, will very much miss him (even though we've never physically met)...Come on! How presumptive! G-d is much more generous than you are.
(3) jeff, March 10, 2015 4:47 PM
No one knows how G-d will judge
Thank you, Eliana, for your heartfelt article. I, too, had reacted with respect, appreciation, and some sadness to Oliver Sacks' profound message on the brink of his final months on earth. What a painful blessing to know that one's days are coming to an end, and to have the clarity to review, reflect, and choose one's actions as death approaches. My sadness and fear are because I know I have not used my limited time here on earth to the best of my gifts and abilities. Hopefully we each can renew our efforts and dedication to becoming our "best and highest" selves, serving both human beings and G-d.
To "Jewish Mom", I appreciate your perspective and share some of it. But as Rav Noach used to say, "No one knows whose blood is redder than anyone elses." Oliver Sacks fulfilled his unique potential with deep holiness in how he helped all of G-d's children as an innovative physician. Like most people, he clearly fulfilled many mitzvoth and yet was not perfect in his service to humanity and G-d. Let us be inspired by his example and realize we should give all people the "benefit of the doubt" about how we will be judged in the World of Truth. May G-d bless the entire world, no exceptions.
Catrina, March 11, 2015 1:03 AM
Well Said
Well put !!
(2) sharon, March 10, 2015 4:37 PM
WHAT A MESSAGE WHAT A LEGACY
WE ALL TRY TO LIVE OUR LIVES LIKE THAT
(1) Jewish Mom, March 10, 2015 9:35 AM
Preparing to face G-d
Being ready for death with no regrets means preparing to face G-d with the ability to say "I tried my best to fulfill my life's purpose by living according to Your Will following the guidelines of the Torah, using the gifts You bestowed upon me to do so."
When the soul takes leave of the body - and that will happen to all of us eventually - all that remains for the soul to enjoy in the World of Souls (a.k.a. the World of Truth or the Afterworld) is the relationship that one has built during his/her lifetime with our Creator. Oliver Sacks calls himself "an old Jewish atheist" and in February 2010, Sacks was named as one of the Freedom From Religion Foundation's Honorary Board of distinguished achievers. I would not hold him up as a prime example of one who fulfilled his life's purpose and who is ready to face G-d in the World of Truth.
Dvirah, March 10, 2015 5:18 PM
Nevertheless
Taking Dr.Sack's words at face value (“But my predominant feeling is one of gratitude. I have loved and been loved; I have been given much and I have given something in return; I have read and traveled and thought and written.” ), I would say that when he meets the Creator, both he and G-d will have a good giggle over his "atheism".
Anonymous, March 10, 2015 5:36 PM
He missed out on the most important thing in life...!
Exactly my sentiments. So sad to go without recognizing where he's going, even if he did accomplish so much in this world.
Eliana Cline, March 11, 2015 6:37 AM
The sentiment of the article
Jewish Mom, thank you for your comments. I appreciate and understand your perspective. However, I wrote the article not as lauding Oliver Sacks as the ultimate servant of Hashem, whatever his own background and choices he chose not follow the path of Torah. However, in his choices, he did use his life the best he good, and the simple sentiment of approaching death with the fullness of having a life lived as he best could with what he had is what moved me - regardless of his spiritual beliefs. But thank you - for those of us who understand the value of Torah, living a life connecting to G-d is the goal.