Sitting across my desk, the husband looked at me as his wife gazed down. “Rabbi, he said, “we want to thank you for everything you’ve done for us. But we’ve decided not to continue with the conversion.”
I wasn’t shocked at their decision but it did feel like a loss. Three years earlier, we’d met on a Shabbos morning. We pushed our respective strollers to my house from shul and shared a Shabbos meal. Over time we learned together on many nights, shared our homes and sat in my sukkah.
But the rigors of Jewish observance jolted their marriage. Once, while I was driving with the husband in his pickup truck over the Columbia River, he said, “To be honest, I’m not sure I can give up Burger King.”
Now that the couple was ending their Jewish path, I told them that the clarity they achieved for their life was a success.
I don’t seek converts. Yet, during my 15 years serving as a rabbi in Portland Oregon, the journey of the convert has been my journey. When I work with potential converts, I tell them that the path looks different for different people. And it’s not right for everyone.
When I first moved to Portland, there was a young woman who came to our community from Central Oregon. She had a Jewish boyfriend. They started coming to our shul for a while and we got to talking about Judaism. At one point she said to me, “I’m not sure I’m comfortable with traditional Judaism and how it views women.”
I told her that this was an important issue for her to resolve. I encouraged her to go out and seek her path. I wasn’t sure where she would go. From time to time, she would call or email me. We had long discussions about gender, Jewish philosophy Judaism and passages in the Torah.
The Hebrew term for convert is ger, literally someone who sojourns. The term “ger” implies that someone is coming from the outside and may not feel permanent with the Jewish people. Every time I meet a potential convert, I am intrigued by their path. Something inside me wants to understand them more deeply, since we are each on our own journey in emunah (faith).
The journey of the convert started long ago. It’s written in the Book of Ruth. Two women – Ruth and Orpah – had divergent moments of self-discovery at the same time.
Their mother-in-law, Naomi, was once a prominent woman. But by the time we meet her in the Book of Ruth, Naomi is a destitute, bereaved woman, preparing to walk back to Israel from the fields of Moav. Initially, the three women set out together.
Naomi told Ruth and Orpah, “No my daughters, go back to your home, and may God do kindness with you.” Naomi explained that Ruth and Orpah – foreigners – would have no marriage prospects in Israel. These women had lived and buried their dead together. Now it was time to part.
They lifted their voices and wept…Orpah kissed her mother-in-law and Ruth clung to her…
Naomi protested Ruth’s embrace. “Orpah has gone back to her gods, continue with her and go back home!”
And Ruth said, “Do not urge me to leave you…Where you go I will go, where you sleep I will sleep, your nation is my nation, your God is my God.”
With these words, Ruth sums up the journey of the convert. As she embraced Naomi, Ruth clung to the people of Israel. Together they walked to Beit Lechem where Ruth found the fields of Boaz. There she scraped out a living, gleaning sheaves.
Boaz told Ruth that her path was the path of chesed, doing “kindness,” as it were, with God. Ruth had found “refuge under the wings of God’s Presence.”
How can the convert know they are ready to embrace the Jewish people and enter the covenant with God? How can they change their identity and become the son or daughter of Abraham and Sarah? It doesn’t happen quickly, but somehow, they connect with the Jewish people. Then, in a moment of self-discovery, they find themselves.
“Your people are my people, your God is my God.”
I saw it happen with the young woman from Central Oregon. One Shabbat morning, she showed up early to shul. It was the first time I had seen her in months. Something felt different. “Rabbi, I am going to become Jewish.”
She wasn’t looking for my agreement. It just was. Come what may, she was going to be Jewish. And she was right. She entered the covenant of Abraham, and, together with her soon-to-be-husband embarked on building a faithful home in Israel. Today, when I hear about her acts of kindness and her Jewish kids, I think back to her early steps on her journey, all those years ago.
I didn’t mean to spend so many years walking down the path of the convert. Yet, I’m grateful to be on this road. Where they go, I will go. Their journey is my journey.
