Two years ago, a 17-year-old Shanee Markovitz woke up one hot summer morning to discover that her mother, Sharon, had ended her life by suicide.
Standing barefoot in her pajamas in front of their Hollywood, Florida home, Shanee faced a driveway full of police cars and a mass of confusion. In the moments that followed, a rabbi, a psychologist, and two family friends took Shanee and her father aside and said: "Anything you say, you can't take it back. Maybe it's best to tell everyone this was caused suddenly or by a heart attack."
Shanee and her father looked at each other and declared: "No, we're not doing that.” They knew this was a health problem and that lying about it wouldn't benefit anyone.
Shanee tells Aish.com: "They were trying to protect us from stigma and scrutiny. On the worst day of my life, I was offered silence. Yet silence was everything that led up to this horrifying moment."
On the worst day of my life, I was offered silence.
Thrust into the spotlight, Shanee – articulate, poised and with a maturity that belies her 19 years – took on the role of speaking out against the stigma and shame of mental illness. Her Facebook posts, op-ed in The Forward, and speech at Yeshiva University entitled, "Stomp Out the Stigma," all went viral. Shanee was chosen by the New York Jewish Week as one of American Jewry's outstanding young personalities.
Sharing Struggles
The issue of suicide is growing ever-more severe; over the past two decades the US suicide rate in has increased 25%. Recent high-profile suicides – Robin Williams, Kate Spade, Anthony Bourdain – have spotlighted the issue. But the social stigma remains, including in the Jewish community.
"I always knew that mental illness was taboo, but I didn't realize to what extent," Shanee says. The reality became clear while sitting shiva for her mother. "Literally dozens of people opened up and told me: 'This happened in my family, too, but we don't talk about it,' or 'I can't tell you how my grandfather passed away, but your story is very similar'."
In the time since, Shanee has become a trusted face of the movement to break the taboo of mental illness. "Hundreds of people have come forth to share their deepest, darkest secrets," she says, and on various occasions she has guided suicidal people to receive help.
What happens if the person shares their struggle, but refuses to get help? Should you betray their trust?
When you have a life in your hands, it doesn't matter whose feelings will be hurt.
"I think there's a line to be drawn," she says. "If someone doesn't pose a threat to themselves or others, then maybe we shouldn't be the moral judge. But in self-harm or life-threatening situations, never promise to keep it a secret. When you have a life in your hands, it doesn't matter whose feelings will be hurt. That's something you don't mess around with."
Shanee says that she once had to go behind someone's back to get them help. "They ended up appreciating it. It's always better to be safe than sorry. In Judaism, there's almost nothing we don't do to save a life."
Following her mother's suicide, Shanee suffered full-fledged post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which manifested as extreme anxiety, uncontrollable shaking, and choking. For months she barely slept; recurrent nightmares left her shaking and gasping for air. "At the beginning I couldn't even be left alone in a room," she says. "I cried a lot in public and could not handle crowds. I would shut down and just focus all of my energy on existing."
Shanee engaged in intensive therapy, specifically EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), recognized as a leading treatment for PTSD. "Therapy isn’t just a lot of talking," she says. "It’s committing to changes in behavior and relationships. It's rebuilding the way your brain works."
Jewish Community
Shanee was born in Eilat, Israel, to two Israeli parents. In 2005, the family moved to the US to pursue business opportunities. For years, hiding untreated depression, Shanee's mother put on a facade. "Even at our worst times, she presented a smile, perfectly normal and happy," Shanee says. "The external was a mask for the internal. She thought she was shielding us from sadness. In the meantime, her illness went undiagnosed."
It is estimated that 20 percent of the US populations suffers some form of mental illness – and over half of those do not get treatment. Untreated depression is the number one cause of suicide. Globally, over 800,000 people die each year to suicide, the second-leading cause of death among 15-29-year-olds.
Why are mental health issues looked at so differently than physical illnesses like diabetes or cancer?
"It's scarier, because it's in the person's head," Shanee says. "Unlike, for example, a physical disability, you can't see it happening. Without a community to openly connect with, you don't know that others are experiencing the same thing. So it's more lonely and isolating."
Shanee says that while a Jewish lifestyle has mental health benefits, this advantage may be balanced by a reluctance to bring these issues out into the open. Especially in the Jewish community, where family reputation is closely guarded, people may not as readily receive the help they need.
