My eldest son tore open the package, his excitement palpable. He pulled out his new yarmulke and immediately asked me to help him pin it. A navy blue number with a silver Magen David, my son had picked this kippah out to be his “formal” one. I watched him dash off to the mirror to admire himself with a mixture of pride and amusement.
I was surprised, however, when he elected to wear it while accompanying me to work that evening. I was on a photojournalism assignment to cover the dress rehearsal of a local dinner theatre. The rehearsal was in a church we’d been to many times and which many of his friends attend. As we walked in the door, I realized that my son had never worn a yarmulke publicly in our town. A familiar feeling of uneasiness settled around me.
In our small town of seven churches and no synagogue, sticking out is always a little uncomfortable. We are open about our Judaism to those who are interested, but we certainly don’t advertise it. For us, faith is a private and exquisite thing centered on our relationship with God. And as I watched my son walk into the rehearsal space, I realized he was practically wearing a billboard announcing his heritage. I’ll admit for a moment, I wished he hadn’t worn his kippah. I didn’t want him to stick out.
My son’s friends greeted him and I settled into the task of simultaneously photographing and documenting the rehearsal. The play took place in an imaginary Middle Eastern town and was loosely based on the birth of Jesus. With the semi-exotic setting, most of the kids and adults were wearing costumes including headscarves and robes, as well as fake beards, stiff as steel wool and (judging by the itching) just as comfortable. I felt relief as I realized that my son and his yarmulke were among the less noticeable sartorial choices in the whole room.
Then it happened. A younger brother of one of my son’s close friends saw the yarmulke. This boy, only eight years old, was naturally very curious about it. He walked up, tapped my son on the shoulder, and said “Hey, what’s that on your head?”
As my son turned around to answer him, a woman appeared at the boy’s side and pulled him away so quickly, it was like watching a magician remove a tablecloth from underneath a fully set table. I was surprised not to see a puff of smoke follow the movement. I watched her from my seat near the front. I was surprised overhear the following, related sotto voce, “You shouldn’t ask people things like that! He’s wearing it because he is a Jew,” and then her voice became inaudible.
I watched, feeling saddened, both by the choice she made and the opportunity she denied my son. Her pulling the boy away so aggressively for asking a question made being Jewish and wearing a kippah seem shameful and secretive. If my son had been allowed to answer, it would have been a learning opportunity both for him and for his friend’s brother. I was half tempted to discuss the matter with her after the rehearsal or perhaps to reassure the boy that his asking my son was actually a sign of respect and interest. But, like most mothers of many children, I let it go and headed for home, the demands of my household intruding on my inclination to educate.
What a missed opportunity. What a chance that passed by. Imagine if we were all like that eight year old boy, interested and questioning, fascinated and open to the explanation of what makes others unique? And then I realized: I was no better than that woman, with my fears about the reactions of the town.
My son is due to get another new yarmulke this week, his “casual” one. It is as vibrant and colorful as a Rastafarian cap and he can’t wait for it to arrive. I am no less eager. I hope he wants to wear it around. And I hope people ask him about it.
He will stick out, yes. But he already sticks out due to his warmth and his spectacular personality. His kippah is just the proverbial icing on the cake.
(18) Rachel, December 28, 2015 4:59 AM
I hope you will consider moving to a community with a shul
Not because I have a problem with having many non-Jewish neighbors, but because it is difficult to lead a full Jewish life without being part of a Jewish community. As we near retirement, my husband and I are aware that some of the nice communities that are often touted as great retirement destinations will not work for us for that reason.
When our children were young we likewise chose a smaller home in an area with Shuls instead of a big house in the outer suburbs but less Jewish life.
(17) Krys, December 28, 2015 2:48 AM
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG MAN! BE PROUD OF YOUR HERTITAGE! AM YISROEL CHAI! <3
(16) Rebecca, December 27, 2015 3:32 AM
Feeling isolated
We live in a small town with a temple and 20 churches. Everyone is nice, but my boys don't want to break Shabbos for soccer, etc. I'm concerned that maybe we should move before they get much older. I don't think it's fair to have them always do 'part' of the sport and not get to compete. Any ideas? Ps - I love it when my boys wear their kippahs too!
(15) Barry, December 26, 2015 2:26 AM
People Worldwide should be familiar with seeing a yarmulka
It should not be shocking to see a yarmulka anywhere in the civilized world. Jews should be proud of their heritage. It is a beautiful gift we have received from the Lord God -- being his chosen people forever.
We may have suffered many times in many places but it comes with being a "Chosen" people. My parents have both spent 3 years in Auwshwits and survived to have me to not hide or live in terror because of some overzealous Muslims. They will be wiped out and Israel will be there as the homeland of the Jewish people. We need to support Judaism and Israel and stop trying to integrate and be invisible in a white Christian society in the countries we now live in because we were dispersed around the world after the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem. We need to wear Kippot and Stars of David proudly. We need to stop trying to be invisible and blend into the societies we live in. They all know you are Jewish not matter how hard you hide it and try to integrate. Are you going to date and marry a non-Jew? Will you bring non-Jewish children into the world and end a Jewish line? They do not want you to marry their Sons and Daughter because you are Jewish so why try to hide it?