(8) Yosef, June 9, 2020 2:04 PM
Sponsoring Rabbi?
For many years I have been on this same path. As most converts, I was sick and tied of the lies of x-ianity. Betrayed by loved ones time and time again. I was tired of history repeating itself in my life. I started studying Torah as if I had never read it before. And honestly I never had. My eyes opend on Rosh Hashanah almost 6 years ago. Now I do what I can on observances never taking on more then I can handle. If you do the you can become overwhelmed very easy. I davin most days at least twice a day. I give charity and eat clean, no pork or non-kosher foods, the beef I eat has no kosher cert. but it's at least beef. I davin everyday for HaShem to bless me with a Orthodox Sponsoring Rabbi who is patient compassionate an understanding so I can knock this thing out of the park like so many other converts have throughout time! Shalom
(7) Anonymous, May 30, 2020 8:52 AM
I’m a convert
My journey started 30 years ago. A friend of mine invited me to her shul. I this may sound strange but after so many years of searching for G-d. I walked in and felt at HOME! The journey was hard at first. But soon I was accepted by the community. A very long story. My youngest daughter is the epitome of a great & amazing Jewish women. Thanks to Hashem. My journey continues each day & fills me with delight!!!
(6) Miriam, May 27, 2020 9:22 PM
Thank you for this beautiful essay
Thank you for sharing this, Rabbi. The journey of the convert is often frustrating and isolating. It's incredibly important to have a guide who is empathetic as well as knowledgeable. You express that empathy beautifully here.
(5) Anonymous, May 26, 2020 7:00 PM
Me - Jewish?
Yes Rabbi Brodkin this column resonated with ma, a convert. When i first started reading books - around thirty or forty to see if i was meant to be a Jew - I thought me - Jewish? My journey is unique as everyone's spiritual journey really is if they think about it. No one understands anyone else's relationship to Hashem. They're not meant to. He is and He does. Most Jews I'd met in the beginning expressed their shock - thought that i was nuts. You want to become Jewish? Why? In reality I haven't completed my conversion due to a timing issue though my rabbi approved me years ago to meet the beit din. For about eighteen years now - from the moment I first spoke to my rabbi - I've lived as and identified as a Jew. Am i a Jew? Yes.
(4) Leslie Elder, May 26, 2020 4:49 PM
So great to read this article!
Appreciate your sensitivity to people who are on this path.
(3) miriam Cohen, May 26, 2020 2:32 PM
hard journey
i have friends who are converts. I admire them, but that is not what many frum from birth Jews feel. And tbey are not welcomed. Especially in today's world of Shidduchim I think this is something that is hidden from our converts.it is up to you as Rabbis to show tbe proper way to your congregants.
Kingsdaughter613, May 27, 2020 3:40 PM
This is not entirely accurate, or, at least not for the reasons you think.
My mother did not mind the idea of any of me or my siblings marrying converts. She did mind the idea of us marrying someone without a family, which eliminates all converts whose parents were not also converts. (Adoptees have parents, just not biological ones, and were not an issue at all.)
The issue wasn’t not the fact of conversion; the issue was the lack of family. We would have had the same issue with many Baalei Teshuva, or children from certain types of unhappy homes.
I had my own requirements: whether ger or Baal Teshuva, they had to have been frum for ten years. This is so they can get ‘comfortable’ in Yiddishkeit. Many people just joining the tribe, or returning to it, take a few years to figure out what level of frumkeit they are comfortable with, and it may be completely different than when they started. I actually got this advice from Geirim I know. They told me that ten years in was very different than when they first joined. Taking on every chumrah in the book is, apparently, not uncommon. (Okay, a bit exaggerated. But you get the gist.)
Anonymous, May 27, 2020 3:41 PM
Character limits are too short. Continuing...
Perfectly reasonable, but I, like most girls, dated at twenty. I married at twenty too, actually, as did many of my friends. Which means, again, that the only converts I would agree to date had converted as children or teens, likely as part of a family unit.