Shanee has hope for removing the taboo. "Years ago many physical illnesses were taboo as well," she says. "Yet we've grown as a society and come to terms with that reality. With mental illness as well, I believe we're moving in the right direction."
What does Shanee's family say about this very public stance on the issue of mental health?
"From the very beginning, my father has been fully supportive," she says. "He's not a public speaker, but he gives me suggestions and likes to watch me speak. He's encouraged by the positive impact my speaking has had."
Shanee encourages everyone to help break this taboo – whether reaching out to a friend, or writing about it anonymously. "Opening up to another person, either asking or offering help, is so powerful, it literally saves lives," she says. "Everyone needs to assess their own skills and opportunities in the grand scheme. We all share responsibility."
Tools for Helping
Shanee says that she learned from Marc Fein, an NCSY director and mental health advocate, six important words that can save a life:
- From the standpoint of the friend, the key words are: "Are you okay?"
- From the standpoint of the depressed person, the key words are: "I need help."
Yet almost everyone has periods of sadness, or even depression. How can we identify when it's crossed the line into something that requires intervention?
"Don't ignore the red flags. Do a check-in: 'Are you okay?'"
"You know your friends and family, so you can often tell if something's off," she says. "Too often we ignore the red flags. Look for changes in behavior – cryptic hints or jokes about self-harm, or just putting yourself down. Maybe they feel a heavy weight on their shoulders, and maybe it's affecting their school, work, relationships, and favorite activities. Don't just laugh along or brush it off as 'they're having a bad day.' In any situation of doubt, it's always best to just do a check-in and ask: 'Are you okay?'"
It sounds so simple. Why don't people ask more often?
"A lot of the time we're scared to hear the answer," she says. "We're uncomfortable opening up the pain of their struggle. And we feel unequipped to 'solve' their problem."
The answer, Shanee says, is to simply direct them to a proper resource. "That way our discomfort can be compartmentalized, and we can focus more on getting them help."
Shanee describes what to do when someone unloads their private pain.
"First, be quite and listen. Encourage them to open up: 'You are important to me.' Yet be careful where to press and where not to press; leave that to the certified professionals.
"Second, assure the person: 'I'll help you get help, and I'll stick with you throughout the process.' Let them know you care about them. Keep being their friend, even when it’s hard.
"Third, assure them that others are in the same situation. Tell them: 'You are not alone, and I’ve seen people recover. You can do it, too.' This is often the key piece that people haven't heard, and it's a big relief."
Looking Forward
Shanee has just completed her first year at Stern College in New York, studying political science. "I considered psychology but decided it wasn't for me. My strength is my personal story," she says. "Speaking up about mental health is part of my healing journey and will continue to be a big part of my life – just not as a 'career'."
Soon after Shanee went public, she became involved with Refuat Hanefesh, a non-profit organization dedicated to raising awareness of mental health issues in the Jewish community. Refuat Hanefesh also serves as a safe space where people can get help anonymously, without fear of being judged, from those who understand Judaism's cultural and religious nuances.
In her YU speech, Shanee declared:
"So long as there are those who fear to lose their jobs, fear to lose their prospects of someone marrying or loving them, fear that they will be shunned from institutions, friendships, and communities, we are not doing enough yet. Too many people feel alone. Too many feel the darkness outweighing the light. We can do better, we must do better. We must not accept a world where a mom is too scared to tell someone that she does not want to live, out of fear that she will get looked down upon."
As for her own future, Shanee is writing various pieces about mental health, and hopes to continue sharing her story at universities and synagogues. "We all need to keep in mind what we are worth and deserve. Despite my challenges, I am not willing to give up my functionality, my trust in the people I love, and my ability to be a loving and capable mother in the future," she says with determination.
"Let’s break this piercing silence, this veil that forces people to hide their struggles and not seek help. With our voices and our empathy, we can stomp out this stigma."
(20) Anonymous, May 12, 2019 12:27 PM
A follow up comment
Last July I wrote that I knew of two gentlemen who had committed suicide in the same way. One of these men was my father in law. He did not leave a note and used a violent method to commit this heinous act. Suicide has a HORRIBLE affect on those left behind. My spouse was mortified and made me tell people that my FIL passed away due to problems with emphysema. My son remains angry and resentful towards his grandfather.
(19) LS, August 7, 2018 3:42 AM
You’re one courageous lady!
Shanee—I cant tell you how deeply sorry I am for your loss. You are so brave for coming forward and for being an advocate for others suffering. May your mother’s memory be a blessing.