Seeing a yarmulka anywhere should not be shocking. We must regain the respect we deserve. The world has a very short memory and forgets the past. NEVER AGAIN will we be treated as sub-human.
(14) Robin, December 25, 2015 5:17 PM
Me too
Many years ago as a single mother, my girls and I were lighting Chanukah candles and we invited our neighbor, also a single mother with her young son who was around 4 years old. He asked why we are lighting the candles and his mother cupped her hand on his mouth and apologized. I told her that his question shows his intelligence and she should encourage questions. I also told her to always ask me any question she wants about Judaism and I would gladly answer them or find the answer for her. Non Jews need to be encouraged to ask questions of us. Remember, we tend to fear the unknown and then we hate what we fear.
(13) yechiel aaron, December 25, 2015 10:14 AM
Shabbat Shalom
It would be great if your family was interested in the experience your son would have for his entire life time if you moved to a town with jews and synagagogues where he could be the one asking the questions and learning about his heritage.
(12) Anonymous, December 25, 2015 2:10 AM
your son's kippah
G-d bless
you must be very proud of your son. as a noahide, i feel very proud of him. i dont agree with you that this is called advertisement.
in my humble opinion, its called Sanctifying Hashem before the world, where Hashem specially instructed you all to be the light to all nations.
(11) Gary Schuster, December 25, 2015 1:03 AM
Kippah Courage
I live in Dearborn, Michigan, which has the largest Muslim population in the United States. I go to a congregation in Oak Park, Michigan, which has a very large Jewish population. In between is a Christian church where I am a boiler engineer. In Dearborn, where I received my 2 masters degrees at the University of Michigan, I could not wear my kippah for fear of my life. Here at this Christian church, I am greatly respected for my being Jewish and I wear my kippah with no fear of any sort. Christians have a respect for HaShem's word that Muslims generally do not because they do not understand. When I do develop a relationship with a Muslim, and I have, he gets to know me as I am and who I am and through my representation of HaShem's word, he comes to respect me and what I stand for and who is our source of life. Baruch HaShem!!!
(10) Howard Sanshuck, December 25, 2015 1:02 AM
Nice Story
Your reaction to the other mother and her reaction in explaining to her son were perfectly understandable and neither of you have to feel any guilt. Since your son is friends with the boy's older brother he will explain to him about the wearing of a Kippah at another time without adults present.
(9) Jennifer, December 24, 2015 9:47 PM
what matters is belief
I am 48 years old. My mother is Jewish but I was not raised that way. My grandparents were so terrified of persecution having barely escaped Nazi Germany that my entire heritage was lost. Try being Jewish but not being raised that way and trying to pass on a tradition with no support. I don't care what you believe or don't. The only thing that is really important is that you believe. Belief is a private matter between me and G_d. I worship privately. I learn privately, and I am teaching my daughter, privately. She is free to choose her own path. If it is the path of the Jews so be it. If it is something else, then that too is as G-d wills. I am only here to guide not to force feed her. Her own heart will tell her what the truth is. . .for HER. It is not for me to choose. Be proud of who you are because you chose to be that person. . .not because you are fearful or ignorant of other traditions. Yes it is shameful that the boys parent interfered in the interaction. Fear is a terrible thing. I do not live in fear nor do I live in ignorance. Be the change you want to see in the world. Live your own truth. Stop legitimizing lies and fear.
(8) Norman Schwartz, December 24, 2015 9:43 PM
The other mother was likely well meaning.
This was a beautiful article and I agree with the author that it would have been a beautiful event had the two boys been alowed have an exchange about the yarmulke.
A few quibbles though. 1) I think the mother who pulled her son away had good intentions. I think she was not that educated about Judaism and didn't want her boy to offend the author and her son. 2) I wish the author wouldn't have felt so defensive about her Jewish faith when the other mother did that. I realize she is proud of her Judaism but one should not assume the worst of others until the other earned it.
Since her son is friends with the other boy's older brother, maybe the author can arrange to have the boys have the missed conversation in the future.
(7) David B. Mendez, December 24, 2015 8:51 PM
A Light to the World
Sticking out is a concern when one is considered totally different.
I bought my house without doing some serious research first. It so happened, that across the street from where my house is located a Muslim -Christian family lives--and behind my house someone who has shared to me negative feeling toward Jews without realizing that he was speaking to one. Anyway, once someone visiting the Muslim-Christian family and who lives across the street from me, decided to back-up her car, destroying my mailbox. My Muslim-Christian neighbor conveyed to me that he had told her that 'a Jew lives in that house', and that it seemed that she acted out of rage--and that she was crazy. He offered to pay for the damaged mailbox. I declined the offer. However, for my peace-of-mind, I later installed surveillance video cameras in front of my house. I love celebrating the festival of lights and I have a Morgen David and Menorah lighted during this time of the year.
My mom has also been concern that I may at times stick out, wearing my tzitzit and/or kippah.
