The night air was warm and fresh with the tangy smell of cut grass – the scent of a December night in Johannesburg. We spent the evening munching on snacks, drinking hot punch, and opening the beautifully wrapped gifts displayed beneath the glittering tree. Even though I did not give or receive a gift, I joined the celebratory spirit of the evening and felt welcomed. By everyone except for Amanda's Gran.
She was an austere old Scotswoman, with stiffly coiffed grey hair and a ram-rod straight back, who had spent the evening avoiding my gaze. It was my first time meeting her and I was intimidated by her severe demeanor.
A vulnerable child who always aimed to please, I felt confused and a bit hurt by her aloofness, but the levity around us soon distracted me. I was 13 years old and Amanda was my best friend – Scottish, Catholic, and very smart. She had stayed over at my house many times, and I at hers, but this was my first Christmas. My parents didn't mind. I don't think they thought too deeply into it. They were warm, open-minded assimilated people who liked all my friends, Jewish or not.
And I was happy to be accepted as part of the crowd, enjoying this exotic new experience.
The cars were parked outside on the street. We left the house together singing carols that I'd heard on the radio many times. As we drove along, I stared into the invitingly lit windows sparkling with tiny lights. We were a convoy of three cars, crammed with Amanda, her parents, her younger brother Dave, an assortment of aunts, uncles and cousins, and of course, Amanda's Gran.
I was so removed from my heritage that it didn't strike me as incongruous that I was sitting in a church on Christmas eve.
We arrived at an attractive stone edifice. It was their church, modern and understated. As we went through the carved double doors, our boisterous group quieted down. We spoke in hushed whispers out of respect for the sanctity of the place and the awe of the moment. There were rows of solemn, light oak wooden pews and gracefully arched windows that framed the night sky, which was sprinkled with a fine spray of barely discernable stars.
Elegant floral arrangements adorned the end of each pew, leaves cascading over the wood. I was entranced by the beauty surrounding me.
It did not strike me as incongruous that I, a Jewish girl, was sitting in a Catholic church on Christmas eve, so removed was I from my heritage and my people. The hymnaries were passed around, and as the voices soared, my mind drifted and relaxed. I did not try to follow the service, but was content just to observe.
Suddenly, without warning, the harmonious melody stopped, and the whole congregation began to go down on their knees, as if a wave was moving through the packed church.
No one had prepared me for this. It was a jolt; a moment of choice I had not anticipated intruding into my reverie. Something in me shifted. I clutched my prayer book, looking around as if for a lifeline at sea. What am I supposed to do now? I was filled with uncertainty; a disturbing sensation washed over me. Surely everyone was looking at me, the lone sheaf in a cropped field left standing amidst the bowed heads.
Should I kneel out of respect? What am I actually doing here? Glancing undecidedly from left to right, I caught sight of Amanda's Gran. That dour old lady in her pearls and sensible blue suit, with her powdered cheeks and her tight mouth. She had been with us all evening, reservedly enjoying the festivities with her family, but coldly ignoring my attempts to please and my desire to be accepted. I had sensed from the beginning that she felt I did not belong there.
Looking directly at me, she shook her forefinger from side to side, warning me not to join the throng at worship on their knees.
Now, looking directly at me for the first time, a heavy frown creasing her somber face, she shook her forefinger from side to side, disapproval radiating from her stiff posture, warning me not to join the throng at worship on their knees. I read rebuke in her gesture, and felt a moment of terrible shame, standing there amongst all those non-Jews, alone. Not shame for being different, but embarrassment for being there at all, in this alien place with these strange traditions.
I was a Jew. That much I did know. Granny knew I was a Jew too, and that put me on the other side. In my eyes the beautiful flowers suddenly dried up and withered, the tinsel looked cheap and tawdry, and I felt like Cinderella standing in her rags after the clock struck 12, with nothing left but an illusion.
Amanda was oblivious, but Amanda's Gran and I had shared a subtle moment of understanding – not as friends, nor as adversaries. Perhaps as Jew and Gentile. Was she angry that a Jew was intruding on their holiest night, or was it something else? Maybe she had a kernel of awareness that I was lost in foreign fields; that this was not a place I could call home. Perhaps she sensed that I, in my ignorance, should not be paying homage to their deity.