(18) Joseph Markovits, August 3, 2018 5:00 AM
Shanee you are a true hero with great courage.
Your should continue your amazing work and lectures about the mental health issues it will save lives and and save the terrible suffering of the families effected by these tragedies.
(17) Francine Barish-Stern, July 31, 2018 6:02 PM
Suicide is rampant
I congratulate Shanee, it takes a lot to come forward and expose your deepest hurts. I have just finished working with a 90 year old author, Marjorie Struck, who experienced over 10 suicides in her family; including the current generation, starting with her uncles and her father, then siblings, and many other family members. Her family, like so many, chose to sweep it under the rug, treat it as taboo, instead of looking it straight in the face and helping other family members. Struck at 90 said, "No More!" So she put it all down on paper and wrote ,"TELL OTHERS," a story of depressions, addiction and suicide. She also offers hope that treating these issues as a disease and discovering brain connections and mental health issues can bring these topics to the table. Her belief is that once we understand that this disease is a killer...no matter by whose hand, with information and understanding, it doesn't have to be...and that can save lives!
(16) Yael, July 31, 2018 5:36 PM
Shanee, you seem amazing.
What can I say? Your mother accomplished a lot in her life; raising three phenomenal kids. May you have much comfort from Hashem and much success in helping others. Every life you save goes to your mother's credit in shamayim. You are incredibly brave and accomplishing. May you have tremendous hatzlacha in everything you do.
(15) Anonymous, July 30, 2018 6:12 PM
So Inspiring
Shanee you are so inspiring. I respect and admire your decision to come out to the public and for trying to assist others. Well done and may you only grow from strength to strength!!!!!!!
(14) Anonymous, July 30, 2018 2:57 PM
We're With You
Shanee and family, we're with you as you work at healing, and making a positive difference. AIsh HaTorah, thank you for sharing the story. There are so many people from all walks of life who have points of strong connection to Shanee and her family and her family's journey. G-d's blessings to all.
(13) MESA, July 30, 2018 1:53 PM
Kol HaKavod to Shanee for coming forward and helping to lift the stigma. Too often, people rely on the deadly GHB- gossip, hearsay, and bubbemaisehs- instead of learning about what mental illness really is and what can be done. I just hope that Shanee's words will encourage more people to come forward and get the help they need. Thank you.
(12) Laura, July 30, 2018 1:35 PM
Thank you for sharing your story, Shanee. May your family find peace and love.
(11) Anonymous, July 30, 2018 10:16 AM
Thank you Shani. Very important issue.
(10) Tally Traksbetrygier, July 30, 2018 12:36 AM
Shanee you até Brave, honest. Wonderfull neshamale. I wish you ALL the neste!!!
Thanks for sharing your story.
(9) Yaffa, July 29, 2018 11:27 PM
What about the loved one who refuses to believe you love them? They refuse to trust or forgive?
My husband, refuses to get help? absolutely won't consider medication. Is a work alcoholic. This last year he has had 3 major episodes of depression. Shuts down, won't talk to me, does eat doesn't sleep or sleeps too much.
Anonymous, July 30, 2018 11:57 AM
Don't go it alone. You see the problems and can get help.
If you don't have a family Rav, or the Rabbi of a kehilla that's accessible, make an appointment with the nearest Chabad Rabbi. They very often have connections to local professional help. Do what you can to strengthen yourself (exercise, and do things you enjoy-- I know it seems far-fetched in hard times, but that's when you have to do more). And keep a gratitude journal, including writing down things that you are grateful for in your husband. For one, he has a soul, the other part of your soul. I will pray for your success and happiness as well. p.s. It's often recommended to give two coins before Shabbos candle lighting to a Meir Bal Hanes pushka.
Michael, August 2, 2018 2:12 AM
Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman
Much depression is due to a profound sense of learned helplessness. Professor Martin Seligman has written a fine book that helps people to understand their helplessness and overcome it.
Also, as Rabbi Abraham Twerski says "If exercise could come in a pill, it would be the greatest anti-depression drug ever made", or words to that effect.
Refuah Shlema to your husband and koach to you and your family.
Yael, August 2, 2018 7:40 PM
Does AA have groups for spouses of those suffering from depression?
Like Al Anon for depression? They might help you.