The third reason ties back to my mother’s problem. Family. My husband was suggested to me by my second cousin. My mother met my father through a store clerk who knew both families. Many people I know have met their spouse through a mutual acquaintance and/or family member.
When half the community meets their mate through someone who knows someone, you are severely limiting opportunities for someone with out those preexisting relationships.
And Sephardic Jewry, by and large, do not except geirim in the US.
Most girls I knew would date geirim. Being a convert is not the problem.
Rachel, May 27, 2020 9:22 PM
Converts have families
This comment, at least as phrased, is rude. I am a convert. I had a mother and father (now deceased) a deceased sister, and two living sisters. My dad’s first job, as an 8 year old in the Bronx, was Shabbbos goy for all the Jewish families in his building. All of them respected my choice and love my children.
I know FFB families whose kids are not observant. In 21st century America, there are no blanket guarantees. I knew a man who broke his engagement to a convert because of his family’s disapproval. To my knowledge, he never married. Perhaps the convert was his bedsheet and his family just were too blinded by prejudice to see it.
Some of the most patriotic Americans I know are naturalized citizens. They don’t take it for granted and they know more about American history and government than many Americans. So too with those of us who leave our people to join yours.
(2) Jacob Villeneuve, May 26, 2020 12:52 PM
It's called the Jewish connection!
Do not pervert the judgment of a ger or a widow! I am forwarding to your email address my mission statement! Great insight! Toda!
Chag Sameac!
(1) Dianna, May 25, 2020 4:28 PM
It is a tough path
I knew from the age of 8, I wanted to be a Jew. When I was 18, I found a Rabbi who would work with me. My first conversion was through the RCA. A few years later, I was drawn to Chassidus and my Rabbi (who had concerns with a RCA conversion) convened a Beit Din for a Geirus L'Chumra. When I was a student overseas, I was told my RCA conversion was worthless, and had to appear before a Beth Din to be grilled for hours. From them, I received a letter that I was Jewish. When my daughter married in Israel two years ago, I had to appear before the Beit Din of Tel Aviv. From them I received a letter that our daughter and her parents were Jews.
Meanwhile, the Rabbi of the shul I attended in Virginia had little to do with me because I was a convert. At times, he was just plain mean to me, going out of his way to let me know I didn't belong. It didn't matter our children were in Yeshiva or that I had attended seminary.He would sponsor women who were intermarried, whose Jewish spouses would write a check for conversion. One of the women he sponsored still believes the founder of Christianity is a "Great Rabbi" whom we should love and respect. Another keeps the holidays she wants to keep. I left the community and moved to Florida because he sponsored a family of born again Christians who wanted to convert to be "completed" Jews.
Those of us who have spent our lives learning and making Jewish homes deserve better. The RCA can and must do a better job at screening Rabbis who are supposed to help us. The best thing I have ever done is join the Jewish people. I daven everyday that my children will continue to be Torah Jews and pass it on to their children. However, it is a hard road which demands serious commitment and the ability to completely give up your past. I have learned that I am stronger than I ever imagined, and Judaism has made me into a better person, mother and wife. I am eternally grateful to be a daughter of Avraham and Sarah.
Gail Ellen, May 26, 2020 2:27 PM
A Woman named Ruth of Blessed Memory Comes to MInd
Dearest Jacob,
Ruth who was king David's great grandmother comes to mind.
You chose to become Jewish, just like Ruth. It is a sincere honor to have you and your family as members of our people.
My grandfather of Blessed memory always taught us that one should hold the highest esteem for someone who converted and chose to become Jewish. Remind the Rabbi in Virginia or anyone else that is rude to you that they too have the blood of Ruth that runs in their veins and obviously not their heart!
I am ashamed and feel this is a ''Shonda'' and hope and pray that you and yours are sincerely welcomed by the vast number of us.
Please visit or move to my wonderful state of Maryland where you will be cherished,appreciated and adored as a fellow brother of our people.
May Hashem Bless You and Yours .