At that moment she was a beacon of truth in the fog of confusion enwrapping me. I didn't kneel and that was the last time I ever went to church.
Whatever her motivation, I have no doubt that Amanda's Gran will one day receive her reward for saving a Jew who strayed so far a field. I am grateful that I discovered my mistaken direction at such an early age, before I made irretractable life decisions. God is watching over each and every one of us, and He has many messengers.
One was called Amanda's Gran.
(29) Rick, June 19, 2018 9:53 PM
Wrong Conclusion
I have attended Christmas mass on a few associations.did feel out of place . When Everyone knelt I sat . I considered this as a learning experience. The experience led me to become more attached to my Jewish heritage and come to the realization what and who that religion was based on. Ps my best friend Roman Catholic and we celibate each others holidays together.
(28) Rivka, December 26, 2012 7:53 PM
Gran was right
I was raised Catholic & converted as an adult. It is appropriate for non-Catholics to simply sit when the congregation kneels. I believe that is what Gran was trying to tell her. I am secure enough in my Judaism that when my father, and later my mother, died, I went to their funeral services in church. I sat during the entire service, both times. At the gravesite, some did not know what to think when I asked to put dirt on the casket, but no one stopped me. I find the Jewish rituals extremely helpful and healing - cathartic, actually. My relatives are not THRILLED that I am Jewish, but they respect me enough that they accept my decision.
(27) miriamwcohen, December 26, 2012 5:29 PM
need to remember the differences
I was at a Catholic Church at the High Mass Funeral of a friend's father. Very interesting service, and I noticed the many references to Jewish practices in this service, which for those who have no Jewish background find so wonderful and inspiring in their services. I Did Not Kneel, and felt no compulsion to be included, I was there out of respect.
(26) Margarita, December 26, 2012 12:10 PM
Sad story, wrong praise
Dear Aish.com this story made me sad, especially the part of grandma. First of all, why do we take that it was a warning not to kneel? maybe it was the other way around? B"H the girl interpreted it that way, but gratitude is misplaced (at least in my eyes). but how sad is the knowledge of Jewish children going to the church services with their parents permission. i am all for friendships and always believe that children should have different friend with different background (both geographical and religious), but this going to church is too far. especially for this kind of service. mind you, i am the one who always buys presents for my friends and enjoy it a lot. glad to hear the good outcome from the story.
(25) Tova Saul, December 26, 2012 5:28 AM
beautiful writing
It was a pleasure to read this beautifully descriptive story......
(24) Yochanan, December 25, 2012 9:59 AM
I remember my xmas night.. I did bow down..
What times where those. From a totally assimilated family I'm actually observing our beautiful, centuries-old tradition/faith. In JERUSALEM that is!! I'm the only one continuing the family name and hopefully I will bring SO MANY beautiful, proud Jews on the world. 'I'm happy' I have such a tiny family, saves me from lots of pain. B"H I am strongly influencing, especially my grandma.
(23) Anonymous, December 27, 2009 8:36 AM
Dear Aish.com: I'm not sure how to take Amanda's Gran's wagging finger of warning. She had disapproval or at least an inhospitable attitude all evening. Why was her wagging finger interpreted as an appropriate warning to not participate in the services? Why wasn't Amanda's Gran on her knees with everyone else? This article confused me very much and I was left feeling anger toward's Amanda's Gran rather than gratitude. How could she be so cruel to a youngster? What a mean, cold hypocrite she was.
Miriam, December 24, 2012 10:12 PM
follow the author's interpretation
There is alot between the lines that we aren't given. The story doesn't actually say Gran was still sitting, just that their eyes met. Gran gave a stern instruction to the writer that her kneeling would not be appropriate, and that gave the writer a more secure direction on how to act. The writer herself says she doesn't know Gran's actual intent, just that the instruction gave her needed guidance at that time.
aaron, December 26, 2012 6:29 AM
excellent Miriam
You´ve wrote the right words.
(22) Simon, December 26, 2009 9:51 PM
I was once in church as a young child and had the opportunity to eat the flesh and drink the blood but I decided to pass - cholent is more my thing.
(21) rob gold, December 25, 2009 7:37 AM
thought provoking
As a 9 yr.old. Jewish boy who had been told that he had murdered Jesus my first time sitting in a Catholic church sitting with my buddy was problematic. Jesus is looking right at me! Does he know I didn't kill him and that I really did not even know him? My visit did not make me more vulnerable to convert to catholcism. It made me a stronger Jew.