(8) Marilyn Nathan, July 29, 2018 9:20 PM
Shanee is a very brave and mature young woman
Whether we acknowledge it or not Suicide is part of our everyday lives. Someone we know has or is thinking about ending their life because they see no hope. As friends or as fellow human beings we should always reach out to one another. Asking "are you okay" can often be a life line. Ask frequently.
(7) K.H. Ryesky, July 29, 2018 7:35 PM
Mental Illness is real
My Mom suffered from depression, and suffered even more from the negative attitudes regarding it.
Back in the 1950's, she was told to NOT consult with a psychiatrist. "A Shanda fur die Goyim" and similar sentiments. But she did see a psychiatrist, and from the various family conversations and documents I have encountered over the years, I likely would not be here to write this post had she not done so.
To be sure, her mental health issues took their toll upon me and my siblings; the extended family's misconceptions about mental illness did so all the more.
It is clear that societal attitudes toward mental illness facilitate damage well beyond the person who has the mental illness. Keep on speaking out, Shanee!
(6) anonymous, July 29, 2018 5:42 PM
You seem like a very special human being!
Shanee, please when you use your experience to talk to others warn about the relationship between psycho-tropic drugs and suicidal ideation. Depression is part of the human condition and is actually a gift as it can be a sign from Hashem that things are not going right in one's life and put people on the path to change what is ailing them. Too many people today are being put on drugs whose side effects can actually lead to suicide. I am so sorry for your loss and you sound like a very courageous young lady. You may want to check out Dr. Peter Breggin, a psychiatrist who has written many books on depression and drugs.
Anonymous, July 30, 2018 2:12 PM
I agree. It's a really crucial point.
While sometimes medication is called for, there are those medications whose side effects are suicide attempts, G-d forbid. Very often the "medicine" is within our reach, without prescription, and with common sense about what people go through and need. For example, what all women need after childbirth, is support so they can get more sleep. It can be challenging for this to be available, but it is so recognized-- Judaism has special rules (halachas) taking into consideration women's physical needs after birth, and people understand to give a new mother rest, "She's a Kimpeterim" they say, and even run and fund the "kimpeterim heims" where new mothers can rest. A related challenge: Sometimes children would seem to benefit from ADD medications, but most of the medicines are stimulants, which can increase anxiety, and then children may be prescribed anxiety medications, which can be addictive. Among the non stimulant ADD medications, there can be very challenging side effects. There is a medicine that has been prescribed for ADD that has induced Bipolar disorder. I do not want to be an alarmist, but I thought it's important to pass the information along. The book "Spark" by Dr. John Ratey scientifically demonstrates that fifteen minutes of rigorous exercise has the same chemical effect on a person as an anti-depressant, but the "side effect" of exercise is the wonderful emotional feeling of accomplishment (committing to and doing the fifteen minutes on the treadmill or the like) active/rather than passive in one's own recovery, so much so that there is an addiction recovery program that includes running in a marathon, according to Ratey. We also need, all of us, to work on positive affirmations, and of course, this is really first, connecting to our source, G-d. Also helpful is relaxing breathing through the nose, and writing in a "Thank You, G-d" book, read what we wrote, include thanks for ourselves who G-d made, and our "little" accomplishments.
Anonymous, October 17, 2018 2:58 PM
clarification
Since commenting here, I checked in with the professional who had told me about ADD medications leading to triggering bipolar disorder, and she clarified that sometimes ADD medications have side effects that increase anxiety, and SSRI (anxiety medicines, I think) are introduced). Psychiatrists often do not prescribe SSRIs to those who have bipolar disorder in their family background as it can trigger biploar disorder in the current patient. People aren't always aware of the extent of bipolar (used to be called manic depression) in their backgrounds etc. when speaking to the psychiatrist... There is a lot to learn about in terms of medications (which are sometimes necessary). It's challenging. I again commend Shanee and her family so much and all who struggle with this. They should be comforted.
(5) Faye Beyeler, July 29, 2018 3:22 PM
very strong attitude
I love that you are sharing and incorporating honesty into your experience, but you are not allowing your mother's suicide to define your future.
(4) Anonymous, July 29, 2018 3:11 PM
I actually know two older gentleman who committed suicide
They both did it in the same way. I only found out after the fact. These suicides took place a long time ago, but I still wish I could have done something to help.
(3) Ralph, July 29, 2018 2:56 PM
The Jewish left causes depression.