It definitely, brings a feeling of caution when you know that somehow, in some way, one sticks-out.
(6) Anonymous, December 24, 2015 8:42 PM
Husbands experience
My husband began to wear his kippah in public almost 10 years ago. We are not in an extremely small town but small enough At first I was uncomfortable as I was concerned about being out there. Now it's natural and comfortable. It has offered him many teaching opportunities as well as connections to others. He is often asked how he can keep his kippah on his head, or what do people do when they are bald. Other times people knowing that he is Jewish will come and ask questions about our faith or about the Bible Most recently when traveling a lady came up to us and asked us where we got kosher food in the area that we were visiting. You just never know where connection can be made. I am proud that he feels such strength in his faith and is comfortable with is commitment to wear his kippah.
(5) Robert, December 24, 2015 7:40 PM
Isn't entering a church prohibited?
Good that the boy takes such pride in his Judaism as to observe the Minhag Yisroel of a kippah. What of the halacha that prohibits a Jew, especially one visibly identifiable as a Jew, from entering a church?
(4) Chana, December 24, 2015 7:32 PM
May we be bold like Abraham and Sarah!
(3) Anonymous, December 24, 2015 6:41 PM
Maybe the mon was just concerned that the questioning would make you uncomfortable? Giving her the benefit of the doubt, she might have been trying to be considerate of your feelings?
Carolyn, December 24, 2015 7:22 PM
my first thought
That was my first thought too, that the other mother might've worried that the writer would be offended by the boy's question.
Anonymous, December 25, 2015 1:22 AM
Or that her son would look rude and curious ? It's one of those times when whatever you do may be wrong.
Paul Vander Voort, December 24, 2015 7:46 PM
No wrong doing here
Of course the mother was concerned.
G-d willing, the boys will have another opportunity to discuss this without adults around.
MM, December 24, 2015 10:26 PM
I absolutely think she was trying to be considerate. But being Jewish is something to be proud of:)
ANNA, December 25, 2015 1:19 AM
My thought was that the mother didn't want her son to look nosey. She could well have thought that the question would come across as intrusive rather than interested !
(2) Mike, December 21, 2015 6:51 AM
maybe you should come to Israel
and come home where all Jews belong. I think we should all come home. Do you guys agree?
Anonymous, December 23, 2015 5:35 PM
No
No, I don't agree. Israel is the homeland of the Jews. It doesn't have to to be the home of each individual Jew in the world. I'm home in San Diego, California, United States of America.
Norman Schwartz, December 24, 2015 9:47 PM
I agree with you.
I agree with you. I love Israel, and love visiting it however I wouldn't trade it for where I live now even if Ohio isn't as sunny as Israel or San Diego.
Also, Israel needs a strong American Jewish lobby to survive.
Janet Kasten Friedman, June 19, 2018 8:02 PM
Living in Israel
Since you are all so proud of being Jewish, I hope you are familiar with Jewish prayer. Grace After Meals quotes the Bible reference to the Land of Israel as "the sweet and good Land, that You (G-d) have given (as an inheritance) to our forefathers...." It is not referring to San Diego, Ohio, or Berlin, which the founder of the Reform Movement declared "...is our Jerusalem!" NO there is one Jerusalem for the Jews, and only one Land of Israel.
Anonymous, December 24, 2015 4:06 PM
Many would if it could be afforded!
My daughter and her family really want to make aliyah. It is very difficult for most people if they are living there to make a living, even though they probably could. However, they both have good jobs here in the US. It makes the decision very difficult. Especially when my daughter's parents and brother live here. So, many of us would move there (I have the fantasy of moving there when I am fully retired.
Richard Jones (Noahide), December 24, 2015 8:40 PM
Yes, Jews must reutn home.
Yes Jews must return home. All Jews. A Jew may yes be temporarily comfortable in the exile. But non the less. It is exile, punishment and A curse. Jews living in America are being destroyed by assimilation. intermarriage, and simply dropping Torah true values. Poland at one time was A haven for Jews, then it was not. Germany was A haven, then it was not, Germany A haven then it was not, But somehow America is different?. No, its good now but exile is A curse. Return home now when its never been easier. Your religious forefathers spent all their funds, lives and efforts to return home. Its A commandment to live in the land like the other 613. Unless of course there is this addition to the command. You shall dwell in the land I have given you "unless you are comfortable and happy outside". Return home. The land is Blessed for you and by you. The exile is A physical & spiritual graveyard for the Jew. You may be Jewish. But will your children be?. You may have Torah knowledge. But will your children & grandchildren have the same with all the anti Torah values and allures of the west?. Return home. The land of Israel is Holy & beautiful. Its needs each and every individual Jew. Take care great children of Israel. From A lover of Torah, Hashem, and Israel. Jones, Richard (Noahide from Alberta Canada)
(1) Anonymous, December 20, 2015 11:19 AM
I HEAR YA....
Black people sometimes get this response when we wear our hair 'naturally". I can tell you your son will be blessed by the teaching experience his yarmulke will provide- and the curious will never forget the lesson and his demeanor. GOOD 4HIM!!!