(20) elyakum, December 24, 2009 7:50 PM
a Jew?
I think that gran was Jewish.
Me, December 25, 2012 9:55 AM
Thought so too initially..
I thought so to until I remembered she was Scottish, so slight chance.
Anonymous, December 25, 2012 9:44 PM
Scottish and Jewish Aren't Necessarily Different
One of my friends is Scottish AND Jewish. Imagine that! Yes, I agree with elyakum that Gran had some connection to Judaism.
Reva S. Baer, March 3, 2020 9:24 PM
A little late, but...Don't be so surprised.
My grandmother was born in Scotland in 1903. ( traveled to Inverness to get her birth certificate, and was very surprised that the clerk read her name as "Tchay" instead of "Chaya." There were a few boatloads of Russian immigrants who thought they were going to America but were dropped off in Scotland so the boats could double-book. Many of them stayed for a while and then moved to London's East End or elsewhere.
(19) sonia, December 24, 2009 6:32 PM
I remember MY visit to a church...
I was 6 and a school teacher was getting married, so all the pupils had gone to see the marriage. I was looking up and down and wide, not realizing anything at all, when suddenly everyone touched their forehead, their tummy, and something else, very fast, like in a silent movie. What was THAT? And again. I thought I had to pay attention tho what was the man in the long skirt saying, so I would do it too. But I could not figure it. So I went out with one clear feeling. I was glad the señorita was married. But the church was a place where I did not belong.
(18) Anonymous, December 24, 2009 1:31 AM
amanda's gran rocks
Amanda's gran did an enormous chessed for Dassi! Just being in a place of non-Jewish worship, seeing their artwork and listening to their music puts an impression on the neshama. You absorb your surroundings. A Jew should never step into a church because of that alone, regardless of other issues (looking like maybe you are putting a rubber stamp on their practices, for example).
(17) Bruce, December 23, 2009 5:45 PM
How did Amanda's grandmother know that you are not allowed to worship in a christian church? Under Catholic "halacha" there are several requirements for taking communion, including being in a state of grace and believing in transubstantiation. Amanda's grandmother probably realized that Dassi was not Catholic, and that alone was sufficient for her not to take communion. (I'm not sure about kneeling.) I know a non-Catholic Christian. When he occasionally visited a Catholic church, he would deliberately not take communion out of respect for Catholic rules.
(16) Anonymous, December 23, 2009 4:20 PM
I was raised as a Christian, child of a German family, and my parents did not want me to be subject to the things they were subject to growing up. I have since rediscovered who I am and have been able to teach my mother the pride in being Jewish and that we are the people chosen to bring light into this world.That Granny may not have been kind in the way she did things, but she was able to show a separation that we all need to understand. The differance between Christians and Jews is not one that cannot be overcome. Through respect and education both sides can come to a better point in which to work together instead of being at odds.
(15) joe, December 23, 2009 8:12 AM
how sad
how very sad. i feel sorry for gran she should have known better. perhaps a warm smile would have said it better.
(14) leah rachel, December 23, 2009 3:23 AM
sad how many "assimialated" parents there are-like mine
when i was growing up i was told by my parents to mouth along silently to the Christmas carols in school programs. it is so sad and dangerous when kids and adults don't know, care or have the guts to follow Jewish pratices-boldly or quietly-but do it. We all still need reminders...
(13) Anonymous, December 22, 2009 9:15 PM
to David #11
Once a Jew always a Jew. Your Father's family is still Jewish. 2-3 years ago i was on an Aish Sephardic fellowship program and there was a family from the North midwestern area with us, the father had told us that he recently found out that his famil was decedants from the Shulchan Aruch....the kids were on there to starting the conversion process goodluck to you
(12) sharona, December 22, 2009 7:29 AM
Don't go
Nice story. Some feel uncomfortable and some don't. While some might feel it's a good learning experience, we Jews are really not allowed to go in to a church since they believe in the trinity, and so to us, it's a place of idol worship. There are plenty of other learning experiences like talking on a park bench about your differents faiths.