My parents survived the Holocaust. My parents upon arriving to the USA were considered outcasts because they believed most Jews didn’t care and in fact did nothing prior and during the Holocaust. My parents loved Israel and in fact spoke to then President Nixon setting up a meeting with Golda Meir. My mother was cursed for supporting a Republican and told, Too bad you survived. Today it’s the same, this time it’s those of us who support President Trump and Israel. It was too late for my mother who committed suicide in 1974, a broken heart. The Nazis didn’t break her, the Jewish left did. I truly understand mental illness in the Jewish community. My heart goes out to you. Mental illness at most is a societal issue. It’s time for change. G-d bless President Trump, Am Yisrael Chai.
Anonymous, July 29, 2018 3:09 PM
To commenter #3 Ralph
I am so very sorry that your mother was shamed for her political beliefs. ALL of us have the right to feel/believe the way we do.
Anonymous, July 30, 2018 2:50 PM
I'm so sorry for your mother's suffering, and your family's suffering, the invalidation and insensitivity she was subject to. I know very well what you're talking about when people's secular political ideologies are like a faith to them-- they think they're doing right and saving the world, and actually lose sight of simple, important humanity. Having been raised within the american far left, (Jewish but not educated about Judaism) I remember many times I sincerely wanted to be helpful, but was the opposite. Now I see that real respect and help for people is to acknowledge that each is created in G-d's image, and has particular mitzvoth to do that really brighten up the world towards a better world. It's part of our eternal connection to G-d and relationship with G-d in all times. That's why, for example, "A moment of silence' in public schools is crucial. Children can quietly reflect on what's important to them and are free to include G-d in their PRIVATE thoughts each day (as opposed to official school prayer out loud, which we understand shouldn't be done in public schools as different students have different belief systems). I'm so touched by Shanee's article that yesterday, the 17th of Menachem Av, when by Divine Providence I read it, I remembered it was the yahtzheit (suicide so young) of Yiska bas Shmuel who I attended a very prestigious (liberal) American college with. She was especially nice and caring, interested in others. G-d put us in each other's paths even after we graduated, but we didn't really spend time with each other ever... two Jews each believing we must save the whole world. We didn't know about mitzvoth to connect with G-d and others. Shanee should be sucesful helping, and healing. We should all.
Anonymous, July 30, 2018 8:28 PM
afterthought to my anonymous comment
I acknowledged how I agreed that, for example, blind faith in U.S. left-wing or liberal beliefs can end up the opposite of helpful. But perhaps I should make it clear that it can be the same with any political or otherwise man-made ideology, in any society. It's ultimately not about, for example, democrat or republican (as we tend to be somewhat obsessed over in the U.S.). Every soul can add light and help others. G-d-willing, we'll tap into that and fulfill our potentials in G-d centered ways. "The living shall take it to heart..." Together, we'll bring Moshiach, when we'll see the souls back in bodies down here, with no pain for anyone. Souls in Heaven pray for this, as we do. Blessings for comfort, healing, and revealedly good news to all.
Anonymous, July 31, 2018 12:35 PM
And Ralph We Do Hear You
I apologize. I'm still learning to really tune into people's needs after all these years. It takes time, as does all healing and growth. It's important to clearly emphasize: Ralph, your mother's memory should be for blessing and she is surely praying for you and your best happiness. What you shared, like what Shanee shares, is not in vain. It does bring home to all us all so deeply to get back to sensitivity, to central values of respect for people. G-d bless you and all of us.
(2) Joseph, July 29, 2018 1:50 PM
Get a power of attorney from your child
I no longer practise law. Many perants get a call from their child that they may seek medical advice. The Parent may even encourage this. This includes psychiatric advise. The parent calls to see if they have gone to the facility and is met with,"Your child is 18 ,we cannot speak to you without their permission." Prepare for this with a power of attorney which include this waiver or ask the facility if this can be done in advance. Just a thought. This man even apply to an elderly Aunt.
(1) Anonymous, July 29, 2018 12:03 PM
I have been reading Aish articles for the past year and they are absolutely incredible. However, this article is by the far the most real and brave one that I have read. While Shanee's point is to raise awareness and to break stigmas which stop people from getting help, there still is an undercurrent of judgement at times around us all. Shanee is so so brave for opening up. Her situation is heartbreaking, but she is using it to do what others are afraid to. Raising awareness for mental illness helps not only the people going through it, but also their friends and family. Her goal to help others outweighs her fear of judgement and that very much inspires me. Thank you.
Etan Neiman, July 30, 2018 4:27 PM
Couldn't have said it any better.