I am mourning the loss of my beloved grandchild. The shiva house belongs to my son and daughter-in-law. The Kaddish they offer is their spiritual hanger to hang their tears on. The rabbi leads the service addresses them in their time of need
The wonderful, thoughtful sensitive visitors upon entering the house give the parents words of comfort first.
Yet –
My heart was also wrenched and shattered upon learning of the death of my beloved grandchild. My very being was overcome in anguish when I saw my son’s tortured face as the coffin was lowered. My heart silently screamed as I watched my son say Kaddish for his son and saw the pain in the faces of my other grandchildren.
I feel stranded in a sea of pain and sadness where there is no ritual, tradition, custom or even a prayer for grandparents to hang their tears on.
What bit of consolation can a grandparent find in a shiva house for which we are – understandably, and realistically – removed from most of the shiva rituals, and are perhaps more like onlookers, apart and looking in?
I share with you my own prayer at this unbearably difficult and agonizing time.
God, it was always our earnest prayer that our children be spared all pain and suffering. We yearned – May this be your will.
God, it was always our impassioned prayer that our children all warrant peace and serenity in their lives. We yearned – May this be your will.
God, it was always our fervent prayer that You see to it that our children are unhampered by illness or tragedy. We yearned – May this be your will.
But today we are devastated – all our hopes, dreams, and wishes for this grandchild feel as if they have evaporated into nothingness. Though I prayed with all my heart, my heart has been ripped apart.
Though I prayed with great intent that my grandchild be well and healthy, my very soul has been fractured.
Though I prayed with total emunah, faith, I am overwhelmed and totally brokenhearted that my beloved grandchild has left this life.
I am shattered and beside myself with grief four times over – once for having to witness my own child’s pain saying good bye to their child, and then for my own pain saying goodbye to my beloved grandchild. Once more, watching the parents searching to make sense of the loss of their child, and then once again, being faced with the siblings who just do not understand.
My heart is so very, very heavy. I stuff my tears down deep to appear strong for my child. I see my child suffering and in pain and there is nothing that I can do to ease his way.
Dear God, please help all of us to carry this intense heavy burden of loss without any additional hurdles. Please – without delay – – allow healing of our spirit and healing of our hearts as we begin to accept what we cannot change.
Dear God, we beseech you to allow us, the grandparents, to be strong for our children, to be stalwart for the sake of the other grandchildren and yet to be kind to ourselves in our own grief.
May we all find, in due time, the strength to move forward with kindness, patience and tolerance.
Dear God, please grant menuchah nechonah – a true rest, to my grandchild and may he soar on the wings of the Shechinah, of Your Divine presence.
(12) Penina, November 20, 2018 3:17 PM
Perfect
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and prayer. I too have recently experienced the loss of my 8 month old grandson son and experienced such similar feelings. Thank you for articulating these into a prayer. I often think that as careful as our faith is to cover “everything “ it is lacking in this area. Maybe the Rabbi’s could take a look at such an example and incorporate this into our prayers.
(11) Reuven, June 2, 2016 9:15 PM
May you find nechama
There is truly only one meaningful thing to do, look to the Ribbono shel Olam for support, in whatever way you find best, for only He has the ability to give us true nechama. המקום ינחם אתכם בתוך שאר אבלי ציון וירושלים
(10) Toby Weitzman, May 30, 2016 5:59 PM
So sorry for your loss
Dear Laurie,
Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss, and your children's loss. I lost my son 17 months ago and understand your unthinkable grief. My son did not have any living grandparents when he passed, and in a way I'm glad because of the grief they would have encountered, like you.
I am also sure they were there waiting for my son, and guiding him to be with them, safely, in peace, and no more pain.
Wishing you strength and know people are thinking of you.
(9) Nancy, May 29, 2016 9:53 PM
I am so sorry for this terrible loss.
BDE".
(8) Anonymous, May 29, 2016 8:21 PM
so sorry
I am so sorry for your loss. I always felt that when there is death, there is a huge ripple effect of so many that are touched so deeply by the passing of a loved one, many who do not sit shiva. HaMakom yenachem etchem b'toch sh'ar avelei Tzion v'Yerushalaim.
(7) Joanne Asher, May 29, 2016 4:01 PM
thank you
I so wish this article or something comparable had been around for my parents when we lost our child.To have been able to share the pain with someone might have provided somewhat of a comfort. They never did cry in front of me. We were on opposite side of the ocean, so they organized a memorial service in their shul. That was one way in which they coped with the lost of their eldest grandchild.You will never know how many grief-stricken grandparents your writing will help.Ha Makom y'nacheim etchem b'toch sh'ar aveilei Tsion v'Yerushalayim. Most sincerely,
Joanne Asher
(6) SARAH ADLER, May 29, 2016 3:39 PM
loss
you have not said how old your bubbelah was, when my baby brother was taken it was our grandparents who explained that young children were needed by hashem to help with the onerous tasks that were facing him.It never healed but did help to explain a little
(5) ann, May 29, 2016 3:35 PM
We lost our first grandchild more than 13 years ago when he was a mere 29 days old. I will never forget the scene of my son in law handing over the tiny body of his son to the chevre kaddisha standing in the grave. We still visit his grave each and every yartzeit, and my daughter has a photo of the the child propped near her Shabbat candlesticks.....
(4) Anonymous, May 29, 2016 2:47 PM
hamakom yenachem etchem
may hashem comfort your children, and the grandparents on the loss of their son/grandson. may you have strenghth and courage to be there for each other in this very difficult time. may hashem shower your family with his love and comfort.
(3) Marji, May 29, 2016 2:19 PM
Time
May I suggest counseling and a support group for you, as you try to come to terms with this heartbreaking tear!
(2) Sheryl Meyer, May 29, 2016 1:52 PM
Heartbreaking and beautiful?
I am so sorry for your pain. I remember the fear I had knowing I would have to tell my parents when their grandchild passed away. My sister actually told them for me. She spared me from the gasp that we knew would forever haunt me. My parents made a photo album of him for their own comfort. Ten years have passed. They have learned to walk around the hole in their heart and life has gone on. I appreciated their strength and not falling apart in front of me. You sound like a good grandmother and parent , too. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing.
(1) Chaya, May 29, 2016 1:28 PM
May HKBH comfort you
I wish you a long and blessed life.