(11) David, December 22, 2009 1:33 AM
I understand the feeling that you have. I was raised Presbyterian but I found out recently that My fathers family was Jewish that has been force converted to Catholicism during the 1400's in Spain. Many of them continued to practice Judaism but in secret. Some had not. Most of the information is lost. My mothers family history is lost. I never felt right in a Catholic Church or even a Protestant one, I felt like I was a stranger, an invader. I feel at a deep level I am a Jew. G-d has shown me what I deep down always knew.
(10) Elcya, December 21, 2009 9:44 AM
Reply to Yehudit & Beth
Please consider the difference between Observance and Observation. "Observing" something could lead to either one. Something to think about.
(9) yehudit LEVY, December 21, 2009 8:32 AM
Reply to Beth
Beth, Your comments are extremely dangerous. There is absolutely NO GOOD that can come out of "respectfully OBSERVING other's holidays". This is completely forbidden by Judaism and is precisely the kind of thinking that has led to disaster for the Jewish people throughout our history. The only thing we are required to do is to respect people, NOT observe their traditions, no matter how well meaning we thing we are. In fact, we are commanded to GIVE UP OUR LIVES, rather than "respectfully observe other's holidays and traditions". The only difference is that the Torah supposes that we are being forced to do it, not, G-d forbid, doing it willingly!!!!
(8) Hannah, December 21, 2009 6:55 AM
How did she know?
For me, the question is: How did Amanda's grandmother know that you are not allowed to worship in a christian church? Perhaps she was Jewish herself, and assimilated? Was she kneeling? Why was she watching you in stead of praying? Interesting .... the mind is finding all kinds of possibilities .... what an amazing story!
(7) Reba, December 21, 2009 4:32 AM
different experience
I had a different experience than the one relayed in this story. As a child and teenager, I had two very good non-Jewish friends. One was Catholic and the other was the daughter of a Methodist minister. I attended some of their religious celebrations, and they attended some of mine such as the Passover seder in my house. I was never uncomfortable in either of their church services even though I did not kneel or participate in some of the other rituals. I was secure in who I was as a Jew and what my religious beliefs were. I still view it as having been a wonderful opportunity to learn about another's traditions and beliefs as they in turn also learned about mine. I believe that my friends and I developed as more tolerant and understanding adults because of it.
Dvirah, December 26, 2012 5:15 PM
Different Situation, Also
The difference is also in knowledge - you say that you were "secure in who" you were. The author was at that time in a place of ingnorance and did not have such security.
(6) Rachel, December 21, 2009 3:16 AM
I too remember my first time in church, and too felt out of place. As the daughter of a convert mother and Jewish father, I was simply going to a regular Sunday church service with my grandmother. I remember my father telling me not to take the eucharist, but I was still uncomfortable not knowing what to do. I still felt weird standing up there in the circle with the small crowd, and getting some weird looks for refusing the bread and wine.
(5) , December 21, 2009 12:52 AM
I hope the right people got to read this articel. Most of the people reaing aish are jews who care. This should be brought to a none religious jewish audiance. Kol ha kovot S. Friedman
(4) Beth, December 21, 2009 12:19 AM
There are worse things than finding oneself in a church, or even kneeling out of ignorance. In fact, respectfully observing others’ holidays and traditions frequently brings light to one’s own. Realizing you don’t quite fit with everyone can prompt questioning and exploring.
(3) Dena, December 20, 2009 10:01 PM
Powerful
Powerful article. Thank you.
(2) Iris Moskovitz, December 20, 2009 7:40 PM
Mesmerizing piece of work-brought back memories of my childhood
I grew up in a neighborhood of Chicago, where most of the Jewish population were either moving away, or rachmana litzlon passing away, most being elderly. I always managed to go to spend Shabbosim with my friends, in the Jewish neighborhoods. I will never forget how my gentile neighbor always tried to persuade me to go to church with them ,but with no success. I learned many years later, that my neighbors were members of a Jews for J-s-s service, nebach. The mother was gentile, and the father was Jewish, so the children were truly mixed up. I still wonder what ever happened to them.
(1) Meme, December 20, 2009 1:44 PM
As a daughter of a Gentile father and a Jewish mother I often get shocked by awareness of my Gentile side and total disconnect of my Jewish side. It is my mother who will readily give my children non kosher food an not my father. And it is my gentile grandma who cries every time she hears there are troubles in israel. Who would have thought.